Date: Fri, 2 Jan 2009 23:17:40 -0400
From: Duncan Ryder <duncanryder@hotmail.com>
Subject: Everybody's Wounded II Part 5

How the Light Gets In
Chapter 5


"I don't know if that's the best idea," his mother said when Luc told his
parents that Scott had found him a roommate.  "You've never met this young
man.  He's quite a bit older than you.  What if you don't get along?"

"We'll get along," Luc told her, smiling the small, calm smile he'd
perfected over the last few weeks.  "He needs a quiet place, and I'm a
quiet person.  He's just going to be my roommate, after all.  And the
condo's large.  There is plenty of privacy for both of us."

But his mother was uneasy.  "I don't know, petit," she said.  "How well
does Scott know him?"

"Not really well," Luc was forced to admit.  "Matthew just arrived on
campus last week.  But Scott knows his brother really well.  So do I."

That was a bit of a stretch, but Luc felt justified; he certainly knew Bran
well enough to say hello, and had spent some time around him with Scott and
Laura.  Bran was a decent guy.  More importantly, he trusted Scott.

"He won't be a total stranger, Maman."

"But it's a – a delicate situation," she said carefully, studying him
with a worried frown.  "We need to be sure he understands..."  Her voice
trailed off.

"He understands, Maman," said Luc simply.  "Scott talked to him.  He says
Matthew has had some problems too, problems that he's resolved.  That's why
he dropped out of school – to work them through."

"But he will need to be comfortable with you being--"

"He will be comfortable," said Luc softly, and to his own surprise, calmly.
"He's gay too, Maman."

The words were out before Luc quite realized it.  For the first time, he
had openly acknowledged his orientation.  He could hardly believe that now,
after all these years, the words had slipped from his lips as... as easy as
that.

His parents knew of course.  Everyone knew.  They'd all tried to talk to
him about it - his parents, his brothers, the series of psychiatrists and
therapists.

But no matter how many times he'd been told the fact that he was gay
changed nothing about their feelings for him, Luc himself had known in his
heart that it changed everything.  Ever since Daniel...

He looked at his father, whose smile was totally accepting.  At his mother,
who looked like she was about to cry – good tears, relieved tears.  Luc
reached out and touched her hand, and wondered why this had been so
impossible for him until now.

Maybe it was because it had been the unspoken elephant in the room for so
many years.  Maybe it was because going back to Nova Scotia meant so much.
Or maybe it was just because, having lost Daniel and Scott, he had nothing
left to lose.

"So?" he asked finally.  "It is settled then?  I want to return on the
weekend."

But his mother turned her hand beneath his and gripped it.

"I still don't know, Luc.  I'm also worried about you moving away just now,
the timing," she said finally.  "Why don't we wait until the end of the
month?  The splint will be off and the surgeons here can check your hand
and set up your rehab--"

"No," said Luc firmly.  "I want to do that there, Maman.  The surgery was
done there."

"Maybe in a couple of weeks--"

Suddenly, he realized exactly what her real concern was.  She was afraid of
the anniversary.  She wanted him here, where they could keep an eye on him,
on the anniversary of Daniel's – of what Daniel had done.

For an instant, he'd felt that familiar rush of panic, but he fought it
back.

 "I know what you're afraid of," he said softly.  "I don't know how to make
you believe it, but you don't have to worry about that.  Not again.  But I
think it will be better for me to be at the university now."

He looked from his mother to his father, and then played his trump card.

 "It would be better for me to be away from here on the 18th," he told
them.  "It's time.  It's past time.  There are just too many memories here.
It makes it harder."

Tears ran down his mother's cheeks, and for once it was his father who
spoke.

"I think perhaps we should have a talk with Scott," he said.  "I'm sure he
can answer all your mother's questions about this young man, and help us
deal with the practical matters."

***

"Joshua!"

The syllables hung in the air, and Josh trembled.

