Date: Mon, 06 Mar 2000 23:11:03 GMT
From: Dan Dev Drew <dandevdrew@hotmail.com>
Subject: Changing Tom's Underwear Part three

Firstly I'm sorry that it's taken me several months to get part three done.
You know how it is. I hope that you enjoy this chapter any comments,
criticisms are gratefully received. You can e- mail me at:
dandevdrew@hotmail.com

I answer all my e-mails so if you don't hear from me it may be Hotmail
that's at fault. I've heard lately that they're none to hot with sending
all the mail. Shame on them. Part Four is brewing in my head and I hope to
have it posted a lot sooner than this one.  I have another story on the
Nifty Archive and you can find it in the High school section. It's called
'The week that changed my life'


Changing Tom's Underwear Part three


The Christmas production was over with, thank God. Five days and six
performances of 'A Christmas Carol'. It was a great play and I had a good
time doing it but I really am glad that it's over. I had the leading role
of Scrooge, which is a real challenging role. All human emotion is present
within him. It was a modernised version of the Dickens classic.  In this
version it's 1989 and Scrooge is a Wheeler dealer yuppie. He has no regard
for anyone; his only love is the acquisition of money. He doesn't care who
he hurts to get it. The rest runs pretty much like the classic tale;
Scrooge is visited by his dead partner and told to mend his ways. My
favourite scene is when Scrooge wakes up after his three visitations and
realises that he hasn't missed Christmas day. The rebirth of his soul
starts there. It's an amazing moment.

Tom remarked to me that I was taking the character too seriously when I had
a go at him for nicking my beer from the fridge. Maybe he was right. If I
did, it certainly paid off. I got some great notices in the revues pages of
the university student mag, the local town newspaper and best of all, a guy
from the Guardian arts review supplement came up to see a performance and
raved about it. Myself in particular. He was a friend of Dan our tutor and
director of the play. Luckily Dan didn't tell anyone that he was bringing
up one of his friends to see the show. I think if he had I and most
probably the rest of the cast would have froze.

On the night of the last performance we had an after show cast party, this
was held round at Dan's faculty house. Cast, crew and close friends only. I
of course invited Tom. He was happy to come but asked if he could bring
Sophie along. Although I wasn't too keen, I didn't show it.  I okayed it
with Dan and everyone was happy.

By the time I got out of costume and down to Dan's, the party was in full
swing. Tom and Sophie were already there. Dan had a really nice faculty
house off campus, tastefully decorated. The main body of the party was in
the living room; I went up to Tom and Sophie as soon as I saw them. They
both congratulated me on an excellent run. Tom had been at every
performance of the play. When he told me he had bought tickets for the five
evening shows I said to him that he was going a bit too far in his support
for me. Of course there was an ulterior motive, he invited a different girl
with him every night. Not quite as noble as I had thought. Still, it always
seemed to come back to Sophie. Maybe she was the special one for him, or
maybe she was the one who wouldn't be rushed into sleeping with him.  Maybe
it was all about the chase for Tom.

I found myself on that train of thought and had to snap out of it. I knew
that if I started to think about it more I'd only end up getting moody. Not
tonight I thought to myself. Tonight was the night for superficial
congratulations. I went off to the kitchen for a drink, along the way I got
pats on the back. People shrieking "Darling, you were wonderful!" at the
tops of their voices.  Drama crowds can be so dramatic at times. I threw
myself into the role and lapped up the adulation. After all, I'm an actor,
I have an ego, please massage it.

I think that the only one who actually noticed that I was putting on an act
was Dan. I didn't know that until much later, when the party had finished.

A few of the cast and I stayed behind to help clear up. It must have been
one of the first times since starting university, that I went to a party or
night out where I didn't end up blind drunk.  Sure I'd had a skin full, but
I felt okay. The kitchen was tidied and we moved onto the living room. It's
amazing how much mess just a few dozen people can make. I excused myself as
I needed the little person's room. When I got back everyone had gone.

"How long was I in there?"  I enquired.

"Most of the worst of it has been cleared, so I sent them all packing." Dan
replied

"Oh, well I'll make a move as well then."

Dan grabbed a bottle of half drunk wine took it over to the sofa and
motioned me to sit down.  He poured two glasses and handed me one.

"Don't think it's crap of me, but really, that was an excellent
performance."

"Thank you" I blushed.

"Not just for the show but you did a great job at the party. Not bad at
all."

"Thanks, I think."

"No, seriously though, you've earned yourself some major credit. A plus,
top of the class.  Trust me kid, you'll go far."

"Thanks Dan, that means a lot to me coming from you"

"So, do you want to tell me why you didn't seem too happy about everyone's
praise for you?"

"You know what it's like. It's all bollocks. I don't mind it, that's the
business. But."

"But tonight you felt it was too much for you. Tonight your thoughts were
on something else."

"You could say that"

"Tell me to shut up if I'm getting too personal. But is that something
else, someone else?"

I nodded. He took that as a cue to continue.

"Would that someone else be that friend of yours, um Tom wasn't it?"

"Got it in one. Dan, I'll make you a deal. I'll spare you the how did you
know questions. It must have been obvious that I was looking at him all
night. And you spare me the 'I'm an older and wiser homosexual and no good
can come of chasing this guy' lecture. It's painfully clear that he is what
he is and beyond friendship there's nothing but a void"

"How did one so young become so bloody melodramatic?"

"I've got a bloody good teacher" I replied smiling at him.

"I will spare you the lecture. As for the older bit, you cheeky git I'll
let you get away with that one. But wiser? No. I just muddle through this
life as best as I can. If you were to ask me for advice I'd not really know
if I could give it. I can only say what I see.  And that's a guy who's been
around a bit, knows which way is up, but has found himself in a situation
that he can't deal with."

"What do you mean, been around a bit?" I asked with mock shock.

"Come on Andy, your exploits are becoming legendary. Stuff of myth and
rumour."

