Date: Sun, 11 Apr 1999 18:09:06 PDT
From: blake carrington <denvercarrington@hotmail.com>
Subject: Mixed Emotions (Dawson's Delight 4)

   ### I'm not connected to Dawson's Creek in any way. This is a fan
fiction story and isn't supposed to reflect on the sexual preferences
of the actors who play the characters. All characters are the
property of Sony and Outerbank Entertainment and copywrited to them.


     Dawson sat in the darkened theatre, staring up at the horrific
images on the screen. It was the fifth time he'd come to see 'Saving
Private Ryan', his idol's latest masterpiece. Despite that fact, he
watched each detail intently, feeling in awe of it all as if it were
the first time again.
     "Dawson, pass the popcorn," Jen whispered to his left. Without
taking his eyes off the screen, Dawson picked up the tub of popcorn
and handed it to her.
     "Thanks. Have you see Joey lately?" Jen whispered as she took it.
     "What? Yeah, at school. And the Ice House. Jen, it kind of
defeats the point of paying to see a movie if we're going to hold a
conversation in the middle of it," Dawson replied, taking his eyes
off the screen for a few seconds to make his point.
     "Sorry. But I've seen this movie three times with you. It's
getting a little old," Jen sighed.
     "Old?? Jen this movie is a masterpiece. A work of art! How can
you say it's getting old? Does Romeo and Juliet get old after the ten
thousandth time? No! So how can-"
     "Down boy. Down. Sorry, I forgot who I was talking too for a
moment," Jen laughed.
     Dawson smiled and turned his whole attention back to the screen.
They watched the rest of the movie in silence and then made their way
out to the lobby together. Dawson sighed a little as the daylight
reached his eyes. Going to the movies was his only escape from his
own life. While he was sitting there in the darkness, he lost himself
and became a part of the movie. When it was over, reality set back in.
     "There's Pacey and Andie," Jen commented, pointing across the
lobby. Dawson followed her gaze and saw the couple coming out of
another movie theater, laughing. Pacey's arm was draped over Andie's
shoulders and they looked incredibly happy.
     Dawson hadn't seen much of Pacey in the last few weeks. Maybe it
was because Dawson had been busy with the film, or because Pacey was
so busy with Andie. Or, maybe it was because Dawson was using up a
lot of his free time for secretive sexual encounters with Jack,
encounters that always left him feeling guilty about the fact that
while Jack was in love with him, he was only using Jack for his own
sexual pleasure.
     Each time they reached their mind numbing and body exhausting
climaxes, Dawson promised himself that it was the last time. He
wouldn't give in to his hormones again, he'd be strong and let Jack
know that it just couldn't happen again. But all those vows flew
right out the window each time Jack touched him or gave him that
secret smile. When that happened, the hormones took over his body
once again.
     Whatever the reason, though, Dawson had lately only seen Pacey
at school and at the video store where they both worked. He'd even
begun to wonder if Pacey was avoiding him. That thought struck fear
in Dawson's heart. If it was true, Pacey must have learned about him
and Jack. Maybe Jack told Andie and she told Pacey! Dawson couldn't
bear the thought of Pacey turning against him.
     "Oh, look! It's Dawson and Jen! You know, I think the two of
them would make such a cute couple. I know they tried it and it
didn't work, but don't you think they're a cute couple? Of course, he
and Joey are cute too, and that's like, true love. You know? But then
again, she's finding herself, so Dawson is fair game after all.
Right?" Andie asked. She was in one of her perky moods.
     "Whatever you say," Pacey laughed. Behind the smile, though,
hidden where Andie would never know about, was a sudden jolt of
fear and guilt. Pacey had been avoiding Dawson as much as possible
since catching him with Jack. At first it had been because of the
fear that Jack may have told Dawson that he'd had seen them together.
That would lead to a discussion between them about Dawson being gay,
and Pacey was terrified of what such a discussion could lead to.
     But since so much time had passed, Witter was now certain that
Jack had kept quiet. Why I am still avoiding him, then? he wondered.
But deep down, he knew the answer. He'd had feelings for Dawson for a
long time. Before he'd found out the truth, it had been easy to deal
with those feelings by telling himself that Dawson was straight and
nothing could ever happen between them.
