Date: Sun, 16 Dec 2001 20:21:53 -0800
From: Mike Canaday <canaday_81@hotmail.com>
Subject: The Closet Story

Hey everyone, I hope that anyone who is reading this is of legal age to
read this, as well as this being legal to read in your state or province, I
hope that y'all can read this kind of stuff!  Well, I hope that you enjoy
the read as much as I did writing it!  By the way, this story is
completely, and sadly, true.

The Closet Story

	Sorry in advance.  This is not going to be one of the typical
nifty.org stories that we have all come to know and love.  I wish it were,
but as it seems, its a true closet story.

	Okay, to start things off, my name is Mike.  I live in a smaller town in
southwestern Canada.  I have known that I was gay since the wonderful age of
eight.  I just recently had my 19th birthday.  I grew up under the
impression that being gay was what was wrong with the moral fabric of
society.  My parents would be like, "Oh thats so disgusting!", or, "They are
going to hell in a handbag."  and my personal favorite of, "Those people
should not be allowed to walk the streets."  So, as you can very well tell,
it has been very difficult to emotionally and mentally discover who I am,
because I have had to train myself to be masculine, and not be who I truly
am.  I'm not saying that in my life that I am meant to be a totally
flamboyant drag queen, but it would be nice to be able to let loose every
once in a while, and be....me.

	Things started off good for me when I got accepted into a really nice
University on Vancouver Island.  I kept telling myself , `the majority of
"experimenting" goes on in the dorms, and in just plain old university.  I
don't think that I slept well for like two weeks in the waiting for the time
to come that I leave the nest and go out and do things on my own.  Well, to
my joy, on my floor, there were eighteen guys, and six of them were drool
hot!  Now, I don't really know how I should describe myself, because
according to the archives, every gay guy is thin and gorgeous, with a
10"cock!
Now I am tall, I'm six foot one.  I have brown hair, olive green/brown eyes.
  Then here's the kicker.  I'm chubby.  Something that I have struggled with
the majority of my life.  I wrote other stories before for Nifty, but I was
never bluntly honest, but I have been reading for a while, and just wanted
to read something that was honest.  A story where the guy ended up NOT
getting laid, where he didn't live a picture perfect life.

	I quickly became really good friend with almost all of the guys on the
floor.  It was nice.  Because I was never huge into sports in high school or
anything, I wasn't as accepted.  However, when I came to university, I hit
instant friendships.  It was the best feeling for my life.  Soon after
moving in, I met a girl named Amanda, who I just totally clicked with.  She
was a totally open-minded punk girl.  She was the best.  One time while we
were walking, she told me, very nonchalantly that she was bisexual.  Thats
when I told my first person that I was gay.  It was like having the weight
of the world taken off of my shoulders.  The feeling was probably that
better than losing their virginity.  After holding onto a secret like that
for 11 years, it was nice.

	After Amanda, I told my friend Charlotte.  In my life, I have grown
up with the impression, with having homophobic parents, that nobody likes a
fag.  Every time I tell someone, it is totally hard for me to do it.  I
keep thinking that when I tell someone that they are going to reject me or
something, even though, to this day, it has not happened to me yet.
However, I still have yet to tell my naive parents.  Charlotte, however
took it quite well.  She actually started to jump and clap.  Go figure.

	During the first semester at university, I did the usual thing.  I
drank five out of seven nights a week.  I partied hard, and with the best
of them, as well as the worst.  I made really good friends with one of the
most popular hockey guys that I have ever met.  I don't know if any of you
have read the story in the archive, about the "Alpha Male" I would name the
author, but I don't remember his name, albeit he is an excellent author.

	Every time I was around this guy, I would have `the fog'.  I
wouldn't know what to say sometimes.  It seemed every time her looked at me
he knew that I wanted him, even though, apparently, everyone thought I was
straight, and with Amanda!  God bless the fag hag!  But still, he could
make me just absolutely melt with one grin, or, well, fuck, just anything
with this guy could set me off.

