Date: Sat, 29 May 1999 19:12:44 PDT
From: Justin's Boy <justins_boy@hotmail.com>
Subject: Ryan's Love 13

  ****This story is completely fictional. It is not meant to imply
anything about the sexuality of the real Ryan Phillippe or about any
of the other people mentioned. Nor is it meant to be representative
of the relationship of the real Ryan and Reese.


     "Thanks," I said, smiling at the waitress as she seated me. I glanced
around the restaurant, alight with the warm afternoon sun. I'd been in town
long enough now that whenever I looked at any group of people, I
automatically looked for anyone who was someone before I studied the rest.
It may sound like snobbery, but I was well aware that I myself fit in the
category of 'the rest' and probably always would.
     "Can I get you something to drink while you look at the menu?" the
waitress asked. I interrupted my perusal of the others diners and looked up
at her. An actress, of course. Nearly everyone you met in town was an
aspiring actor, actress, writer, director, etc.
     "I'll have a coke, please. And I'll wait to order until my friend gets
here," I smiled. Jotting down a notation on the receipt, she nodded and left
me in peace to finish looking around.
     One of the stars of Ally McBeal was sitting on the other side of the
room with a man in a suit that just screamed 'Agent'. A few tables down from
them was an actress who'd hit it big in the movies in the late eighties and
early nineties, even winning an Oscar, but after several well publicized
flops, she hadn't worked in awhile. Everything about her called out for
attention, and it was obvious that she was trying to be noticed while
pretending to be absorbed in a script that lay before her on the table.
     "Seth? Hi," AJ's voice broke into my thoughts as she sat down across
from me. "Am I late?"
     "Nope, right on time in fact. How's everything?" I asked.
     "Pretty good. How about you? Everything okay with Ryan?"
     "It's more than okay. It's Heaven on Earth," I smiled.
     "Really? That's great. I can't believe the three of you, just living
together like one big happy family," AJ shook her head, looking amused.
     "I know. It's definitely not Norman Rockwell material, but it works out
really well for us. We're all happy. Ryan's working on his next movie, Reese
is getting everything ready for the baby and the wedding, and I just
finished the script I was working on," I said.
     The waitress returned with my drink and two menus just in time to hear
the last of my words. Glancing at me with real interest for the first time
and then obviously recognizing AJ as a fellow actress who'd actually made
it, she carefully set down my drink. Looking over her shoulder, as if afraid
she'd be caught, she quickly ripped part of a receipt out of her book and
scribbled something on it.
     "If you need an actress, I'm available," she smiled, handing me the
piece of paper with her name and number. Then, resuming a blase attitude of
a busy waitress, "Let me know when you're ready to order."
     "Ugh. I remember those days all too well," AJ sighed as we watched the
waitress walk away.
     "Yeah, but look at you now," I said.
     "And look at her," AJ nodded in the direction of the Oscar winning
has-been. "It won't be long before she's back in the position that waitress
is in. Oh, she'll probably have the money not to have to work, but she'll
still be begging for acting jobs, if she's not already. Kind of makes you
think, huh?"
     "Yeah. But listen. You didn't ask me to lunch to ponder the fickleness
of the business, did you? I haven't seen you forever!" I smiled, changing
the subject.
     "Forever, huh? Didn't we got to a club opening together about two weeks
ago? I know I remember Ryan being there, so I guess you were, too," AJ
grinned.
     "Oh, thanks! But that was different. We didn't really get a chance to
talk or anything. As much as I love not having to panic every day over
scripts and scenes that don't work, I can't wait to get back to it all," I
admitted.
     "I know. Me too," AJ said. We gestured towards the waitress and ordered
our lunch. Once we were alone again, AJ sighed.
     "Have you heard from Scott?"
     "Your Scott? Or Simon's Scott?" I asked, taking a sip from my drink.
     "I guess you haven't then," AJ said. Seeing the confused look on my
face, she continued. "Simon and Scott are finished. It happened last
weekend."
     "Oh, no. What went wrong? They seemed so happy!" I said, feeling
shocked. Poor Scott. He'd been so in love the last time I'd seen him, at the
club.
