Date: Sun, 12 Aug 2007 12:09:43 -0700 (PDT)
From: Mark <rahvin747@yahoo.com>
Subject: Facing Faris - chapter 3

Disclaimer : This is a fiction story and is not meant to imply anything
about the sexuality of Sean Faris.

*********************************************************************

Ryan woke up the next day in a very bad mood. He'd spent most of the
previous night dreaming about Sean, but the images which passed through his
mind were fragmented and eerie. He'd have brief glimpses of Sean laughing,
and even in his dreams he felt his heart surge at the sight of that
smile. Shortly afterwards he'd imagine Sean sliding down the wall and
weeping in anguish, and pain would slice through his chest like a cold
knife. It came as no surprise that when he woke up he felt as tired as when
he'd fallen asleep, and his eyes could ignite a fire for all the rage that
was in them. It just wasn't fair. Sean was the one with the problems, not
him. He had his own problems under control, yet here he was trapped in
sleepless nights and worried to the point of being dysfunctional.

"Asshole," he said, while climbing out of his bed, but he wasn't sure if
the comment was for himself or Sean.

He slowly made his way to the windows of his apartment, and wiped his face
to erase the last traces of half-sleep which lay on his mind. He surveyed
the city, and watched the sun rising slowly over the horizon. The wind was
crisp, and every few seconds, a small gust of wind would blow through the
window and lick his shirtless body. He thought about Sean. He always
thought about Sean. All reminisces of his job offer were being heavily
suppressed by the conflicted guy whom Ryan thought he loved.  Whenever he
thought about Sean, he thought about holding him close and breathing hard
against him. Just to feel their chests touch would be enough for him, to
feel Sean's cheek rub against his and feel Sean's warm breath against his
ear. He wanted it so badly, but at the same time, he was very angry with
Sean. How could the guy be in two minds about this at his age? Hadn't he
sorted his feelings out when he was a teenager? Ryan had never been so open
with another guy. He'd never remotely told a guy he thought about him, and
on his first serious attempt, it had rebounded heavily in his face. He
wasn't angry with the rejection because he knew it wasn't that at all. He
knew that Sean wanted him. It was like watching someone stare at a diamond
all day long and when confronted, watch them deny they even like the thing!
He didn't have time for that sort of attitude, but every time he thought
about expanding on that idea - the idea to abandon this whole business and
leave Sean out of his life - he found something in his mind applying
furious brakes to his thoughts. He didn't need to wonder why. He was being
a bastard. Sean was in pain, and all Ryan was doing was thinking of his own
feelings and his own lust for a relationship.

"First help him if you care for him," he said to himself, and his eyes
widened slightly when he realised what he'd said. It was as if some divine
being had spoken through his mouth. It wasn't something he would easily
have said, but perhaps his subconscious was trying to bitch slap him and
make him screw on his head straight.

He didn't know how to approach the situation, though. Sean was at a
vulnerable time in his life, possibly the most vulnerable he'd ever
been. He was acting erratically.  Irrationally. He'd tried the quiet
seductive approach only to see Sean stare at him hungrily but without
results. He'd then tried the aggressive approach, but it had descended on
Sean like an avalanche and he'd rebounded like a classical hero in the
throes of rage. He knew that Sean was not to be trifled with. Sean was a
powerful guy, and it seemed that instinct dominated his extremely potent
personality. Yet his instinct had done what it had thought was impossible -
it had found an area of conflict with his values, with what he had been
taught, and Sean wasn't ready for it, and wasn't experienced in dealing
with it. In other words, anything could happen. He knew that Sean probably
spent most nights thinking about him, thinking about ways to fuck him hard
and jerking off at the thought of it, but when it came to the crunch, Sean
was struggling to break down that final barrier. He shook his head as he
walked to the shower and started to strip. He could only imagine the
torment the guy was feeling.

He climbed into the shower and started to wash himself. For almost an hour
he stood right under the water and enjoyed the refreshing feel as the water
rushed over his body. It was a good distraction to pull him away from his
own internal strife. What to do... what to do. Instinct told him not to
call Sean and that Sean would eventually come back when he was ready, but
emotionally he felt that his was cruel, almost as if he expected the guy to
find his own way in the dark. Yet perhaps that was what the guy
needed. Didn't he need to figure out for himself that he was in fact, gay?

"You need to figure this one out yourself, buddy," he said softly and his
hand turned off the water. The cold air on his skin made him aware of his
words and they felt right. He would support Sean as much as he could, even
though he already sensed a great deal of pain heading his way during that
excruciating process. What he would not do is seek out Sean and remove the
guy's responsibility of working out his own feelings and how he would act
upon them.

