Date: Mon, 06 Jan 2003 03:49:03 -0600
From: Chris Hawthorn <chris_hawthorn@hotmail.com>
Subject: Eulogy for Austin

All of this is true, not that that matters particularly, but it is. Most of
what is described in this story occurred to me when I was 18. I'm 21 now,
and my name is Chris, by the way.

First, something about me, because I do love talking about myself, and
perhaps, because it will set the stage for the story.

I'm about 5'11", half-Hispanic, 150 lbs. Half-breeds usually have good
genes, and I do for the most part - except that I look like my father, who
is not particularly attractive - my mouth is a bit too small perhaps, cheek
bones aren't pronounced enough. I shaved my head when I was 16 and liked
the effect, so I've kept it shaved - well, not shaved, but cut very, very
short. When I could grow facial hair, I found that a slight shading from
stubble could help my face some. I actually look pretty good now - and I
work out a lot ... unlike my face, I can sculpt my body - not too muscular,
not too lean. Am I not vain? :)

I am also brilliant - I went to college when I was 11 and graduated when I
was 16 with a B.S. in Mathematics. So that means I went to the 5th grade -
and completed it, by the way - and then left school and started
college. Everyone always asks how that's possible.  Actually, its really
not that hard - if you score well on the SAT, most places don't care about
high-school diplomas. I just did it, OK? -- it's even hard for me to
believe sometimes. I'm almost finished with my Ph.D. now, by the way - I
could have been finished faster I guess, but why?

But so what? I'm also a near sociopath - I feel almost nothing - or, more
accurately, almost nothing external to me makes me feel anything in
particular. So I usually choose to feel happy, simply because its less
trouble. I can make people laugh pretty easily - so the people who know me
would say that I'm pretty funny and happy. And I guess I am, but I also
hate this life - I'm bored and lonely basically - I've explored the
knowledge of all mankind already in my lifetime and I'm still empty - I've
explored the religions of the world, and I'm still empty. I'm a Christian,
by the way - I believe in a creator, simply because I know physics and have
concluded that evolution is impossible, hence demanding a creator ... and I
like Christianity.  I'm also gay - which is wrong by my beliefs, and I hate
being gay (which I guess a lot of people do). So until this episode when I
was 18, I didn't do anything gay - I wasn't in a physical relationship, I
didn't jack-off to gay fantasies, etc.

But when I was 18 I was finishing up my master's degree, and my boredom and
loneliness seemed so unbearable that I decided to kill myself (I'm still
going to kill myself, by the way) - and because of that, it seemed
irresistible to do a few things before I died.  One of those things, and
the thing perhaps of particular interest to the readers of nifty.org, is
that I decided to make love to a guy -- so I began searching.

When I was about 16 I began playing ultimate frisbee with a church-based
college group, which I really enjoyed. About a year after I began playing
with this group, an interesting thing occurred: Austin, I guy I knew way
back when I was in grade school started playing with us. Austin wasn't in
college, but was my age - in fact, we were born exactly a month apart. We
had been sort of friends back in grade school -- and I had kept up with him
through the years when I had remembered to. I really missed him actually --
we had been pretty good friends, but when I left grade-school for college,
our worlds had just been too different (or maybe I was just too immature)
and we just drifted apart.

You might be surprised that I recognized him after all these years, but
actually it hadn't been that long since I'd seen him last. Austin played
tennis, and a few years previously had won some awards and had his picture
in the paper. I had clipped out the picture and kept it -- and the Austin I
saw that day at Frisbee looked very much like that picture.

Actually, this aged Austin fascinated me - it was just so interesting to
see what I could have become, if you know what I mean. He was only one
month younger than me -- but so much more innocent and naive ...
beautifully so. Regardless, I hadn't had any friends my age in all the time
since I left grade school, and getting to know him (again) absolutely
delighted me.

I loved him intensely - not even sexually at first, although he was
beautiful, and I suppose that that must have had some impact on my
feelings, but honestly, I genuinely enjoyed him. On the topic of his
appearance though, he was very, very attractive. He was almost exactly my
size, weight, etc. except that he was blond-haired and blue-eyed. I liked
to think that he was a counterpoint to me (I who was dark-haired, tanned
... dark basically, dark supposed to suggest evil) -- he was also fairly
muscular, although I don't think he worked on his appearance as
meticulously as I did on mine.

