Date: Wed, 14 Aug 2002 08:15:13 -0700
From: Steve Thomas <s4d@hotmail.com>
Subject: Colins-Story, chapters 35 - 37

Well!

Poor Colin!  Poor Jake!  What they both did was stupid, but isn't that how
we all are to a great degree?  We make mistakes.  It is easy to forgive
others, but to expect others to forgive me?  Now that's almost as hard as
forgiving myself!  So I (we) condemn ourselves to loneliness, often
needlessly.  Sometimes out mistakes can be fixed.  And sometimes ...

But I have a lot of faith in the power of love, even tho I have been
recently devastated.  Love is what keeps me going.  But the question is,
will it keep Colin and Jake going?  Or will our hero have to move on once
more, to patch up a crushed heart?

In the last chapter, Jake had caught Colin in the really stupid indulgence
of shagging his brother, whom he had promised to leave alone.  Then Jake,
reacting emotionally, went out, got drunk and got involved in an unclean
orgy to drown his misery.  Now both are sorry.  But is sorrow enough?  Like
"love", sometimes it isn't.

Please write and tell me what you think.  Are you impressed?  Are you
disgusted?  Are you crying?  Do you hate me?  Let me know.  Just be sure to
write "Colin" in the subject line before you send it to: s4d@hotmail.com

Chapter 35

Jake's anus was a mess.  He was very sore and bloody.  He said he hurt
inside, and found it very painful to both urinate and move his bowels.  His
peeing stung like hell.  His anus looked sore on the outside, but he said
most of the discomfort was on the inside.  I did not like the sound of that.
  Soreness and sores can heal, but open sores while having unprotected sex
with strangers can be a time bomb.

Blood tests were taken.  Urine specimens were given.  They could not tell us
anything for awhile.  Back then, it took at least two weeks for an HIV test
to come back, and even then, sometimes the disease won't show up in a test
for sometimes up to a year.  Add to that all the rumors, false or otherwise,
and it was pretty scary.

And to add to Jake's discomfort, he was not willing to share this secret
with his family, so we had to act like everything was normal.  Of course
that was impossible, so it was obvious that they were concerned on some
level, about some thing, but did not know why.

Two weeks went by like two years.  He tested positive for HIV.  Since HIV
sometimes takes years to show up, I tested also.  It had not been that long
since I had had sex with him, so it could not be conclusive.  But I didn't
have sex with him after his binge.  (That was then.  This is now, and I can
tell you I did not ever test positive.)  I was lucky.  He didn't even know
who the guys he met at the Rainbow Club were.  They were probably all
positive anyway.  Jake finally had to tell his dad, so they could get the
latest medicine for him.

I loved Jake so much!  Why was our life like this?  I was once again
devastated.  We both were.  I was so much in love, but Jake insisted that I
move out.  I was willing to put up with the trouble, but he was not willing
to have me live with his mistake.  Mistake.  That was my word for it.  His
words were ever so much more condemning of himself.  I would have done
anything for him.  I would have become celibate if it were necessary.  It
would not be necessary, but I was willing.  I was so much in love with that
boy!  But he insisted!  I moved in with Bobby.  Of course I felt many pangs
of guilt myself.

Bobby was no picnic to live with.  He wanted to console me by having sex
with me.  That was the farthest thing from my mind.  I utterly refused his
advances, and eventually he gave it up.  I still worked in the same office
as Jake, but he was adamant about us not even speaking.  It hurt me so
deeply.  Finally I quit my job there, because it was too hard to see him
every day, and be ignored by my main reason for living.  I thought I was
hurting after Aaron was married.  It was nothing to what I felt when Jake
was leaving my life.

I didn't need the job, really, so I didn't immediately look for another.
Bobby was being the good big brother again.  He did not pester me for
attention, as at first.  He started trying to hook me up, like in the past,
but now it was guys he brought home for me.  I was not interested, but in
time Bobby brought home a really nice guy, and we made good friends with
him.  His name was Carston.  He was from Canada.  He was not outstanding in
his looks, but was not hard to look at.  He was 6'-1" [185 cm]tall, standing
nose to nose with Bobby, had sandy hair, and blue -gray eyes.  He had nice
enough features, I guess.  I guess he didn't have many other friends,
because he spent a lot of time with us. Bobby and I had our own bedrooms at
his place.  It was kind of expensive, but he could afford it, and it was all
he could get.

