Date: Sun, 24 Oct 1999 09:22:41 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Toji Suzahara" <tsuzahara@yahoo.com>
Subject: Alone Among Friends, Part IV

Thank you for all the nice emails I have been getting. :) I really
appreciate it and would like you to continue telling me what you
guys think.
As usual, the narration is split into 1st and 3rd person narrating.
1st person is used exclusively for Kaneda and 3rd person for all
the others (Georg and Daniel in this part).
This story involves male-to-male love and if this is somehow
violating your laws, or you're too young to read gay fiction or it is
offending you generally then you should better leave this place.
Toji


"I was faced to the choice at a difficult age"


Alone Among Friends, Part IV

Daniel had agreed to go to the flicks with Georg so he would be
distracted a bit. Looking around his room he tried to figure out if he
had everything: money, keys, fags. Apparently everything was at it's
right spot and he just took a quick gaze out of the window if Georg
was waiting already. What he saw there he didn't expect but he should
have: Kaneda was standing down there aswell. What should he do?? He
didn't want to go down anymore and felt like staying where he was but
he couldn't leave Georg wait for him -  after sometime he would come
up anyhow. And likely he would know that there was something behind
his illogical behaviour. Daniel figured out that the best thing to do
would be to go down and pretend as if nothing had happened. Just try
to be his normal self, and ignore it. Probably Kaneda would ignore it
aswell. He really hoped it. He hoped that Kaneda hadn't told Georg
about it. Thinking about that he realized that he didn't tell him
since Georg sounded all normal back on phone.
"Okay, let's get it on," he said to himself and closed the door behind
himself.




Georg was standing next to Kaneda and waiting with him for Daniel. He
was watching Kaneda in full joy while he was smoking his cigarette. It
would not matter to him anymore; he decided that he just wanted to be
close to Kaneda, that he wanted to be with him as long as possible and
didn't want to risk anything by telling him something Kaneda might
not want to hear.
There was a song running trough Georg's mind he liked when he was
young and back in school. However right now the melody was playing in
his mind and he sang along in his mind with the singer:
"...Every time I see you
    something happens to me
    like a chain reaction,
    between you and me,
    my heart starts missing a beat..
    every time..
    I am in love with you..
    I mean what I say,
    I am in love with you,
    and you don't know what it means to be with you..."
Georg didn't notice that he already had started to hum the melody,
not speaking the words though.




It was cold out there and I thought that I had to get a different
jacket before leaving fully for the flicks since it would only get
colder later the night. I was smoking my cigarette and thinking about
what happened between Daniel and me earlier and how I should react
when I would meet him in a few minutes. I couldn't think clearly about
it when I realized that Georg was humming a familiar tune. I tried to
figure out what he was humming there.
"Man that's freakin' old!" I said and realized that I had shaken Georg
out of a daydream or something - at least I am not the only one
daydreaming I thought.
"Huh what?"
"That's an old song.. wait let me think," I said.
I tried to figure out which song that was and after some seconds I got
it.
"It's 'Heart' from the Pet Shop Boys. Nice song, heard it pretty
often," I said to him.
"But how come you start humming it right now?"
"Dunno, it just came into my mind...," Georg said with an empty look.
"Listen Georg, I need to get to my apartment and get me a jacket,
will be right back," and I headed towards the building.
Inside, I was waiting for the elevator, and looking at the number on
which floor it currently was, I knew that Daniel would be inside. I
took a deep breath and waited for the door to open.
I could feel that I had sweat on my forehead already when the door
opened and I acted quickly. I pushed him back into the elevator and
put my hand onto his mouth, holding him firmly.
"Let me speak!" I said.
He looked at me and couldn't say anything for I had my hand on his
mouth.
"Look Daniel, I am damn sorry... I... I didn't want to blurt out like
that earlier.................... and if you're worrying.. I didn't
say anything to Georg. And that's all what I wanted to tell you. He
doesn't know. I won't tell noone, I think that this is what you want,
and if you want to.... we can talk about it."
I slowly put my hand off of his mouth and waited for him to say
something.
"Thank you Kaneda, I.. I don't want to talk about. Let me get out of
here," and he pushed me aside, not hard but very gentle, and went out
of the building.
I sighed out loud, feeling a small pain in my innards and wondered if
I should have told him that I was gay myself.
I pressed the button and the elevator's door closed.