To my delight, when we first met, he recognized me, and was even glad to
see me (I think I want to tell some of this story now with dialogue from
Austin -- and because these events occurred a few years ago, I, of course,
simply don't remember every word that was spoken -- but I'll try to give an
account that appropriately represents what happened):

When I first saw him and recognized him I went over and shook his hand:

"You're Austin right?" I said, although I knew it was him.

"Yeah, how'd you know?" he asked me.

"I don't know if you remember, but I went to elementary school with you ...
Chris?" I said hopefully.

"Chris? Really? No way! Sure I remember you. You went to college really
early right?"

"Eh", I said, doing my best Mojo-the-helper-monkey imitation, "I started
after the 5th grade, remember?"

"Yeah, I do. That was a long time ago, man! How've you been?"

"Pretty good. Really good since I found this frisbee league ... are you
here to play?"

"Yeah, if you guys let me ... the youth-group frisbee team has had trouble
getting enough people to come out to games, so I decided to see if I could
start playing with you guys?"

"Yeah, I'm sure it'll be fine. Come on, I'll introduce you to the guys"

*************************************************************


Anyway, my friendship with Austin soon blossomed -- exploded, actually, I
mean I really, really liked the guy. We started hanging out and playing
video games together -- stuff outside of frisbee, and he was a great
friend. However, I began to notice something.

I am brilliant, as I said, so I can read people well -- and after hanging
around Austin for some time, I detected a definite potential gayness. Not
that he showed it in his voice or actions -- how I HATE flamers by the way
-- actually, I loathe guys that act at all effeminate -- and, to avoid
hypocrisy, I make sure that I look and act and speak very, very 'straight'.
Anyway, Austin acted straight, but I know people and my gaydar was
definitely going off with him.  I saw him not turn and watch when a hot
looking girl walked past, as I do, intentionally. I saw his gaze follow hot
guys as they walked past (this is not as surefire a sign as one might think
-- usually, those hot guys are attached to girls, and he could have been
looking at the girls I suppose, but I suspected differently, and I'm always
right so I went with my suspicions).

Normally, I perhaps would not have had the courage or motivation to press
the issue, but since I was going to die anyway (I had decided to kill
myself, remember), I thought I might as well find out. With this in mind, I
immediately set out to find an opportune time to broach the subject with
him. For weeks nothing came up -- but I was patient.

Finally, one day after frisbee he pulled me aside:

"Hey Chris, you know science and stuff right?" Austin asked me, sweaty and
beautiful.

"Yeah, I suppose, why?" I answered calmly.

"Do you ever tutor people?"

"Yeah, I have."

"Would you maybe have time this week to help me out with my chemistry
homework? I'm in AP chemistry this year and it's kicking my ass."

I was a bit saddened that he thought I didn't know he was in AP chemistry
-- Austin had told me his course schedule several weeks ago at the
beginning of the semester and of course I had remembered it exactly. How I
loved him.

"Sure, I'd love to," I told him, "when's good for you?"

"Any time in the afternoon, but I don't want to interfere with your
classes"

"Please -- don't worry about me, I'd love any excuse to skip class, but how
about you meet me up at the university library this Wednesday after you get
out of school. I'll be in the entryway"

"Sure, that would be great ... if you're sure it won't be any trouble"

"No trouble at all", I told him, "see you Wednesday". Bingo.

**************************************************************************


That Wednesday I dressed in my finest -- nice faded blue jeans and a
jet-black shirt to compliment my eyes. Today was the day I asked Austin if
he was gay. Whew!

Anyway, I started "studying" in the library entryway at 2:00pm -- way
before school let out, but I was going to let nothing interfere with the
meeting and the thought of missing Austin was unbearable. Anyway, I enjoyed
watching people walk past and the time passed quickly. At about 4pm Austin
showed up. School ended at what, 3:15? I didn't know if high-school ended
at 3:15 since I never went to high-school, but guessed that it might, which
would mean he took about 45 minutes to get here, which was average I
supposed. Not too eager, not hesitant, hmmm.

Anyway, I said hi to him and we walked up to the stacks and I took him to a
secluded part of the library that I had carefully chosen for this day. No
one came up here very much and we could study in peace and talk in
privacy. And I did help him study. He was having problems with some simple
chemistry concepts ... I always like helping people with academic stuff,
it's easy for me and it helps them, and in the case of stuff like basic
chemistry, tutoring brings a certain sense of nostalgia. It reminds me of
when I was learning college chemistry for the first time when I was 12 or
whatever. Ah the memories!

