Date: Wed, 25 Jan 2006 01:52:25 +0100
From: jerichoholic #1 <beer4myhorses@hotmail.com>
Subject: Paul & Josh / chapter 13

DISCLAIMER: The following story is completely FICTIONAL
is does not imply anything concerning the private life of
Paul walker or Josh Hartnett. I don't know them and I
don't know anything about their lives. This story is only
meant as fiction and does in no way describe real
occurrences, situations or facts. All other persons
mentioned in this story are fictional. Any resemblance to
an existing person, company or business is totally
coincidental.

Author's note: Just want to stress again that this story
is complete fiction. In this chapter there's some talk
about their families and childhood. That's all made up
ok. I have no idea what their real lives look like so
please keep that in mind. For the rest: Enjoy chapter 12
and please let me know what you think ok?


Chapter 13:


"yes..." Paul confirmed. He paused for a few seconds but
then something dawned on him.

"How did you know?" he asked

...

Josh felt as if he had just taken a hit in the stomach.
He knew there was no way back now, the skeletons were
falling out of the closet. He knew it was only right,
after all Paul had told him about his past and the hurt
that lay therein. Now it was his turn, but he was quite
nervous not knowing how Paul would take what he was about
to tell him. He felt his stomach turn at the thought of
what might happen. Would Paul be able to understand? And
if he did, where would that leave them?

"I think we better go inside..." he said to Paul as he
stepped through the balcony door.

In the short time they had been outside a tension had
built between them. Paul immediately had picked up on
this and was, to say the least, confused about the sudden
change of atmosphere. Only a couple of minutes ago he had
feared for his life,...but now a whole other kind of fear
was hanging in the air. fear of the unknown? maybe.

Paul followed Josh inside.

"is everything all right?" He asked with a mix of concern
and confusion in his voice.

"no it isn't." Josh simply replied..."we need to talk, and
I think you'd better sit down for this."

Paul had a puzzled look on his face but did as Josh
suggested and sat down in the sofa. After a minute or two
Josh sat down himself, opposed to Paul. He looked him
briefly in the eyes but looked down almost immediately. A
heavy silence fell between the two boys. Josh was trying
to work up the courage to start talking, Paul on the
other hand was unsure about what was going on and didn't
feel like breaking the silence. After about ten minutes
Josh finally broke the silence:

"You know I've been acting a bit strange lately...?" he
asked, not really needing an answer.

"Yes?" Paul answered, not sure where this was going.

"I've been lying to you..." Josh continued with a restless
tone to his voice, "...I knew exactly what was wrong...I'm
sorry I lied to you, but I was afraid to admit it,...even
to myself."

Paul opened his mouth to say something but was almost
immediately cut of by Josh. "Please let me finish..." he
asked.

"You remember I mentioned Adam yesterday?" He asked
before continuing.

"Yes" Paul replied..."He was your friend that killed
himself over some guy who didn't love him back"

"He was..." Josh continued, "But I never told you the full
story..." He paused a few seconds as the memories came back
to him. "that `some guy'...was me" he said barely audible.

The silence that followed couldn't have been more
deafening. Paul was shocked by what he just heard. It
explained so much to him but all he could think about was
Josh. the boy was sitting in front of him. his head hang
low and his breathing had become heavier. Paul could see
the tears rolling from his eyes. It was obvious to him
Josh carried a lot of guilt with him about what had
happened to his friend. Paul couldn't even begin to
imagine the torment it must have put josh through.

Paul slowly walked over to where Josh was sitting and sat
down beside him. He put his arm around him in an attempt
to comfort Josh. Paul didn't say anything. What could he
have said? Josh didn't know where to go from here. He had
carried this secret for so long and now that is was
finally in the open he was in uncharted territory. He was
glad Paul was there with him. he felt Paul's arm around
him, a small gesture, but it meant a lot at that moment.
After a long uncomfortable silence Josh finally turned to
face Paul.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner...but I didn't know
how..."he spoke, "I'm sorry"

Paul looked Josh directly in the eyes as he answered,
"Don't feel bad about it" Paul slowly answered "I
understand you needed time before you could share this
with me...it doesn't bother me...so don't let it bother you"

Josh was relieved Paul took it this well. He truly was a
great guy.

