Date: Sun, 16 May 2004 11:22:48 +0800
From: zh
Subject: Don't Say You Ever Loved Me

This story is about my first love in college, which happened about one year
ago.

WARNING: It contains gay male sex and if you should not be reading such
story or you are under the age 18, please leave now.

			Don't Say You Ever Loved Me

Chapter One

It was all the same, pillows waving their curvy arms in the breeze of the
warm and cozy spring, the small pond reincarnated with life after a long
dead winter. Once in a while, one student or two could be seen reading or
writing under the trees or soaking up the sun. And here I was again,
following my intuition, only to find myself sitting at my favorite bench
which was just like a pew in a nearby church outside my university.
However, one thing was quite different-I was alone this time, without him.

I couldn't help but wonder: why humans are so emotional that something to
us seems to be unforgettable forever. Or it was just because I was just a
rare breed? Now my mind was all messed up, though I had tried a thousand
times to let it go. But I knew, by and larger, it would never get faded in
my mind...

That was just one exact year away from today.

Since I was a senior high, I had been aware that I loved boys, not girls
who I was supposed to fall in love by "nature" and "decent" rules. With my
perfect grades in College Entrance Exam in 2001, I got enrolled in one of
the most prestigious universities in China, the University of Science and
Technology of China. To tell the truth, I was the not the scientist type,
who were usually comfortable with staying in the lab doing research all day
long, and I guess I would never be in the future.

However, I had made rule for myself just before I entered USTC, that I
would never expose myself as a fruit unless I met someone special. The rule
worked out okay in my freshman year and nobody even noticed anything wrong
with me. Though the camouflage went smoothly due to my extra discreetness,
I did have a very lonely year. I was a happy kid in everyone else's eyes,
but I just couldn't fool my heart. I know what I need desperately-someone
who I love and loves me.

I survived the first year alive anyway, and the stark reality even devoured
my lonely heart more after the beginning of the sophomore semester in the
fall. Every time when I saw some good-looking guy in the campus, I couldn't
help staring for one second or two, most of the time just a quick glance I
gathered, and then quickly shifted my focus on to something else to make
sure I looked normal. (God, tell me what should I do? God says: be patient
and wait.)

My Mr. Right finally showed up the last-half semester. Despite the fact
that I had been trapped in the dull place for one year and a half, I didn't
lost the ability to indulge myself for some sort of computer game
thought. I loved to play the game StarCraft by Blizzard and usually, I
would go into a net bar nearby to play. But every time, I would notice I
was not alone. He usually sat in a fixed location, actually a quite dark
corner, playing the same game. What even surprised me was that he was the
guy right from my next-door dorm. His name was YC, possessing a
well-defined physique and played football a lot, as far as I knew. He was
the one with very little words, which was the reason why he didn't get my
attention in the past one and a half years.

I came over sitting beside him and cleared my throat to make him aware that
someone he definitely knew was around. He looked up at me in surprise,
slowly and unnaturally, only one word coming making me a little bit
embarrassed, "you?" I had to admit that I never expected his reaction to my
sudden appearance.

"Yea, me, am I not supposed to be here?" I grinned awkwardly.

"Of course not. I just didn't realize that you would be here this late. I
think you sleep very early at night." He said with a wry smile on his
handsome face.

"Oh, I will break my curfew today."

"Uh-ha, see. So you play any games here?" He asked.

"Well, sort of, I gather."

"What is that?"

"Starcraft an stuff."

"Dude, I never knew you had the same taste as me." He was obvious a little
excited and his voice sounds somehow in disbelief.

"You are so paying me for the net fees this time for having a comrade." I
chuckled and had a sense of embarrassment for I didn't realize I had used
the pun "comrade" which also means "homosexual" in Chinese.

"No prob!" To my surprise, he should have wrinkled back.

"You know what? I am definitely somebody on the game. I guess we should
just have a fight here and see who's the bitch, haha!" I furthered the
topic.

"I am always ready!" He shrugged.

That night, it was the first time I felt refreshed and excited after having
lost a game. I thought to myself that night: why I felt like this? Does
this mean I like him or it is just a wrong feeling due to the long
depression time?


(to be continued)