Date: Tue, 05 Feb 2002 19:00:40 -0800
From: musicfan@fiberia.com
Subject: Where Do We Go #44

Disclaimer:

   Chapter 44 is the next chapter in an ongoing story about Stephen Gately
from Boyzone and Eloy de Jong, formerly of Caught in the Act.  I have no
contact, alas with either gentleman or group, so these chapters exist
within the imagination of the author's mind, combined with public events
that happened during this time.

   Cheers,

   Musicfan


###


    The sound of voices raised in an argument woke Stephen up a few hours
later.  They were coming from the kitchen, and he could tell his mother was
making an effort to keep her voice low.  His brother Alan, however, was
not.

    "Mam, I'm sick and tired of everyone sticking up for that one!" Alan
said angrily.  "He's always gotten his way and you let him. God, you'd
think he was the baby of the family! No wonder why he's bent, Christ
almighty!"

    "Don't you dare take the Lord's name in vain like that!" Their mother
hissed softly, scolding her son. "And that is your brother you're talking
about."

    "I know damn well whom I'm talking about, Mam." Alan replied angrily.
"It's just that from the get go, he's been allowed to do whatever he wants,
and if it disrupts life for the rest of us, well, so be it!  Girls coming
around all hours of the night and day, getting accosted on the street just
because I'm related to him!  Christ, do you know how many times I have to
bite my tongue?  I just want to tell them they wouldn't have a chance in
hell with him, anyhow."

     "Alan Gately, if you are going to live under my roof, you're going to
have to get along with your brother.  I won't stand for this kind of
behaviour.  I really won't.  He's done nothing wrong," Margaret said,
unconsciously raising her voice to match her son's.  Stephen sat up on the
sofa and rolled his head around, trying to stretch out the kinks.  He
wasn't sure if he should just go in and confront his brother or not.  Half
of him just wanted to stay in the darkened room and avoid the conflict.
But another part of him just wanted to go in and say what he felt.  He got
up and stretched, wincing at the pain that made itself known in the back of
his head.

     "There you are, sticking up for him again," Alan accused
bitterly. "How can you say he's done nothing wrong?  Look what he's done to
our lives!"

     "What exactly have I done," Stephen asked wearily as he leaned on the
doorframe.  Alan spun around and stared at his younger brother, who had
obviously just woken up.  He hadn't known that Stephen was in the house.

     "What haven't you done?  How can Mam and Dad live here with people
coming around the house all the time?  Once those gals twig onto the fact
that you're here they're going to come swarming around the house.  How are
we supposed to live like that," Alan spouted viciously, glaring at his
younger brother.

     "What do you want me to do, Alan?  Not come home anymore?" Stephen
asked in a soft voice.  He heard his mother gasp at the suggestion, and
knew from their conversation that she didn't want that at all.  "All I
want, and all I've ever wanted was to do what I'm doing.  To entertain
people.  To make them smile. I'm sorry if for some reason you feel like
I've disrupted your life.  I really am, because I never wanted that.  I've
offered to find Mam and Dad a new place, a better place to live, but they
don't want that.  They want to stay where their friends are.  And that's
their decision.  I can't stop the fans from coming by. I wish I could.  I'd
like a place to relax without feeling I have to be on, or be happy just
because someone knocks on the door.

     "So what do you want, Alan," he asked again, waiting for a response
from his brother.

     "A normal life.  One where I don't feel like I have to lie to everyone
I meet." Alan retorted.  He crossed his arms in front of his chest and
tried to stare down his younger brother.

     "Who's asking you to lie?" Stephen asked tiredly.  He was regretting
walking into the conversation, but he couldn't sit back and listen to it go
on without having a say.  "I'm certainly not."

     "Yes you are!" Alan hissed, triumphant now that he had an outlet to
vent his anger.  "You're living a lie, you're hiding the truth from your
fans.  How do you think they'd feel if they knew that their idol liked to
shag other men?  Don't think they'd be around here much if that ever got
out."

     Stephen closed his eyes, trying to hide the wince he wanted to make at
Alan's comment.  In a way, Alan was absolutely correct, that he was hiding
his sexual preference from his fans.  The thought of it ever coming out
filled him with terror, having his personal life put on display.

     "I'm a singer.  My music has nothing to do with whom I go to bed
with," Stephen tried again to separate his public life from his private
life.  Especially now that he actually had one.  "Alan, what did I ever do
to you to make you hate me like this?"

     "He doesn't hate you," their mother said, hearing the deep
disappointment in her younger son's voice and wanting to protect him.

