Date: Sun, 7 Apr 2002 01:00:51 +0800
From: yr_ry_ <yr_ry_@hotmail.com>
Subject: What I See 11/?

*Disclaimer*

If you are under 18 or not of legal age in your country, please do not read
on. If you couldn't accept themes of homosexuality and the like, please
don't read on. This is a story concerning gay males having intimate
relationships and is considered FOR ADULTS ONLY due to its sexual theme and
contents. BUT if you really like this stuff, please don't tell others.

Everything in this story is purely FICTIONAL. Or in simpler terms, it's not
true!!! Even if this story involves NSYNC, a real, successful American
singing group, and a fictitious character, all that happens in here is
fictional... again, it's not true. If there are instances that it is
similar to what happened in the real world, it doesn't mean that it's
really true. I don't know anything about their sexuality, as far as the I
and the world know, they're straight as an arrow so I dunno if they're gay
(but I do have my speculations) or not but I wrote this out of freedom of
speech and my love for these guys and slash fiction. I don't own or know
NSYNC personally. AGAIN, it's NOT TRUE!!! but don't we all hope that it's
true... hehehehe...

*First Words*

Hi guys. This is my 3rd work here in the boyband section of the Nifty
Archives. I dunno why I called it "What I See" but I just ran out of ideas
for a title and thought of something simple. So the title, What I See was
born *giggle*. I dunno if I can manage my 3 stories at the same time but
Crossed Paths is in its "season break" and Reformation is still there. But
I'll really try my best to update all my stories. Remember, I love
feedbacks.

Mail me at my NEW Addie at
yr_ry_@hotmail.com


What I See Chapter 11

I was like a zombie when I reached home. It was like I felt so numb and I
was just doing things unconsciously. Maybe I forgot how to feel and think
once I left the gates of Josh's house. But who's gonna be blamed? It's just
because of me and my stupidity. I was just laid down on my bed sobbing
softly for my lost. And it's a big lost.

I have finally found someone who I thought, I mean, I knew that completes
me but I let him go. My suspicious and pessimistic nature got over me. And
I didn't attempt to stop that. I just let it envelope me until I was
consumed with thoughts of JC with others. With better men than me.

I reached my phone and dialed Paul's number. When I want advice, I go to
Dee but when I want to rant and vent out, I go to Paul. Paul just listens
to me and tries to comfort me and that's what I need because I know that
Dee would lecture me about my stupidity and she'll just say that it's my
fault. That's the last thing I need, more guilt. "Paul?" I croaked when
someone answered the phone.

"Kyle? What's the matter?" I could hear the concern and worry in Paul's
voice already.

"I think JC and I are over." I cried once more once I said the truth. I
know that we are over and it's because of me. It's all my fault.

"Just let it out Ky." Paul said to me. And that made me start. I dunno how
long we talked on the phone because I always stopped when it becomes too
overwhelming for me, and that's a lot of times. Paul just remained patient
with me listening to me and offering some words of comfort occasionally.

"I know that it's my fault Paul. I lost something wonderful and it's my
fault!" I cried harder if it's possible in my state. I was so strung up
already. It was like a dam that burst open. I can't stop the flow of strong
emotions and most of those pertain to sadness and self-pity.

"Just let it out Ky." Paul repeated. I cried more until my throat was a
little bit sore already from the crying and my eyes were stinging for they
can't produce tears anymore. I think that I have cried it all out. "Just
sleep it over. I know that it hurts right now. Hopefully, it would be
better than this now that you've vent it all out. I'll visit you tomorrow
and we'll go home coz mom's been excited for your arrival." Paul informed
me. I totally forgot that. I was gonna see my mother and she's gonna know
that something is up.

"Do you think it's wise?" I asked Paul sniffling a little bit.

"Kyle, don't pull yourself out of the world. You need people that love you
and tomorrow is the best day for that. Just sleep it over. Try." Paul
advised me. I thanked him profusely and that's how we ended our talk. I
pressed the end button in the handset and cuddled the pillow beside me. It
was the same pillow that JC snuggled closer when I left him sleeping to
cook breakfast the first time we slept on my bed.

I thought that there were no tears already but they flowed out again. All
bits of memories that I shared with JC kept on flashing in my mind adding
to the regret and sorrow I was feeling at that point. This mind is filled
with shit and I don't know how to make it quit. "Stupid!" I cried. I think
that's how I slept that night. It was a bad sleep.

When I opened my eyes, I was in this barren place. It was dark and I felt
all alone. "Enjoy the feeling?" Someone's voice bellowed. I looked at my
left and right searching for the source of the voice.

