Date: Sat, 21 Jul 2001 08:55:17 EDT
From: MystryAuthr@aol.com
Subject: Chapter 19 of All Lost Things

And another chapter passes from my screen to yours. I hope you enjoy it,
hang on for a bit of an unexpected twist. :o)

http://www.steliko.com/bleedinghearts

email: Aterovis@aol.com



Chapter 19

	"You found Rachel Cohen?" I asked, excitement filling my voice.

	"Yes, or rather Rachel Shannon as she's known now."

	"Shannon?"

	"Her middle name. She was born Rachel Shannon Gill. When she
married Ira Cohen she took the name Rachel Gill Cohen. When she ran she
took her middle name as her last name."

	"How'd you find her?"

	Novak pushed back in his chair with a smug expression on his
face. "Traced every name I could think of using different combinations of
all her names. It's not as easy as it sounds; do you know how many people
exist with that combination of names? I came up with well over 150 and that
was just a cursory search. I narrowed the search by eliminating people not
in the right age range. Then I took a chance and narrowed my search to the
tri-state area, especially looking at the DC/ Baltimore area. I figured
she'd head for a city since that's the easiest place to get lost. I got a
couple hits on a Rachel Shannon in DC. I have an associate in DC that I
called and he went out and checked her out for me. He didn't approach her
but she matches the description."

	"So we just drive up there and what, knock on her door?"

	"Pretty much."

	"When?"

	"I was thinking about tomorrow. We'll spend the night and come back
the next day. You up for it?"

	"Yeah, sure, whatever."

	"Great, go on home and get things cleared with your family."

	"Ok. What time do you want me here in the morning? Regular time?"

	"That'll be fine. Oh, and your friend called. He left a
message. It's on your desk."

	"Thanks," I said. Friend? I couldn't imagine who it could be. I
picked up the slip of paper of my desk and saw that it was Will. Now why
was he calling me? I called him back.

	"Hey Killian," he said, "Do you think you could stop by sometime
soon? I really need to talk to someone. I called Asher but he was busy
so..."

	"What's up?"

	"I'd rather wait until you get here."

	"Ok, sure. I'll be there in a few minutes."

	"You don't have to rush out or anything."

	"No, I was leaving anyway. Is now ok?"

	"Yeah, it's great."

	"I'll be right there."

	I yelled a good-bye to Novak and headed out. I arrived at Will's
house soon after.

	"Hey, Killian," he said as soon as I was inside. "Thanks for coming
over. I really appreciate it."

	"Hey, that's what friends are for, right?"

	He gave me a weak smile and suddenly burst into tears.

	"Will, what's wrong? Is the baby ok? Your mom?"

	"There're fine," he sniffled, "It's not that. It's just...Nikki
came to see me this morning. It brought back a lot of stuff that I've been
trying to forget."

	"Aidan?"

	"Yeah."

	"Maybe you shouldn't be trying so hard to forget him, Will."

	He looked at me with haunted eyes, "But it hurts so much."

	I crossed the room and sat down next to him on the couch and
wrapped my arms around him. "I know, sweetie, I know."

	"I hardly ever think about him, I don't let myself think about
him. I miss him so much. I dream about him every night. That he's
there. Sometimes I wake up and my pillow is wet from my tears. Sometimes I
wake up and think he's there next to me, in bed. I forget where I'm at,
forget that he's dead." His voice broke off in a ragged sob.

	I held him tighter and rocked gently back and forth. He clung to me
like I was his only lifeline.

	"You've never said good-bye, you've never let him go," I said
softly.

	"How? How do I let him go? I've never loved anyone like I loved
him. I'll never love anyone like that again."

	"Don't say that, Will. You will love again, I know it. You're such
an incredible guy."

	"Maybe I don't want to love again. I don't want to feel like this
again, lose like that again."

	"Will, you have to heal, the wound is still fresh. What about
Bryan?"

	"What about him?"

	"I thought he was interested in you, and I got the impression you
might be interested in him."

	"I'm not ready for that yet. Bryan's nice, I do like him, but I'm
not ready to be in another relationship. Maybe I never will be."

	"You will, you will."

	"I wish I was as sure as you are."

	"You have to let go, first."

	"But how? Tell me what to do."

	"I...I don't know. Do you still see your doctor?"

	"Yeah, sometimes."

	"You have to let him help you."

	"Who would ever want me? I'm a 20 year old broken down widower with
a baby."

	"Will, you are one of the sweetest, most awesome guys I've ever
met. Anyone would be so lucky to have you."

	He raised his tear-streaked face to look me in the eye, searching
my face to see if I was serious.

	Then, to my complete and utter surprise he leaned in a pressed his
lips against mine. At first, I was so shocked I didn't respond at all. He
pulled back slightly and saw the fear and uncertainty in his eyes. Without
thinking I leaned back in and kissed him again, more to reassure him than
out of any romantic desire. He responded immediately and the kiss quickly
grew more and more passionate. Suddenly I realized what was happening and
pulled away abruptly.

