Date: Thu, 24 Feb 2005 19:49:12 +0000 From: Steve Thomas <stevethomas535@hotmail.com> Subject: Coles-Dreams, Chapter 29 This is a work of pure fiction, based on the author's feelings, beliefs, and in some cases, experience. There may be graphic sexual encounters at times between men, so if this offends you, you are invited to retreat. If you are too young or it is otherwise illegal for you to be reading this kind if story, shame on you for reading it - - please stop here. If not, - - ENJOY! Cast of Characters: Cole Alexander Stephanson IV -- Our hero Jazz -- (Jack Zachary) Coles oldest brother Diane -- Jazz's wife Rod -- Coles middle brother Igor (Iggy) -- Cole's Tutoring Pupil Cole Alexander Stephanson III -- Coles Dad Ethyl Stephanson -- Cole's mom Rex Remlin-- Rod's best friend Gus Hartwin -- Cole's Boyfriend Michelle -- Cole's old girlfriend. Dexter -- Iggy's boyfriend Ed -- Paramedic Manolo -- Paramedic Steve -- Manolo's boyfriend Randy -- Found Boy Curtis -- Found boy's brother Kian Willis -- Friend in Vancouver Nicolas Poole -- Friend in Vancouver Howard Poole -- Nicolas's Father Christian -- the pool guy Boyd -- the pilot Spike -- Cop and former classmate From Chapter 28 "Gus! You're kidding! After our scare and you -- what the - " "I -- well, it's not as if -- I mean -- we don't have to touch anyone else! It was so hot doing it in the same room and at the same time as the other guys were doing it!" "Yeah, it was. And we got so carried away, we let Chris join us." "No. YOU let him. He was sucking YOU, not me." He smirked. "Yeah, and if it was you, you woulda stopped him! Righhht!" I scoffed. "I just think if we set the rules in the beginning, it could work." "Dang, Dude!" "What?!! You really don't think it would be fun - - and hot?" "No. That's just it. I know you're right. But - - I told him no way! I feel now like I'm so wishy-washy!" "Haha! You'll get over it!" "We don't have to decide now!" I pouted. "Nope! We don't" he smiled, looked around and kissed me. Chapter 29 Mom and the babies were home after a week and a half. It was like Gus and I had another vacation! With Dad and Randy gone all day, and Mom in the hospital, we had enough time to ourselves to do whatever we wanted. But when it was time for Mom to come home with the babies, Gus started to get uncomfortable about just hanging around the house. "We have another 10 weeks before the semester starts," Gus said, "and I think I should try to get some kind of work." "I want to, too!" I complained. "You know we already determined that you should be free to rest as much as possible, Cole!" He replied. "Didn't you say that your eye feels better now?" "I don't know -- for sure." "That's not what you said last week. Look. You mom is not as young as when she had you guys. And now there are two demanding little persons to take care of. It's not as if you will be just loafing around the house. Cole, let's give that eye its maximum chance for healing -- or whatever. The decision to not watch TV was probably the hardest, but that has worked. And it will work for you to help your mom. You can - " He paused a moment "And the books on tape have helped too -- to give your eye as much rest as possible. Sweetie, after we start back to school, it's not gonna be easier. If anything, it's gonna be harder, and the studying will be more intense. Let me work, and you help your mom as much as you can." I folded my arms and pouted. "I don't wanna be a slug! I wanna pull my weight!" "What's this?" My dad walked in. "I thought this was already decided. You need to give your eye - " "I KNOW all that! But I feel like a friggin' slob." "After a week with your mom -- helping take care of the boys -- and the house -- you may want to get away even more!" Dad said. "But here you can take a nap, or just close your eyes whenever you feel tired. You can't do that anywhere else." "That's what I was trying to say!" Gus interjected. "I'm gonna HAVE to start working SOME time. When I graduate, or whatever!" "By that time your eye may be stabilized and it won't be an issue, Cole." Dad said. "Yeah, and I might be blind too! And all this shit will be for nothing!" "It won't be for nothing, Cole -- ever!" Said Gus. "If saving your sight now means it's easier for you to finish your education, then if you DO lose your sight, you'll have something to do." "Yeah! And what if my eye just never gets any better -- or worse? It's not fair!" I said. "I think you're borrowing trouble, Son." I slumped lower in my chair, as