Date: Sun, 4 Jun 2006 16:25:55 -0700 (PDT)
From: John Gerald <connectwriter@yahoo.com>
Subject: Connections 5

Over the next week, Brad had noticed a change in Mike.  While initially
still friendly, he had definitely become more distant.  There was a
dramatic falloff in their get-togethers and the duration of their phone
conversations, and Brad was getting nervous. And confused.  And hurt.  He
still didn't feel comfortable talking directly to Mike about the incident
and what he suspected this sudden change was about.  There were too many
unknowns, and he could say the wrong thing and make the situation worse.
But knew he could talk to Julie, if she'd open up.

Mike was supervising the woodshop on Saturday morning, so Brad arranged to
meet Julie at Captain Baillie's.  The run-down atmosphere made it a perfect
reflection of his mood, in spite of it being relatively nice day outside
for the Midwest in March,

Julie had arrived earlier, and waved to Brad as he came in.  She noticed
that he looked very somber, in a way that she had not seen him before.
She'd only been around him with Mike, and he always seemed on top of the
world.

"Hi Julie. Thanks for meeting up with me here, especially with kind of
short notice."

"No problem, Brad.  It's good to see you.  By the way, are you going to
order anything?"

"Oh, yeah...um...I'll just get a bottled water right now. Just a sec."

Brad went up to the counter to get his water, opening it up on his way back
to the table.  Sitting down, he put his bottle on the table and just stared
at it.

Jules was even more concerned now than when she got this invitation from
Brad.  He said that he needed to talk to her about something, but wouldn't
tell her what it was about.

"Brad, are you OK?  What's the matter, guy?  Is it something between you
and Mike?"  She was a little uneasy asking this, as they weren't an
official "couple" yet. In fact Mike wasn't even out to Brad at this
point. But it was so obvious to Julie that she couldn't feign ignorance
very convincingly any longer.

Brad exhaled.  "Well, yea, it is.  I hope that I don't say something stupid
or presumptuous, but I've got something on my mind and it's really driving
me crazy.  I'm going to be really honest with you, and it's hard, but here
goes."

He exhaled again, but started his story obliquely.  "Julie, I met a guy a
few months ago.  It was at a company Holiday Party, and he did the bravest
thing for a friend that I've ever seen.  Well, I ran into the guy a few
days later, and we began to spend time together."

"As the last few months have passed, I've gotten to know him better.  He's
kind and gentle and a wonderful person, but also tough and strong and
loyal, the best kind of friend someone could have."  Brad gave a smile, the
first one that Julie had seen since he arrived.

"He knows I'm gay, and as I came out to him, well, outed is probably a
better description," he said with a chuckle, "I told him that I just wanted
to be friends, which I did.  I didn't want him to feel threatened, or maybe
just didn't want him to reject me, but I did want him to know that my
intentions were platonic.  And they were at the time, or at least I told
myself that.  To my great relief, he didn't give a damn about me being gay
and told me what a good friend he thought I was."

"We continued to spend time together, and as I got to know him I liked him
more and more.  But I had told him we were just friends. And I tried to
live by that.  But Julie, I've tried as hard as I could, and I didn't want
it to happen.  But I can't deny it.  I've fallen in love with him.  With
Mike."

"I think about him all the time and, this will sound stupid, but I'm
planning my whole future with him.  Imagine, I'm building my future around
this guy and I'm not even sure of how he feels about me, or if he's even
gay, though I'm pretty sure he is.  God, Julie, I'm crazy about him.  No
one has even come close to doing this to me before."

"My family has basically disowned my for being gay, and I have to say that
in a way Mike has become my family, and you, too.  I feel great when I'm
with him, but now some pretty bad stuff is happening."  He returned to his
solemn mood, and Julie reached across the table and held his hand.

"What's going on now, Brad?  Tell me."

Brad told here what happened in the Architecture building.  When he got to
the part about the strobe he chocked up, but continued. "He was frozen
staring at the strobe light for the fire alarm, Julie.  And it wasn't just
a momentary absentmindedness.  He was only barely conscious. I know what I
saw and I know what I'm talking about because my neighbor did this, and a
lot worse.  I think that Mike has epilepsy, Julie.  And I think he's afraid
to tell me."