I couldn't believe what I just heard. I'd wouldn't have thought I'd made it
to the top ten most gossiped about list.

"Don't be surprised. I hear a lot of things. When you've lived in London
theatre land for as long as I have you find that gossip and rumour seek you
out like a fly to shit. Pardon the expression."

"Well, don't keep me in suspense Mr. Hello magazine, what have you heard?"

"Not that I'm one to spread gossip you understand. But so far as I've
heard, half the rugby team have been helped out in one way or another. Then
there's class, how many? Hmm at last count I heard seven. Could be more,
but we don't count the time that I nearly walked in on you, James and Simon
in the lighting booth do we? Then there's the vice chancellor's son."

"That's not true, where the hell did you hear about that one?"

"I didn't, I just made it up. Don't you see, that's how nasty rumours
start?"

We both laughed. I don't know why but talking with Dan seemed to make
things feel a bit lighter than they were.

"I observed your friend Tom quite a lot tonight. You didn't notice that
every time you looked away from him, he was looking at you. Every chance he
got. The girl with him also noticed. I'd hazard a guess that was the reason
for them leaving as early as they did.  She practically had to drag him
out."

"I just thought that tonight was the night that they'd get it on, that's
why she was so keen to leave."

"I'd say, as an observer of human behaviour that your friend has a bit of
soul searching to do.  I'd go as far as to say that he's already started
off on that path."

"Sorry, but I think you're wrong. Yeah, Tom and I had a night and yes he
had a bit of a freak out, but I don't think that he's given his sexuality
much thought since."

"You know, I've often found that people go for a type. Some people like
young guys, some like old. Some thin, some fat. Some gay, some bi. And
some, and I think that you've found yourself in this category, like them
straight."

"Well I have had my share of those in for the night."

"But there's something more, isn't there?"

"Yes. Back home, I had a relationship with my best friend. He was straight,
but we did stuff together. I knew that he was straight, but we had
something special. We got it on a few times but it was more about intense
friendship than love. He's had a succession of girls and has been with his
latest one for sometime now."

"Do you see a pattern in this?"

"I know what you're getting at. Maybe. I suppose you're going to say that I
only put myself in situations with people who can't or won't commit because
I'm scared of committing myself."

"Is that how you feel?"

"To be honest, until now I've not given it much thought. I don't know what
it is with me; I just seem to find myself in these situations. I've not
really given much thought to a relationship."

"Bullshit. Everyone thinks about relationships, one way or the other. Don't
get me wrong, if it's the casual no strings kind of thing that you're after
then good luck to you.  But and I hope you don't mind me saying, I don't
think it is. I think you use your sexuality for momentary gratification, it
puts the thought of commitment far out of the way. Why settle for one
person when there might be a better guy round the next corner? Sorry this
is becoming the lecture that I promised I wouldn't give."

"No, go on."

"Okay, Andy. I know you. Sure I've only known you for a few months but I
know you. I hate to say it but I see a little of me when I was your age in
you. I had a good time. I got about a bit.  I've come to think that it's a
natural rites of passage for a gay man. But there's always the thought of
running away from anything serious. Maybe it's the fear of getting hurt. I
know that I ran away from it for some time. I was more concerned with my
career and having a good time than anything else. It's very easy to get
caught up with all the crap in this business.  There are plenty people who
want a part of you but give nothing in return.  Then it dawned on me that
the only thing I was missing was someone who cared about me. It wasn't a
lightning bolt revelation moment, it came after I'd been seeing a guy on
and off for a few months. It was casual at first, mainly because of our
careers, his in particular. But the more I saw of him the more I realised
that he was the one. I could have dismissed it as a foolish notion but
something clicked with us and we've now been together for three years. What
I'm trying to say and making a huge speech about it is that you shouldn't
give up on your friend so easily. I know that you're probably thinking that
you don't want the hassle of dealing with the emotions of the sexually
unsure. After all he could end up resenting you and that's the last thing
that you want. But you're never going to know, if you run away."

I thought a lot about what Dan had said. I kind of made sense to me. On the
one hand I do go for the people I'm less likely to have a commitment
hassle, while on the other I do have the thought of finding that one person
running around in my mind. Why are things so confusing?

"You're not helping much Dan, I'm just as confused as ever. Some wise old
man you turned out to be "

"Hey, I'm 28, I didn't say that I had all the answers. Did I?"

"No. So what do you think I should do?"

"That depends on what you want. You can go on as you are now, I'm sure Mr.
Right will turn up eventually, then you can have all the trimmings. Picket
fence and Labrador. Or you could give this boy a chance. He clearly feels
something for you, even if he can't get his head around it yet. It won't be
easy for either of you, he's got to sort his head out and if you want him,
you've got to stop slutting around. After all, how's he ever going to think
seriously about giving you his heart if he thinks you're going to run off
with it."

"Food for thought Dan. I don't know. I don't know what I'm going to do. I
know that I fancy Tom like mad, but anything beyond that, I haven't really
seriously given much thought."

Dan topped my wineglass and proposed a toast to uncomplicated
relationships.

"Dan, can I ask you a question?"

"Shoot"

"You said just now about your boyfriend and about it not being heavy
because of your careers. Is he an actor as well?"

"No, worse. He's in the pop business"

"Anyone I'd have heard of?"

"Probably. Listen Andy, what I'm going to say now doesn't leave these four
walls."

"Sure."

He got up slightly out of his seat and reached to his back pocket and
pulled out his wallet. He flipped it open and passed it to me. There was a
picture inside of two very good-looking guys, one a bit older than the
other. They looked very clearly in love.

"That's."

TIME OUT dear reader.

