Date: Sun, 12 Dec 2004 19:15:41 +0000
From: tim tim <noway16@hotmail.com>
Subject: chapter 60 of coach's assistant

Ok here it is, you have been waiting for a long time but this is chapter 60
of Coach's Assistant. Enjoy this last chapter for this year and of cause
let me know what you think of it.

More of my writings you can find at my website
www.geocities.com/timsfunplace.

So for all of you have a wonderfull holiday period, a nice Christmas and
all the best for the year 2005.

Of cause part of me writes because I like it, but I also love to hear what
you think about what I write. You can contact me on my e-mail at
noway16@hotmail.com.

Ok lets go on with the story here is chapter 60.



On Sunday morning, we went back for a few hours at the beach.  We'd drive
back late in the afternoon.  We had a good time but the surprise and
newness of things had worn off.  Thomas had tried to talk with me several
times, but I wasn't in the mood.  The fact that my dreams had returned
bothered me quite a lot.  As we were driving back in the van, I saw some of
the others look at me oddly.  Yea, they'd noticed, I'm sure, that I'd been
quieter that day ... but I had nothing to say.

By Monday we were back in our routine.  I was happy to concentrate on my
exercises, and I stayed more or less to myself.  Not a lot happened during
the rest of the week ... at least, nothing that was interesting enough to
tell you.  I did what we came to do ...  and I found that slowly I was
getting back to my old form again.  I could tell that Alexei was happy with
that as he tried to push me forward more and more.

I managed to stay surrounded by others as much as possible.  At least that
gave me the chance to not think too much.  Some of the others tried to get
me alone to talk ...  but I was able to avoid such situations.

That was the case until Thursday evening around 7 or so.  We'd just had
something to eat and we were planning to go to Amsterdam the next day.  The
four of us had been doing the dishes, but suddenly I was alone with Alexei,
and I knew he'd staged this.

"Talk, Nick."

"What?"

"Talk ... come on ... you've been quiet since Sunday, when something
happened, correct?"

"Happened ... what?"

"Well ... something must have occurred.  You had a good time on Saturday
and, since then, you've gone quiet and have been avoiding contact with any
of us."

"I've done what I came to do, Alexei.  I've trained and learned.  What more
do you want?"

"Oh yea ... that's the only good thing about this trip ... but it seems
you've just thrown yourself into it.  What happened?"

"Nothing ... as I said before ... now, leave me alone."

"Oh, no!  You're not getting away from me that easily.  You've been looking
tired and you're definitely not getting the rest you need."

I didn't answer him.  I wasn't going to any more.  I kept silent.  He came
closer to me.

"You know ... if you keep this up, there's only one thing I can do, Nick.
I'll have to call your dad tonight."

"Why?  He can't change anything."

"No ... but I'm worried.  If I thought you weren't coping, I told myself
that I'd call him ...  and, after these past few days, I'm on the verge of
doing that."

"Don't!  I'll get over it."

"No, that's not good enough.  Either you talk to me tonight, or I'll have
to call him."

"Damn you, Alexei!  I can't do anything about this.  I just need time."

"Are you sure, Nick?  What happened?  Did Thomas do anything?"

"No ... leave him out of this."

"So, he did," he said.  He was now standing very close.

"You're not alone, Nick ... you don't have to deal with this alone.  We're
your friends, remember that."

I looked at him.  "And you have Francis, Nick."

Damn!  I'd hoped he'd leave Francis out of this!  "No, I haven't, Alexei.
Truly, I don't," I said softly.

"Oh, you have, Nick.  You'll get there again."

"No, Alexei.  I've lost him.  I don't deserve him.  I just hurt him."  I
felt my voice cracking and tears starting to slowly make their way down my
cheek.

He took me in his arms and I cried.  All the pain ... all the fears
generated by the dreams that I had been walking around with since Sunday
... I let them all out.

After a little while, he cupped my chin and looked straight into my eyes.
"You just have to work for it a bit, Nick.  You didn't lose him."

"But I don't deserve him, Alexei ... and, since last week, he's distanced
himself from me."

"Well, just think about what happened.  There's no need for any of this."

"I don't know, Alexei ... I just don't know any more."

"I know, Nick ... and I don't have all the answers, either ... but I think
that, after all the times I've seen the two of you together, there must be
a future for you.  Your love was so strong, it has to be able to survive
this."

"You think?"

"If you don't fight for it, you won't know, Nick."

"I guess," I said, not yet convinced by him ... but I saw his point.

"I don't know what happened last week, Nick, but in Cologne you were
snapping out of it.  For the first time I saw a littlie bit of the real
Nick back ... the Nick we both know is still in there somewhere.  I thought
then, yes ... he's getting there slowly.  I know ...  and I think you know
... that it won't be happening in one go ... but you seemed to have reached
some major breakthrough last week.  I have no idea what happened or what
triggered it, but you know that you can do it."

"Oh, I guess so."

"Now, I thought you'd gotten everything fixed up with Francis again.  Oh, I
can understand that what happened the other night has thrown you two for a
loop ... but the worst thing you both can do is try to forget it by not
talking about it.  I think that that is the wrong approach, Nick.  You'll
not get him back if that's what you really want.  Do you want him back?"

"Back?  Yea ... back to the way things were a few months ago, Alexei!"

"Yea, I can see that, Nick ... but we'd all love to change things that
happened with us in life ... ignore them ... or just redo them in a better
way ... but you can't ... and you know what?  Most times, when I look back
at the bad things, I know I only got stronger as a result.  It might have
taken a while ... but I learned a lot by those things ... maybe more than
the times I just kept bull-headedly throwing myself at a rock each time
without learning anything."

"But he's changed, Alexei.  It's not just me but it's him, too.  I don't
think he loves me any more."

"Oh, how do you know?  Have you talked with him about it?  Did you ask?
Did he say that?  I don't think so, Nick.  I could see that he was hurt
when you started spending time with Thomas instead of him.  He wants you to
have other friends, I'm sure of that, as he's just not that clingy ... but
I think that you've overdone it the last week.  That, together with the
fact that you haven't talked about what happened, is making you think he
doesn't love you any more."

I just sat down, quietly wondering whether he was right.  It all sounded
very logical.  We hadn't been talking, that was true.  Every time we'd
gotten together alone, the atmosphere had been very strained ... as if we
were afraid we'd hurt each other.  Yea, that was it.  I was definitely
afraid to hurt him.  I couldn't handle hurting him in any way ...  and I'd
been doing that oh so much!

I closed my eyes.  But I loved him ... there was no doubt I loved him
... so much that I was afraid to hurt him.  What if it was the same with
him?  Oh, we'd really moved in the wrong direction.  And he deserved to
know, I guess, why I'd been treating him the way I had.

I looked up and saw Alexei staring at me.  "You think he'd talk with me?"

"He might ... it depends on the subject, Nick.  I don't think a talk is
enough.  It'll need to be a real talk ... you know, about feelings
... about what's been happening to you.  You think you'll be able to do
that?"

I know the doctor had warned me about this, as he knew that I'd to tell
Francis at some point.  But was this the appropriate time, during a
holiday?

"You think that this is the right time, Alexei?  Do you think he'd be able
to handle it?"

"Well, maybe you don't need to tell everything, but at least talk about
last week.  I think that's a good way to start.  You don't have to go into
great depth to start with but communications and trust are a part of a good
relationship.  You must trust him and he must trust you.  Trust that your
love is stronger than the pain you might cause each other."

"How wise, Alexei!  It all sounds so easy but in reality?  I'm still quite
messed up sometimes and, although you're right, I did have a breakthrough
last week, it's still not easy to talk about it all.  It's so confusing."

"The doc has not been helping you with it all, then?"

"Yea, he has ... but, still, talking to him is something really different
from talking with Francis."

"I know, but he loves you.  That must mean something, too."

"I guess."

"Well, I think a talk soon is a good idea ... but in your own time and
place.  I think that Francis will be wanting to do the same ... so trust
your guts and choose the right moment, Nick."

I looked at him.  He was right, this was agony ... and my dreams had
returned last week and, although I wanted to deny it all, I knew that it
had to do with the things I'd done with Thomas and the fact that Francis
was not there to protect me.  I knew I felt safe when he was around.

"Thanks, Alexei.  I'll see when the moment arrives, if we can move on."

"Good!  I'll make sure you have a hotel room together in Amsterdam."

"Oh!  Do you really think that's a good idea?"

"Yes, Nick.  Walking away from it is not a good idea.  You might end up not
getting together to deal with it ever again."

"Thanks for this, Alexei."  We hugged.

"You're welcome, Nick ... and, next time, don't make it so difficult for me
to corner you!  My god, I tried all week to talk to you alone!"

"Yea, I know," I said, blushing.

I had to think about it.  I smiled at Francis several times so he wouldn't
think I was ignoring him, but that was all I could do that evening.