After a while the conversation turned to his graduation, moving out,
college, etc., and, seeing a nice segue, took the opportunity to ask him if
he had a girlfriend:

"So Austin, are you dating anyone?" I asked him.

"No, not right now." he said, sort of disinterested. Good sign.

"Haven't found the right person?"

"I don't know, I guess it just hasn't been right yet ... how about you?"

How perfectly ambiguous and promising.

"No, same with me I guess. Grad school takes up a lot of my time."

Silence. No comments about "how lucky I must be to be surrounded my hot
college girls" like I usually received. Great sign. Well, now or never I
decided:

"Austin, are ... are you gay?"

Damn it, I stuttered. Stupid! I had practiced!

When I asked this I was looking directly at him, with a serious expression
on my face, and even though I had stuttered I was collected.

A wealth of expressions flashed across his face. I knew immediately that he
was gay -- in a straight guy the first emotion would have been anger
perhaps, or humor, but I clearly saw fear, perhaps some sadness.

However, Austin was a good pretender and his mask went back up immediately
(not fast enough, thankfully) and he began to smirk.

"No. Come on man, I just don't have a girlfriend. I'm not a smart college
guy like you."

Hmm. Now I became unsure. I hadn't expected such a blatant lie (or was it
...). I was going to kill myself though, so this was not a time for
hesitation or weakness -- confidence my son, the time for elegance has
passed. I gave Austin a look and tried again:

"No, Austin, you don't understand. I'm gay ... surprised? Good! Seriously,
I'm gay - as in I like guys and not girls ... and I'm asking you if you are
gay."

He still looked uncertain, which was a huge flaw in his strategy if he was
trying to look straight -- a straight man would have looked more shocked or
angry or comedic -- not uncertain. I was much more relaxed now ... I was
almost certain I had my answer, Austin just needed a little more coaxing.

"No you're not ..."

"Why would I lie?"

"So you're serious?"

"Yes."

"I don't believe it prove it."

I laughed. "How am I supposed to prove it? Come on ... you know I care
about you ... I swear on our friendship that I'm gay."

Austin didn't say anything -- he just kind of looked down at his books and
slumped forward.

"And I want to know if you're gay", I told him.

He took his time, but eventually, his head came up from the books and he
said, all serious-like, "Yeah, I am."

I laughed again. "Now I don't believe it. Prove it."

That broke the tension ... he chuckled, then he stepped on my foot hard
underneath the table and said "Jerk-ass ... prove it. Hmph".

"You started it." I said, "So, next question - would you be at all
interested in messing around sometime?" Oh how delicate we must be in
English with such questions -- what an awkward language it is for
propositioning people.

"You mean like sexually?"

"Yeah."

"God ... I can't believe this". Austin turned sideways in his chair and
looked off into the stacks of books around us. "This is actually really,
really cool. I've thought you were hot for a long time."

That was unexpected ... I don't think I'm THAT hot, but never look a
gift-horse ... "I thought you were hot in the 5th grade", I told him.

"Why'd you wait so long?"

"Ingrate. When do you want to get together?"

"I don't know ... Mandy (Austin's sister was Mandy, by the way) has a
soccer match out of town this Saturday ... I don't have to go to it, and
everyone won't be back until Sunday morning. How about Saturday evening?"

"Sounds great. See you then, or shall we continue on with Chemistry?"

"Shut up. See you Saturday."

Wow, that turned out better than I expected.

********************************************************************


I remember that Saturday night there was a particularly magnificent sunset.
I remember driving to Austin's house and seeing this nice, warm, two-story
brick building with a landscaped front lawn, framed by this brilliant
sunset and thinking "How pristine and innocent ... if Austin were a house
he would look something like this". I also remember being very excited -- I
had been hard basically non-stop from the moment we planned this evening
several days ago -- my heart was beating really fast, and I remember being
happy since I hadn't been really excited or aroused about anything in a
long time.

I was smiling when Austin answered his doorbell and let me in. He looked
good -- he was wearing his usual preppy clothes, and I wondered if he had
gone to any trouble picking them out, or if he always was just
well-dressed. His hair was a little wet I thought, or perhaps gell --
regardless it had been recently done. Interesting.

"Nervous?" I asked him.

"Come in ... are you nervous?" he asked back.

"Yes ... more excited though", I said and started laughing. I couldn't help
it, I was just so interested in what was about to happen and so glad to be
with Austin. He started laughing a little too and said, "Want to come up to
my room? I'll give you a tour on the way".  So we toured his house briefly
-- very briefly actually, since I think we were both eager to get to his
room.