     "I don't know the exact details or anything. I ran into Simon at the
gym, and he was telling me all about his pilot getting picked up for next
season. I said something about how happy Scott must be for him, and that's
when he told me they'd broken up," AJ explained.
     "Have you talked to Scott at all?"
     "I called him as soon as I got home that day, but he didn't really want
to talk about it. Just said that he was okay and that it had been a mutual
decision."
     "I don't believe that. Scott was so happy with Simon," I said, shaking
my head. "Maybe I should call him."
     "I don't know if that's such a good idea, Seth," AJ said.
     "Why not? Scott's my friend, AJ. I'm worried about him."
     "Seth, listen. Scott just got out of the first and only real
relationship he's ever had. He's probably going through a lot, and seeing
you might make it worse. You know how he felt about you. I think, in spite
of what he felt for Simon, that a lot of those feelings are still there,"
AJ's voice was calm and reasonable, like she was trying to convince a wilful
child of something important.
     "But AJ, I've got to do something. I'm probably the only person who
knows exactly what he's feeling," I said.
     "Why do you say that? I think most of us know what it's like when your
first serious relationship ends," AJ pointed out.
     "Yeah. But you don't know what's it's like for someone who's kept his
real self hidden away for most of his life. When you first take that step to
tell someone the truth about yourself, and they accept you and return your
feelings.... It's not exactly like the first time a guy and a girl get
together, AJ," I said, trying to explain the feelings involved to someone
who just couldn't really know what they were like.
     AJ sighed. "Okay. I see what you mean, I guess. But I still don't know
if it's such a great idea, Seth."
     "What am I supposed to do, avoid Scott from now on just because he
broke up with Simon? He's my friend!" Before AJ could reply, the waitress
returned with our food. We both waited in silence until she'd gone again.
     "Seth, listen. I'm not trying to upset you. And I'm not saying you
shouldn't see Scott. I just think you need to give him time. He needs to
deal with things on his own. Seeing you will just be another reminder of
what he doesn't have. When he's come to terms with things, it'll be
different," AJ said softly, looking across the table at me earnestly.
     Was she right? I certainly didn't want to add to the pain I knew Scott
must be going through. At the same time, though, I didn't want him to have
to go through everything alone. Then again, he hadn't called me or asked for
my help in any way, so maybe he didn't want or need it.
     "All right, AJ. You're probably right. I'll let things settle down
before I see him," I said. AJ smiled and reached across the table, putting
her hand on mine.
     "You're a great friend, Seth. You care a lot about everyone around you.
That's pretty rare, especially in this town."
     "No, it's not. You're the same way, and so is Scott," I smiled.
     "And Ryan?"
     "Of course! Ryan is the greatest guy on the planet, AJ. You must know
that by now!" I laughed.
     "Oh, I think everyone does. In fact, I was reading that in the
newspaper just this morning. 'Ryan Phillippe voted Universe's Number One
Guy', or something like that," AJ said.
     "I wouldn't doubt it for a minute," I replied.
     "You're really in love, aren't you? I mean, I knew right from the
beginning that you loved this guy, but I had no idea just how deeply. It's
amazing, Seth. I hope...." AJ's words trailed off.
     "You hope what?" I asked softly, feeling certain I knew what she'd been
going to say.
     "Nothing. I was just going to say that I hope I find that kind of love
some day," AJ's smile didn't reach her eyes, which looked pensive.
     "Is everything okay with you and Scott?" I asked, worried. Surely her
relationship wasn't faltering, too?
     "It's fine. I just... I don't know, Seth. I like Scott a lot. I even
love him. But I don't think I love him as much as I should."
     "AJ, you've got to give these things time," I said.
     "Do you? What about you and Ryan? Did you have to give that time, Seth?
Or did you feel right from the beginning that you were in love? Like you
couldn't even breathe if you weren't with him?" AJ asked. I stared at her,
uncertain what to say. My feelings for Ryan had been very strong right from
the beginning, it was true.
     "AJ, not all love starts out that way," I finally said.