After knowing Carston for 2 months, Bobby, without asking me, asked him to
stay with us.  I could not exactly complain, since I was not contributing
much toward the rent.  Carston could help in that department.  Bobby tried
to get me to let him share my room.  That was where I drew the line.  Bobby
was trying to get us together.  I was just not interested.  I didn't want to
take even the smallest chance of infecting anyone else, and I was still so
much in love with Jake.  So Carston moved into Bobby's room.

"Colin, you should really give carston a chance.  He has great lips - and he
knows how to use them!"

I stared back at Bobby.  I couldn't believe what I was hearing.  "How do you
know that?"

His face immediately became red, almost purple.  He had been caught!

I just said, "Go for it, Bob!  I'm just not interested."  I couldn't hide
the venom in my voice.  I was disgusted.  Go figure!  I felt like a
hypocrite.  It was okay for me, but when it came to my brother - my idol -
it seemed so wrong!"

I was sitting in my English Common Law class one day, about 2 months after
our breakup.  I heard a voice behind me.  "Mr. Thompson?"  Our professor
always referred to us in that way, so she had no other name to call me.  I
had kept so completely to myself that no one really noticed me, let alone
knowing my first name.

"Mr. Thompson?" she repeated.

I turned around to see a very attractive, petite brunette with gorgeous,
huge round eyes.  "I beg your pardon?"

"Hi.  I'm Joy."

"I'm Colin."

"Colin!  I love that name!  It's the name of the little crippled boy in `A
Secret Garden'."

"I know.  It's my claim to fame!"  I smiled apologetically, for my sarcasm.

"I noticed you seem to always know the answers to Professor James's
questions.

"O my god!  I hope I don't - Now I feel like such a dweeb!"

"I didn't mean to embarrass you.  But she seems to call on you quite a lot.
How do you keep all those old terms and words straight?  It's amazing to me
how the English language has changed in 400 years!"

"Yes, it is hardly recognizable as the same language.  I don't know, it
seems to come pretty easily.  God knows it's about the only thing that
does!"

"Do you have a list?"

"You mean computerized?"

"Yes."

I rolled my eyes, as I admitted, "Well, yeah."

"Are the terms listed together with their modern definitive translations and
implications?"

"Yes.  Would you like a copy of them?  I can bring it in on a disk.  It is
at home on my computer."

"Actually I need them for tomorrow's test."  Her lower lip very cutely
pushed out.  "Can I maybe come after school and pick it up in person?"

"That would be okay.  When do you want to come by?  This is my last class
today."

"I still have Racquetball and English lit, but how about 6:00 o'clock?"

"Six will be fine."

"Good!  Do you like beer with your pizza?"

"No, that will not be-

"I insist!  You will be saving me a LOT of trouble!  Beer then?"

"Actually I try to be a bit of a tee-totaler during the week.  AND on
weekends!  I don't like to drink - even beer.  How about some root beer?"

"Root beer it is!  You are not like most guys, that's for sure!"

She said a mouthful with that line!!


I went home and started to straighten up the living room.  And as I was
putting the washed dishes away, it struck me: Why was I so nervous about her
seeing our mess?  We were three guys living together in a college town.
Guys are messy!  But I did not want to give that impression for some reason.

Bobby came home and stepped in the door.  He stopped cold, and looked
around.  "Wow! Dude!  You expecting company or somethin'?"

"As a matter of fact yes."

"Who is he?"

"He is a she, and -"

"Wo wo wo WO!  A girl?  What's gotten into you?  Did you find yourself a fag
hag?"

"Shut up!  It's not like that.  It's just a girl from school.  I'm loaning
her some notes - well giving them to her.  She is repaying the favor by
bringing dinner.  It would be nice if you and Carston would make yourselves
scarce.  I did not tell her it was a "family" here, so I don't want to
embarrass her to not have enough for all of us."

"Well, it sure seems like you have made everything perfect for her!  And
Look at you!  You even shaved close!  You look fantastic, little brother!
Are you sure there is nothing else-"

"Shut up!  I just met her this morning!"  He was starting to irritate me.  I
didn't want to admit that his implications might be true.