my emotions flowed over. I couldn't stop the tears. "I feel like a piece a' shit!" And I started bawling like a baby. I felt humiliated, pissed and embarrassed for breaking down! Gus sat down at my feet on the floor and hugged my knees, his head pressing into my knee. "It's NOT fair, Sweetie. But like being gay -- it is what it is! I love you no matter what - " He stopped short and looked at my dad. I think he forgot momentarily that Dad was there. "We all love you Cole. Gus probably more than anyone. I can't imagine what it must be like to feel like you do now. You're right. It's not fair. If I could take your problem, I would, Son. So would Gus." I felt Gus nodding his head. "But for whatever reason, you are the one to bear it. But I should remind you -- you have so much to he happy about." I wished he would stop. But I knew he was right. He continued, "You have a family that loves you and would -- no WILL -- do anything for you. I know you want to do it for yourself. I am so proud my son feels that way. There are so many young people your age and older who would love to do nothing -- and live off the rest of our hard work. But my son wants to pull his own weight. That's not a bad thing. All I want you to know right at this moment is what you are feeling will soon be replaced by a warm, good feeling." He looked me deeply in the eyes and continued, "And then in a few days you may feel like crap again. It will come and go. And with the help and love of your family -- and especially Gus -- you are gonna be fine." "Let's go for a short run, Cole." Said Gus "That might perk you up!" Dad smirked, then said, "Oh! You're talking about a REAL run!" We all laughed at that. The run DID perk me up. Somehow getting out there in my shorts and Nike's, running around the track at the high school, nothing else to think about except maybe watching Gus's sweet butt in his flimsy running shorts. It was a cool, overcast morning, but it was fast warming up, especially as we ran. We shed our shirts, and Gus looked so good. I have to admit -- I looked pretty good too. Except both of us were so lily white. A couple weeks and we could start getting a tan for the summer. Still, seeing him shirtless, with his dark pink tits accenting his otherwise white pecs, it was easy to forget my earlier slump. Oh I did think of it, bit it was easier to think of it in objective terms. I thought about what Dad said about the depression coming and going. And how easily it was dispelled by the running. So many people sit around watching TV, never getting out and working their heart and lungs up. There is something very therapeutic about that. When we got back, dad was in the garage, under his car, unscrewing the crankshaft drain. There was a neighborhood rule about working on your car in the driveway in this place. "Cole, are you busy this afternoon?" Dad asked. "Not really. Why?" I answered. "`Just wondered if you wanna work with me to reline those front brakes in the Pontiac. I heard them squealing as you pulled up the other evening. The little tab is hitting the edge of the shoe, letting you know its time." Dad taught me to always do my own brake jobs. The mechanics always want to "true" the drums. This is where they grind or mill then down so they are round. What they don't tell you is that the tremendous pressure that the hydraulic system allows you to direct to the brakes, as they heat up to very high temperatures, will always put them out of round. The old drums on the '57 Pontiac weren't original, but they had seen some miles. The faces were scored all the way around from one or two times Dad let the shoes get too thin. This is another reason that mechanics have to turn the drums. And they do "HAVE" to. By law. It was a law that some lobbyist convinced the state legislature to pass. In reality, a good drum with scores, is a better braking tool. The shoes quickly wear in to the scores, and it makes for more breaking surface than was there before. Of course when the brake drums get too thin from wear, they do need to be replaced. But mostly they don't get thin from wear. It is from unnecessary turning, required by law of a mechanic, whenever the scores are a certain depth or they are "out of round". My dad decided at a very early age (for me) that I was mechanical. He always wanted me to be an engineer like himself. He was mildly disappointed when I decided that I did not want to go there -- mostly because there were too many in the field. He approved however