     Now, though, he knew that not only was Dawson gay, he also had
feelings for him! That scared Pacey, a lot. He wanted so much to tell
Dawson the truth and be with him. But he couldn't. Not only would it
probably ruin a life long friendship that meant a lot to Pacey, but
it would also mean that Pacey was gay.
     Inside of himself, Pacey knew he was gay. But he'd long ago
convinced himself that as long as he never acted on it or let anyone
else know about the feelings he had for other men, he wouldn't really
be gay. Sleeping with Ms. Jacobs and then Andie had allowed him to
further convince himself that this was true.
     "Hey guys! What movie did you too see?" Jen asked as the four
teens met up in the center of the lobby.
     "Shakespeare In Love," Andie smiled. "It's so romantic!
Especially seeing it with Pacey."
     "I'll give you one guess about what we saw," Jen rolled her eyes
and smiled.
     "Hey, it's a classic Jen," Dawson protested, smiling.
     "Jen, try working in a video store with this guy. I can recite
ET, Jaws, and just about any other Spielburg movie line for line. He
never lets me choose what movie we play,"  Pacey laughed.
     "That is so not true! What did we watch yesterday? I belive it
was The Mighty Ducks, wasn't it? That certainly wasn't my choice,"
Dawson laughed. He felt relieved by Pacey's attitude. He was as laid
back as ever. Surely if he knew the truth, he'd be acting differently.
     "Now that's a classic!" Pacey grinned.
     "You guys want to get something to eat?" Jen asked as the four
of them made their way out of the theatre together.
     "Sounds good to me! Hey lets go to the Ice House. It's just
about time for Jack's lunch break. I hate to think of him eating all
alone. He's never had a lot of friends, but since he came out it's
been even worse," Andie sighed.
     "Yeah, that's sounds fine. Jack's a great guy. It's a shame that
there are so many closed minds in this town," Jen sighed.
     Pacey glanced at Dawson, wondering if there was still something
going on with him and Jack. Maybe, Pacey thought hopefully, it had
just been a one time thing.
     Dawson concentrated on keeping his expression as normal as
possible. Jack had told him that Jen was already aware of the fact
that Dawson had been acting odd lately. If he showed any strange
reaction to the mention of Jack's name, Jen might guess just why he
was acting weird, and he didn't want that to happen.
     The four of them walked to the Ice House, talking about school
and people they knew.
     "Chris Wolfe is having a party tonight," Jen mentioned.
     "He is such a sleaze! Oh, I didn't mean... I'm sure he's not
always a sleaze. He can be nice at times," Andie hastily corrected
herself as she recalled that Jen and Chris had briefly been lovers.
     "No, he's pretty much a sleaze 24-7," Jen laughed. "Don't worry,
Dawson. I won't be going to the party. I learned my lesson last time."
     Dawson smiled, but the mention of Chris brought forth another
thing for him to worry about. Dawson knew that at any given moment
Chris could show up and demand a blow job. While blowing Chris
certainly wasn't an awful thing, it always left Dawson feeling
incredibly cheap. Especially since Chris always treated him like his
own personal toy and never failed to leave him with a hardon.
     The odd thing was, Chris hadn't requested oral sex from Jack at
all, not after that first night. For some reason, it was always
Dawson who was forced to pleasure him to keep the secret quiet.
     Pacey, meanwhile, was also thinking about Chris. From what he'd
heard that day in Dawson's room, he knew that Capeside High's most
famous womanizer was somehow involved with Jack and Dawson sexually.
Pacey couldn't imagine his best friend, that old fashioned romantic
Dawson Leery, involved in a threesome. Something strange was
definitely going on when it came to Chris Wolfe, Pacey decided.
    The four teens arrived at the Ice House and chose one of the
outdoor tables. Bessie Potter smiled and came towards the table with
four menus.
     "Hey guys. What's going on?" Joey's older sister asked.
     "Not much, Bessie. Is Joey working today?" Dawson asked.
     "No, she had her art class today," Bessie said, smiling. Just
then, a large crash and the sound of breaking glass filled the air.
