Date: Thu, 19 Feb 2004 22:34:30 EST
From: J
Subject: PETER PAN AND ME  25

CHAPTER 25: THE FUNERAL OF PETER PAN

"I want him to remember. I want him to hurt. I want him to forget in
time. But to remember some and then to hurt and then forget you ever
existed. Die. Die and die again. And he will die too. Not by my hand, for
with him I am not allowed to do that that way. But you are gone! For
good! Suffer as I suffered!"

Me? Great in a crisis aren't I? I mean my best friend, my love of my life
is there before me, cold as ice, dead as a door nail, and all those other
cliches and all I could do was stand there for, well, like minutes. To be
fair on myself I was just recalling that he was a real person. A real
human being but oh, so much more. At least to me. I mean I always knew he
could get killed. The real tragedy of this was that I thought, at this
time, that he had died in some stupid fool adventure of his. Some fight
with a rogue pirate or Indian or Viking or something stupid like that.
But he did it...I know now, he did to...why did he do it? My memory is
still not clear. Save me? Sacrifice? Now you have to understand, Peter
saved people all the time: Tiger Lily, John, Michael, he even saved Smee
once or twice. But he never really did it because it was a sacrifice.
Most of the time it was about him and his fun. It was always about him
and what he wanted. Look at me. He's lying here dead and I'm speaking ill
of him. Shocked into stillness. Eyes unblinking. Him and me. It was all
so quiet. Things were never quiet with him around. It was rumored that
even when Hook was alive, when Peter was off the island, things were
never as vicious or bloodthirsty as when Peter was on the island. The
island reacted not as I would have expected. Instead of getting darker
and being plunged into eternal unrest and splitting apart, it was
reacting as if the heavens were opening up and granting it immunity for
unrest. This time, Peter died for someone. For me. But at this time, I
was angered because I thought it was just another adventure that robbed
him from me. Peter's eyes were shut now.

I snapped out of it. I ran to his body. I threw myself into reviving him.
I pressed on his ample chest. I gave him mouth to mouth, held his nose,
blew in to his lungs. I saw the wound. I put my hands over it as I had
healed him in the past. I held his hands onto his own wound and pressed.
Nothing. The light was out. His spirit was not to be felt within. I began
to lose my composure and kept doing these things over and over again,
with my own breath leaving. I held him up under one arm. I pressed him
into my own body as though that would be enough to wake him from his
everlasting sleep. "No!"  I said things I wasn't sure of. "Come back to
me! Come back to us! I can't live if you leave! Come back to me! Don't
leave me alone! I'm nothing without you."   I wanted to beat him up. I
rocked him as I knelt and held him all at once, "Come back to me! Don't
leave me! Wherever you are! Stop what you are doing and return at once!
Don't let me alone on this island to raise our lost boys! You can't move
on! You can't! Don't die! Don't move on! Return at once! Where are you!
PETER!!!"  I yelled and tears blotted out reality. I grew tired. I lost
all voice. "Don't do this! Not like this! Don't leave me like this! For
some stupid adventure somewhere! You were bound to lose a fight here! And
you did! Now we are the losers, the ones who are left behind! While you
are off God knows where! Don't stay there! Come back!
PETTTTEERRRRRRRRRAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"   I fell forward and his
back hit ground and I laid on top of him without trying to break the
fall. I knew he was dead. There was no healing him, no bringing him back!
My hands reached the ground and clawed it. I threw dirt and leaves,
crushing them in my hands, bleeding my palms. I banged the ground with
hands and feet alike. I punched his chest and hips! "NOOOOO! I won't let
you!!!!! THIS IS NOT FAIR PLAY!!!!! GODDDDDDDDDDD!!!!"

Seth smiled. Behind me. He was walking through the forest. He had on a
smile. He relished this.

I had time to look at the wound after falling asleep on the dead Peter. I
don't know how long it was that I slept. Was it the same day? His body
was not smelling. Of nothing. Aren't some bodies perfectly preserved,
like saints or something. Well, Peter was no saint but if a boy was good
enough, saved enough people for love or sacrifice or just for fun,
maybe...maybe a boy could end up being a saint for once and maybe...I was
reaching....I did not know where the love of my life went. Where would he
end up? Heaven or...

"Hell? Who's that?"  Seth said as he came upon us.

I could not talk. "I...."