Later that day he was watching TV, all the while staring at the programs
indifferently.  His mind wandered to the obvious target, when suddenly his
cell phone rang and he jumped with surprise. Approaching his phone
hesitantly, he was sure it would be Sean - but after half a day he didn't
have the slightest idea what to say to the guy.

"You idiot! You didn't prepare for this!" he shouted to himself furiously.

There was no option but to answer the phone. Not answering was out of the
question.  "Hello?" he said, almost warily.

"Hi Ryan," said a familiar voice, but not Sean's. His heart sank but at the
same time he felt relief that he hadn't been caught unaware. "This is Dave
from..."

"Hey Dave," Ryan interrupted. "Sure I remember you. I've been waiting for
you guys to call all week. Have you reached a decision?"

At that moment his heart started to bound against his ribs. He realised
that this was a pivotal moment. It could set him back a few years or
accelerate him to success.

"I'm glad to say we have," Dave said cheerily.

He thought his heart would stop. He couldn't speak. Dave seemed to
acknowledge the silence and he gave a small chuckle. "You were by far the
best presenter we had.  We'd like to offer you the contract for a minimum
of five years."

Ryan gave a cough. Five years? That far exceeded his expectations of an
eighteen month trial period! "That's great!" he said enthusiastically.

Triumphantly he clenched his fist and performed a quick victory dance in
his lounge, all the while trying to maintain a conversation with
Dave. After a few brief details he managed to get rid of Dave and he leaped
for the sky. "Yes!" he shouted.

Landing on his feet, he decided to head down to Becky to share the news
with her. He was smiling widely, but by the time he'd reached the door, he
felt his smile slip. It would have been so great to share this with
someone. He thought of Sean, and at the same moment his eyes passed over
the picture of his parents, their smiling faces having the opposite effect
on him. As he closed his apartment door, his face was already solemn and he
felt an illogical tide of grief wash over him. What was the point of
achieving anything if you couldn't share it with someone? Grief and white-
hot anger flared in stages as he thought of Sean. Fuck him for ruining this
moment!  Fuck his indecision! He felt like punching him, but he also knew
that his anger at Sean would vanish the instant Sean showed his face. It
was that infuriating effect called love. How he hated it. With an angry
mutter he strode down the steps, and passed a kind old lady. His angry
grimace made her stand back and gasp, but he didn't care. He'd been alone
for so long, and suddenly this guy comes to screw everything up in the very
same week as he was presented with the career breakthrough of his life.

He stepped into Becky's and tried to erase his cold demeanour, but it
wasn't easy.

"Hey Ryan," she said dreamily and focussed hungrily on him for a moment.

"Hey Becky. Just the usual please," he said with exhaustion.

"Okay," she said, as if she didn't notice his apathy. "That guy you had
coffee with the other day was in here earlier asking if you had been
around. I told him you hadn't."

Ryan snorted rudely. Sean knew where he lived. What was the deal with him
trying to find out whether he'd been here for breakfast? If he'd taken a
few more steps he could have rung his doorbell and come up. "Thanks
Becky. I'll just go sit there today," he said, pointing to the
window. Standing, he took his breakfast and moved over to the street-side
view with a newspaper he'd collected on the way in. He felt down because
he'd wanted to hug Sean and share the great moment with him, but it had all
gone downhill.

He looked to his left and saw that Becky was looming over him, her face
serious.  He'd never seen her serious with him before. She sat without
asking and reached out to hold his hand. He thought about pulling back but
he didn't know her like this, and didn't want to risk her wrath.

"What's wrong, Ryan?" she said with concern, and he could see she was
anguished for him.

He looked down and couldn't bare to meet her gaze. "It's nothing, Becky. I
got that job I was telling you about but I just don't, you know, have
anyone special to share it with." He half-regretted saying this, and he
immediately prayed that she wouldn't see this as a weak attempt to ask her
out. Women were weird that way.

"Ryan, look at me," she said, and her hand clenched his when he didn't obey
the first time. He looked into her eyes which were piercing and wise, such
a change from the apparently nonchalant and carefree waitress who worked in
this place.

"Yeah?" he said like a whiney child.

"Ryan, I know you're gay," she said straight out and he felt shock crash in
on him like a hammer. He tried to open his mouth to say something but she
held her hand up and stopped him in his tracks. "Don't treat me like an
idiot," she said.

His gaze dropped and he settled for listening. He'd never felt so
humiliated in his life.  He felt like a child being shouted at by his
mother, and like the toddler, he felt devoid of strength, devoid of the
will to stand up and fight back.

"I knew a few days after meeting you. You were a difficult one but when I
realised you didn't like me at all, I kind of figured it out," she said
with a smile. It was a preposterously vain statement, but he looked at her
sheepishly and appreciated for the first time that she was extremely good
looking. No straight guy would pass that up.

"But the flirting..." he said with a soft voice, and his voice broke like a
teenager.