I had a very restless night.  I thought about several things but I knew
that Alexei (and, in the past, the shrink) had been right, too.  We'd
planned a talk together with the shrink and Francis so he would understand
me better and things would be a bit easier.  I'd been working on that
aspect of my life before the hotel incident ... but, even so, that only
convinced me about how I felt.  The shrink was right: Francis needed to
know that, if there was a future for us.  But then, how would he take it?
How would he respond to it?  I know I'd been thinking that ending our
relation would be better for him ... but, at the same time, that idea was
unbearable for me.

When I got up around 6 a.m., I knew I had to talk to my therapist again.
It was 1 a.m. in the USA now ... maybe not the best time to call ... but
he'd told me I could call any time I needed him ... and I definitely did.
During the next 90 minutes we talked.  I was lucky to get a hold of him, as
he told me he was about to go to bed.  But, by the end of the conversation,
he was congratulating me for the progress I'd made and he urged me to take
the next step.  There was no reason to wait till after the holiday.  He
wanted me to do whatever would make me happier and allow us to enjoy our
holiday more.

I packed and was just ready for breakfast at 8, as we had to leave at 9 for
the airport to fly to Amsterdam.  When we got out at the airport terminal,
I walked over to Alexei.

"After we check in, I'm going to take Francis for a walk.  I think we need
to start to do some talking."

"Good!  I'm glad you're taking the initiative, Nick.  I hope I didn't
pressure you into this."

"No, you didn't.  I just hope that dad isn't going to be too mad with me
over my mobile phone bill, as this morning I talked with the shrink again
for ... well ... a long time."

"Ah, excellent!  That must have been some help?"

"Yep ... so, I'll make sure we're on time for the plane but give us some
time, OK?"

While waiting to check in, I sidled over beside Francis.

"Can we talk after we check in, Francis?"

He looked up at me, a bit surprised.  "Yea, of course, any time ... you
don't have to ask."

"I think I do, Francis ... at least, it feels like I should at this point."

"Oh!" he said.

We checked in together and walked away from the rest.  When David tried to
intercept us, Alexei told him we needed some time together.  I saw a gentle
smile of approval on David's face as we walked away.  We found a spot in a
corner of a little pub, which had some music playing, but not anything very
loud.  We were quite far away from the others.

I looked at him.  That same unnatural tension caused that same silence that
had hitherto been there between us.  I waited until our drinks were
brought, as I didn't want to be interrupted.

"I'm glad you wanted to talk, Francis."

"Why wouldn't I, Nick?"

"I don't know, Francis ... but that was the feeling that I'm getting.  You
know ... it felt as if we've been growing apart during the last week.  I
just had no idea how to stop it."

"I guess I see what you mean, Nick.  We've never had a week like that this
before, have we?"

"No ... but, then, a lot has happened during the last few weeks."

"Yea, I guess ... but I thought last weekend that we were at least trying
again."

"I know, Francis ... and I ruined all that."

"You didn't ... I did, Nick."

A gentle smile lit on my face.  "Yea ... Alexei told me you might see it
like that."

"No, Francis, I did it.  I pushed you to go on.  I flirted all that evening
with you.  It was me who made us go into things we might not have done
otherwise."

"Oh, you think that it was all you?  I should have known better, Nick.  I
should have known that it might hurt you ... well, you know where."

"Maybe ... but I thought that I'd hurt you enough.  I tried to distance
myself a bit ... but I can't, Francis ... so I hope you can forgive me."

"If you forgive me, Nick," he whispered back slowly as if he were afraid of
my answer.

"Yea, I think I can ... let's try to forget it all, then."

"No, not forget it, Nick ... talk about it ... and grow from the
experience.  I know what I felt while you were talking and doing all those
things with Thomas.  I don't want to feel that any more.  I want to share
things with you.

When he said the name, "Thomas," I started to feel a blush coming on.

"I never wanted that to happen, Francis ... never.  I'm sorry."

I could now feel tears starting to run down my face ... gradually more and
more of them.

"Don't cry, Nick ... please ... as we said before, we were both to blame
for what happened."

"Maybe, but ..."

"No buts.  I guess we have to see what we can learn from this, as I want to
do my best to prevent it from happening in the future."

"Yea ... me too, Francis.  You think that a promise to talk about these
kinds of things instead of running away from them will help?"

"It's a start, Nick!  Yea, I think that might help."

"So, if we're worried about stuff, or afraid we're hurting each other, we
promise to talk about it?  OK, Francis?"

"Agreed!" he said with a smile on his face.

Well, that didn't go too badly, I though1, so now what?  I'd never had any
difficulty in talking with him before ... but now it almost felt that, in
just one week, he'd become a stranger.

"I think, Francis, that you must have more questions and more things we
need to talk about.  I promised you that we'd do that when I was ready
... and I will, I promise."

"OK ... I can live with that.  I don't want you to feel pressured by me."

"No, I don't ... but I know we need to talk."

"So you enjoyed our stay in England, Nick?"

"Yea ... well, I think so.  The training went well and we had some good
times at the beach."  I blushed again when I realized what I'd said.

"That was a real surprise, I must admit.  I'd never gone to a nude beach
but that was fun ... so relaxing ... no loud music ... just the sound o the
waves ... although all those men looking around sometimes were a bit too
much."

"I know what you mean!"  We talked a bit more over the next 30 minutes
about what we'd been doing and stuff like that.

"I have one last question," I said to him when I saw it was almost time to
get to the plane.  "Do you want to share the hotel room in Amsterdam with
me?"

"Yea, of course," he said now, with a big smile on his face.

"Good!  I'll make sure Alexei knows," I answered.  "But now I think we'd
better get to the plane. "

We stood up but, during the last part of our chat, I'd had the urge to
touch him ... so I looked around and bent over and gave him a quick kiss on
his cheek.

"Thanks," I said to him softly.

He just smiled.  In the plane we sat together, but we didn't talk a lot
... we just enjoyed each other's company.  Oh, we played touchy feely a lot
... and I must say that I enjoyed that ... it almost seemed like old times.

Alexei had a big smile on his face as we walked back from our chat and,
although nothing was said, I could tell that David and James were feeling a
bit more relaxed now as well.

We had some fun on the plane ... oh, no, not what you're thinking ... we
didn't join the "Mile High" club ... but we talked and held each other's
hand between us most of the time.  When we landed, we grabbed a taxi that
took us directly to the hotel, which was in the city center.  We'd seen
quite a number of old buildings already and passed several canals.

"OK, guys ... let's get ourselves a drink before we go and check in," Alex
said.  We walked into the hotel bar, leaving our bags in the lobby by the
reception desk.

"I wanted to give you some idea what we'll be doing here, at least for the
weekend.  After the weekend, it's back to the training routine again.  But
this is Pride weekend in Amsterdam, so it's another opportune time to be
here, I'd say.  I've been here for Pride once before, about five years ago
or so.  I'll tell you what'll be happening: there'll be street parties
tonight by the canals in a few areas of town.  It's an easy town to walk
around, but just make sure you don't get lost.  Make sure to get one of the
maps that are available at the desk.  So I want to go out tonight, to one
of the street parties ... then, the parade is tomorrow afternoon ... and
tomorrow night, there's more street parties.  We can then see what we want
to do on the Sunday."

"Sleep!" James said softly and we all smiled at that.

"Hmmm ... Alexei, did you see that there was a gay flag outside this hotel?
Do they all do that for Pride weekend?"

"Oh," and Alexei smiled broadly, "no, David.  We're staying in a gay hotel
...  well, run by gays and probably most visitors will be gay, too."

"Ohhhhhh!" he said quietly

"Are you OK with that?"

"I guess so ... you just surprised me a bit."

"Well, nothing to worry about.  We have three rooms and you can have the
middle one, so if there's anything wrong, you can just shout."

I'm not sure that reply reassured David at all.

"So, what do you think?  Shall we check in and then, say, meet here around
7 so we can have something to eat?"

"Sounds like a plan to me," Francis said.

That meant that we'd have two hours to kill in our hotel room.  Although I
was looking forward to that, I was a little scared of the idea as well.  It
had been more than a week since I'd been together with him for that long.

The hotel room was nice ... not too big, but comfortable.  There was a
couch on one side and the bed on the other.  Between then sat a cupboard
which included shelves for clothes, hangers, a big mirror above and space
for a TV.  We got unpacked first.  As I was finished before Francis, I laid
down on the bed and just watched him moving around.

>From time to time, he bent over, exposing his very well shaped ass towards
me.  I laughed a bit and, when he heard that, he looked at me.

"You could help, you know."

"Why should I, Francis?  I prefer to enjoy the view."

"Oh," he said and countered by getting down on his knees to work.

"Ahhh, that's no fun," I said.

"Well, maybe you'll get bored and help me."

"No, I'd rather wait and see if there's more entertainment."

He smiled again as he put his last stacks of clothing in the cupboard.

He stood up and turned towards me.  He looked at me.  I could see that he
wasn't sure what to do now.

'You're not going to join me, Francis?"

"You want me to?"

"Yea," I said as I blushed.

