Date: Fri, 30 Mar 2001 20:10:55 -0500
From: seth = cool <wrongfulsuspicion@hotmail.com>
Subject: yellow chapter 4

Hey guys (and gals)!  Here's another chapter of "Yellow" for ya... I was
hoping to have this out before March ended and... I succeeded.  Go me!  I
think it turned out ok, overall... I jump around a lot (again)... and you
might wanna reread chapter 3 if you don't remember it... it's not
crucial, but it might help.

I have a question... is anybody reading this thing?  Cuz... I mean, I've
gotten a few emails about it, and that's really, really cool... and I've
TRIED to respond to them, but I suck at email... anyways... if you've
emailed me, thanks a lot... I DO appreciate it... and, if ya want, try me
again... I'm gonna try and actually get back to you guys this time.  If
you haven't emailed me, please do... I'm not gonna say that if I don't
get emails, I'm gonna stop the story, cuz I don't write it for that... I
write it for me... but it's nice to know that someone's reading it and
(maybe) enjoying it.  So yeah... wrongfulsuspicion@hotmail.com.

Thanks go out to friends (SLJ) and readers...

Disclaimer time... if you're under 18, you're not supposed to read this.
Bad language abounds in this chapter... and we all know that if you're
under 18, you've never heard bad language...

This story doesn't mean to imply that anyone in NSYNC is gay, has
ever met anyone who is gay, or even knows what the word "gay" means.

You guys get two quotes this time, cuz I couldn't decide which one I
liked better.  I think they both fit the chapter well, so...

"guess I'm doing something wrong
never feel right in these shoes
a pocket full of matches and a head full of flames
got to warn you that I'm bad news"
      -eels

"feeling scared today
write down 'i am ok'
a hundred times the doctors say
I am ok
I am ok
I'm not ok"
      -eels

and now (finally)... chapter 4 of... "Yellow"...

***

I walked into the hotel bar and examined my surroundings.  A piano.  A
bar.  Tables.  Depressed people.  Perfect.

I headed towards the bar and pulled up a stool. Grabbing an ashtray
from behind the counter, I lit up a cigarette, watching the smoke curl
its way towards the ceiling before vanishing with fascination.  It
always struck me as beautiful.

Where was I?  Kansas?  Kentucky?  It's one of the "K" states, I think...
but I could be wrong.  Doesn't really matter.

"Hey kid."

I looked up to see the bartender hovering over me.  "Yeah?"

"The lady down there wants to buy you a drink," he said, pointing to
the other end of the bar.  Through the lingering smoke and dim lights
of the bar, I could barely make out a figure, let alone tell it was a
woman.  I decided to take his word for it.  I nodded my thanks to the
bartender, stood up, and began to make my way towards her.

"Hello."

"Hi."

She was pretty, I guess.  Mid to late 20s, I'd say... but I'm usually not
too good at games like that.  She had a kind face though.  Red
highlights in her hair.  Black glasses.  A little familiar looking.
"My name's Evan."

She shook her head at me.  "I know that.  Don't you remember me?"

"I'm afraid I don't."

"Rebecca Tilson."  Seeing no hint of recognition appear on my face, she
sighed.  "I interviewed you a while back."

"Oh yeah... the chick I stood up a bunch of times."

She laughed a little, swirling her drink around in her hand.  "So you
DO remember..."

I smiled.  "Yeah... sorry about that."

She waved her hand in the air.  "It's ok... no hard feelings.  I'm used
to dealing with you rock star types."

"That's me... Mr. Rock Star."  I lit another cigarette and sat down on
the stool next to her.

"You want something to drink?"

I nodded slightly.  "Yeah... a Coke would be great."

"A Coke?  No booze?"

"I don't drink."

She stared at me, seeming to be dumbfounded.  "The man who wrote the
song 'Alcohol Saved My Life' doesn't drink?"

I shrugged.  "Pretty much."

"Alright... whatever..."  She motioned the bartender over to us, placed my
order, and turned back to me abruptly.  "So what're you doing in
Colorado?"

Colorado?   Wow... I was way off.  How in the hell did I get to Colorado?
I guess I shouldn't have left the map at home.  "I dunno... just
driving."

"You drove here from North Carolina?!?"

I shrugged again.  "Looks like it, don't it?"

"Wow."

"I guess."  I suddenly felt uncomfortable.  Very uncomfortable.  I
called the bartender back over.  "Gimme a vodka."

"I thought you didn't drink."

"I don't."

"Uh... huh."

"So why are you here?"

"There's some local band that's starting to make waves... so the magazine
sent me up here to interview 'em."

"They any good?"

"Not in the least."

"So they're gonna be big."

"Yep."

"Gotta love the music business."  I swallowed my drink down in one long
swing and quickly called for another.

"You're an interesting guy, Evan."

