Date: Wed, 11 Sep 2002 11:52:57 -0700 From: Steve Thomas <s4d@hotmail.com> Subject: Chris-Crossed 19 I have been informed that it would be a good idea to state a few warning comments. There may be graphic sexual scenes between men in this story, so please, if this offends you, or it is illegal or you are underaged to read such, stop here and hit your "back" button. If it is okay with you, read on and enjoy. Some of you have me figured out better than I know myself! Anyway, there were some surprises for me in this chapter. I hope you are not bored! I know I would be if I figured out everything before it happened as some of you do! Chapter 18 ended thus: "Chris," Craig said, "I am so confused! But -" "But?" "I am still pretty fucked up. Can we put off this discussion until tomorrow?" "Yeah." I could hear he was getting undressed, and I could hear when he got into bed. Then I could hear as he got back up again. He padded out and sat down in front of me. "Please come to bed - please?" I got up, and he went in and held open the sheet for me. I climbed in. He followed and spooned me. I felt cold. Then I heard motion in the other room. Then Rob came in, and climbed in behind Craig. He put his giant arm around both of us. As if to try to hold us together. Chapter 19 Saturday mornings and Sunday afternoons we had a standing reservation at the Smiths Table. Actually, it was open all the time, but we resisted, so they twisted our collective arms about these two times. No one told us where to sit. We just had our order. Usually Craig and I sat flanked by Rob and Carrie. This morning Rob and Carrie sat together, and it put Craig and I on the outsides. You might know that Etta could not let that go. "It be a big table. You kin ALL be hop-py. Or do you like make Etta un-hop-py?" She looked from me to Craig and back to me. Carrie spoke up. "Leave it be, Etta!" We all ate in relative quiet. As we left, I heard Etta say to no one in particular, "Bad biz-niss goin on! Bah!" "Okay, Craig," I said, as soon as we got out of earshot of the family, "shall we walk to the beach?" "I guess." We walked for a long time not speaking. Finally, I broke the silence. "What happened, Craig?" "I don't know." "That's a cop out!" "I really don't!" "You sound like my little brother! Well, then let me make it easier for you. If you did know, what then?" It was a few moments before he spoke. "Well, last night, when you out-ed me -" "Craig, I have thought of ten different ways that either of us could have gotten out of that. We were both just too damned drunk!" "I know." "So what's going on now?" I stopped him and turned, looking into his eyes. He looked away. "That girl last night?" he said. "Yeah?" "She - she -" "She's a slut!" I siad. "I know." "And you were drunk!" I was trying to give him an out. "I was, but -" "And you let your emotions and your gonads rule for awhile!" I said. "Chris!" HE finally looked at me. He had big tears in his eyes. "It was like she - she - reawakened something in me - that I though was - dead - or thought maybe never existed." I really did not want to hear this! "But -" I said. Now the tears were flowing down my own cheeks. He continued. "But - now I'm not sure what to think." This time it was I who looked away. "But Craig - you love me! ME!" He didn't respond. "DON"T YOU?" "Yes." "Craig, you did what you had to do - last night - to try to cover my fuck-up! Please don't let that fuck US up!" "I - I know. I - it's just that it has gotten me thinking." DON'T think! Sweetheart, DON'T THINK! "Well, do your thinking out loud. That way, maybe I can `help' you think! HMmm?" There were not very many people on the beach on that November first. He did not object when I wrapped my arms around him. He did not object at all. He also kept his thoughts to himself. We went and got Rob and Carrie, and went for a planned drive up to Solvang, a really cute little Danish town, about an hour and a half north of Santa Barbara. We arrived there in time for lunch, which Etta had packed for us. Carrie knew of a great little park, a little before we got to the town. We stopped there for lunch. It was a sunny, cool day. Rob and Carrie forgot we were even there, I think. They played like a couple of little kids, on the swings and hopping over the little creek that ran through it. There was also a little zoo of sorts. It was really just a place where the park ranger kept wounded animals until they were good enough to let go. But there were some deer there that would eat out of your hand. The ranger said he does not normally encourage getting friendly with the animals, because it endangered their lives. But these deer had been there so long and were very tame. Craig and I fed them, and he pushed me on the swing for awhile. We were both rather quiet. When we left the park, we went to the town of Solvang. We walked through many touristy shops. It seriously looked like a town out of another age, and another place. We bought some Danish pastries from one of several bakeries. We went to the nearby Anderson's Split Pea Soup Restaurant on the way home, in Buellton, not too far from Solvang. Rob and Carrie had us take pictures of them posing in silly scenes with cutouts for faces. They badgered us into putting our faces into one with a little guy, all bandaged up, holding a pea, while a huge guy was poised over him with a cleaver, ready to chop the pea in half. I'll have to say, their split peas soup was the best I ever tasted. They had what they called the traveler's special - or something like that - which included all the split pea soup you could eat, plus any beverage you chose. You could add "the fixin's" for an extra dollar, which included all kinds of extras to add to the soup. We bought some more Danish pastries at the bakery in Anderson's, to take home for the rest of the family. When we arrived home, it was not all that late, but we were all pretty tired. Carrie asked us if we were up to a movie. (They had a theater down the hall from the lining room!) We were just not in any mood to decide, so we just went with it. I don't remember what movie we saw. I fell asleep about 5 minutes into it. Craig gently woke me up at one point and whispered for me to sneak a look at my cousin. She and Rob were all wound around each other. They weren't asleep, but I doubt if they saw much of the movie! I smiled up at Craig. He gave me a peck on the lips, but it didn't come with much feeling. Maybe that was my own impression. When I woke up the second time, I was leaning on Craig. He was also asleep, and I was drooling on his chest. It felt so good, I didn't want it to stop. I breathed very shallow. But in time, the movie was over and we had to move. We went home three - well at least two - very horny boys - Rob and me! We went into our respective bedrooms. Craig and I undressed for bed. I got in my side, with my back to his side. He got in and spooned me. I whispered, "Where are you? I miss you." "I know." Was all he said. I turned over for a frontal hug, and his cheek on mine awoke something. I moved my mouth over to his. His lips were hard, but then they softened, and I felt his tongue at the opening of my mouth. I opened up and let him in. His intensity increased, and mine followed. I felt him throbbing against me down below. Then he sighed. "Wait a minute," he said. He walked to the door. I thought he was going to lock it, but instead he opened it. I heard him knock on Robs door. "You wanna come in with us tonight?" "No man, I don't think I wanna do that any more." "How come?" "Can we talk about it another time?" "K." And he came back to bed. Another big sigh. "It's okay," I said, "I wanted it to be just the two of us tonight." "I know," he sighed. We couldn't build back to the intensity we had, and out sex was lukewarm at best. As usual, I lay awake long after Craig was asleep. I finally fell asleep, tears streaming down my face. Sunday was a long day for me. Uncle Jake asked me if we wanted to go to church with them. I said yes. Craig decided not to go. We got home sometime after noon. When I went up to my room, Craig was not there. I sat on the couch, trying not to think. Rob came in soon after me. "You look like you could use some energy!" He said. He all but lifted me off the couch. He wrapped his big arms around me and enfolded me with his love and energy. I lay my head on his chest. The first big shuddering sigh took me by surprise. He held me closer. I started to sob. Rob just stood there holding me, stroking my head and saying, "Shhh. It's gonna be all right. Shhh." "Why does it have to be this way? WHY?" I cried. "Chris, you know there are a lot of people who love you!" "I know. Except for the one I want to love me the most!" I whimpered. "He still loves you!" "I know he loves me, but - (huge sigh) but I don't think he *still* loves me - not like he did - not like I thought he did." "Well, I don't know about that. I know I love you - you are the best brother a guy could possibly have!" "Will you - will you lay down with me for awhile? Just hold me?" "Aren't you worried Craig may come in?" "No." I said. "He knows how we are." He lay on his side on the couch. I nestled into the front of him. He held me there. Until the door opened, about an hour later. "Hi, guys." "Hi," Rob said. "Where've you been?" "Walking." "Well, it's time for supper now." Rob said. Then to me, Let's get more comfortable, eh?" We changed out of our Church clothes. Damn! Rob looks SOOOO good in a suit and tie! ********************************************************** Aunt Lindy seemed extra happy at the table. We found out why. She invited us all to stay for Thanksgiving. She told me she already invited my parents, and hoped they would accept. The biggest announcement was that Jake and Colin would be coming, too. Jake was always my favorite cousin, so this pleased me greatly. Even though I didn't know Colin well, I was warming up to him. There was something about him that kind of put me off. I think it was that he was too much like myself, if that's possible. Maybe that's why he got along so well with Jake. Aunt Lindy didn't push us for an answer immediately. There was a whole month to go. She was very sensitive that the other guys had families they may want to visit, and she just wanted us to have as much time as possible to make our plans. Later on Sunday Craig and Rob and I were discussing our plans. "Are you going to stay?" I asked Craig. I was afraid of what the answer might be. "I don't know. I don't know if my dad will even want to see me. I've never really been close with either Mom or Dad. I feel closer to Jake and Linda. I'll write to mom and see what she says. If they want to pay my way, I suppose I should go." And with current events as they had been, Craig's dad may well have been happy to receive him with open arms. "How about you, Rob? Are you going or staying?" I said. "I was hoping to have Carrie to my house for Thanksgiving. We all live close enough, it could work out. How about you?" Well, I was very pleased and a bit surprised that their romance was proceeding