For some reason, it felt like everything we did was new.  I knew it wasn't
but, strangely enough, I felt that way.

He got rid of his shoes and sat down on the bed.  Then slowly he moved his
ass down so he could rest his head on the bed.

"Hmmm ... I think I know a better place for that."  I pointed to my chest.
He slowly moved over towards me and let his head drop on my chest.  He
looked up and our eyes met.  I just smiled at him.

For several minutes we stared just like that, into each other's eyes.  I
could smell his scent, the one that I had been missing and really liked.
It was so typical him: even when he wore a good deodorant, I could still
smell the real Francis.

With one hand, I held him.  With the other, I ruffled his hair.  It had
been too long since I'd done that.  Then I started to slide my hand a bit
lower, over his shoulders towards his chest.  He took hold of it and
brought it to his mouth to kiss it.

"Not yet, Nick.  Let's just enjoy each other for now," he said smiling.

I didn't answer him but brought his hand to my mouth and returned the
gesture to tell him I knew what he meant.  My hand came to rest just beside
his right nipple.  I could feel his heartbeat, a reassuring sound with a
rhythm that I'd listened to before, on nights when I couldn't sleep.  It
sounded as familiar as the bird singing his early song on a beautiful
spring day.

We dozed off.  I could feel myself slipping into a wonderful, restful sleep
which was now accompanied by now two hearts flowing together to the same
sound.

I woke up a bit before he did.  I could feel his warmth now on the side of
my chest where our bodies just touched as he leaned against me.  I studied
his face.  It looked so familiar, so like it was a part of me ... as if I'd
known it all my life.  The little blemish just beside his nose ...  his
lower lip, which trembled a bit with each breath he took.  I'd always
wondered what would happen if I could put a flute or whistle to his lips,
as it seemed like he would play a perfect song without even trying.

I looked a bit lower and could see his adam's apple bobbing up and down,
giving further evidence of the air that flowed in and out of his body,
sustaining his life.
  The idea of living without him hurt from the moment I thought about him,
as if life and death were inextricably intertwined in my mind.

Yea, I loved him.  Trying to deny that had been foolish.  There was no one
on this earth that I'd rather spend my life with than with him.  From the
beginning, it'd felt like I'd known him forever ... from the first kiss,
now almost half a year ago.  Yea, that first surprise kiss in the locker
room ... that kiss had given me hope that my dreams could come true.  How
right and also wrong I'd been, as life had been incredibly complicated
since then ...  complicated but, at the same time, very reassuring, as I
knew that he'd always be there for me.  When I realized that the first
time, I'd been in pain, and the knowledge of his constant support had
soothed my pain ... and now ... now, I'd just driven him away from me
because I was afraid I would hurt him.  But I knew what I'd done.  I needed
to remember that there was love between us ... a love that would overcome
anything if we'd both just believe in it and acted on it.

I saw his cheekbone start to move slowly ... he was waking up.  I could see
more signs of consciousness ... his heart had started to beat a little
faster and his toes had started to wiggle.  Oh, yea, he was waking up for
sure.  I looked at his eyes, hoping to see that first glimpse of them when
his lids fluttered open ... the moment when his eyes saw the world around
him but his brain hadn't quite registered his surroundings.  It seemed that
his eyes never glowed shinier than at that moment.

I knew I had a smile on my face, but I couldn't help it.  He opened his
eyes slowly and a big smile appeared on his face from the moment he
realized where he was.

"You've been awake a long time, Nick?"

"No, a few minutes."

"Oh!  How long until we have to get ready?"

"Maybe 45 minutes or so."

"Hmmm ... time to get up, then ... or not?"

"Yea, I guess so ... but maybe there's enough time to wash our sweat off of
us together."

"Sounds good!"

He got up and, after picking up a towel, he walked towards the bathroom.

"Come on, then," he said.

I followed him quickly, closing the door behind me.

He'd put his towel on the chair.  I walked towards him to do the same.  As
I dropped it, I felt him tug on my shirt.  I lifted my hands up and my
shirt was pulled over my head.

He let the shirt drop and his hands wandered slowly over my chest, back,
shoulders and tummy.  It felt good to feel his ever so warm hands touching
me, caressing my body, making slow circles around my nipples, teasing them
while they rose up into the cool air, eager to be touched.  He took my
hands now and led them over to his shirt.  I slowly started to pull it up.
Electricity seemed to jump when I touched his skin.  Slowly I brought his
shirt upwards until it was over his head.  I looked at him.  Oh, my god!
What had I done to deserve him?  Look at that ... a perfect body with soft,
warm, almost silky, skin to touch, to feel, to enjoy.  Although I
remembered every square inch of it, it felt like I was discovering it all
over again.

We then hugged each other.  His heart was beating faster than before but,
again, it was in sync with my own.  I could feel his nipples pressing
against mine.

"We'd better hurry or we'll be late," he whispered in my ear.

"I'm not sure I want you to let go, Francis," I answered softly.

"Oh, so ... you don't want to dance with me tonight?  I thought you'd jump
at a chance to do that!"

I let him go now and looked at him.  "But not with the same ending as two
weeks ago, Francis!  I never want that to happen again."

"I know!  We can trust each other not to do that.  Remember?  We promised."

"Yea, I know.  Let's move on."

We both undid our pants and stepped out of them.  He took his green
underwear off and I could hardly take my eyes off his beautiful cock.  But
not now ... I knew this wasn't the right time for it ... definitely not.
Oh ...I saw him looking, too.  I was more at ease with it now ...  most of
the hurt parts were healed.

We stepped under the running water and let it warm us up.  I'd gotten the
soap in my hands and I started to soap Francis up with it.  Oh, yea!  I
touched every bit, little by little feeling every inch of his skin ... the
lines of his body that had such a nice curve to it.  I could feel him
squirm from time to time, depending on the places that I touched.  I tried
to remember all of them ... to make sure I could use them again in the
future: the middle of his lower back, the inside of his thigh, the top of
his right foot and a tiny spot just under his toes of his left foot.

I didn't forget to clean the hard throbbing part of his body that now had
started to pulse at the same speed as his heart was.  But I just washed it
and teased it a bit ...  then, standing up again, I looked at him and said,
"your turn."  I handed him the soap and turned around.  The next five
minutes were like a dream.  I knew he was close by ... I felt that that was
good ...  as, otherwise, I probably wouldn't have been able to let it all
happen.  But while he worked his way all over my body with the soap, I
could feel his breath just by my left ear.

It was like a dream.  In time, I became aware that his hands were not
longer lingering on my body.  Just a warm stream of water was hitting me.
I turned around.

"You liked that, Nick?"

"Shhhh," I said as I moved closer and kissed him, long, soft and deep.

We got rid of the soap and knew it was time to get dressed.  We arrived
downstairs just five minutes late and were welcomed by a number of
well-intended jokes.

We had a nice dinner on a terrace beside one of the canals.  Which one,
you'd better not ask me any more as there were just too many to choose
from.  It was around 9 p.m. by the time we left the place and wandered
towards what should be one of the main places for an evening out in
Amsterdam.  It was named after the famous painter Rembrandt.

It was a large square with quite a number of terraces and pubs, along with
open and treed areas around it.  From it led two streets that were occupied
by big street parties.  On one street we heard music.  It wasn't familiar
... it had a bit of an odd beat to it and it was definitely sung in Dutch.
On the other street, there was a party going on with an incredibly large,
younger crowd with techno and dance music.

We stayed there for several hours ... dancing, people-watching, talking and
just enjoying ourselves.  At one point, I saw that David was standing a bit
to the side.  I told Francis that I'd be right back and walked towards
David.

"You're bored, David?"

"No ... just ... well ..."

"Fed up with all the gay guys after three weeks?"  I knew him so well.
Although he said he didn't have a problem with us, he was getting a huge
dose of gayness on this holiday.  I thought it might begin to be a bit too
much.

"I guess, a bit, Nick."

"Well, we won't stay here all night, so just hang in there for a bit."

"Oh ... I'll get you back when we're home again!"

"Probably."

"So are you two back together again now, Nick?"

"Seems so."

"Oh, I think it takes more than what's been happening to drive Francis away
from you.  I'm so pleased, as he was incredibly miserable last week and I
don't think that you were doing very well, either."

"You talked to him about it, David?"

"Yea, but that is none of your business."

"Oh!  I didn't want to know anything that was discussed.  I just wanted to
thank you for being there for him when I wasn't."

"Ah, OK ... well, you're welcome.  Just makes sure it doesn't happen too
often."

"It won't.  I've learned my lesson, David."

"Good!  Now, go back to him and enjoy yourselves.  I'll be OK here for a
little while."

I smiled, gave him a hug, and walked back to the dancing queens.

"Another half hour ... then let's go back," I said to Alexei, James and
Francis.

We enjoyed more dancing and talked a bit as well ... although, with the
music, it was more shouting then dancing.  I hadn't drunk too much, making
sure that I'd be able to control myself.

