Date: Fri, 26 Feb 1999 21:36:47 PST
From: Justin's Boy <justins_boy@hotmail.com>
Subject: Ryan's Love 5

 ***This is a work of fiction. It's not meant to imply anything about 
the actual sexuality of Ryan Phillippe or anyone else mentioned.     

     Ryan's soft lips brushed against mine. I smiled, looking into his 
deep crystal blue eyes. I started to reach my hand up, to run my fingers 
through his curly blonde hair-
     The telephone rang, instantly jolting me out of my dream. I was 
alone in my own bed and Ryan was all the way across the continent, in 
New York. I sighed, reaching for the phone.
     "Hello?" I asked groggily.
     "Don't tell me you were still asleep?" Ryan's voice sounded in my 
ear, filled with amusement. Every nerve in my body suddenly tingled, 
just from hearing his voice. He'd already been gone for two weeks, and 
they'd been the longest, emptiest two weeks of my life.
     "What time is it?" I asked, stifling a yawn.
     "It's one o'clock here, so I guess it's 10 there. Should I be 
jealous that you're still in bed at this hour?" Ryan asked. I could just 
picture his eyes sparkling with humor.
     "Only if your jealous of a few pillows. That's about all the 
company I have," I yawned again. "I didn't get home until early this 
morning."
     "Okay, what's his name? I'm putting a hit out on him," Ryan 
laughed. I smiled, my eyes closed. I could picture every detail of 
Ryan's face as he talked.
     "His name if Felicity," I sighed.
     "Yeah. You guys taped yesterday, didn't you?" Ryan asked. I nodded, 
as if he could see me. It really felt like he was right there with me, 
lying next to me in bed.
     "Yes. It was a long day. Half the scenes had to be rewritten 
because the actor they'd hired to guest this week showed up with a cast 
on his leg," I sighed again, recalling the tedious day that had seemed 
like it would never end.
     "But what about you? How's the movie going?" I asked. 
     "Well...... it's going," Ryan sighed.
     "That good, huh?"
     "Reese and I aren't exactly the perfect team these days. It might 
work better if the plot called for her to torture and kill me, that she 
could do very well. But love isn't an easy emotion for us to play at the 
moment," Ryan said. He'd already filled me in on how he'd broken the 
news to Reese, right after arriving in New York, that he couldn't be 
involved with her any more. 
     "I'm sorry. I feel like it's all my fault," I said, a pang of guilt 
attacking me. 
     "Hey, don't you worry about it. It had to end sooner or later. I 
just think maybe I should have waited until the movie was in the can," 
Ryan said. 
     "I know. But I think it's for the best. Now she can move on and 
find someone who can truly love her. And you and I....." I let my voice 
drift off with a happy sigh.
     "Yeah. You and I can talk on the phone," Ryan said, sounding 
frustrated. 
     "Tell me about it. But it's only six more weeks. That's what I keep 
telling myself," I sighed again, this time sadly.
     "I'm going crazy, Seth. I miss you so much. I just want to hold 
you, kiss you, do all sorts of naughty things to you," Ryan said softly. 
     "Mmmmmmm.... that sounds like Heaven. How are we going to survive 
six more weeks apart? I feel like you've already been gone for years," I 
groaned. 
     "Me too. Can't you get some time off, maybe just a weekend, and fly 
out here?" Ryan asked. For a moment I smiled, letting myself imagine I 
was there with him.
     "I don't think so. I'm still the new kid on the block around here. 
Heavy emphasis on Kid, by the way. It's going to take a lot of hard work 
before anyone will really take me seriously, just because I'm so young. 
I can't afford to take time off," I said.
     "I wish I could get away. They have us so heavily scheduled, 
though. I might be able to get a weekend off towards the end of the 
shoot. If I don't explode first," Ryan moaned.
     "That would make for a great Enquirer cover story, huh? Hunky actor 
explodes from pent up lust," I laughed. 
     "Hey, it's not so funny from my point of view. I'm the hunky actor, 
remember?" Ryan chuckled. Then I could hear voices in the background and 
Ryan sighed again.
     "Seth, I have to go already. They're ready for the next scene. I'll 
call you later tonight, okay? Around nine o'clock, I guess. I miss you," 
he said softly.
     "I miss you, too. I love you," I said.
     "Me too. Talk to you later," Ryan said. I could tell by the low 
level of his voice that someone was listening to him talk from his end.