when I decided on the medical field. Now that I had decided to fine tune it to the psychiatric study, he was even more supportive. "Too many damned psychologists out there who couldn't fix themselves, so they want to fix everyone else." This was the talk as we worked on my brakes. "I can't tell you how many of my schoolmates went into psychology because they were so screwed up in their own heads. The best psych majors are those who change into psych AFTER starting college." "Oh, good, then that would be me, huh?" "Exactly! With the physical problems you have, you have been able to empathize with others, and from what I have observed, you are pretty much right on in your ideas." "Thanks, Dad. You don't know how good that makes me feel. I didn't used to feel that my parents' approval was that big a deal, but you know what? It is!" "All you boys have made us proud, Cole. I'll admit, it was a stretch to accept you -- your -- I mean you and Gus. But now that I understand it better, and love him like my own, I'm even proud of your decisions in this area. I could not really brag about how responsible my son is in his gay relationship to others, but I'm proud of you, Cole!" "Thanks, Dad. Oh wait a minute. Removing this main brake shoe spring takes all my concentration." "I know! And I have skinned up a few knuckles to prove that! It's a lot easier with Vise-grips. When I started doing this, there was no such thing." The '57 Pontiac has drum brakes all around -- one of the disadvantages of driving an antique. Not only are they harder to work on, but they also lose braking power when they get wet. We were all alone working in the garage, so I decided to ask some more questions about my dad's sexual youth. "Dad, um -- when did you lose your interest in boys?" "Interest?" "Yeah. You said you liked playing with your friends -- sexually. When did that change to wanting to do it with girls?" "Cole, I really never went through the `hate girls' stage that other guys seemed to. I did like experimenting with my friends. I know there were some who did it with girls, but that was quite taboo." "It was taboo to do it with girls, but not with boys?" "It was just not done. A little boy seldom stayed the night -- especially alone in a tent -- with a little girl. I was curious about the girls too. Of course I heard that boys and girls -- men and women -- did things that were supposed to be fun. But for most boys, the opportunity just never presents itself. So we experiment with our pals, I guess." "But you only did it with guys you really knew well -- and liked -- right?" "No! If you remember, the kid down the street, Gomer, that played with me the first time we got through an orgasm -- and lived -- hahaha -- I hardly knew him!" "I never was interested in doing anything with girls. Did I tell you that my first was Iggy?" "No. You didn't have to. We knew he was gay, - - and we knew you were -- doing -- things -- with him." "DAD!" "We liked him. But when I suggested to your mother that maybe you were too close with him, she said, she had wondered for a lot of years. I saw that poster you had of Gus up in your bedroom, but I just -- didn't think anything about it, really. Guess I thought it was a goal of some sort. Damn he does look good, doesn't he?" "What? YOU think he looks good?" I exclaimed. "I can appreciate a finely tuned male body! Can't you do the same for a pretty or shapely girl?" "Yeah - - but I don't think it's quite the same." I said. "Why is that, Son?" "When you look at another guy, it's something to admire -- or not -- and something compare yourself to. But with a woman, the sex YOU are attracted to sexually, you can just appreciate. With us, we don't quite have the appreciation of the women like you do, and yet we have added to our admiration of guys, the comparison thing." "Ohhhh! So it's kind of maybe harder for you -- er -- a gay guy to reconcile this in his head." "It can get confusing. It's so clear cut for you." "Well, maybe MORE clear cut, anyway. If I wasn't so in love with your mother, I don't know if I -- Cole, this conversation NEVER leaves this garage! -- but she is not as shapely as when we dated and got married. I am still attracted to shapely women, but never to anyone who is shaped like your mom. Only my love makes me still attracted to her. Cole, don't mistake this: I still think your mom is very pretty -- beautiful in my eyes, but any other woman that is shaped like that I am not attracted to sexually.." "Wow! You've given