Our last stop was Austin's room, and it was very interesting. First of all,
his room smelled like Austin, which I liked. Secondly, it had life -- it
was simple -- there were movie posters on the wall, a tennis racket in the
corner, a computer ... difficult to describe, but a sort of messy
simplicity, a high-school student's messy simplicity - which in itself did
not interest me. What delighted me though was that Austin enjoyed these
things -- this simplicity. I reveled in Austin's innocence: how much he did
not know and how much I envied him for his ignorance.

We entered his room, and he shut the door to his room (not that anyone else
was in the house, but I also thought that the door should be shut ... it
just felt more private). Anyway, when he turned around I was looking at
him, and he looked a little uncertain.

"So, what do you want to do?" he asked me, which was awkward and stupid and
I loved him for it.

I knew he was just nervous, so I ignored the question and went over to him
and hugged him and kissed him on the neck. And I was in bliss -- BLISS I
tell you!

I could see and feel the small blond hairs on the back of his neck and
smell him -- he was wearing Old Spice, which I hadn't registered until
now. I was really glad when he responded and held me in return, basically
just hugging me.

He was hard, I could feel that -- the faded jeans he was wearing were
concealing an obvious bulge -- I was glad he was aroused.

Austin pulled his head back until we were face to face and kissed me on the
lips. Now I was a little uncertain about this since I had never kissed
anyone before, but it was amazingly natural -- and I was still smiling, and
I started laughing again after that, and so did he.

We French-kissed then, and I loved the feel of his mouth, his teeth, his
tongue - his taste. I think we just kissed for a long time -- we were still
standing the entire time, but I didn't really care ... I was having too
much fun.

I remember making the next move. His shirt wasn't tucked in, so I just
slipped my hand up underneath his shirt and put my hand on his chest. I
waited to see how he would respond. He didn't really do anything, so I
figured I would continue. I began to run my hand up and down his chest --
and I liked what I felt. I had never seen him with his shirt off (well, a
few times at frisbee, but not for long enough to really study him -- and
would never risk checking out a guy in public anyway), but I could feel his
pecs and his abs -- he was a little ripped, which turned me on. I also
loved the soft peach-fuzz on his chest. I don't have very much chest hair,
but I could tell that in a few years Austin would have some definite chest
hair.

I was delighted when Austin made the next move and started to take off his
shirt -- and the sight of him was so much better than just feeling him. He
also reached for my shirt and I got the hint and took it off.

I remember us just looking at each other for some time -- I was still had a
huge smile on my face and he looked pretty happy too. But we had been
standing for a while, and I guess he was tired of standing (as was I),
because he grabbed my arm and brought me over to his bed. He lay down and I
lay down on top of him, kind of to the side -- still face to face. We
embraced each other and started kissing again. I caressed his back, which
felt really good and muscular -- and he ran his hands up and down my fairly
muscular back as well, and I remember thinking that every second of pain I
had spent in the gym, every crunch, every pull-up was absolutely worth
it. My body was a gift to Austin.

I wanted to move forward though, so I began to undo his pants. I didn't
want to do anything he didn't want to do, so I made sure that he could have
stopped at any time and not been uncomfortable. I took my time undoing his
jeans then slowly stuck my hand in, found out that he was wearing boxers,
and then found his dick -- which was rock hard and wet with pre-cum.

I brushed my hand against his dick for a while, and when he didn't do
anything, I grabbed his shaft just under the head and squeezed hard. I got
a reaction that time -- Austin smiled and kind of tensed and made this cute
little groaning sound deep in his throat.

His jeans really didn't allow me much access to him, but fortunately at
that point he began to take them off -- I followed his lead and shucked my
pants and underwear as well.  While taking off his pants Austin had changed
positions and was now sitting up on the edge of his bed -- so was I,
actually. His penis was standing straight up, shaking with each heartbeat,
and oozing a good deal of pre-cum (as was mine, to be honest). In this
position I had a good view of his dick -- which was a very nice dick. It
was about 6" and cut, like mine, average sized balls I guess, etc -- only
his pubic hair was blond and mine was black, which I thought was pretty
cool.  Overall, nice equipment.

Anyway, Austin reached over and began to stroke my dick, which felt really
nice. It's amazing how different (and good) it feels to have someone else
masturbate you. I chuckled and went back to stroking his chest, especially
his nipples and French kissing him. We did this for a while -- and actually
he was doing a darn good job of getting me off - I guess he was intended to
bring me to climax, but I didn't want to cum just yet.