"You think you are ready to tell me what happened?" Paul
asked, not sure if it was smart to push the subject this
quickly.

"I think I am..." Josh spoke softly, his voice not all that
convincing "It happened years ago when I was sixteen...I
was living with my aunt and uncle in Australia after my
father had been relocated to Germany...I was still in high
school...and Adam,...well he was my friend I guess..."

...

Josh let out a breath of relieve as soon as the bell
sounded. It was Friday afternoon and the week-end
couldn't start fast enough. the last our of algebra had
lasted for what seemed like a life-time. He quickly
grabbed his books together and hasted out of the
classroom. As he walked through the hallway of the school
he wished the classmates that he passed a nice week-end.
Once he had stepped outside he looked around, trying to
find his long-time friend and neighbour Adam, in the
chaos that was Friday afternoon. The scene in front of
the school-building resembled an ant-colony in some way.
It was a coming and going of cars and bikes as everybody
tried to get away as soon as possible. It wasn't really
clear to Josh  exactly where they were going because the
town offered little to nothing to it's teen population,
unless off course someone was crazy enough to actually
find some entertainment value in abandoned opal mines or
the red desert that surrounded them.

The town was like so many others in the Australian
inlands. It was built to house the men who'd work in the
mines not to far outside the town, but ever since the
mining industry had collapsed the desert was slowly
reclaiming it's territory. The school behind him had once
been the headquarters of the mining company. When they
pulled out years ago the town council had opted to put
the old building to use as a school.   The only thing
that distinguished this town from all the other was the
nearby army base that kept a little blood flowing through
the economic veins of the town. If it hadn't been for the
American air force there would have been little life left
here.

Josh was different in a way from most people he knew. The
town had two sorts of inhabitants: the ones that wanted
to get out and failed, and those select few that might
still have a small chance of something better. Josh
didn't feel he fitted into either one of those categories
since he had no desire whatsoever to leave. He felt
perfectly at home down there in the middle of nowhere.
People often thought he was joking or hesitant to share
his dreams with them, but the truth was, he had no
dreams. No dreams of escape that is, because he didn't
feel imprisoned like the others. He had seen a lot of the
world for his age and after all the chaos of constant
travel he had gone through as a child, he had come to the
conclusion that life is at it's best when it's the least
complicated. And life was simple there...that it was.

The crowed in front of the school had thinned down
considerably but there was still no sign of Adam. Josh
was starting to get a little worried. Adam usually
couldn't get out of there quick enough. Josh knew Adam
long enough to understand his tardiness promised little
good.He walked back in to the now almost deserted school
building. He walked passed the different lockers that
where placed against the wall as both sides of the
hallway. he thought it best to walk to Adams locker and
start looking there.

He found Adam sitting in front of his locker. The floor
around him was covered with scattered papers..., torn and
scrunched up. Adam was staring at them, not able to
comprehend what he was seeing. His eyes where burning red
as he was trying hard to fight back the tears that were
salting his eyes. Josh slowly approached his friend. He
picked up one of the papers and quickly read it...a soft
gasp escaped his mouth.

"Adam...is this...?" He tried to ask, but he was answered
even before he was able to finish his question.

"It is..." Adam answered, his voice hovering between anger
and defeat. "It's gone...they destroyed it...all my work...it's
gone.".

