Date: Thu, 15 Jan 2004 13:05:12 EST
From: J
Subject: PETER PAN 18

Chapter 18: HOME WHERE I WANTED TO BE


There was snow on the window sill.

A baby named Peter. A mother. A blue room at night. Dark night. Cloudy
sky.

I tried to hug her, hug him but I passed through them again. Whatever the
time thing did to me, it made me insubstantial. I guess in that way I
couldn't change time at all. It was frustrating. So this was Peter Pan as
a baby, was it? I got a good look at him. I noticed. I looked. I fawned.
It was a beautiful boy baby to be sure but...but somehow I knew. It
wasn't Peter Pan. There he is! At the window!
His head cocked in an ununderstanding way. He couldn't register that the
window was shut, barred, locked, iron bars, and that another baby was in
his place. WITH HIS NAME! He remained that way for a time. I stared. I
didn't know what to do.

Banging. Yelling. For me? "Mother! Mother! Mother, open this up! Lemme
in, you! Open up, you! Mom!!!!!Mother! Ma! Mommy!"

It was Peter but at an earlier time. So this wasn't The Peter I knew. It
was before Peter met me, before he met Maimie, before he met Wendy. I
once read that Peter Pan tried to go home to his mother and he did go
home. He got into the bedroom and admired her, sang to her, comforted her
in her grief over her loss of him. And he made up his mind to stay with
her. Only he wanted to say goodbye to his fairy friends and other friends
in the Kensington Gardens and perhaps in NeverLand. Queen Mab of the
fairies told him they could not open the door for him but Peter knew the
window would always be open. He left to say goodbye to all and to have a
few rides in his nest boat and other things. Then he came back...this was
then.

"Mother open the window it is I, your Peter. Please...." Peter railed
against the bars. He put his hands on the bars and pushed up but nothing
moved. The bars stayed down.

I knew if I let Peter in, that he would stay here. Be a human. Grow old.
Die. Be a man. Never be the boy who didn't want to grow up, who wouldn't
grow up. Never meet me. Never meet me! ME! He would never meet me. I
looked downcast and then put my eyes to the ground. I was being selfish.
Much as Peter himself would be. Or would he? He let Wendy stay with her
mother, much as he had the power to fool her into staying with him. He
could have forced the Lost Boys to stay with him. But he hadn't. Was he
as selfish and heartless as everyone thought? I knew what I must try. I
went to the window and looked at the latch. I reached out for it and my
hand passed through to touch his hand outside. He didn't feel it. He kept
on banging on the window. He had started a few seconds ago. Banging. His
mother passed through me and looked out it into the sky. "My dear Peter,
the first, where are you now? My new son will not follow you. I have to
keep him in."

Peter had to have heard this but maybe in his frenzy he did not. Or maybe
he did and forget she said it. For he once believed that she would always
keep the window open for him to fly back. Now he was here with another in
his place and to make insult to injury, the boy had his name. "No!" I
passed through her but she turned and retreated from the window back to
the baby bassinet. He moved to the latch and felt it. I FELT IT THIS
TIME. I made effort and concentrated. I moved the latch. I had to slide
the window up. Peter would get in this time. I'd change time, change his
life. I looked up. I came face to face with Peter's beautiful visage,
staring in at me. Staring right through me. Tears. Crying. He always
seemed to be crying lately. I went wide eyed. I had to get him in. This
was the event that made him the way he was. Made him seem cruel and
heartless and...I concentrated. Like Patrick Swayze in GHOST---I saw
him---I saw this GHOST---and he gave me power. I moved the latch and now
I moved the window a peep. Peter had his head down and floated away.
"Come back! Fuck! Come back here, Peter Pan!!!!" I yelled and the
scream made the window shut down again. "Shit!" 

That Time Guardian thing again. "Cannot! Cannot change time!"

I was crying now. "Not even for a baby who wants his mother!!??? You
piece of shit!" I yelled but found myself feet first out the window,
passing right through it without harm, and into the circles again, both
of them, one foot each. Great, now I'll be split in time maybe?

Before that last suckage, I put both hands against the window and pushed
up. "NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNaaahhhhhhhhgargh!" The bars stayed down and the
window went up. "The bars are not part of the window!" Then I was gone.
Sucked through the time vortex.

Now I didn't know this then but Peter flew up to the Time Guard, having
been whisked to a different time and space, actually the present. Before
the circular thing could vanish, Peter whisked to it and made a deal. I
was brought to it. Asked, "This is what you want?"