     "I know. It's just.... well, Scott feels that way about me, Seth. I
know he does. But I don't feel that way about him. I have a lot of fun with
him and everything, and I care for him. But I don't think I'm head over
heels in love with him, like you are with Ryan," AJ sighed.
     "Can I get you anything else?" the waitress returned, butting into our
conversation once again. I shook my head without turning to look at her, my
eyes still on AJ, who was looking down at her plate.
     "Seth, I'm sorry. God, I never intended to say any of that! This was
just supposed to be a carefree little lunch with a friend. I don't know what
came over me," AJ said, shaking her head and attempting to smile.
     "AJ, if that's how you really feel-"
     "I don't know how I feel, Seth. I'm an actress, okay? I go through
every emotion known to man on a regular basis. Is it any wonder I'm
confused?" AJ interrupted, laughing unconvincingly. The look in my eyes must
have told her that I didn't buy her attempt to laugh everything off.
     "Listen, Seth. Don't worry about all of this, okay? It'll work itself
out. Now, if we're going to make it to a movie, we'd better get going. I'll
just run to the ladies room really quick, all right?"
     I sighed as I watched AJ walk across the restaurant and turn the
corner. Scott Foley and Simon were history, and AJ didn't feel the same way
towards Scott Speedman that he felt towards her. I'd been going around for
the last several weeks, feeling happy and confident in my own relationship
with Ryan and also feeling an almost paternal feeling towards the happy
relationships of my closest friends. Now that I knew the truth, I felt a
sense of personal failure.
     "Well, hello. We've got to stop meeting like this," Scott Wolf grinned
as he sat down in AJ's empty seat. In my preoccupation over everything AJ
had told me, I hadn't seen Scott come in.
     "Yes, we really do," I said, my voice making it clear that I didn't
mean it as a casual opening line. "That seat is taken, and we're leaving
anyway."
     "You and Ryan?" Scott asked, glancing around the restaurant.
     "No." I said, not bothering to elaborate.
     "If I were Ryan, I wouldn't want to let you out of my sight for a
minute," Scott grinned, his eyes once again taking in the upper half of my
body that he could see above the table.
     "Well thankfully you're not Ryan, Scott. Let me just get one thing
across to you, okay? I have no interest in you at all, and I never will. I'm
very happy in my relationship, and nothing's going to change that." I made a
point of looking him directly in the eye, hoping my point would reach him
successfully this time.
     "Don't worry. I don't want to interfere with your relationship. I
couldn't care less about you and Ryan living happily ever after. But hey,
Ryan doesn't have to know everything, does he? And what he doesn't know
won't hurt him," Scott smiled, putting his famed dimples on display.
     "You really are an asshole, you know that?" I asked, smiling back
pleasantly as if I'd just paid him a compliment. I was very much aware that
we were in a very public place and that quite a few eyes had been on Scott
since his arrival.
     "Tell me, does Ryan still do that little trick I taught him? With the
ice cube?" Scott asked, still smiling.
     "What Ryan does is none of your business any more, Scott. Personally I
don't think you ever cared anyway," I said, struggling not to let him get to
me.
     "Oh, I did care. He's quite an animal between the sheets, isn't he?
Insatiable! We had a lot of fun together," Scott said. "Of course, he was
still pretty raw then. You know, just a couple of flings when he was in high
school. I was his first, really. The first that counted. I taught him just
about everything he knows. So, you should be really grateful."
     "I was wrong, Scott. You're not an asshole. Words can't even describe
what you are," I said, seething inside but attempting to keep a polite smile
on my face, which I could feel flushing with anger.
     "Oh, come on. I know Ryan must have told you about me. Don't you want
to find out first hand what it's like, so you can compare notes?"
     I stood up quickly, feeling a white hot anger flush through my body.
I'd never wanted to smash my fist into anyone's face as much as I did at
that moment.
     "Seth? Are you ready? Oh, hi," AJ smiled, returning to the table and
taking in the scene. "I'm Amy Jo Johnson. We've met a few times, at
parties." She held her hand out to Scott, who took it and smiled up at her
in his most charming manner.
     "Of course. I know who you are. It's nice to see you again."
     "Excuse me. Mr. Wolf, would you like me to show you to your table now?