Josh knew what his friend was talking about. Ever since
he had known Adam, and probably even before that, the boy
had been writing. It had taken quite some time for Josh
to convince Adam to tell him what it was he was
constantly writing. After several months Adam had finally
let Josh read a few pages of the novel he was working on.
Josh had been surprised at the quality of what he had
read. It had all the promise of being a true literary
masterpiece. This came to no surprise actually since Adam
was exceptionally bright and intelligent for his age.
When he looked at you those eyes seemed to say "I know
something you don't...and I'm not going to tell you what it
is.". He was the best student in the school and the
potential in that boy was seemingly unlimited. This
unfortunately made him the object of a lot of envy. The
town was a rat trap and those who seemed likely to escape
it were marked.

Josh felt the anger build up inside of him. Over the
years he had witnessed a lot of  bullying: Adams bike had
been the subject of several sabotages...he had found Adam
beaten up, locked up in his locker,...But this was a new
low. This was just beyond comprehension. How could
people, and kids for that matter, be so cold-hearted?
Josh scanned the hall quickly until he found what he was
looking for. At the end of the hall, next to the paper
bin, where a couple of empty cardboard boxed stacked
together. He grabbed two of them and walked back to Adam.
Slowly he started picking up the shreds of paper.

"What are you doing?" Adam asked, not quite sure what his
pal was up to.

"Let's take all of this home..." Josh explain, "I'm sure we
can salvage most of it."

Adams expression seemed to brighten a bit when he heard
this. When he had found his manuscript ripped to pieces
he had felt like he was defeated. He was so shocked by
what he had found his mind couldn't even conceive the
notion of restoring his book. But now Josh had given him
an option. The book was damaged but it wasn't gone...maybe
it could be restored. The words and pages where still
there, scattered through the hallway, but still there
nevertheless.

It took them abut half an hour to collect all the papers,
but eventually Adam dropped the last page in the box. His
attitude had changed remarkably since Josh had found him.
The boy had a seemingly endless strength...and even though
he hated to be picked on, and was sometimes infuriated
with the way he was treated, defeatism wasn't one of his
character trademarks. His inner fortitude seemed almost
unshakeable.

After they had gathered everything together they walked
home. There wasn't much conversation during their walk as
both guys had very different things on their mind. It's
difficult to describe they state of mind Adam was in as
he walked slowly beside  his best friend. Life seemed so
surreal to him. It was as if the whole town and all the
people in it were nothing more than just another stretch
of desert wasteland. They didn't seem real, as if he were
an actor in a play and all it took for the illusion to
evaporate was the lowering of the curtain. There was no
connection with any of the people. Not in his school, not
in his neighbourhood and not in this town. But recently
things had changed. He couldn't understand why or how but
somehow life had returned to the dust bowl. He had been
feeling things never felt before...dreamed of  things he
had never cared for. This both frightened him to no
extent, and excited him just as much. Lately, when he had
looked at his friend now walking beside him,  there was
more than friendship he felt. It was as if he had found
something he didn't even know he lost.

...
"We spent  almost the entire evening puzzling that book
back together..." Josh continued "and we finally did. I
still remember the moment we put that last page back in
place...there was a look in his eyes..." He sighed briefly as
the memories fought their way out. "I should have know...I
should have know".

"Known what?" Paul asked. He had listened to Josh's every
word, and though it was difficult for him to understand
the context of it all, he could feel there was some
importance to all of this. He knew that to understand the
man he loved implied an understanding of the guilt and
pain that man had been carrying on his shoulders for so
long.

"I'll get to that..." Josh answered Paul's question, "But
do you mind if we step outside for a moment? I could
really use a smoke right now."

Paul agreed and both guys stepped outside onto the
balcony. Paul felt a little weirded out, almost expecting
the intruder to be standing there again. So many
questions ran through his mind as he lit his cigarette.
Who was that guy and why had he intruded on his
apartment? Burglary couldn't have been his motive since
he had plenty of opportunity to take whatever he wanted.
How did Josh's story relate to this? There didn't seem to
be any explanation at this point, but at least Josh was
finally talking, as hard as it must have been for him.