They were both chatting as usual when I stepped out of this modern
piece of art - I meant the dorms.
"So guys, let's get going," Georg said and we headed to the inner
city.
It made no sense to take the car since it was clear that we would have
a parking problem downtown and the public transport from university
was quite good.
We all talked with each other as if nothing had happened - though I
had to admit that between Daniel and me the conversations weren't as
strong as they used to be. At least Georg didn't notice that, and he
was all happy and cheery as usual.
I didn't like it the way it was. I wanted Daniel to know that I didn't
have any problem with it, but it seemed as if he was having a full
fledged problem with what he had done. I thought that he couldn't have
made his mistake with someone better than me. After all he elected the
right person to give a kiss to - he had luck, what if I was a complete
homophobic bastard? He really had luck with me and I felt that he
should appreciate it.
We stood in front of the cinema and noticed that the flick we were
about to see was running in one of the smaller theaters there - this
wasn't a good sign about the quality of the movie, but I kept my mouth
shut and didn't say anything.
"3 ticket's for 'Cookies Fortune' please," Georg said to the man on
the counter.
"By the way, is the film any worth seeing?" he asked that man, and the
guy told him something which neither Daniel nor I could understand.
"Okay, I will take the 3 of the other than," he said and I was
wondering what was happening.
Georg turned around to us with the tickets in the hand, apparently not
for the film we wanted to see in the first place.
"I changed my mind, we're gonna watch 'Blast from the past'," he said
with a grin. I didn't care too much about which film we were going to
see.
"That's okay Georg," Daniel said. Apparently he didn't care either.
Somehow I knew that Daniel wouldn't sit next to me in the cinema and
so Georg was in the middle, me on the left side, and Daniel sitting to
Georg's right.
Georg was talking a lot, I thought that he had noticed that there was
something between Daniel and me, so he kept on babbling and tried to
start a conversation while the ads were running. I felt awkward,
really awkward and it wasn't a way this could continue. I was feeling
bad for Georg since he didn't know what was going on . I could see
that he was feeling something, but he didn't know what it was.
I tried to ignore what had happened and concentrate on the ads they
were showing. Some of them were pretty funny and I started to laugh
and I could literally see how Georg was getting relaxed. Poor guy,
poor sweet guy, he seemed to care a lot about me.. I sighed within me
and wondered why Georg wasn't the one who had kissed me. Of course,
not with that strange reaction afterwards.
The film was pretty interesting and it was funny to see that the guys
locked themselves up in a bunker for more than 30 years.
While I was very deep into that film I felt like putting my right arm
onto the armrest, just to find out that Georg already had his arm
there. The armrest was broad enough so I kept mine there. I could feel
the presence of him; there was a warmth, so sweet and gentle that it
distracted me from the movie entirely.
I moved around in my chair, pretending that I had to reposition myself
but my true intention was to get my hand closer to his hand. I wanted
to be as close as possible to Georg without him noticing it. The plan
failed: I got a bit too close to him since part of my hand was now
lying on top of his hand. His hand felt so nice and warm, I could feel
his very light and soft hair on his hand and I had the ultimate
decision now: I could draw away my hand now or wait what he would do.
I felt the tension rising in me: If I let my hand there it could be
interpreted in some way. I decided to wait and to see what would
happen - this physical contact with him caused my heart's pace to
increase; I found it somewhat silly though that my body reacted this
way! I felt warm and good and never thought that only touching him
this delicately would have such an effect on me. Looking at him trough
the corner of my eyes, I tried to figure him out. It was too dark to
see him properly, but what I definitely knew was that he didn't take
his hand away, any other guy would have drawn his hand away by now,
but he didn't. I was completely stiff and I started to breath very
lightly and was enjoying this delicate touch. It was so terribly less
what I was doing, but the feelings were overwhelming me. Georg still
didn't move his hand away. We stayed like this for another 3 minutes
which was pretty sweet for me, when Georg suddenly moved his hand
around in a swift move and held my hand. ... Now I was really in a
stun. I was fascinated by the happenings, I didn't expect this to
happen at all and I could not believe what was going on, we were
holding each other's hands, just like little teenagers but still so
much different than that. Could it be true that my cute, damn sexy
looking friend is as gay as I am?? It had to be true, there wasn't any
explanation to this anymore in terms of friendship. This was more than
being friends and I let myself go. His hand felt so good and powerful.
Getting bolder, I released my hand from his grip and started to move
my finger along his arm, stroking it gently and touching his very
delicate hair. We were both looking to the screen while I was doing
this. Georg moaned so softly I hardly heard, but I heard it for I
think he wanted me to hear it. He grabbed my hand again which was
exploring his arm and hold it real tight. The film became completely
irrelevant to me. I knew that Georg felt like I felt, if it wasn't
such a stupid place and an odd timing, I would have cried out, would
have thanked the almighty or whomever, that my friend turned out to be
the way I am. I felt so great at this point. Georg and I we both tried
to get as close in the chairs as possible without anybody noticing it
but there wasn't too much space we lost between us. Daniel was sitting
over there not knowing what was going on. If he knew I thought..
if he knew... I quickly digressed from thinking about Daniel and tried
to concentrate on Georg, this handsome hunk, with his deep ocean-blue