Or should I bring another chair over for this table?" the waitress asked in
her most ingratiating manner, making the words Mr. Wolf sound akin to Your
Majesty.
     "No, that won't be necessary. We were just on our way out," I said
through my teeth, trying to smile once again. Out of the corner of my eye, I
saw AJ glance at me curiously, but I kept my attention focused on Scott.
     "I'll see you later. Say hi to Ryan for me, will you?" Scott smiled,
standing up to be shown to his table. I felt my hand clenching itself into a
fist, my fingers digging into the skin on the palm of my hand.
     "Nice to see you again, Amy Jo," Scott said as he followed the waitress
to the other side of the room. AJ nodded and then turned to look at me, her
face a mask of curiosity. I just shook my head and threw some cash down on
the table to cover the check before making my way outside.
     I took a few deep breaths of smog filled air, trying to calm down. AJ
joined me and put a hand on my shoulder. "Seth? What's going on? You looked
like you were ready to kill the guy!"
     "Let's just say I'm not a Party of Five fan," I smiled weakly. "Come
on, we'd better get going. Don't want to miss the movie!"
     AJ opened her mouth to say something further, but then obviously
changed her mind. "Okay. Come on, the popcorn's on me."

			  **********************

     I didn't hear the door open, so the first indication I had of not being
alone was the warm feeling of Ryan's lips pressing softly against mine.
     "Reese, we can't. Ryan will be home soon," I joked, keeping my eyes
closed. I was lying on our bed with all the lights out, my head pounding
with a painful headache.
     "Very funny," Ryan laughed, placing his hand gently on my chest. "Are
you okay?"
     "I'm fine. It's just a little headache," I smiled, opening my eyes and
looking up into his.
     "Oh, sure. I see how it is. Just like with old married couples. 'Not
tonight, Ryan, I have a headache.'" Ryan grinned, his blue eyes twinkling.
     "Like a headache would stop me!" I said, taking hold of the front of
his shirt and pulling him down for a kiss.
     "Do you know that that was about the ten thousandth kiss I've had
today? And it was the first one I've enjoyed," Ryan smiled when we'd pulled
apart. He was lying across my chest, his fingers playing with my hair.
     "It better have been! I can't watch any of your movies any more, you
know that? It makes me too jealous to see you kissing all those women," I
smiled.
     "Really? I guess coming to my next premiere is out then, huh?"
     "Oh, I guess I could close my eyes during the sex scenes," I laughed.
Ryan smiled and lightly kissed the tip of my nose.
     "How was your afternoon with AJ?" he asked. I felt the smile slowly
fade from my face, like someone had flicked a light switch.
     "It was okay," I said. Ryan sat up, looking down at me with a worried
expression on his face.
     "What happened?" I sighed and rolled over onto my side, facing away
from Ryan. My head was pounding again, even worse than it had all through
the movie I'd seen with AJ.
     "Nothing, really. Nothing we need to worry about," I replied, staring
into the darkness.
     "Seth, what's going on? Tell me what happened. It's obviously upsetting
you," Ryan said, his voice filled with concern. I felt the mattress shift as
he scooted over next to me, his hand resting on my shoulder. "Please talk to
me."
     "It's no big deal, Ryan. I ran into Scott Wolf again, that's all. He
just really knows how to push all my buttons," I sighed.
     Ryan's lips brushed against my temple. "Damn him. What did he say this
time?" he asked softly.
     "It's not important, Ryan. He was just being a real asshole and I let
him get to me. It's over, though. Next time I'll just walk away before he
has a chance to open his mouth," I said.
     "I'm so sorry, Seth," Ryan sighed, his warm breath on my cheek as he
rested his head on my shoulder.
     "Ryan, you don't have anything to be sorry for!" I said, turning over
again to face him.
     "Yes, I do. I shouldn't have ever been involved with him to begin with.
Any idiot can see through his game, but not me. Oh, no. I fell for it,"
Ryan's words became bitter. "Now he's out to prove he can get you into bed,
too, if he wants to."
     "Well, he can't. You know that," I said, leaning forward to kiss his
lips softly.
     "Yeah, I know. I just wish you didn't have to go through all of this
every time you see him," Ryan sighed.