"Who are you?" I asked loudly. I walked frantically looking for a sign of
an escape in this empty place.  "Where am I?" I asked again.

"You don't know?" The voice said like it was mocking me. Then, a maniacal
laugh followed that. It was so frightening and I was feeling a little alone
in this place.

I was running now to nowhere. I still can't see anything but the darkness
enveloping me. When I looked at my left, there was a spot of light. I ran
to that direction seeing that it's becoming closer to me. The size of the
light source was beginning to increase. I was getting closer to it. "Where
are you going?" The voice asked.

"None of your damn business!" I answered defiantly as I approached the
light source. The voice just laughed and laughed that made me push my self
harder to reach the light and out of this wretched place.

"You really know where you are?" The voice asked to me. "This is your heart
and mind! Can't you see how dark and empty it is. Poor Kyle! There's no one
here. No one!" The voice laughed again. I was tearing up already and wiped
away the tears. "Aaaaw... am I making you cry?" The voice told me jokingly.

When I was by the light. It seemed to be a door, a passageway to
somewhere. I guess I have to take my chances to escape this place. I
stepped closer to it until the light surrounded me. I closed my eyes
shortly and when I opened it. Josh was there in front of me. "Why don't you
trust me?" He asked me as tears of blood cascaded down his tears.

I looked at him in horror. "No! No! I trust you Josh! I love you!" I
approached JC but we seemed not to meet. It's like he's moving away from me
farther. He just kept on asking, "Why don't you trust me?" over and over
again.

"JC's not right for you!" The voice returned and the darkness returned as
well. JC was nowhere in sight. "You don't deserve anyone because you are
not capable of loving anyone!" The voice sneered at me.

"Nooooooo!!" I shouted. I can't remember what happened next.

When I opened my eyes, Pookie was on my bed licking my face. I chuckled a
little coz she hasn't done that for ages. Then it hit me. Josh. My cheery
morning dimmed. "Thanks Pookie." I said and picked the little Chihuahua
from my bed and placed her on the floor. "I'll just go the bathroom and
then I'll let you out." I told the dog who barked at me like she agreed
with what I said. She scuttled out of my room.

I walked to the bathroom and when I looked at myself in the mirror, I
really look like shit. My eyes were a little bit puffy still and I have
tearstains across my face. "You look like shit." I told my reflection and
walked away. I took a piss and walked down to the kitchen thinking of how
on earth such a bad day.

I looked at the watch and saw that it was just around 6:30am. In a few
hours, JC would be leaving Florida to Portland to start their tour and I
can't even take back what I said to him. All he would remember is that I
was the one who didn't trust him enough. Oh well, Justin must be
celebrating right now coz he finally succeeded in purging me out of the
"NSYNC family."

I took the box of cereal from the cupboard and poured in my bowl. Pookie
was barking for attention. "I guess I forgot you there." I told her and
opened the backdoor so she can run across the backyard while I wallow in my
misery. I opened the radio for some comfort and to break the silence in the
kitchen.

"NSYNC would kick their Celebrity tour today so girlies, you know what to
do!" The DJ shouted from the radio and Girlfriend played in the radio. Of
all the right moments in the world, this just has to play. I tried not to
listen to it while I ate my cereal. Someone knocked at my door. I guess
this should be Paul but isn't it too early?

I opened the door and a tall black man was at my front door. "May I help
you?" I asked the guy a little bit intimidated with his size. He has this
serious demeanor in his face adding to the little fright I was feeling.

"Are you Kyle?" He asked me.

"I am." I answered him.

"Mr. Chasez just wants to give this to you. Apparently, you left it last
night." He told me and handed me my duffel bag. My heart was aching more. I
managed to say a 'thank you' to the tall dark guy but when I closed the
door, I totally broke down. With the silence of the house, a song playing
from the radio started to play.

Shadows are falling all over town Another night the blues got me down Oh
misery... I sure could use some company

Since he's been gone I ain't been the same I carry the weight like an ol'
ball and chain Guess it's all meant to be... for love to cause my misery

Misery... misery Tell me why does my heart make a fool out of me Seems it's
my destiny...  For love to cause my misery

Oh... I've been down this road before Where the passion turns into pain And
each time I saw love walk out the door I swore I'd never get caught up
again...