I laughed.  It came out bitter.  Big surprise.  "So I keep hearing."

Rebecca opened her mouth and quickly shut it.  I guess she chose to
ignore my comment.  "Did you like the article I wrote about you?"

"Honestly?  I never read it."

"Well... that makes me feel good."

Another shrug.  "It's not personal."

"I know."  We sat there in silence for awhile, neither one of us
knowing quite what to say.  She drank.  I drank and smoked.  She
finally stood up, throwing some cash down on the bar.  "Well... it's been
real, Evan... but I think I'm gonna go get some sleep."

"Ok."

I watched her walk out of the bar.  Turning back to my half-empty
drink, I lit another cigarette.  Halfway through it, I heard a voice
behind me.  "Why'd you lie to me Evan?"

I looked over my shoulder.  Rebecca.  "It depends.  What did I lie to
you about?"

"During our interview.  I asked you why you stopped playing.  You said
it was because you were tired."

"I was.  Still am."

She walked back to her stool, standing over me.  "That may be.  But
there's something else there."

"Why do you say that?"

"Because I'm not a fucking idiot."

"Oh."

"Indeed.  So... why'd you lie?"

I finished the rest of my drink and turned to face her.  "Fuck off
Rebecca."

"Fuck you Evan.  Now tell me."

Who the fuck did this chick think she was?  "Why?  So you can write ALL
ABOUT IT in your next fucking article?  Thanks a lot, but you can go to
hell."

"I don't give a damn about my next fucking article Evan... I don't even
give a damn why you REALLY haven't played anything in three years.
What I DO care about is that I printed a lie, represented as the truth.
And that's NOT cool in my book.  So just tell me WHY the FUCK you lied,
and I'll leave you alone."

***

My head was pounding.  No... that had to be the understatement of the
century.  My head felt like it had imploded.  I sat up in bed,
disoriented.  Where the fuck was I?  And why was the shower running?
Did I have sex last night?  I looked down.  Still wearing clothes.
That was a good sign.

I slowly crawled out of bed, my legs wobbly.  I looked around the room.
It wasn't mine.  That I was sure about.  This one had a balcony.  Why
the fuck didn't I get a balcony?  I walked towards the sliding doors.
Maybe fresh air would help.  Sliding the blinds to one side, I felt the
sun hit my face.  "OH FUCK!!!" I screamed, pulling the blinds back as
fast as I could.

"You know, with the amount you drank last night, I'm surprised you can
move at all."

I turned around to face the person who was speaking to me.  The events
of last night slowly clicked back into place (or... at least... some of
them).  "Rebecca?"

"Bingo."  She was wearing a tank top and a pair of boxers.  Not mine.

"Did... did we have sex?"

She laughed.  "Evan... you're GAY.  I slept on the couch."

I sighed.  "Thank God."

"Aww... you sure know how to make a girl feel special there, Evan," she
said, smiling.

"I didn't... I didn't mean..."

"I know what you meant.  Besides... you were so shit-faced last night
that I had to have one of the bellboys help me drag you up here.  Even
if either of us wanted to, I don't think you would have been ABLE to
have sex."

I crossed the room and collapsed back onto the bed.  "Good to know."

"You're a sarcastic little fucker, aren't you?"

I lifted my head slightly to look at her, ignoring the searing pain in
my brain.  "Pretty much, yeah."  She laughed.  Glad I was amusing her.

"Do you remember anything about last night?"

I thought about it.  Remembered walking into the bar, remembered
talking with Rebecca for a bit, remembered ordering a vodka... remembered
her leaving, her coming back... oh... shit.  SHIT.  I sat up suddenly.  Big
mistake.  Rebecca walked past me to her bag.  She searched through it
for a minute or so, pulled something out, and threw it at me.  Tylenol.
Thank God.  I swallowed four of them... and then two more for good
measure.  "What... what did I tell you?

She walked over to the bed and sat down next to me.  Her eyes were full
of sympathy, and I knew I had said too much last night.  "Enough Evan.
You told me enough."

I felt the tears drop down my face.  Rebecca shifted towards me,
wrapping me in a hug.  "It's ok.  Let it out."  I pushed her away after
a few seconds and walked across the room.  Staring at the blinds which
led to the window which led to the world.

"It's not ok Rebecca."

"It will be.  Maybe not now, but someday.  It will be."

I shook my head.  "Some scars never heal," I whispered.

"True.  Some scars don't... if you don't let them."

I turned to face her, my eyes red.  "FUCK YOU.  You don't know what
it's like.  You can't even BEGIN to comprehend.  Every time I fucking
look at myself..." I trailed off.

She got off the bed and moved towards me.  "Evan..."

"STOP!  Don't start!  JUST DON'T!"

She stopped moving.  We were maybe ten feet apart.  She looked me in
the eyes and tried again.  "Evan, you can't..."