It took us a while to get through the mass of people back towards the
hotel.
  We walked alongside one of the canals on the way back.  The houses were
beautifully lit.  As we walked into the hotel, someone at the bar shouted
Alexei's name.  He waved and walked towards him.

"See you tomorrow, Alexei."

"OK ... sounds like a plan.  You're joining me, James?" he asked.

The three of us walked back to our room while James and Alexei entered the
bar.

When we opened the door to our room, I went into the bathroom.  I wanted to
clean my teeth and needed to use the toilet.  I could hear Francis put on
some music.  More dancing, I thought, and I smiled.

For quite some time we danced to the music until the song that I'd heard
before came on.  I liked it a lot.  I'm not sure when I heard it, but the
sound was familiar.  It reminded me of all the things that had happened
during these last few months.

don't give up 'cos you have friends don't give up you're not beaten yet
don't give up I know you can make it good

though I saw it all around never thought I could be affected thought that
we'd be the last to go it is so strange the way things turn

drove the night toward my home the place that I was born, on the lakeside
as daylight broke, I saw the earth the trees had burned down to the ground

don't give up you still have us don't give up we don't need much of
anything don't give up 'cause somewhere there's a place where we belong

rest your head you worry too much it's going to be alright when times get
rough you can fall back on us don't give up please don't give up

(As we listened, I'd rested my head on his left shoulder and he had his on
my right.  Our cheeks were touching, sometimes rubbing as we slowly moved
around.  I heard the lyrics continue:)

'got to walk out of here I can't take anymore going to stand on that bridge
keep my eyes down below whatever may come and whatever may go that river's
flowing that river's flowing

(Oh, yea!  Tears of joy streamed from my eyes, running down my cheeks,
meeting up with those that had sprung from Francis's eyes ... flowing down
and slowly starting to drip from our chins.)

moved on to another town tried hard to settle down for every job, so many
men so many men no-one needs

(Many men ... but just one for me ... the one I was holding ... the one
whose scent I could smell ... the one whose warm hard cock I could feel
pressed against my thigh.)

don't give up 'cause you have friends don't give up you're not the only one
don't give up no reason to be ashamed don't give up you still have us don't
give up now we're proud of who you are

(Definitely!  With everything that had happened, where would we be without
friends?  Without Brian, Andy, Randy ... and, of course, Alexei.  What
would we have done without him?)

don't give up you know it's never been easy don't give up 'cause I believe
there's the a place there's a place where we belong

(Yea!  This is the place where I belong, in his arms, feeling the warmth of
his body against mine.)

We danced to several more songs but that one became our song forever.  I
felt that the emotions had gotten to us, big time.  I'm not sure when we
stopped dancing and just stood, hugging each other hard ... afraid that one
of us would let go.

In a kind of a daze, we managed to move to the bed and, in the end, we fell
asleep.

I woke up feeling a tongue caressing my nipple.  I managed to put a smile
on my face when I realized who it was.  I didn't move.  I wanted to enjoy
this for a bit longer.  Francis continued slowly making little wet circles
around my nipple, then going over it again, keeping it in his mouth for a
moment before going on with his circles.

It was hard not to moan or to touch my dick, which had become very hard.
He continued until I felt some cold air rush over my body as he pushed the
sheet away.  His head went lower and his tongue continued to track a wet
line from my nipple towards my belly button.  I knew that he must have seen
my hard dick pressing against the cotton of my white briefs.

I tried to keep as still as possible but, with his head now resting just
below my chest and his tongue making circles on my tummy, I was sure he
must have felt my quickened breathing.  I slid down further ... I could
feel his head go down slowly.  I couldn't resist his advances ...  the idea
of what was going to happen in a moment made my dick jump in my briefs.
Slowly, I'd moved my hands towards his head and, at the same time that I
put my hands on his head to push him lower, I moved my hips upward so that
he'd touch it as soon as possible.

I felt him continue to lick ... now moving all along the shaft of my dick,
down towards my balls.  The cotton was wet and got a bit stuck on my dick.
I couldn't feel his tongue any more when he said, "You're enjoying this,
aren't you, Nick?"

I smiled and answered, "I've had worst times waking up."

"Yea, I thought you'd love to be wakened like this."

He moved back up now until he could look into my eyes.

"Good morning, Nicky," he said, then he gave me a kiss on my cheek.

"Morning, Francis."

"I see you're a bit excited this morning ... any nice, hot dreams?"

Yea, he was right!  I hadn't had any bad dreams that night, only nice ones
...  or so I thought.

"Oh, yea!  The guys in it were incredible, you know."

I saw his face darken a bit when I said that.  Oh, he didn't get the joke,
I thought.  How strange!  He knew I liked to tease him like that.

"Oh, come on!  You know you're the only one I want."

"Hmmm ...  yea ... I guess so."

"Come here," and I kissed him, but this time on his mouth, our lips
touching each other.  Then, slowly, I felt his tongue on my lips and I
opened my mouth as our tongues started a passionate dance of their own.  My
hand had moved down over his body until it had reached his boxer briefs.  I
felt his equally hard dick pressing hard to get out.  I started slowly to
take it in my hand.  Through the cotton, I could feel the warm of his
pulsing dick.  He did reciprocate my movements, reaching for my dick.  Now
we were both rubbing each other hard through our underwear.  Still kissing,
I could feel his breathing starting to pick up pace.  I couldn't resist any
more and I moaned into the silence.  I knew he didn't hear it ...  but I'm
sure he felt the outflow of my warm breath filling the inside of his mouth.

I wasn't sure if I'd enjoy it if I came ... but, on the other hand, there
was no way to stop it.  Our rubbing had gotten more and more intense.  I
felt his dick start to pulse and then ... yes!  I could feel spurts of his
cum, making his cotton briefs quite wet.  The area around us now filled
with the smell of his cum.  That was enough to push me over the edge as
well.

The moment I came hit me hard.  I went completely rigid.  I knew Francis
felt it as our kiss ended.  Oh, no!  My mind went back ... the excitement
of cumming ... the feelings that had gone with it those weeks ago ... all
these memories came flashing back to me.  Not just the joy of shooting
... but also the pain of my empty balls ... the emotions of being used.
Francis had let go of my dick now, and I felt his eyes now focus on me.

"Nick, are you OK?  You've gone quite pale."

Oh, if that could be the only thing!  I slowly started to feel emotionally
drained.  I let go of him and collapsed on the bed.

"Nick!  Nick!" Francis continued to say.  I could hear the worry in his
voice.  I took a deep breath and opened my eyes.

"Nick, are you OK?  What happened?"

"Fine ... give me some time, OK?" I said and I closed my eyes again.  The
afterglow of the orgasm started to go away.  Wow!  I knew this was a risk
... but I'd hoped that, with Francis, I wouldn't have them.  Those horrible
flashbacks of me bound to the bed in the hotel ... of me in the basement of
Mike's place.

"I'll get you something to drink ... I'll be right back," Francis said.

My god! What now?  Would they ever go away?  It had been so incredibly nice
with him, so touching ... almost like the old days again.  And now?  Now
what, I wondered.  Would this be the end of what we'd started to build up
again during these past two days?  Would I be strong enough?  No, I thought
... this isn't going to control my life ever again.  It'll always be there,
but I'm stronger than that.  I slowly opened my eyes.  Lots of emotions
were going through my head now as I looked up and saw Francis, still
walking around in his now wet boxer briefs, coming back with some water.

"Are you OK, Nick?" he asked again as he handed me the water.  I lifted
myself up a bit and took the glass.  I sipped a bit of water and put the
glass on the nightstand.  His question was hanging in the air.  We'd
promised to be honest with each other ... I knew that ... but still.  Was
this the first real test of that pact?

I looked at him, his eyes full of love and concern.  Yea ... he was worried
...  I could see that.  I moved a bit closer to him and gave him a peck on
his cheek.  When I backed off, his smile had disappeared.

"What happened, Nick?"

Oh, yea.  You couldn't know, Francis.  I came and I felt such a mix of
emotions ... pleasure like always, mixed with some dirty flashbacks and
feelings about all the things that had happened.

"I'm OK again, Francis.  Just give me some time," I said.

"OK ... you wanna be alone?"

"Yea, if that's OK with you."  I saw some disappointment on his face as I
said that.

"I need to shower anyway," he said, pointing at his boxer briefs.

I smiled a bit and said, "I need some time, Francis ... but that doesn't
mean I'm not willing to talk.  We will, after your shower ... OK?"

His smile now reappeared on his face.  "Oh, Nick.  I love you so much,
Nicky," he said and turned around and walked into the bathroom.

After he'd left, I slowly got out of bed to get my towel.  I got rid of my
briefs and cleaned myself up a bit.  The rest would have to wait until
after our talk.  I got a new pair of red briefs out of my bag and put them
on.  I puffed up the cushions and positioned myself on the bed, pulling the
sheets back up to my chest.

There I waited for Francis to return ... waited to give the answers on the
unsaid questions he would have ... waited, keeping my fingers crossed that
he'd understand.