this a lot of thought." "When I thought I'd lost her, a lot of things went through my mind, Cole. Remember -- this is never to leave this conversation. I'm just trying to help you make some sense of your situation. Someday, even Gus will not have his tip-top shape -- like he does now. If he stays active like Jack LaLanne, he still won't look as young and attractive as he does now. You won't either." "I'm not that great to look at in a bathing suit!" "But you are a very good looking young man -- even with your one eye -- even without the patch. I could see any young man -- or young woman -- getting excited at the prospect of dating you." "You're crazy -- and prejudiced." "Well, I don't think I am. But the point is -- you know who Jack LaLanne is -- right?" "Of course. He's that old body builder." "Yes. But his body now, as strong and sinewy as his muscles are, is saggy and old looking. Someday, your gonna be in the shower with Gus -- assuming you guys stay together that long -- and you're gonna notice that his ass sags. That usually happens first. Then his pecs will lose definition -- or at least they will look like it, because the skin will stretch and sag. But Cole. If you just always concentrate on how much you love him, and not how good he looks -- he will always look good to you." "Wow." I said. "I guess you must be right." "I believe that's even more important for a gay couple to remember, Cole." "Why?" I asked. "Because, in our society, it's pretty much accepted that a gay couple probably won't stay together. So there is not much of a stigma to breaking it off -- even for a long term relationship. But that doesn't mean that it hurts any less for the one who is left behind. You really have to be sure in your commitment. Does that make sense to you?" "Yeah. Yeah, it does. I think most of the psychology that I seem to just `naturally' have, I really got from you -- and Mom." "Maybe. Ready to do the other side, Cole?" "Dad, we did that side first! We're finished!" "See how fast time goes when you're having fun!?" Dad quipped. "Gus, Are you still gonna love me when I start getting old?" I asked, trying to be nonchalant. "Okay, what's going on, Babe?" "You know, when my butt and pecs start to sag. Will that make a difference?" "I think you might be forgetting something." "What?" I asked. "I'll be getting older and sagging at the same time." "But I know you are gonna look so appealing to a lot of young guys." "And - - you're not?" "What? You think an old guy with an eye patch will look good to some kid? Maybe if he's always had a thing for Captain Kidd!" "Cole! I repeat: What's going on? What did you and your dad talk about while you were working out there?" "A lot of things. I dunno. Yeah, we were talking about growing old. He was telling me how he loves my mom, even though she doesn't look like she did when she was 25 any more. I hope we can do that." "Why wouldn't we?" "Dunno. It just seems like -- well, what my dad said is true. Gay couples have a really poor record of making it -- for a long time. One or the other -- or both -- get sidetracked by some guy -- maybe usually younger -- and they forget -- or decide to forget -- that their commitment to their partner is important. Or something." "(Sigh) I dunno either. Maybe if they feel that way -- that's when it should end. I don't see that happening to us, but - - " "But?" "It happens to all kinds of people. Not only gays." "Yeah, but it happens more to gays. How are we gonna keep it from happening to us?" "Cole, the thought of losing you makes my chest hurt -- physically. I just can't imagine anything worse happening to me. I guess -- we just have to work on it -- keep it fun and exciting as long as we can. How can we do that, Doctor Stephanson?" "Hmmm. "Communication? Make sure we are always in tune with each others feelings? And needs. And wants." "That makes sense. I'll bet a lot of couples just don't share enough with each other." "Maybe that's why lezzies stay together better than dudes do." I said. "Why's that?" "You know women. They always share. Even when I was dating girls, they always had to tell me about 12 dozen facts I had no interest in every time we met." "So - - you want to -- um -- act more like women? HAHA!" "No! Just that we should always tell each other what we need." I explained. "Okay. That's fair. I need some hot sex -- now!" "That's what I like about men! We all want sex all the time!" "You got it!" He laughed. "But that's what gets them in trouble too. Too