so fast. I had to remind myself that it was similar with Al. I didn't remind Rob. Rob was SO alluring to me. I knew he was to the girls too. He was a total hot package - and didn't know it! His accent made him even cuter! "Well, I hope my parents will bring Seth here." I said. "I know Aunt Lindy will have invited the rest of my family too. It could get kind of crazy with all the grandkids running around. Of course I want to be here - with Craig." I said that looking straight at Craig. He looked steadfastly at the floor. You can imagine how my heart was aching. Rob called his mom. She said, "That's easy, sweetie! We'll just have our Thanksgiving on Friday. You can bring your girlfriend the day after their celebration." Craig called his mom. She said she wanted him to come home. She said she would handle his father. My heart sunk. I was trying not to be selfish. I know that his mom must have missed him. He hadn't even come home for the summer. Please don't be too judgmental, but I wasn't too concerned about his relationship with his dad. I WAS too concerned with his relationship - with me! It felt like he was slipping away, and there was nothing I could do to hold him. Funny thing is, we didn't stop having sex. It was cathartic for me, but lost it's excitement. It seemed even less important to him. He tried a couple more times to invite Rob into our sessions, but Rob was adamant. Rob was a shy guy., but he had an iron resolve. I think Craig was wanting to identify closer with Rob. To somehow justify his own actions by including another, otherwise straight guy, in our sessions. At the time, I even thought to myself: "God! Has it come down to this? A `session?' I was pretty heartsick. When Thanksgiving rolled around, everyone except Craig and I were excited. Craig was filled with a certain dread at facing his dad. I was trying to get excited about seeing Jake. I took Craig to L.A. International. We hugged for a long time. It felt to me like it may be the last time I would ever see him. I controlled my emotions until he disappeared into the terminal. Then all hell broke loose. I sat down next to an old lady and just started sobbing. She patted my leg. She asked if there was anything she could do. I said no. She extended her arms. I almost fell into them. I cried until I had no tears left in me. She finally asked me if I was going to be all right. I said yes. Her family was waiting for her. I walked to the car like a zombie. The two hour drive turned into four, because of all the traffic. I needed that time. I just barely got home and Carrie asked me if I wanted to come with them to get Jake and Colin. I was on auto-pilot. All the way back to L.A.! Carrie and Rob sat in the front seat of the SUV. I sat in the back, alternately silently crying and spacing. I willed myself to stop when we got close to Santa Monica, and by the time we were at the airport, I was at least not red-eyed. We had to wait an hour for Jake and Colin. When they appeared, Carrie started to cry. As they got closer, it was apparent why. Colin was walking kind of in front of Jake, hand-in-hand. When they got closer I could see what Carrie apparently saw. Jake looked terrible. He was all smiles, but he had lost so much mass - weight - in his body. As he got closer, I could see gray hair all over his head. There was a nasty looking sore near his right cheek. I wanted to start crying all over again. I didn't. I put on a happy face and welcomed them both, trying to treat them equally, and trying to act as if I didn't see what I saw. Christ! It had only been 2 months! As we rode back in the SUV. Rob drove, and Carrie sat next to him, with her head on his shoulder. Jake sat between Colin and me. He leaned heavily on Colin. It was getting dark anyway, and with the dark windows in the back, it was almost like night anyway. Other than that, the conversation was excited and happy. We talked about so many things. They told us the perverts that assaulted my brother were still in jail, but their trial would be pretty soon. Characteristic of Jake, he just could not wait to ask about Rob and Carrie: "So when do we get to witness you guys in front of the preacher?" A very pregnant silence ruled for about 20 seconds. "Well, that was interesting!" I said, to break the tension. "Well, we will have to see about that!" Rob said. "I hope it is soon enough that I can attend." Jake said, and no other comment was spoken at that time. I felt a tightening in my stomach. We talked about other things. Jake asked me if Craig was going to be here. I short-answered him: "No." He seemed to get it, and didn't comment further. We arrived home and when we came into the house, Aunt Lindy, Uncle Jake and Etta were all waiting in the entry. This was Wednesday night, so my parents were not yet there. As Jake came into the light of the entry, I realized something. They already knew. There was no gasps, no crying, only hugging, laughing and excited talking. "Can we have everyone's attention, please." Colin said. "Jake has something he wants to say." "I wanted to talk about this before dinner, so we could relax during dinner, and not have it hanging over our heads." He said. No one hardly breathed. "I -" his voice broke. "I don't quite know how to say this. The doctor has told me I am - terminal." Obviously Carrie didn't know. She gasped. I looked at Aunt Lindy. She had tears in her eyes, but it was clear that she had been preparing for this a long time. Uncle Jake, always in control, was looking down, licking his lips and blinking his