Date: Sat, 7 Feb 2004 19:26:16 -0800 (PST) From: Author James <authorjames2002@yahoo.com> Subject: The Shadow Chapter 13 You Can Still Be Free Disclaimer: This story is a work of fiction. I do not know the sexual orientation of any of the celebrities who will be appearing in the story. WARNING: The character does not have a happy life and will not have very many happy events in his life. If this kind of stuff bothers you, I do not recommend reading. Otherwise, enjoy. The Shadow created by Street and Smith, Walter B. Gibson. Copyright Advance Magazine Publishing Inc. Author's email address: authorjames2002@yahoo.com Chapter 13 You Can Still Be Free Eric realized that he wasn't going to get anywhere with Roy and Robert in the room. He also realized that the place they were in was not conducive to conversation of such a serious nature. From what Robert said, this young man was dark for his age. He also was singularly focused on this "mission" of his. "Let's go outside," Eric suggested. "Why?" the Shadow asked. "I figured it would be more relaxing if we went some place more private." "And you're suggesting outside?" Roy said. "It's away from others. You would be amazed the privacy one has among throngs of thousands." Eric made eye contact with the Shadow, hinting at what he felt the Shadow felt. The Shadow nodded. "We'll be outside." With that, the Shadow and Eric went out the side door into the alley. "What's this about?" the youth asked the psychologist-in-training. "I'm a friend of Robert's. He says that you've been separated from everyone and everything. Want to talk about it?" "Not really." "Would you mind if I talked about what I've gone through?" "What could you have possibly gone through?" "Someone nearly killed me. I forgot who I was. Someone, a different person, took care of me, but he lied to me. He told me that he and I were together. When I remembered, I was so angry at him." "Sounds like you had a right to be angry." "I did. And I should have dealt with the anger and left it with him. But that didn't happen. I kept the anger in me for weeks. It nearly destroyed me and my relationship with my husband." "Husband? I thought this country didn't allow same-sex marriages?" "It doesn't. But marriage is more than just a legal agreement. The country could allow gay men and lesbians to marry and have all the benefits that heterosexual couples get, and it wouldn't harm them in the least. The people of this country need to get over their illusions of conformity and likeness and allow those who are different to have the same rights. But that isn't the issue. "The relationship I have with my partner is the same level of emotion that most heterosexual couples have. In our hearts, we are married. We are committed to one another. And if I hadn't gotten over the anger that was in my heart, I could have harmed him emotionally. The love that he and I share would have been ruined. That would have been wrong." "Why are you telling me all this?" "From what Robert says, you seem to have a death wish as well as an obsession with helping these people. Usually those come from a need to feel and a need to help." The Shadow began to discredit the assessments, but Eric recognized the discrediting as a means to hide. "You don't have to be ashamed to want to help and want to feel. Like I said before, I've been there. Whatever is said here with me stays here with me. I promise." The Shadow looked down, away from the psychologist-in-training. When he looked up tears filled his eyes. "None of them know what I've gone through. They can't know. They can't understand." "I'll bet I could." "Do you really want to hear?" Eric nodded. "I've always wanted to be somebody, someone important, someone looked up to. Especially with my looks not being the greatest, I needed it more than ever. Feeling that God was real, I started going to a church where I grew greatly. Then the accident happened. I died. And I found myself in a beautiful place where I was happy and content. None of the problems, none of the desires I had mattered." "What do you mean by desires?" "I like men. I'm attracted to men. You obviously know what I'm talking about with your husband and all. "I assume I was in heaven. I was so happy and at peace with myself. Before that, I did all I could to suppress my desires. They never manifested greatly, although I had masturbated a few times, but quickly I repented and tried not to do it again. When I was in heaven, I felt that I had triumphed over those desires. It was wonderful. "And then it happened. Somehow, I got brought back to life. The doctors brought me back. It was the insistence of my parents that they didn't turn off the ventilator. I found out that my friends, people that I thought cared about me, prayed for me to come out of it all and be okay. It worked, obviously. "Ever since then, I have tried to be happy and thankful to my friends. But they pulled me away from happiness and peace. I never told them. I don't want them to be hurt by it. I've always felt an animosity toward them." "Maybe you should tell them." "It wouldn't matter now. I don't see them anymore. I don't think they would want to see me." "What makes you say that?" "For one, I'm gay. They are strong Christians and wouldn't agree with my sexuality. I don't even agree with it." Eric nodded. "I've been where you are. I know that struggle. It doesn't have to be that way. Your relationship with God is just that, YOUR relationship with God. It isn't the relationship between you, a church, and God, or you, your family and friends, and God. No one has any business telling you what God can reveal to you in God's own way." "So, you've raped someone?" This gave Eric pause. "What are you talking about?" "After I was brought back to life, Rob, my best friend, decided to invite me and a few other friends for an all-niter at his place. After all the fun, everyone decided to go to bed. But I couldn't sleep. I lay there wide awake, my mind flashing images of my fantasies. The desire to be sexual, to touch another man, came on me so strong I couldn't resist. "Everyone was sound asleep, so I thought, what would be the problem if I were to look at one of them while they slept. They wouldn't know about it. I picked Greg, one of our friends. He was kind of cute and I knew he had been sexual with girls before. In some ways, I thought he would enjoy it or understand if he woke up. "So, I did it. I crawled over to his