I looked around. I began to drag Peter's body but then I realized how
horrid this looked. Especially as when I dragged his body by his legs,
the Lost Boys were there watching. I moved down to him and as the Lost
Boys, almost as one came to touch him, I yelled, "NOOOOO! NOOOOO! DON'T
TOUCH HIM! Don't you lay a hand on him!"

"Peter is that you?"   Bailey, the only lost boy not there, came in last,
putting on his loin cloth and not succeeding when he saw Seth.

"No, I'm a shipwreck survivor," Seth lied, "How do?"

Bailey let his loin cloth side drop and revealed a lot of hip. When he
saw Peter. "He...."

"I know what he is!"  I snatched up Peter into my arms and heaved. He was
vertical but then with all my might mustered, I laid him horizontally and
carried him bodily, legs over my right arm, his face drooped over my
right arm.  I carried him, I stopped. I put my head down to his and put
my hair into his. Nuzzling his face. I carried him to the same spot we
buried the birds some time before this. Jennie was crying. Landen picked
him up. Other Lost boys dropped their swords and knives. Oliveeer the
fairy took off and would not remain. I began to attack the soft dirt and
started digging. I snapped like a wild animal and threw rocks aside,
nearly hitting Je'ne and Pare, "Get outta my way!"   I found I could not
dig fast enough. I dug a hole. I saw Peter's spade and used it. I dug and
dug and dug.

Seth looked at Sole, "No, don't stop him. Let him do it. It..it's good
for him."   Sole turned from Seth, who touched Sole's shoulder. Sole
pulled his shoulder out from under Seth's grasp. Seth's victory smile
over this dropped. Sole was not accepting him.

"Damn friggin spade! Always told Peter it wasn't good enough or big
enough! Like me!"  I tossed it like a spear and almost ran Rico through.
He ducked and moved back. Peter's body was laid down beside me. If any of
them got close to it, I yelled, pushed them, even from my kneeling
position. "Get away from him!Fuck off, get out of here! Get away from
him! Go!"

"No!"  Sole came forward, "We...we loved him too! Still do!"

I looked up at him. "What? What am I doing?"   I shook my head and
collapsed next to Peter's body and Sole's bare feet. Sole's feet smelled
like Peter's sweet scent of sugar and candy. "Like father. Like your
father," I said incoherently. "What am I doing? Of course you loved him
too."   The boys came to me and hugged me from behind, from the side and
lifted me up. "Wait, wait, boys...we have to bury him."

Landen moved back from my front, for he was hugging me from there,
"Jennie says Peter's friends will want to come."

"Yes," I said, "but we must dig a hole for him first."

Rollin looked and teary eyed, said, "You almost finished it but...there's
something..."

"What? What's is it? What's there?"   I half stumbled, half walked, half
hopped, with boys all over me, hanging on, to look down. I slid down the
hole to the bottom and found a bird there. "Oh."   I dug it up with my
bare hands. It was there in my hands and it lit up and flapped a wing
here, and a wing there. Then it flapped more and more. More. It flew up
and chirped happily near my face. At first, I thought it was going to
snap at me or peck my nose but it was sort of giving me a happy sign. It
was thanking me. It flew off. "Oh Peter," I cried again and tears flowed
again, "You were too quick with your spade and burial again. Oh Peter,
how could you? How could you do this to me....."    I was pulled out of
the hole by Seth and Sole. I laid near Peter's body.

Sole pulled the others away, "Let's give them some more time..."

"Don't you think...."

"You are not in charge here, I don't know who or what you are but...give
them the time."

Seth nodded, faking it all. Phony. "Of course, I honor your wishes. And
their....love."

Sole looked at him. Sole didn't like the way Seth said the word love. He
made it sound like a bad thing. Like something he despised. Sole liked
everyone. Even bad guys some times. He found good in all. But he did not
like this Seth. Maybe, he told himself, it was the shock of losing Peter
at the exact same time as meeting this new teen, Seth. That alone seemed
strange to him. But hard luck on Seth for coming here at this time, the
time they lost their protector. Their father, their friend, their
brother. The nature boy of Neverland.

"I wanted us to have all the time in the universe," I whispered to Peter,
my mouth near his ear. "I know you hear me, wherever you are. I love you
so much it hurts. And this, hurts more than all. Wherever you are, I
won't forget you. Don't you forget me. I love you deeper than any
ocean..."