He continued, slowly.  "I let on that I didn't know what had happened, and
joked around that he had only zoned out.  He was a bit groggy and
disoriented for a few minutes after that, and it took him a while to
completely recover.  I worked very carefully with him, making up a story
that it was me who was tired and wanted to relax for a minute.  But I know
what I saw."

"Well, since that evening he has withdrawn from me.  It started slowly, but
now we don't see each other much and we hardly talk when I call.  And he
doesn't call me at all any more.  Then last night..." He started to get
choked up again.

"Brad, have a drink, OK?  She said as she handed him his bottle.

"Thanks."  He took a brief sip, more a break from his talking than an
actual drink.

"Don't mention it. Please, go on."

`Then last night, he said that maybe we should cool our friendship.  That
he was getting really busy with his architecture project, and then went off
on how he was going to be a lot more of a drain on me as a friend than he
was worth, that I would grow to dislike him as I got to know him better.
He said he was doing me a favor and that I'd thank him later."

"I tried to talk to him, without coming on too strong.  I told him that I
couldn't imagine him being a drain I me, that I really enjoyed his company,
etc.  But he refused to discuss it, and eventually hung up on me."

"I could tell that he was upset, and I think that I know why, and I'll tell
you he's goddam wrong" Brad slammed his fist on the table.  Julie saw some
of the people at a nearby table notice Brad's anger.

"Julie" he said, with a look of quiet determination on his face. "I think
he's trying to protect me form his illness by sabotaging our relationship.
I think that it tears him up to do it, but he thinks it's best for me."

"He's never told me he's gay, Julie, but my gaydar says that he absolutely
is, and I'd wager that he feels the same about me, or at least I would have
up until that last conversation."

"I also think that at some level maybe he thinks that I'll reject him, so
he tries to torpedo the relationship first.  I wish I know how to tell him
that this could never happen.  I care about him too much to ever let him
go."

"I know what this disease can do. It can be awful.  And I don't look
forward to it.  But I'll tell you Julie, I'd rather face anything than be
without Mike.  He's everything to me.  Like I said, he's become my family.
I love him so much, and I want to help him face this thing.  But he's
cutting me out...... "For the first time, Julie notice that Brad was blinking
rapidly, try to hold back tears.

She grabbed both his hands. She noticed all the veins in them and how tough
they were.  These were definitely a guy's hands.  Large, deep veins, tough.
She just rolled them in her hands for a moment.

"Brad."

"Yea?" he said between sniffles."

"It's not my place to say this because this is all really between you and
Mike."  Now she was the one who took in a deep breath.  "But there are a
few things that I can say."  She said as she looked into his face, seeing
the immense weight of despair in his big brown eyes.

"Brad, he really does care about you.  A lot.  And he does have epilepsy.
As far as I know, he had mild seizures when he was in high school, though I
don't know how far back they go."

"He had one during his Senior year where he faded out and collapsed in
front of some people, including a guy who was his best friend.  I think in
retrospect that he had a crush on that guy, too.  Anyway, except for a
couple of friends, basically Andy and Jeff, who you met bowling, people
treated him like he was crazy or mad."

"It didn't help that it was an all-boys school, either.  Every one tries to
out-macho each other there, a little Lord-of-the-Flies style, and there
isn't much sympathy for someone being different, or frankly, ill.  His best
friend Phil wasn't the worst, but was unsympathetic enough that it crushed
Mike."

"That's where you have to reassure him, Brad.  He's the strongest person I
know, but in this one area he is completely vulnerable to being hurt real
bad.  You have to get inside his head and let him know what he means to you
and that the epilepsy doesn't matter."

Brad was slowly recovering his composure.  "There's nothing that I feel
stronger about than that guy, Julie.  I just have to get him to listen to
me, if he will"

"I know that Brad, and I think he feels the same way too."

"Thanks, Julie.  One of the things I like about Mike is his quality
friends. And you're his best one."

They chatted a while longer and Julie gave him all the encouragement she
could, but had take off to meet Roger. She did leave him with one more
thought as she was pulling here things together.