     "I can handle it, Ryan. Besides, Scott wasn't the only thing that upset
me today," I said.
     "What else happened?" Ryan asked, lightly caressing my cheek with his
fingers.
     "Well, Simon and Scott broke up, and I think Scott's taking it pretty
hard," I explained. "And AJ doesn't think I should see him until he's had
time to work through it all on his own."
     "Why?"
     "You know how he felt about me. AJ thinks that maybe seeing me would be
a reminder of all that while he's still trying to deal with losing Simon. I
guess she's right. I just feel I should be there for him, though."
     "Poor guy. I can't even begin to imagine what it would be like for me
if I lost you," Ryan said. I looked into his eyes and smiled.
     "You'll never lose me, so don't even try to imagine it."
     "Promise?"
     "Of course," I said. Ryan brought his mouth to mine again and we kissed
for a few minutes. It felt wonderful just lying there, his arms wrapped
around me, looking into his eyes and seeing the love in them.
     "Hey, I do have some good news, though!" Ryan said after our lips had
parted and we'd laid there for a few moments, staring at each other and
smiling.
     "What?"
     "My people set up a meeting about your script," Ryan said the words
casually, but I could tell he was excited.
     "Already?" I asked, sitting up in surprise. Ryan followed suit and
nodded as he did so.
     "Yep. A week from today," he smiled.
     "Who with?"
     "Miramax," Ryan grinned. I couldn't believe my ears! Despite Ryan's
confidence in the script, I'd seriously doubted it would get very far.
     "Oh my God. I can't believe it!" I said, shaking my head.
     "Believe it, babe. I never doubted it for a minute! I'm sure Miramax
will buy it," Ryan said.
     "This is incredible! Ryan, I don't know how to thank you!" I almost
felt like crying, I was so happy. My dreams were coming true, and all
because of this wonderful man.
     "Seth, you're the one who wrote it. I just had my people send it out
and let it be know that I was interested in making it," Ryan said.
     "Oh, that's ALL, huh? Ryan, that's the only reason anyone even looked
at it to begin with!"
     "Well, you don't have to thank me. I'm doing it for selfish reasons. I
want that movie, Seth. It could make my career. Besides, I want you to be
happy. I love you!" Ryan whispered.
     "I love you, too. More than anything!" Ryan leaned forward and pulled
me into yet another kiss. Before we even needed to pull away for air,
though, there was a knock at the bedroom door.
     Ryan groaned a little, looking into my eyes. "Yeah?" he called out.
     "Can I come in for a second?" Reese's voice came through the closed
door, sounding hesitant.
     "I don't know... Seth's got me naked and tied to the bed, but if that
doesn't bother you...." Ryan called out.
     "Ryan!! Yes, Reese, you can come in!" I yelled, smacking Ryan
playfully.
     Reese opened the door and came in about two steps. The room was still
dark. "You can turn on the light, Reese. We're decent," I said.
     "I'm really sorry to interrupt," Reese said as she flicked the switch.
The room was flooded with bright light and I squinted my eyes in pain.
     "That's okay. What's up?" Ryan asked.
     "Well, theres someone here to see Seth. At least... I think that's why
he's here. It's kind of hard to tell," Reese said.
     "What? I didn't even hear the doorbell. Who is it?" I asked.
     "He didn't ring the doorbell. He's asleep in his car out in the
driveway," Reese explained.
     "Who?" I asked.
     "Scott... um... I don't know which one, I can't keep them straight. One
of the Scotts from your show," Reese said. She was obviously very
embarrassed to have had to come in while Ryan and I were alone, especially
since she'd found us with the lights out. She didn't seem to quite know
where to look.
     "Oh God. It must be Scott Foley," I said, looking at Ryan. "Thanks,
Reese. I'll go see what's going on."
     "Do you want me to come out with you?" Ryan asked.
     "No. I think I should go out alone. It would probably be easier for him
that way," I said.
     "What's going on?" Reese asked.
     "He broke up with his boyfriend," I explained as I pulled on my shoes
and headed for the front door. Scott's car was parked in the driveway at an
angle, it's front end pointing not at the garage doors as it should have,
but sideways towards the lawn and the front door of the house.
