Date: Mon, 6 Oct 2008 18:30:55 +0000
From: Steve Thomas <stevethomas535@hotmail.com>
Subject: Growing up Joshua - Ch. 16

Growing up Joshua This is a work of pure fiction, but based on the author's
feelings,beliefs, and in some cases, experience.  Come to think of it -- it
mightnot be all that pure! There may be graphic sexual encounters at
timesbetween males, so if this offends you, you are invited to retreat.  If
youare too young or it is otherwise illegal for you to be reading this
kindif story, shame on you for reading it - - please stop here.  If not, -
-ENJOY!

Cast of characters:

Joshua Alan Black II

Barbie Warfield -- my mother

Dennis Warfield -- my stepfather

Alva Benson -- my Gram (Grandma)

Iver Benson -- my Pop (Grandpa)

Richard -- My favorite Cousin

Ray and Raul -- Richards' older brothers.

Nate Willows -- My first roomie.

Rudy Chanbers -- Friend across the hall.

James Meriwether -- Mid-year Transfer

Morty Rankowiscz -- college friend

Zach Taylor -- new friend

Tom Clancy -- Zack's dad.

Jane Clancy -- Zach'z mom.

Dania, Darcy, Deanna, Danny and David -- Zach's Sibs



>From Chapter 14:

"I guess -- Rod's -- dead."  Said Zach.

"That's what I heard."

"What a jerk!"

"Yeah."  I answered.  "I'm surprised that he wasn't aiming for me!"  I
said.

"He probably didn't even know it was you!"

"Oh -- yeah -- you're probably right."

"Josh?"

"Yeah?"  He didn't say anything.  "You okay, Zach?"

"Yeah -- I was just wondering - "

I anticipated what he wanted.  I carefully slipped in behind him and held
him from the rear.  He sighed long and soon was asleep.

Chapter 15

I woke up to whispering.  "Tom -- come look at this!"

"Aww -- what a guy!  I wonder why Zachary never mentioned Josh to us
before?"

"They must be very -- good friends!  That is so sweet!"

"Let's close the door.  The kids won't understand this.  Do you suppose
that - "

As soon as the door was closed, I tried to disengage from Zach.  "Ohhh" he
moaned.

"Sorry."  I said.  "Are you okay?"

"My -- knee -- um -- will you get me one of those Vicodins?"

"Your parents saw us -- sleeping."  I said, as I handed him a glass of
water and a Vicodin.

"Crap!  Did you close the door?"

"No.  They did.  They didn't want your brothers or sisters to get the wrong
idea."

"Or the right idea!  Geez!" He said.  "But -- it did feel good.  How do you
know they saw it?"

"I woke up to their whispers."  I explained to Zach what they said.

"And you pretended to be asleep?  Good thinking.  How were we laying?"

"I was spooned up behind you and my face was in your neck."

"SUE-WEET!"

"That's what your mom said."

"What?"

"She said it was so sweet that we were such good friends.  I really don't
think they thought anything about it."

"That'd be my patents."

"Naive?"  I said

"No, Obviously they're smart enough to know that Danny and David would
wonder.  But they just never think the worst about anyone!"

"And do you think the worst would be -- if you were gay?"

"Um -- I dunno.  They're pretty liberal - "

"You mean politically?"  I asked.

"Oh, no.  I mean with their love.  They'd be concerned about me, I'm sure,
but they'd still love me.  Boy, they didn't like Rod, though!"

"I know."

"What?  You know?"

"She called your soccer friends `ruffians'."

"Oh good grief!  What else did she tell you?"

"Haha!  Not all that much.  She likes me!"

"She TOLD you that?!"

"Actually she said I was a `nice boy'."

"You are!  And I think my dad would like to adopt you!  As if he didn't
have enough boys already!"

"How's that Vicodin working?"  I asked.

"Pretty good.  It's down to a dull throb.  Are you ready to get up?"

"It's still dark out.  What are your parents up so early for -- on Sunday
morning?"

"They always make a deal out of Sunday breakfast.  I wouldn't mind sleeping
some more."

"Hah!  Me neither!  We didn't get home until almost three this morning."

"Okay -- um - " He reached back and pulled me closer.  I assumed the same
position we found comfortable earlier.

This time when we woke up -- in the same position -- I was looking directly
into two deep blue, smiling eyes.  Tom's shadowy beard left over from
yesterday darkened his lower face in a way that made my tummy contract and
something else further south too.