"God, yes," he whispered as, thrilled and humbled and proud, he claimed
Scott's mouth – and his own name.

His kiss and Scott's response to it were so hard, so urgent and hungry,
that he felt he could die of them.  It was as if they were determined to
consume one another's very air.  And finally, finally, when their bodies
were spent and their mouths had stilled, he collapsed across Scott's chest,
literally breathless, barely conscious.

"Joshua," Scott groaned again.

Josh buried his face against Scott's neck and grazed his bruised and tender
lips across the heated skin.  He breathed deeply, flicking his tongue to
savour the sheen of salt on Scott's skin.

Then, for a while, they quieted together, holding close, nuzzling gently.
As the sweat cooled, Scott pulled the duvet up around them, and for a few
precious heartbeats, nothing mattered but the skin to skin reality of this
moment.

But slowly, inevitably, the world reasserted itself, and Josh felt the
worry inch back.  And though he gloried in the tender contact, he could not
quite relax.  Scott had started him on this journey, and now he had to know
it all.

He waited as Scott's heartbeat slowed and his breathing quieted.  Finally,
he could wait no longer.  He took a deep breath, braced himself.

"And then?" he murmured into Scott's neck.

"And then what?" Scott asked, pulling Josh closer in those powerful arms.

"Luc," said Josh softly.  "You said you needed me to know everything."

"That was everything," Scott answered drowsily, rubbing his cheek against
Josh's hair.  "And I'm so sorry.  I know it was wrong.  I knew it then.  I
was sorry even before – before it was over.  I'm not trying to make
excuses, it's just – I don't even know how to explain it to myself.  I
didn't really know what I wanted.  I didn't know what you wanted.  I had
thought, before you and I – well, before – I had thought maybe Luc
and I..."

The explanation trailed out.  Josh waited.

"He just seemed so – so certain," Scott said finally.  "And... I don't
know.  I told Bran I was thinking with my dick."

"You what?"  Josh pulled away, moved to sit up.  That was the first thing
Scott had ever said that truly shocked him.  "You actually told Bran about
– about you and Luc?"

Scott laughed softy and pulled Josh back down into his arms.  "I told Bran
about me and a lot of things," he said.  "He's been my friend, my
confidant, the person I could trust.  Normally, I have my uncles to talk
to, but they're not here, and then Ry's father died.  I was pretty
confused.  About Luc – and about you."

Josh let Scott draw him back down, but he lay stiff, uncertain.  Scott
buried one hand in his hair, and with the other caressed circles against
his shoulder.

"Relax," he said softly, pressing careful, barely-there kisses against
Josh's ear and then trailing them slowly and sweetly down the side of his
neck to his collar bone.  "There were no details, I promise.  Just... just
that I had, and I shouldn't have..."

He grazed Josh's throat gently with his teeth, and despite himself, Josh
trembled.

Scott worked his way back up Josh's neck to his ear.  "Bran was always
telling me not to think with my dick," he said.

Josh laughed in surprise, and finally felt himself start to relax again.
"Smart boy," he said.

Scott nuzzled a little more, then slowly quieted.  Josh settled back down
into the warmth, feeling Scott's arms loosen and Scott's breathing slow
into sleep.  But Josh wasn't sleepy, and when Scott's cell rang on the
bedside table, he reached over and flicked it open without thinking.

"Hello?"

"Scott?  C'est moi.  Mes parents--"

"Luc," said Josh quietly, easing himself carefully from under Scott's arm
and sitting up against the headboard.  "It's Josh."

Nothing.  Then –

"Oh.  Um.  Hello."

An uneasy silence stretched between them.  Josh glanced down at Scott, who
had not stirred.  He debated telling Luc that Scott was asleep but decided
against it.  It could be important, and Scott had enough on his conscience.

"Do you need to speak with Scott now?" he asked softly.


***

Luc's hand, holding the cell, was shaking.  Joshua.  Merde.  His immediate
instinct was to hang up, but he resisted the temptation.