"Oh the flirting was just for fun," she said with a wry grin and a
dismissive wave of her hand. "I knew nothing would come of it, especially
with a gay guy. And you're a fine work of art, and I didn't mind toying
with the menu, especially when it walked so freely into my lair." She
laughed at the expression on his face, and he found himself laughing
against his own will.

An instant later she'd settled down and her face was serious and thoughtful
again. "I know you like Sean, and trust me, that boy likes you. He wants to
have his way with you, bad." She looked into the distance, but a smug look
covered her face. Ryan felt affronted, but he also felt relieved that
someone could say what he was thinking.

"Unfortunately both of you are assholes," she said quickly, and ignored his
frown.  "You're playing hard to get and he's some sort of closet case on
the verge of cracking."

"I am NOT playing hard to get," he started off loudly before moderating his
voice.  The patrons returned to their coffee. "I literally threw myself at
him yesterday, Becky, and he hit me back. He actually hit me!"

"Oh I'm sure you want him as much as he wants you," she said, taking a sip
of his coffee. The woman had no shame. "But deep inside yourself you think
you're better than him because you're out and he isn't. You look down on
him like some sort of mental case who can't get his shit together. You're
selfish, and he could see it in your eyes. He could see your amusement at
his torment."

"I was never amused," he said gravely, and he felt hurt at her words. "I
really want him. I love him, really love him! But he's fucking playing
games. He wants to hang out with me, then he runs away, and fucking hell -
you even say that he's back today after punching me yesterday and crying. I
can't deal with this!" His tone was pleading, but her features didn't
soften.

"You can and you will," she said with iron resolve. He'd never seen this
side of her. It was frightening. "If you love him at all, you will remain
patient with him. You will help him with the transition you so conveniently
have forgotten you yourself went through. If you aren't ready for that,
then send him away today - and forever."

"I'm not up for that. I know you think I'm selfish..."

"Don't put words in my mouth," she said in a low dangerous whisper. "I
think you're probably the best of what can be found out there, and I have
the same feeling about him. I know you better than you know yourself, Ryan,
so don't dismiss me so easily."

"Sorry," he said ashamedly.

"You're both really into each other, but you're also both softer than you
admit.  You're not ready for the harsh world out there, but if you're there
for each other, there is nothing you two can't face." It was like a hero
speech, but he felt exhilaration at hearing it, and he was profoundly
touched that she could put so much passion into her voice.

"I don't even know where to begin!" he said with frustration, and he added
more sugar to his already sweet coffee. Becky had another sip and approved.

"Go on instinct. Stop being an intellectual and start using your heart. And
don't you dare force him like I'm sure you did. Did you like the way I
tactlessly jumped you today? I doubt it. So show a little respect to him,
okay?"

He was thinking of what to say but even as she finished she jumped up,
grabbed his face and kissed him deeply, before walking away. "So hot," she
said while taking his empty cup with her.

He smiled at her emptily and watched her walk away. Turning his head, he
stared out at the street and watched the people go by. He expected Sean to
suddenly appear in the window, but wondered whether this was part of his
selfish attitude - making Sean always run after him. Becky said many true
things. He didn't agree with all of them, but he knew she was just trying
to help and despite this, she'd read the situation expertly. He decided to
go and find Sean. Yes. That was his decision.

He stood up and headed for the door and winked at Becky kindly as he caught
her gaze. She smiled back at him encouragingly and waved. She was a true
friend and he was relieved to get the whole flirting stress off his chest,
even though it had never been anything anyway. Not that he knew that. He'd
barely walked half a mile when he saw the unmistakable godly form of Sean
walking his way. Disguised as usual, he appeared to be deep in thought and
the cap hanging over his head accentuated his concerned eyes as they
watched the sidewalk. His hair was untidier than usual, and he had a day's
stubble to deal with. This was at least the second time he was heading over
to this side of town. Shit, he must really be in the middle of something
difficult.

He raised his head slowly, and his eyes widened with shock as he saw Ryan
standing stationary a few paces in front of him. It looked like he'd been
punched in the stomach, and his mouth hung open in shock. His hands were
suddenly out of his pockets, and Ryan thought he was considering
fleeing. He walked up to him slowly.

"Ryan, I just wanted to say..." he started in rapid, almost incoherent
speech.

Ryan cut him off and grabbed him around the neck, like a school child being
led away by an irate headmaster. "Just follow me, dumbass," Ryan said, and
Sean shut up instantly. He looked at the ground and Ryan could see that his
breathing was heavy.  Sean was perfectly happy to have a scene in the
street among a crowd of busy people, but he certainly was not. Sean was
brainless in his messed up state, so Ryan took it upon himself to do the
thinking. He led him to his apartment, and during the silent stroll he
released his grip on Sean's neck and realised that Sean would tag along
silently without resistance.