"Me? If it's what you want."

Suddenly, I was back in my life. My real life. The one I hated. When it
hit me, I was in a faculty meeting listening to a boring speech about
stupid state assessment tests that our students were being forced to
take. The principal was talking but I wasn't listening to it all. It was
that these tests reflected our students' progress and the newspapers
would report which schools were on top and which weren't. None of it
affected me because all my students, or most of them, would fail the
assessment tests. Yeah, my job was important and my students needed me. I
had friends and family who loved me, co workers who cared about me and
students who some of them connected with me. It didn't matter much. I
still felt empty. I was loved but it wasn't the same love I had had. That
one that loved me.

En route to the faculty meeting, I passed the library and a huge screen
was set up in there for news and other films being shown to faculty and
students at different times. I went in. On the screen were movie
previews. I saw him. Interview. A frosted blond headed boy. Something
flashed in my mind. It was him. Him him. Peter? Jeremy? He was talking.
Slight lisp which made him even cuter to me. Talking about tongue down
his co stars mouth in kissing scene. Cor, he was hot. Even in full
clothing. Sitting or almost as he was very hyper. Then I knew that while
this brought back some memories of my adventures in Never Never Land, it
also made me realize that those adventures were all just a dream, a
fantasy, a daytime daydream, a fake. Peter wasn't real. He was just a
myth, a character in a book, a play, a novel, a cartoon from Disney that
failed to capture the real him, and a great TV show on FOX, a 65 part
series that totally captured his character and vast adventures.

The way my mind reasoned was this: somehow JM Barrie dreamed this. Later
on I would quickly adjust this to: JM Barrie must have been taken by
Peter at one point and somehow he wrote up his adventures in the book and
play, replacing it with the very real Wendy, who must have been with
Peter BEFORE Barrie was taken. Barrie merely put Wendy and Peter's stuff
in the present, MY past. It made my head spin but now in the old mundane
life, my being in my forties again and not 11, I, well, I thought it all
a figment of Barrie's imagination. I guess Barrie was embarrassed putting
himself in the story so he didn't. I mean if Peter did the same thing to
him, turning him into a young boy of 11 or even younger (I sorta picture
Barrie as a 9 year old), Barrie might have wanted that kept hidden. I
realized that in no version Barrie wrote, could Peter do that power on
someone. Maybe. The Lost Boys didn't seem to grow up very fast, some did
though and Peter either brought them home or "Trimmmed down their
numbers". Whatever that meant. I didn't want to know. I know Peter killed
at least one of them, one that he said went mad. I hoped that was the
case or rather I hoped Peter didn't kill him for some other reason. No,
he wouldn't.

Anyway, Peter was just a memory. Deep in my mind, in my heart as I sat in
the old boring, empty life. "I believe."

"What?" The principal, a man my own age, turned to my seat. We were
sitting at a bunch of round tables that scattered across the room, some
behind him and some in front.

"I believe." I wasn't talking to him. "I do, I do. I believe."

Oliver. Lost boy lost to death. I remembered him like he was my own son.
Cause he was.

Jennie. Mute. More communicative than most people, certainly the most
Lost Boy who spoke truth and faith.

Dear Landen, so looked like Jonathan Brandis, the real actor who Peter
must have taken to Heaven itself.

The fairy boy. Kickai. Hook. Lucius the gladiator ruler. The pirates. A
merboy who loved me. The croc. Time Guard.

"I said I believe," I said it at least one hundred more times, maybe
more. Well now I can tell you that my colleagues and bosses were ready to
put me out of my job, not all but most. Or worse: I was going to be taken
away to an insane asylum. No one even those who also believed, could
vouch for me. They all thought I was crazy and perhaps I was. "I believe,
I do, I do. I believe."

"In what?" Another teacher asked me.

"In Peter Pan who else? I believe."

"I believe too," a female teacher said. She had long blond hair.

"Oh that, of course, I believe too," said a 65 year old ready to retire
math teacher.

"Me too," a heavy set female math teacher said.

"I do too."

"And I!"

"I believe!"

"I believe!" I stood up and made for the door, no one dared block me,
even the large sized male teachers who thought of themselves as macho and
real he-men, (they didn't say I believe I noted, although one or two may
have after I left the room). I opened the door as the principal lost
control of the meeting which became a huge "I BELIEVE" conference and a
chat about Peter Pan and how he made one feel young inside and reaffirmed
their adult lives.

