Date: Tue, 11 Aug 2015 22:32:05 +0100
From: Sam Bam <mansambambam@gmail.com>
Subject: Angsty Alexander - Alexander in the open 16

Alexander in the open 16.

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I look at the beautiful man before me. The man who I have loved for almost
a year, who changed my life in so many ways. I need him, want him, so much
right now. I know I shouldn't. I know this is giving me hope.

"Come here." I say.

Peter walks towards me, his lips hit mine and he keeps pushing until we're
on the bed kissing so hard it hurts but we can't stop. I'm pulling his
clothes off and trying to kiss his chest and stomach but he pushes me back
and undresses me.

"You're mine tonight. I'm here to make you feel good." Peter says.

We strip each other off and Peter pushes me back down. He goes crazy
kissing me from head to toe.

"It's been way too long. Fuck I've missed you." Peter says kneeling at the
end of the bed looking at me.

I pull him down to kiss me.

"I missed you too." I admit quietly as I kiss his neck.

"I missed my ass." Peter says rolling me on top of him and kneading my
cheeks.

I wriggle against him laughing.

I love that he's making me laugh, that he's taking charge and that he wants
me just for me.

As he fucks me I block out the madness of the day and concentrate on him.

"You feel amazing." I moan.

"You are so tight. Feels too good." Peter says gruffly.

We moan and grunt and kiss until I'm making a mess all over myself and
Peter pulls out to cover the rest of my stomach.

"You're too good to me." I say.

"You're amazing, that was great." Peter says.

We lie together a while. I'm exhausted. Peter cleans me up as I'm drifting
off to sleep.

In the morning I wake holding him.

"Last night was so good. We should get back together." Peter says.

"I just broke up with Casey yesterday. You knew this was a one off." I say
annoyed.

"I want you back. We're still great together. You need someone like me,
someone you can trust not to use you like Casey tried to." Peter says.

"Great. I'm stuck with you because I'm such a poor judge of character I'll
never find anyone who doesn't want to cash in on me. Never mind how much
you hurt me." I grumble.

"I'd never hurt you again. You need to give me another chance." Peter says.

"No I don't. I gave you the chance to fix it when we were together but you
didn't want to. I know that I need to stop having sex with you, that I'm
not helping you move on. I really enjoyed last night but it was just
physical. There is no hope for us getting back together. I do not want to
be with you, I don't want to be your boyfriend and even if I did still have
feelings for you, I wouldn't get back with you, I don't want a long
distance relationship again." I say.

"Last night wasn't just physical. You're lying to yourself. You still love
me." Peter says angrily.

"Think what you will, I needed comfort and you provided it. I never
promised anything more." I say.

I'm in a hellish mood. I get up and shower, leaving Peter in bed. I grab my
stuff and head to the pool. It's too cold for a run.

I swim for a long time. I've not swum much recently but once my body snaps
back into the rhythm it feels really good and my head soon clears.

I need to put me first, I have finals then filming. I've no time or reason
to deal with Peter.

After my swim I head to a coffee place near campus to warm up.

Barley and Patrick are there watching an open mic event so I join them.

"I hear you two are joining us for spring break. I'm surprised you're not
going with your group." I say.

"We want a stress free trip, no worrying about anyone else's good
time. It's our last spring break and we want it to be hassle free." Barley
says.

"Plus you guys are all hot. Nice eye candy in the sunshine. It'll be so
much fun." Patrick adds.

"I worry with all the breakups in my group that it'll be a bit too much
drama." I say.

"Your guy's drama we can cope with. It's easy to watch from afar." Barley
says.

"Where is Casey today? We've not seen you alone in forever." Patrick says.

"We're done. Yesterday." I say.

"Shit, I'm sorry. You seemed solid together." Barley says.

"I thought we were doing okay. It wasn't some great love but I really
enjoyed his company." I say.

"I'm sorry, still you're about to head off to California for a while, be
nice for you to be able to date cute guys away from school." Barley says.

"Yeah. I need to get out there and have fun." I say.

"So go have fun. We want to hear all about it. We're happily monogamous but
love to hear about everyone else being slutty." Patrick says.

We all laugh.

At home Harry, Eric and Jay are watching TV. It's snowing.

"Not working tonight?" I ask Eric.

"No. I've quit, at least until after filming anyway. I've too much on at
school and getting ready for the film." Eric says.

"Plus I would get jealous of guys feeling him up all the time." Harry says.

"So you are together?" I ask.

"We're taking it slowly. Doesn't stop me getting jealous, I always
did. That's partly why Bobbie finally ended things." Harry says.

"I'm sorry you two split. That sounds weird when I'm Eric's friend. But I
mean it's sad to say goodbye to something long term." I say as Peter walks
in.

"I'm glad he made the decision for me. We'd been having trouble for a while
and I was just feeling too guilty to end things. I felt like I'd stolen
Eric from Bobbie. Of course Eric tried to steal Bobbie from me first."
Harry says with no malice.