eyes which I would have liked to see right now, but could not. I
wanted to run with my hand trough his lovely spikey hair (he used
styling-gel which made his hair all stiff so there was nothing much to
run trough) and kiss him. Nevertheless I had to wait for that, I
wondered what he was thinking at that moment. He was holding my hand,
sometimes squeezing it a bit harder and I felt that he wanted to tell
me so much but couldn't yet, we would have to wait.
I was dreaming with open eyes, Georg, the jock, was gay. I couldn't
believe it. I never believed in the stereotypes people had about gays
and so I was just confirmed with Georg, that there are people, where
one would never expect them to be gay. I was smiling the whole time in
the movie and could not help it. Just thinking about him and having
his hand in my hand made my lower body go out of control and I had one
hell of an erection. I released my hand from his and started to run my
hands up his thighs. His body was perfect, I could feel the muscles in
his jeans and I ran my hand a little bit more up so that it
disappeared under the sweater and T-shirt he was wearing. Georg was
breathing now very lightly and I was exploring the most defined abs I
had felt yet (for I could not see them), it was like a wash-board and
I could feel that Georg was enjoying every second my hand was
exploring his upper body. My exploration had to end there (I wanted to feel
his pecs though), else the twist of my arm would have revealed what I
was doing.
As the lights turned on, we released our hands, which were a bit
sweaty from holding so long, stood up and went straight to the exit. I
was quicker and waited for him. He came out with a huge, silly but
very loveable grin on his face, and I think I must have had the same
silly grin on my face.
"Hey man, Kaneda, you liked that flick?" he asked.
"Georg, it was GREAT! A real GREAT movie!"
We both started to laugh hysterically and Daniel was looking at both
of us with a puzzled face.
"Guys, it wasn't THAT good, so get a grip."
"No no Daniel, it really was very good, I liked it," I told him, still
having that silly grin on my face.
"Yeah man, there was so much more than expected in this movie. Somehow
it was a revelation for me," Georg said, grinning like a moron (but a
very very cute one though).
"What? You guys are trying to bullshit me, right?" Daniel asked.
"Ah, no way Daniel, let's head home," I said.
"Yeah, I feel like going home too," Georg said, looking at me, both
being partners in crime.
"Sure," Daniel said. I felt bad for this guy, even in this moment
of happiness for myself, I wasn't feeling too good seeing him this
way. But I decided to cope with that later on, after Georg and I had
settled some things.
"Let's head home!" I said ecstatically.
Georg and I didn't say much on the whole drive back to the dorms, we
were just grinning pretty silly and laughing about nothing. Daniel
couldn't understand what was going on. I didn't know if he did or if
he cared about it. Probably he felt excluded - but we weren't saying
anything at all.
After 20 minutes we were standing in front of our buildings.
"I will go up and hit the sack," Daniel said.
"It's only 7 PM? Are you serious?" Georg asked more out of politeness
than anything else.
"Yeah, had a tough day," he replied.
"Well I am going to get myself some cigarettes, " I filled in, seeing
that Georg's eyes went wide open.
"Okay you do that Kaneda, I am going up already," Daniel said and
disappeared inside the building.
I looked at Georg and he had a puppy's look on his face, Jesus, was
he cute, I could not believe it.
"Man Georg, relax, I was just telling him that, didn't want to tell
him that I am going up to your place. Would have suggested something
probably. Just being careful. And does it mean that you cannot go with
me when I get some cigs?"
I could see how Georg's face lit up already and a smile shone on his
face. Even cuter I thought.
"So let's not stand here and get going," I said.
While we were in the elevator we stared at each other, and I think
neither of us was believing what had just happened in the cinema. We
entered his room and he shut the door behind himself. I didn't let
any second pass and turned around towards him, grabbed him and hugged
him so hard while kissing him softly on his lips.
After some seconds we released each other.
"Woohah Kaneda.. I still cannot believe it's.... it's like a dream
coming true," he said, looking at me with his cute eyes.
"Damn Georg, I never thought that you would be.. "
"Gay, say it Kaneda, I am gay, and I fell for you the first day I saw
you, but I never believed that you were.."
"Gay," I interrupted him and holding him in my arms.
"Yeah  man, damn I don't like that word, let's say, I didn't know you
were as different as I was. I am so happy, I am so damn happy, and
actually I didn't know what to do back in the cinema, if I should
grab your hand or not, for I wasn't too sure if your hand resting on
my hand was meaning anything, and, ..," he inhaled deeply since he
kept on talking without breathing at all. I grabbed his hand and hold
it. I looked into his eyes and lost myself in them. We both stood
there and I was fascinated by his looks.
"What about taking a seat, hunk?" I said to him and smiled.
His room wasn't too big and the only place we both could sit close to
each other was his bed.
"Has anybody told you how cute you are Georg?"
"Nobody I cared for so far, you're the first one and it sounds so
good, too good Kaneda," he smiled.
"Has anybody told you how sexy -you- are?" he asked me.
"Yes, lots of guys. You're not the first one," I said seriously, but
not meaning it seriously, and could see how he looked down a bit and
had this puppy's eyes again. He was killing me with that look.
I drew him even closer to me and whispered into his ear, "You saying
these words to me count, only from you Georg, and only from you it
sounds genuine to me. I was just teasing you a little, forgive me."
He looked into my eyes, smiled and he wanted to kiss me as the
telephone rang.
I laughed out.
"Just like in a movie!"
"Yeah man, Murphy's Law, ain't it?"
"Well just pick it up and tell whoever it is to fuck off and not
disturb us errr.. you anymore," I said with a laugh.
"Okay Kaneda-san!"
Georg picked up the phone.