     "I don't hate you.  You disgust me.  You come waltzing in here,
whenever you can spare a drop of time for the family, never thinking about
any of us because you're just too damn busy for the rest of us." Alan said,
making himself angrier as he went along.  "I'm disgusted by the fact that
my brother is sick, he likes fecking other men.  That's what disgusts me.
It turns my stomach when I think about it.  And I see these girls coming by
the house all the time, hoping against hope that they might meet you one of
these times, and that you might fall for them.  What a laugh!  That's what
disgusts me." Alan advanced towards his brother who just stared at him
silently. "You let your promotional people tell lies by putting out stories
of you with this gal or that gal.  Isn't that lying?  Isn't that leading
people on?  Tell me Stephen, have you ever bothered to shag a girl? Have
you ever tried?  Who knows, maybe you'll like it!"

     "Who I shag is none of your goddamn business!" Stephen said, getting
angrier by the moment as he listened to his brother's comments. "Whether I
have or haven't been with a girl isn't something I'd tell you, anyhow.  Why
can't you get it through your head Alan?

     "Okay, fine. I like to sleep with men.  I am in love with another man,
too.  And guess what?  We have sex.  We make love to one another.  Not what
you want to hear, is it?" He moved forward and involuntarily Alan stepped
back, unconsciously responding to the threatening tone in Stephen's words.
"I just spent a weekend with him and his family, and let me tell you that
they're a lot more accepting and welcoming than you ever could be.  But you
know what?  I don't really give a shite about what you think.  It's my
life, and I'm certainly not going to change anything just to make you
happy.

    "You don't approve of me?  I really don't give a damn. I'm not going to
let you bully me, Alan.  I've had it.  This is my home too. As long as Mam
and Dad want me here, I'll come back.  I'm not running from anyone, not
you, certainly.  I'm done with that.  You don't like it, you can walk out
the door this time."  He stared up at his older brother, fists clenched.
His headache had come pounding back into his head and it throbbed in a beat
along with his words.

    "What a lovely thing to say in front of Mam. Do you like flaunting the
fact that you like shagging another man in front of her?" Alan said
angrily, falling back on Stephen's earlier words.

    "No, I don't.  I know she would rather not hear it, but frankly Alan,
you started this.  You're the one yesterday who brought it up.  I'm going
to have my say.  If you don't like it, you can stick it." Stephen said,
glaring at his brother.  "From the day I first told you I was gay you've
had problems with me.  Fine.  I can't do anything about your own
inhibitions.  You've got a problem, don't take it out on me. But I'm not
going to change my life just to make you happy."

     Margaret stepped in between the two of them.  "Enough."  She put her
hands out to separate them. "Alan, you apologise to your brother or you
leave.  I will not have this continued anymore.  Lord knows we hardly see
Stephen anyhow.  If you drive him away from this house I will never forgive
you."  She turned to her younger son, wanting to block out the words she
had heard but she couldn't deny the hurt tone in his voice when he spoke
about this friend's family being more accepting than his own.  "Stephen,
please ignore your brother.  Your father and I want you here.  This is your
home, too.  If other people have problems with it, they can move out."

      Alan stared at his mother, shocked that she was turning against him.
He had always resented his younger brother, feeling that Stephen was always
her favourite.  "You want me to leave?"

     "If you can't be civil under my roof, yes," she said, staring up at
her older son. "I won't stand this kind of arguing anymore.  I really
won't, Alan.  Now apologise to your brother, and don't talk like that while
you're in this house again."

      Alan felt shattered, knowing she meant it.  He mumbled sorry to his
brother and stepped back, needing space.  Stephen quietly accepted his
apology and stood where he was as Alan brushed passed him and walked
upstairs to his room.  Neither he nor Margaret said anything as they heard
him stomp up the stairs.  The sound of a door closing upstairs served to
release the tension that Stephen was feeling and he slumped against the
wall, exhausted from the encounter.

     "I'm so sorry, Mam.  I really am.  But this is the kind of thing I was
talking about last night." Stephen said, not looking at his mother's face.

      "I know honey," she said, wrapping her arms around her son and giving
him a hug.  "I guess it had to be said.  But please try to get along with
him from now on.  Please?"

      "I will as long as he will," Stephen promised, wanting to make his
mother happy.  He hugged her back, holding tightly for a long moment before
kissing her on the cheek.  "I love you."

      "I love you too, honey." She said softly, looking intently at his
face.  It had a pinched look and she could feel his shoulders were tense
under her hands.  She rubbed the tight muscles and he started to relax
under her touch.  "How's the head?"