Bessie groaned and put a hand on her forehead.
     "Jack? What did you break this time?" she called out.
     "I'm sorry. Just a few glasses," Jack called from inside. "I'll
clean it up."
     "Don't bother. It's time for your lunch break. I'll take care of
it," Bessie called back to him. She smiled at the four teens and
shook her head in exasperation.
     "Are you sure?" Jack asked, coming out of the restaurant.
     "Yeah, I'm sure," Bessie said.
     "Jack, come have lunch with us!" Andie called out to her
brother. Jack turned and noticed the four of them for the first time.
His eyes lingered for a moment on Dawson, who was studiously devoting
all of his attention to the menu.
     Pacey watched Jack and Dawson curiously while pretending that he
was looking at the menu. Dawson hadn't looked at Jack once, but Jack
had shot several glances towards Dawson. What does it mean? Pacey
wondered.
     They five teens ordered and were soon eating the Ice House
cuisine. Jen and Andie did most of the talking while their three male
companions each struggled with his own thoughts.
     'Why won't Dawson even look at me? Is he ashamed of me? Of our
love? I can understand him not wanting anyone to find out, but he's
acting like I don't even exist,' Jack thought.
     'I can't look at him. He'll give me that look and then I'll end
up doing something stupid,' Dawson was thinking.
     'Jack certainly couldn't be more obvious. He's staring at Dawson
like he's desert,' Pacey though with a sting of jealousy.
     Once they were all finished eating, Jack sighed and stood up.
"Well, I'd better get back to work. Bessie can probably use some
help."
     "Just try not to break anything else, okay?" Andie smiled at her
brother.
     "I'll try," Jack grinned. "I'll see you all later."
     "Bye," Jen and Pacey both said at the same time. Jack smiled but
seemed to hesitate. He remained standing by the table for a few
seconds, waiting for Dawson to say something.
     "See you around, Jack," Dawson finally said, looking at him for
the first time.
     "Yeah. Actually Dawson, I have an idea for a model that you
might be able to use in the movie. You mind if I stop by your house
later on?" Jack asked.
     "Actually, Dawson and I are doing something tonight Jack," Pacey
said quickly. As soon as the words left his mouth he could have
kicked himself. He and Dawson really didn't have plans, but the words
had just come out. He felt incredibly jealous at the thought of Jack
and Dawson being together.
     "Oh," Jack said, looking at Pacey. "Okay. Maybe some other time.
I'll call you Dawson."
     "Okay," Dawson said. Jack walked slowly back towards the
restaurant and Dawson glanced curiously towards Pacey. Had he made
plans with Pacey and then forgotten them? No, he was sure he hadn't.
But why would Pacey say that he had?
     Jack watched from inside as the four of them walked away. What
was going on? Dawson had hardly looked at him during lunch and Pacey
had been very quick to ruin any chance that he and Dawson might get
together that night. Had something happened between Pacey and Dawson?
     "I love him. I'm not going to lose him," Jack mumbled to himself
as his four lunch companions disappeared from sight.

     Pacey walked up the front steps to Dawson's house slowly. He'd
spent the past few hours trying to come up with a way to explain why
he'd lied to Jack at lunch. He knew Dawson would wonder why he'd done
it, and there was no way Pacey could tell him the truth. 'I did it
because I love you and I don't want you sleeping with Jack any more'
were words that would never cross Pacey Witter's lips.
     He let himself in and found Dawson's mom sitting in the living
room with a book open in her lap.
     "Hi Mrs. Leery. Dawson around?" he asked. Gail looked up and
smiled at Pacey.
     "Yeah, he's upstairs Pacey. Go on up."
     Dawson was at the computer when Pacey knocked on the door. Pacey
smiled at him and plopped down on the bed. "Hey, what's up?"
     "Nothing, really. What was all that about you and I having plans
tonight? Did I forget something?" Dawson asked, turning to face Pacey.
     "No. I just figured you probably wouldn't want to hang out with
Jack. I know the two of you have never been best friends. Besides,
it's been awhile since we hung out," Pacey said.
     "So, what do you want to do, then?" Dawson asked. His heart was
pounding as he stared at Pacey. He looked so hot, lying there on
Dawson's bed. What would he look like if he was lying there naked?