But ain't it true... it takes what it takes And sometimes... we get too
smart too late One more heartache for me... another night in misery

Misery... misery Tell me why does my heart make a fool out of me Seems it's
my destiny...  For love to cause my misery...  Guess it's all meant to be
for love to cause my misery

The song reflected all I was feeling. It was truly in misery. I sobbed
harder. After a few minutes, someone knocked at the door again. I wiped
away the tears from my face and tried to make myself look saner. I opened
the door and it was Paul. "Come in." I said hoarsely. I guess the crying
was already too much. Paul just nodded and closed the door beside him not
saying any word. Paul seemed to just have waken up. His hair was a little
disheveled and his clothes are a little bit crumpled.

"You still wanna go home?" Paul asked me nonchalantly like he didn't care
that I just had a breakdown. I guess he was expecting this and not all too
surprised with my state.

"Sure!" I said with a weak smile. "I'll just fix myself then we can go." I
told him as I walked to the stairs towards my room.

"I'll just lounge here and watch some TV." Paul told me and he sat on the
couch looking for the remote control there. I left him and went to the
bathroom to take a bath. The warm water cascading down my body was really
soothing and soon, I was feeling a little bit relaxed. It's like I have no
problems. I wish I can stay in here.

But sad to say, I couldn't. I shut the water off and stared at myself at
the mirror. The image that I saw seemed to be taunting me. Telling me that
I am just a stupid fool. And I agreed with him. I am a stupid fool.

I dressed up simply and went to Paul. He was watching some MTV. "Did you
know that Wade choreographed that?" He told me pointing at the TV. It was
Britney Spears' I'm A Slave 4 U playing.

"Yup. I watched that from MTV Diary." I told him with a grin.

He just groaned at me and shut off the TV. "He was there? I should have
watched that!" Paul whined a little.

"So you and Wade must be really hitting off." I said to Paul
teasingly. Well, Paul and Wade really looked good together and it seemed
that Wade is really a cool guy.

"You can say that." Paul told me with a smile. The two of us left the
house. "Walk or ride?" He asked. Well, my parent's house isn't really that
far. It's just 3 blocks away from mine.

"Let's just walk." I replied and he just nodded.

"Gonna talk?" He asked me looking at me subtly.

"What more can I do?" I sighed. "I was bawling awhile ago coz he sent my
duffel bag through one of his bodyguards."

"Oh Kyle." Paul said to me as if he's feeling what I was feeling? But he
wasn't. He has a starting relationship with Wade that seems to be a very
wonderful one. He hasn't received any heartaches. So he couldn't feel what
I was feeling. No one does.

"Justin must be celebrating right now." I said bitterly. "He got what he
wanted and he wasn't doing anything about it. It was all my fault. Maybe he
was right. Maybe Josh and I aren't really meant to be together." I started
to babble. I was just interrupted by Paul who was shaking me.

"Snap out." Paul told me. "You know, there's no problem that can't be
resolved." Paul added with a smirk.

"There's no solution with my problem." I told him stubbornly.

"Did you talk to JC?" He asked me simply as we resumed our short journey. I
shook my head 'no'. "Who don't you talk to him?" He suggested.

"He doesn't want to talk to me." I replied.

"I mean really talk. Not sweet-talk him to forgive you. Don't you think
that it's gonna be better if you talk to him heart to heart with no
inhibitions and no pretensions that you always seem to do? So what if you
two didn't get back together? It just proves that you aren't really for
each other. But if you did? Then, you'll look back at this moment a few
years from now and think that you did the right thing. There won't be any
regrets." When did Paul ever become so wise?

"I dunno if I am even sure of myself now. I mean he asked me one simple
question, "do you trust me enough?" and I didn't even answer him." I told
him.

"Do you trust JC?" Paul asked me. Again I paused for a while thinking it
through. "Now I see the problem." Paul told me.

"Huh?" I asked being clueless with what he said. I didn't answer anything.

"You think about it. Trust doesn't come from the mind. It comes from the
heart." Paul touched my chest. I actually understood him. I remember way
back when my parents always say that I was so different from Dee and
Paul. They always said that I was more of the thinker than the 'feeler'. I
dunno why, but it always enters my mind first.

"Oh." That's the only thing I could say.

"I'll repeat. Do you trust JC?" Paul asked again. I can feel a warmth in my
chest.

"I do." I answered Paul with confidence.

"Why don't you tell him that and tell him what you are really
feeling. Don't dampen anything, just do it straight from the heart. Tell
him your insecurities. Tell him what you're thinking! Tell him everything
and why you think of that." Paul told me. I was just nodding with
everything he was saying. I was feeling a little bit stupid already.

"You think?" I asked him with a little hope in my heart. Would it really
work?