As I expected, it didn't take him that long.  That was good, as I was
starting to get more and more nervous waiting for him.

"Can I join you?" he asked.  He'd put on some clean underwear and crawled
in bed with me.

We were both now lying on our sides, looking at each other.

"I'm not sure where to start, Francis," I said.  "I know you have questions
and I want to answer them.  I'm just not sure I'm strong enough for them."

"You are, Nick.  You can do it.  Although I may have questions, you only
need to tell me what you want.  That's all I expect ... nothing more.  Oh,
and remember.  I love you ... that is something that will never change."

Oh!  I hope so!  I was so afraid that he'd never want me again after I told
him how I felt.

"What happened, Nick?  I know we were having a good time ... and then you
froze."

"I was having flashbacks, Francis ... and not nice flashbacks."

His face indicated that he expected that answer.

"They scared me ... no ... 'scare' isn't the right word.  They went by so
fast!  You know ...  emotions of pleasure ... excitement ... our kissing
... and then ...."  Tears started to flow down my cheek as I reviewed what
had happened.  "Pain ...," I continued with a sigh.  "Pain and ... more
pain, I guess.  Incredible pain ... of being thrown from the heights of
having fun with you, Francis, to the depths of those ugly moments from my
past."

I saw his tears streaming down his face now, too.  His hand reached for my
face and brushed the tears from my face.  He waited for me to go on.

"You know ... I'd worried about it ... but, like the dreams, I expected the
flashbacks to disappear if I was with you."

"You've had them before?"

"Hmmmm ... yea," I confessed.  "You know, I'm a guy ... so you didn't
expect me to stay celibate for all those weeks, did you?  But I've learned
... oh, yea ... I've learned my lesson the hard way.  I was crushed the
first time it happened.  I'm so afraid, Francis ... so afraid they'll never
go away.  You know?"

"They will.  You know that it will take time ... but they will go away."

"I don't know!  They're so strong, so intense, so ..."  I wasn't sure if I
could go on or not.  I closed my eyes.

"Flashbacks of the last time, Nick?  You last time in the hotel?"

I opened my eyes and looked at his face.  "Yea," I said quietly.  "And from
the times before ... they all arrive together."

"Oh," he said.  "That's worse."

"Yea ... incredibly so, Francis."  I couldn't have dared to say that word
some minutes ago, but I knew that it was the truth.  "So humiliating," I
continued.  "You know ... they're so opposite to the feelings of love and
excitement that I felt when we were making out, Francis.  I think that the
deep divide between them shocked me the most."

"You want tell me about them, Nick?  About those flashbacks?"

Could I, I asked myself.  Should I?  Would it help?  I looked into his eyes
again ... those full of love eyes.  I knew I could trust him.

"Well, they go back to the times with Mike, as you might have guessed,
Francis.  Do you really want to know?"

"If it helps to share, yea ... if not, then don't, Nick."

"Oh, I want to you know everything, Francis!  There's nothing more than
that.  I'm just afraid of it all ... I don't want to relive that, you
know."

"You won't!  I'm here now, not Mike."

"Well, the flashbacks date back to the hotel.  The doctor warned me that it
might happen, you know.  He said that Mike had almost brainwashed me.  I
haven't told him yet ... he was right ... so I don't know if he has a
treatment to end them."

I waited for a moment to see where my mind was heading.  I felt this was
right: the doctor had been right ... it had been conditioning.

"You know what?  I'd never have expected he could be right ... but he was.
I guess that's what is making me so afraid, Francis.  What if he's right?
Then I'll never, never be able to enjoy sex any more ... you know ... never
... never."  Panic now entered my voice.
  I could feel myself start to tremble.

Francis took me in his arms, my head resting on his shoulder.  I continued.
"You probably won't understand this ... but you will when you know what
happened, Francis.  It'll hurt you as I know that you get hurt when I get
hurt ... but I know you can handle it.  You're strong ...  you have to be,
for me," I whispered in his ear ... afraid that someone would hear me.

"I can't think of the future if this is going to continue.  I know you love
me ... and I know I love you ... but if we have to go on without sex?  I
just don't know, Francis.
  I guess that's the other fear that I have.  I'm so afraid that some day,
those flashbacks are going to break me mentally.  I want so much to feel
you ... to touch you ... to cuddle with you ...  but also to give joy
... and receive joy from you ... but not if I continue to have the
flashbacks.  If it's a form of conditioning, then I don't know what will
break it."

Francis whispered back, "We'll do that together, my love, for you and your
love for me.  With those feelings, we can overcome anything we want."

"Maybe ... but you should know what happened to fully understand, Francis.
Are you ready for that?"

"You know I am, Nick.  I can be strong for you.  I've been that in the
past."

"You promise you won't want to run away from me?"

He pushed me back now and, while looking into my eyes, said, "Never, Nick,
never again.  We promised that two days ago and I'm not about to give that
up."

I saw love in his eyes ... I knew he meant it.  His eyes could never lie to
me ... that was impossible.

"I know ... I trust you, Francis."  I took a deep breath, looked away from
him, and quietly starting to tell my tale.

"It wasn't a problem in the beginning, you know ... as it was just lust
... I was full of lust the first few times that I came ... but then, after
he went to bed and he started to use me in ways I never knew someone could
... then, it must have happened.  He broke me.  It became a kind of
routine, and I couldn't stop.  I was totally in the control of the devices
he used on me ...  and they kept doing it to me, time after time.  I got
some rest in between sessions ... but he brought them back, time after
time.  At some point I think I was so tired, the only thing that was moving
was my dick and balls, time after time.  I have no idea how long it went on
...  long after the point that I had any bodily fluids to give any more.
Slowly the process started to drain me ... drain my energy ... drain my
thought process ... drain my feelings of joy that normally go with sex
... ending up in a total drainage of my balls."

I'm not sure how long I kept talking, but I went on speaking quietly for
quite a long time, one sentence after another.  I'm not sure if he found it
hard to hear or not.

"I couldn't stop it ... I didn't pass out ... no, I relived those feelings,
time after time ... until it all started to run together ... getting hard,
getting ready to shoot, the pain of nothing there, the pain of being
drained ... then, when it stopped, the pain of having been used,
humiliated."

Yea ... it was the pain of the humiliation ... and me wallowing in it until
the next wave of humiliation came again.  I wasn't sure if I could explain
that bit to him.  Could I?  Would I, I wondered?  This is what the doc had
wanted me to talk to Francis about.  He'd said that it would take the wall
away that I'd built between us from the moment Francis had heard that Mike
had been using me.  I hadn't been able to tell Francis the way that I'd let
Mike do that to me.  But could I?  Could I do it now?  Was this the time to
continue and break down the wall, layer by layer, stone by stone?

I looked at him again.  His understanding of my pain was apparent in his
eyes.  I must admit, it felt good that I'd told him this.

"He used you like that?  He's ... he's ... unspeakable!  My god, no, Nick
... tell me it's not true!"  He started to cry now ... big, wet tears were
running down his cheeks.

"Yea, but he can't hurt me now... not any more, Francis."

"Oh, but Nick ..."  I saw his eyes move towards my dick and balls now.
With that look, he brought the pain right back to them ... the feeling I'd
had after it had happened ... the feeling that I'd had the morning after,
of being totally broken.

"My god!  If I'd have known, I'd have never gotten you off, Nick!  Never!
You have to know that!  I love you.  I don't want you to relive that
... not ever again."

"Shush ... I know, Francis.  It's not your fault.  It's not my fault.  It's
Mike's fault ... and we have to keep that in mind every time we talk about
it or do something about it ... OK?"

He nodded.

"I need you, Francis.  I need your support, so we can be strong together."

He smiled now.  "Oh, Nick!  You know I love you and I would never ...not
even for this reason ... abandon you."

"You must have questions, Francis?" I asked him after we'd been quiet for
some time, each of us lost in our own thoughts.

"You're sure you'll be able to answer them?"

"Come on!  We're getting somewhere now."

For the next 20 minutes, we talked ... well, he asked questions and I
answered them.  I told him in more detail what had happened in the hotel
room.

Sometimes my voice was strong ... sometimes it was shaking and I wondered
whether I'd be able to go on.

"Incredible!  I never thought that such a device would exist, Nick."

"Me, neither, Francis ... but now, I'm afraid I'll never be able to forget
it."

"Yea, I can see that ... but we'll get past it, I know we will."

"I don't know, Francis.  Those flashbacks are intense ... not only
visually, but even more in feelings that race through my body the moment I
... well, you know ... come."

"We can't change that now.  We'll have to wait till you are back in the USA
so we can talk with the shrink, right?"

"I guess so."

"Come here."  He took me again in his arms and we hugged.

When he finally let go, I looked at him and gave him a gentle kiss on his
cheek.  He responded with a longer one on my mouth.

"Hmmm, you smell nice from the bath soap, Francis."

"Yea, you'd better get into the shower too, Nick."

But I wanted to tell him more.  He deserved that and now that I'd started,
I'd better finish.