Dawson wondered. The mental image that came into his head began to
cause a stirring in his jeans.
     "I don't know. Watch a movie?" Pacey suggested. He was trying
hard to keep the image of Dawson sucking Jack's cock out of his mind,
but it wasn't working. He could feel his cock rising in his pants.
     "Okay. You choose," Dawson replied. He didn't want to stand up.
If he did, Pacey would notice the bulge in his pants.
     Pacey was having much the same problem, but solved it by rolling
across the bed and standing up with his back to Dawson. He grabbed a
movie at random and tossed it to Dawson, Then quickly sat back down
on the bed and pulled his knees up to his chest to hide his problem.
     Dawson began to sweat. How was he supposed to get up and put the
movie in the VCR without Pacey noticing his hardon? He grabbed his
book bag from the floor beside him and stood up so that it covered
the front of his jeans. Pacey didn't look his way, to Dawson's
relief. He wasn't quite sure how to explain the need to carry his bag
over to the VCR.
     Dawson shoved the movie in and sat down on the foot of the bed.
He scooted backwards until he was next to Pacey and drew up his own
knees. Sighing in relief, he reached for the remote. Pacey hadn't see
his erection.
     Dawson hit play. The two teens sat there, staring at the screen,
neither saying a word as they both tried to mentally will their cocks
into submission.
     Dawson gasped suddenly as the image of a young blonde guy
standing on a beach came onto the screen. The guy was wearing only a
speedo and had a surf board tucked under one arm. A good looking dark
haired guy was approaching him from across the beach, also dressed in
a speedo.
     Dawson flew off the bed, all thoughts of his hardon leaving his
mind. "Hey. Nice day isn't it?" the dark haired guy asked on the
screen. "Yeah. You know, this is a nude beach. We really don't need
to wear these tight-" the blonde started to respond, but Dawson hit
stop and the picture faded from the screen.
     Pacey remained frozen, staring at the black screen. He knew he
had to say something, anything. "What was that?" he finally asked.
How could he have been so stupid! In his haste to hide his erection
from Dawson, he'd grabbed a porn movie from Dawson's collection! And
not just a porn movie, but a gay porn movie!
     Dawson turned slowly around, his mind reeling. "Um, well. It..
it was an adult video actually," he stuttered, blushing. He waited
for the obvious question, the one he'd been dreading for years and
hoping to avoid - are you gay?
     "Oh. Sorry, I thought I grabbed Scream. They must have been next
to each other," Pacey laughed, doing his best to make everything seem
normal.
     Dawson felt a rush of relief. Maybe Pacey assumed that it was
straight porn and that the women just hadn't been in the few seconds
he'd seen.
     The two of them continued to stare at each other, neither saying
a word. 'I want him so much,' Pacey thought. 'Maybe if I just told
him right now, I could be with him. What's stopping me?'
     Pacey opened his mouth to speak and Dawson held his breath,
wondering if the dreaded question was about to be asked. Before Pacey
could say anything, a knock sounded on the door.
     "Dawson? Oh, hi. Hey Pacey. Sorry to interrupt," Jack smiled as
he came through the door. He looked from Dawson to Pacey curiously.
"I know you guys had plans and all, but I was feeling kind of bored.
Do you mind if I join you?"
     "No!" Dawson and Pacey both said quickly. Jack smiled and sat
next to Pacey on the bed. Dawson quickly removed the tape from the
VCR and retrieved Scream from his collection. He sat back down on the
bed, next to Jack and pushed play.
     'My God, I almost told Dawson about my feelings for him! If Jack
hadn't come in... What was I thinking??' Pacey wondered in horror as
the movie started.
     Jack casually glanced at both guys several times during the
movie. He knew he'd interrupted something, but he wasn't sure what.
He
was glad he had, though. Jack was more convinced than ever that Pacey
had feelings for Dawson. And he knew he couldn't let Dawson find that
out. If he did, Jack would lose him.

 ####I hope you liked it. Please keep sending suggestions about the
direction you think the story should take! I really appreciate it.
Write to denvercarrington@hotmail.com