      "Well, it was better.  Then I woke up." Stephen said with a crooked
smile.  They moved over to the kitchen table and his mother made a pot of
coffee for the two of them as they sat.  The silence hung between them,
filled with unspoken words as they both worked to ignore what had been said
in the argument.  Margaret kept on hearing the bitter tone in Stephen's
voice as he mentioned his friend's family and she wished she could be as
accepting and welcoming as this other man's family.  But she knew it would
be a long time before that happened because she would first have to accept
the fact that her son wasn't going to change.  Until she had heard his
comments to Alan, she had hoped that perhaps he would change his mind at
some point and that she wouldn't have to deal with it.  She knew now that
it probably would never happen, but it was going to be a while before she
could truly come to terms with it.

      "Stephen?" She asked, calling him back from wherever his thoughts had
taken him.

      "Yeah, Mam?" He looked up from his coffee mug.

      "This young man of yours..." she trailed off, not knowing how to
begin.  She saw her son's eyes widen in surprise that she had willingly
brought the topic up.  "You met his family?"

      "I did," he said, not sure where she was going to go with her
question.

      "And his mother... she accepts how her son is? And that you two are
together?" Each word came slowly as if pulled reluctantly from her.

      "Yeah, she does," he nodded.  He could see that his admission hurt
her, because she was comparing her own reaction to Eloy's mother. "But they
also live in a country that tends to be a little bit more liberal than
Ireland."  He felt like he had to say that so she wouldn't feel so bad.  He
knew how hard it was for her to accept his life, and as much as he wanted
her acceptance, he knew it was going to take time for her to reach the
point where she would feel comfortable talking about this kind of thing.
If that time ever happened.

      "He makes you happy?" She asked, looking down into her own mug.

     "Yeah, he does, Mam. Very happy." Stephen said quietly.  He longed to
tell her about Eloy, but knew it was going to happen only when she was
ready to ask.

     "Stephen, please know that's all I really want, for you to be happy."
She looked up briefly before glancing back down again.  "That's all any
mother wants. But it's going to take some time for me to come to terms with
all this."

     "I know," he said, reaching out and touching her hand lightly with his
own.  He thought wryly to himself that she had had years to get used to the
idea, but he also figured that she had buried it away because it was easier
to deal with that way.  They heard Alan come back down the stairs and go
out the front door.  Neither one spoke as they heard the door close behind
him.

      "Has Michelle met this young man?" His mother asked, startling
him. He looked up from his coffee and shook his head.

     "No, not in person.  She did talk to him on a phone a couple of
times," he said reluctantly.  He didn't want his mother to think that there
was a conspiracy with his sister in regards to his personal life.  He could
only imagine what Alan would say to that.  "One time I left my mobile on
the table and when it rang he picked it up, thinking it was his.  The other
time was she called his apartment because she hadn't heard from me and got
worried.  Sometimes I'm not the best at calling people back."  He smiled
wryly and his mother found herself smiling back.

     "And she likes him?" His mother asked again, curious despite herself.

     "Yeah, unfortunately," he said dryly.  When he saw her confused look,
he found himself laughing.  "Mam, I think if I ever get those two in a room
together it will be the end of me. They get along like a house on fire,
just from talking on the phone.  I think if they ever get together in
person I might as well leave the room, they'd be picking on me so."  His
mother smiled at his comment.

     The door slamming interrupted their conversation.  A moment later Tony
walked in, dropping his bag on the floor next to the table and slouching
into a seat.

     "Why hello there," Stephen said, smiling at his younger brother.  In
the two days he had been home, this was the first time that they had
actually talked to each other.  He was also relieved that Tony's entrance
put an end to his conversation.  At the moment, he was feeling very raw and
the conversation with his mother was like rubbing a tender spot too much.

     "Hey, welcome home," Tony said, grabbing a piece of fruit from the
middle of the table and taking a bite out of it.  "Good to finally see you
awake."  He grinned at his older brother. "Back for a while?"

     "Yeah, taking a break on the new album, so I figured I'd hang out and
see how everyone was," Stephen said, glad that Alan had already left.  He
didn't want to drag any of his other siblings into their fight, and he knew
that Tony idolised their older brother.  "How's school?"

     Tony made a face.  "Alright." He took the napkin his mother handed him
and wiped the juices from the peach off his chin.  He went on to complain
about stuff in school and Stephen and his mother shared a smile as they
heard the echo of previous conversations coming back to them through Tony's
words.