"I know we didn't get home till three last night, but it's time for
breakfast.  We were wondering if maybe Josh wanted to come to church with
us."

"Aw, dad, my knee feels pretty sore."

"The doctor has you all set up with a special articulating knee brace.  He
said you should get used to not favoring it, son -- so it won't get stiff."

"Daddy!"  Zach whined.  "Just one day?"

(Oh I LIKE this boy!)

"They'll miss you in Sunday school.  Well, come to the kitchen for
breakfast anyway, guys."

We got dressed -- which was no picnic for Zach.  He limped into the kitchen
holding on to my shoulder.

"Zachy's got a boy-friend!"  Sang his 9-year-old twin brothers.

"STOP, you two!  Zach's knee is hurt.  He just needs some support -- and
Josh is nice enough to give it to him."

"He's not dressed for church!"  Said one of his sisters, self righteously.

"He's not going to church this morning, Dania.  He wants to stay off his
knee for a day or so."  Said Zach's mom.

"How come he slept with that other man last night?"

"Just leave them alone.  And, Darcy -- you met Josh the other night.  Do
you remember?"  Said Tom.

"How do YOU know they slept together?"  challenged one of the twins.
"Maybe Zach slept on the floor!"

"Where anyone slept is none of your business!"  Said Mrs. Clancy.

The littlest girl -- maybe 5 years old, said, very authoritatively, "My
teacher says that it's okay for men to sleep together!"

"Damned schools!"  Said Tom.  "What business have they got telling
5-year-olds that, anyway?  We'll talk about this later!  Please eat your
breakfast."

"But - " said one of the twins.

"Later, I said.  Let's have some silence while we eat, please.  David --
please ask a blessing on the food."  Tom was gentle enough, but he left no
confusion that the subject was closed.

After David's blessing, everyone ate in pretty much silence.  The littlest
asked to be excused first then all the rest, - to finish getting dressed
for church, leaving only me, Zach, and his parents at the table.

"Mom -- Dad -- We -- er, that is I -- have something to -- um -- discuss
with you."  Said Zach.

I was very afraid!

"Yes?"  Said Tom.

Zach looked at me nervously. A cold chill went through me.  Was he going to
-- no!  Not now!

"I -- er -- that is -- um -- Josh -- is -- gay!"

Both of Zach's parents blinked and his mom said, "Oh!  Maybe THAT'S why
he's nicer than those other boys."

I felt hot, cold and clammy all at once and my tummy felt sick and I felt
like my throat was parched.  But -- I tried to look as normal and
unflustered as I could, staring down at my empty plate.  Could the scarlet
coloring on my face possibly give me away?  I caught myself fidgeting and
stopped.  It seemed like a half hour passed before anyone else spoke.

"Zach -- we should discuss this -- maybe later -- when your friend is not
here, but -- do you -- think -- that you are gay too?"

Zach nodded slowly.

"Son -- you know that we both love you.  You know that Jesus loves you.  We
need to take the kids to church.  We'll talk later.  And Zach?"

"Yes?"  Zach whispered.

"I can't imagine how hard that must have been for you.  We'll talk later
today - okay?"

"Okay."  Said Zach -- never taking his eyes off the table in front of him.

Tom came over and sat next to Zach.  He put his fist under his chin and
raised it to look into his eyes.  "I love you, Son!  Josh?"

"Yessir?"  I said, snapping out of my unbelieving stupor.

"I don't know if -- um -- did Zach tell you he was going to -- tell us this
-- this morning?"

I shrugged and shook my head quickly -- no.

"Please forgive Zack for -- um, I believe you call it -- `outing' you --
like that.  That had to be uncomfortable for you as well.  But thank you
for being here.  I know it made things easier for Zach.  Okay?"

I looked into his deep blue and very kind eyes, and nodded.  Even as
embarrassed as I was, my body still reacted to this man's masculine aura.

"Well, we need to get ready for church.  I need to shave this sandpaper off
my face!"

NO! PLEASE DON'T SHAVE!  I thought.  Finally some sanity returned to me.  I
smiled.

"Will you be here when we return?"  Asked his mother.

"I -- think -- so."  I said.  "If -- if it's okay with Zach."

"Take good care of my boy!"  And she caressed my face with her hand -- then
did the same to Zach.

After they all left for church, Zach said, "Well -- that could have gone
better!"