I did promise Dan that I wouldn't reveal the name of his lover to anyone
and I'm going to stick to that promise. As soon as I saw the picture I
realised the need for silence. Dan's boyfriend is someone quite well
know. He's in a popular boy band that's been going for a few years now. I
must admit that I was surprised to find out that he's gay and I can imagine
the reaction of a million screaming girls who put posters of him and the
rest of the band in their walls. You may remember a while ago, Stephen
Gately of Boyzone came out. Although it was generally well accepted, it
didn't exactly open the floodgates for the others to do like wise. There
are always rumours about this person and that person but they're never
really confirmed. Dan's lover is in a business that is concerned with one
thing and one thing only. Money. They don't see an out pop star as a
bankable commodity. They have clauses inserted in their contracts
concerning relationships. Apparently when the band was first brought
together they had to sign saying that they wouldn't get in a serious
relationship with anyone for the first two years. After that time they
would be able to, all be it in secrecy. So you can understand why I can not
give any more information than I just have.

"Like I said, we've been going steady for just over three years now. But
back when we met if someone had told me this was the one I'd not have
believed it."

"How did you meet?"

"Well it was nearly four years ago. We were at the Evening Standard theatre
awards party. I'd just been awarded best actor for a run that I was
currently doing"

"Julius Caesar?"

"Yes, well researched. I'm not one for a lot of the glitz that goes with
the job. There are those who spend their lives just famous for being
famous, they'd attend the opening of a letter if the drinks were free and
the press was there. I hate all that. My agent forced me to attend that
night, but I'm bloody glad that she did. It's funny how one insignificant
moment can have a dramatic effect on your life. He was there at the show
with his band. Some idiot thought it would be a good idea to have various
show tunes murdered by pop bands, his was on the bill.

The party afterwards was packed with names, all the pretension and ego was
out for show. I saw him with his other band members across the room. Our
eyes met for a second then someone tapped me on my shoulder to congratulate
me. By the time I turned round to see him again he was gone. I didn't think
anymore until a few minutes later he was by my side. I remember thinking
what an amazing personality he had. There he was probably eighteen or so,
world at his feet, a million different people would have sold their souls
just to be near him or his band mates and he was introducing himself to me
humble as could be.  He didn't know if I knew who he was and he didn't
really seem to care. We chatted for awhile, just sussing each other out
really. Then he asked if I wanted to get out of here and go back to my
place.  That was the first time I saw what a determined person he was, it's
his driving force and something that I've always loved about him ever
since.  Leaving the party was like a military operation; he left first
along with a girl friend of his. They got into a cab to go back to his
hotel and were snapped by every Fleet Street photographer.  Something for
the showbiz columns in the next days papers. I left not long after and went
back to my flat. Half an hour later he arrived having left his hotel by the
back way. We spent the night together and in the morning as he left he said
that he was off up north to play a couple of gigs but would I see him again
when he got back. I said sure but thought I'd not hear from him again.
Over the next few months we bumped into each other every now and then. It
wasn't until later that he told me that he made a point of bumping into
me. I remember one time I was rehearsing a costume drama for the BBC, the
next rehearsal room along was for 'Going Live' His band were due to appear
that week and they were practising their latest hit. Turned out that he
discovered that I'd be there at that time and got his record company to
bully the Beeb into allowing them to use that rehearsal building on the
same day that he knew I'd be there.  Another time I was in County Cork in
Ireland doing a film, he was in Dublin playing a gig, he managed to
persuade his people to allow him a couple of days off to relax.  Once they
okayed it he went straight to Cork to catch up with me."

"So when did you know he was the one?" I asked

"Well, we'd been seeing each other casually for several months. I didn't
think much beyond the occasional fling and as far as I was concerned we
weren't exclusive.  Practicalities alone made it hard for us. I was always
busy in some play or filming somewhere and he was often off playing gigs or
doing P.A's with his band. Whenever we did meet up it was always under
cover. We both knew the implications of him being outed and I for one
didn't want to be the reason for his possible down fall. It's a funny
business, show business.  Half the people in it or around it are gay, but
no one wants to admit it."

"What about you?"

"Me? Well I think it's termed an open secret. That means most people in the
biz know about me, whether it's their business or not. I'm sure that some
gossip columnist will sooner or later out me to the public at large, but to
be honest I don't much care. I've never done what's known as popular TV,
that's all the rags want to know about. If you've done a bit part in
Eastenders they'll print your whole life story. If you've done a theatre
run of Henry V in the West-end they couldn't care less."

"Anyway, so you were saying about how you knew he was the one."

"I was wasn't I. Well we met up one evening just before he was due to fly
out to Japan for the first leg of a Far East tour. We spent the whole night
making love. Then at some point he said that maybe when he gets back we
should move in together. He left in tears when I couldn't give him an
answer. I spent the next two weeks feeling very low. I ran the whole thing
round my mind till I was dizzy. It took me a while to realise that I'd
probably thrown away the best thing that had happened to me in a long
time. It wasn't till I had a long talk with Cathy, my best friend that I
knew what an idiot I'd been. She gave me the kick up the backside that I
needed to get over the commitment thing. It wasn't about our careers or
people finding out or any of that crap, it was plain simple commitment. I
didn't know if us moving in together would be the right thing to do, but if
I didn't give it a go."

"You'd never know."

"Exactly. I decided there and then that I was ready to take the plunge.
There I was, nearly twenty-five and about to embark on a totally new
concept for me, a relationship. I called my agent and told her that I had
to go away for a week or so. She passed that on to the producers of the
play that I was starring in. They of course were not happy and threatened
to sue me. My agent told me this and I told her to tell them to fuck
themselves. Then she came up with a better idea. She arranged for two weeks
off for me in return I'd sign the six-month contract extension. I'd been
stalling on that one as I was in negotiations for another BBC
production. Even though the BBC show would have been better for my career I
thought it was a small sacrifice. I jumped on the next plane to Japan and
was at his hotel to ask him to take me back. I still consider that to be
the best flight I've ever taken. Now three years later I don't have a
single regret, I'm very much in love. We bought a house out of London so
that we could be together without being bothered by anyone but close enough
for work. I've still got my flat in Notting Hill for when I need to be near
the West-end. Right now he's doing another world tour and will be away for
the next eight months. That's partly why I'm here."