"I was a nightmare this summer, to you, to Jay, to Alexander. I've sorted
myself out now though. I feel guilty too. I thought what I had with Bobbie
was special, real but it was just lust. Harry was amazing giving us our
space to work it out. I think that is why I fell for him, the way he dealt
with everything." Eric says.

"Then we had our own period of lust, which Bobbie handled pretty well. I
think he felt he had to accept it. But at some point everything changed. I
really hope things work out between us but given how we started we're both
being really cautious." Harry says.

Eric is looking at him adoringly. I'm glad my friends seem to be starting
on something really special.

Peter has sat on the arm of the chair I'm in and put his arm around me. I
was so busy listening to Harry and Eric I didn't notice.

I stand up and offer to get drinks for everyone. Jay follows me into the
kitchen.

"You two back together?" Jay asks.

"No. Last night was a total mistake. I should never have used him like
that." I say.

"I'm sure he was willing. I know he was, we both were. I was kind of
disappointed you didn't choose me." Jay says.

"I needed a pounding." I grin.

"Well if you need anything else I'm here." Jay says and hugs me.

"Thanks but I'm going to steer clear of both of you going forward. Let's
get finals done then we're off to LA, I cannot be sleeping with my
assistant." I say laughing.

"Okay that is fair. I cannot wait to leave this snow and cold for the
sunshine." Jay says.

"Totally. I hope you've found us a great place to live." I say.

"Uh its more functional than anything I'm afraid." Jay says.

"That is perfect, as long as it's a short commute that's the main thing." I
say.

"Oh yes. It's not like you'll be there for more than sleeping." Jay says as
we carry the drinks through to the others.

We pass things out and I sit well away from Peter.

"You can stay in my room a while if no one objects. Brian's bed is still in
there." Jay says to Harry

"Fine with me." Says Peter.

"We best check with Jamie. Given I wouldn't let Felix move in." I say.

"Oh please, Felix lives here. He might hide in Jamie's room but he's here
every night." Jay says,

"Is it a problem?" I ask.

"No, I kind of wish he didn't sneak around to be honest." Jay says

"What are everyone's Christmas plans?" I ask.

"Going home, then I might come out to LA for a bit, if you guys have room."
Harry says.

"Same, I come out to LA on the 26th. Everything is in place with car hire
and the apartment for us all when you get there, I'm sure you'll manage the
first week without me." Jay says.

I nod and smile.

"I'm going home for the week, then fly out on the 26th. I'm not needed
until the 28th but Blair said to be around just in case." Eric says.

"Wait, you're having Christmas alone again?" Peter asks.

"It's just another day. I pretty much have the week off and I'll be happy
to have some downtime. I have to work on the 26th so I can't go anywhere
anyway." I say.  "But you've not had Christmas in 3 years. Have you
celebrated your birthday since you lost your Dad? When was the last time
you got a gift?" Peter says

Everyone is looking uncomfortable

"My car was a gift, your Dad bought me a bike and Abigail gave me the
teapots. It's not like I need anything anyway." I say.

"It feels wrong to me. Being alone for the holidays last year really messed
you up." Peter says quietly.

I'm massively uncomfortable. I don't want to talk about this in front of
everyone. I've been well for long enough now that Peter bringing it up
makes me feel shit.

"Well I can't live my life according to what you want. I have to work early
on the 26th. Spending Christmas anywhere that isn't LA makes no sense. So
I'll be alone and I'm okay with that." I say.

Peter walks out the room not looking at me.

"You can come with me and Mom but you'd have to fly back on the 25th." Eric
says.

"Thanks you offered before but I don't want to spend the time
traveling. I'll need the rest. I'll be fine. It is not like last year at
all." I say.

"Are you and Peter okay?" Jay asks.

"Not really. I was pretty mean to him this morning. I best go talk to him."
I say and head upstairs

"Can I come in?" I ask Peter.

"Yeah." Peter replies.

"I get that you care. I appreciate it, I really do. But how I spend my time
and who I spend it with is of your business. Even if we were still together
I would be choosing to spend the holidays alone. I cannot be dealing with
you making me feel bad about my career choices right now. I just went
through a break-up, we have finals which I have to ace to be here next
semester. I cannot deal with your issues and overstepping right now." I
say.

"Wow. So the last year really means nothing to you. I nursed you and cared
for you and helped you get back on your feet and yet it's none of my
business that you are torturing yourself in the same way all over again."
Peter says getting angrier and angrier.

"I didn't ask you to. If you hadn't stolen Jay from me and stolen my dorm
room maybe I'd have had had the strength to face the holidays alone. Maybe
I wouldn't have needed so much looking after." I say.

I head up to my room and go to bed angry again.

The next morning I repeat my swim of the day before then study in the
library. Determined to focus and get through finals without distractions
from guys.

At home Felix and Jamie are in the kitchen.

"Felix the others think you should stop sneaking around and pretending
you're not living here." I say.

"Ahh I like being Jamie's little secret." Felix laughs.

"We meant to talk to you. We've got a good dorm room together for next
semester. I've loved living here but we think this is best. It's in a
senior dorm and it's a pretty cool room." Jamie says.

"I'm sad for me and happy for you guys." I say.