Josh was leaning on the railing, overlooking the skyline
as he reflected on the memories he had just shared with
Paul. It was rather strange. For years he had buried
these ghosts deep within his mind, trying to forget
them...and now finally releasing them actually felt
relieving. It seemed, after running for so long, the past
had finally caught up with him.

after they had smoked their cigarette they went back
inside. the story was far from finished and they both
knew it. After they had settled down in the sofa Paul
waited for Josh to pick up the story. it took him some
time, but he did:

...

Adam was different. It seemed he looked at the world as
if it were something he wasn't a part of...He was like a
drop of oil in the ocean. He flowed along with it's
current, surrounded by water, but never mixing with it.
He was at odds with the town and it's people. He had
ambition, a dangerous quality in a small-town. Ambition
frightens people. It forces them to confront their own
lack of it. That's why people were so hostile towards
him. He reminded them of their own inability to escape.

What was extraordinary was his ability to cope with all
this. It almost seemed as if he was not interested in
people. Not in this bogus "I don't care what anyone
thinks of me" sort of way. It was like he felt he was
watching animals in the zoo. They were on one side of the
fence he was on the other. their hatred hurt him,...no
doubt about that, but he took it like he was being stung
by a wasp...that's what they're supposed to do: they sting
you if you frighten them. he didn't want to be like this,
but he knew that was the effect he had on people. Josh
never was able to understand how he could look at himself
and the world that way...and probably never would...

Josh paused for a moment trying to string the memories
together into a somewhat coherent story before he
continued.

...

It was a couple of weeks after the book incident. Josh
had gone over to Adams house, just next door, to study
for a history exam. He had noticed something was wrong
the moment Adam had opened the door. His face was ghost-
white pale, contrasting strongly with the boys black
curls. He had asked what was wrong but his friend had
avoided answering that question the entire evening. As
they tried to go over their history course it became more
and more obvious to Josh something was definitely wrong
with Adam. His attention was shifting from one subject to
another and Josh got the impression Adam felt really
uncomfortable in his presence...something that had never
occurred before. This situation of avoiding each-other
played on for several hours before Josh finally decided
to push the matter forward.

"Look Adam, I know something is wrong..." he spoke in a
calm and gentle manner, "please tell me what's bothering
you". "It's not like you to be so avoiding towards me...did
I say or do anything to upset you?"

Adams lips formed a quick, nervous smile at the notion.
"No, It wasn't you..." he sighed, "you know...some say man
always creates his own monsters...if that's true my
monsters finally caught up with me."

"what are you talking about?" Josh asked, not
understanding the cryptic explanation.

"I know I'd be best for you to hear this from me..." Adam
continued, "but I don't know how to tell you this...and I
don't think you want to hear this...You know Josh, you're
about the only friend I have. I don't know how I could go
on like this if it wasn't for you. Everybody seems to be
out to get me, safe for you. Thanks for being my friend
man."

Josh didn't know what to say. It was obvious Adam was
very serious about this, more serious probably than he'd
ever been.

"That's why I'm terrified right now..." Adam went on "I
don't want to scare away the only friend I have...but so
little choice do I have."

"Whatever it is..." Josh tried to reassure his friend, "you
can tell me. I'll always be your friend."

Adam wanted so hard to believe Josh, but his doubts were
simply to overpowering. He took a deep breath before
deciding to take the leap...It had to be done, there were
no two ways about it.

"This afternoon..." he tried to begin, "This afternoon...I
finally worked up the guts to do something I never
thought I'd have the courage to do...For a while now I've
had romantic feelings towards some-one, feelings that
I've been trying to ignore for all this time. Today
however I decided to put it all on the line and tell that
some-one how I felt...I tried to do it in person, but I was
just too nervous and too scared...so I opted to write a
letter, and I did..."

He paused for a brief second trying to find the words to
continue.

"I've made some bad mistakes in my life" he continued "
but this one must rank at the top of the list."