"Met who?"  Said Carston coming through the door.

"A girl is coming to pick up some notes."

"And you cleaned up the whole place to give her some notes.  *Sniff-sniff*
Wow! You smell really great!  Is that some of that `You-ain't-gonna-be-able-
to-help-yourself' cologne?  Woooo heeeee!  I want a piece of that!" and he
grabbed at my ass.

"Get away from me, pervert!"  I said, laughing.

"Yeah!  Get away from him, Pervert!" Bobby said in mock jealousy.  "Come on
baby doll," Bobby said to Carston, grabbing his crotch and pulling him
toward the door, "Let's give these love birds some space!"

I could only think of one thing to say: "Fuck you - both!"

As they opened the door, Carston said, "We'll do, our best!"

Bobby had to give up his strangle hold on Carston's crotch to open the door.
  They were both really enjoying their little joke and almost ran right over
Joy.  She ducked, trying to balance root beer and pizza.  Bobby caught the
pizza in his left hand, and her in his right.

"How nice to make your acquaintance!  I'm Bobby, Colin's brother, and this
is my - er, friend - Carston!"

He was off balance and fell and almost pulled her down on top of him.  But
he kept the pizza top side up, so all was well. Carston, ever the gentleman
around a lady, helped them both up.

"Nice to meet you both.  Are you staying for pizza?  There's plenty!"

They looked at me hungrily.  I was shaking my head  - YES! PLEASE!!!

Bobby answered. "No, we are already late for another dinner invitation.
Thanks anyway."   They disappeared out the door.

"Wow, you guys sure look a lot alike!  Bobby is older or younger?"

"Actually we are twins born two years apart!  How can you say that?  He
looks like my dad and I look like my mom!" Now why did I have to go and say
something to make her look stupid?

""Well there is definitely a family resemblance.  You are both outstandingly
cute!"

Now I was speechless!  I felt my cheeks burning.  I wanted to say something
about her own looks, but it was just too contrived, so I passed.  "Shall we
eat?"

"Why don't we copy that file first, and give the root beer some time to heal
from that beating it got as I came through the door.  Otherwise it may blow
up on us."

I led her into my bedroom where my computer was.  Talk about contrived!
Well it wasn't!  When we got in there, I sat down at the computer, and
turned it on.  She sat next to me, on the bed.  As it was booting up, I
looked over at her, and she was smiling.  "What?"  I said.

"Just this."  She quickly jumped up onto my lap, and put her mouth over
mine.  I was stunned!

I sputtered "Hey, what was that for?"

"Just my way of saying thanks."  She bored into me with her eyes.  I could
not resist those huge wonderful eyes.  I kissed her back!  I was
embarrassed, because my body was surprisingly quick in responding, and she
was still on my lap, and had to know!

"Looks like it's booted up."  She said as she stood up and sat back on the
bed, like nothing had happened.

I looked at the computer, and as I opened the file I said, "Well that was
interesting!"

"Why, what did it do?"  She asked.

"I was talking about what you - what we just did!"  I wasn't willing to just
let it pass.

"Oh - that!  I'm sorry, I'm not usually that forward.  I guess I still was
kind of in the spirit of fun that your brother and his boyfriend started."

God, was I THAT naïve?  Are they THAT obvious?

"And you are so delicious to look at, I would not have forgiven myself if I
didn't at least do something!"

We were not looking at each other while we were talking.  As soon as the
file was on the screen, and I inserted her disk and started to copy it, I
turned around.  "It's okay.  It surprised me was all.  I liked it, actually.
But usually I am the one to initiate - things like that."

"I stand reprimanded!"

"Oh god, I didn't mean it like that, I just-"  and I again looked deeply
into those eyes.  I was again mesmerized.  This time it was I who initiated
it.  It was awkward, because I was sitting high on the chair, and she was
sitting low on the bed, but I tilted my head, and when our lips met, her
mouth opened slightly - a demure invitation.  I accepted, and pushed a
little of my tongue into her mouth, and was met by a lusciously soft, warm
tongue.  My eyes were closed. The computer beeped the finish of the copy.

"Think the root beer is sufficiently calmed down?"

"Probably." She answered.