	Now, one thing I have to point out, is my taste in men.  In my dreams my
dream guy would be in-between 5'10 and 6'4.  I would love for him to have a
fair amount of hair on him.  Looks would be nice, but I don't think I should
be choosey.

	Now my friend and I had awkward moments.  One time we were chatting
on ICQ and he told me he wanted me to toss his salad.  I was just like.  Oh
my God, this is my chance.  This is what I was waiting for,, for a very
long time.  We would always be really weird towards eachother sometimes.
He would ask me if I was interested in anyone, and I would always say, "You
know your the only one for me!"  We would both laugh about it, but, sadly I
meant it.  Anyways, we would always be pretty rude on ICQ to eachother, in
the naughty way that I like.

	One night when he was up doing a Poli-Sci paper, and we were both
staying up really late.  It was about 3 in the morning when he ICQ'd me.
We were just talking and stuff, and that is when he brought up the `toss my
salad' thing.  After I was like, ya right man.  But, I ended it with,
"Obviously you are bored, so just come visit or something."

	About a minute later, while waiting for his reply, I heard a knock
on my door.  It was him.  He came in and sat down on my bed, which was next
to my desk, where I was at.  He looked at me and put his hand on my leg.
No word of a lie, no sooner had he put his hand on my leg that there was a
knock at the door.  It was someone for him.  He had to go.  That was my
first, and the last time anything like that happened to me with him.  I
have to admit, it was harsh disappointing.

	One time I totally scared myself.  I used to have a ritual of everytime my
friend came back from a hockey game I would always ICQ him and ask him for
everything went.  One time I was in my friend Amanda's room, and we were
just talking away for like two hours.  I left her room to go back to my
room, when I saw Ryan come online.
I asked him how the game went. Anyhow, he replied "Faggot!"  I was like,
`what the hell is up with him.'  Everytime I would talk to him, he was say
really rude homophobic things.  I was totally scared.  I mean, he was a good
friend.

	Second semester at university, I started to hang around with the wrong
crowd and became a harsh chronic (pot smoker).  It was something I still
regret, even though it has been a year and a half.  I still smoke, but I
think that it will be very hard to quit.  But that is far off from the
story.

	I was introduced to my frist person who was "out of the closet".  His name
was Ryan.  It was a really strange situation.  I was totally hoping that
when I met him he would be a hottie, or atleast decent lookin.  I was let
down a bit.  We sort of became friends and stuff, but he was a very forward
person.  One time I went over to his house to watch a movie, and he was
laying on me, brushing up against me, and just doing other stuff that was
making me uncomfortable.  I told him that in this stage of being gay, I more
so needed friends, rather than a boyfriend.

	I think that the biggest impact hit me when I left university.  I had great
trouble with my grades, so I decided that I had better go to a college or
something before I go back to university to make sure that I am ready for
the responsibility.  This is where I told another person.  Her name is
Alison.  She is great!  Right now, while I'm away and from my true home, she
is my foundation.  The only thing, is that she is pretty straight-edge, and
I'm open for anything.  Well, not anything, I just smoked and smoked weed.

	Well, I just totally destroyed myself at my local college.  I drank heavily
and smoked lots of weed.  I ignored all of my classes again.  Boom!
Academic probabtion for me!

	Well, I decided to just work.  I have been working now for a year at my
job, its a okay job, not a great job.  I'm a waiter!  Yay!  I have convinced
myself to go back to school.  With the money I was making, and the lifestyle
I was leading, I had to develop a total mind-set to go back.

	One of the main things that made me wanna go back was because of my being
gay.  I always felt like I was holding back and stuff, not adding up to my
full potential.
I was always being someone else, acting; as fun as it is, has been my life.
My acting is probably up there with the caliber of Russell Crowe
*drooooool*.  I think that when I go back in September, I'm going to be me.
If people don't like it, that is soooo their problem.  Okay, to be honest,
for now, I don't mind being in the closet.  I think it keeps some things
interesting.  Makes people think and wonder.

	Okay, well, this was just one of my little rants and raves.  I appreciate
anyone who reads this.  Anyone who would like to make any constructive
comments or anything you can email me at canaday_81@hotmail.com