"FUCK!  Are you a fucking IDIOT?  GODDAMMIT!"  My head fell, my eyes
boring holes in the ground.  And I made a decision.  I raised my head
back up, meeting her eyes once again.  "You wanna see what I have to
see every day?  Do you?  Fuck... will that get you off my fucking back?
Well, FINE."  I quickly pulled my shirt over my head and threw it
across the room.  "Happy now?"

She gasped.  Pulled her hand over her mouth, which was hanging wide
open.  "Oh... Jesus."

"SOME SCARS DON'T HEAL."

Rebecca shook her head.  "Evan..."

"What Rebecca?  WHAT?  Every fucking day, I have to see this... and it's
a reminder.  A reminder of that night.  And I'm supposed to get over
this?  Not a chance in hell.  NOT A CHANCE."

***

"I ran away."

"What?"

I looked up at Rebecca, who was sitting across from me.  She was
slouched down in the booth, picking at her salad.  "I ran away.  That's
why I'm in Colorado."

"What did you run away from?"

I took a bit out of my hamburger and shrugged.  "I dunno.  Life, I
guess."

"Evan..." she began, before she trailed off, hesitating.

"Yeah?"

"Do you know the Eels?"

"Of course."

"You know 'P.S. You Rock My World'?"

"Yeah..."

"'And I was thinking 'bout how/ Everyone was dying/ And maybe it's time
to live.'"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

She leaned forward, elbows on the table.  "I dunno... maybe... just... it's
time for you to start living."

I looked down at my plate, staring at my half-eaten lunch.  She was
right, of course.  But... but I didn't know how.  How sad is that?  I
didn't know how to live anymore.

"Evan?"

I looked back up at her.  "I don't know if I can."

"You're a strong man Evan.  You can."

"I wish I were as sure about it as you seem to be."

She sighed.  "You only get one life Evan.  You might as well use it."

***

I sped down the highway, headed east.  Back home?  Maybe.  Not too sure
yet.

I kept thinking about what Rebecca had said to me.  She was right.  I
knew that.  But what I didn't know is if I was strong enough.  I didn't
FEEL strong enough, that's for damn sure.

I knew that I had a lot to make up for, a lot of work to do if I was
gonna get past this.  I sighed, keeping my eyes peeled for a hotel and,
more specifically, a phone.

***

"Hello?"

"Hi."

"EVAN?!?"

"Yeah."

"Where the FUCK are you?!?"

I sighed.  "I'm... not too sure.  Somewhere in Iowa... or Illinois... one or
the other."

"Why are you way the fuck out there?"

"Aaron... look... I'm sorry."

A pause on the other end of the phone.  I could almost hear the anger
building up.  "You're sorry?  YOU'RE SORRY?!?  Do you KNOW how FUCKING
worried I was about you?  DO YOU?  Christ Evan... I had your family, my
family, friends... the fucking POLICE looking for you!"

"I'm sorry," I said, almost whispering.

"I mean, fuck... you just up and leave TWO WEEKS ago without a word to
anyone..."

I jumped in, interrupting him before this got any worse.  "Aaron look...
I know that what I did was pretty shitty.  I know... I know that a lot of
things that... I've done... have been pretty shitty.  I just needed... I
needed to think about stuff."

Quiet.

"Aaron?"

"Like what?"

"Like... I dunno... STUFF!"

"That's real descriptive there, Evan."

"I just... I don't know what to do anymore... it's like... I'm being pulled
in two directions... and either way I go just... sucks."

He sighed.  "Evan, I hate to mention this, but... you're the one who
trapped yourself into that situation.  It didn't have to come to this."

"I know.  I know."

"What are you gonna do?"

"Either kill myself or live happily ever after... haven't decided yet."

A pause.  I could hear Aaron take a deep breath.  "If that's a joke
Evan, it's a really shitty one."

I felt a wave of guilt overtake me almost immediately.  "I'm sorry."

"Let me try this again.  What are you gonna do?"

"I dunno.  I think I'm gonna stay on the road for awhile.  I think...
it's good for me not to be at home.  Away from... things."

"Ok."

"Ok."

"Look... Evan... I'm still really fucking pissed at you... you know that,
don't you?"

"Yeah."

"But... if you need to talk... about anything... you know you can call me,
right?"

"Yeah."

"Ok."

"I'm gonna go now."

"Wait!  You need to call Justin."

Justin?!?  "Why do I need to call JUSTIN?!?"

"Because... when you disappeared... I called a whole bunch of people,
trying to find out if you had mentioned anything to anyone... and JC and
Justin were two of those people.  They're both really worried about
you.  So call Justin."

"Why not JC?  Why do I have to call Justin?"  I was whining now, I'll
admit it.

Another sigh.  "Because you know Justin a lot better, and it's only
fair.  He's worried Evan.  Call him."

I felt all the fight ease out of my body.  "Ok."