"
  Hello?

  Kevin? You know what? I'll call you later on

  Yeah, I will buhbye
"

"It was Kevin, wanted to tell me something about that flat he found.
Whatever. Where did we stop?" he asked.
I grabbed his head and kissed him deep and passionately, our tongues
touching each other lightly.
"That's where we left," I said and smiled.
Georg stood up, went to his PC and fired up the MP3-Player.
"Some nice tunes.."
112 backed up with Mase started to sing "Love Me", a track I liked a
lot though I never heard too much hip-hop or soul or whatever it was.
"Georg, .. pinch me please!"
"What?"
"Please?!" I said begging him.
Georg came over and pinched my side.
"So what was that for?"
I was just thinking that I might be dreaming again, but the little
pain was far too real to be just a dream.
"Might sound silly, but I thought I was dreaming Georg, but I am not,
yeah!"
Georg looked at me as if I went nuts, but adoring me the same time.
"Man Kaneda, you're so lovely," he said and threw himself onto me.
He was lying now on top of me and we were looking into each others
eyes.
"Kaneda.....," Georg said, and I could see his eyes water.
"Kaneda.. I love you man, I love you so much, damn I loved you from
the first day I saw you," he said, having tears on his face. I wrapped
my arms around him, pressed him against my body and he rested his head
on my chest. I wasn't able to see Georg weeping, it killed me.
"Georg, .. Georg.. I never thought you really would be gay. I hoped a
couple of times you were but was never sure. You are so manly. I was
never sure," I said trembling cause I was having so many feelings at
the same time. Georg looked up to me and gave me another kiss on my
lips. It was so sweet and gentle, if it was the last thing I had felt
on this earth, then I would have been happy to have lived only 19
years.
I made us turn around and now we lay next to each other.
He held my hands and I loved the feeling of his warm hands. I never
had paid attention to how beautifully shaped his hands were.
"You know Kaneda, even if you hadn't touched my hand in that way back
in the cinema, I was unable to handle it. I didn't know what to do
anymore, I couldn't bear it. I was about to tell you about me either
way, but I feared that I would loose your friendship," he said and
again his eyes watered.
"Really? ...... Man you're so damn cute. What if I wasn't gay... Well
I think I wouldn't have stopped being friends with you. You're such a
nice guy. How can somebody stop being friends with such a nice guy,
No, you're my nice guy now - and you're damn sexy," I said grinning to
him.
"Is it so?" he said, smiling. I dried off his tears and ran my finger
down his face. I moved closer to him, touching his chest trough that
sweater and the t-shirt he was wearing.
"How do you feel now?" I asked.
"Reliefed and a lot better," he said smiling. He grabbed me
and gave me a deep kiss with our tongues touching each other. It was
pure ecstasy what I felt. I stroke his body while we kissed, and moved
slowly downwards to his crotch. Feeling that he had a very hard bulge
in his pants I started to stroke it gently. I wanted to be closer to
him and to have him. It felt right, it felt absolutely right. He broke
off the kiss and looked into my eyes and smiled.
"What?" I asked smiling at him.
He started to unbutton the shirt I was wearing and he was kissing each
spot of my body which was revealed by his doing. I moaned in pleasure.
He undid the last button and took the shirt off of me, exposing my
chest. I could see from his eyes that he liked what he was seeing and
now I started to take off his sweater and then his t-shirt. He had a
real cool build and I could see in detail now what I had missed
earlier in the shower. His chest was defined and he had the most
sculptured abs I hadn't even dreamt of he would have. His chest was
smooth as mine was but he had a fine trail of hair running from his
belly down into his pants. I loved his sight. I kissed him on his
neck, sucking it a bit. Georg moaned. That was the sign for me to
continue and I kept on kissing him on his neck, licking his skin a
little barely touching it with my tongue. I pressed my body against
his warm body and hold him tight. I still couldn't believe what was
happening. Georg ran his hands over my back massaging it with his
hands. I felt a warm sensation running through my body, which was
electrifying. We released from our lock and Georg started to kiss me
on my neck, going down my body inch for inch until he reached my
nipples. While he started to suck my nipples which made me
unbelievably hot, his hands tried to unbuckle my belt. He slowly
unbuttoned my pants and made me stand so he could lower them. He let
go from my nipple and looked into my eyes and I nodded. He slowly
lowered my pants.. inch for inch, revealing my boxers which had a very
noticeable bulge.  He started to kiss my thighs and I felt that my
dick had started leaking already. I stepped out of the trousers
standing in my boxers in front of him. I looked into his beautiful
eyes and started to get his pants down. The silky feel of that pants
was turning me on and what was beneath it, turned me even more on. I
wasn't as slow as he was and soon he was only wearing his CK
underwear. He had really beautiful thighs, with a delicate cover of
light black hair on it. His body was remarkable and I loved every
squareinch of it. His manhood was making a huge bulge in his CKs and
it was urging to be released. I looked into Georg's eyes and he knew
what I wanted to do and I slowly freed his dick from it's soft prison,
adoring his rock hard 7-incher. Georg slowly took off my boxers and my
6-incher stood there in an erection it was hard to bear for me. He
started to message my balls with one hand, and gave me a kiss the same time.
With his other hand he drew me closer to him and our dicks touched. I kept
on kissing him, stroking his long shaft softly. His body spasmed when
I first touched the tip of his dick and he moaned out loud. I
continued to stroke his adorable lovestick and broke the kiss. I
started to kiss my way down to his naval, taking my time, following
the trail of hair down to his dick which was wet from pre-cum already.
I massaged his balls and then lubed his shaft with my saliva and his precum,
stroking it gently.
"Kaneda, it feels so good,..," he said breathing heavier.I
continued to stroke his dick and grabbed his back with my other hand
His dick-head was completely moistured now by the mix of
saliva and precum. I continued to stroke and now it was Georg who started
to message my dick with his hand. He drew me closer to himself and his
grip around my dick became tighter, causing his movements to make me even
wilder than before. With my free hand I grabbed his ass and gave him
another kiss increasing the pace of my stroking. Georg's breathing was becoming
heavier and I knew that when I continued now he would cum soon. He looked down
at our dicks and used my own precum to lube my dick even more. The movement
of his hand on my shaft got smoother and I felt how this certain feeling was building
up which meant I was getting closer to my climax. I broke the kiss with him and
started to suck his neck and lick it a bit. The same time I moved my hand around his
dickhead using his leakage for lubing his shaft and continued to stroke him
gently but firm. His breathing was very heavy now and I felt how the muscles
in his body were contracting. I grabbed his butt and squeezed it while kissing his pecs
and increasing the speed of my stroking. Georg came with a moan and shooted 5 times all
over my abs and dick which was dropping loads of pre-cum already. He had stopped
stroking me for some seconds but seeing him cumming made me even hotter so
that the tension in me got even higher. I felt how he was getting weaker and I
held him in my arms while he came and pressed him against me, making
the cum wet our bodies. Georg looked at me and saw me breathing
heavily; feeling his warm cum on my body made me even more hot. He
slowly went down, touching my body with his tongue and he kissed my
abs softly while running his hands over my thighs. With one hand he grabbed
my ass and started squeezing it and with the other he ran over my abs
which were wet and slippery by his cum lubing his hand with it.
Georg came up again and he gave me another kiss while his hand started to
stroke my dick tighter and faster than before.
"Oh fuck, I am cumming, fuck, I am cumming," I nearly yelled. I was beyond the
point and shot my load in 4 hot packages onto him. I collapsed into his arms
and he held me there, strong and tightly.
"I love you Kaneda, I hope you know how much I love you, I'll never
stop loving you," he whispered into my ear.
"I love you too Georg... where have you been in my life yet? Where?" I
said to him, realizing my love for him, and tears of joy were running
down my cheeks.
"I could ask you the same, my gorgeous almond-eyed stud.. What matters
is that we have found each other," Georg said, kissing me on my
forehead.