"Brad, I don't know if you know this, but I understand exactly how you
could feel this way about Mike. I know how easy it is fall in love with
him.  It happened to me once, too."  Brad almost knew that before she said
it, thinking back to the first time he saw them dancing.

Before they left, they gave each other a big hug, Julie pulling him down to
kiss him on the cheek.

"Say hi to Roger for me.  He's a lucky guy."

"Thanks, Brad, and please remind him of that as often as you like," she
replied, laughing.  "And say hi to Mike for me.  He's a lucky guy, too."
She said as she walked out the door to a darkening Midwest March afternoon.

        ***

Brad knew that Mike's shift in the woodshop ended at 3:00, so he would
probably get home around 3:30 or so, if he didn't go to the studio first.
Brad took a chance and got their about quarter to 4, and saw Mikes'
motorcycle parked out front.

He went around back and up the stairs to the entrance of Mikes' attic
apartment.  It was small and had sloped ceilings in most of the rooms, but
very cozy and the price was right.  The weather was still nice out, but the
sun had set a while ago.

Brad knocked.  No answer.

He knocked again, and Mike came to the door, moving the curtain out of the
way to see who was outside, then opening it just a crack.

"Brad, thanks for stopping over, but I can't talk right now....  I'm real
busy....I'm sorry."  He was going to shut it when Brad put his foot in the
gap and then pushed his way into the kitchen against only token resistance
from the other side.

"We need to talk, Mike, please," Brad said as he came through the door.
Mike looked terrible.  His clothes were rumpled and dirty and his eyes were
swollen as if he had been crying.  HIs voice was clearly strained.

"Brad, I think ....." He could barely get the words out.  "I....still think
it's best that we do as I was talking about the other day.  I know if might
be hard, but-"

Brad cut him off.  Though he was hurt and upset, he knew that he had to
handle this carefully as Mike was clearly in even worse shape.

"Mike-" he said as he looked into his eyes.

"You know you shouldn't try to-."  Mike wanly pleaded again as Brad cut him
off one more time.

"Mike... I know there is a lot happening right now, but I need to say some
things. Will you please listen to me?"  He said this directly and to the
point.  "Then you can do what you think is right for yourself and for us.
Is that OK?"

"Uh huh," Mike mumbled.  Trying to sever their friendship had taken a huge
toll on him emotionally.  He was drained at this point, and although he
couldn't have said it at the time, was anxious for Brad to reach out to
him."

He moved directly in front of Mike, facing him straight on as they stood
next to the peeling formica countertop. "When you first found out that I
was gay, I made sure to tell you that we were just friends, but only that.
I wasn't sure about your feelings, or if you were even gay, but whatever
you were I didn't want you to feel threatened by me or unsure of my
intentions.  And you made me feel great by your reaction -- that it didn't
matter, and that you would stick by me no matter what."

"Well, Mike I tried. I tried as hard as I could to live by that.  I didn't
want to violate your trust and I didn't know how you felt, and, God, I was
afraid. I didn't want to get attracted to you. I didn't know what would
happen to me."  Brad's voice was getting a little shaky, but he knew he had
to hold himself together for both their sakes.

"But I did, Mike.  I've fallen in love with you.  How could I not -- you're
smart and cute and all those things, but there was really something else.
It was just who you are. You're kind and gentle, and always know the right
thing to say when I'm a little down, but you're also tough and strong,
especially with all you've been through."

"What does it mean that I love you, Mike?  It means I want to hold you and
take care of you, make your life happy.  It means that I want to make love
to you. It means I want to share a life, to be part of one family, and to
take the good and the bad. No matter what happens, Mike.  No matter what."

"And if I'm not mistaken, I think you share my feelings, too.  I don't care
what the label is, gay or whatever, but I really think that you care about
me in the same way.  It's not how you act or look `gay', but in your
kindness and caring toward me.  I feel it all the time, even now."  He
looked at Mike, who squinted his eyes, trying to get the bottled up
emotions to come out.

Brad then took a deep breath and got to the most difficult part.  He was
getting an intense pain in his stomach, but knew that he had to go on.  He
gave it everything that he had left.