In my room Peter has fallen asleep on my bed. He looks to cute to be angry
with any more. Feeling a little sleepy myself I spoon in behind him and
drop off.

He wakes me shortly after with a sweet kiss.

"Nice wake up." I say before I think.

"Could be yours every day." Peter says.

"Were you waiting for me?" I ask.

"Yeah your phone was off or you've blocked me." Peter says.

"I was swimming then at the library. It was off. It's still off. What's
up?" I ask.

"Just wanted to talk. Wanted to see if you were mad at me, if you really
blame me." Peter says.

"I do some. Last year was hard and you made it harder. But you made this
year so much better. I've never loved anyone as much as I did you and I
never felt so loved. You were everything to me." I say.

"But not now." Peter says quietly.

"No, not now. I'm not in love with you. I've moved on. You need to get over
it and move on too." I say lying.

"I just can't. We were great together and I messed up, I need you to let me
make it better. It was too good to throw away. We went through too
much. I'm the only one who really understands you and I'll never find
anyone who understands me like you do. You know I'm sorry. You know I
wouldn't fuck up again, you would always be my top priority. We have to get
back together. We have to." Peter pleads.

"No we don't. You didn't just slip up a little bit. You replaced me and
didn't even bother to fight for me. We were great together, amazing and no
I can't imagine having such good times again with anyone. But you threw it
away not me. You chose to try with Jay and not fight for me. You did
this. It's too late now. I don't love you. I won't love you. I can't let
myself love you again. It would be so easy to take you back but I would
hate myself for it." I shout.

"If I'm such a bad guy, if what I did was so unforgivable why did you turn
to me on Friday? Not just Friday but right after the breakup we were
talking friend with benefits. What's changed, why has it become so much
bigger a deal?" Peter spits back.

"I was weak. I turn to you for physical comfort because we're great in bed
together. It's not like you didn't want it to happen. You were touching me
constantly from the moment Casey left. You couldn't wait to have me. I was
stupid, I thought having you make me feel good was a good idea. It wasn't,
it was totally fucked up. I wish I'd been stronger. I wish we'd never had
that date and been together when you were with Jay. I wish that we hadn't
had any of those one last times, because everyone made me more like you and
I'd hate to be you." I shout.

"So you don't even want to be friends? Do you really have so many you can
afford to lose me? You're alone Alexander, you're right back where you were
a year ago, alone. Everyone leaves you because you're cold. You think
you're so great but you're not. You're a cold slab of marble who has no
idea how to love. No idea how to have friends without buying them. No one
is here for you Alexander, everyone is here for what they can get. Brian
left, Jamie is leaving. Eric and Jay only stay because they want to keep
their jobs. You're a fucking creepy loser." Peter says calmly and leaves.
He's angry, I'm angry. He's not wrong, everyone leaves me .

I push everything Peter said out of my mind and get on with finals. I don't
really see or speak to anyone at home, keeping myself out the way.

Peter and I see each other in the exams we have together but we don't
speak. We somehow manage not to arrive home together. I hate how things are
between us. I can't tell him the truth, I can't tell him I'm still crazy in
love with him, that it takes all my energy not to go to his room every
night.

It's easier this way, if he hates me, if we avoid each other. He'll find
someone new, he'll find the right guy for him, someone better for him, much
better for him than me.

I'm done with finals, packing for LA and running lines with myself when Jay
comes in.

"Hey stranger. Need any help packing?" Jay asks.

"No I'm almost done. Thanks for arranging everything at the other end." I
say.

"Well with Mart and John traveling I needed somewhere to live
anyway. Easiest with us all together. I warn you it is not a fancy place
it's pretty basic." Jay says.

"I'm sure it'll be fine. I'll be working a lot and there will be
parties. We won't be home much." I say.

"Any chance of you seeing Phil or Robbie and Dan for Christmas?" Jay asks.

"No, I'm seeing them all for lunch Tuesday but then they're all off to see
family." I say.

"You will be okay? On your own I mean." Jay asks.

"I'll be fine, you guys will be with me soon enough." I say.

"I'm really excited, are you sure I'll be allowed on set and everything?"
Jay asks.

"Yes of course and this will be a lot more fun to see than my last film." I
say.

"Cool. I'm glad we'll be spending time together too. As friends. I'm really
glad we're friends right now." Jay says.

"Me too." I say.

"Do you think you and Peter will be friends again? I thought the two of you
were doing really well, what happened?" Jay asks.

"We fought over getting back together. It'll be easier for us to not be
friends I think. Not for a good while." I say.

"He misses you a lot." Jay says.

"He'll be fine. He always is." I say.

That evening I say goodbye to Jamie and Felix and to Eric. In the morning
Jay and I share a cab to the airport as our flights are at similar times.

"See you in a week. Have a fun Christmas." I say and head of to the
sunshine.


Thanks for reading. Do send any feedback to the email above or via
mansambam.tumblr.com

That was the final part of 'in the open'. The next section is Sophomore
spring. I'm currently writing the Spring Break chapters, do vote on how
they should go http://poll.fm/5d8hg