     "All right. Good bye," I said. I hung up the phone and stared at 
the ceiling. Ryan had only been in my life for a matter of days before 
he'd had to leave, but it felt like he'd been a part of my very soul 
forever. 
     I got out of bed and stumbled into the bathroom. A nice long shower 
finally woke me up all the way. I slipped on a pair of sweats and a 
t-shirt and looked at myself in the mirror. There were dark bags under 
my eyes, but the rest of the face that stared back at me seemed composed 
and youthful. Too youthful, I silently criticized.
     Twenty minutes later I was in my car, heading for the gym. When I'd 
first moved to L.A. I'd been amazed at the number of stars who worked 
out in gyms right along with the public. It seemed to me they'd want 
some privacy and could easily afford personal trainers. It didn't take 
long before I realized that they were there to be seen and admired. The 
ego of the average star was a very fragile thing that needed constant 
reinforcement.
     It took only a brief moment for my eyes to sweep across the gym in 
the very-Hollywood act of seeing which of the other gym goers were 
SOMEBODY. Surprisingly, the only star in sight was one of the Baywatch 
hunks. I began to workout furiously, trying to burn off the frustration 
and sexual tension that was building up inside of me. The need to just 
see Ryan, to run my hands through his hair, to kiss his lips, was almost 
overwhelming.
     "Trying to be the next Schwarzenegger?" a familiar voice asked from 
behind me after I'd been working out for over an hour. I glanced up at 
the mirrored wall and saw Scott Foley standing behind me.
     "No. Just trying to keep in shape. I have to compete with all of 
you actors, you know," I smiled. Scott laughed. He was wearing a t-shirt 
and shorts and carrying a gym bag.
     "Good work yesterday," I said. A lot of the scenes that had been 
affected by the last minute re-writes had featured Scott.
     "Ugh, don't remind me. I didn't think we'd ever finish," Scott 
groaned, putting down his bag and getting on the machine beside mine. We 
worked out in silence for another ten minutes and then I got up and 
grabbed the bottle of water from my own gym bag.
     "Whew. I think that's enough for one day," I said, stretching. 
Scott stopped, too, and stood up.
     "I hate gyms," he sighed.
     "Why?"
     "Well, probably because I hate working out. If I didn't come to the 
gym, though, I'd never do it at home. Too many distractions. Damn, I 
should have become an accountant or something. Then I wouldn't have to 
worry about doing scenes with my shirt off," he laughed. I smiled, 
unconsciously letting my eyes flick down and take in Scott's physique.
     "Have fun. I'll see you around at the studio," I smiled, picking up 
my bag.
     "Okay. See you," Scott said. He got back on the machine and I made 
my way into the men's showers. There were one or two guys in the locker 
room, but the showers themselves were empty. I turned on the water and 
let it soak into my body, which was already starting to feel sore. I 
guess I overdid it a little, I thought. 
     For some reason, an image of Ryan in his home gym, shirtless and 
sweating as he danced around the punching bag, popped into my head. I 
tried to banish it, but it was too late. I felt a familiar stirring in 
my loins. I glanced around quickly, but the showers were still empty. I 
began to hurry, trying to get the soap off of my body. 
     I was just ready to turn off the water and make a dash for my towel 
to cover myself before anyone saw me when I heard someone come into the 
showers whistling. I groaned inwardly, keeping my back towards the 
entrance. I tried to think of the most unpleasant, disgusting thoughts 
imaginable, but no matter what I thought of, Ryan's perfect image came 
along with it and I couldn't get rid of my hard on.
     I casually glanced over my shoulder towards the sound of the 
whistling. I felt an even bigger surge of panic when I saw Scott 
standing under the water, his eyes closed. It was bad enough that I had 
a hard on, but if Scott were to see it, he might think it was because of 
him and get the wrong idea. That would certainly make things awkward 
around the studio. He'd been okay with the fact that I was gay, so far, 
but if he thought I had designs on him it might bother him.
     His eyes were still closed. Maybe if I made a quick dash for the 
entrance I could get through without him seeing me. I slowly turned off 
the water, afraid to make a noise. Then, trying to act casual in case he 
did open his eyes, I began to make my way to the gap in the shower wall 
that led into the locker room. It was hardly a long walk, but it seemed 
to take an eternity. I was almost there when I felt something soft and 
slimy under my left foot. In the next instant, my feet were flying out 
in front of me and I was falling backwards.
     For a few moments I laid there, staring up at the shower ceiling. 