"I'm going to cum ... and I don't want to yet ... hold on, I want to watch
you jack off", I told him. I know this was kind of a strange request at
this point, but I was so utterly fascinated with Austin -- I had just
always wondered how he jacked off ... and honest question.

He game me this sort of puzzled look but then he grinned and started to
beat himself off. I watched as he thrust his hips with each stroke and as
his face lost itself in the pleasure of it.  While he was doing this I
pushed him back onto the bed and started playing with his balls. When I
masturbate I enjoy pulling slightly on my balls and apparently he did too
since he started that same guttural groaning when I began to touch him
there.

While I was playing with him down there, I noticed that his balls started
to contract and I knew he was close to cumming so I pulled his hand away
from his dick mid-stroke, which no doubt caused him some discomfort -- in
fact, his hips thrust one more time as I pulled his hand away and he gave
me this kind of plaintive look. I laced my fingers with his stroking hand
and told him:

"I want to finish you off ... but I want to give you a BJ, but I don't know
how ... or I haven't done it before at least, so you're going to have to
help me"

"Hmmm ... I GUESS I'll let you", Austin said and smiled before he stretched
himself out full of the bed with a pillow behind his head. I knelt on the
floor at the edge of his bed so as to give myself easy access to his cock
and balls.

Perhaps not surprisingly, when I first decided to have sex with a guy, I
had done research on BJs, anal sex, etc. From this I knew that I was
supposed to cover my teeth with my lips so as not to hurt Austin. During
this time I also had been trying to rid myself of the 'gag reflex' -- but I
had just used fingers, etc., nothing the size of a penis, so I was
interested to see how much my prep-work would pay off.

Apparently if paid off a lot, because when I first went down on him, Austin
almost came off the bed. He thrust his hips hard and sent his dick pretty
far into me -- I could feel myself start to gag but I suppressed it and
continued -- thank god for my pre-sex practice. He also grabbed my head and
began to run his hands over the soft, short hair on the back of my head.

Once I got over the initial shock of having Austin in my mouth, I relaxed
and took as much of him as I could. It actually seemed pretty natural ... I
used my tongue a lot and he really seemed to like that. Soon we settled
into a rhythm of thrusting and sucking. He started laughing at one point --
he still had a great big smile on his face -- "This is fucking AWESOME!" he
whooped, and laughed-- and why not?, no one else was around.

I knew he didn't have much longer when his balls started to tighten up
again, and sure enough almost immediately he said, "Hey, Chris, I'm gonna
cum" -- I suppose to warn me or something.

I responded by sucking him even harder than before and working him over
with my tongue.  Suddenly I felt his dick spasm and heard a cute guttural
"Argh" from Austin.  He grabbed my shoulders, and I saw his abs contract as
he raised his head up off his pillow as he entered the throes of his
orgasm.  He thrust one more time, and I lifted my eyes up to make sure I
could see him at this moment. His eyes were closed as his face contorted
then relaxed as his climax passed. I immediately felt several jets of hot
semen hit the back of my throat. A lot of semen in fact - apparently he
hadn't cum in a while. I didn't suck him then because I was afraid he'd be
too sensitive, so I just swallowed all his jizz and then got off of him,
pleasantly surprised that his cum didn't taste bad.

Austin was breathing hard and was a little flushed when we finished, then
he started laughing and so did I. I lay down beside him and he put his arm
around me. I knew what he was feeling right then -- that post-orgasm
fatigue, and I wondered if we were finished for the time being. Actually I
didn't care, I was happy just to lie here with my arms around him, enjoying
his sight and smell and warmth. I watched his penis get soft, and even soft
his dick was nice.

Suddenly he got up:

"Sorry, its just that that was an AMAZING blow job -- you certainly didn't
need my help. I was just a little winded, now for you", Austin announced,
grinning.

So it was my turn - I lay down as Austin had done moments before.
Appropriately, Austin knelt down at the edge of the bed and went down on
me. It was amazing! I almost had expected him to not shield his teeth or
something, but I guess guys instinctively know that that would hurt, and
there were no teeth. This was my first BJ, and I could only hope that I had
made Austin feel as good as I felt now. I grabbed the back of Austin's head
and began to run my fingers through his hair.  Just like before we got a
rhythm going -- a couple of times it felt so good that I couldn't help
groaning and thrusting -- also laughing, I was so happy.