After a time, Seth came to me and put his hand on my shoulder, "You, you
have to forget him now."

"What?"

"Forget him. He's gone..."

"Maybe there's something we can...I mean maybe some magic, some fairy..."

"No," Seth shook his head and sounded caring, "You have to move on. Move
on. Get on with your life. He...he could be in a better place or..."

"Worse?"  I laughed, an anger in it, "You...you..who are you anyway?"

Seth smiled, "A new friend. I can't take..."

"No, you can't!"  I snapped, "but....you sound so like him. So much like
him."

"Well," Seth said, dropping is smile, "He and I are of the same
nature..."

"What does that suppose to mean?"

Seth stood up from bending over me and Peter's body, "I...I don't know. I
don't know why I even said it. But he and I are...well..."

"Just keep out of this, you know nothing about me or him..."

Seth stood back. The morning gave way to afternoon. Sole came to me,
"Shouldn't we..."

"I don't want to be too hasty in burying him... like he was with those
birds and maybe even babies..."

Je'ne was behind Sole, "Chase, father. We've waited a long time...I
think..."

"I know," I said slowly and quietly. "I know...I guess it is time."

Oliveer came to me and landed on my shoulder, something he hasn't really
ever done. He pointed upward. The sky opened and in the graying clouds, a
light parted the darkness. A ray came down and on it, as though it were a
ramp or a bridge, were figures. I thought they were all angels but they
weren't all angels. I saw friends, I saw figures from the past, I saw
people and things Peter saved, communed with. "I'm Maime Mannering. And
this is my brother Tony."

"Wendy..."

"Chase, I'm so sorry," Atreyu was there on his white horse Artax. With
him was a small boy named Bastian who just shook his dark head and cried.
"I don't think even the Auryn can save him. I know the Child Like Empress
tried."

"Thank her."

"She still trying. That's why she's not here."

"Thank her Atreyu but I think perhaps it's time..."

The small boy listened but now hopped off a giant white dragon animal of
fur, Falkor. Bastian wondered, "It's only been a few hours..."

I cried and found a voice eventually, "But look at him....that wound..."

"Indians?"  Bastian asked.

Atreyu looked closer, "I don't think Indians here use swords. Tis a sword
wound."

"I...I never realized,"  I bent down. I turned, "Wendy, you are from the
Other side...what..."

"We've been told not to elaborate too much. Peter's spirit hasn't yet
shown..."

Here now are all the Lost Boys: Rufio, Nibs, Tootles, the original Twins,
the triplets, Slightly, Curley and...I could swear there were like five
sets of them here. From alternate universes. Strangely absent was Wendy's
brothers John and Michael. "What? Not shown? And Wendy...where are..."

"I'm David, I made up the first Peter Pan story..."

"Hello David," I said in awe, "But Wendy, where are...John and Michael?"

"They had other pressing business to attend to."

"Pressing business?"  I was confused, "More than this?"  She stared at
me. "It has to do with this, doesn't it?"

Seth propped up his head. He had moved back when the others showed up.
Wendy looked at him and he raised an eyebrow and smiled. Wendy did not
return the smile, "I can't reveal any more. We are here to pay our
respects."

A small 9 year old boy was there. I was sure it was JM Barrie and he was
surrounded by other boys, who I thought were the Davies boys. Nico.
Peter. Michael. George. Jack. And there were female children around him
too and at least three older women in long flowing white robes or gowns.
I didn't want to deal with all these ghosts. They had come for Peter. I
thought to take him, his spirit. I hesitated, "Once he's in the
ground...."

Wendy nodded, "I do not know. I do know you must put him in it."

I choked. I didn't know what more to say or do. The Lost Boys, my Lost
Boys came to me and surrounded me. Rico said, "Whatever it is you want to
do. We're behind him."

Seth fumed. He didn't like this.

"I know," I told my Lost Boys. "I know you are. We must lay him to...to
rest..."