The back of my head ached, but I didn't notice any pain elsewhere on my 
body. Then, Scott's worried face came into view above me. I stared back 
at it, wondering if there was any possible way this could all turn out 
to be a bad dream.
     "Seth? Are you okay? Seth?" Scott asked, looking worried. I slowly 
struggled to sit up and Scott leant down and put a hand on my back to 
help me.
     "Are you okay?" he asked again. I nodded my head, then regretted 
doing so as a throbbing pain began to pulse inside my brain. For a 
moment, I sat there, Scott standing behind me. Maybe I was a little 
dazed, because at first I didn't realize I was still naked. Slowly it 
began to dawn on me, though, that not only was I naked, but I was still 
more than semi erect.
     Blushing furiously, I stood up. I turned around to thank Scott, but 
caught sight of his own nude body. He still had soap lathered on his 
chest, matting down the light tuft of hair at it's center. 
     I realized I was staring, and blushed even an even deeper shade of 
red. Scott was looking embarrassed, too, and it was obvious he didn't 
know where to look. His eyes danced around the showers, up at the 
ceiling, down at the floor, towards me, then away quickly.
     "Thanks, Scott. I'm fine. Just clumsy. I'll see you later," I said 
quickly and exited the shower. Grabbing my towel I dried myself off and 
quickly pulled on some fresh clothes. Stupid. Idiot. Dumbass. Clumsy. 
Freak. The words ran through my mind as I banged my head lightly against 
the locker. Things were definitely going to be awkward with Scott after 
that little display.
     I drove back to my apartment, still blushing. I relived the 
humiliating moment at least a dozen times in the short drive. My mind 
was diverted, however, the moment I got off the elevator on my floor. 
Ashley was standing there, waiting to go back down to the lobby.
     "SETH! Where have you BEEN? I haven't seen you in WEEKS!" she 
practically shouted. She grabbed my by the arm and pulled me out of the 
elevator and down towards my apartment.
     "I just left you a note on your door! But now we can have a nice 
long talk!" she declared as I unlocked my door. We stepped inside and 
Ashley turned around, crossing her arms and staring me straight in the 
face.
     "Okay, SPILL. Who is he?" she asked, smiling. I couldn't help but 
smile back as I shook my head.
     "Ashley, what makes you think there's a he in my life?" I 
innocently questioned.
     "Oh, come on! I haven't heard from you since the last time we went 
to a club. I left you there, talking very intensely to some hottie, and 
you never even COMPLAINED about it. If you hadn't met someone, you would 
have let me have it for ditching you!" Ashley declared triumphantly. 
"Now, who is HE?"
     I smiled, knowing that I couldn't escape from her questions. "Okay, 
Ashley. Yes. I did meet a man that night. A wonderful, beautiful man," I 
sighed, smiling.
     "AND?"
     "And what? We're seeing each other. But he's out of town at the 
moment," I said, shrugging as if it were all no big deal.
     "You're seeing each other? How serious is it?" Ashley asked. 
     "Pretty serious," I admitted, smiling that goofy lovesick smile 
that I often felt crossing my face when I thought of Ryan.
     "OH! That's so great, Seth! What's his name?" Ashley practically 
jumped up and down with excitement.
     I hesitated. Ryan and I had decided to pursue a serious 
relationship and he'd decided to end the charade with Reese, but he 
still had to remain very much in the closet, for the sake of his career. 
     "Ryan, that's so Eisenhower administration. It's 1999, for God's 
sake. How is being gay going to hurt your career? Does it make you any 
less attractive? Are all the girls who think you're sexy going to 
suddenly find you ugly? I don't think so!" I'd said. We'd been laying in 
my bed, entwined in each others arms after our make up, the afternoon 
before he left. Ryan had sighed and explained that his managers and 
agent had made it clear that coming out would affect the sort of roles 
he would get. I thought it was all ridiculous, but had agreed to keep 
things quiet, for his sake.
     "It's Ryan," I said. It was a common enough name, I reflected. 
Ashley nodded and raised her eyebrows with expectation. 
     "Well, does Ryan have a last name, or is he like Madonna and Cher?" 
she asked when I said no more. 
     "Crane," I said, saying the first name that came to mind. Crane. 
That was stupid, Scott Foley's character on the show was Noel Crane. 
Would Ashley pick up on that fact? I waited a little nervously.
     "Ryan Crane. Sounds sexy," she smiled. Ashley insisted that I tell 
her all about Ryan, and I told her what I could without giving anything 
away. 