"How so?" Josh asked.

"Because that letter was taken out of my back-pack by
Brandon, who had probably seen me write it during English
class" Adam explained.

Josh felt a sudden burst of anger go through his system.
He knew who Brandon was. A typical ,no-brain, no-
personality ***hole. He was probably the meanest towards
Adam and there was little doubt most of the pestering
towards Adam was his doing. He could see how this
situation could come back to haunt Adam, but he failed to
see how it could have upset his friend That much...Without
thinking about it he confronted him with his question.
The boy seemed to doubt whether or not to answer it, but
made up his mind quickly...

"well, you'll hear it sooner or later...maybe it's better
you hear it from me..." Adam said, it was unclear who he
was trying to convince, Josh or himself. The long pause
before he continued showed he wasn't really sure how to
progress..."The letter I wrote..." he finally continued,
"...was written...to a guy."

Those last words caught Josh completely off guard. He had
known Adam for years but the notion of him being gay had
never entered his mind. He had no idea how to react to
this. He wanted to let his friend know this didn't change
anything. That they were still friends. But he couldn't
immediately find the right words. He felt an enormous
pressure to say something but every response that came to
mind seemed even more ridiculous than the last. A very
uncomfortable silence follow. Adam was sitting behind his
desk staring out the window. His heart was pounding in
his troth. There was no turning back now...he was balancing
on a loose rope, unsure whether he was going to fall or
not.

almost inaudible he whispered:... "That guy...is you".

...

"looking back on it...it was probably one of the turning
points in my life." Josh explained to Paul, "my best
friend had just told me he was gay...and more importantly
had feelings for me."

"how did you react to that?" Paul asked. he had been
listening to every word Josh had said to him. It was
almost as if he saw it happen with his own eyes, as if
the movie was run before his eyes.

"How could I react?..." Josh asked, "I wasn't ready for
that...I couldn't be ready for that...I had no idea he felt
that way...and I had no idea how I felt about it...I didn't
know I was gay myself. Now that I do know I'm gay it
makes me feel even more guilty about it."

"About what?..." Paul asked.

...

Adams words had hit Josh like a sledgehammer. He was
completely dumbfounded by what he had just learned. It
was as if he had just heard an explosion, disorientated
by the blast and unable to grasp what was happening. Too
many questions stormed his brain at the same time.

"please say something..." Adam pleaded, unable to bear the
silence that had fallen over the room.

"You  have feelings for me?" Josh asked, trying to
comprehend what his friend had just revealed to him.

"I do...I'm sorry...please don't hate me for it" Adam
answered. Tears were rolling from his eyes. His heart was
in the open. he had never felt more vulnerable in his
entire life and even though Josh was his best friend his
was terrified, not knowing how he would take it.

"I don't hate you...I would never...But I don't..." Josh tried
so hard to say something, to comfort his friend, to
assure him everything would be all right; but the words
just wouldn't leave his mouth. He was confused, maybe
even a little scared. "I can't...I don't know how..." He
stammered. He felt a heavy weight on his shoulders. the
pressure to say something made it impossible to do just
that. He felt as if his breath was cut off.

"I need to go..." He stammered, "I'll talk to you
tomorrow...". Josh made a hastily exit...not able to deal
with the confrontation.

Adam felt as if a dagger cut straight through his heart.

"Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio; a fellow of
infinite jest, of most excellent fancy." he mumbled as he
heard the front door close. The hurt that overcame him
was as dark and negative as the night itself. Pain was
all he felt, a blinding pain soaring through his nerves.

...

~ to be continued ~

sorry it took me so long to catch up with this story. I
hope this chapter wasn't too serious, but I feel it was a
part of the story that couldn't be rushed. I hope some of
you enjoyed it. If you want to let me know what you
think. I do enjoy to hear from the people who read my
story. beer4myhorses@hotmail.com

thx 4 waiting.