I was so aroused that I didn't last very long (at least I thought), and not
very long into it I told Austin that I was going to cum (I thought I would
return the favor of notifying him before I jizzed in his mouth).

Just like I did, he just kept on sucking me and I proceeded to have one of
the best orgasms of my life and came in his mouth.

Austin swallowed it all, then climbed in bed on top of me. He started to
kiss me, and I thought that that would be cool, so we Frenched and I could
taste my semen in his mouth.  I didn't taste that bad either.

After that we just lay there in each other's arms -- very spent, at least I
was -- and we fell asleep like that.

***********************************************************************


When we woke up it was dark -- I love the dark, and I loved Austin. We were
still naked and he had his head against my chest. What woke me up was
Austin waking up and shifting around. I sat up and so did Austin -- I
started laughing.

"It's just kind of difficult to believe," I said.

"I know, I had a really good time," Austin replied.

"Wanna take a shower," I asked?

Austin grinned and nodded and followed me into his bathroom. I started the
water and made sure it was at a good temperature. When I finished with that
I noticed that Austin was hard again. I was kind of hard, since I was still
naked with Austin, but seeing him aroused made my dick stiffen.

I went over and kissed him again, then pulled him into the water. I
remember the steam and his body were so nice. We showered first, lathering
each other up in turn and then rinsing off. At one point he was washing his
hair and had his back to me. Since he was still hard, I took the
opportunity to soap up my hand and reach around him and grab his dick.
Austin chuckled and stiffened up but kept rinsing his hair. I started to
jack him off with a very tight soapy grip, paying special attention to the
head of his dick. With my other hand I rubbed his soapy chest. I was
pressed up against him, kissing his neck, my dick resting on his lower
back.  Not very long into this Austin started thrusting hard into my hand
and doing his little grunting noise. I knew he was close so I grabbed him
hard and jacked faster than ever. Soon his entire body convulsed and I felt
his dick jerk in my hand. He shot his load against the shower wall and kind
of rested his head against the shower wall for a while before turning to
me.

He jacked me off then, only we were face to face this time, which made his
grip a little unusual, but I was so aroused that it didn't really matter. I
kissed him all the while, and was still kissing him when I shot my load
onto his chest.

--

After the shower we got dressed and watched a movie on his couch. He was
laying down on the couch, resting on some pillows, and I lay down in front
of him with my head on his chest. I knew I would have to leave eventually,
but I wanted this to go on forever.  Shockingly, time didn't respect my
wishes and the movie ended and it was time for me to leave.

"Austin, when can we do this again?" I asked him.

"Stay and we can do it again right now," Austin taunted.

"Don't tempt me. I've got to go eventually. My parents will get ticked off.
When can I see you again?"

"As soon as possible hopefully. We can't do this when my parents are home."

"No?" I teased him.

"Hmph ... actually, they are going to have dinner with my aunt on Tuesday
-- its her birthday I think -- but I think have to go too."

"Hmmm ... how about this weekend? My parents are gone to a bible study
Sunday night - we wouldn't have a TON of time, but it's better than
nothing."

"Your place, this weekend then? The bible study starts at 7:00, see you at
6:30?"

"Perfect. I love you. See you then." I told him regretfully as I left him.

*************************************************************************

Austin and I enjoyed an amazing few weeks after this incident and had sex a
few more times ... it was fantastic, and I've never felt more whole or
satisfied then when I was with him.

Great ... so the story ends happily? Not so -- perhaps God thought I was
having too much fun, because only weeks after I was first with him Austin
died in an auto accident. As I write this I find it a little strange that I
don't know the details of the death of the love of my life, but I really
don't care -- they (his parents were involved in the accident too, but they
survived) were hit by a truck I think, or hit a truck ... again, who cares,
Austin apparently was thrown from the car and didn't survive. I don't know
what happened to Austin's sister, but I don't think she was in the car at
the time because she wasn't all bruised up at the funeral. I wen't to
Austin's funeral by myself -- his stupid parents were there, very tearful
... I knew him better than they did I bet.

So for the next few years, up until the present, I was -- or, I have been,
rather quiet. Sometimes I'm mad at God for the accident -- it just seems
ridiculously timed. Only days after I first made love to Austin, he dies.

Oddly enough I ended up in College Station, Texas -- finishing up my
Ph.D. at Texas A&M University -- perhaps the worst place on earth for a gay
man (Texas A&M is a very conservative school). I don't act gay so no one
here knows -- and what do I care? Maybe I'll get into another relationship
before I die, or maybe not ... it still won't be Austin.