     "So, since Ryan's out of town, let's hit a club tonight," she said 
after we'd been talking for awhile. 
     "Oh, I don't really feel like going out, Ash. It wouldn't be much 
fun for me," I said. For once, Ashley took no for an answer. I promised 
to call her in a few days and we said our good byes.
     I spent the rest of the afternoon doing all the little odds and 
ends we never have time to do until we have a day off. Ryan called at 
six o'clock, nine his time, but it was only to tell me that he couldn't 
talk after all. He had to go to a party the producers were throwing. 
     "I'd much rather talk to you, babe. But you know how it is," Ryan 
sighed.
     "Yeah. It's okay. Just don't have too much fun," I  said.
     "Without you here, it's not possible to have any fun. I love you," 
Ryan said. I smiled, my heart once again filling with emotions.
     "I love you, too." I said softly.
     Another hour passed. I flicked through the television restlessly. 
You'd think with seventy channels there would be at least one show on 
that could hold a person's interest, I reflected sourly. Around seven 
o'clock, the phone rang again. For an instant, I thought it might be 
Ryan, but then I knew it wasn't. He was at a party in New York, having 
(not too much) fun.
     "Hello?" I answered.
     "Seth? It's AJ," a woman's voice replied.
     "Hey AJ! What's up?" I asked. AJ was the nickname of Amy Jo 
Johnson, the actress who played Julie on the show. We'd hung out a few 
times at the studio and had developed an at-work friendship that so far 
hadn't translated over into our personal lives.
     "I am so bored tonight. I was wondering if you wanted to do 
something? Just rent some videos and hang out?" AJ asked.
     "You know, I'm going out of my mind with boredom. That sounds like 
a great plan. My place or yours?" I asked.
     "How about if I get the videos and meet you over there?" AJ asked. 
I said that sounded great and gave her the directions.
     "What should I rent? Any preferences?" she asked.
     "No, you choose. I have complete faith in your good taste," I 
laughed.
     "Okay. I'll see you soon," AJ hung up.
     I quickly tided up the apartment and dug through the cupboards 
looking for popcorn. I'd finished off the last of the microwave kind the 
week before while sitting morosely in front of the TV missing Ryan, so I 
dug out an old bag of kernels and the dusty pop corn popper that I'd 
gotten in college.
     The last of the kernels were just finishing popping when the 
doorbell rang. I answered with a smile, which quickly froze. AJ was 
standing there, smiling, with Scott Foley standing behind her in the 
hall.
     "Come in," I said. I was careful not to make eye contact with Scott 
and I felt myself blushing a little as I again replayed the mortifying 
shower scene in my head.
     "Thanks. I hope you don't mind that I included Scott. He called 
just as I was on my way out, so I invited him," AJ explained. 
     "No, not at all. You guys make yourselves comfortable. I'm just 
going to grab the popcorn from the kitchen," I smiled, still not looking 
directly at Scott.
     When I returned with the popcorn, Amy Jo was sitting cross legged 
on one side of the sofa and Scott had chosen the arm chair next to her. 
I sat the popcorn down on the coffee table between them and sat in the 
middle of the sofa next to AJ.
     "So, what movies did you get?" I asked.
     AJ pulled a plastic bag up from the floor and took out three video 
tapes. "Well, I couldn't decide on any one movie. So, I got this, which 
is supposed to be really good," she said, handing me 'Love and Death on 
Long Island.' "It's a more serious movie, of course. But hey, Jason 
Priestly's a hottie, right?" AJ grinned. Then she handed me the second 
tape. "Or, we could go with a comedy, so I got this." I looked down at 
choice two, 'There's Something About Mary.' 
     "Or, if we want to go with a more serious, but not Oscar Contender 
serious, type movie, I got this," AJ concluded, handing me choice three. 
I couldn't help but smile when I realized it was '54', one of Ryan's 
movies.
     "Choices, choices," I smiled. "Any one of them is fine with me. 
I've already seen 'There's Something About Mary,' though," I said.
     "Okay. Let's watch '54' then. I'm not in the mood for a heavy movie 
that makes you think, even if it has Jason Priestly in it. Besides, '54' 
has Ryan Phillippe. Now there's a hottie,"  AJ concluded. Scott said 
'54' was fine with him and I slipped the movie in the VCR.