"I'd always been meaning to ask you why you have taken time out to teach.
Surly that's not a good career move for you? You know there's all sorts of
rumours going round about why you're here"

"Oh? Like what?"

"One I've heard is that you're really here researching a film role. Another
one is that you're looking out to recruit people for a production company
that you're forming"

"Good rumours, but I'm afraid there's no truth to either. Though if the
second were true you'd be one of my first recruits."

"That's nice of you to say so."

"It's true, you're one of the most talented actors I've met in a long
while.  You stick with the business and with a few good breaks you'll be
well on your way."

"Wow, thanks. But you're changing the subject, why are you really here?"

"There's no story really. Last year during the summer run up in Stratford
with the RSC the head of the arts department came to see me. He put this
idea to me about teaching a class for the university. I had plenty of work
lined up but I started to think seriously about it, mainly because it was a
new challenge. I studied here and I kind of felt that it would be nice to
give something back in return for the amazing career that I've had. They
offered me a fairly large sum to compensate for my time but I turned it
down, I told them that I'd take a normal tutors wage. It's all worked out
well really. I'll be off at the end of the spring term, around the same
time as my other half gets back. In the meantime I'm off to Australia
tomorrow to meet up with him for Christmas break."

We chatted for a while longer until he checked his watch and realised that
he had to get some sleep before his long flight tomorrow. I left his
faculty house and made my way back to my dorm room. I didn't think that Tom
was there as the sign wasn't up. We always put a small sticker on the door
to let the other person know that we had company for the night. I figured
that he's gone back to Sophie's place. I walked in and turned the light on.

"Shit, sorry Tom. Did I wake you?"

"Yeah, s'alright. I wasn't properly asleep anyway."

"I thought you'd be off with Sophie tonight. You left the party early."

"Yeah well we broke up again."

"What? Why?"

"Oh just some bollocks, but if you don't mind I'd rather not talk about it
right now."

"Okay mate, but you know I'm here if you want to."

"I know mate, but all I want to do now is sleep, so put the light out wont
you."

As I got undressed he got out of bed and headed off to the bathroom. I
heard him taking a leak. I left the light on for him to turn off and
climbed into bed. A few minutes late he came back into the room and
switched the light off. Instead of going back to his bed he came over and
sat on mine.

"Andy, I think I'm going to quit this place."

"Why?" I asked a little startled by this revelation.

"I've just got to thinking. I hate the course I'm on. I mean, business
studies? It's really not for me. I think I'm wasting my time here. I'm
going back home for Christmas and I'll tell my parents. I know they'll
freak but it's what I want to do."

"Tom, is that the only reason?"

"No, but it's the main one."

"Does this have anything to do with Sophie?" I had to ask, even though he
said earlier that he didn't want to talk about it.

"Maybe a little. But no. I'm just getting sick of this place"

"Must have been some fight you guys had."

"Yeah, well. We left the party; she practically dragged me out. She started
shouting and screaming at me about some crap or another. All I said to her
was that I thought that we should join you and help you celebrate
properly. She kept on that I'd rather spend time with you than her. I mean
she went mad when I replied that it was your night and that we should join
in more with the crowd. She lashed out at me that I should choose between
her, the other girls that I was seeing behind her back and you."

"And me?"

"I think that she's just jealous of our friendship. I don't know how she
found out about the other girls that I'd seen."

"Well you know how people gossip. I've just found out some stuff about me
from someone else."

"In the end I just told her to get lost. I'm better off without her. She
was only dragging me down."

"And that's why you want to leave here?"

"No, not really. It's a small part. Like I said I'm not into what I'm doing
here."

"Have a word with your professors, I'm sure you can change courses. We're
only into the first term. I've heard about people changing after a year."

"Well maybe. I don't know"

The next question I wanted to avoid because I didn't know if I'd like the
answer. But I asked it none the same.

"Tom, does this have anything to do with me? Have I done anything to piss
you off?"

The moments silence from him after my question seemed to last forever. I
wasn't prepared for what I was to hear.

"I don't know Andy. I know this sounds crap but I just don't know what I'm
supposed to be feeling. Since that night a couple of weeks ago my mind has
turned upside down. I don't know how I feel about you, how I feel about
us. Even if there is an us. You're my mate, in the few months that I've
known you I'd say that you were my best mate, even soul mate. But I never
thought I'd be thinking the things that I have been about another guy.

I sat up in bed till I was level with where he was sitting and put my arms
around him. It was just an impulse, something that I had to do.

"Andy, don't." He said shrugging my embrace off. "Sorry. Look, it's not
about you. It's me. I don't know where my mind is right now and I'm not
sure I like where it's going."

There was a long silence. He got up from my bed and went to sit on his.

"Maybe it is you. Maybe I just wish that none of this had happened. Why are
things so fucking complicated? I can't deal with this."

I heard him get into his bed. Nothing more was said but I don't think
either of us got much sleep that night.

The next morning I got up for my last class of term. Tom wasn't in his bed,
I guessed I'd see him before leaving that afternoon. When I got back from
class the room was still empty. He'd packed his suitcase and gone. Not a
note, nothing. He'd gone back to his parents in Scotland and I never knew
if I'd see him again. With a heavy heart I packed my bag and left our dorm
room. I caught the train down to London to spend Christmas with my family.
Some how I felt that this years seasonal goodwill would pass me by.




**********



I wasn't really looking forward to going home for Christmas. Well, I was
glad to see my family but not looking forward to going back to my council
estate in South London.  If you can imagine what the arm pit of London
looks like then you'd have a pretty good idea of where I live. I've always
hated living there, knowing that there's so much better out there. Don't
get me wrong, I'm not a snob or think that I'm better than other people or
anything. I had a good time growing up around the squalor, but I always
knew that I wouldn't be content until I'd moved out of there. That's why I
grabbed the chance to go off to university as soon as I could.  I was the
only one out of my friends who did; everyone else either went on the dole
or went to work for the local industries after leaving school. I was
however looking forward to seeing the old crowd again. I had missed them;
after all they were the people who I grew up with.