We lay there for some time until we decided to clean up the mess we
had made. I took a towel and we cleaned off our bodies, adoring each
other. We partly dressed ourselves and Georg kept on smiling to me the
whole time long.
"That was damn hot," I said to Georg, breaking the silence.
"Yeah man, I loved it. Kaneda, please come over here and just hold
me," Georg said. I went to him to the bed, still only wearing my
pants, sat beside him and wrapped my arms around him.
"My cute hunk, your eyes are so damn beautiful. You have such a
wonderful look in your eyes sometimes. You look like a puppy."
He started to grin, "No come on, I don't look like a puppy..?"
"Oh sure you do, and it looks so cute when you do that. Let me think,
the last time you had this look in your eyes was when I told you that
I would go to the cornershop for some cigs."
"Hey, that's when I get a bit sad," he exclaimed.
"Yeah that might be, but you get this real innocent look in your eyes
and I love it," I replied.
"Oh, so you only love my eyes then?" he said, having this look in his
eyes again.
"I love every part of you Georg, .. are you fishing for
compliments..?" I asked him sarcastically.
"Well.."
"No, don't say anything, I would love to give you compliments the
whole time long, so don't worry about it."
Georg put his arms around me and had one of the most silliest grins on
the face I had seen so far. What a cutie!
"My cute demi-japanese lover, I don't need no one but you."
"Yeah sure," I played with him. I could not be too serious, I didn't
know why. I felt a real lot for this guy, he was so damn cute, and I
thought that I loved him for I had never felt real love before. I just
concluded that what I was feeling at that moment,that it was love.
The MP3-Player had just started to play the list from the top and 112
and Mase were playing again.
"
   Baby whenever I am with you,
   no one else exists but you,
   cause you're the one for me..