     For over an hour, I sat in my living room with AJ and Scott, 
staring at Ryan's beautiful face. AJ whistled a few times during his 
more risque scenes and I smiled at her each time, feeling a little 
elated. Ryan was all mine, even though I couldn't tell anyone.
     When the movie ended, it was still early. AJ stood up and 
stretched. "Let's watch another. Do you think you could sit through 
'There's Something About Mary' a second time?" she asked. 
     "Oh, I think I can survive a second viewing," I smiled.
     "Okay. Where's the bathroom? I want to use it before we put we 
start the movie," AJ said. I told her it was just around the corner, 
first door on the left. Once she was gone, Scott and I sat in an awkward 
silence that grew longer and longer. Finally, I couldn't bear it any 
more.
     "So, what did you think of '54'?" I asked.
     "It was good," Scott said. We sat in silence for a few more 
seconds. This is just great, I thought. From now on, things are always 
going to be this tense between us. I had to do something.
     "Scott, listen. About this afternoon," I started. Then, my mind 
just blanked. I couldn't thing of a thing to say. I blushed and sat 
there, my mouth open, trying to form a sentence that would ease the 
situation.
     "Seth, don't worry about it. It's no big deal. I was just 
surprised, that's all. I didn't....." Scott let his voice trail off as I 
felt my face catch fire. I knew I must be a deeper shade of red than I'd 
ever been before. "I didn't think you were attracted to me," Scott 
finished.
     For a moment, I sat there, stunned. I wasn't quite sure how to take 
that. I was just opening my mouth to reply when AJ returned and the 
subject was dropped as we put the movie on.
     "Well, I'm beat," AJ said when the movie ended. "This was fun. It's 
nice to just sit around and be a normal person," she smiled.
     "Welcome to my world," I laughed. AJ smiled and kissed me on the 
cheek. 
     "I'll see you guys later," she said, making her way to the door. I 
was a little surprised that Scott didn't immediately follow, but then I 
realized that they would have arrived in separate cars.
     "I should go, too," Scott said once AJ was gone. He started to put 
on his coat. 
     "Scott, listen. About what you said. Of course I'm attracted to 
you, you're a good looking guy. But that doesn't mean-" Scott suddenly 
stepped forward and lightly kissed my lips, stopping me from finishing 
my sentence.
     "What the hell?" I blurted out, truly shocked.
     "It's okay, Seth. I have difficulty with telling people that I'm 
gay. I don't know, I guess it's just one of my insecurities. I can't 
stand the thought of being  rejected. But now that I know you're 
attracted to me, too......" Scott let his voice trail off and smiled, 
looking me in the eyes. "Well, I wanted to kiss you so badly all through 
the movies," he grinned.
     My heart was pounding. This couldn't be happening, my mind 
screamed. Scott thought I was interested in him. He'd kissed me! Ryan. 
Ryan's grin flashed through my mind. 
     "Scott. I'm not sure what to say. I'm really flattered. You're a 
great guy. But I'm....." I stopped, looking at his face which suddenly 
looked uncertain. "Scott, I'm involved with someone," I finished. 
     Scott looked stricken. He blushed and looked everywhere but at my 
face. "Oh. I didn't...... It's just, you've been acting kind of sad 
lately, so I thought it hadn't worked out. You know, with the guy on 
your machine. And then, in the shower today....well, you know. I'm 
sorry," he stuttered.
     "Scott, there's no need to apologize. I can understand how you got 
the idea. But I'm in love with someone else. I'm sorry. If you'd kissed 
me three weeks ago, I'd have been over the moon," I smiled, trying to 
lighten the situation. 
     "I always hesitate too long," Scott sighed. He finally looked me in 
the eye again and smiled. "Well, I should go then."
     "Okay. I'll see you at the studio," I said, moving forward to open 
the door for him. 
     Scott deftly grabbed me and pulled me into a passionate kiss. This 
was no light peck on the lips. His tongue danced around my mouth and his 
hands ran up and down my back. I stood there, motionless, my mind 
reeling.
     "Sorry," Scott said breathlessly, pulling away. "I just had to." He 
opened the door and made a hasty exit. I stood there in the entry hall 
for what seemed an eternity, not certain if what had just happened was 
real, or a crazy dream.
     The phone rang. I picked it up slowly, still in a daze.
     "Hello?"
     "Hi babe. It's me. I had to hear your voice again," Ryan said. "So, 
what did you do tonight?"


*****To Be Continued Please send any comments or suggestions to 
justins_boy@hotmail.com Thanks!