Date: Mon, 25 Aug 2003 21:40:18 -0400
From: CountryBear <CountryBear@lightofspirit.com>
Subject: Dealing with Life:  Chapter 1

All of the characters in this story are completely fictional.  Please send
all constructive feedback to countrybear@lightofspirit.com.  This is my
first attempt at this sort of fiction.  I hope you like it.

Dealing with Life:  Chapter 1
By Wes Cloven

------

Stephan sat staring at the monitor.  He started out trying to do some
research on Homer for his English essay due in two weeks, but his thoughts
took him on a dark tangent.  He sat staring at the same page for over two
hours now.

Stephan kept telling himself that he felt nothing.  It was like the world
around him was made with dull shades of gray, nothing provoking emotion.
Emotions only get in the way.

"Emotions can only hurt and make me want to die," he thought to himself.
"I can get rid of every emotion, until I feel like an empty well.  But why
do I sit here trying to hold back the tears, feeling only anger and hate?"

"Please God, why can't you make me normal?  I never asked to be this way!
I just want to be normal!"  The tears he had been holding back for so long
could not be held back any longer.  They started flowing down his face
while he wiped at them furiously with his fists.  His anger took that
moment to break loose and he slammed his fist down on his keyboard.

The clicking sounds from his speakers that continued after he moved his
hand away from the keyboard distracted him from his misery to another
problem.

"Fuck!" he screamed.  "Like I can afford a new keyboard!  Way to go Steph!
Time to get control of yourself!"

Feeling an overwhelming urge to get out and go for a walk, he went to the
bathroom to rinse his face off.  After deciding he no longer looked like he
had been crying he grabbed his jacket and stepped through the door into a
cool fall evening.

The wind would occasionally pick up, rustling the dead leaves on the ground
and causing more to fall from the trees above.  Stephan let his mind drift
with the leaves, the cloudy evening fitting his mood perfectly.  With the
sound of the wind through the trees, the leaves blowing across the ground,
and the overcast sky, he could forget his anger and hate for the moment and
go back to just existing in the moment.  He returned to his empty shell,
not thinking or feeling, just being.

Eventually he made it to the campus computer store and bought a new
keyboard just before they closed.  By the time he returned back to his dorm
room, he had his emotions firmly under control.  As he walked into the
room, he saw his roommate, Sean, putting away his clothes.  He had
obviously just returned from washing them.

"Hey Steph.  What happened to your computer?  It was making all kinds of
noise when I came in.  I hope you don't mind I shut it down.  It was about
to drive me crazy!"

"Yeah, sorry about that.  I accidentally dropped my English book on it and
I guess some keys got stuck or something.  I was so pissed I just had to
get out for a bit.  I should have shut it down."

"No sweat, dude" Sean said as he continued putting his clothes away.

Stephan got to work replacing his keyboard.

"Hey, some friends of mine are having a party tonight.  You should come.
You really need to get out and meet people.  There are going to be a lot of
very hot looking women, including Melanie.  You know she has been asking me
about you every since she learned we are roommates.  If I was you, I would
be all over that!"

Stephan sighed to himself.  Why do people always try to be matchmakers?  As
if life wasn't difficult enough as it was.  Melanie seemed to be a very
nice, intelligent girl.  She always sat next to him in his History class.
He always tried to be friendly with her and really found her interesting,
but was not interested in any kind of a relationship.  Every time he got
involved with a girl, trying to be "normal," he always ended up hurting
her.  The last time that happened he vowed he would not let it happen
again.  So he kept dodging her hints to go on a date.

"I really want to get this English paper done.  I still have a lot of
research left, and thanks to the broken keyboard I have not been able to do
anything this afternoon."

Sean looked at him critically, shaking his head.  "I don't get you dude.  I
mean you can't tell me you are so far behind that you can't even take off a
few hours on a Saturday evening!  Sacrificing your social life can't be too
healthy.  Besides, it will loosen you up a bit.  Help you relax so you can
be twice as productive tomorrow!"

"Sorry Sean, but if I am going to be in debt up to my eyebrows when I
graduate, I at least want to get as much for my money as I can."

"Ok dude.  It's your life, but if I studied as much as you do I would go
insane!  I have to have some kind of relief!  Well, I am going to take a
quick shower and head out.  I said I would be there in 30 minutes an hour
ago."

Sean grabbed a towel and headed to the bathroom while Stephan booted up the
computer.  Stephan started searching the Internet for more information on
Homer, trying not to think about Sean.  After a while Sean stepped out of
the bathroom wearing only a towel.

Stephan felt his pulse quicken as he forced himself to stare at the web
page he had up and not to look at Sean.  This was the hardest part about
rooming with Sean.  His blonde hair, blue eyed, tanned surfer look was
slowly driving Stephan crazy.  It didn't help that Sean had no modesty
whatsoever.  He had no problem striping down and changing in front of
Stephan.

Stephan did not have any siblings, so had always had his room as a refuge
to run away from his feelings.  Now in the middle of his first semester at
college, sharing a room with someone as good looking as Sean, he had
nowhere to run.  Something was going to have to give soon.

Sean quickly got dressed and said goodbye as he was heading out the door.
It was a few minutes before Stephan could regain control and force himself
to focus on his project once again.

(To be continued...)