I looked down at my lap.  HE wasn't calmed down yet!  But my shirt was long
enough to cover him.  So I got up and led her to the kitchen.

We laughed all the way through dinner.  It must have been the root beer!  I
had forgotten how much I could enjoy being with a girl!



           					Chapter 36

Carston was transferred cross-country.  Bobby brought home a string of
boy-bimbos to share his bed.  I was disgusted.  I never knew he could be
like that.  I was sure that mom and dad had no idea!  And I was not going to
be the one to mention it.

"Bobby, are you just going to stop dating altogether?"

"What do you mean?  I have a date almost every other night!"

"You know what I mean!"  And he did!

"You mean girls?  I don't know.  Guys just seem to know what a guy needs -
wants.  I've never met a girl who could stroke my balls with the exact right
amount of finesse.  Either it's too gentle, or too much.  A guy just knows!"

"So are you saying that you are not interested in girls any more?  What
about children?'

"What about them?  I could still have children.  I could adopt."

"Man, what did they teach you at that eastern commie school?"  Did I just
say that?  It sounded like something my dad would say! "You know as well as
I do that a child needs both a dad and a mom."

"Why?"

"I'm not going to have this argument with you.  You already know that each
parent has certain imprints that are imperative to child development."
Well, so much for not arguing!

"I'm just not sure I believe that any more."  I just shook my head, and said
no more.  I thought I knew my brother.  He was falling fast from his
pedestal.  The silence was getting deafening, and Bobby finally broke it.
"Colin, when you were in your relationship with Jake," the mention of his
name still brought an ache to my chest. "We didn't overreact - or at least I
didn't.  I don't know what I will finally do, but please don't bug me about
it.  I am still your older brother, but I am not necessarily the big brother
any more.  I feel very insecure right now.  I don't know what I want.  Do
you?  I saw your face when I mentioned Jake, and I also see how happy you
seem to be with Joy.  Do you have an explanation for that?"

"I'm sorry, Bro.  I - no.  I even still feel bad when I think of Aaron.  He
was such a huge part of my life.  And Jake?  I wonder if we ever completely
get over any love we lose.  This is something Mom and Dad never taught us.
And they surely don't teach it in school!  I still feel strongly attached to
each of them.  And you!  My God, Bobby!  You were my first love.  We never
had sex as kids, but I was definitely emotionally attached to you - still
am.  You mean the world to me"

"You don't know how much it means to me to hear you say that!  I think every
guy I have had in here, I was comparing to you.  Wanna hear something really
strange?  I felt rejected by you when I went away to school."

"Bobby, I never-"

"I KNOW that!  I am the one who left.  But the feeling of detachment was so
great. It FELT like rejection.  And then when I came to see you and decided
to break it off with Suzy, I was so excited to get back here.  And then,
even though I knew you were in a committed relationship with Jake, it felt
like rejection again when I could not get between you and him.  And more
recently, when you moved in here - you really did reject me.  I know, I
know!  You didn't mean it that way, but that was my perception!  But I just
realized, all I needed was some reinforcement of your love."

"Bobby, let me ask you something."

"Anything."

"How do you feel about dad's love?"

"Huh?  I - uh - I don't even know him.  I never did.  Does he love me?  I
don't know."  Bobby looked crushed as he answered.

"I think you should go home and ask him."

"Are you crazy?"

"I don't think so.  I felt the same as you before he cut me off a year ago.
We have come to a better understanding.  I know - Bobby, I KNOW dad loves me
now.  He would walk through fire for me - and he would walk through fire for
you!  He loves you!  He is just completely inept at showing it.  He was gone
most of the time when we were growing up, thinking he was doing what was
necessary to support his family.  He sees that as error now.  Go talk to
him."

"He scares me."

"Well, you probably scare him too."  He smiled at that.  "Go see him"

"Will you go with me?"

"No.  It has to be just the two of you."

"Do I have to tell him about my - my -"

"You don't have to tell him anything you don't want to.  You just need and
deserve to know that he DOES love you!  I KNOW that he does, but you have to
know that for yourself.  Sometimes you have ask for what you need."

