Date: Sun, 15 Jul 2001 16:28:34 EDT
From: FourHim821@aol.com
Subject: "While you loved me" by Mandi Part Four

Thanks everyone who has written me, your kind words have not gone unnoticed.
I was requested to have a happy ending, so I did, I had a happy ending.  So
on the with the disclamer, no I don't know them, don't plan on saying their
sexual orientations are what I believe, so don't believe this is God's honest
truth.  If you do, then you have more problems than you let yourself believe.
 If your too young to read this, or are offended by this, what are you doing
here in the first place, besides little ones, this web should be restricted,
if not...tell your mommies....on with the story...for your enjoyment, and for
the last time..here is part four, the last part of "while you loved me"...now
I can finish the other one.

Part Four

    *****Two months later******

    Nick tumbled out of bed and hit the alarm clock, it was 9:00AM time to
get up the clock said.  Nick just layed there for awhile, wondering when
Justin was going to wake up beside him,  wondering when he was going to feel
Justin's arm on him, begging him to make the pain stop, the first thing he
always done in the morning.  He waited for the sun to shine upon the angel's
face that always occupied the bed beside him, he waited for the angel to
complain that it was "hot" meaning the sun was on his face.  His angel
couldn't see, so when he felt heat, he knew it was day, and the sun was out.
Nick pulled himself out of bed and decided to make coffee, a big pot, Justin
enjoyed having coffee in the morning, he reminded himself he needed to pick
up his and Justin's tuxes from the cleaners today.  He sat down at the table,
a quiet moment, a moment to remember the happiest day of his life, and the
week that followed.  He and Justin went on a honeymoon, for about a week,
just to enjoy themselves and eachother.  The pain seemed to subside for a
week, and aside from the wheelchair, Justin was Justin again.

    Nick smelled the coffee, and realized it was almost done, and walked over
to the counter, he went to get two cups down, and it hit him......he only
needed one.  He looked at the table and saw the flowers in the middle, and no
place mats, he remembered he took them off, if he was only going to have one,
he wasn't going to have any.  The tears stung his eyes, as he started to get
angry again, he grabbed the cup of coffee, and threw it against the wall,
walking out of the kitchen.  For a month now he had been living in denial,
comforting everyone else, and never realizing that he was really gone.  He
walked into the living room, he had bought a new couch, and put the old one
upstairs, in ....his...room.  Up on the mantle was three picture frames, on
the far right was their wedding picture, and on the far right, was a picture
from their honey moon, and in the middle was Nick's wedding present from
Justin.  He picked it up, and ran his fingers over the image of Justin, and
cursed himself for thinking then, he had so much more time with him.    Even
though Justin was diognosed with a brain tumor, Nick thought that Justin
would survive anyway, because to him no one important died, celebrities don't
die, twenty-year olds don't die, Justin Timberlake couldn't die.

    Nick put so much blame on himself for Justin's death, for not knowing
that he was going to die, not believing he was going to die.  For a month now
he lived believing Justin was simply asleep upstairs, or in the shower, or
simiply not home....not dead.  He thought that he wasn't really going to die,
that this was some cruel joke, someone was paying him back for all the pranks
he pulled as a kid, and they got him good.  They could stop now, someone can
jump out and say "jokes up", but no one did....they won't, he's dead.  Justin
died in the living room a two and a half weeks after their honeymoon, no one
died after their honeymoon, Nick told himself, they lived forever, and had a
house, and kids, and loved eachother.....till death did them part...and it
does...it parts...your heart.

    Nick and Justin were home alone at the time, Nick was trying to explain
to Justin who he was, and what was going on, then all of the sudden Justin
just looked at Nick and said "I love you Nick, I always have, and always
will.  Tell my mom I love her, and hug her once a day, she doesn't have me to
do it anymore.  Make sure she's okay, don't let anything happen while I'm
gone.  Tell Johnathon that I love him too, and that he is a talented little
boy, and I do think of him as my "real" little brother.  Show him how to grow
up like you, let him be like you.  Please, please tell Steven about me, let
him know me, I don't know if he's old enough to remember me forever.  Tell my
dad that he was the best father in the world, I'm always his little boy, and
tell him that he will have a grandson one day named Randall, just not from
me.  Tell the guys a simple thank you for being my friends, and my brothers,
and sometimes my fathers.  Tell Josh something for me, tell him that he IS
the most talented person I've ever known, tell him to pursue what he wants,
that I want him to.  Tell Lance to hurry up and ask some girl out, he needs
the company, and deserves the love.  Tell Chris to suck up his pride and
apologize to Dani, he loves her and she loves him, and they belong together.
Tell Joey that he should pursue his acting career, there's only one Joesph
Fatone, and there will never be anyone more perfect for acting than him, tell
them all that I love them dearly.  Thank Lou Pearlman for me, for letting me
be in a group, then kick him in the ass for what he did to us.  Oh, and
upstairs is a song I wrote for my two little brothers, make sure they get it.
 Thank my fans for loving me, for being me, that no matter what mood I was in
they made me smile, they are me, they made me, and tell the little ones I'm
sorry they have to be faced with death at such a young age......my sweet
Nicky, don't ever forget me, I wrote a song for you too, in return for
yours....I love you..."