"How late is it?" I asked him.

"Just after 11 ... we have another 30 minutes or so before we have to meet
the others."

"Well, we'd better hurry up, then we can chat later again when we get back
...  or tomorrow, if you prefer."

"OK ... so, are you ready to have some fun today, Nick?"

"I will be, as long as you're there with me, Francis."

"I will be, don't worry, Nick.  I'll be at your side forever."

We kissed and I knew I had to tell him more ... but I was happy, on the
other hand, that I didn't have to do it now.  I needed time ... time to
distance myself from reliving all the horror of the hotel that morning
... first in the flashbacks ... then in repeating it to Francis.

I got into the shower and we made back downstairs just in time to meet the
others for breakfast.

"Hey, you two!  Did you have a good night's rest, guys?" James asked.

"Yea, thanks!  You, too?" I asked with a wink in my eyes.

"Oh, yea.  We chatted a long time with that guy at the bar.  Alexei and he
have been friends for a long time, so it was nice to hear all the gossip
about Alexei."

"Hey!  You stop that!  I was embarrassed enough last night!" Alexei
interrupted ... and, just to make sure that James would stop saying
anything, he kissed him on the lips.

"Come on, guys!  You should have gone to bed early ... then you wouldn't be
so gossipy this morning," David said.

"Oh, we definitely need to find you some girl today, David," I said.

"No, I'm committed to only one, as you know."

"We'll see."

David started to blush now.

When Alexei and James had come back up for some air, Alexei said, "Well,
we'll be seeing a lot of people today ... so, who knows?  You might even
find someone nice, David."

"Oh, stop that!  I'm not looking, as you all know."

"So ... I hope you slept OK ... as we have a nice, long day ahead of us
... with lots of dancing."

"Good!  Sounds like a plan to me," I said.

"Yea ... we know you love to dance, Nick," James said.

"We all can have some fun this afternoon.  The guy we talked to last night
is a member of a gay gymnastic organization here, and they're taking part
in today's parade.  Last night, he invited us to join them today in the
parade.  We'd be able to dance on the boat and go through the canals,
instead of standing on a corner watching it at all.  How does that sound?"

"Yeaaa!!!" we all shouted.

"So we need to be there in 45 minutes to get ready.  We'll have something
to eat ... the boat is one of the last ones in the parade, so we probably
won't start until 3 p.m. or so.  He wasn't sure how long it'd take us to
complete it all, but it could take us two hours or more."

"Good!  This should be fun!" Francis said.

"Oh, you'll like the guy ... he was really nice to talk with last night,"
James said.

We chatted a bit more.  It seems that the guy had been a former coach of
Alexei's and had been living and training youngsters in the Netherlands for
quite some time.  They'd met several times during the last few years.  We
walked for about 45 minutes until we came to the starting point of the
parade, on the harbor at the entrance to one of city's many canals.  It was
a chaotic picture of people, all preparing for the parade.  There were an
incredible number of boats on the water.  Music came towards us from every
side.  The whole production seemed massive to us.  The last part of our
walk to the starting point had been along the canal route, and it was
crowded with people on both sides and on the bridge that we had crossed.

We were welcomed aboard the boat by Alexei's friend.  Several guys were
already there and we were hugged and kissed.  It was what you'd call a very
warm welcome.  Language was not a problem as they spoke pretty good English
... something I'd already noticed most Dutch people could do.

"OK, Alexei.  I managed to get a pommel horse to put on board; it'll be
brought aboard in a few minutes.  We're going to put that on the middle of
the podium so we can demonstrate what we do for sports.  Others will
perform other sports around the sides of the boats, and we'll have people
dancing on either side of the pommel horse.  We've created some dance steps
to do to each piece of music that we'll dance during the demonstrations."

"Good!  Sounds like a plan to me," Alexei said.

"Can we learn that dance?" I asked.

"Do any of you want to join in on the pommel horse and the dancing?" he
asked us.

"Yea, we'd love to," Francis and I said.

"Ahhh!  You must be the two naturally gifted love birds!" he said.

We blushed.  "Sorry, guys," James said.  "Alexei mentioned you several
times last night, so shoot him if you want."

"There's no need to do that but that's what Alexei said.  Anyone he says
shows promise for the future must be good, as I know he's not one to give
out compliments."

Now we really started to blush.

"Can anyone show us the dance?" I asked, trying to get away from this
embarrassing subject.

"Sure.  Go over to the other side of the boat ... the guys there should be
able to help you."

Francis, James and I walked toward the other end.  A few of the guys were
practising some steps and we were invited to join in.  For the next 15
minutes, they taught us the steps ... steps that required us to have a ball
in our hands most of the times.  Some of the guys really looked gay; others
I wouldn't have been able to tell their orientation if I'd bumped into them
on the street.

They had a program of about 15 minutes that would be repeated several
times.
  It involved the exercise on the pommel horse, the dancing we did, and
some impromptu dancing as well.

We were brought together at the bow of the boat.  Beside the podiums there
were lots of balloons in the rainbow colors and a big sign with the name of
the club on it.  Some loud music broadcast from the back and some tables
were placed up front.

The guy who seemed to be the president of the club started off with a small
speech, telling us that we'd all eat first before we started off.  He
outlined the safety rules and told us to have a good time.  He gave us
visitors a special welcome and told us to do whatever we wanted and to have
fun.

While we were eating, the first boats started off into the canal.  We were
well placed to see each float leave before we had to set off.  I heard some
yelling coming from one of them and all of us looked in that direction.
There was a boat that was painted all in black and some cages had been
erected on it.  In the cages were several naked guys.  More guys, dressed
in their underwear, were chained at several locales on the boat.  I felt
myself start to shiver.  I felt an arm around me and I could smell Francis.
He was there right for me, just as he'd promised.  I looked at him and gave
him a smile.

"You OK?" he whispered softly.

"Yea," and I looked away from it all.  It had gotten me confused again ...
confused about the feelings I had, seeing those guys.

"Oh, my god, no!" David yelled as Francis led me to the other side of the
boat so I wouldn't see any more.  I didn't know why he screamed that.  We
started to talk to some of the Dutch guys on the boat.  The pommel horse
was brought on board and safely installed so it couldn't move around.  We
all got around on it and I could see that we were the best float by far.

Then the boat slowly started to move towards the first bridge, entering the
Prinsengracht as the canal was named.  It was the third ring of canals
which circled the center of Amsterdam.  It finished on the other side in
the river Amstel where the parade route ended.

We were standing on the rear of the boat and I saw that, when the bow
approached a bridge, the guys would lie down.  Of course!  That was the
only way to pass under it!  We dropped down going underneath the first of
many bridges to follow.

The guy in control of the music must have done this before and knew what to
expect, as he pumped up the volume the moment the front of the boat passed
the bridge.  Lying on my stomach, I saw the guys start to dance as soon as
they got up.  When we rose, we could hear the roars that had started from
the crowds on either side.  Although I had no idea what kind of song it
was, the crowd joined in.  Incredible, I thought and started to dance
along.  When the song was finished, the DJ announced the name of Alexei
Nemov, which must have been well known as people began to applaud as soon
as he started to do his routine on the pommel horse.  He was followed this
time by David and one of the Dutch guys.  Everyone on the boat kept
dancing.  When they finished their routines, I was pulled up to one of the
platforms by a guy our age and we started dancing.  I'm not sure if he knew
I could dance but he was good and, together, we gave quite a hot
demonstration.  I was afraid that Francis wouldn't like it but, when I saw
him smiling, I knew it was OK and let myself get into the music.  The
others were still dancing along as well.  Then the music quieted, we got a
big round of applause and, when I looked up, I saw that the next bridge was
already upon us.  People on the bridge threw stuff down ... flowers, money,
candies ... on us while we were lying there.

This went on for quite some time as we sailed down the canal, under one
bridge after another.  Tens of thousands of people were standing along both
banks of the canal while some hung out of windows or sat on balconies.
This was fun, moving down the channel, passing one bridge after another.
We all did some routines on the pommel horse and we danced.  As we
approached the river Amstel, the boats stayed close to the side, for it
looked like even more people were crowded along the banks.

Just before we entered the river, we stopped and a police officer stepped
onto the boat.  He talked with Alexei and David for some time.  I saw them
pointing at me, but I was kept busy as now I was dancing with Francis.  He
kept my attention as again we danced like we'd never danced before.  I'd
gotten his t-shirt off and on the podium I slowly started to rub sun lotion
all over him, making his body nice and shiny.  He followed by doing the
same to me, our hands still moving over our muscles, chest, and nipples.
Oh!  It was hot, I can tell you, as I was aroused, my dick pressing against
my shorts.  As we found out later, the crowd went wild at seeing us but, at
that point, we only had eyes for each other.  The world had stopped to
exist for us.

There was only Francis for me ... his beautiful body, his soft voice that
kept singing along with the music.  I'd recognized the song, as it had been
played before.  It was a song from the group U2.