"Mike, last week, I joked around that you had zoned out when that fire
alarm went off, but I know what really happened to you.  I knew it then.
You had a mild seizure. I think that you're afraid to tell me, but I know
that you've got epilepsy.  I grew up with someone who had it real bad, so I
know what it is and I know what it means."

As Brad said this, he noticed that Mike raised his head, letting out a soft
groan that he barely heard but felt like it shook the room.

"I want you to know that I understand what is ahead if we're together.  It
means that sometimes it's going to be really hard.  There might be piss and
shit and blood and anger and frustration.  I understand that and to be
honest, it scares the hell out of me, for both of us."

"But you know what?  I'd rather go through hell ten times than be without
you in my life.  God, I love you so much it hurts.  I think of you all the
time, and the future we could have together.  Mike, please, don't cut me
off.  You're my family.  You're everything to me...."  He paused to catch
his breath.

"I know this disease will be tough, but I want to face it with you.  We'll
do this together."  .  Mike looked up desperately at him.  "Brad, do you
know what you're saying? God, I'm afraid, I...I...," He was stuttering he
was so upset, barely able to get the words out. "Do you know how hard this
is going to be sometimes?  I don't know what my future is, if I'll get
worse, or how I'll handle it.  I could get real bad."

"I was so scared of falling for you.  The thought of being rejected
again....I thought I could catch myself before I was in too deep....but I
couldn't."  The tears were starting to stream down his face.

"It's been ripping me apart...and you know what, Brad?  I was afraid that
you might reject me, but even more afraid that you wouldn't.  And in my
heart-of-hearts, I knew you wouldn't.  That night I got slugged, everyone
ran away but you.  You stood up for me, and you risked a lot.  That's the
kind of guy you are."

"But why would I allow the person I care the most about in the world to go
through this hell with me?"  He said, barely able to get the words
out. "What if I hit you during a seizure? What if I hurt you?"

"Mike?"

"Yes?" he whimpered back, as he used the back of his sleeve to wipe his
eyes.

"I need to ask you something."  Seeing Mike like this was making him even
more frantic, knowing his condition and what could happen. But he knew they
would have this out.  It was a battle that they had to have sooner or
later.

Mike closed his eyes, then opened them wide but couldn't look at Brad.  "I
know what your going to ask, but please don't," he begged him, "You know
the answer.  Brad, please don't do this to yourself.  I could make your
life so hard.  Dammit, I just want you to be happy.  You deserve happiness,
some great guy to take care of you.  Trouble is what you'll get from
me...don't do this to yourself...."

"Do you love me?"  Brad asked, ignoring Mike's pleas

"You know the answer...please don't make me say it...."

"Do you love me?" He repeated forcefully.

With a huge effort, but still shaking, he collected himself and finally
looked straight back at Brad.

"Yes, I think maybe since the moment I first saw you.  And it's just gotten
stronger and stronger.  That's why I can't do this to you.  It would kill
me to hurt you."  Practically yelling and crying at the same time, he could
barely continue to stand up.

Putting his arms on Mike's shoulders and giving him his best crooked smile,
Brad said in a quiet but firm voice, "That's all I wanted to hear, Mike.  I
know we'll never be able to protect each other from everything.  That's
just the way life is.  But as long as we love each other and are together,
we can face anything.  I don't want any other guy in my life, Mike.  I want
you."

Mike just stared blankly at Brad, and then completely fell apart.  It
finally struck him, how much Brad truly cared about him and would be there
for him and that he wouldn't let go. His knees were starting to buckle,
like when Mike first saw him at the party, but Brad was right there to
catch him again.  He was somehow able to get the strength to return the
embrace, laying his head on Brad's shoulder as Brad caressed his back,
pulling him tight against him.

"Brad... I love you so much....so much...." he said as they continued the
embrace.

"If you'll still have me - I'm so sorry about what I've put you through
here.  God, I didn't want to hurt you, but I think I really did...I'm so
sorry....."  He trailed off, while Brad blinked hard to hold back his own
tears.

