Date: Mon, 22 Feb 1999 22:58:55 PST
From: Justin's Boy <justins_boy@hotmail.com>
Subject: Ryan's Love 4

  ***This is a work of fiction and should in no way reflect on the
actual sexuality of Ryan Phillippe.

     I rang the doorbell and stood back, feeling very nervous. It almost
felt like a first date. Back at my apartment I'd even changed clothes
twice before deciding that I looked okay.
     Ryan opened the door. I felt a surge of emotion just seeing him
again. He was wearing an ordinary white t-shirt and a pair of slacks and
he had on glasses with thick black frames. What was so amazing was that
he looked normal, not like a movie star. He looked like he could just be
anybody you'd see on the street, yet at the same time he looked so damn
sexy.
     "Gonna stand there all night? I don't mind, but my neighbors might
think it's a little odd," Ryan smiled. I blushed a little, realizing how
silly I must look standing there with my mouth open, staring.
     "Sorry. It's just.... Well, to use an old cliche, you took my
breath away," I said, walking past him into the house.
     As soon as he closed the door Ryan wrapped his arms around me from
behind and gave me a gentle hug. He kissed my neck softly and breathed
in deeply.
     "You smell so great," he said, his voice barely above a whisper. "I
haven't been able to get you out of my head all day."
     "I know. I spent the whole day thinking of you, too," I said. Ryan
removed his arms and walked past me, turning towards the kitchen. I
followed him, becoming aware of a delicious scent in the air. My stomach
began to rumble a little and I realized I hadn't eaten all day. I'd been
too busy at work trying to make up for being late.
     The kitchen was a mess. There were pots and pans strewn all over
the counters. Ryan was standing in front of the oven, a wooden spoon to
his lips.
     "What do you think?" he asked, turning towards me and holding the
spoon up so I could take a taste. I leaned forward and sampled the sauce
on the spoon.
     "Wow. That's great," I said honestly. Ryan smiled again, looking
like a pleased child.
     "I don't know if you're hungry, but I'm starving, so I made some
pasta," Ryan said. I told him I was famished and sat down at the small
table in the center of the kitchen. I watched Ryan as he moved back and
forth between the pasta and the sauce, making sure everything was just
right. I smiled, thinking how cute he looked. I wondered, fleetingly, if
he'd ever cooked for Reese, but then I pushed that thought from my head.
     "Okay, don't just sit there staring. Here take this out to the
living room," Ryan said, handing me the large bowl he'd just filled with
the pasta. I stood up to take the bowl and Ryan leaned forward and
gently kissed me, his tongue lightly flicking around my mouth.
     He pulled away and I laughed, looking at his glasses. The heat
rising from the pasta between us had fogged them up. Ryan smiled and
took them off, his blue eyes sparkling.
     Taking the pasta into the living room, I discovered that a small
table, set for two, had materialized since I'd been there last. I put
the pasta down as Ryan came in, carrying both the sauce and a bottle of
wine.
     "Let me just put on some CDs and then we can eat," he said. I sat
down at the table as jazz music once again began to fill the room. Ryan
sat down across from me, smiling almost shyly.
     "I hope you like pasta. It's just about the only thing I can cook,
other than macaroni and cheese from the box," Ryan said, pouring the
wine.
     "I love pasta. And, I'm starving. I haven't eaten all day," I said
as I dished some pasta and sauce onto my plate.
     "Were you in a lot of trouble?" Ryan asked, a worried look crossing
his face.
     "Not really. Nothing I can't survive. Oh, this is delicious!" I
said, taking a bite. Ryan smiled again.
     Despite the fact that it was already past one in the morning, we
sat there and ate pasta, talking as we had at the club, losing all track
of time. Ryan told me about the movie premiere, tactfully not mentioning
Reese at all. We both laughed at his tale of one of Hollywood's
venerable legends stumbling around under the influence of too much to
drink, hitting on every woman in the room who was under the age of
twenty-five. Ryan asked about my day at the studio and I filled him in
on all the dull details, which for some reason seemed to interest him.
Then I told him about Scott giving me a ride home and about his
assumptions of a wild night with some hot babe.
     When I came to the part about Scott finding out I was gay from his
messages on my machine, Ryan's smile quickly faded.