     The doorbell interrupted them and Tony got up and went to answer the
door.  The sound of girl's voices let Stephen know that his respite was
over and that there were fans at the door.  He looked at his mother and she
pointed to the kitchen door.  He knew he wasn't going to be able to hide.
He never could at home since his mother insisted that since the fans went
out of their way to come by, he could go out of his way to spend time with
them.  Before heading to the front of the house he did go over to the sink
and ran the water over his hands, brushing it through his hair with his
fingers to tame the mess from his earlier nap.  A glance at his mother got
a nod of approval and wiping his hands on the back of his jeans, he headed
down the hallway to where Tony was standing entertaining three girls.  A
gasp from one of them signaled his entrance and he smiled at them.

     "Hullo," he said, leaning against the wall.  "Tony, where are your
manners?  Please let these lovely ladies inside and invite them in."  Tony
grinned and stepped back, allowing the girls to step inside.  One of them
was clutching a camera.  The second was peering around avidly and the third
shyly kept her eyes down, her cheeks red with embarrassment.  He moved away
from the doorway so that they could enter the parlour.  Hesitantly, they
moved inside and he followed them into the small room.

     "I'm so sorry to be bothering you at home," the bolder of the girls
said, still looking around avidly.  "We came over on the ferry, and we
really didn't expect you to be here.  I kept on telling Caroline that you
wouldn't be here, that you've got so much to do, but we had heard such
great stories from our friends at meeting your mum that we just had to come
by and say hello."

     Stephen bit back a smile at her comment.  Often he and his mam joked
that the fans wanted to see her more than him. "That's okay.  My mam likes
talking to my fans."

     "Stephen Gately, where are your manners?" His mother said with an
exasperated sigh as she brushed passed him and bid the girls to have a seat
on the small sofa.  Tentatively they sat, the shy girl still not looking
up.  She stroked her hand along the material of the sofa as if not
believing she was actually there.  "How are you girls today?  Can I get you
something to drink?"

     They shook their heads, not wanting to be any bother, but she bustled
out of the room saying she was going to get them something anyhow.  Tony
took the seat next to the television, clearly enjoying the show.  He loved
when the fans came by.  It was even more fun when Stephen was home, because
he got to tease him about it afterwards.

     "I can't believe it!" the second girl whispered to her friend, who was
still not looking at him.  The first girl got up and walked around, looking
at each of the pictures.  Stephen leaned against the wall that held the
picture of Michelle's wedding, and he pointed out the gold and platinum
disks his mother had hung up on the opposite wall.  When the third girl
didn't respond, he knelt down and reached out to touch her hand.

     "I don't bite, you know," he said, smiling up into her startled face.

     "He most certainly does not!" He heard his mother say from behind him
as she bustled in with some iced tea.  "I'd have to spank him if he did."
That got the three girls laughing and Stephen moved so he was sitting
cross-legged on the floor.  With his mother's entrance the first two girls
sat back down on the sofa, the second one tucking her skirt under her
self-consciously.  His mother poured them each a glass of tea before
sitting in a chair opposite the sofa.

     "So where did you girls come from? I heard mention of the ferry, she
said as she sat back with her own glass. Stephen leaned against the chair
and she stroked her hand through his hair.  She hid a smile behind her
glass as she watched the girls avidly eat up everything that was going on.
"I also see that you met my youngest, Anthony." Tony gave them a wink that
made them giggle.

     "Thank you so much for the tea, Ma'am," the second girl spoke up
first. "You really didn't have to go through the trouble."

     "Nonsense, of course I did!" Margaret said with a merry twinkle in her
eye.  The girls said that they had come from Liverpool, having taken the
ferry over.  Margaret started telling them stories about Stephen, which
made him duck down his head in embarrassment at times.  He looked up at one
point to see the third girl smiling shyly at him and he gave her a
wink. They chatted there for a while until the front door opened.  Stephen
looked over his shoulder to see his sister standing in the doorway, her son
pulling away from her as he spied his uncle.

     "Uncle Steve!" He cried as if he hadn't seen Stephen in weeks.
Stephen laughed and opened his arms for Jordan to jump into.  He settled
Jordan on his lap, who waved to his Uncle Tony.  Tony got up and allowed
his sister to take his seat.  Margaret introduced her daughter, who smiled
at the girls on the sofa.

     "I see him less than you lot do, probably!" She laughed. Jordan was
sitting back in his uncle's lap and just listening to the conversation
around him quietly.  Stephen leaned down and whispered something in his ear
and he giggled.