I could see tears welling up in Bobby's eyes.  I put my arms around him, and
held him.  I didn't know what else to do.  I kissed him on the cheek and
said, "It's going to be just fine, big bro!"  He relaxed a little and his
hands dropped to squeeze my butt.  I shook my head, "Nuh-uh,"  I said,
gently but firmly, as I lifted them back up.

******************************************************************************************************************************


"Where's Bobby," Joy asked.

He's up visiting our parents for the weekend."

"Guess we all need private time with Mom and Dad, huh?"

"Yeah, something like that."  I replied in a tone that said, let it go.

"You seem to be kind of distant tonight, Colin.  Are you all right?"

"I'm - I'm fine, I guess."

"Yeah, that was convincing.  What's the matter?  Is anything you can tell
me?"

"I - I feel like I'm-" how could I say it?  "I feel like I am getting - too,
er, more - attached - to you than I am ready for.  Like we are going too
fast, or something."

"Oh?  Am I pushing you somehow?  Or-"

"NO!"  I said, too quickly and too strongly.  "I mean, it's not you at all.
I just - just came out of a very difficult - relationship - "

"And you are worried about getting so quickly into another?"

"That's part of it."

"And the other part-?"

"I don't know if I am - ready to - to talk about it."

"Does it have anything to do with your attraction to men?  Are you-?"

"Damn!  Is it THAT obvious?  Well, yeah, that was part of it, too."

"Are you afraid you cannot - perform, or-?"

"No!  I mean, not in the least.  I have been with - girls - before.  As a
matter of fact, I have more - experience - with girls.  But - I've never
fallen in love with a girl."

"But you have with a guy?"

"Two guys!  Three, if you count my brother!  My first was my brother.  I
didn't call it that back when we were growing up.  There was no sex or
anything, but we both had mostly just each other, as far as male
companionship was concerned.  Then my first semester here at UCSB, I had a
roommate that I fell for.  He went away and got married!  But he loved me,
and I loved him."

"Did you ever have sex with him?"

"No, but-"

"Do you mind talking about this?"

"It is a little strange, but - it feels - somehow good or cleansing - or
something."

"So you never had sex with him, but you think you were in love with him."

"Okay, in the first place, I did not say, `in love'.  And secondly, I don't
think love pivots around sex.  I mean I feel very attracted to you, sexually
as well as emotionally, and we have not had sex, but - I still am getting
very attached to you."

"I didn't mean that you have to have sex to - well you know."

"Uh-huh!  Who's hedging now?  Do you think you have to have sex to be sure?"

"I - uh - not necessarily, but- Now what about this last guy."

"It's okay, we can change the subject if you want.  That would be - well, I
am not going to tell you his name."

"Jake?"

"How did you-?"

"I've heard you talk to your brother about him.  His name was always said
with a kind of reverence. Don't look at me that way!  Women notice these
things!"

"There's more."  I said, almost nonchalantly.

"There was another?"

"No.  Jake has AIDS."  It dropped like a bomb.  "I was willing to take care
of him, but he almost drove me away."  I had tears in my eyes by now.  "I
still love him.  I still love Aaron, my old roommate.  Is that normal?"

"I - don't see why not.  I've never thought about it quite this way, but if
you love someone - and there is not a major disagreement to make that love
turn to - hate or something - why would you stop loving him?  So you tried
to take care of him, and he would not allow it.  You did your part.  Why are
you so - wary about another relationship?"

"I tested negative for HIV, but the incubation is sometimes a year or more.
So I could still be carrying it, and not know it.  I trusted that he was
safe.  He trusted that his ex was safe.  Someone wasn't!"

"In other words, you didn't practice safe sex?"

"Bottom line."

"Okay, that at least partially explains why you have been - stand-offish -
about sex.  Is there more?"

"I don't think so.  It's just so - complicated."

"Maybe not.  IT seems we will have to wait for a year to have sex.  What
else?"

"Let me ask you something."

"Okay."

"In psych, we studied about women that were called, `rescuers'.  In regard
to homosexuals, they think they can rescue a man from its `clutches'.  Is
that how you feel?"

"No.  In the first place I didn't know you were attracted to guys when we
first started going out.  So, no, it's NOT that obvious.  But in time, I had
to wonder.  I feel very attracted to you too, and I don't want to get hurt
either.  But, no, I don't think I am a `rescuer'.  Does that sufficiently
answer your question?"