     "You don't think he recognized my voice, do you?" Ryan asked,
obviously worried. I was taken aback and sat there for a moment, staring
at Ryan's concerned face.
     "I don't think he'd have any reason to recognize it. Why?" I asked,
though I knew the answer already.
     "Seth, you have to be more careful. If anyone found out about
us...." Ryan let his words trail off. I suddenly felt as though he'd
just ripped out my heart.
     "I see," I said, putting down my fork and staring at the table
cloth. Ryan sighed and reached one hand across the table, resting it on
my own hand.
     "I'm sorry. I'm just really nervous about this, Seth. I've never
had to deal with hiding something like this before. It scares the hell
out of me," Ryan said earnestly.
     I looked up into his eyes, which were pleading for understanding. I
sighed and tried my best to smile, but wasn't too successful. All the
time we'd been talking, a warm feeling had come over me. This wasn't
just about sex, obviously. If it had been, Ryan would have wanted to
head straight for the bedroom the minute I walked through the door.
Instead we'd been talking and laughing together, making me feel like
there could actually be something more between us. And then his words
had brought reality crashing in. There could never be anything serious
or long lasting between us, not as long as Ryan had a career to protect.
     "Come on. I know something that will put a smile back on your
face," Ryan said standing up. He held out a hand towards me, and for an
instant I debated taking it. I was letting myself in for nothing but
heartbreak and pain, my brain told me. But looking into Ryan's beautiful
face as he held out his hand, I knew I really had no choice. I loved
him. It was that simple, that insane, that real.
     I took his hand and stood up, expecting to be lead to the bedroom
again. Instead Ryan suddenly pulled me close and, looking into my eyes,
flashed his killer grin.
     "Can I have this dance?" he asked. I laughed, in spite of myself,
and a genuine smile returned to my face.
     Ryan and I began to dance slowly around the living room. It felt so
wonderful, being held in his strong arms, my head on his shoulder, our
bodies close together as we moved in rhythm. I closed my eyes and just
lived for that moment. I never wanted it to end. Maybe Ryan felt the
same way, because we danced on and on, even when the last of the CD's
he'd put on ended. We danced, holding each other tightly, to no other
music than the beating of our hearts.
     "It's late," Ryan's voice sounded softly in my ear finally,
bringing me out of my reverie.
     "Shhh. Time doesn't exist," I said, my eyes still closed.
     "I wish that was true. But unless you want to sleep through the
last day I have here in L.A., we'd better get some rest," Ryan
whispered.
     I raised my head, smiling as I looked into his eyes. He leaned
forward and our mouths met again. The kiss was soft and gentle, yet
filled with a passion that shocked me. When he pulled away we both went
towards the bedroom without saying another word.
     Ryan pulled back the blankets on his bed and turned towards me,
lifting my shirt off over my head. I reached down and gently lifted his
own t-shirt off, once again marvelling at the sight of his beautiful
chest and his flat, washboard stomach. I leaned forward and gently
licked his nipples.
     Ryan moaned softly as I continued kissing and licking my way down
his chest. When I reached his belly button I slowly undid his slacks and
pulled them down, revealing the same silk boxers I'd seen him slip on
that afternoon.
     Before I could go any further, Ryan took me by the arm and stood me
back up. He reached down and undid my jeans and let them fall to the
floor. Stepping forward, he kissed me again, running one hand down my
back and letting it stop on my ass. He gently pushed me forward,
pressing our underwear clad crotches together. We both moaned.
     Ryan pulled away again, this time looking at the clock. It was
already past three a.m. "Seth, we should get some sleep. I don't want to
sleep all day tomorrow. I want to spend it with you," he said. I smiled,
once again feeling overwhelmed by the fact that Ryan didn't think of me
as just someone to have sex with.
     "Ryan, that's what an alarm clock is for," I smiled, gently pushing
him back on the bed. Ryan grinned and I grabbed onto the top of his
boxers and sank down to my knees, pulling them down with me.
     I began to slowly kiss my way up his legs until I reached his
thighs. I lightly flicked my tongue over Ryan's inner thigh, making him
moan softly. I licked my way around his cock slowly, teasingly. I gently
sucked his balls into my mouth, one after the other.