    Nick  remembered that Justin shut his eyes after that, and left the pain
behind...and everyone else.  It took him forever to get all that out, Nick
remembers, and he could never forget the words on the tape he found in his
room, Justin's sweet voice, singing a song just for him.  He didn't know he
could cry so much, he didn't listen to the song until he got home from the
funeral, because he didn't remember it.  That's when he remembered the boys'
song, and ran and got the tape, to listen to it before he gave it to them.

I was never alive
Till the day I was blessed with you
When I held you late at night
I know what I was put here to do
I turn off the world
And listen to you sigh
And I will sing my angel's lullaby

No one's forever near
But the one you can always call
Right now all you know to fear
Are the shadows on your wall
I'm here
Close enough
To kiss the tears you cry
I will sing my angel's lullaby

Someone tell me
How to stop the years from racing
Is there a secret someone knows
I'll never catch all the memories I'm chasin'
But I know I have to let go

So when the world feels cold
You feel that all of your strength is gone
There maybe one tiny voice
Your reason to carry on
And when I'm not close enough
To kiss the tears you cry
You will sing this angel's lullaby
Let this be our angel's lullaby

    Nick couldn't figure out how he wrote these things, or when he recorded
them, but he did, and that's all that matters.  He can still remember how
Johnathon ran to him after he heard the song, crying uncontrallaby, screaming
why couldn't his brother sing it to him himself?  Why did God take him now,
"I'm just a little boy, I need a big brother, " he said.  That's when Nick
realized what he had to do, Justin wanted him to do it, "you have me Jon,
I'll be your brother." Johnathon looked at Nick, and smiled, he looked so
much like Justin, it almost hurt Nick, but it made him happy, Justin still
was here, he didn't leave.

    Nick visited Justin's grave often, and today on his way to the cleaners
he decided that he might stop by, but thought better of it, he needed time to
think right now, get his head back on straight.  He needed to find a way to
move on, but didn't know where to find it, so he decided that he can't move
on when he's mourning, so he decided this was his time for himself, for
awhile, he needed to be alone.  After he arrived home, Nick went to the
backyard, the one that Justin fell in love with when he walked through the
house when they bought it.  He sat down on the swing, thinking simply about
Justin, and about his life..now.  Nick knew soon he had to go back out on the
road, and they had to record the rest of the album first..and tomorrow, he
had to go back.  He knew it would do him good to get back into things, he had
been so out of it for a month, he was glad that things seemed to be getting
better.  Nick got up and went back inside, he had an idea for the album.

*****five years later****

    "Randy, get back in here, don't give me that look, your sister is eating
her cereal, what' wrong with yours?" Nick questioned his son.
    "I hate this cerel" he said in his two year-old broken english.
    "Why?, it's cereal Randy, it all tastes the same"
    "I want APPLEJAK" he screamed.
    "Fine, I'll be back honey, gotta run to the store, he's in one of his
cereal cravings again." Nick yelled at his wife in the other room.
    "Just like his father isn't he..."she said quietly walking into the room.
    "Yeap, just like dad." he answered walking out the door.

    Nick quickly went to the store and came back, they didn't have much time
before everyone got here for Katie's birthday, she was one year old today,
spoiled rotten, and daddy's little girl.  Randy was daddy's little boy, the
apple of his eye, he just seemed to act like his father too much.  Randy was
concieved by request of Nick after he got married to his wife, telling her
the promise he made so long ago.  Randall Scott was born two years ago,
surprisingly on January 31st.  Katie Jean was born on July 4th a year ago
today, this one was Nick's.   Nick still carries a picture of Justin in his
wallet, and always will, still has the pictures in his wife's and his'
bedroom, she doesn't mind, as long as he doesn't put up the wedding picture,
their kids might get suspicious, he agreed and put it in a box in the attic,
simply titled "justin".  Nick was happy with his life now, he was happy
before, but now he was happy again, he loved his wife dearly, and his
children just as much.  He still visits Justin's grave periodically, and his
parents, they are "officially and unofficially" the kids' other grandparents.
 Even though Randy's last name was Timberlake and Katie's was Carter, no one
minded to have them both as grandchildren.  One day he'll explain to Randy,
Katie, and the other son on the way, about Justin, about what a beatiful
person he was, and why he was so important to him.  His wife didn't mind this
all very much, she understood, because she once lost the one man she ever
loved, so she knew what he was going through.  Nick sang his children to
sleep with Justin's song, everynight, and then tucked them in, and walked to
his bedroom.  Tonight it was a little later than usual, they had a big party
everybody was here, the rest of Nsync, Backstreet, and their parents.  Nick
climbed into bed and rolled over to face his wife.  Their lips brushed and
she quietly whispered "I love you Nick" before she fell asleep, as Nick
quietly answered, "I love you too Britney."

            THE END