I spent my first night back with my family, telling them stories of the
wonderful time that I was having away. The next night I met up with all my
friends down at the King's head, the local pub. I hate to say it but
nothing much had changed, they were all doing the same thing day in day out
that they'd been doing for ages. I guess that's not entirely true, little
things had changed. My oldest friend and closest friend Dean had got his
girlfriend Tracey pregnant. She was due in a few months and they still
hadn't sorted out a council flat for her. She and Dean wouldn't be getting
married, so the council would think of her as a single parent, she'd get
more benefit and housing allowance. Dean gave up his dream to become a
professional boxer and got himself a job working at Sainsbury's. It's a
shame really, he'd have made it I'm sure of it. He was really fit and had
won most of his matches in his weight class. He told me that he still hoped
to do some amateur stuff but hadn't really been able to do anything lately
as he's been working all the hours for Tracey and the unborn baby. As I was
hearing this story I was looking around the table at the five people who
I'd grown up with, I couldn't feel sorry for them as I knew that in their
own ways the were happy with what they've got and what they were doing with
their lives. But it struck me that out of the six of us four had kids or
babies on the way and not one of us was yet nineteen. Dean, Steve, Boyd and
Donkey, to me they had thrown their lives away.

The only ones of us who weren't in that situation was myself, for obvious
reasons and Barry.  Barry was one of the nicest guys you could ever
imagine, unfortunately he had a problem getting the girls. We were all
convinced that he'd die a virgin. He was also the only one of my friends
that I hadn't fooled around with. Told you that I had a thing about
straight boys.  Ironically none of them knew that I was gay but we'd all
done something in the past. I'd wanked off Steve and Boyd once each and
actually got Donkey to fuck me. That was one for the trophy cabinet. You
may be wondering why we called him Donkey, well for obvious reasons, he was
hung like one. Eight inches soft and thirteen hard. Now I'm no size queen
but for a time I saw it as a personal challenge to get him. It kind of
reminds me of that joke.  What's the difference between a straight guy and
a bi guy? About five pints.  He certainly lived up to his nickname, the
biggest guy I've had before or since.

The only guy that knew that I was gay was Dean; he'd worked it out when he
realised that our messing around meant more to me than him. We'd been
playing around for some years now.  I still reckon that he's more bi then
he cares to admit as he's never been shy about coming forward when we've
been alone.

I remember the day that he asked me 'that question' as if it were
yesterday.  We were both fifteen, we'd bunked off school for the day and
spent the morning round his place, both of his parents were at work. I'd
just given him my first blow job, we were laying down next to each other
making small talk mostly about girls that he wanted. That's when he asked
me. My logic told me to tell him the truth, after all I still had the taste
of his cum in my mouth, I saw no real point in denying it. Our friendship
grew stronger, I knew that he was just messing around with me and that
sooner or later he'd find himself a girlfriend and would be off.  I didn't
care; I just enjoyed the moment. In fact he did find himself a girl not
long after our conversation and much to my surprise he still came back to
me. It was a kind of role play I guess, I'd play councillor for him to off
load his relationship problems on, I'd sit there listening to him sooner or
later we'd end up in bed.

After chucking out time at the pub we all said our goodbyes and see you
laters and went our separate ways home. Dean and I walked back
together. That's when we had the first proper chance to talk.

"I've really missed you Andy"

"Yeah, same here mate"

"So, what's it like out in the big wide world?"

"Big. But I'm having the time of my life. Don't get me wrong mate, cos I
miss you like anything but I ain't ever coming back here. There's too much
out there to stay in one tiny corner."

"You don't know how lucky you are, getting the chance to get out of here. I
wish." He went silent.

"What?"

"I know I shouldn't say it but I've really fucked up. Do you remember those
dreams we had of getting out of here and making it in the world?" I
nodded. "Well you're on the way, I knew you would mate. Me, well, I've gone
and got Tracey pregnant. Kind of puts the brakes on my plans, doesn't it."

"So you're sticking by her?"

"Course I am. Don't have much choice. Still I'll make the best of it. Just
do me a favour, when you're a big star, don't forget about the little
people."

"You know I wont. You'll be the first person I'll send an autographed photo
to"

"Fuck you arsehole"

We laughed, Dean threw a couple of play jabs at me. Things hadn't really
changed.

Outside my parents flat I asked Dean if he wanted to come in for a drink or
two. He told me that he really should get back to see Tracey, she doesn't
like it when he stays out late. We said goodnight and I let myself in. The
flat was dark, everyone had gone to bed. It had been a long day so I
thought I'd hit the sack as well.

I'd been in bed for about half an hour when I heard a light tapping on my
window. I drew back the curtain and saw Dean there. I motioned to him that
I'd be out in a minute. I put on my dressing gown and went to the front
door.

"Is the offer to come in still open?" he asked

"Sure, what's up?"

"Had a bit of a barney with Tracey and she chucked me out."

We went into my room, I turned on the bedside lamp and we sat on my bed. I
asked Dean what had happened and he went into the events of the past
half-hour. He got back to Tracey's parents flat; she was waiting for
him. Although she said that she didn't mind if he went out that night she
obviously had a problem with it. It started a row between them and she
threw him out.

"Women" he said, "You never know where you stand with them. Look I really
don't want to go back home tonight, do you mind if I stay round with you?"

"Course I don't mind" I replied

"Be like old times"

I pulled back the duvet cover on my bed and undid my dressing gown. All I
wore to bed that night was one of my nylon thongs. Dean knew that I had a
thing for underwear and had seen me in a thong many times before so I knew
that he wouldn't have a problem.  Far from it, I often wondered if a
straight guy could have the same sort of underwear fetish as a gay guy.
When we were younger he was fascinated by my underwear collection. Many's a
time we'd be round my place, he'd look through my underwear draw and try
something on.  He knew that it turned me on seeing him in my underwear,
it's probably the same thing with Tom back at college, I love it when he
borrows something of mine.