He entered his apartment twenty minutes later and threw his keys down on to
the counter with a deep sigh. Throwing off his jacket, he turned to see
that his apartment was still empty.

"Sean!?" he said, trying to keep his temper, and Sean entered slowly, still
avoiding eye contact.

He walked up to the door and closed it behind Sean, who was all but
catatonic at the scene he now found himself in.

"Relax Sean," he said, and the guy seemed to obey slightly. Some tension
seemed to exit his shoulders and he took off his cap and ruffled his hair
in a vain attempt to restore some order to his untidy mop of black hair. He
looked sexy even in his dishevelled state, but Ryan pushed those thoughts
out of his head.

Ryan went over to his kitchen counter and leaned forward slightly on it to
watch Sean, who was now looking at him uneasily. "I like your place," Sean
said shakily.

Ryan sighed and shook his head. "What am I going to do with you?" It wasn't
even a real question. Ryan didn't know what he meant by it.

Sean's eyes widened when he heard the question, and Ryan wondered what
interpretation he'd found in the enquiry. He rushed forward and put his
hands on Ryan's shoulders and looked at him pleadingly. "Ryan, I'm so
sorry!" he said desperately, and he felt Sean's hands grasp his shoulders
painfully. "I'm so sorry! It's just that I can't deal with this! I've never
felt this way! I'm not ready! I want to but I can't! I want you out of my
mind but you keep coming back in! I hate this but I love it! I can't stand
it anymore!"

Sean's arms and mouth were shaking, and his breathing was heavy. He was
exhausted and his eyes almost seemed demented he was so anxious. Ryan was
temporarily taken back by this display. He'd never actually seen such a
blatant internal struggle in someone.

Sean continued unabated. "I'm trying... I really am. I want you as a
friend. I know you hate me. I've acted so badly. I want... I mean I
wish..."

Ryan pulled Sean towards him and hugged him tightly, and at once the
nonsensical tirade ceased. He hugged him supportively and said nothing. He
breathed into the nape of his neck. He heard Sean's rapid breathing slowly
start to return to normal, but Sean's heart was pounding against his chest.

"It's okay," he whispered in Sean's ear. "Don't explain anything."

Sean exhaled deeply through his nose and his hands tightened around Ryan's
back.  He gripped Ryan's shirt and he winced as Sean grasped at his skin,
pulling it painfully into his fists. His arms crushed Ryan and he was
forced to breathe with a little extra effort. Sean leaned his head into the
nape of Ryan's neck and exhaled. Sean sniffed a few times and Ryan could
feel the moisture on his neck as the tears ran down into his shirt. He
placed his hands underneath Sean's shirt and ran his hands up his back,
which caused him to hug Ryan even tighter. Sean ran his one hand through
Ryan's hair and down his neck, but he seemed to be pulling energy from the
embrace. It seemed to be strengthening him.

"I love you," Sean whispered in his ear almost imperceptibly.

"I love you too," he replied softly, and Sean exhaled with relief.

After standing there for at least ten minutes, Ryan led them over to the
couch where he lay down, and gestured for Sean to lie on him. The guy took
off his shoes and smiled, his eyes were still red and exhausted, but his
smile had changed, and a feeling of safety and relief was emanating from
him. Ryan groaned slightly as Sean lay on him. The increased weight took a
little adjusting. Sean's head rested on his chest and his hand stroked
Ryan's chest underneath his shirt. Sean's foot moved up and down Ryan's
leg, gently caressing it. Ryan merely stroked the back of Sean's head and
let his other hand hang off the couch.

"I'm here for you."

"I know," Sean said quietly into his chest. "I've always known. It's why I
came back each time."

Ryan couldn't help but smile to himself. "I'm sorry if I hurt you. I won't
do it again," Sean said.

"It's okay," Ryan said kindly. "But you will do it again. And again. It's
what this is all about. But try as you may, Faris, you'll never get rid of
me. It's you and me from now on."

Sean's hand gripped his chest again, and he flinched. Luckily Sean couldn't
see his face. The guy didn't know his own strength. Ryan became aware of a
pressure on his thigh and he looked up slightly. He could see Sean's pelvis
making small regular thrusting movements into his thigh, and his hard on
was relaying the message.

"Ryan?"

"Mmm?"

"I'm having ideas," Sean said simply.

Ryan felt his breath seize. Suddenly he was afraid of what he'd released
upon himself.  "Uh... show me?" he said, half-afraid, half-excited.

Sean's hand immediately exited his shirt and ripped it down the middle in
one movement. Ryan gasped, then laughed in shock. Oh shit!

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Thanks for any previous comments. Sorry for the delay between chapters, but
you know... real life and all ;) Comments can be sent to
rahvin747@yahoo.com