I looked at him like he was a space alien.  "Well, maybe, but -- I don't
know how!  You just told them that you are gay!  Oh no, wait -- that came
after you told them that I am gay!  What did you expect -- for them to come
over and hug you?"

"Actually -- yes.  I was afraid they were going to hug you ... and NOT me!"

"Well, you are a very lucky -- and -- obviously -- a very LOVED son.

"Josh -- I'm sorry I did that to you.  But the timing was -- perfect.  If
we had planned it -- would you have minded that I did that?"

"Probably not.  I can't remember being quite that -- um -- embarrassed --
before.  But -- you're right.  That was a good moment to bring it up."

"I mean -- I'm sorry for telling them that you are gay -- even before - "

"Yeah, I get it, Zach.  It's okay.  It'll be better just as soon as I get
these knots out of my stomach, but -- it'll be fine."

"I'm so sorry!"

"I'll clean up the kitchen, while you -- um -- heh -- watch me, I guess!"
I quipped.

"I can help!"

"You just sit there.  I work better alone -- well, in the kitchen at
least."

"Okay, but first -- help me up.  I want to at least hug you!"

"Didn't get enough last night?'  I teased.

"You didn't hug me from the front last night!"

I helped him up and he nearly fell into my embrace.  "Ow-ow!"  he said, as
he stumbled slightly on his knee.  Then he pulled me in close, and lay his
head on my shoulder, burying his face in my neck.

"Gosh that feels good!"  He said. "And so does this!"  He rubbed my
stiffening meat.  "Omigiosh!  What do you have in there?"

"I have the same equipment as everyone else."  I said.

"Naw -- this -- omigosh!  It just keeps growing!  When does it stop?"

"Well, when a guy -- like you -- is squeezing it like that, it seems to
want to get to maximum status -- before stopping."  I giggled.

"Can I see it?"

"Zach -- I don't think - "

He sat down again and opened my fly, and pulled down my white boxers, and
then gawked for a full ten seconds.

"That's -- magnificent!"

"Well, um -- maybe that's a little too -- ah -- hee hee!" He was lightly
tracing the shape with his fingers, up and over the top.

"Does this hurt?"  He said, as looked up into my eyes while slowly and
gently slipping the hood halfway down from the head.  I half closed my
eyes, obviously ecstatic at what he was doing while at the same time, he
was watching my eyes and face for disapproval or --

"Ai-eee!"  I whimpered, as his lightly stubbled chin rubbed the head by
accident.

"Oh!  I'm sorry, I'm sorry!"  he said, as he watched a dollop of pre ooze
out of the still half exposed head.  That mesmerized him for a moment.

"Do that again and you may get the real stuff!"  I said.

"What's that smell?"  He said.  He sniffed it up close.  "Omigosh, that's
-- um -- almost intoxicating!"

He then swiped the head, getting the dollop on his finger tip.  He put it
on his tongue.

He tried to stand up and grimaced, then remembered.  "Oh!"  He dutifully
pulled up my boxers and closed my fly.  He grinned sheepishly.  "Well, that
probably wasn't what my parents would have liked for my Sunday school
lesson, today."  He made another grimace, smiled again and said, Well,
let's get these dishes cleaned up!"

"I told you I'd do that!"  "I know, but as my dad said, I don't want to get
too stiff! -- at least not my leg!"  He giggled, grabbing his own obvious
boner.

I doubt he knew how horny he made me!  Or -- maybe he did -- because he
obviously felt that way too.  But I didn't want to push him.  He was 2
years older than I, but in this thing he was still a novice.

"Well, now at least I know!"  He said seriously.

"What?"

"You know -- about me being -- I mean -- about my -- um -- sexuality."

His face was red as he turned and hobbled over to the sink, and started the
hot water filling it.  "Will you bring those dishes over?"  He said over
his shoulder.

I stacked some of the plates and dishes and carried them to the counter.
He lowered them into the soapy water, turned off the water and turned
around, facing me.  His face was awash in tears.

"What am I gonna do, Josh?"

"I don't know -- um -- what - ?"  I started.

"I -- don't WANT to be -- be - - um -- this way!"  He cried.

"Pretty hard to say, isn't it?"  I said.  He again fell into my arms, and
clutched to me desperately.

His arms around me were almost suffocating, he was squeezing so hard.  I
patted and rubbed his back, neck and the back of his head.  "You really --
didn't know - ?"  I didn't know what to say.