"You promise?"

"Yeah."

"Ok."

"Anything else?"

He paused.  "Evan... take as much time as you need... just... keep in touch
every now and then, ok?"

"Alright."

"And... I hope... I hope you find what you're looking for... the... the
answers
that you need."

I felt the first tears begin to well up behind my eyes.  Aaron was way
too good of a friend.  "Thank you Aaron."

"No problem.  Now go."

"Ok."  I hesitated before speaking up again.  "I love you Aaron."

I laugh... one that sounded to be expelled through tears.  "I love you
too, you big dumbass."

"Say hi to the wife for me, will ya?"

"Yeah."

"Bye Aaron."

"Goodbye Evan."

***

"Hello?"

"Hey Justin."

"Evan?"

"Yeah.  It's me."

Silence.  I think... I think he wanted me to say something else.  What?
I have no idea... so instead, we sat.  Me in Illinois (or Iowa), him in...
wherever... neither wanting to be the first to break the silence.  I
guess it finally became to much for him, because after like five
minutes, he spoke up again.  "Where are you?"

"I dunno... somewhere... a hotel... I think Illinois.  Maybe Iowa.  One of
those 'I' states."

A sigh.  "Why'd you run away?"

"It just... I dunno... I just... couldn't take it anymore."

"Couldn't take what?"

I shrugged involuntarily.  "I guess... just... life."

Another pause.  "Why are you calling me?"

I thought briefly of lying, but decided against it.  "Because Aaron
told me to.  He said that... you were... I mean... you and JC... were
worried
about me."

"We were."

"I'm sorry for that."

"Ok."

"Really."

A small laugh.  "I believe you Evan."

"Ok."

"What happened Evan?"

I sighed.  "Justin..."

"I know, I know," he interrupted.  "Just thought it was worth a try."

"Ok."

"Why... why didn't you just talk to someone?  Aaron or... whomever.  Me
even.  Someone could have tried to help you.  Running away... doesn't
solve much."

"I didn't know... what to talk about."

"What do you mean?"

"I wouldn't even know where to start, Justin.  It's just... it's all
piled up, so high... it just seems like there's no way to get into it."
Damn.  I was being really honest.  I had forgotten how easy Justin was
to talk to.  I could feel myself slowly letting down my guard with him...
again... the wall that I had taken so long to build up.

"I guess that makes sense.  But... but there has to be something somebody
can do to help."

I sighed again.  "Probably... but that would involve a whole lot of
talking and a whole lot of listening... and even if I figured out how to
get into it, I dunno if I have the energy to deal with it."  Unless I'm
drunk, I remembered bitterly, thinking of Rebecca.

"Let me ask you something Evan."

"Ok."

"Do you like who you are right now?"

"Not particularly," I answered, so softly that I could barely hear the
words come out of my mouth.

"Well... then... all I can say to you is... find the energy.  Find the
strength.  It wouldn't hurt anything to talk about it."

"I know."

"Ok."

"Ok."

"I guess... I'll let you go then."

"Alright."

"Thanks for calling."

"Yeah."  My mind was working overdrive.  Why did he have to be so damn
smart?  Why did he have to have all the answers?  I mean... I don't know
what I mean.  It's just... he was SO easy to talk to... and, as much as I
hated to admit it, I didn't really want to hang up.  There was just...
something... about him.  I remembered the first time I met Justin.  And I
remembered how close I had come to telling him.  I mean... I had known
him for like... less than a day... and I wanted to spill my guts to him.
He was just... a really nice guy.  And he was concerned about me.  Even
I, in the truly fucked up existence that I called my reality, could see
that.  And so, like all the decisions that I ever made... I made up my
mind quickly and suddenly.  I needed to say the words before I
chickened out.  Say them, dammit.  "Justin?"

"Yeah?"

Here we go.  Deep breath.  "Where are you?"

"What?"

"Where are you?"

"Ummm... St. Louis.  Why?"

"For how long?"

"I think... another day... then... Memphis.  Why?"

Another deep breath.  "I'm coming to see you."

***

Yeah yeah... I'm just teasing you now.  Next chapter will be out...
eventually.  Before April's out, I think.  I'd hope so, at least.  The
song quote in the story is by the Eels, in case you didn't catch that.
Incidentally, we're nearing the end of what I like to call "Phase 1" of
the story.  There are 3 phases, overall (and in case you're thinking,
"Wow... that was quick," know that not all the "phases" are the same
length... the next one could be 9 chapters, the third one could be 94... I
would doubt it, but who knows?  The point I'm attempting to make is
that the story is NOT almost over).  Just wanted to make you guys
aware, cause things are gonna begin to change for our friend Evan soon...
will they be good or bad?  I dunno... we'll see what happens together.
Email... wrongfulsuspicion@hotmail.com.  Until next time, don't let the
man get you down!