   Every time that we're apart,
   you're always in my heart..
   and there you'll always be," Georg sang along, and he was singing
real great, I was astonished. He hardly had an accent in his English.
"Wow, that for me or what?" I said and grinned heavily.
He laughed out loud, and said, "you opened up my heart baby, and
that's how I feel right now, actually it was how I felt about you the
whole time, I always had you on my mind, nobody else. Kept on
daydreaming about you lots of times."
"You really did? Don't bullshit me, I'm not that special," I replied.
"Of course you are. There were so many occasions I was daydreaming
about you in some way. The last one.. well let me think,.. was when
you caught me humming that Pet Shop Boys track."
"Oh really? I never thought you would be daydreaming about me. Man,..
this is.. cute!"
Georg laughed out loud.
"I never wanted to sound cute! After all, I am a guy, man! Treat me
like a guy..well a guy loving guys.. ," he said and laughed out loud.
"I know Georg, no worries, let me put it differently: You are the
sexiest and most handsome hunk I have known yet," I said and hold him
tight.
Georg completely relaxed in my arms.
"You know Georg, I was searching for a guy, somebody who was or rather
is certain of what he is doing and what he is feeling, and is not just
hot for a fuck. You're that kinda guy, you're 'The-Man' I've been
looking for."
"I am just so happy that you feel at least a bit like I do," Georg
said, and I was somehow shocked that he still felt that he was less
important to me than I was to him.
"No come on, I love you as much as you love me, I really do. Even
though we only -really- know each other for a couple of hours, I am
certain that I do," and I ran my fingers trough his stiff hair.
He moved himself even close to me.
We were sitting or rather half-lying there on the bed for some more
minutes when Georg broke the silence.
"Kaneda, don't you think that Daniel was behaving really oddly today?"
I tried to portray it as if Daniel was only weird when we came out of
the cinema.
"Come on, how would you feel like when your best friends start grinning
at each other like morons, laugh about stupid, moreover non-existent
things. It would distract you too right? He didn't get it I would
say," and hoped he wouldn't ask more cause if he did ask the right
questions, I wouldn't want to lie to Georg. I felt so close and
attached to him already. Why was I saying already? I knew him for pretty
long by now and we had shared many things together, we studied together,
went to the same gym, went to the flicks together. Nerly everything I was
doing, I was doing it with either Daniel or Georg. Sometimes Kevin would
be there aswell but mostly it would be Georg and Daniel. That Georg was
gay was a very crucial part of him as a being, I got to know him even better
trough this. I think that's why I felt so attached to him already and had so
less a problem to let myself fall for him. But now he was asking me about
Daniel, the guy who had revealed himself earlier to me.
"Hmmm... that is true, but he was all weird before that, and he was
behaving oddly with you; he would not talk properly to you. Actually I
felt like kicking him for treating you this way."
Georg was good. I didn't think he would have noticed it. But with
whom was I playing this game? Georg was as good in assessing people as
I was for we both were closeted guys and I assume that he, just like
me, would notice people's behaviour, especially men's behaviour more
than others.
"You are right, he behaved odd."
"So.. do you know why?"
God! I felt bad already that I had reacted so idiotically when Daniel
'came out' to me and I didn't want to step from one mess into
another. Georg was a cute guy and he deserved to know the truth. I
really felt love for him, it sounded somehow strange to me for feeling
this way so fast, but I felt so attached to this guy already and I didn't
want to lie to him. At the same time I had given Daniel my promise
that I wouldn't tell no one about him. This would include Georg. But
Georg was also gay, and moreover very special to me by now, so wasn't it okay
if I told him? I was in a dilemma. It was a moral conflict not easy to
solve for me, and right now I had to think quick about a satisfying
solution. I looked over to Georg and he was looking at me with his
wonderful blue eyes and had such a warm smile on his face.. Jesus..
why should I lie to this guy? Why?? I decided to take all substance
out of the case. I would just say that we had a quarrel and that I
would make up with Daniel. Georg wasn't a too curious guy and I hoped
he would not dig too much into it.
"Well Georg, " I sighed out loudly, " Daniel and I had quarreled after
I went back. We quarreled about that stupid game. It's not too
important, I will make up with him."
"Huh? Daniel ain't the type of guy to take something amiss that long.
He is very much forgiving," Georg said and I knew he had a point
there.