"I -- guess I -- probably -- um -- but -- no!  I was so -- um - " He buried
his face in my neck, and hyperventilated a moment.

"Um -- maybe we better sit down or something, I mean - " I said.

"No -- I want to get this mess cleaned up before -- before -= they come
home, and -- my GOD!  What am I gonna tell Mom and Dad?"

"I think you already told them."  I offered.

"I mean -- I mean -- I wanted -- kids -- and -- oh, Josh!  You can't even
imagine how much I want kids of my own -- someday.  How can I - "

"It's possible."  I said.

"I mean I -- huh?"

He stopped and looked at me -- for some -- no ANY suggestion that what I
said could be possible.

"Can you stand on your own?"  I asked.

"Yes."  He backed away.

I stepped to the side, and grabbed the dish drying cloth.  I grabbed the
one glass he had washed already and told him about Seth.

"My shrink lives in a compound in Vermont -- bunch of rich guys -- and
there are three gay couples -- all close like brothers -- and they have a
bunch of kids there.  Seth -- my psychologist -- and his partner, Luke --
don't have any, but he says it's almost as if they do.  Seth's brother
lives next door, and he and his partner have one -- a boy, I think -- but
there are two others -- and they all live with their houses in like -- a
circle -- and they have 2 or 3 kids each."

"Have you been there?"

"No, but - "

"How do you - "

"I told Seth that I wanted kids.  He told me about his brothers."

"What?  They're all his brothers?"

"No, but -- one of them is, and another is their cousin.  The other ones
with kids -- are just good friends -- but they all consider each other like
brothers."

"You -- um -- Seth -- he doesn't have - "

"No.  He and his partner, Luke, decided they don't want any - yet.  I can't
imagine that, but that's their choice.  But he says with so many nieces and
nephews running around -- it's almost like having them anyway.  They baby
sit a lot!

"That must be weird, a whole community with no women."

"Oh, they have women!  The guy who originally bought the property -- his
parents are there, because they want to be near their grandbabies.  And the
children's mothers live there too."

"Nuh-uh!"

"That what Seth told me!  The are two sisters from the Ukraine who had all
these kids and their husbands were both killed in wars.  At first they
could not take care of their children so they put them in an orphanage --
with other kids like themselves.

But when the Smith clan -- that`s what Seth calls his family -- adopted
these kids, they asked if the bio-moms wanted to come take care of their
own children."

 "Why did they do that?"

"They all believe that a child needs a mother in his life -- well, a mother
AND a dad.  Well, they have an abundance of dads!"

"Wait a minute!  That -- that's what Moses did!"

"Huh?"

"I mean -- that's what happened to Moses!  You know -- in the Bible!"  Zach
said, getting very animated.

"You mean like -- Moses -- like the Ten commandments Moses?"  I asked.

"Yes!  The Pharaoh made a law that all children of their captive Israelites
would be cast into the river if they were males.  The Israelites were
getting too numerous.  But Moses' mother, instead of just throwing Moses
into the river, she made a little floating bed or something out of reeds,
and she cast him in the river all right, and he floated right into where
the Pharaoh's daughter was swimming.  She saw the floating baby and wanted
to keep it for her own.

"Moses sister was hiding, following the baby and she saw it.  She told
Pharaoh's daughter that she knew of a woman who had milk -- who was of
course her mother.  So, Moses' mother was taken into the palace to be
Moses' wet nurse."

"Wet nurse?"

"Yeah -- she fed Moses her milk!"

"Oh!  Wet nurse!  Yeah!"  I said.

"So -- that's what the Smith -- um -- clan -- did!  Very kewl!"  Said Zach.

"Well, anyway -- Seth told me about that, when I was having a stroke about
not being able to have kids -- like you."

"Wow!  And -- oh!  You want kids too!  Very cool!"  He smiled a little too
knowingly, and began washing the dishes again.

After the kitchen was all cleaned up, We went to the living room and Zach
sat in a recliner chair, with a pillow propped under his leg.  We were
watching Fox News when his family came home.  Two of the little girls saw
him in the chair and ran to him.  "Stop!"  Hollered Tom.  "Don't be jumping
on Zacky right now.  Remember -- his leg is hurt."

The little girls looked disappointed -- but no more so than Zach!  They
gave him a hug and kiss.  Yes, he was going to be a good daddy some day!

After lunch, the little girls took a nap and tom sent the twins to their
room to study -- but mostly to give us privacy.