Fairies were there, trolls and even ogres and monsters. All were somehow
connected to Peter. They had all come to pay respect. Tiger Lily, Hard to
Hit, Big Panther, all the old Indians from Wendy's time on the Island
were there. The mermaids and mermen were permitted to come, having grown
legs by King Neptune and the Queen of the Mermaids. My merboy were there
too, totally nude and quite handsome and hot looking. Dripping wet. Smee
was there too in the background. Seth tried to go over to him but the
spirt of Smee was too good for him so he backed off from Smee, who gave
him a naughty boy look and pointed his finger at him. Then someone landed
in my hair and pulled. I looked up and it was TinkerBell. THE Tinkerbell.
"I'm sorry, TinkerBell," I told her, "I know how you loved him."

Tinkerbell said something in fairy language. I think it was, "You silly
ass."   She was crying and her tears landed on Peter's eyes. I looked at
him. I thought this would...might bring him to life. It didn't. We all
watched, waiting for a miracle.

"No. There'll be no miracles..."

Seth smiled.

"...today."

Seth frowned.

I held out hope for what I know not. I picked up Peter's body again and
the Lost Boys made move to help. "No, I got it. I got him."

As Tink set about making sparks on a rock...I thought she was crying them
onto solid rock...but she was making a tombstone with Peter's name on it,
more mourners arrived. I knew some. A great many I did not know. Children
from an underwater city. Like in that poor book. Girls, hundreds of
girls. Mrs Darling and her mother and her mother's mother. Wendy's
daughter Jane and her son, the little green eyed Danny, were there. And
Jane's daughter Margaret and her daughters's daughter. Etc. I wondered if
somehow I was related to them. But I knew deep down I was not. Only
connected via Peter Pan. Dumbo, the elephant was there and Tantor. Tarzan
was here. Knights. Spartacus. Cinderella and Snow White. Sleeping Beauty.

Michael Darling's friends were here, even if he were not. Some Never
Animals were here including the Flamingoes and the Never Bird and
ostriches. Nico, Wendy's wolf was here and even the croc was off in the
distance, laying low to not disturb anyone. Standing near Nico, my tigers
were here too, watching me. The father of them was crying. A living
lagoon, a kind of giant water life form was there too. I believe it was
Michael's creation. It was crying too but instead of crying water from
it's eyes, since it was water, it cried dirt and ground and sand. There
were good dragons there, Peter once saved them. And the King of the
fairies and his Queen from Tintagel. And on and on. I could list the
hundreds upon thousands of  attendees but it would take forever. Dorothy
of Oz, the Wizard of Oz and all their friends. A dentist was there with
your first braces.

And those...there were princes with six elder brothers. One prince in
particular stood proud and tall. He wore the most splendid robe top and
pants. All sorts of fabulous colors, blue mostly, gold lining and a
diamond studded crown which he took off. I gathered Peter had helped him
save his kingdom and reunited him with his six elder brothers, all of
whom were taller than he. And he was tall. Very tall. I think his name
was Prince Tyler. He never wanted to take the name King, since he
respected his father, who was now long gone and whom might have been one
of the first Lost Boys himself. Tyler was cute and with a classically
handsome face. Yet what was most handsome about him was the fact that he
was so innocent and didn't think he was handsome. This gave him a kind of
schoolboy look to his innocence that raked over my heart. He had great
solid legs and a studious face. He came over to me, "I'm heartily sorry.
My kingdom, for all it is worth is at your disposal if it can do
anything..."

I bowed, "Thank you but it is time..."   I carefully descended the sandy
pit I made to lay Peter in. I laid him in it. "I...I can't!"  I laid on
him again, "Oh God, please! God, whatever your will is but please don't
let me have to do this!!!"   I made a complete fool of myself before the
citizens of the universes, other dimensions and lands that never existed.
No one made a sound. Finally I gave it up and stood. I bent over and
kissed him on the mouth again. "So cold. Be so warm as you travel more
than part of the way to your final place of adventure....I am sure you
will face it with kind loving excitement and whomever you meet there will
be more lighted by your presence. And someday..." I could not see. I was
crying too hard. "...someday I shall join you....but for now, goodbye, au
revoir and there are boys that need me to help them live...Forgive me for
not being there as I forgive you for dying in some secondary fight that
was meaningless to me...but for your loss..."   I turned and the Lost
boys pulled me up, for none of us could fly now. I watched, rather than
turn away as the Lost Boys poured the dirt back into the hole, covering
Peter's body. Unmoving, unflinching body.

Wendy came to me and held my shoulders as the sand covered Peter totally.
"The fight was not as you believe. It did mean something. Peter died for
you."

Now I was totally confused, "What? What do you mean?"