I'm not afraid of anything in this world There's nothing you can throw at
me that I haven't already heard I'm just trying to find a decent melody A
song that I can sing in my own company

I never thought you were a fool But darling look at you You gotta stand up
straight, carry your own weight These tears are going nowhere, baby

You've got to get yourself together You've got stuck in a moment and now
you can't get out of it Don't say that later will be better now you're
stuck in a moment And you can't get out of it

I will not forsake, the colors that you bring The nights you filled with
fireworks They left you with nothing I am still enchanted by the light you
brought to me I listen through your ears, and through your eyes I can see

[Oh, yea, I thought.  He was right about that, as I felt energized by the
emotions of Francis singing.  I felt my eyes start to tear up.]

And you are such a fool To worry like you do I know it's tough, and you can
never get enough Of what you don't really need now...my oh my

You've got to get yourself together You've got stuck in a moment and you
can't get out of it Oh love, look at you now You've got yourself stuck in a
moment and you can't get out of it

[Yea, stuck in a moment that I would relive for all my life!  It felt like
that ... a moment that, if it had never happened, I'd never be forced to
deal with it all ... but maybe ... maybe it had actually made our bond
tighter.  I wondered.]

I was unconscious, half asleep The water is warm 'til you discover how
deep...  I wasn't jumping ... for me it was a fall It's a long way down to
nothing at all

You've got to get yourself together You've got stuck in a moment and you
can't get out of it Don't say that later will be better Now you're stuck in
a moment and you can't get out of it

[These last few weeks had gone past, me seemingly in a daze, walking
around, not wanting to deal with it, unable to think about it ... but
reality had gotten me now, there was no running away from it, no ignoring
it any more.]

And if the night runs over And if the day won't last And if our way should
falter Along the stony pass

And if the night runs over And if the day won't last And if your way should
falter Along this stony pass It's just a moment This time will pass

[Yes, Francis was right ... it will pass.  It has to ... otherwise, how can
I continue to live?  I needed him ... I needed him to be strong for me.]

In my mind the song kept on going and Francis kept singing it for a long
time.  Then I realized ... I was crying, not gently but in deep sobs.  I
opened my eyes and saw other people looking at us from time to time
... some with concern on their faces, but not all.

I was still holding Francis.  I could still hear him whisper, but now his
words didn't reach my mind any more.

It was James who got us out of our trance.

"Come on, guys!  It's time to thank them and leave ... the parade is over
and we're at the end."

I let go of Francis and looked him in his eyes.  "I'll never forget this,
Francis."

"Me neither, Nick ... never."

"Come on, you two lovebirds ... the others are waiting."

I became more aware of my surroundings and saw that the boat had docked and
the first people were already leaving.  Alexei and David were standing with
the guy who arranged it all.  There was someone else with them and they
seemed to be talking quite animatedly.

"OK ... let's go out of here.  I'm tired and ready for some food.  All that
dancing made me hungry."

We walked past Alexei and David and shouted, "Come on, guys ... food time!"
I was ready to go but they looked a bit concerned ... but they joined us in
the end.

"Where to now?" I asked.

"Well, you said you were hungry.  Why don't we sit down somewhere?  We can
have a rest, sit, drink and have some food if you want."

"Sounds like a plan."

We walked towards Rembrandt Square, where we sat down on the terrace and
had something to drink and eat.  It had been quite warm and it was good to
sit down for a bit.  We could see that, in both streets, the parties were
starting to get lively again, but we needed to rest and eat first before
dancing again.

At one point Alexei's phone rang.  He answered it and talked for about ten
minutes.  I kept talking with Francis and James.  It seemed that my brother
was distracted, more interested in the phone call Alexei was having.

When Alexei hung up, David asked straight off, "And?  What did they say?"

"Later, David ... OK?  I don't think this is a good time to talk about it."

David looked around and realized that we were listening to their
conversation.

"Yea, I guess you're right."

"What's going on, guys?  It didn't look as if you were having a good time
when we left the boat and now this again," Francis noted.

"Leave it for now, Francis.  We'll explain tomorrow."

"No, I think I want to hear more.  It's not like you to be secretive," I
added.

"Well, I need to be tonight ... so, you won't get it out of me.  Stop
asking and let's get some food."

I found it very strange that he totally refused to talk.  I'd never seen
him so decisive before.  We kept on talking, but I saw some non-vocal
communication going on between Alexei and David and, whatever was
happening, David seemed pleased by it all.

For the next few hours, I forgot about everything else as we danced, talked
and enjoyed ourselves for quite some time.  We danced together, Francis and
me, just like we had that afternoon, together on the boat.  He was right:
this was a day we'd never forget.  We went into the clubs when the street
parties ended and met a number of people, all enjoying the evening.

Around 4 or so, I thought it was time to head back as I was starting to
feel tired.  I was quite drained by all that had happened that day.  In our
room, I saw that Francis was tired, too.

"You enjoyed that, Nick?" he asked.

"Yea, I did, Francis," I whispered softly.

"You know, Nick ... after last week, this all looks too good to be true.
It was something I didn't expect to happen ... but I'm glad we made up.  We
belong together ...  that's something I know."

"Yea ... me, too.  Let's get to sleep."

We got undressed and I saw that he was putting on a show with his nice,
hard dick outlined in his boxers and I knew that mine was just happy to say
"hi" back.  But we just slid into bed and cuddled.  We fell asleep with my
hand on his chest.

When I woke up, the sun was shining through the curtains.  My hands were
still resting on his chest.  I moved a bit so I could stroke his nipples,
which were hard.  I opened my eyes and saw that he was asleep but he moved
a bit from time to time.  I loved him ...  oh, yes ... I loved him so much.

My mind went back to the day before.  It had been an incredible day
... just an interminable day of celebrations.  It was good that we'd had
that talk in the morning.  I knew he had the right to know more ... and
there was more.  I wanted no secrets any more between us.  I didn't want to
doubt him any more.  We'd promised to be open and I knew now how important
that was.  I needed to tell him the last bit ... the bit about why I felt
like I felt ... but that wouldn't be easy.  But after yesterday, I knew
he'd understand ... or, at least, I hoped he would.

I moved a bit closer and kissed his chest.

"Yea, go on," he whispered softly.

"Oh, no!  You're just bugging me ... I knew you were awake already," I
said.

He opened his eyes.  "So you don't want to go on, then?" he said with a
smile.

"Always," I said, smiling.  "But not now."

"Oh!"  He gave me a kiss after saying that.  "Hmmmm ... you look a bit
preoccupied.  What's going on in that conniving mind of yours, Nick?"

"Nothing," I said ... but I knew it didn't sound convincing.

"Oh, if that's nothing, then I'm not sure I can trust you when you said
that you enjoyed yesterday."

"Yea, I did, tremendously, Francis.  I'll never forget that day."

"Good."

"But we didn't completely finish our chat yesterday, Francis, and I feel
that we need to do some more talking."

"Hmmm ... what about, Nick?"

"Well ... it's about me and ... well ... you know ... why ... and stuff."

"OK ... if you're up for that, I'm ready ... but I didn't expect you to
tell me that quite yet."

"I need to, Francis.  I can't live with the idea that it stands between
us."

"OK ... if you think so ... but we can wait if you wish."

"No ... I think it's time."

"Oh," was his only response.

"Yes.  You know why I tried to distance myself from you ... why I've been
so cold to you most of the time in the last month or so ... why I flirted
with everyone I could since that weekend in Cologne."

He just nodded.

I took his hands in mine.  I wanted to feel a connection.

"You asked me some time ago, I think, why I started it with Mike ... what
had happened ...  how I could let him?  I've talked with the shrink about
that a lot, Francis ... and he's helped me to come to a conclusion.  I have
no idea if you'll like it or not ... but it's a part of me ... a part of
who I am."

I saw looking at me intensely.  He'd strengthened his grip on my hands.  I
think we were both afraid that one of us would let go.

"It was a real shock to understand that about myself, Francis.  It was
something I didn't think was true ... but it seems it is.  I thought that
I'd been pressured to do all those things with Mike ... that the doctors
had manipulated me into it all as a test.  Do you remember that evening?"

"Yes.  Is that when it started?"

"Yea, they had those tests ... and they proved that I liked to play
... well, the sorts of games I did with Mike.  I'd be the one enduring it
all and ... well ... they used those feelings against me, Francis."

"So you were tricked into it?  But did you like it from the start, or did
you feel coerced?"

"Both, Francis.  At first, I thought it was pretty exciting ...the way you
feel the first time you discover wanking.  But later, when we moved on
... and definitely after what happened in the basement ... I felt more and
more coerced."

"That's no surprise, Nick.  We've all felt like that."

"Maybe ... but all along, even though I felt pressured ... I still got very
excited by the idea ...  and especially when we played ... for example, the
stuff we did in the locker room.  To be exposed in front of others was
something both nice and ugly.  I knew we had to do it ... but, at the same
time, the pressure to do it didn't prevent me from getting hard.
  Even when I started to understand it all a little, I couldn't prevent it
from happening.
  That day in the hotel, I got excited at first.  I couldn't control it.  I
felt ashamed, too, to be honest.  But it seems that's a part of me.  The
doctor said I was aroused ... excited ... from being humiliated."