"Do you mind staying, Josh?"  Asked Tom.  "I know it would make Zach feel
easier about -- discussing this.  I mean -- are YOU okay with it?"

I nodded.  I assumed he was going to talk to his son about --
homosexuality.  I was right.

When Mrs. Clancy came in from putting the little girls down, I got up.
"Please sit, Josh!"  She admonished, smiling.

"Okay -- um -- well!"  started Tom.  "Zach -- I hope it's okay -- we talked
to Andy this morning and - "

"Andy is one of our pastors."  Explained Mrs. Clancy.  "We asked him
because he seems to be more aligned with the youth."

"Yes -- and we told him that we have expected you to tell us this for a
long time."  Zach's eyes grew round and his mouth gaped open.

Mrs, Clancy said, "We didn't want to drive you away -- or toward anything
-- so we decided to wait until you told us yourself."

"Omigosh!"  Exclaimed Zach.  "How long have you -- um -- known?"

"Oh -- at least since you were -- well, 15!"

"FIFTEEN?!!  Jeez!  You've known longer than I have!"

"We didn't want to say anything, because as you got older, you got better
at -- um -- hiding it.  We didn't want to bring anything into your life
that maybe you had never considered."  Said Tom.

"What -- what -- did Pastor Andy s-say?"  Zach asked.

"He told us that he knew of programs -- to help boys struggling with this.
He mentioned one -- Exodus -- but he told us -- he has never seen anyone
really change from going there.  But he said that it was not a bad way of
-- learning to deal with the fact -- the reality, I guess.  But he said
depending on your state of mind -- he doesn't recommend it any more --
because sometimes it gives boys too much hope."

"T -- too much -- hope?"

"Andy seems to know a lot about it.  Anyway,"

"Did Pastor Andy -- um -- did HE know -- about me?"

"He was surprised.  He said he knew that you didn't date -- girls -- but
that he just thought you were a late bloomer.  He apologized -- something
about stereotypes -- you being a soccer star and all.  That would throw
people off.  It did us!"  Said Zach's mom.

"We had almost forgotten our suspicions, but - when we saw you two in bed
this morning -- well, at first, we just thought that Josh was a very good
friend.  It didn't occur that maybe -- but -- um -- are you two -- um --
boyfriends?"

Zach looked at me and turned scarlet.  "No.  Not -- um -- yet."

"Oh!  Well -- okay then.  Um -- you seemed very close --this morning."

"Mrs. Clancy," I started.

"Please -- call me Jane.

"Jane -- Tom -- Zach and I have not done -- ANYTHING.  I mean - "

"Last night, my leg was hurting -- a lot -- and besides that, I was hurting
inside -- and what was that word -- oh yeah -- struggling -- with -- um --
this.  I asked Josh to hold me -- that's all."

"That was all we did."  I averred.

"But -- you did say that -- you're gay - ?"  Said Tom.

"Actually I said that."  Said Zach.  "And -- I shouldn't have."

"But, yes -- I am gay."  I said, shrugging.

"Maybe it's good to have such a nice boy -- a little older -- to help you
understand - " Zach looked at me and as nervous as he had been, he kind of
almost smirked.  "What?"  Said Tom.

"Josh is 18."

"Oh.  Well, the point is -- you don't have to face this alone, maybe.  Do
you practice safe sex, Josh?"

"Dad!"

"Maybe he doesn't practice sex at all, Tom!"  Said Jane.  "He's awfully
young!"

I let that stand as it was.  I saw no reason to tell them everything.  If
this made them all feel better -- so much the better.

"Dad?  Mom?  I think right now -- I need a hug for you -- both of you!
This is SOOO not how I imagined this happening."

"What happening?"

"You being so understanding."

"Well, we've had longer to digest it than you -- apparently."  Said Tom.

Tom helped his son up and they all did a group hug -- Tom, Jane and Zach.

"I guess I'm gonna have to talk to Pastor Andy."  Said Zach.

"He said he will if you want.  But only if you want."

"I have to.  It'll be weird seeing him now -- knowing he knows, knowing he
knows I know he -- well -- you get the idea."

"Andy said it would be better not make it a public thing -- at least not
right away.  There are people in the church who would not understand.
Especially some of the older folks.  But even some of the younger ones --
still have a long way to go in their learning to -- well -- love everyone."

"I understand.  You guys are -- what can I say?  The best!"  Said Zach and
he kissed each of their cheeks.