"I believe!" I felt energized and angry at the same time. I was
determined not to lose him again. Or again. I ran down a huge hallway.
Now this hallway spanned the entire length of the school. The school was
strangely built. It was four or five buildings in one. To the right of
the hallway was a giant open vestibule and this lead to steps down to the
front of the building. The ground outside on the right was slanted upward
to the left side so that one could come up the steps from that level and
on the left side they would still see ground. The left side had flat
ground outside too so that this level seemed like a floor ground level
yet it was raised above the right side, which was lower but also seemed
like the ground level. It was confusing. So this floor seemed to be up in
the air but also on the ground. Sorta like me at the moment. I ran and
yelled, "I believe!"

You see Peter's deal was that he would go back to being the time
unchanged Peter if the time guard put me back to my right age (forties)
and the right time, the time I was taken from. I was placed back to the
very spot Peter showed up and then Peter didn't. I was changed. Yet my
memory, which I prided on in Neverland, having such a good memory there
of my old life, was wiped somewhat---I know knew it but as a vague subtle
dream, a haze. It wasn't supposed to remain but not even the combined
power of Peter and the Time Guard could wipe away my love for the little
man...uh, little boy named Peter Pan. No little boy, he was more like a
15 year old now. Anyway, I ran down the hallway, knowing Peter could not,
would not go back to being the unfeeling, cold hearted being he was
before he met me. And even then, he was not that way. He just thrust it
(thrust, uh) deep into his psyche so he would not be hurt by his mother,
or Wendy or anyone else that he could love or that might have loved him.
But none loved him as much as I. I knew that he would come.

He wasn't going to come. "Go!" Landen yelled at him. "You know you want
to!"

"No, I won't!" Peter folded his arms.

Jen hung on his thick leg and pulled, pleading with his eyes up at Peter,
who looked briefly and looked away. He didn't want to be entranced by the
soulful eyes of the mute boy. But he already had been. The other boys
gathered round. Chanting, "He believes!" And "GO!"

Peter piped on his flute, his pipes, and sat down indignant. "No, I
won't!" He chanted, "Hell no, I won't go!" 

The boy persisted. Then they all heard my voice, "PETER PAN! COME AND GET
ME! I DARE YOU TO! I DARE YOU TO COME AND GET ME! I LOVE YOU! I BELIEVE
IN YOU AND IN LOVE! PETER! YOU COME RIGHT NOW, YOU!"

Peter stood up and looked up. Water came out of his eyes. He rose up fast
and the boys hardly saw which exit he took. They cheered.

I was running down the hallway, and ran and ran. It was a long hallway.
It felt like slow motion. Something swooped over my head. I was running
toward him I thought but in fact, I was running away from him for he was
above me. This hardly mattered to Peter, for his flying was very fast. He
swooped overhead and past me, his toes brushing my hair. I didn't mind,
for his toes were like candy canes, dirty as they were. He did this
purposely. He flew in front of me and grabbed my shoulders. He planted a
big wet kiss on my mouth and threw in his tongue just as Jeremy had done
to Rachel as he said in the interview. I grew hard but I also had so many
mixed feelings. After seeing Jeremy in normal clothing on the TV screen
in the library, I was so happy and joyed to see Peter's leaves of green
and some brown, and mostly skin bare flesh. Yet I was angry. I pulled
back and slapped Peter heavily across the right side of his face. I
shocked myself and looked back at him. He looked at me and felt his red
cheek. "You....you hit me?"

It didn't get the result I wanted. I wanted to floor him. I did. I
punched him with a left hook across (HOOK?) his left jaw. He fell onto
his back and held both cheeks. He looked up hurt, at me. He was shocked.
"You bastard!"

"What? What's bast?"

"You fucker! You put me back in this horrid life! Snow shoveling and cars
and machines that don't work and no adventures!"

Peter stood on his knees now, "You...hit...me...." He bent up ward to
his feet and took out his knife and stuck it at my belly.

I was in my Neverland outfit and was already 11 years old in my body
again. I felt the knife in my navel. I didn't care. "Oh go ahead and stab
me! You won't! You love me and I love you! Get that into that thick never
grow old skull of yours, you frosted haired, stupid little deceitful
boy!"

Peter's face showed rage and red all over, "NO ONE TALKS TO ME LIKE
THAT!!!! NO ONE!"