Brad raised his head up and then moved his hand to wipe the smooth skin of
Mike's cheeks.  "You were just trying to protect me.  I know it was really
painful for you to try to push me away.  Once I got here, I could see it in
your eyes.  You don't owe me any apology at all.  But you do owe me this"

With that he moved his hands up behind Mike's head and pulled their faces
together, placing his warm lips on Mikes, and gave him his first kiss, deep
and long and hard.  They pulled themselves tightly together in a rough,
passionate embrace, holding each other as if their lives depended on it.
For both of them, forever wasn't long enough for this to go on.

Later moving onto the tiny living room and onto the couch, they laid in
each others arms, each of them exhausted physically and emotionally from
the difficult week, but also in the blissful state of their now-in-the-open
affection.

With the sun long gone, Mike finally stirred a bit, leaning up against the
arm of the couch and turning on the cheap garage sale lamp.  It was on a
wooden box that substituted for an end table.  "Brad, I have a question for
you."  As he did this he started to trace his finger around Brad's forearm,
playing with the abundant black hair.

"Yea, babe?"

"Babe...wow, I like the sound of that.....anyway, you know, one small reason
that I was a little bit shy about coming out to you was that, well, since
you already had a lot of experience with guys, I thought that you could
have easily made a play for me, even if you weren't sure I was gay.  So I
thought that maybe I just didn't turn you on enough to make it worth the
effort, that you just liked me as a friend but that maybe I didn't get you
excited.  In fact, that first time we met you barely returned my hug."

Brad started his answer very nonchalantly.  "Well, you know, I didn't want
to rush you, you were different from other guys, at least to me.  But if
you're wondering whether I've been turned on by you physically?  He then
sat up and looked straight at Mike.

"I'll put it this way: I could fill Lake Erie with all the cum I've shot
thinking about you."  As he said this he had on a big stupid grin that Mike
just loved.

"That hug that I barely returned when we first met? Oh my God, I can't
believe you thought that I wasn't attracted to you."  Brad rolled his head
back and hit it with his fists as he laughed and smiled.  "My dick was as
hard as a rock and was scared that I was going to jam it right into you,"

Mike was embarrassed and amused at the same time, silently berating himself
for being so wrong but laughing in spite of it.

Brad continued with another example, reveling in the opportunity to reveal
his formerly secret passions. "Do you remember when we went bowling, when I
wore that provocative short sleeve t-shirt to tease you?

"What do you mean," `to tease me?'  Mike gave Brad a look of confusion.

"Yea, that's right, babe.  I wore that tight wife-beater to bait you, and
you went for it big time."  He said laughing and smiling. "You ask if you
turned me on?  I beat off three times that night.  I just got so hot since
I knew it turned you on, too. I saw your furtive glances at my biceps, you
little sneaky little pervert. But I was really glad that you seemed to like
the show."

"And don't think I didn't notice it when you felt me up with the excuse of
grabbing my arm to come and look at the score sheet.  I tried to give a
little flex when you did that, too.  I hope you noticed."  Brad said with
devilish eyes, the smirking grin appearing once again.

"You fucking shit! Toying with me! Why you fucker...you predator....you
wolf..." Before Brad could defend himself, Mike quickly jumped on top of him
and dug the fingers of his left hand into Brad's stomach, using his right
hand to hold him down.

They were both reduced to hysterical laughter as Brad writhed and squirmed,
futilely trying to curl up and resist Mike's attack.  "This is what happens
to predators like you."  He could barely get the words out he was laughing
so hard while at the same time trying hold Brad down.

"Repeat after me," Mike blurted out between gulped breaths, as he struggled
to keep Brad down, "Mike Kovar is the King of the World!"

"Mike Kovar is.......... a giant penis head!" was Brad's response, knowing
that it would lead to continued torture as they were both practically
convulsed with laughter.

"Say it! King!"

"Fuck you!  No way!"

Even though Brad was the stronger of the two, Mike had such good leverage
on him and Brad was laughing so hard that he couldn't get him off.  After a
few more moments, Brad was ready to throw in the towel,"

"OK, OK, you win! Mike is King!" Brad yelled, then quietly muttered under
his breath, "....of the dickheads."

"What?!" What did you just say?!"

"Nothing!  Nothing!  Please have mercy, O great one!"

"All right, I'll have mercy on you this once, but never again."