"Oui, if I may," he said, reverting without thinking to the formally
correct English he had learned as a boy.

"Hold on.  I'll get him for you."

Luc heard muffled sounds, and about half a minute later Scott on the line.

"Luc?  Is everything alright?"

Scott's voice sounded a little raw, a little uncertain, and for an instant
Luc found himself picturing that mouth, which could taste at once of
tenderness and hunger.  He pushed the thought away.

"Oui," he said.  "Everything is fine.  It is just that my parents wish to
speak with you.  About-- your friend.  I am sorry, but they have some
questions, some concerns."

He looked across the dining room table at his mother, who gave a little
shrug.

"Don't apologize," said Scott softly.  "It's perfectly reasonable that they
would want to talk to us."

Luc thought his heart was already broken, but somehow there was still a bit
of it left to shatter.

Us.

Not me.

Us.

Us as in Scott and Josh.

Us italicized.

Us underlined.

Us in bold face.

Just to make sure that Luc had absolutely, positively got the message.

He had.  He had!

Because his parents were watching, he managed to suppress the tears that
clawed at the back of this throat.  He forced himself to smile at them.

"Oui," he said again into the phone.  "Here they are then.  A moment
please."

He passed the handset to his mother; his father held a second.

"Go get another," said his mother, but he shook his head.  He didn't need
to participate in the conversation.

"Scott will tell you what you need to know," he said, sitting back in his
chair and smiling the calm smile that seemed to offer them such comfort.

He'd perfected it these last few weeks, that calm smile.  At first, it had
been a mask, a disguise he'd adopted because it seemed to offer comfort to
his parents and to his psychiatrist.  It was this smile that bought him a
little time with his own thoughts.

The funny thing was, that carefully perfected smile had somehow become more
than a disguise.  Somehow, by using it to project calm, he actually seemed
to be able to find a little of it.  It was as if, in order to create that
calm, careful smile, he really had to find inside himself a calm spot, a
still spot.

Maybe, he thought, the psychology experiments were right.  Maybe it was
true that the physical act of smiling, even fake smiling, released
serotonin and so improved the mood of the person, regardless of how they
felt before making the effort to smile.

Or maybe – and this is what he was inclined to believe – maybe, the
act of creating the calm, careful smile somehow led him there.

Whatever it was, it seemed that he had found, in smiling, a way to centre
down.  So now he smiled, and he could feel his breathing slow, feel himself
calming.

And God knows, he needed calm now, he thought, as his parents began to
question Scott.  Because if there was one thing he knew with absolute
certainty, it was that he had to go back to Nova Scotia.  He had to.  He
didn't know why, but he knew that, even without Scott, that was where he
needed to be.  The only way that was going to happen was with his parents'
permission – which meant that he needed his parents to believe in
Scott's solution.  And for them to believe it, he needed to believe it.  He
would endure the violation of his privacy.  This Matthew would be an
acceptable roommate.  He had to be.  He just had to be.

So though his heart was breaking, Luc sat at the kitchen table with his
parents while they asked Scott questions and believed.

He believed for all of them.

***

Scott met up with Bran and Matt at the student centre late that afternoon
to discuss the details of Matt's move to Luc's condo.  Matt was, Scott
realized, very anxious to move out of his res room, and he didn't seem to
want to stay in Scott's room either.  Since he didn't have a lot of stuff,
and since Scott had the keys that Luc's parents had left with him when
they'd brought Luc back to Montreal early in December, they decided that
they might as well move him in that evening.

"I think it's a great idea," said Scott, registering the relief on Matt's
anxious face.  Scott had noticed how very tense Matt had seemed these last
couple of days, and how he'd always seemed to be watching over his
shoulder.  He hoped living with Luc would ease whatever Bran's brother's
concerns were.

"It'll give you a couple of days to get settled before Luc gets in Sunday
evening."

"You wanna pack up your car now?" Bran asked.