resting body, pulled the blankets away and gently, pulled his underwear back to look at his dick. I was impressed with how big it was for someone so short. I mean, you see how tall I am and I'm not that big. Seeing it made me want to do more, not much more, but a little further than what I was at first willing to do. "I reached out and touched it. It amazed me how soft it felt yet how hard it was at the same time. I pulled it away from his stomach and felt the pull of the muscle. Releasing it, it went right back against his stomach, pointing upwards toward his chest. It only fed the desire I felt, not quench it. The next step was to put it in my mouth, which I wanted to do. A bead of precum rested at his head. I pulled it away, opened my mouth, and wrapped my lips around it. I only did it for a second. My faculties came back and I quickly pulled it out of my mouth, replaced his underwear, covered him back up and ran upstairs to the bathroom where I shook and kept asking myself, 'What have I done? What have I done? What have I done?' "When I got back downstairs, I went to where I was supposed to sleep and covered up. I eventually went to sleep hoping he didn't notice what happened. But I knew. "The next day, my parents were called and we met at Rob's house. There, they confronted me about what happened. I was so embarrassed. I stood up and ran out of the house and, eventually, came here. "I know what I did was wrong. I know it was because desire controlled me. If other people can be gay and can control their desires, good for them. It's okay for them to be gay. I know I can't. Being gay has been nothing but a source of torment and trouble for my life. For me, being gay is associated with violation and hurt. Allowing myself to be gay makes what I did seem a little more okay than if I don't allow myself to be gay. And I won't allow it. I don't deserve it. What I deserve is guilt and torment and a life full of penance." "You don't have to live with this guilt. Of course rape is wrong. I was a victim of rape once. But those men were out to maliciously hurt me. They derived pleasure from the pain they caused. You didn't. You were a young teenager, used to being told to repress your emotions and desires. You couldn't talk to your parents about what was going on. Believe me, I understand that. When the desires became too great to handle, you acted, as most other teenagers do. But, unlike other teenagers, society didn't allow you to be gay. Society didn't make it an option, didn't make it okay for you to be gay. "You don't have to allow society to run your life. Times are changing. People are changing. Society itself is changing. You don't have to run to the shadows to fight these demons, and you don't have to do it alone. You don't have to conform to the dark side. You can be free of the pain and fear and worry you carry around inside." A sensation that the Shadow had noticed around Dhani and Amit's apartment grew again. This time, however, it was stronger, and it moved on Eric. Eric sensed it. He was no stranger to unusual sensations considering all he had gone through. The sensation moved on him and seemed to take over his feelings, thoughts, and voice. Then without warning, words poured forth in the form of song. Cool breeze and autumn leaves Slow motion daylight A lone pair of watchful eyes Oversee the living Feel the presence all around A tortured soul A wound unhealing No regrets or promises The past is gone But you can still be free If time will set you free Time now to spread your wings To take to flight The life endeavour Aim for the burning sun You're trapped inside But you can still be free If time will set you free But it's a long long way to go Eric led the Shadow to the fire escape. He grabbed the first rung, looked at the Shadow and then climbed up continuing the song. The Shadow followed behind him. Keep moving way up high You see the light It shines forever Sail through the crimson skies The purest light The light that sets you free If time will set you free Sail through the wind and rain tonight You're free to fly tonight And you can still be free If time will set you free And going higher than the mountain tops And go high like the wind don't stop And go high Free to fly tonight Free to fly tonight The song died down and Eric looked to the Shadow. "You can be free." "That was weird," the Shadow said. "You're telling me. I don't usually just burst into song. But it felt natural." "What you said applied, though. I appreciate it." Eric nodded. "If you need me, here's my number while I'm here. And here's my home number in case you want to talk after I leave. Call collect if you need." The Shadow took the piece of paper. Eric patted his shoulder and walked down the alley. He contemplated what Eric said. 'Maybe I should follow his advice. I mean, I should let the past go, to a point. I can't keep fretting over it. But it doesn't mean I should repeat it. Maybe I will move on, but I won't seek out a relationship with anyone. I can't forget the horrible crime I did. And I can't forget where I was before that. After, all that's how all this started in the first place was...' The door opened and Robert and Roy exited, distracting Eric from his thoughts. "Everything okay?" Robert asked. The Shadow nodded. "What did Eric say?" "A lot. Is he prone to singing?" "Singing?" "Yeah. As he spoke, he burst into song. Has he ever done that with you?" "No." "Why would he do that all of a sudden?" "Was there anything weird about him? Did you see or hear or notice anything strange?" "I felt something weird. I can't really describe it. It was a weird sensation. I can't really describe it." "Hmm," Rober thought. "I wonder if it was some sort of magic spell. The only way to know is watch others. If you sense the same feeling and people start singing, it could be magic." "Magic? Where in the hell do you people come from?" the Shadow asked. "I've experienced things you wouldn't even believe. There is such a thing as magic. I've seen it work. I've seen other things, too; things you would never believe existed." "Like what? Vampires?" "Actually..." Robert began. "We need to get going," Roy replied. "We have some things to do." Robert nodded. "We'll see you around." And the two men left. To Be Continued... For those who do not know Eric, you can read about his adventures in "Tales of a Real Dark Knight". It is a long story, but manageable if you read a little at a time.