     "Oh......man......Seth, that's driving me crazy!" Ryan moaned. I
looked up at him, lying with his naked body half on the bed and half
off. He'd thrown one arm across his eyes and had the other extended
down, his hand resting on the back of my head.
     I moved upwards slightly and gently ran my tongue across the tip of
his cock, causing him to gasp and thrust his hips upward. Feeling I'd
teased him enough, I leaned forward and gently took his cock between my
lips. Ryan began to moan loudly as I worked as much of his eight inches
down my throat as I could. I discovered that I could only take about six
inches, but Ryan didn't seem to mind. He was thrusting his hips forward,
his hand pushing my head downwards, his voice passing the moaning stage
and moving towards an outright scream.
     "Oh God! Seth yes.......damn that feels so good........" he
shouted. I slid my free hand up his body and ran a finger across Ryan's
lips. He opened his mouth slightly, letting me slip my finger in. He
gently began mimicking my own mouth's motions, sucking my finger slowly.
After a few moments I removed it from his mouth and brought my arm back
down, where I very gently began to rub Ryan's asshole with the finger
he'd sucked on. This drove Ryan even more crazy and he began to really
buck his hips, forcing his cock even farther down my throat.
     Ryan gasped as I delicately pushed the finger inside of him. After
a few moments I began to slide it slowly in and out to the same rhythm
that I bobbed my head up and down on his cock. It only took a few
minutes of this before Ryan gasped again and, grabbing onto my head with
both hands, held me firmly in place. I continued to slide my finger in
and out of him as I felt the first hot stream of Ryan's bittersweet cum
enter my throat. I began to swallow it quickly, trying to keep up, but
it seemed the flow would never end.
     Ryan suddenly collapsed backwards, breathing heavily. I slowly
released his cock from my mouth and crawled up on the bed next to him.
He turned his heads towards mine, still panting and trying to catch his
breath.
     "Oh..... my God, Seth. That was......I've never.... even felt
so......Wow," Ryan smiled, at a loss for words. I leaned forward and
gently kissed him. He turned over on his side, our faces inches apart,
and looked into my eyes.
     "What about you?" he asked, smiling again.
     "That's okay. We definitely have to get some sleep. We can finish
this tomorrow," I said, my eyes feeling heavy. Ryan sat up and moved
back towards the top of the bed. I followed suit and we both slid under
the covers. Ryan quickly reached over to the bedside clock and set the
alarm for nine a.m.
     My eyelids were too heavy to keep open. I was close to drifting off
when I suddenly felt Ryan's warm hand wrap itself around my still semi
hard cock.
     "What are you doing?" I asked groggily.
     "Shhh. Just making sure it's not a one sided thing," Ryan said,
echoing my own words of the day before.
     Ryan began to slowly stroke my cock up and down, sending shivers
rushing from my head to my toes. He was leaning close to me to do so and
I could feel his warm breath on my face. I began to moan as his hand
worked it's magic. I felt almost as if I were floating above the bed on
a cloud of pleasure.
     It didn't take very long before I clenched the sheets and let out a
loud gasp as I came all over Ryan's hand and my own stomach and chest.
Ryan leaned forward and slowly licked the cum off of me and then off of
his own hand. Then he kissed my lips softly.
     "Good Night," Ryan whispered in the dark.
     "I love you," I mumbled, more than half asleep.

			     ****************

     The buzzing of the alarm clock woke me up. The room was filled with
sunlight, but it hadn't reached the bed yet. I leaned over and turned
the alarm off. I sat up, looking sleepily around the room, as I tried to
get my bearings. All of a sudden it dawned on me that I was alone. Ryan
was nowhere to be see. I looked towards the bathroom, but the door was
open and the light was out.
     My final words of the night before hit me, and I groaned, falling
backwards in the bed. I love you. I'd told Ryan I loved him, then fallen
asleep. I'd know the man for less than forty eight hours and I'd told
him I loved him! Was it any wonder he was nowhere to be found?
     I slowly got out of bed, slipping on my discarded boxer-briefs from
the pile of clothes beside it. I made my way out into the living room,
my heart pounding. Stupid, stupid, stupid, the word ran through my head
over and over. The living room was empty, the remains of our early
morning dinner still sitting out on the table.  I walked across the
entry hall into the kitchen, which was also vacant.
