Date: Sun, 10 Apr 2005 18:12:31 +0000
From: tim tim <noway16@hotmail.com>
Subject: chapter 61 of coach's assistant

Well almost a half year I let you wait and hang in if there would be more
but at last here is chapter 61. Excuses yea many, work, life, holiday's,
etc etc and I guess I needed a break as well after the last few chapters
written so fast after each other in the fall.

But from now on I will try to bring regular update's again from the live of
Francis and Nick and their friends.

Interested in other stories from me or things I like check out my website
at www.geocities.com/timsfunplace. If you do don't forget to vote for the
picture of the month april/may.

Now lets go and see what has happened so far. Here is chapter 61.


They say that time heals all wounds but, in my case, I think it was a very
slow process.  Looking back at those last few months, I still some times
think that it'd all been a dream.  But no, it hadn't been.  How incredible
it all sounded!  But I knew that it had all happened.  The first few days
after they'd been arrested in Amsterdam, I went through a period of
incredible turmoil ... feelings of joy eclipsed a sense of deep sadness
... I felt hurt and was depressed.  It all had turned out even worse when
we came back to our normal surroundings at home.  The pleasant welcome of a
change of scenery was gone.  I had to recount the whole story several times
... in front of the police, attorneys, my dad ... well, you name it and I
think I spoke to them ... over and over again.  Once I started the story, I
held nothing back, and I think that the shrink must have heard my story at
least ten times before I was able to bring myself under control.  He told
me it was good ... a way to get it out of my system ... to learn to deal
with it, to see it in a less emotional way.

He might have been right, I don't know.  Sometimes it helped ... at other
times, I thought that he had no idea what he was talking about ... theory
was all well and good, but he'd never had to deal with the real feelings
and emotions.

I stayed away from most of my friends ... Alexei was busy with his
championship preparations ... or maybe he was ready, I didn't know and I
didn't care.  I knew that Brian had kept in contact with Francis, and Randy
had tried to contact me through my e-mail account several times.  They just
knew too much.  They were too intimately involved with what had happened.

My father?  Yea, he tried ... I could sense that ... though he wasn't sure
what to do.  I knew that he was always there for me, whenever I needed him.
At first he was a bit overly concerned ... but, after weeks went past and
the beginning of the new school year loomed closer, he let go a bit
... though he was never too far away for me to lean on if necessary.  He
might not have realized it, but I needed him more than I showed.  His
upbeat attitude towards it all had helped me to cope.

Then, of course, there was Francis.  I'm not sure what I would have done if
he'd not been there.  Our quarrel hadn't gone past the point of no return
... not that we were able to return immediately to our normal state of
affairs as of a few months ago ... but still, we'd grown, taken another
step in our relationship.  We were in a place where our relationship
couldn't be shattered by a single incident ... for we'd reached a deeper
love where we thoroughly valued each other's opinions ... where two persons
wanted to become one.  We'd developed into a partnership with both of our
individual identities intact.  We even laughed about it.

But when it came to my sexual preferences and feelings ... that was still
territory we weren't able to explore ... though I think he was beginning to
understand.  As for myself, I tried to focus on the good stuff ... not
feeling guilty ... but still, not able to act on my feelings, either.  The
shrink had helped me to understand it ... to get a grip on my feelings ...
to make me strong in the face of suddenly meeting an overpoweringly male
closeness ... to be able to be in such a situation ... to be an individual
with my own feelings of submission ... but with my own sense of self, to be
myself.  Oh, I sometimes still felt that overwhelming feeling of needing,
wanting to obey someone instantly ... I recognized it and could give it its
own little place in me and let it be just what it was ... nothing more,
nothing less.

Since school was about to start, I dreaded the day that was approaching ...
the day I couldn't pretend that I was someone else at school any more.
They had warned me about it.  I'd talked it over with dad, Francis, the
police, the state attorney ... but still, the closer it got, the less
secure I felt.

In these areas, Francis had supported me 100 per cent.  I knew what the
consequences would be for me ... for him ... for us.  So far we'd been able
to avoid everything.  Charges were laid in the utmost secrecy and had not
led to any reporters making any enquiries about what happened ... but I
knew that that would change ... with the date of the preliminary hearing
getting closer, the case would be something that the press would jump on at
unbelievable speed.

I'd thought about it at length ... discussed it with several of my closest
confidents ... how to deal with it.  I'd even made one phone call to
Alexei, to see if his experiences with the press would give me some
insights on how the story might be discovered and interpreted.  But it was
sheer guesswork.  I felt like I needed to be in control of the situation
... and I'd hoped that I had found the way to do that.

That meant coming straight with my friends ... hmmm, that may be a somewhat
strange way to put it ... but you know what I mean.  The national press and
the man on the street weren't what was bothering to me ... no, it was our
team mates, our school friends, our teachers and all the others that I
encountered on a daily basis.

Now it was mid-November and, with the start of the new gymnastics season in
a few weeks ... the hearing in just a week ... it was time to try and
control my emotions.  The state attorney told me that in three days time,
the story would be picked up for sure when the calendar of hearings would
be announced for the next week.  So I'd made my appointment.  I knew I had
to set some ground rules, as I wanted to see what was said before it got
published, and no one would be allowed to read the story before I'd been
able to present my version of it to my teammates.