     "Oh goodness, we're going to have to run if we're going to get back to
the bus in time to get to the ferry!" The second girl gasped as she looked
at her watch.  Stephen stood up and handed Jordan off to his mother.  He
offered to sign their autograph books for them, and they were thrilled that
he was so willing to do it for them.  He also posed for pictures with Tony
taking the camera from the first girl and herding them together for a
photo. Stephen gave each of them a hug and a kiss on the cheek and told
them to be careful heading back to the bus.

     They left the house with stars in their eyes and Stephen stood in the
doorway smiling as they went down the street.  His mother linked her arm
with his and smiled at him.  It was amazing how his mood had changed just
from the visit with his fans.  She pulled him back into the parlour where
he moved to the sofa, and pulled her down to sit next to him.  They chatted
about the visit for a while before Margaret got up to make the evening
meal.  Michelle had put Jordan down for a nap by this point and came back
down the stairs.  She made her way into the kitchen to help her mother and
Stephen trailed behind her.  Tony went upstairs to work on a paper he had
due for the next day and brought his books down to the kitchen so he could
do his work at the table there.

     By the time their father came home, the kitchen was filled with the
laughter of their conversation and the smells of the evening meal.

     "My, I haven't heard this kind of noise here in a long time," he said,
kissing his daughter on the top of her head as he entered the room.
Stephen and Tony were busy cleaning up the cooking pans and waved from the
sink where they took turns washing and drying the pots and pans. Their
mother was sitting at the table with Michelle, placidly drinking tea.
Martin sat down at the table, enjoying the easy camaraderie he found in his
home.  By the time that dinner was ready, Alan had walked back in the door,
in a much better frame of mind than when he left.  He and Stephen were
polite as they tacitly ignored their earlier argument.

      The meal progressed quite civilly, with Tony taking centre stage as
he regaled them with stories from the earlier encounter with the fans.
Alan was noticeably quiet, not adding to the conversation at all, for which
Stephen was grateful. They finished the meal with a pudding that Michelle
had brought over. Her Alan was on a business trip, which was why she had
come over for dinner. Afterwards, they sat around the table chatting and
Stephen felt like he was finally home again.  He really didn't want to
argue with his brother, but he had felt like he had to make a point when
Alan wouldn't let up.  Hopefully they could just let things lie.  He
certainly hoped so.

      His father and older brother went off to the pub for the evening.
Tony went upstairs to finish his homework for school and Michelle picked up
to take him home.  Stephen walked her out to the car and they chatted for a
little bit until she got into the car.  They didn't talk about the events
of the day before and she left without knowing anymore than she had when
she got there.  Stephen knew she was probably frustrated, but he wasn't
feeling up to telling her what had happened.

      As she drove away, he stood in the street, watching her car turn the
corner.  He felt like things were finally back to normal for the moment and
he sent a silent prayer that his brother would hold to his word and not
cause problems.  As he turned around, he saw his mother in the doorway and
he smiled.  He hoped that now that they had made some headway that she
would be a bit more understanding about his personal life.  She might not
agree with it, but he was hoping that she wouldn't be upset when he made
the decision to spend his breaks elsewhere.

     He talked back up the walkway and she held the door open for him.
Silently, he followed her into the parlour. A short time later his father
came back home alone.  He hadn't really wanted to stay at the pub for the
night and left Alan to his own devices.  When his father came in, Stephen
moved to his usual place to sit at his mother's feet and watched their
favourite shows with them.  He usually didn't watch those types of shows,
but he let them wash over him while he sat quietly, thinking about nothing
at all.  When it got late enough, he bid them goodnight and headed up to
bed.

     Tony was asleep, so he pulled his mobile out of his bag and listened
to his messages.  He really needed to call Eloy, but he knew it could wait
until the morning.  Eloy left a message telling him how busy his schedule
was and how much he missed him. He replayed the message three times before
hanging up the mobile and turning it off for the night.  There was an
emptiness in his heart where his lover was, torn by their separation.  He
knew there wasn't much he could do but hold on tight and wait for their
next break.

     He sighed as he rolled over to his back on the bed and waited for
sleep to come.  He didn't feel sleepy at all, and he stared up at the
ceiling, listening to his parents in the next room. His father had had a
bit to drink and was feeling rather amorous.  Stephen broke out into a grin
as he heard his mother protest through the thin walls. She loved to
protest, but she was the first to make a move when she thought she could
get away with it.  He heard their laughter and he slowly drifted off to
sleep, a smile on his face.