 As Mike finally released him Brad grabbed at his stomach, smiling and
laughing, but still in some pain. "Oh, god, my stomach was hurting all
evening, then this.  My jaw, too, from laughing so hard!" He laughed some
more about this surrender, rubbing his jaw at the same time.

As he was doing this, he laid back on the couch, looking straight up at the
ceiling.  Mike got off of Brad and sat next to him, leaning over and
resting his left arm on the backrest of the couch and gazing down at him.
They were both breathing heavily but still smiling and laughing.

Brad suddenly became serious. "You know, Mike, I know it was funny and all,
but I have to tell you that it meant a lot more to me than just getting a
cheap hard-on."

"I was really starting to fall for you and was getting a little desperate
to find out if we could be more than just friends.  Without coming right
out and asking you, it was the only thing I could think of to try to smoke
you out.  It was a real turning point for me."

"It gave me hope."

Then it was Mike's turn.  "Well, wolf," he teased Brad again, "Your friend
Arch did that for me.  I hated to see you so uncomfortable, but I have to
tell you I was floating that night.  I wasn't ready to actually come out to
you yet.  I don't know why, maybe just afraid of what I might hear.  But
that gave me hope"

They spent the next few moments just looking at each other and caressing
each others bodies, until Brad spoke.

"Pup?"

"Pup?" Mike questioned, wondering if Brad had intentionally said that.

"Yea, Pup.  Do you like it?'  He had been waiting a long time to use that
word.

"Hmmmm...........  yea, I do.  Coming from you wolfie, a lot."  With this
he gave him another big smile.  The wolfie nickname was a little too cute
to last, but now it felt just right.

A few minutes later Brad sat up and put his hands on Mikes face again,
stroking his cheeks and smiling at him.  "How much sleep did you get last
night?"

"Uh, not much.  Actually, none at all. And not much the night before,
either.  You?'

"Same.  But as you know, you really need your sleep.  I've been looking up
a lot of information about epilepsy and staying healthy.  It's my job to
take care of you now," he said as he continued to stroke Mike's face.  "And
you're definitely overdue for sleep.  I won't try to bug you about this
stuff, but I really want to do my best to help you stay healthy."

"Even though right now I'd rather play with you, big time."  Health was
just holding lust at bay.  Barely.

Mike also wanted to stay up, too.  He was so hungry for Brad's body after
lusting after him for all this time.  But he knew that he really needed to
sleep. He was moved, but not surprised, that Brad had such concern that he
was already trying to learn about his condition, even before tonight.  And,
if truth be told, he really was exhausted, both from the lack of sleep and
the tension of the last few days.

"Thanks.  I like it that you care, and you need some sleep too, guy.  My
bed is only a twin, but I'll get some blankets for the couch.  Will you be
OK there?  If you aren't we'll trade and I'll go on the couch, no problem."

"It's your home, now," he said, giving Brad another one of his signature
punches, which put a big smile on Brad's face.

"Tomorrow is fun time pup, and I can't wait.  But before we get into the
hot and heavy stuff, I want you to know nothing unsafe, at least until I
get tested.  I've never had unsafe sex, but want to make absolutely sure
that I don't have anything to give you.  I haven't had sex with anyone in a
couple months, not since I met you, so I'll get tested as soon as possible.
No choice there, guy, sorry."

Mike just gave him another big hug in return.  "I'll go with you if you
want.  Just let me know."  He wasn't so concerned with Brad giving him
something as he was about Brad being OK himself.

Settling him in for the night was the last task that Mike had to do, and he
relished the opportunity to pamper him as much as possible after the
difficult times that they had been through. Before leaving, he pulled the
covers up around his guy and sat on the edge of the cushion.  Leaning over
and putting his hand on the back of the couch, he had one more thing to
say.

"I just want to tell you how brave I thought you were coming over here
tonight.  You put your heart out there, and we wouldn't be here now if it
wasn't for you. I'll always remember that."

"Thanks, but it wasn't bravery.  Honestly, it wasn't," Brad said as he
reached up and again put his hand on Mike's cheeks, gently stroking with
his thumbs.  "I was so scared of losing you.  I didn't even feel like I had
a choice."

And for the first time that evening, Mike saw a tear escape his eye.