I was feeling even lower now. This wasn't a good start for a
relationship with Georg. I was feeling so low, but how could I keep up
my promise with Daniel if I tell Georg?
"Kaneda.. tell me what's the matter, I can see that something is
bothering you," he said with a soft voice.
I decided that there was no other way than telling him what was
bothering me.
"Georg.. I can't hide anything from you.. but .. I just want to ask
you something..
 Georg, you and me are a bit closer than close to each other now,
right?"
"Right! I am yours man, do you have any doubts? I'd die for you babe!"
"Aw man, don't get corny, you sound like a macho-hero straight out of
a movie!" I said and laughed a little.
"Damn! You're right!" Georg said and grinned sheepishly ", and I
always found such lines pathetic and now I am saying it myself. But I
mean it though. Kaneda, that's how I feel for you..," he added with a
very soft voice in the end.
"Man Georg, I would never want that to happen, what would I do without
you??"
I hold his hand real tight and smiled at him.
"But let me continue with Daniel..... What I want to say is that there
is a bit more with Daniel, and..... I cannot tell you now because I
have given him a promise that I wouldn't tell. So please, don't ask
me what it is, because I feel that you, my cute hunk, with your damn
cute eyes and your cute smile, would make me so weak that I would
still tell you and then I would feel sooo low, cause I would break my
promise to him."
I could see how Georg's face got clouded for a split second but then
an innocent smile returned.
He sighed and said, "Okie-dokie Kaneda. Whatever it is there with
Daniel, try to fix it. He's a good, a nice cool guy, ...well uh he
ain't my type," he laughed a little and continued, "but he is a very
good friend.. of course you are a better friend, well,uh, what am I
saying!?  You are.."
I put my finger on his lips and thought of the way Georg was able to
show his feelings for me; his soft side. He seemed to be hell of a
caring guy and apparently thought a lot about everything. What I could
see was that he was in love with me; I could see and feel it
He gave me such an importance which made me feel great.
"I know what you want to say Georg, you don't need to say it. You're
my man, my hunk, and a very caring one too," I said, holding him an
arm's length away from me and then hugging him again.
"Kaneda, this all still is like a dream to me.." Georg said.
"Same here," I paused for a while, enjoyed the moment and then added,
"I had to think about our conversations in the cafe."
"What's with them Kaneda-san?"
"Uh, that's so informal Georg!" I had noticed him saying this earlier.
"What?"
"The 'san'," I said and smiled at him.
"Ah, well it sounds cute to me though... I won't say it if you mind."
"No no, if you like it, then use it. I know that you have a different
meaning for it," I said and grinned.
He smiled back at me and said, "So what was with the conversations?"
"We talked about chicks the whole time Georg, chicks which didn't
exist!"
I laughed out and I found it so funny that we were telling each other
stories of chicks which had never existed.
"Hey no, I had some chicks Kaneda," he said and looked at me.
"Really?"
"Yeah, but you know, it never truly worked out. I mean I never felt
anything. I was a damn horny bastard back then and would screw around
for the sake of it. And most of the girls liked me, and I had lot's of
dates. I don't feel too proud about it for it was not right... broke
those girls' hearts."
"..."
"Kaneda, I just realized later on that I only got aroused by men. I
would jack off thinking about guys in my room; thinking about some of
the other jocks in my basketball team and it wouldn't take me long to
cum," he said, looking down.
"Oh well..  Actually how did you manage not to get a full fledged
erection in the showers with your team?" I asked him, being really
curious about it.
"Now that's an easy one, a) I never looked at the studs and b) I never
looked at interesting parts of their bodies."
Of course this was only an introductory-question to what was coming
now.
"Did you look at me earlier Georg?"
I could see how Georg blushed, but that was not what I wanted him to
do.
"Yeah man, I looked at you from time to time and had a hard time at
times, I mean I had a -hard- time," he said and giggled," but I
managed to keep me under control. But while we're at it.. were you
looking at me?"
"Uh.., I wasn't really. Wait wait, before you think wrong, let me
explain! If I had looked at you for more than a second, I would have
had a rock-hard rod in the showers and that would have been really
embarrassing. So, even though I wanted to look at you, I didn't look
at you too often."
"Oh boy, if I only knew.... uh.. we could've 'misbehaved' in shower,"
Georg said, mimicking Austin Powers, and laughed out loud. I laughed
along with him when the telephone rang - again.
Georg looked at me and I sighed. He picked up the phone.