often a guy wants it NOW, and his partner may not be available NOW! Gay or straight, that drives a lot of guys to cheat. I really don't think they see it as cheating. It's just satisfying a need." "Is that how you feel?" He showed a little concern. "No, of course not! But I think we need to be aware that our natural urge is to get what we want -- NOW." Gus grabbed my right hand and put it in front of my face. "Meet one of my best friends - - your right hand! Use him often as you like. With me or without me. And if I'm too tired to give you what you want (Yeah, like that'll ever happen! HA!) I can at least watch you and my friend go at it!" "Well, right now, I want more than my right hand." I exclaimed. "And I want to do more than watch!" It was a quickie, quiet and smooth, with Mom, Dad, Randy and the babies in the other room. Five minutes top! But we needed six! KNOCK KNOCK! "Guys, Jazz is here and wants to talk to you." Dad's voice said. Dad was always so discreet with us. "Okay!" I hollered back in my sleepiest, yawning voice, as Gus was on top of me, going slow and as quiet as he knew how! "Be right out. Just gotta wake up a little." I said. "It's okay, he's here for dinner." Dad assured us. We quickly finished our last minute, hardly able to contain our laughter. I jumped out of bed and threw on my underwear and jeans, grabbed a clean tee from the drawer, and came out to the living room wild haired and rubbing my eyes. "Have a good afternoon nap, Son?" Dad said, maybe a little too dryly. "Probably more like afternoon delight!" Jazz quipped. Mom and Randy were in the kitchen, so I whispered, "Jealous, Jazzy?" "Duh!" He answered, disgustedly. "She never wants to do anything any more! And forget about anything mid-afternoon!" "That'll change in a few years." My dad said. "Huh?" We both cranked out heads in his direction. "Women start to crave it when they get older. It's sometimes hard to keep up with their demands!" "You mean you and Mom - - " "Okay, enough said!" Said dad with a droll look on his face. "We won't discuss HOW I know -- just take my word for it!" I smirked and rolled my eyes. "There IS some small compensation for this lifestyle, then! At least we won't have to go through that!" "Yes." Jazz said. "You have enough to deal with. Which is why I wanted to talk to you. Cole, I think you should again consider learning a little about this new software we have developed. It will make the transition so much easier if you learn it first, before - - before anything happens." "My vision is getting better, Jazzy." I said. "Son, you won't know that until you start back to school. Jazz, we have allowed -- more like encouraged -- Cole to take it easy until the semester starts. So he has been getting a lot more rest than he was while he's attending school. And Gus has reminded us that the next semester is going to be a tough one. Cole won't be taking over 12 units anyway, but the courses will be more intense this year." I felt defeated, but knew I should listen to my older advisors. "What do I have to do?" I asked. Jazz handed me a CD. "Just load this in your computer. It will translate most text to audio speech." "Oh. Okay." I said, not as gratefully as I should have. "It really may help you bro. It's not released yet. You maybe can let us know if there are glitches." "What has glitches?" Gus walked in. "What doesn't?!" Jazz said. "I just gave Cole our latest text translator for the - " He started out loud and then got really soft, "the blind." "KEWL!" Said Gus. "We can play with it in our room!" "Yes," Jazz said, "when you run out of other things to do in there!" Gus put his hand in front of his face and turned red. "Thanks, Jazz." He said softly. "What would be good to learn now are the meanings of the symbols." Jazz said. "We have not yet, for example, put a kissing sound where a lot of people will make the kissing symbol. That's just one. And most of the emoticons aren't dealt with yet. They're next. We'll make them downloadable for a modest price when we do." I was a bit more heartened when I heard Gus so enthusiastic about it. "Thanks, Jazzy. Sorry if I can't get too excited. I keep wanting to hope that I won't need it." "I know, Cole. I wish I could do more." "Time for dinner, men!" Mom said. "And we are celebrating tonight." "What's the occasion?" "Randy has gotten one B and the rest A's on his end of the year report!" "NO SHIT!??" Gus exclaimed. "Oops! Sorry. Slipped out. No kidding, kid? That's awesome!" He high-fived