"It won't take long," said Matt with a grin.  "I never really unpacked.
But I gotta tell you guys, I'd feel more comfortable if I was paying rent.
I know it's a great deal, but it's not like I can't afford it."

Scott assured him that the deal he'd struck was a reasonable one.  "I kinda
thought you'd feel that way about rent," he said.  "But Luc's mother was
adamant.  Luc's not going to be able to drive for a while, maybe for
several months.  So instead of rent, you'll be driving him to and from
school, and to rehab.  And to get groceries and stuff like that.  I hope
you're ok with that.  You might find it a pretty serious constraint on your
time."

"It'll be fine," said Matt.  "I just need a quiet place to work.  I'm happy
to do the driving.  It's only ten minutes to campus."

"Well, you don't have to do all the driving.  Josh and I will help, too.
Josh has a car, and I can always drive Luc's.  And Luc and I have virtually
identical class schedules."

They were about to head over to Matt's room when Scott's cell rang.  He
fished it out of his pocket, saw Josh's number and grinned.

"I gotta take this," he said, pushing back from the table and taking a few
steps away.

"Must be Josh," said Bran with a grin, and he and Matt dropped back into
their chairs.

Scott grinned and took a few more steps away from the table. "Hey," he said
softly.

"Scott?"

Terms of endearment were rare between them.  Scott had tried a few, but
nothing felt exactly right yet.  Josh rarely used endearments at all.  It
didn't seem to matter, though.  Josh could breath more sex into the single
syllable of Scott's name than Scott would have thought possible.

He smiled.  "Yeah."

"Have you got anything planned this weekend?"

"Not much.  We've got some ice time Sunday afternoon for a pick-up game--"

 "Tell them you won't be there."

"Oh?  Where will I be?"

"We're going away for the weekend."

Scott laughed softly.  "Really?  And why is that?"

"Because we need it," said Josh. "All this sensitive, meaningful sex is
great.  Healing.  Profound.  But sometimes--"

Despite the teasing tone his Josh's voice, Scott knew he was serious.
"Sometimes what?"

"Sometimes we have to lighten up a bit and have some fun."

"I see."

"Good.  Because we're going to have a very... private weekend, you and me.
And you..."

"And I what?"

Josh's voice dropped to little more than a low growl.  "You are going to
fuck me senseless."

Scott cupped his hand around his cell and laughed softly.  "I am?"

"You are.  And if you're a really good boy--"

"Yeah?"

"I just might return the favour."

Scott felt himself blushing and shot a glance at Bran and Matt.  They
seemed completely absorbed in their own conversation.

"Oh, really?" he asked, dropping his voice further to little more than a
whisper.  "And just how are you gonna do that?"

The sound of Josh's laughter made him smile.

"I'm not quite in a place for phone sex at the moment," Josh said.  "But if
you want to hold that thought--"

Scott couldn't suppress a bark of laughter, and glanced around to see Bran
and Matt both watching him.  He grinned at them, then turned away.

"That's not what I meant," he said.  "How are you gonna do that when I've
got you f-- when you're senseless?"

Josh's laughter deepened, and its throatier timbre made Scott twitch in
interesting places.  "You really think you can keep me that way the whole
weekend?"

"Oh, yeah," said Scott.

"We'll see."

Josh was still laughing when he clicked his phone shut.


When Scott's cell rang, Matt knew immediately that it was Joshua.  He could
tell from the quirky smile that lit up the rugby boy's face when he checked
the display.  And the body language as he pushed himself away from them to
take the call.  Scott had such an open face – there was something kind
of naοve about him.

Not that Matt ever missed much.  Reading people was... what he did.  Scott
was easy.  And consistent.  Heart on the sleeve type.

Unlike Joshua.

But he didn't want to think of Joshua.  He wanted a wall between himself
and those memories.  Pretty difficult with the guy's picture beside him as
he tossed and turned, and tried to sleep.