I moved at him again and the knife bit some flesh in my navel and this
time I hugged him. "You don't know my heart!" He dropped his knife. He
was limp in my arms. He didn't know what to do.

"You wanted to come back to try this."

"Only I didn't. I did but only if you were with me and did it too!"

"I want to always be a..."

"I know that! I know that now! I just thought maybe you'd try it. I
didn't want to without you!"

"I..."

"Tricked me and used that circle faced thing to send me back here to a
death without you! I want to go home!"

"That's why I left you here!"

"Not that home! Neverland, that's my home!" I yelled at him.

"No, I can't take you with me!" Peter pushed away.

"What? You came here! For me and that's what you came here for! To take
me back with you!"

"No, I can't do it!!!!"

"Yes you can!" She appeared. Wendy. "You can."

Peter looked at her and I turned. "Wendy!" I said.

"You're here!" Peter grabbed my shoulders from behind and put me infront
of him like Wendy would hurt him. She had. Without realizing it. Or
wanting to or something.

"He is willing to do what I wasn't. Peter, I'm sorry I had to grow up, to
leave you. It...it was my destiny...but here you have someone who loves
you and no matter what he will stay with you. He puts you first and
you...."

"Wendy, I must always, want to always..."

"I know that Peter, now. You want to always be a boy and have fun. You
will, only here is someone who loves you so much that he will..."

I looked down. Peter moved me out of the way to confront Wendy. "You left
me!"

"I did but he won't."

A hall monitor, a teacher's aide, was at a desk in the vestibule. She
leaned back from it and looked at me talking and fighting with what she
saw as no one. A ghost and an inbetweener boy who was half human and
half....what? She shook her head.

"I know his heart!"

"No, Peter," Wendy laughed, "I do. I do. I believe in him as much as he
believes in you. So should you."

"Me? I didn't believe?"

"No, Peter," Wendy said and then looked up, "Now I must go. I have many
things to do."

"Are you happy?" Peter asked her, tears sliding down his face.

"Very, Peter. And don't worry. I shall see you both soon."

I looked up, from my embarrassment, "Does that mean? Does that mean that
we, I...am going to die?"

"You both are. But not for a very, very very long long time from now.
Probably just before or after this Earth does....you will have a long
time together and even after that you will always be together...as far as
I can tell. Don't fret over this....you shall both be very happy but..."
Wendy looked up, "I'm not allowed to tell you more. I have to go." And
with that she was gone. Peter stood in the spot she was in. He was
sobbing.

"I know you loved her." I came to face him and he turned away.
"Don't..."

"I know you loved her," Peter repeated.

"But in time maybe..."

"I love you more!" Peter whipped around and tugged me close to him. "I
don't care what kind of a deal I made with the circle thing. I'm going to
take you back and I'm going to keep my feelings!"

"But how? That thing stopped us many times before."

Peter smiled, and floated upward, "Just take hold of my ankles. Both
hands," he raised an eyebrow and his muscled arms were up, his hands
behind his head as he floated back down. I did as he said. "This time
I'll fly so fast no one will...by the way if you lose your ability to
breath, don't worry, it'll be back before you know it. Once we are in
Neverland, you'll be able to breath again. I'm going to go so fast that
we will be there before 30 seconds are up."

"Great," I said, "No breathing." I was sarcastic. "But that thing is
able to stop us no matter..."

Peter took off out of a door which blew open for him, not locked, "HE'LL
HAVE TO CATCH ME FIRST!" He laughed and a brilliant color scheme hit all
around us. I held on for dear life and the sounds I made were the air
rushing out of me. 

Soon we were in Neverland and I was so so so happy. He was on top of me
and I was sucking air. He kneed me in the balls. "Don't ever hit me
again!" He got up and walked off.

I made great effort and stood, "I will if you deserve it!"

Peter turned. Flew at me in a rage and covered my mouth. "I'm sorry!" He
put his hand over my crotch and healed, taking the pain away from me.

"You're schizo!" I yelled.

Peter put me on my back, more gently this time. He thrust into me, "I
don't know what that means but if it means I love you, schizo right back
at you!"

There followed this time a long time of peace and calm and quiet, quite
an adventure in itself in Neverland but there were even greater enemies
than the Time Guard, Hook, or Kickai that were eyeing us. Peter's demonic
black magic move signaled them to our existence and they were even then
targeting us for their own evil plans...

A knife remained in the hallway...

The play Peter Pan and its characters are trademarks of and copyright
J.M. Barrie