"Hey laddy, you've really started to fill out," said Dean as I disrobed.
"Look, I think I see a slight hint of muscle there. What's happened to the
skinny runt that I used to know?"

"Fucking cheek" I replied.

He took off his top and then removed his trainers. When he pulled down his
jeans he revealed a pair of CK boxer briefs. Can't say that I was too
impressed. That said they were fairly tight and showed off the contours of
his arse and package well. He walked over to my chest of draws, looking
back at me he asked if I minded. I said go right ahead. He opened the draw
and had a rummage around. When he found what he was looking for he made a
beeline for his boxers. In a second they were removed. I can't tell you how
good it was to see that arse of his again. Many is a night I'd gone to bed
mapping his buns out in my mind.  He pulled on one of my black nylon thongs
and turned round to show me the goods.

"You like?" He asked with a huge grin on his face.

"Sure" I replied

He picked up his boxers with his foot, kicked them up a couple of times
then sent them flying in my direction.

"He shoots, he scores." Then mimicked a crowd road. He jumped down on my
bed next to me. He turned round so I was behind him, I pulled the duvet
cover over us and moved my hand down to his nylon clad package. I massaged
his stiffening mound, listening to his moans of pleasure.

"I've missed you Andy"

"I've missed you too mate"

He turned round slightly and gave me a peck on the cheek and said good
night. It really was like old times. Dean would always set out the
boundaries of our sex together, but he'd never do it in a way that made me
feel bad. I knew that he was only doing what he could to make me
happy. That's the guy he was. I'd lost count the amount of times that he
apologised to me for not being gay. I think he saw his role in our
friendship as my protector. He was a few months older than I. At school he
kept the bullies away from me. He'd even protect me from myself at times. I
remember a few months after I came out to him I said that I was planning to
go to a gay pub. Being only fifteen I had no idea if I'd get in but I knew
that I had to try. I'd nicked a copy of Gay Times from the newsagent, (come
on, no one buys their first copy of Gay Times.) I'd seen on the listings
page that there was a pub not far from where we lived.  When I told Dean
this he replied that I wasn't going alone. He'd heard all sorts of things
can happen to young guys in those places and if I was determined to go he'd
have to go along with me. I protested that I could look after myself. He
smiled and replied that he was coming all the same.

I can't say that my first venture into the gay world was a good one. We got
to the pub bought a couple of drinks and found a corner to sit in. Nothing
prepared us for the sights that we saw there. Men in drag, huge guys in
leather and moustaches, in fact every clich‚ under the sun.  A couple of
older guys came over to us and started to make small talk. At first I
thought that was cool but once I sussed that they were on the make I really
didn't feel too good about it.  Don't ask why. Just a gut feeling. I looked
over to the group of people these two guys had come from and kept on
overhearing the word chicken. It took me a while to realise that they were
referring to us.

The guy that was talking to me started to get fresh. He had his hands all
over me. Dean saw that I wasn't comfortable with what was happening and
told the guy to leave it out. They guy told me to loose my friend and come
back to his place with him. I looked at Dean and he turned round to the guy
and told him to fuck off. We got up out of our chairs and made for the
exit.

It took me a while to put that experience in to perspective and I went back
to the pub a couple more times over the next year. Both times with Dean in
tow. I started to feel a little more comfortable about going but I still
didn't feel that I was in the right place. Gay pubs were clearly not for
me.

Not long after my sixteenth birthday and another visit to the pub Dean was
staying over at my place. We were laying in bed chatting about all
sorts. He told me that he'd made a decision about something important. I
asked him what that was. He replied that he was really worried about the
time that I go out to a gay pub on my own. He knew that sooner or later I'd
go off with some sleaze "Chicken hawker". He said that he'd hate me to feel
in later life that my first time was with some wanker who didn't care two
shits about me. I thanked him for his concern but added that I really could
look after myself.

"Look, you know that us messing about a bit doesn't count and sooner or
later your virginity is going to become a weight around your neck. You'll
go out and do something stupid and end up regretting it for the rest of
your life. Most guys just want to loose it, while most girls want it to be
with someone special, I figure that you're some place in between. I think
it's about time that you lost it, but I'd want it to be for you with
someone you care about."

"So are you volunteering?" I laughed

"Yep. One night only, special offer. Never to be repeated again, Dean Jones
will for your entertainment make love to the only guy he'd ever think about
doing it with.  Roll up roll up"

"Arse hole"

"That's Mr Arse hole to you"

I couldn't believe what he was saying. We'd messed around but it was nearly
always me who did the work as it were. I'd wank him off or blow him,
whatever but he'd hardly ever reciprocate. I didn't mind that, I knew that
he was only doing what he could because in his own way he loved me. I never
questioned him about it. It just didn't seem right. Now he was telling me
that he wanted to make love to me. Was this the actions of a straight boy?

He jumped out of bed to my dresser table; I had a tube of KY that I used
for wanking. He got back into bed and started to grease up his pole. I
couldn't believe that he was actually serious. Then he reached over to me
and eased my pants down. Slowly he began to insert himself in me. Sure it
hurt but it also felt right. Once fully inside me he started to withdraw.
Back and forth he went picking up the pace once he felt that I'd come
accustomed to the intrusion. For the first time in my life I felt complete.

There were two major consequences to our actions that night that changed my
life. First was only short lived. Dean, despite initiating the proceedings
told me a few days later that he felt that he'd gone too far. Although he
was happy to do anything for me he didn't want me to think that he'd
switched sides as it were. He said that he'd only end up doing the last
thing that he ever wanted to do to me and that would be to hurt me. I told
him not to worry because for me it was as he wanted it to be. My first time
was perfect. I knew that he loved me in his own way and that was enough. We
stopped messing around for some time after.