eyes. Colin was holding Jake's hand, silent tears coursing down his beautiful face. Etta looked somewhere in the distance. She looked like she had seen her share of tragedy. Jake looked at Colin. "I -" his voice broke again. "I don't cry for myself, except that I hate - I HATE what this is doing to my sweetheart," Colin kissed him on the cheek, "and the rest of you. I have long ago stopped blaming myself. I NEVER blamed Colin. He knows that. My error was done in a moment of impassioned rage and heartache, and - well - one just cannot go back. What I want to tell you all, is that - that -" He broke down again. Jake was always so strong, it was obvious that his emotional outbreaks were a direct result of his weakened state. "What I wanted to tell all of you is I have had so much happiness with this hunk here beside me, and my family (that's ALL of YOU, by the way!) have given me more joy than most people find in a lifetime." I was a mess. I felt I was losing Craig, and now this. I was not holding back any more. Well, I was, actually. I was all tears, but not crying vocally. Carrie was in about the same shape as I was. Rob was holding her and stroking her. Continuing, "The doctor has given me from a month to two years. Now! Please, now that I have told you all this, try to treat me like I am a regular member of the family. I like hugs - a lot! They seem to give me energy." Colin hugged him. "I don't mean you should pretend nothing is going on. Just don't assume I am going away tomorrow!" He waited, almost it seemed, for effect. "One more thing: I love each of you more than I can express! Each one of you has and is bringing light into my life." He then went to the Stereo and turned it up. There was some funky jazz going. "So let's par-tay!" He yelled. So we carried on like nothing was wrong. I felt odd man out. It felt natural. I had not forgotten my younger days. (well in truth it was only 2 years since high school for me!) But we all talked to each other. It was after dinner before I was able to talk to Jake, one-on-one. "So, Chris, you are particularly quiet tonight. What's up with you and Craig." "I - I really don't know. He is back with his parents right now, in Ohio. I just don't know where we are heading." I tried to sound non-committal. "Wow!" he responded. "I thought you guys were quite a number." "So did I." "I've been there. So has Colin!" He remarked. "Well I hope it all turns out to your advantage. It surely did with Colin and me!" "Yeah!" "Well, at least me. I'm worried about Colin. He is not close to anyone in Vermont - besides me. I wish there were some of you - you in particular - that were there with us. This thing is going to very hard on him." "I can imagine!" "But, he is pretty strong, and resilient. He'll be all right. I just hate to see him hurting. And as you may well imagine I see it the most." I hugged Jake. He felt like a skeleton. "You have always been my favorite cousin, Jake!" I said, my voice breaking. "I love you, too, Chris!" ******************************************************** Thankgiving day was a little more upbeat than the night before. All my family was there, so there was mass confusion, with my sisters and my brothers-in-law running after all their kids. Two sets of grandparents were there. Aunt Lindy beamed at all of it. She thrived on the family spirit! Uncle Jake helped out a lot with my nieces and nephews. He was always ready with a quick laugh, and a tickle, or a high-ride. I loved him so much! I actually forgot about Craig once or twice, as I got into playing with the kids, and conversing with so many of my relatives. I saw that Jake was very happy. That made me happy. I was ecstatic to see Seth! I got a few moments alone with Colin. "I don't know how you do it!" I said. "We take it a day at a time. We have decided to be thankful for each additional day we have together. We attend church weekly. There are a few others like us in our congregation, but we choose not to dwell on it. Jake says you are having a kind of hard time of it yourself." "Yeah, but seeing you and Jake sort of puts it into perspective." "Don't minimize your life - good or bad - by comparing it with others, Chris. I hope you don't mind my talking to you in this manner. Jake has spoken of you so often and so endearingly, I feel like I know you. I actually got the feeling the other day, as he was telling me of one of your childhood escapades, that you and I are almost kindred spirits. "Your are the center of your life, and it cannot be compared to others, Chris. I know of what I speak. There are so many people who are in such miserable conditions around the world, but we LIVE in our OWN world. Both accept what you and have be thankful for what you have. Believe me, it all is for your growth." He was looking deeply into my eyes as he spoke. I felt every word. He was speaking like a sage old man. I supposed he had seen as much sadness and joy as many old men! My mom knew something was wrong, but she didn't know what. "Are you okay, dear? I know you were always close to Jake. Are you missing Craig?" "I guess, yes to all the above, Mom." I responded. "Yes I was always close to Jake. Yes I am missing Craig," my voice cracked, "and yes I guess I am all right." "Are things all right between you and Craig, Dear?" "I guess I will have to wait until he returns to find out." ****************************************************** Chapter Notes: Sue me! Praise me! Just don't ignore me! Don't forget to put "Chris" in the subject line. Love, Steve s4d@hotmail.com