And now fucking impossible, knowing it was Josh on the phone with Scott.

He stole a glance across the table.  Scott was a couple of meters away,
leaning with his back against the wall.  Just as Matt glanced at his face,
he grinned and absently raised his free hand to his neck.

Matt sighed.  He hadn't actually seen Josh with Scott yet – hell, he
didn't even want to think about the two of them together.  But somehow he
couldn't resist watching Scott react to his lover.  It was there, somehow,
in the way he tilted his head, the way he shifted his weight from one foot
to the other.

And it wasn't just that Scott was so easy to read.  It was also that, well,
Josh left... marks.  And Matt missed nothing.  When Scott had joined them
at the student union, flopping down into an empty chair with his jacket
open, Matt had noticed immediately the little red mark at the base of his
throat, flashing like a warning sign.

Teeth marks, Matt thought.  Just beneath his Adam's apple, disappearing
beneath his shirt.

And that was just one of several tiny, subtle marks.  There was also the
slight swelling of Scott's lower lip, a small scratch on the back of his
hand...

The only thing Josh had ever left on Matt was the wetness on his cheek that
first night.  Fuck, he'd hardly even talked to him...

And though Matt tried to resist, to focus on his brother, who was making
plans for moving him into Luc's place that night, all he could think of was
the last time he'd actually seen Josh.

It had been a late night in March, almost three years before, cold and damp
with a heavy fog and retreating snow.  Matt had found him at Rainbow, alone
again at his solitary table with his bottle of wine and single glass.
Again Matt had grabbed his own glass from the bar, pulled over his own
chair, poured himself a little.  Talked.

Joshua had said nothing at all.  His face had been expressionless.  When
the bottle was done, he'd simply stood up, watching Matt steadily with that
huge sadness behind his eyes.

"You want to go back to my place?" Matt had asked, and for once he was
actually thinking of something more than sex.  He was about to say `we
could talk,' but he didn't get the chance.  Josh had nodded and turned
away, leading him to the door.

He had not allowed Matt to kiss him, though Matt had wanted to very badly.
He'd put a finger lightly over Matt's lips when Matt had tried to talk.
And then he'd dropped to his knees with a speed and determination that had
seemed almost angry.

Even when Matt had tried to slow him down, to gentle him, Josh had shaken
him off.  His mouth was skilled and determined and fierce, and although
Matt had tried hard to prolong it, it was over fast, too fast, and Josh was
on his feet again.

But when Matt reached for him, Josh had pushed him away, and said the only
words he'd said all evening, words heavy with loathing.

"I can't do this anymore."

As Matt watched him go, he realized just how much Josh loathed him.  And
how much he loathed himself.

Matt had gone Rainbow every night for weeks after that, but Josh was never
there.  He hadn't seen him again – except in the laughing photograph
that had watched him sleep these last two nights.

But he could still feel the loathing...

 "Hey.  Earth to Matthew."

Matt jerked in surprise as he felt his brother's hand on his arm and looked
up quickly.  "Sorry.  Bit of a brain glitch there," he said.

Matt laughed.  "No, really?  I was just asking if you wanna have dinner
here and then move your stuff, or move it now and maybe order in."

Scott rejoined them then, and the three of them resumed their discussion of
plans for the move.  But Matt couldn't help but notice the drowsy pleasure
still lingering in the big guy's smoky grey eyes.  And when Scott actually
took his lower lip gently between his teeth, as if he was testing the
swelling, his eyes would get kind of dreamy.

Josh had done that to Scott, Matt knew.  Josh's words in Scott's ear.
Josh's teeth on Scott's bottom lip.  Josh's hands--

He remembered again the look of loathing on Josh's face when he'd left Matt
that night...

I can't do this, Matt thought.  I should never have come back here.  What
the fuck was I thinking?


***

Hope you enjoyed four.  Do take the time to comment; and if you'd like to
be added to the update list, just drop me a note at
duncanryder@hotmail.com.