I don't think so. I just know it." Paul told me with a grin plastered on
his face. "First step, call." Paul handed me my cell phone. He must have
taken it before we left. I gave him a weak smile and dialed an all too
familiar number.

The two of us were just standing there by someone else's lawn. Paul was
just staring at me waiting for something to happen. Me on the other hand
was sweating profusely. I was so nervous as hell. The phone just kept on
ringing and ringing and it was like that it wasn't gonna end. Again, my
mind was racing arranging different scenarios why JC wouldn't answer the
phone. And, all of them are really bad, very bad.

Then, I heard a click like someone answered. "Hello?" I said on the
phone. I know my voice was still a little hoarse and I sounded like I was
unsure with what I was doing. Well, I really don't know what I'll be
telling him. As what Paul said, just tell something straight from the
heart. Only silence answered me. "Josh?" I voiced out again.

I know that someone was on the other line. I can hear the deep
breathing. But why won't he say something?

-----------------------
End of Chapter

Hey everyone! Oh well, it's the 11th chapter already and this one seeps
deeper in Kyle and Paul's personalities. We see a different phase of
life... sadness and that's what I'm trying to put out. Something realistic
and not too utopian. I know that it's a lil brief but I promise that I'll
make it better for the next ones. I'm feeling a little bit giggly here
today with no reason so perhaps, the next chapter would be a very happy
one.

Please support the BBSA Awards. Nominations are up until the 15th of April
so nominate your favorite stories in lots of exciting categories!!! Just go
to... bbsa.50megs.com.

Good news is that I have my summer break already giving me all the time in
the world to write my stories. But the setback is that I'll just be bumming
around for two whole months. *sigh* Anyway, I hope this summer would be
really fun and I expect lots of mails from y'all.

Okay, I just watched Crossroads and well, it was a lil bit funny but I just
see it like Mariah's Glitter. Maybe Britney could have shone more in a
better script. But it seemed to be a fun film.

"Misery", performed by P!nk and Steven Tyler. Taken from Pink's
Missundaztood. Written by R. Supa.

Thanks to ALL of you who have taken the time and MAILED me! I truly
appreciate it very much. A big, big shout to my Danish pals, Chris and
Danny, I hope you always be in love forever coz you compliment each
other. You two are made for each other! :-)

PLEASE!!!! Send me feedbacks... I'm a feedback addict! I so love those
feedbacks. Short, long, good or bad, or just whatever... drop me a line
okay? I also have most of the IM programs out there and I'm usually on,
hopefully you can catch me.

AIM : pseud0ry
Yahoo! : yr_ry
MSN : yr_ry_@hotmail.com

Also, I'm usually in the boyband  chatroom.

NEW Addie is:
yr_ry_@hotmail.com

EMAIL me.

A big 'HI' to the people in the Nifty Boyband Chatroom and CRAZY!!! They
are so nice, especially Wes, Dru, CJ, Duckie, Strat, Clive, Jayson... and
the list goes on. Wanna say hi to my friend Byron who have helped me with
his support and his friendship! Stay strong in your relationship! Finally,
a big big 'thank you' to David who maintains the Nifty archives, without
him, we won't be reading any of the best slash fics in the world!

Also, here are my suggestions of other cool stories in the archive that
influenced me in my craft.

 + Brian and Justin (Brian/Justin)
 + The One (Brian/Justin)
 + Jamie's Romance (Justin)
 + Love Thru Chat (JC/Justin, Lance)
 + Josh and Just (JC/Justin)
 + Lance in Shining Armour (Lance)
 + My New Life (Lance)
 + Because I Love You (Brian/Nick)
 + Double Take (Brian/Nick)
 + Bad Boy B-Rok (Brian)
 + Justin's Dark Angel (Justin)
 + My Surprise Romance (Lance)
 + Heir to the Darkness (Brian/Nick)
 + Life with Justin (Justin)
 + Kevin and Dustin (Kevin)
 + French Kiss Me (Brian)
 + Millennium Love (Brian)
 + Forever (Kevin)
 + JC's Hitchhiker (JC)
 + Get Another Boyfriend (Kevin)
 + Jimmy Needs Assistance (Lance)
 + Lance, JC and an Astral Fan (Lance/JC)
 + Lance's Search (Lance/JC)
 + Heir to the Darkness (Nick/Brian)
 + JC Dreams (JC)
 + On the Streets (Kevin)
 + Sans Vous, Je Suis Rien (Justin)
 + Insecurities (Nick)
 + Chance Meeting (Justin)
 + My Soulmate JC (JC)
 + Brian and Tommy (Brian)