Date: Thu, 25 Nov 2004 22:44:33 -0800 (PST)
From: Mickey S <njmcmick@yahoo.com>
Subject: Billy and Danny II, Chapter 35

This is a story of love between two young men. If you are under age, or
live in an area where reading stories that include sex between males is
illegal, or if you're not into this type of story, please leave. The story
began in 1969. While the characters and their story are completely
fictional, it is set at places that are real and is told against a backdrop
of some real events. This was a time when all sex was safe. It isn't now,
so please respect yourself and others enough to always play safe.

I would like to thank all of those who have written to me with comments,
suggestions and encouragement, especially my fellow writers in the Nifty
Six. The author retains all rights.  No reproductions are allowed without
the author's consent. Comments are appreciated at NJMcMick@yahoo.com.

Billy

A small convoy of cars left the cemetery so we joined in and followed them
to a house in Irvington. I don't know which of us was more nervous as we
got out of the car but Danny took charge.

"Okay, Billy, I know this is going to be tough but you've always been able
to bluff your way through anything. Just go in there and act like the last
five years didn't happen, like it's old times with the family. Be yourself
and act natural. Let them be the ones who are uncomfortable. We don't have
to stay long. I know you can pull it off."

"Yeah, I'm glad you think so."

Danny's advice actually helped a lot. All week I had been focusing on the
situation of the past several years, of the separation, of the issue of my
being gay and the abuse in my childhood. As we entered the house I thought
about the family gatherings I went to as a teenager, before I remembered
the abuse, before they all knew I was gay. I put myself into that state of
mind. I was better prepared to deal with them on that level. Besides, I'd
grown up a lot and had developed social skills for handling people, both
through years at The Restaurant and through teaching. I was still running a
bluff, however.

A woman I didn't know was taking coats just inside the front door. We
walked into the living room and there they were. I took on my sister first.

"Sharon, good to see you, though I wish it were under happier
circumstances. Duane, how are you, man? This is Dan Stephens."

I gave my sister a hug and held out my hand to her husband. He ignored it
and turned away. Neither of them even acknowledged Danny's presence. I took
a deep breath and turned toward Mama. She didn't look much older though she
did look tired.

"Mama, I'm so sorry for your loss. How are you holding up?"

I kissed her on the cheek. She seemed totally dumbfounded.

"You remember Danny, don't you?" It was hard to keep a straight face as I
said that.

"Y-yes, of course. I'm holding up quite well, with the help of the
Lord. How are you doing, William?"

"I'm doing fine. Danny and I are just fine."

I turned to look for Gram. I wasn't sure how long I could keep this up. I
saw her through a doorway to what looked like the kitchen and pulled Danny
in that direction.

A couple of women I recognized from church were helping Gram take food out
of the refrigerator and get it ready for serving. They quietly excused
themselves when they saw Danny and me. I embraced Gram and held her a long
time.

"It is really good to see you, Gram, but this whole scene is so
uncomfortable. I don't think Danny and I are going to stay long. You have
to come out to Morristown and see our house before you go home. We both
want to spend some time with you."

"And I want to see lots more of you boys. Don't worry, William, I think I'm
stayin' up here for some time. Sara's gonna need me for a while."

"How is she doing, Gram?"

"Not too bad, considerin'. Taking care of your father after the first
stroke took a lot out of her. Reverend Brown and Sharon have spent a lot of
time with her the last couple of days. She just needs time for it all to
sink in and get some rest and then she can start to heal. It would help if
the two of you could have a talk."

"I don't know if that would be a help or not, Gram."

"It would be good for both of you. Your visit the other night did your
father a world of good."

"I'm not sure about that. After all, he died the next day."

"He was able to let go because he was finally at peace. He couldn't tell me
about your visit but it showed in his eyes."

"Well, I don't think this is the time or place to talk to Mama, Gram. Maybe
the two of you could come out to our house for dinner and we could
talk. I'm not sure if Mama wants to, though."

"I think I can talk her into it, William. I've been workin' on her for a
while. I'll call you and we can make plans."