"But there's nothing wrong with that, is there, Nick?  It's not a mental
illness or something?"

Oh, he's not getting this, I thought.  Now what?

"No, it's not a disease, Francis ... but this goes a bit deeper.  Remember
the last time we were together?  I was so incredibly horny, I'd have
allowed you to do anything.  I wanted to be used.  I was scared when that
happened ... my passions had completely taken over that evening.  I know I
was willing to submit to you that evening ... more than I ever had before
with Mike or anyone else."

"Oh, but we talked about that on Friday.  I topped you and you topped me."

"Maybe ... but still, I just get incredibly turned on by submission ... if
I'm humiliated ...  sometimes even in front of others.  You remember the
day you took me to get all those gymnastic outfits?"

I continued to tell him a few more things that I did with Mike, hoping that
he would understand how I felt.  Gradually his face started to show that he
was beginning to understand.

"You mean that you wanted me to use you like that, Nick?"

Oh, he's getting it now, I thought.  That was the question that I knew
would come eventually ... but I was definitely not ready for it at that
point.

"I don't know, Francis.  I don't think so.  I feel love for you, nothing
else.  But I definitely still have those feelings from time to time.  I had
them before the hotel incident and, after that?  Well, I'm not sure ... but
I probably will.  I don't have the urge to follow up on them, though ... I
just get excited when, for example, I have to display myself somewhere in
my underwear ... or pee in my pants ... or you dominating me, ordering me
to suck you long and hard."

"So ... you want me to use you then?"

"No, not like that, Francis.  Not at all ... but if it comes up in our
sexplay, then I might react positively ... or I might also be out of
control, you know?  It's difficult to stop then as my feelings urge me on."

"Hmmm, I think I understand ... it's almost like cumming ... being at a
point that, even if you stop playing with yourself, you'll still cum
because you're beyond the point of no return."

"Yea ... something like that, Francis.  I'm sure it's difficult to
understand ... but I can't help it.  It's just a part of who I am.  But
remember ... I love you and I never want to hurt you."

"Oh, I think I can understand a little of what you feel ... sometimes I
feel the same."

"You mean that?"

"Yes ... you've never seen my response when I eat strawberries."

"What have strawberries got to do with all this?"

"Well ... I get hard ... very hard ... when I eat them.  They are really a
turnon for me."

"Oh!  That's good to know," I said with a devilish smile on my face.

We looked at each other and then we kissed ... a long, wet, sloppy kiss.

We cuddled for some time and then there was a knock at the door.

"Come in!" I yelled.  The door opened.

"Breakfast in 30, if you're up for it," James said, sticking his head
around the door.

"Yep ... sounds like a plan to me," Francis said.

"OK.  See you then."

We showered together, enjoying each other's body again ... but we stopped
before we got too carried away.  We both knew that wasn't a good idea at
the moment.

We met the others in the restaurant where we had breakfast together.

Alexei got another call and he was now arguing quietly on the phone.  He
ended the call.  OK ... I guess I had to ask if I was going to find
anything out.

"Anything wrong?" David asked, before any of us could say anything.

" Maybe.  I guess we'd better go upstairs first."

"What's wrong?" Francis asked.

"Let's go upstairs and talk."

We followed Alexei to his room where we all set down.

"Sorry, guys, but I'd hoped you could be kept out of this until we got back
to the USA ... but it seems that that plan can't work ... so I guess I need
to do some explaining."

"Oh ... OK.  Has this got anything to do with yesterday's phone call?"
Francis asked.

"Yes, it has.  Why don't the two of you come and sit on the bed?" Alexei
said.

What is going on, I wondered.  Why did he want us together?  I looked at
him, worried.  He got closer to me and then he knelt down in front of us.

"I'm sorry, Nick ... Francis.  I never wanted this fabulous weekend to
end."

"What, Alexei?  What is going on?  Did someone die?" I said.

"No, Nick ... nothing like that ... but, still, something that will shock
you."

He waited again.  Looking at Francis and then at me, he continued, "You're
together again, aren't you?"

"Hmmm, yea," we both said at the same time, looking at each other and
smiling.

"OK, you might need each other.  I know we're all here for you, Nick."

I was started to get really worried now.

"Yesterday, do you remember that David screamed something?"

"Hmmm ... yea ... but I just thought he'd just seen a cute girl."

"No, he didn't, Nick, he saw something that I couldn't let pass
... something I needed to take action on.  That was why I was talking with
that policeman later on, before we got off the boat."

"Police?  Why?"

"Well, David and later I saw that some familiar people were on that boat
with the cages.  The doctors were on board that boat, Nick."

"Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo," I said with a scream.  I
started to shiver.

"They've been captured, Nick.  They can't hurt you any more."

I looked at Alexei.  Had I heard him correctly?  Did he say they'd been
caught?

"Good," Francis said.

"Yes, it's good news, isn't it, Nick?" Alexei said.

I didn't know what to say.  I was now safe from them ... safe from being
hurt somehow by them ... and they would pay for what they'd done, I knew
that."

"Yea, good," I said softly.

"But we have a problem.  They want you to identify them, Nick.  They said
they need that or else they can't extradite them to the USA."

"No!" Francis shouted.

I was about to yell, but he beat me and my scream was silenced.

"We'll be there with you, Nick.  You don't have to go alone."

"Are you sure there's no other way?" Francis asked.

"Not if we want to make sure they go on trial in the USA," Alexei said.

"Will he need to see them face to face ... or is it just like at home
... he can see them but they can't see him?"

"I haven't asked them that, but I suppose that that's the case," Alexei
said.

"When?" I said quietly.

"The sooner the better, I think.  They're going to pick us up in an hour if
that's OK with you."

"I guess," I said, without too much enthusiasm.

We had something to drink but we more or less kept quiet.  I could feel the
tension in the room.  I was torn from one emotion to another.  I got the
feeling that I was losing it.  I wouldn't ... I knew that ... but what if I
did?  There were so many new questions ... so much to think about ... but,
then again, I wanted them to be punished for what they'd done.  I wanted to
make sure that I could sleep safely and not need to be afraid any more of
either of them showing up.

"Let's go," I said after we'd been there for 45 minutes.  "I have to do
this, so we'd better do it now."

"Oh, OK," Alexei said.  They all started to stand up but I didn't want them
all to come along.

"Would you mind staying here, David and James?"

"You don't want me there, Nick?" David asked.

"No, sorry, David ... but I think that with Francis and Alexei there, that
will be enough."  He looked a bit disappointed, as I knew he wanted to be
there for me.

We got downstairs and the police were already waiting ... so we left with
them.  It was a bit strange to be picked up like that ... being taken to a
precinct, as if we were the criminals.

When we entered the building, we were taken to a separate room.  They
informed us what to expect.  I indeed needed to identify them and make a
short statement.  I wouldn't have to face them, so that was good.

The identification went quickly as there was no way that I wouldn't
recognize them.  It felt odd ... and a bit of a relief as well as I did
that.  We were then brought back to the office we'd first used and I had to
answer some questions.  They didn't go into events very deeply as they'd
already gotten the warrant information that the FBI had put out.

As we left the office, some guy walked past me and I felt something slipped
into my pocket.  I got it out and opened it.

It read: "We'll always be there.  You'll never forget us and, in the end,
you'll want us ... as that is what you need.

The world started to spin.  I could feel Francis take the note out of my
hand.  How could they?  How did they get a guy to do this?  How?  My god!
What if they were right?  I could hear them still ... everything that had
been said when he got caught last time, visiting our place.

Francis caught me just in time.  I think I lost consciousness.  The next
thing I remembered, I was lying on the bed in our room.  I opened my eyes
slowly and looked into his face.

"Hi!" he said.

"Hi, Francis.  Where are we?"

"Back in our hotel room."

"I guess it got a bit too much for me."

"Yea ... well ... who could have known that they'd do something like that?"

"I ... I should have known ... and I should have been prepared, Francis.  I
knew they were in Europe.  I ... well ... I think they were in Cologne, too
... and they ... well, let's say ...  pressured me a bit down there.  I
didn't see them ... I only heard some voices ... but I'm now sure that they
were there."

"Oh!  You should have told us."

"Maybe ... but at the time, I wasn't sure."

"Come here."

He got closer to me and we hugged.  His warm body felt like home.  I knew I
could trust him.  He'd be there for me and I would be there for him.

We snuggled ... my back against his chest ... our legs tangled together
... his dick resting against my ass ... his breath caressing my neck
... his hand around my chest.

How much safer could a person feel?  How much more love could there be?

"I love you, Francis," I whispered.


Well that is it for this chapter. ...  will there be more. I don't know to
be honest. I have lots of idea so who knows. You want me to continue or
start a new story write to noway16@hotmail.com.