     Scott's face was pressed up against the driver's side window, his eyes
closed in sleep. I made my way around to the passenger side, but the door
was locked. Going back around, I knocked lightly on the glass, but Scott
didn't move at all. I knocked a little harder, but still there was no sign
of life.
     Sighing, I took hold of the door handle and quickly pulled the door
open. Scott fell out, into my arms. Even though I'd been ready for the
impact, he was heavier than I'd expected and I tumbled over into the yard,
Scott on top of me. Even falling from the car didn't awaken him, and I could
easily tell why. He stank of alcohol, and there was a half empty bottle
visible on the seat of the car.
     I rolled him over onto the grass and stood up. I went back into the
house for Ryan, and together we half carried, half dragged the inert body of
my friend into the house and deposited him on the sofa.
     "Oh, boy. Looks like we've got company for the night, huh?" Ryan asked.
I nodded, my eyes on Scott's unshaven face. He looked terrible, like he
hadn't slept in days until this alcohol induced coma. "I'll go get some
blankets."
     Almost as soon as Ryan had left the room, Scott slowly opened his eyes.
After a few seconds, they focused on me and Scott started to struggle to sit
up.
     "Seth! How you doin? Why're you in my apartment?" Scott asked, slurring
his words.
     "I'm not. You're at my house, Scott. Mine and Ryan's," I said softly.
     Scott started to giggle and fell back over on his side. "You're so
cute! Ryan's lucky, you know. Lucky, lucky Ryan. Ryan," Scott said, his
voice starting to drift off a little, like he was falling back to sleep.
     Just when I thought he'd dozed off, though, Scott sat back up. "You
know who else is cute? Simon. Simon's cute, don't you think?" I nodded my
agreement. Scott was obviously taking things harder than even I had thought
he would be.
     "Simon made videos, you know," Scott said, leaning back on the sofa. I
looked up at Ryan, who'd returned with a blanket and pillow and was standing
quietly against the wall.
     "Scott, it's going to be fine. You need to get some sleep now, okay?
Things will look better in the morning," I said soothingly.
     "The morning? Okay. Whatever you say, Seth. You're cute, you know.
Lucky Ryan. Did you know that I had a boyfriend, Seth? His name was Simon.
Do you know Simon?" Scott continued on, his eyes closed. I looked helplessly
at Ryan, who shook his head sadly.
     "Yes, Scott. I know Simon. Come on, lay down. You need to get some
rest," I said, putting my hands on his shoulders to guide him to lie down.
     "All right. Rest. The rest is history," Scott started giggling again.
"Simon is history. Did you know that? He made videos, you know. Can't be
with me, because he made videos."
     "Okay, Scott. Lie down," I said. Ryan came forward with the blanket and
covered Scott with it while I slipped the pillow under his head.
     "What're you doing here?" Scott asked, opening his eyes and looking at
me again. "Did I let you in?"
     "Shh. Scott, go to sleep," I said. Scott nodded and closed his eyes
again. Ryan and I stood there for a few minutes, until we were sure he was
asleep. Then we quietly made our way back to our bedroom.
     "My God. Ryan, he's a mess. What are we going to do?" I asked, leaning
against him for comfort.
     "I don't know. He's probably just letting off steam, though. A lot of
people get drunk at times like those," Ryan said, wrapping his arms around
me and pulling me to him tightly.
     "I can't believe this. Poor Scott," I sighed, a tear slowly rolling
down my cheek.
     Ryan pulled me even closer and kissed the side of my head. "Thank God I
have you Seth. I think about what my life would be like without you, and
that's it. Out there, on the sofa. That would be me if you'd left me over
this whole thing with Reese."
     I wrapped my own arms tightly around Ryan and we stood there for a long
time, holding each other in the dark, thinking of all the terrible 'might
have been's and silently thanking fate, destiny, God, or whatever it was
that had allowed us to find each other and stay together.

  ***** 13 is such an unlucky number, I almost didn't want to write this
one! I hope you'll enjoy the story anyway! Send comments to
justins_boy@hotmail.com