I dragged Danny through the house and said hello to the few people I
remembered from Mama's church. I introduced Danny to my Aunt Cora and Uncle
Roy. They were both very distant and neither one offered to shake hands. I
was talking to Reverend Brown when Sharon came up to my side.

"Can I see you a minute, William?"

I followed her into a corner of the dining room, leaving Danny with the
reverend.

"I can't believe you had the balls to show up at the funeral, especially
with that white boy." She nodded back toward the living room.

"I had plenty of reasons not to come, Sharon, but I had as much right to be
there as you. He was my father, too. And where I go, Danny goes. You
brought Duane, after all."

"You can't seriously think it's the same thing, William. I want the two of
you out of my house."

"I'd hoped you'd be more understanding. We used to be close, a long time
ago. But no need to make a fuss about it, we were just about to
leave. Thanks for the hospitality, sis."

Someone announced that the food was ready and everyone headed toward the
dining room. I slipped out, grabbed Danny and went out into the hall. I was
putting my coat on when I felt a tug on one sleeve. It was my nephew, Will.

"You didn't answer my question before. Who are you?"

I squatted down to be face to face with him, smiled and put a hand on his
shoulder.

"I'm your mama's brother. I'm your Uncle Billy. You were named after
me. This is your Uncle Danny."

He looked back and forth between us, looking a little perplexed. Just then,
Duane came into the hall.

"I told you to stay away from these men, Will. Now git." He gave Will a
little shove toward the living room and turned to me.

"I won't have no faggot pawing at my boy. Just stay away from him if you
know what's good for you."

I gave him my most charming smile.

"Go fuck yourself, Duane."

I took Danny by the arm and we left.

Danny

I was proud of the way Billy handled himself at the funeral but it was
really a strain on his nerves. It was pretty rough for me, too. We both
breathed sighs of relief as we got into the car to go home.

"So what do you think, Billy? Do you want to have your mother for dinner
and try to patch things up?"

"I don't know if it's possible but I'd like to at least hear her out. We
may not ever get along, but I need some answers from her."

Gram called a few days later and we arranged for her and Mrs. Matthews to
come to the house for dinner the next Saturday. Lucy offered to take the
boys to the Heath's for the evening and Charles got himself invited to
Keith's parent's house for dinner.

We set the time for five o'clock so Billy and his mother could have some
time to talk before dinner. Gram was her usual warm, loving self when they
arrived. Mrs. Matthews was very stiff and formal. Billy took her into the
sunroom to talk and Gram joined me in the kitchen. I had just put a chicken
in the oven to roast and there wasn't much to do for a while so I took her
on a tour of the house. To say that she was impressed would be putting it
mildly. We ended up back in the kitchen where she took over the rest of the
meal preparations. I had no problem with that, having fallen in love with
her cooking when we visited her in South Carolina.

"You and William have a beautiful home, Danny. You should be proud of
yourselves."

"We are, Gram. We both love this house but I'd be happy anywhere as long as
I was with Billy."

"I was hopin' to meet my great-grandsons tonight. Where are your boys?"

"Lucy took them to her fiancé's home for the evening. If things go well
with Billy and his mother you can both meet them next time. If not, we're
going to have you over as much as possible while you're up here anyway. How
do you think they'll make out in there?"

"I've got my fingers crossed, Danny. I know Sara loves him. She just gets
so worked up over the way she sees the Bible. Even Reverend Brown has been
trying to get her to see the Bible has more important things to say about
love than who you sleep with."

"Maybe they'll work it out. I don't hold out much hope for Sharon and
Duane, though. They were pretty rude after the funeral."

"I think I can get Sharon in line. She's still a bit afraid of me. After
you boys left last week I told her I'd take a switch to her if she ever
acted like that toward you or her brother again. She's not so bad, you
know. When they were growing up she adored William, even named her boy
after him. I think she's just been swayed by that husband of hers."

"Well, Gram, it would be nice if the whole family could work things out but
what's really important are those two in the sunroom."

Gram finished up the food preparations and then fixed us each a cup of
tea. We sat at the kitchen table and waited for Billy and his mother.