Wendy looked up, "I cannot go on."  She vanished. Partly.

I put a hand through her, "Wendy, don't you dare say that and just go..."

"I must..."  She was totally gone now, the rest of her vanishing from
around my hand.

Everyone had to depart almost as fast. Atreyu and Bastian said their
goodbyes. Tink kissed my lips and left, Olivver sneering at her, for he
hated her mostly. At least at the moment. I think he might have been
jealous of her kissing me or of her relationship to Peter. Tink was
wailing throughout the burial but now found a sort of solid bravery. She
left with others and headed for heaven. Time and space and the other
dimensions reopened to allow everyone to go back home. Dumbo and Tantor
remained for a time and stayed longer than the others. Tarzan just told
me, "They will be needed."

For what?  Fine. "Thanks," I told him. The mysterious ways were beginning
to get to me. I wanted things spelled out, plain, and read-able. What the
fuck was going on? Where was I? Is this real? Was Peter Pan real? Is this
a nightmare of some kind? Fuck it all!   "What the hell good are they all
of them? All these other beings, what good are they, tell me?!!"  I faced
the Lost Boys and Sole ran at me and held me. "Come back here and bring
him back me!!! You bastards, return him to me!!!! Go and get him in that
other place!!!! Come back! Peter, come back!!! Shitheads!!!"

Sole grabbed me and held me. The others followed. "Stop," Sole said to
me, for goodness sake, he was beginning to become like Peter was. All
this time Seth was backing off. He couldn't stand the affection the
others had for me.

"Come on,"   Rollin said, "Let's take him back to the Underground House."

"Or maybe the Flowered House that Wendy used to have?"  Rico asked.

"The underground house will be fine," I said, limply in their arms.

The triplets looked at Seth. "What about him?"

"What about me?"  Seth shrugged, "Can I come?"

"We dont...."   Je'ne started but stopped.

I moved toward Seth and put a hand on his shoulder and chest, "Seth, we
don't...listen, maybe in time..."

"Why not now? I've been alone for so long on this island ever since..."

"No!"  Sole snapped. He was never this rude to others. I took my hands
off Seth.

I looked at him sideways, not really turning back to him, my eyes wanting
to face Sole but not really doing it,   "Seth, it's just that we don't
really know you well enough yet and the Houses we have are..."

Seth smiled and looked downward, glancing his eyes at the grass. "Maybe
in time..."

Seth said, "I know...I mean I know that I can't take his place but..."

"Got that right."   Rollin said and...

Sole snapped, "Damn straight you can't. So don't even try."

"They're just upset about Peter...Peter's death..."

"I know,"   Seth said, "I'll be seeing you though..."

Damn that Sole was getting just like Peter. I wondered why. As Seth
showed us his back, leaving, I turned to them, "Look boys, listen to me.
He saved my life."

"Well, I don't like him."

"Neither do I."  Rollin echoed Sole.

"Me, too," Bailey nodded, "There's something about him..."

"He saved my life," I repeated, "I can't just dismiss him. He...he's all
alone."

"So?"  Rico shrugged. "So are we...now..."

"Peter wouldn't let a boy live alone when..."

"He's not a boy," Sole nodded, "Not any more. He's not one of us and he's
not the right age."

"I guess you guys are right," I said, looking down, "It's just that..."

"Peter's just buried,"   Sole said, "Can you stop thinking about another
guy?"

"How dare you!"  I ran to him and slapped his face, "How dare you!"

Sole felt his face, and smiled. "That's more of what I want to see."

"Just because we love Peter, because..."  I stammered and lost it again,
"Because I love Peter, doesn't mean that...that we can't show love and
care for other people..."

"We don't trust him."

Anyone of them could have said that. And did. Except Jennie, who can't
talk and Bo, who won't talk. They nodded their agreement.

"Let's go home," Aoi checked, "He's gone."  I wasn't sure if he meant
Seth or Peter.

"Yes," I looked at Peter's grave where each boy put some keepsake or
memento on Peter's grave head, where a stone was that a Tink carved out
that read his name.

The elephants moved off so me and the lost boys, arms around each other,
we left, almost as one entity. We toured the woods, toward our home,
leaving the headstone of  Peter Pan in the sand where his body lay.


The play Peter Pan and its characters are trademarks of and copyright
J.M. Barrie