"
Hello?

Man, Kevin, I told ya I will call ya back!

Well okay, I have some time. So what's up?

Already on Monday? Hmm! Well I don't have a problem with it.

Yeah, I will tell him when I see him, don't worry. What have you been
doing?

WHAT? You're going out with that chick you met in the club last night?

Man, I wished I had so much luck

Okay, have fun, laters

Yeah, bye
"

"It was Kevin, he just wanted to tell me that we will have to move
into that flat on monday if we wanna have it."
"WHAT?" I yelled.
"Yeah! Tomorrow. Well whatever, I told him that I am okay with it. And
I assume that you will be also okay with it. Kaneda.. think man..
think..."
I thought about it and got what Georg meant.
"... oh... yes.. we can be together without them getting too curious
about anything.. Great. I don't think you wanna be out, do you?"
"Nopes, have no plans to do so - why should I? When I have the guy of
my dreams with me."
"Same here. Nobody needs to know. We will just share a room. It's
better than you or me hanging always around each others place the
whole time long. Of course we'll have to be careful."
"Man this is going to be great... I am looking forward to it," he said
and smiled.
I smiled back at him and looked at my watch.
"Okay, well.. Georg, it's already 11PM, I better head back to my
room."
Georg looked at me, and his smile turned a bit evil.
"Ahan? And for what do you want to go back there?"
God, I had completely forgotten. I didn't need to go there. For what?
I could stay with Georg here, wouldn't be a problem!
"Man, I am an idiot! I will stay here - if you don't mind.. ?"
"What a question babe. My room is yours, which includes all of it's
contents - even me," he said and grinned.
"Offer accepted," I replied and hugged him again.
We just lay there like that, caressing each other, and me running my
hands trough my love's hair from time to time. I loved doing that and
after an hour or so, sleep overcame both of us and we drifted into the
land of dreams.



It was about 11PM and Daniel was not feeling too well. He was in his
room, all alone, with no lights on lying on his bed. He had relaxed a
bit in contrast to how he felt before but now he was feeling somehow
'stripped' in front of Kaneda. There was no way to undo his kiss, he
was 'out' to Kaneda. But it was so wrong! Kaneda knew now how he felt
and the same time Daniel had this thought he screamed a little for he
didn't want this feelings at all. He tried to analyze what had driven
him to kiss Kaneda. It wasn't an easy task for him to do since he was
denying the fact that he was feeling anything, and behaving this way,
he could not come to a rational explanation for his doings. After
thinking (and not thinking the same time) about his kiss, Daniel felt
even worse. He tried not to open himself up to the feelings he had
deep in himself. He wouldn't let them surface again he promised
himself. Daniel just wanted to be as normal as any other guy. But this
picture of normality appeared to him like a puzzle which was nearly
complete but with one part missing. He felt that a rather bad and dark
side of his self had deliberately taken and burnt the piece in front
of his eyes, destroying the chance of putting this fragile puzzle back
together. He knew that he was absolutely conscious when his lips had
touched Kaneda's. He had seen his hands move towards Kaneda's head. He
had felt like he was a spectator in his own body that time.
Daniel didn't know what to do. One could see that he needed help but
he strongly refused any help he would get. It didn't fit his concept
of being a tough, straight guy to be helped. Daniel, looking up to the
roof, with empty eyes, sobbed a bit and he felt that his eyes were
watering.
He needed somebody to hold to and Daniel knew that himself deep
inside. He needed somebody who would just be there for him. He felt so
helpless and confused, not knowing what to do.
"Kaneeeda," he said and his voice broke even with this small word. He
kept on laying there, crying softly for being the way he was and not
seeing any help in sight. He was alone.
Kaneda knew about him [He felt alone]. 'So what' a part of him thought
[He was alone]. Another part thought that sooner or later Kaneda would
tell everybody and fuck up his life [He had no friends]. Another voice
suggested that he would look low of him [He was a fag]. The voices in
his head intensed with every second and more and more possibilities
were put into his consciousness [He was alone]. But one of these
voices had a deeper impact on him [He could not be helped]. It was a
soothing, solution-offering voice [He could not be cured]. It was
something which would help him immediately [He was biological waste].
It was so easy to do, and everything would have no importance to him
anymore [He was redundant]. Slowly the other voices in his head got
lower and lower until he only heard one firm voice in his head saying
the same word again and again [He was a sinner]. He felt so reliefed,
he had a solution [He was gay]. It was a solution [He deserved death].
He started to form the word he was hearing with his lips:
"Jump," he said, with no intonation.
It was 'jump'. Jump into nothingness. Jump out of existence. Jump out
of your worries. Jump and end this pain. Jump and feel better, Jump
and you will be save. Jump and you won't worry. Jump and erase your
existence. Jump and abide to the will of society. Jump............
Jump................ Jump........
His mind was filled with this word and he knew what he would have to
do. It was so easy. Daniel stood up and moved slowly towards the
window, having the jump-mantra in his mind which seemed like a
revelation to him. The chilled wind of the night blew into his face,
drying the tears from his blue eyes and brushing away his brown hair
from the face. It felt like the wind was caressing him, touching him
gently and feeling for him. Daniel stood up and was now standing in
his bed, and if he had bend forward enough, newton's law of gravity
would have been confirmed again. Daniel was still in pain, feeling
unimportant and not of any value. This kid hated the way nature had
created him. He had grown weak and wanted to end his worthless life
prematurely.


To be continued.
---------------


wow.. this one took longer than expected :). As usual I am open to
any critics and suggestions you have, and please let me know what
you think of the development of story.
tsuzahara@yahoo.com
Thanx :)