"How are you doin' with all of this, Danny? I know you've got your own
problems with your family. This must he hard on you, seeing William trying
to work things out with his family, not being able to do the same with
yours."

"I'm trying not to think about it too much, Gram. I'm happy for Billy and
I'm trying to help him through this the best I can. It's hard, though. I
always thought that if one of us was going to make up with our family it
would be me."

Gram got up, stood next to me and pulled me to her, hugging me and crushing
my head into her bosom.

"Your turn will come, Danny. You are such a sweet loving boy. I can't tell
you enough how happy I am that William found someone like you. Your family
is missing so much."

Billy

I wasn't at all stressed out at the prospect of talking to Mama. I'd been
nervous at the funeral because of all of the antagonism I knew I was going
to face. That was past. Now it was just Mama and Gram, and Gram was on my
side. Besides, Mama was going to be the one on the defensive. I didn't give
a damn what she thought about my lifestyle any more but I wanted some
answers about my childhood. Mama tried to make small talk at first.

"This is such a big house, William."

"It is, Mama, but we have quite a little family we've put together
here. I'll tell you about it later."

"Well, this is a very nice place. You boys aren't doing anything illegal,
are you?"

"No, Mama." Not unless you count what we do in bed every night, I thought,
but that wasn't what she meant. "We both work very hard and are careful
with our money."

"You seem to be getting on just fine. I have to tell you though that I
still don't think the way you're living is right."

Some things never change. I don't know why I thought that maybe they would.

"I'm not going to argue with you about that. If you want to be in my life
you have to accept me the way I am. If you can't, then you won't be in my
life. It's that simple."

"I have missed you terribly, William. I don't know why you turned out the
way you did, but you're still my boy. I suppose if I have to I can get used
to you being homosexual but don't expect too much from me, not right
away. I've been struggling with this a long time now and haven't gotten
very far."

"Maybe we can work on it, maybe seeing how happy Danny and I are together
will make a difference. But before we get into that, I have some questions
about my childhood, about Pop."

Mama looked away and started fidgeting with her hands.

"I-I'm not sure what you mean. Why would you have any questions about your
childhood after all these years?"

"I'm talking about how Pop used to beat me when I was little, about how you
let him beat me."

I didn't mean to sound angry but I couldn't keep the edge out of my
voice. Mama looked down at her hands in her lap, let out a great sigh and
spoke very quietly.

"You remember."

"Yes, Mama, I remember, and I want to know how you could have let him do
that."

"Your father was a good man, William, most of the time, anyway, but he was
troubled. I don't know just what was behind it. I do know that he had some
bad times in the war. When we first got married, he used to have
nightmares, like you did later on. Sometimes he drank too much. Sometimes
when he drank he hit me. There was an anger in him that I didn't understand
but that all seemed to end when Sharon was born. He calmed down
then. Things were good."

"So what happened?"

"After you were born, he changed again. I don't know why, but everything
about you seemed to upset him. When you were a baby he'd go off every time
you'd cry or fuss, mostly just yelling at you or me. Later, he started to
get physically rough. Sometimes if he'd been drinking, he'd hit you. It
didn't happen often but when I tried to stop him he only got worse."

"So you let just him go on hurting me?"

"Like I said, it didn't happen very often, William, the times he hit you a
lot, anyway. You've got to believe that. Mostly he didn't hit you any
harder than a good spanking would have been."

"I remember it, Mama. I remember a lot worse than spanking."

"I'll admit he got carried away a few times, but no more than three or four
times, I swear. There didn't seem to be any way for me to stop him. But
then one day when you were four, you spilled a glass of juice in the
kitchen and broke the glass. He lost his temper and hit you a few times and
then started to choke you. You couldn't breathe and I thought you were
going to die. I grabbed a butcher knife and cut his arm pretty bad and he
let go of you. I told him if he ever touched you again I'd kill him. I
meant it and he knew I did. He left you alone after that. After a while it
seemed that he'd finally come to his senses, that whatever demons he had
inside him were gone. He was a good husband and father most of the time
after that. You didn't seem to have any memory of those bad times and were
a happy child so I thought that was all behind us."