"I - I guess so.  So you are willing to wait a year for me to find out?"

"If I feel that you love me - or could - I am willing to take that risk.  I
like you a lot.  If in that year, I feel that you could not only sustain a
relationship with me, but that there is a good chance that you will not tire
of me, wanting to go back to - men - I could get more attached to you!  Do
you think that's possible?"

"I - uh - think so.  I can't promise I will forget how I feel for - the
others.  But - I think I am sincere enough and steady enough that I will be
- better than the average man with regard to commitment.  This feels so
strange, talking about this in such an - open - and plain way."

"It's how I was raised."

"Jake, too - er - sorry!"

"It's okay.  I understand now what he meant to you.  I will at some time
before we - when we get more serious, expect for you to think of me as your
most important - love.

"Joy, I don't know what to think or say.  I have to wonder what I could have
possibly done to deserve someone as good as you."

"I'm not that good!  You're just that CUTE!  We could have beautiful
children!"  She was pushing my buttons now!

"So, what you're telling me is,"  I said, "if we get married, no more sex
with guys?"

She just threw her hands up.



           					Chapter 37

It was raining.  Why is it always raining at a time like this?  Bobby was
standing beside me, holding my hand. Joy was on the opposite side of the
casket, studying my face very carefully. My dad and mom were standing behind
Joy, looking sad and respectful.  The preacher was going on and on about the
virtues of this dignified, upstanding member of society.  He made Jake sound
so stuffy.  I wanted to tell him to shut up!  Jake was fun.  Jake was smart,
quick, and most of all, he was loving.  Why wasn't the minister saying those
things?!

As they started to lower him into the ground, I started weeping
uncontrollably.  I almost threw myself on Bobby's shoulder, and was out of
control.

"Colin!  Little Brother!"  Bobby said, sounding like his voice was coming at
me through a tube.  "Colin!  Wake up, Wake up!"  He was shaking me.  I
opened up my eyes and stared blankly into my brother's face.  "You were
having a nightmare.  I heard you from my room.  Boy, it must have been a bad
one!"

"What time is it?"  I said, all of a sudden wide-awake and alert.

"It's five in the morning."

"Gotta get up!"

"It's Saturday morning."

"Gotta get going!"

"Colin!  It's Saturday!  No work today!  No school today!"

"Bobby, I have to go see Jake!  My dream was about Jake!"

"What did you dream about him?"

"That he died!  It was his funeral!"  That brought tears to my eyes again.

"Colin, Little brother, Jake is fine!"

"He's not fine! He's getting worse!"

"NO! I saw him yesterday.  He's back, full time, at work.  He looks so much
better."

"I've gotta see for myself!"

"Do you think he will see you?  He was pretty adamant about keeping you
away.  He doesn't want to hurt you.  He wants you to move on."

"But hurting me is exactly what he IS doing.  I just want to see him; see
that he is okay; maybe see that he still feels for me what I feel for him.
I HAVE to know.  I can live with losing him.  But I need to know he loves
me.  That's all!  Don't you see?"

"I guess I do.  Would you like me to come with you - so he does not feel
threatened?"

"No, I - well, yeah, that may not be a bad idea.  But give us some space
once we - get in.  K?"

"Whatever you want, Little Bro!"


Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock!

"Okay, okay, wait a minute!"  Jake woke up and looked at his clock.  It was
7:15 in the morning.  He looked at his watch, just to confirm that it was
indeed Saturday.  "Good God!  Who is at my door at this time on Saturday
morning?"

Opening the door, he found me and Bobby standing there.

"It's 7:15 on Saturday morning!  Why are you waking me up?  I need my sleep!
  And when I get up I have things I have to do.  Go away!"  He started to
close the door.

I stuck my foot in the door.  "WAIT!  I came over this early so I would NOT
miss you!  Please let us in!"

"I told you-"

"Please?"

*SIGH!*  "Okay, but only for a minute.  What's up?"

We stepped in the door.

"First I need to go take a piss!"  and Bobby excused himself

Jake looked directly, accusingly at me. "Why are you here?"

"Jake, I had a terrible dream last night."