The other thing that changed was my confidence. Until then I'd not really
seen myself as anything that good. Suddenly I felt more in control of my
life. Although Dean did what he did with the best of intentions he could
never have foreseen the result. I came out of my shell and set about
discovering myself. I went back to that gay pub and a few others without
Dean. No longer was I nervous about what would happen. People would chat me
up, if I liked them I went off with them if not I knocked them back, but
never in a bad way. I'm not the kind of guy who can treat people like
dirt. In my last year of school before university I must have really got
around. I threw myself into the one night stand culture of the gay scene, I
wasn't looking for love, just sex.

Dean meanwhile had a string of girlfriends. He was a good-looking guy after
all. We started to mess around a bit again. Never that much, mostly Dean
would stay over at my place; he'd strip down to his underwear and tease me
by dancing around. I told him that maybe he should give up the boxing idea
and go into professional stripping. He'd make a fortune with a body like
his.

Most weekends I'd stay over at his place or he'd stay over at mine. When we
got to bed we'd lay there, him on his side and me facing his back. I'd
start to caress him, just gentle strokes on his firm body. Eventually my
hand would end up hovering over his package.  Sometimes he was hard,
sometimes not. If he wasn't I'd take that as a sign that he wasn't into
doing anything that night. I'd just leave my hand on his mound and drift
off to sleep. If I felt through his underwear that he was hard I'd slip my
hand in, take out his tool and jerk him off. Around that time that was all
we'd do. I didn't care, it suited me fine. As I've said before I knew he
was doing what he could to show that in his way he cared for me. As for me,
most weekends I got to play with the cock of probably the best looking guy
at school.

About six months before I went away to Uni. Dean started to go out with
Tracey. This was it as far as he was concerned, the real thing. L-O-V-E. I
have to say that I found that I really liked her, I could see that she'd be
right for Dean. I told him that on my last night before going away. I said
that I was happy that he was with her and that she'd better look after him
or she'll have me to deal with.

Now four months later I was back in my old bed with my arms round my oldest
friend. The person who I loved for so long. In such a short time I could
see that he'd become so unhappy.  My thoughts were interrupted by the soft
sound of Dean crying. I'd never see him cry in all the years I'd known
him. He really was fucked up. I held him tighter and kissed him softly on
his neck. There was nothing I could say to make him feel better so I said
nothing. I just caressed his firm body till the crying stopped and sleep
came to him. I caught myself thinking about how things were between Tom and
I. Maybe this was a pattern that my life would be. Maybe I'd carry on
falling for the unobtainable straight guy. There were so many parallels
between Dean and Tom. In the end though it was my own fault for falling for
the same type of guy. I made an early New Years resolution to look for love
in the realistic world and give the unsure a wide berth. But as even as I
thought those words I knew that they were bull, if Tom came calling I'd be
there like a shot. Even more frightening was the thought that came after,
that if both Tom and Dean came calling I knew that I'd go with Tom. I don't
know why, I just knew that if I had to choose, the guy that was sleeping
soundly next to me, my oldest and closest friend wouldn't be the one. I
drifted off into an uneasy sleep.

I woke up the next morning, Dean still next to me. He'd turned round and
was holding me in a hug. I opened my eyes after a few seconds of adjusting
to the light I saw Deans smiling face.

"Wakey wakey sleepy head"

"Hmm, what time is it?"

"Time you and I were up, before your parents come in to check up on you.
Don't think they'd be too happy seeing us like this."

"They've never had a problem with you staying over in the past. But you're
right if they could see the morning hard on between my legs they may get
the wrong impression."

"Or the right one. Their son's a homo. Don't you think it's about time that
you told them?"

"Yeah, I will. Just not yet. I know that in the end they'll be okay with
me, it's just the mess that we'll have to go through to get to that place
that I'm dreading. I can do without that right now."

"Well you know best, but if you want them to be proud of their son for real
they've got to know who he is. If you're ever going to introduce this Tom
of yours to them they better know that he's your lover not your friend, or
else they'll be a hell of a confusion."

"How do you know about Tom?" I enquired, slightly alarmed

"You whispered his name a couple of times before you woke up. So is he your
boyfriend?"

I told Dean about my relationship with Tom. He laid there quietly until I'd
finished.

"You poor guy." He said finally breaking his silence. "You don't half know
how to pick 'em.  What is it with you and straight guys?"

"Well I blame you. Look at you all gorgeous that you are. Straight you say?
Well for a straight guy you've got a funny way of showing it."

"True, I can't argue with that. Not when I'm laying here next to you with
my arms around you, wearing your sexy underwear. All I will say in my
defence is that I'd never even have thought about going with a guy if it
hadn't been for you. I don't find blokes attractive; I never look at one
and think wow. It's you Andy; you've got something special that is very
attractive. I've enjoyed our times together but if I thought about doing
anything of what we've done with another guy I'd be physically sick. You've
got something and I have no idea what, that would make even the straightest
guy in the world go gay for a day. If I wasn't such a wanker I'd have
realised years ago that I loved you and run away from Tracy and we'd be
happy ever after.  Thing is that despite all our problems I really love her
and now she's having our baby I'm not going to let her go. Talking of
which, I should get on over there and sort things out."

He got out of bed still wearing my black nylon thong; I followed out and
found my dressing gown. Dean was hunting around for his clothes; I couldn't
help staring at him. Every time he bent down the thong back rode slightly
further up his crack. Man he was sexy. I'd seen this sight many times
before but I couldn't help wonder if I'd ever see it again after this
morning.

If ever there was a guy built to wear a thong it was Dean, he always looked
great in one. I wondered if Tracey thought so as well. I thought maybe not
as he came to me last night in boxers. Maybe she was one of those prudes
who believe that only women should have hot underwear.