I thought about that long ugly scar he had on his upper left arm. I always
thought he got that in the war.

"Didn't you ever wonder what my nightmares were all about, Mama?"

"Oh, I was afraid that was it, but I thanked the Lord you didn't remember
them when you woke up. How long have you known?"

"Since that day I left home. It all came back to me."

"I'm sorry I didn't do a better job protecting you but I was afraid,
William. He used to hit me, too. And he never really hurt you bad. The one
time he was out of control I did stop him. I'm not trying to make excuses
for either him or me. I did my best but it probably wasn't enough. Please
don't hate me."

I just sat and thought for a few minutes. With every word she'd said I
could come up with a picture, a horrible image of what had gone on. Oh God,
it would have been so easy to hate them both but what good would that do?
We had no idea why Pop had done what he did and now he was gone. Mama tried
and though I agreed that she should have done more, maybe she had done her
best. I could tell that the memories of all of this tortured her much the
same way it did me.

"I don't hate you, Mama. I don't hate Pop either. I guess I'll never
understand it and try as I might I can't quite forgive it, but I don't want
to hate anyone."

"I probably don't deserve that, but I'm glad. You're more accepting that I
was. And please believe me, I'm trying to understand the way you are. I
realize now that you love Danny. It's just that when I think about you in
bed with another man, my mind just can't accept that."

"Whoa, Mama, stop right there. Let me ask you this. What goes through your
mind when you picture Sharon and Duane making love?"

Mama looked a combination of horrified and confused.

"What are you talking about, boy? I don't ever think of that. That's none
of my business."

"Exactly, Mama. This isn't a gay thing we're talking about here. Children
never want to think of their parents having sex, so they don't. And no
parent wants to think of their child having sex, so they don't. Maybe we
think we're invading the privacy of someone we love by thinking of them
that way. You don't want to know what Sharon and Duane do in bed and you
shouldn't want to know what Danny and I do. Try to think of it that way."

"I know what you're saying, but it's hard. I'm used to the idea of a man
and woman. Two men is something so different it's hard not to think about
it."

"Danny and I used to do speaking engagements, mostly at colleges, trying to
get people to understand what it's like to be gay. Now and then some
college kid would ask what we did in bed. Our answer was always very
simple. We make love. That's all anyone needs to know. That's all you need
to know and should want to know. That's it."

"I'll try, son. I suppose I'll get used to all of this. I've missed you so
much over these years. I don't want to lose you again."

"Trying is all I'm asking for, Mama, all either of us can expect from the
other at this point. I've missed you, too. I want things to get better
between us, too."

We stood and embraced. I knew I hadn't grown any since I'd left home but
somehow Mama seemed smaller than I'd remembered. Maybe we just hadn't
hugged much in those last few years I was at home. Or maybe I'd grown in
other ways.

We joined Danny and Gram in the kitchen as they were getting supper ready
to serve. It was a pretty awkward meal but Gram kept the conversation
flowing. I tried to catch Mama up on some of the last five years. Danny was
quieter than usual. He mostly talked to Gram though he was polite to
Mama. Toward the end of the meal I explained to Mama about Tyler and
Jason. She wasn't very accepting at first but we talked right through
coffee and dessert. After a while she was at least as comfortable with the
idea of our boys as she was with me being gay, although that wasn't saying
much.

It was a start, anyway. We agreed to get together again soon to talk some
more and introduce Mama to the boys, Lucy and Charles. Mama said she'd work
on Sharon. She agreed with Gram's assessment that Sharon's opposition to me
was mostly due to Duane.

After they left Danny and I cleaned up and waited for Lucy to come home
with the boys.

"So do you feel better now, Billy?"

"I don't know, Danny. I asked my questions and got some answers. I suppose
it's a relief to know there were only a few serious beatings and that Mama
put an end to it when it got really bad, but I don't know if there's a way
to feel better about any of it. It's over, that's all, a closed chapter in
my life. Time to move on."

"That's easier said than done, baby."

"Yeah, I'm sure, but I've got to try."