"What?  You came over here-"

"I woke up crying uncontrollably!"  He put his hands on his hips, breathed
out forcefully, and then turned his hands up in a gesture, as if to again
ask why we were here.

"My dream was of your funeral."  I said with pleading eyes.  To this, he
looked visibly shaken.  "I had to come over here and see for myself-"

"That I am still alive?  I am.  Now you have seen.  I actually feel much
better.  Now will you please leave?"

"Jake one more thing."  I said very calmly and demurely.  "Jake, I still
love you as much as ever, and-"

"It's been seven months Colin!  You have to move on!"

"I have been.  I met a very sweet girl-"

"A girl?!"

"- In my English common Law class.  We have been getting very - close.  We-"

"Does she know about me?"

"Not by name, or rather by identity.  She has heard Bobby and I speak of
`Jake', and guessed that's who it was."

"Who is she?"

"Her name is Joy."

"I don't know any Joy.  Boy, that was a mouthful! Good name.  Some of us
need to find some joy in life!"  He said it rather sourly.

"Jake, I need to know.  I want to move on, but - do you still love me?"

"That's a stupid question-"

"Humor me.  Just answer it.  I can accept whatever you say."  I was maybe
lying a little. "The truth!"

He looked down at the floor.  "I - I don't have much feeling for you any
more-"

"Jake.  Look me in the eyes and repeat that."

He looked straight in my eyes.  "I don't - have - much - Oh GOD, why are you
doing this to me?"  He said agonizingly.

"I knew it.  I knew you still loved me.  Joy and I are talking marriage -
and kids."

"Go for it.  I'll never be able to.  Of course I still love you.  Staying
away has been the hardest thing I've ever done!  Make me a godfather.  Name
a kid after me.  I am happy you found someone."  He sounded so bitter!

"It's ONLY been seven months, Jakey."  My tone turned very sweet and very
matter of fact.  "You know I tested negative for the virus.  But - it could
still be in the incubation stage."

"I know.  Does she also know this?"

"Yes."

"She must be quite the dog, if she is still hanging on."  He said
sarcastically.

"That wasn't necessary, Jake!"  I said it bitterly, then immediately
softened again.  "Jakey, I love you.  AND I love her!  I have to wait for at
least a year to make that commitment.  I just feel so much better knowing
you still feel the same about me."

"I didn't say I still felt the same-"

"Well, do you?"

Looking at the floor, he whispered, "Yes."

"Jakey, I want you to-  know - I will always love you.  I can love her
without stopping loving you!"

"Really?  You think you can!?"

"I know it."  I then stepped closer to him.  We were still standing at the
door, and he backed into it.  I stepped to him, and encircled him in my
arms.  He resisted, but he was still weak.  I pulled him in close, and
buried my face in his neck."  He let an involuntary sob escape.  "At least
you don't have any of those sores."

"The doctor says I probably won't. The new medication - it pretty much
assures me a relatively normal life - as long as I keep taking it."

"That's good news.  GREAT news!  I am so happy about that."

"You can invite me to the wedding."

"I'm gonna do better than that.  I will bring her over her to meet you."

"No.  I can't  - I couldn't - It would be too embarrassing for me - too
humiliating."

"She's not like that.  You would feel completely at ease and comfortable
with it."

"Just give me some time, K?"

"About a week?"  I said, only half in jest.

"Don't call me.  I'll call you!"

"I'll call you.  But I won't bring her unless you say it's okay."

"Where'd Bobby go?"

"He's probably eavesdropping from the bathroom.  Bobby, it's okay to come
out now!"

Jake opened the door.  "Now get the hell out of here, so I can get back to
sleep!  Did it occur to you that I might have dreams, too?"

"I love you!"  I said, and kissed him on the cheek.  Bobby preceded me out
the door.

He closed the door, but I heard him say, just before it was closed, "Me
too."

Notes:

God!  I cried like a baby as I proof read the beginning of that chapter -
and I KNEW what was coming!  Well, I AM a baby!  I wonder how long I should
wait to post the next part.  It is very tempting to draw it out as long as I
can, because I'm pretty lonely, and I love all your letters!  Please write
and tell me how hard YOU cried.  Just be sure to put "Colin" in the subject
line: s4d@hotmail.com

Thanks.

Love, Steve