     Wandering back into the living room, I noticed for the first time a
door on the far side of the room. Making my way to it, I opened it, not
sure what to expect. There were three steps, and then another door.
Going down, I opened the second door.
     The sight that opened up before me made me catch my breath. The
room itself was filled with several exercise machines and a weight
lifting bench. But my eyes were riveted to the wall opposite the door,
where Ryan was dancing about, jabbing at a punching bag. He was only
wearing a pair of gray shorts and his entire body was covered in sweat,
like he'd been working out for hours.
     Ryan caught site of me in the mirror behind the punching bag and
stopped dead in his tracks. We stared at each other in the mirror,
neither saying a word. Finally, I couldn't take it any longer.
     "Good Morning," I said cautiously. Ryan turned around slowly to
face me, wiping a hand across his sweaty face.
     "Morning," was all he said. We continued to stand there awkwardly
in silence.
     "Ryan. I'm sorry about...." I let my voice trail off, not even sure
if I should be apologizing for something that, no matter how stupid it
was to voice it, was the truth.
     "Seth. Um... Listen. I've been doing a lot of thinking," Ryan said
slowly, gesturing to the punching bag behind him. "This thing has kind
of gotten out of hand." I stood there, my heart suddenly frozen. I knew
what was coming, but I couldn't believe it.
     "I'm leaving tomorrow morning to do a movie. I don't have time for
something so.... Look, I'm already in a relationship. With Reese," Ryan
said.
     "But you said.... Ryan, you're gay," I stuttered, trying to hold
back a wave of emotion that threatened to engulf me. Ryan sighed softly,
walking a few steps towards me.
     "Seth. I can't do this. I can't get involved with you. This was a
mistake, MY mistake. I shouldn't ever have let myself....." Ryan almost
looked like he was going to cry.
     "Shouldn't have let yourself what? Do what is only natural to you,
to both of us? Why should you have to be with Reese, Ryan? You don't
love her. It's-"
     "Seth! You don't know anything about my relationship with her,
okay?" Ryan suddenly sounded angry.
     "So you're telling me that you do have a real relationship with
Reese?" I asked, the disbelief obvious in my voice.
     "No. I don't. But that's not the point. The point is that I can't
have a relationship with YOU. Or with any guy. I just can't," Ryan said,
turning away from me.
     "Ryan that's so ridiculous. You're a grown man. And you're gay. Why
should you have to......" I stopped, realizing how pointless such a
question was. "Ryan, I'm sorry about telling you I love you. I know it
was a little premature."
     "No, Seth. It wasn't premature. It was an eye opener. It showed me
that what I'm doing is wrong. I can't toy with you like this, not when I
know you can't be a part of my life," Ryan said, looking at my again in
the mirror.
     "Toy with me? Ryan, come on. We both know that what's going on is
much deeper than that," I said.
     Ryan and I continued to stare at each other and I felt a pang of
fear. WAS it more that that for him? Yes, I was sure it was. I was sure
I'd seen the same feelings in his eyes that I'd felt inside.
     "No, Seth. It's not," Ryan said.
     "Ryan, look me in the eye and tell me that. Tell me that we haven't
been feeling the same feelings for each other," I begged, my voice
cracking despite myself.
     Ryan turned and walked towards me, stopping only when our faces
were a few inches apart. "I'm sorry, Seth. I don't feel anything like
that for you," Ryan said. I stared back into his crystal blue eyes,
waiting for some sign that what he said wasn't true.
     It didn't come. I turned and walked out the door, back up the steps
into the living room. The sight of our meal and the recollection of our
dancing was like a stake through my heart. A sob escaped my mouth, for
which I felt even more stupid. I went into the bedroom where I hastily
pulled on my clothes, tears blurring my eye
sight.
     I walked back out, right past Ryan, who was standing in the living
room. "Seth...." he called out as I passed. I never turned around, not
wanting him to see my face and the tears pouring down it. I went
straight out the front door to my car and drove back to my apartment,
sobbing like an idiot all the way.
     After several minutes of sitting in my car in the parking garage,
sobbing until I felt sick, I stumbled out and made my way up to my
apartment. Collapsing down on the sofa, I shook my head. What had I
expected? Why had I even let myself get into the situation to begin
with?