When I look back on it, the interview had been an easy one for me.  Just
like in those first days after the arrest, the story just jumped out of me
... expanded onto the table without any control from me.  I'd registered
all kinds of emotions on the face of the school reporter, but he'd kept
himself in a very professional frame of mind.  I now looked at our
interview.  I hadn't set out any limits about the content of the article
... I thought that if I'd spoken from the heart and if he'd been a
sensitive professional, then he'd understand my plight.

I slowly started to open the piece of paper with the text of the interview
and tried to read the words that were dancing in front of my eyes.  I
realized that there where words on the page, but they didn't sink into my
mind at all.  I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and opened them again
and started again.



Gymnastic Championship turned into a nightmare Steve reporting

We all read about the disappearance of Nick, the gymnast who performed so
incredibly at the last State Championships.  Now, several months later,
Nick asked me to report on what actually happened and why he finds it
important to share his "nightmare" with you.  He wants to make sure you
hear his side of the story before it becomes public in the next few days.

I must admit that, so far, this has been my hardest job ever while writing
for this school newspaper and, in spite of its dramatic qualities, I'm not
sure if I'd have published it, except that Nick has asked me to publicize
his situation.  Just to make sure that you understand ...  this story is
based on Nick's own account, supported by information I've received from
the local police, as authorized by the school principal.

Just after the press conference but before leaving the hotel to hit town
and celebrate their victory, Nick was captured by a former team member in
the stairway and, for the next two days, was held hostage in one of the
hotel rooms.  It seems that he was forced into acts of cruel sexual
violence by that former team member under threat of blackmail.  Blackmail,
you might wonder!  Yes, blackmail!  It exists even here at our school.

The former team member found out that, for quite some time, Nick had been
having a relationship which he'd rather have held private.  But with the
hearing for the trial of the former team member about to take place, Nick
now realizes that it's time to open up and to be proud of the love he feel
for Francis.  Yes, Nick is gay.  So what? I thought and I asked him that
same question.

Looking back, he replied simply, "Prejudice ... being afraid of the
reactions of others. I've not been that outgoing and only recently, with my
performance, have others started to notice me.  I'd grown ... become more
self-aware and self-confident.  I was definitely not ready to give that up
to become a gay gymnast.  To be stereotyped like that was unthinkable.  And
it wasn't only up to me.  Coming out ...as you might know the process is
called ...  would have consequences for Francis.  He'd enough to deal with
at that time and I couldn't add more to his plate."

"Troubles with his parents, you mean, Nick?  Was that why he was staying at
your place?"

"I'm not going to go into that now, but let's just say that he's had some
pretty horrible reactions to his coming out and had been living with us for
some time."

>From the local police I've learned that next Thursday, a hearing will
commence for the trial of Nick's abusive former team member and two former
doctors who'd been working for the national gymnastic society for several
years now.  Nick explained that the whole incident had been well planned
and executed.

At the end of the interview (more will be published in our next several
issues), Nick emphasized that he never wanted to pretend to be someone
other than the person he really was.  As other gay teens know, he was
dealing with the shock that you don't fit the image that society creates
for teens these days ... and that is hard to deal with.

On the question of whether he was afraid of the reactions that might follow
the revelation of his experiences, Nick said that he felt confident now and
had the support of a lot of people.  Everyone is allowed his own opinions
and you have to respect them.

Now, all this makes you wonder if there are any other gays at this school
...  people trying to deal with and fight with their feelings ... to hide
them ... when the only thing they should be doing is enjoying and
celebrating their teen years with all its incredible feelings of joy at the
process of becoming a person in his or her own right.  Nick agreed with
this idea and hopes that the steps he and Francis have taken would make it
easier for others to open up and enjoy the right of being who they really
are.

More of the interview will follow in our next issues, and the hearing and
trial will proceed.

__________________________________

Yea, he'd done a good job.  I knew it had to be in Steve's style.  It was
maybe not exactly how I would have written it on my own, but it came close.

Now we'd just had to wait to see what would happen over the next few weeks.
How would people at school respond?  How about my friends who didn't know
about us?  Would the press play up the details of the trial?  Could I just
go back to life the way it was?

Well, those were all legitimate worries but I couldn't go back now ... nor
did I want to.  By tomorrow, the paper would be all over the school and
then all I could do was wait and see what would happened.

I knew that the principal backed us completely.  He'd talked about it with
my dad before we went into the interview and he'd read the story before it
was published.  He wanted to protect me, I guess, but he realized that it
was something I needed to do.

I walked towards the office of the school newspaper and, when I opened the
door, I saw that Steve was there with several others.  They looked to see
who'd come in.  I just stood there, holding a copy of the paper, and gave
him a thumbs up.  Steve smiled and nodded.  He knew that I'd approved of
the way he'd handled it.

I turned around in the direction of my locker.  As I rounded the last
corner, I saw that Francis was waiting for me.

"That's it?" he asked.

I nodded and gave him the paper.  I studied his face while he read it.
When he was almost finished, I said, "Are you ready for this, Francis?"

"Yea, I think so.  We've been working towards this lately, so let's take
the next step."

"OK ... you asked the guys from the team to come in tomorrow at 9?"

"Yea, they should all be there."

"Good ... let's go home and have a quiet evening together."


More to come oh yea, you want more an e-mail is always welcome with your
idea's suggestion of just to let me know you are reading the chapter and
enjoyed it. My e-mail address noway162001@yahoo.com. You want more fun
visit them my website at www.geocities.com/timsfunplace. If you don't
forget to vote for the cutie of this month.