	"Will..." I started.

	"Shh," he raised a shaking hand to my lips and touched them
lightly. "Don't say it, please." He leaned in again and kissed me softly
once more on the lips. "I shouldn't have done that, I know. I don't know
why I did. It just..."

	"It...it's ok."

	"You're the first person I've kissed since..."

	"I know."

	"Thank you."

	"Um...you're welcome?" I said uncertainly.

	He giggled a little. "Maybe that's just what I needed."

	"To kiss someone?"

	"To feel desirable again."

	"You feel better now?"

	"A little. Want to make me feel better still?"

	"Um, how?"

	He leaned in and kissed me again.

	"Hey!" I protested, breaking away.

	"Relax. It's ok. I know it doesn't mean anything. It's just a kiss,
ok?"

	Before I could answer his lips found mine again. I had to admit, it
was nice to kiss someone again. It had been a long time since Asher and I
had kissed. I hadn't realized how much I missed it. Will was a very
different kisser than Asher, more relaxed, less demanding. It was very
nice, indeed. One of his hands slid up my side under my shirt and the other
cupped the back of my head. He leaned into me and slowly lowered me back
until I was lying on the couch with him on top of me.

	"Where's your mom?" I managed to pull away long enough to ask.

	"She at work."

	"Darin?"

	"Asleep."

	He cut off any further conversation with his mouth. Before I knew
it, my shirt was off and he was fumbling with the button on my pants.

	"Will!" I gasped.

	"It's ok," he said hoarsely. His hands were shaking so hard he was
having difficulty with the button, which gave me a few precious seconds to
try and stop things before they went too far.

	"What happened to it's just a kiss?"

	"I want you, Killian. I need to do this, it's been so long."

	"Oh God," I whimpered as he slid a hand down my pants.

	"Please?" he whispered, his eyes burned into mine, begging me to
say yes.

	"I've never...Asher and I never..."

	"I'll be gentle," he said and leaned forward to kiss me again.

	I felt the button to my pants finally give way to his insistence
and he pushed them down impatiently. I was now lying under him in just my
boxers. He sat up and pulled his shirt over his head in one fluid
motion. His pants quickly followed.

	Will has a great body. It was obvious he hadn't neglected it during
his months of mourning. His chest was lightly toned, not overly buff, but
defined. It narrowed to a flat, smooth stomach and even narrower waist and
hips. His dark curly hair was tussled and his cheeks were red with
excitement. He was absolutely beautiful.

	Almost as if I couldn't help myself I reached up and ran my hand
across his chest and down his stomach, stopped at the waistband of his
boxers, where a very obvious tenting proved his state of arousal. He took
my hand and slid it a little lower, wrapping my fingers around himself
through the thin material of his underwear. His other hand slipped into the
opening in the front of my boxers and grasped me. He softly stroked me a
few times then lowered himself on top of me for another kiss.

	My mind was racing in confusion. Part of me wanted him more than
anything, the part of my that was responding to his gentle thrusting, but
another part of me, my conscious mind, knew that what we were doing wasn't
the best thing for Will right now-or for me either for that matter. I knew
I should put a stop to it, but I was quite powerless at this point to do
more than moan softly. His hands slid down my sides and slowly pushed my
boxers below my hips. The only sound now was our breathing, which was
coming in ragged gasps.

	Suddenly we came crashing back to earth as the high-pitched wail of
the baby pierced the silence. I felt Will's body tense for a second, and
then he collapsed on top of me with a frustrated sigh. He got up and looked
down at his erection with an almost comical expression of dismay, grabbed a
shirt and pulled it on and then jogged out of the room.

	I lay still for a second, alone in the living room, as it sunk in
how close I had just come to losing my virginity on my ex-boyfriend's
cousin's couch. I sat up and pulled my boxers back up and began frantically
searching for my pants and shirt. I was on my knees in the floor looking
under the couch for my shirt when Will came back into the room. He was
holding Darin.

	"Killian..." he began.

	"You don't have to say anything," I said quickly, cutting off any
awkward attempts at an explanation or apology. "What just happened between
us...happened. It's ok. We don't have to talk about it."

	"Maybe I do," he said and sat down in a rocking chair and began to
rock the baby.

	With a sigh I pulled my shirt out from under the sofa and yanked it
on. I sat with my back against the couch and my legs pulled up to my
chest. I really wished I had my pants on.

	"I don't know why I reacted like that," Will said softly. "I mean,
I've always been attracted to you and all, but I never thought
about...well, what we just did. I know I'm not over Aidan, I just finished
saying I didn't want a relationship and then I practically rape you."

	"You didn't rape anyone," I said indignantly. "I let you do what do
what you did. I...I wanted you to."

	"Really? You weren't just doing it to be nice?"

	"Maybe at first, the kiss especially. But...I wouldn't lose my
virginity just to be nice. It was like once we started I couldn't
stop. Like we were on a train and I couldn't get off."