     I don't know how long I sat there, staring off into space. I didn't
even feel I had enough energy left to cry. Finally I made my way in to
the bathroom and took a long shower to clear my head.
     I moped around my apartment for a few hours, trying to push any
thoughts of Ryan out of my mind. When I realized that wasn't going to
happen, I decided to take my mind off things by working. I drove over to
the studio, where Sam was surprised to see me.
     "Trying to get ahead of the game, eh?" Sam smiled. I nodded,
putting on my best fake smile. "Yeah, Sam. Something like that." I
parked in the studio lot and made my way to the writers' offices. The
entire place was quiet, everyone else being off with their families and
the people they loved......
     I shook my head, pushing that thought out. I sat down at the desk
and began to look over the outline for next week's script, which had the
scenes I was to write highlighted.
     It took several false starts for me to realize that trying to work
was going to be just a futile as sitting around my apartment moping. My
mind just kept going back to Ryan. I made my way back out to the parking
lot, and left the studio. I drove towards my apartment, feeling
emotionally empty.
     I got off the elevator and walked down the hall slowly, my head
down. When I did glance up, I froze in my tracks. Ryan was sitting in
front of my door. We stared at each other, neither moving a muscle.
     I finally moved forward and Ryan stood up. We remained silent as I
unlocked my door and he followed me inside. I heard him close the door,
but I didn't turn around. I knew I couldn't look him in the face, not
without breaking down again.
     "You left this by my bed," Ryan said softly, putting my wallet on
the table, next to the answering machine.
     "Thank you. Have a nice trip Ryan. I hope the movie works out
well," I said, still not turning around.
     "Seth....." Ryan put a hand on my shoulder, but I shrugged it off.
     "Ryan, you said everything that had to be said. It's okay. I'm not
going to hold anything against you. We just weren't on the same level, I
guess," I said, trying desperately to keep my voice steady.
     "Seth," Ryan put his hand on my shoulder again. I tried to shrug it
off, but this time he strengthened his grip and forced me to turn
around. I couldn't bring myself to look him in the eye, so I focused my
attention on his left shoulder.
     "Just go, Ryan. Please," I whispered.
     "Seth," Ryan said again, putting his hand under my chin and raising
my head, looking into my eyes. "I lied."
     "What?" I asked, feeling confused.
     "When I said I didn't feel anything like that for you. I lied,"
Ryan said, and I noticed his eyes looked liked he'd been crying.
     "What are you saying, Ryan?" I asked.
     "Seth, when you said you loved me last night...." Ryan stopped,
looking down at the floor. I remained silent, my heart pounding.
     "It scared me. That's not even the right word for what I felt.
Because..... Damn it, Seth. I feel the exact same way. I love you. And I
can't love you. I just can't. I've put these feelings, these emotions
aside for so long. I have everything set up just perfectly, Seth. My
career, Reese. She's a good person. I thought I could fall in love with
her, eventually," Ryan stumbled on.
     I remained silent. Ryan looked into my eyes again, tears rolling
slowly down his face. "Seth. You've broken it all to pieces. The whole
damn thing, because it wasn't real. Now all I can think of is you. All I
want is to be with you," Ryan said.
     "But you can't," I reminded him softly. Ryan ran a hand through his
hair and for a moment I could almost feel his curly blonde locks between
my own fingers.
     "You said it, Seth. I'm a grown man and I'm gay. Why shouldn't I be
with the person I want to be with?" Ryan put a hand on my face and wiped
away the tears. My heart felt constricted as I stared back at him with
disbelief.
     "Are you saying...." I stumbled, not sure how to put it into words.
     "I'm saying that when you ran out of my house and I thought I was
never going to see you again, I didn't even want to go on living," Ryan
said, suddenly pulling me into an embrace.
     When we pulled apart I ran my hands through his hair and smiled.
"Now what, Mr. Phillippe?" I asked. Ryan glanced at his watch.
     "It's two o'clock. We still have the rest of the day," he said.
     "And then?"
     "And then, we call each other every night for eight weeks until I
get back. It won't be the end. It's just the beginning," Ryan said,
leaning forward to kiss me again.

 ****To Be Continued
Please send any comments or suggestions to justins_boy@hotmail.com.
Thanks!