"Do you mind if I keep these?" Dean asked pointing to the black nylon
thong.  As if he'd read my mind he continued "Tracy isn't into them but I
don't care. She prefers me in Boxers.  Personally I still like both, but
whenever I wear a thong it reminds me of you. Maybe because all the thongs
I own are yours. Do you remember the first time you bought one?"

"Sure I do, but as you well know we didn't buy it."

"No, you were well to nervous to take it up to the counter."

This was true; we were both fifteen at the time and were bunking off
school.  We decided to take the Tube over to Knightsbridge and have a
wonder around Harrods.  Pretend to be posh for the day. Not only that, we
were on the nick. We did it for laughs really, thieving anything we could
get away with. As we wondered round the men's wear department I spotted a
Hom display. I felt something stir inside me, I'd never seen underwear like
it before. A small cotton brief with nothing but a cord at the back. I
pointed it out to Dean and said that I really had to get one of those. At
ś10 a pair I though that it was a bit pricey, so when no one was looking
I grabbed a couple of boxes off the display and shoved them in my coat
pocket.  Luckily when I got home I found that they were the right size for
me. As soon as we got into my bedroom I closed the door. I said to Dean
that I wanted to try them on. I didn't even wait to hear if he objected I
pulled my jeans and briefs down, standing half naked in front of him I
opened the box and slipped on my first thong. Two thoughts crossed my mind
as I adjusted myself. First that the string up my bum felt a bit odd, bit
like sitting on a washing line. Second wasn't so much a thought more like a
feeling. I was instantly hard as I put it on.

"What do you think?" I asked parading round my new underwear.

"What we talking about here? The pants or the hard on?"

"Either" I replied

"Well the hard on you'll have to deal with yourself, as for the underwear
I'm wondering if you're going to offer me the other one to try on?"

"Sure" I said handing over the other box.

He stripped down and pulled the thong into place. Wow he looked great. He
checked himself out in my full-length mirror, trying several different
angles to get the best view of his arse. He seemed very pleased with the
sight, almost as pleased as I was. Mind you I knew that he could see that
as my hard on had grown even more while I was looking at him.  He grabbed
my arm and pulled me next to him. I saw our reflection in the mirror
wearing the same pants.  He told me to take my top off so that we'd get a
better view. I did. I looked at myself and then at Dean. I couldn't help
feel that I was too skinny to look good in a thong.  Dean on the other hand
did. Even at fifteen he had a body to die for. He'd been boxing since he
was seven and had a very high level of fitness. Since puberty he really
filled out, his pecks were well defined as were his abs, now a six
pack. After a while of checking ourselves out in the mirror and just as I
was noticing that he was getting hard as well Dean grabbed my arm and
pulled me towards the bed. He pushed me down on it so I was laying face
down. Then he jumped on top of me.

"So the gay boy wants a bit of cock?" He said rubbing his cotton-encased
pouch between my butt cheeks. He kept on rubbing till he came in his
pants. I could feel his hot juice running down the inside of my crack. He
stayed there for a while not moving, totally spent. After he caught his
breath back he got off me, pulled his sodden thong off and held it up to my
face.

"There you are, a present. Don't eat them all at once" He joked.

He got dressed and said that he had to go. I stayed where I was, still
hard, wearing my thong and holding Dean's to my face. I must have licked it
clean, then shot a load into my thong.

The next day in school I found Dean at break time, he was playing a game of
football with some of the lads. I waited till he saw me and went up to
him. I told him to follow me which he did. We went to the loos in the upper
building. Out of bounds during break so I knew that we wouldn't be
bothered. I showed him into a cubicle and locked the door behind us. I
undid my trousers and showed him the thong. I told him that I'd been
wearing it all morning and had been half-hard through most of it. He was
well impressed with that. He asked if he could have the second thong so he
could do the same tomorrow. I replied that I was hopping that he'd say that
and pulled out the other one from my bag. He quickly changed into it and
offered me his briefs as a swap. Who was I to refuse? I then pointed out to
him that we'd already swapped briefs as I was wearing the thong that he had
on yesterday. He seemed cool with that and later that afternoon on the way
home from school he told me that I wasn't the only one who was half-hard
that day.

A little bit later I found an advert for men's underwear in the back of the
daily newspaper. I sent off for a free catalogue, when it came I couldn't
believe how many styles of underwear there were. I spent hours and days
wanking to the pictures of the fit blokes on the pages. I finally plucked
up courage to order something. I took some money out of my savings account
and bought a postal order. I was too young to have a chequebook and there
was no way I could ask my parents to write one for me. A few days later
when I got back from school a package was waiting for me in my bedroom. I
opened it and found the contents. Five nylon thongs in different colours. I
tried each and everyone on, my cock so hard I thought it would burst. That
started my long love affair with nylon. Dean liked them too, when I showed
him what I'd bought he insisted on trying them on and modelling them for
me. A fantastic session that ended with Dean again rubbing his thonged
hardness between my buns. Was that really only three years ago? Seems much
longer.

I said goodbye to Dean and went into the kitchen to make some breakfast. I
whiled away the morning sitting on the window ledge looking out onto the
estate. Fourteen floors up I could see for miles. Nothing much worth seeing
though. Just other tower blocks and old abandoned factories. I looked down
at the quad, there was supposed to be a playground of sorts there but that
got destroyed long ago. I saw some kids half way through wrecking a parked
car. Its alarm was piercing even fourteen floors up, but they didn't
care. I wished I'd had a stop watch to time how long it took them to
totally strip it. I'd guess and under two minutes. If you grew up in this
part of town you knew your stuff. Not that I was into that. Sure a bit of
petty theft but nothing heavy.

As I was reasserting my vow not to end up back here I heard the phone go.

"Hi, is that Andy?"

I recognised that soft almost Scottish accent straight away. It was the
last person I'd expected to hear from right now.

"Tom? Hi."


TO BE CONTINUED.

16