	"That's how I felt. But it was just...physical. Look, Killian, you
know I love you. You're one of my best friends and all, but I don't want to
date you."

	A sense of relief washed over me. I had been anticipating a rather
sticky situation. I guess my face said it all. He giggled.

	"I told you it didn't mean anything."

	"Yeah, but that was before you had my drawers around my ankles."

	He laughed out loud. "Would you have gone all the way with me?"

	I shrugged. "I don't think I had much of a choice."

	"Wow. I'm flattered."

	"Will, you have to know how hot you are. When you took off your
shirt...well, it was all over then."

	"Not all over," he said suggestively.

	I blushed. "So what does that make me? A sex toy?"

	"No, not at all. I just...I don't know. I honestly don't know what
came over me. It's just been so long since anyone has touched me."

	"I know what you mean," I said, thinking of Asher.

	"I guess it's a good thing Darin woke up when he did, huh?" he said
thoughtfully.

	"Maybe, maybe not."

	He looked up sharply.

	"I just mean that...well, I wouldn't have minded losing my
virginity to you."

	"Really?"

	"Really."

	He grinned. "Darin will be asleep again in a few minutes."

	I blanched. "I, uh, think that was a one time thing."

	He laughed again, "I know, sweetie, I was just teasing."

	"Maybe you'd better call Bryan soon," I teased back. "Relieve some
of that sexual tension you've got going on there."

	He looked thoughtful. "I don't think I'd better do that just yet. I
think Bryan would put too much into it. I'm just not ready for a serious
relationship yet."

	"You just need to get laid."

	"God, you make me sound like a slut."

	"Nah, just a horny little bastard."

	We laughed.

	"Speaking of horny little bastards you might want to put your pants
on before I jump you again."

	He got up and took the now sleeping baby back to his room while I
stood up and pulled on my pants. I was searching for my left show when he
returned. He slid his arms around my waist from behind.

	"Thank you, Killian," he said softly. "I think it was definitely
for the best that it was you who came over here today. I can't imagine this
happening with anyone else."

	"Not even Asher?"

	"Ew! Don't be gross," he said with a swat at my head. "Speaking of
Asher, are you over him?"

	I sat down to tie my shoe and thought about the question. "No," I
said finally. "Not really. Maybe more than I was a few weeks ago, but I'm
far from over him."

	"I still don't understand what happened with you guys. You seemed
so happy together."

	I sighed. "I guess looks can be deceiving. It was just like
everything came apart at once; even though I know it had been building up
for a while."

	"Do you think you'll get back together? Do you want to?"

	"I don't know anymore," I said truthfully. "I did want to, more
than anything. Now I'm not so sure."

	"Have you met someone else?"

	"Not really," I said slowly. Will gave me a look. "Maybe."

	"Tell me!" he demanded.

	"There's nothing to tell. I met this guy named Micah and he asked
me out. I'm not even going to call him."

	"Why not?"

	"Because...I don't know why not, I'm just not."

	"Is he cute?"

	"Yeah, I guess so. He's not like breathtakingly gorgeous or
anything but he's definitely cute."

	"So what's the hold up?"

	"Look who's talking. What about Bryan?"

	"We're talking about you here, not me."

	"If we can talk about me we can talk about you."

	He sighed. "We're a great pair, aren't we? Unlucky in love, afraid
to move on, so we almost sleep together."

	"Let's not say anything about this to anyone, ok?"

	"You mean like Asher? Don't worry, Killian, I'm not that big an
asshole."

	"That's not what I meant..."

      He waved a hand with a dismissive gesture. "Don't worry; I'm not
going to tell anyone. It can be our dirty little secret, a shared
indiscretion."

	"You make it sound so dirty. Nothing happened really."

	"We came pretty close."

	"But we didn't and that's what's important."

	He was quiet for a minute, then asked, "Do you wish we had?"

	It was my turn to be quiet as I thought about his
question. "Maybe," I admitted softly.

	"We still could..."

	"I think it might be best if I leave," I said slowly. I stood up
and glanced down to make sure I was fully clothed. I was. "I'm getting
ready to go to DC with Novak for a couple days, for this case we're working
on. I'll call you when I get back, ok?"

	Will stood up and crossed the room to stand inches away from me,
his eyes studying mine.

	"Why are you running, Killian? What are you afraid of?"

	"I'm not afraid; I just don't think this is best for either of us,
not right now."

	"It could be healing."

	"Or could open new wounds. No, I think it's definitely best if I
leave."

	"You're probably right," he said gloomily. He wrapped his arms
around me for a tight hug, which I returned. "Now go," he said, releasing
me, "before I change my mind again."

	I gave him a quick peck on the lips and let myself out, leaving him
standing in the middle of the living room watching after me. I wasn't as
sure as he had insisted that everything that had happened there that night
was harmless and meaningless. I hoped Will wasn't falling in love with
me. Just the thought of the complications that could arise from a situation
like that made me shudder. It would definitely blow any chance I had of
getting back together with Asher...but was that really what I wanted
anymore? I just didn't know.