Randy. "We're so proud of you, Son." Dad said. I could see that Randy hung on every word my dad said, but especially when Dad called him son. Randy beamed. "Thanks! I never knew I could even get a B before last year. And I wouldn'ta without - " Tears came to his eyes. Then tears came to everyone else's eyes. " -- without all of your help." Mom made a special Red Velvet cake that she only made for my birthday otherwise. That and ice cream was the celebratory dessert. After dinner Gus and Randy washed the dishes while Jazz and I went to my room to install the program. The bed was wide open and it was still wet. I don't think he saw it, but he couldn't help but see me run to it and pull the covers over the mess. He didn't say anything, but my face was hot -- and probably red. We installed the program and tried it out. The voice was male and was actual digitally recorded from some pleasant sounding baritone guy. When I typed something not recognizable, a more electronic voice tried to sound it out. I tried an emoticon. The electronic voice said "expression 87". I could see I would have to memorize all of those in case someone used them. "Cole?" Jazz said "Yeah?" "Try to have fun with it. Sounds like Gus will help in that department." "K. Thanks, Jazzy -- really!" I gave him a big hug. I love you, Big Bud!" "Love you too Coley." We started playing with the program later that same evening. It was kinda fun. I actually put on a blind fold. At one point he turned down the volume drastically. The reason was quickly evident, as he typed out, "God, I love you, Cole!" It sounded so strange with another guy's voice saying it. I got up, felt my way to him and pulled him up in to a wonderful embrace. Out of nowhere he started to silently cry. "God, I don't want you to go blind, Sweetheart. I wish it was me!" "I'm not blind yet, Gus." I said softly. "and I may never be." I was hopeful. "It's just not fair." "I know." I said. I was actually soothing him. "But there might be one advantage!" I quipped. "What?"? I removed my blindfold. I peered into his eyes. "I am memorizing every part of your beautiful face. If I do go blind, I will always see you this way. You on the other hand will have to watch me get old." "And I will watch you, until one of us dies." "That would be me." I said with decided finality. "If you die first, there won't be anything left for me to live for." "Okay, now you're being stupid. Don't ever talk like that. You know that's not so. We are gonna love those twin brothers of ours so much that they won't let you be alone -- ever." "I know, but - - That's still how I feel." I averred. We kissed so softly and sweetly, as if anything more would break the spell. He led me to the bed, and locked the door and turned off the light. Our sex was not hurried or harried or even exciting as it had been earlier. It was the epitome of sweetness. After he filled me with his love, he whispered one word: "Forever." We fell deeply asleep and did not wake up til much later when we both had to pee. The mess was not messy. Everything had dried by then. We came back to bed and fell quickly asleep, as he spooned me from behind. The last I can remember, he was ever so gently caressing my pecs, and barely audibly moaning in my ear. "Heavenly Father, thank you for giving me this wonderful man who makes me complete." I whispered. "I don't understand why we are like we are, but at this point in my life, it's all I ever want to be. Please forgive me when I am unkind to others. Especially I pray that Gus will understand when I am past anger and frustrated with myself and my limitations. Please bless my new brothers with healthy bodies. Bless Mom and Dad that they may be able to care for them until they are adults. "Father, I don't often ask for much for myself. But I want to ask that I may not lose my sight. I know that you know what's best, but in my own head, I cannot think how blindness would help me. I trust you to be my loving Father. Thy will be done, Father, but for my part, I don't want to lose my sight. "Help me to carry on my studies and get the rest and healing that I need. Bless Gus to continue to have patience with me. "In Jesus name, Amen" "Amen!" Gus sleepily said. I could feel his tears on my neck as I slipped off to sleep. Notes: Many times I have cried while proofreading my chapter. This is the first time I have cried while writing a passage. If you want to comment, please write to Steve at stevethomas535@hotmail.com. Thanks and love, Steve