"Oh -- and -- Zach?"  Said his dad.  "Be a little careful around the twins.
I know they've been sort of experimenting -- with each other -- a little.
They're very curious."

"Good to know.  Should I not wrestle with them any more?"

"No -- I wouldn't go that far.  Just be aware."

"I will.  I love you guys!"



After that, Zach and I were almost inseparable for awhile.  We didn't
consider ourselves together.  We weren't really doing anything, except we
did do some masturbating together -- which turned to masturbating each
other one night.  Of course for Zach, that was more than he'd ever done and
so ...

We kept it low key at school.  But there was one who noticed our budding
friendship: Our Advanced English Composition professor!  Only he could
discern a look between us.  I still was pretty hurt by his rejection.  It
was hard sometimes to see him up in the front of the class.  His perfectly
matching, round eyes, the way his curly black hair swirled down onto his
forehead on the right side.  I sometimes wondered if he did that to tease
me.  He knew I liked it!

One day after class, I went to the student center for a soft drink.  He
boldly came up and stood behind me, the "front of his pants" touching the
back of my head.

"You've been very quiet in class."

"I don't have anything to say -- to you."  I said, quietly.  "Thanks for
nor letting -- um -- anything get in the way of your grading, at least."

"I still want to see you."

I turned and stood, looked deeply into his eyes.  "I think we were past
"seeing" each other."

"I mean -- maybe you could -- um -- come over -- some night and -- um --
talk."

"I dunno -- maybe."  I said, old feelings coming up.

"It hurts to see you flirting with that Taylor boy."

"What?  Flirting?"

"With your new boyfriend."

"He's NOT my boyfriend!"

"Then why do you flirt -- with him -- all the time."

"We're only friends."

"Does he know that?"

"Why?"

"I've seen him watch you when you walk away.  I know that look.  I think he
thinks it's more than what you think it is."

"I think YOU think it's more than either of US thinks it is!"  I said.

"So -- you think you want to come over -- some night -- to see me?"

"I'll think about it."  I said, and I got up and left.

I checked the class schedules.  I couldn't just drop the class.  That's an
automatic F.  I found one other teacher that taught that class -- on
Tuesdays and Thursdays.



"Yes sir.  I am having more and more trouble getting off work at the time
of that class.  I probably could continue in the Tuesday-Thursday class --
if that works."

"Are you sure it's not a problem you're having with Professor Rankowiscz?
He's new and it could mean trouble for him."  Said the class scheduling
counselor.

"No.  That's not it!"  I emphasized.

"I'm just afraid that it might not be good -- to move this late in the
semester.  I am going to have to reject your request -- unless you wish to
take it further in which case I will refer you to the assistant dean of the
English department.  But I pretty much know what she'll say ... and do.
Somewhere you're going to have to learn that things aren't always fair.
You're not in high school any more."

"Okay.  Well, tell that to -- um -- never mind.  Thanks anyway."  I said.



"I probably can pull some strings, Josh.  Which teacher did you want?"
said the General.

One call from my dad was all it took.



"Josh!  They're questioning my teaching methods -- the fact that someone
had to go to such measures to get out of my class.  They are wondering what
I did to offend one of our star students!  Why did you want out?"

"Why?  You know very well why!  You went and told Zach that you and I were
in love!"

"Well, aren't we?  I love you and I know that you love me!"

I couldn't deny that.  "You had no right to do that.  Now he doesn't want
to even see me."

"I TOLD you that he was -- more infatuated with - "

"But you see -- that would be NONE OF YOUR DAMNED BUSINESS!"  I yelled.

Everyone turned around.  I looked around and Morty was cringing like I'd
pulled a gun.

"Just stay away form me!"  I yelled.

And I turned and walked out the exit of the student center.  I ran into --
physically -- Zach.

"Did you break up again?"

"I told you Zach.  We never were back together -- again."

"I saw the way you looked at him -- in class!"

"Yeah -- so?  It takes time to lose those feelings, Zach; I had no idea
that you felt the way you did.  And by the way -- he saw the way I looked
at you too!"

When I said that, his eyes got big and I thought he was going to cry, but
Zach grabbed me clumsily and pulled me into a hug and kissed me deeply.  I
sprang back and looked around.  We were alone in the hallway.  I sprang
back to him and kissed him back.

"Josh -- how could two guys do what we've done -- and not be in love?"

Here I go again!

"We haven't done anything, Zach!"

"Maybe you consider touching me in those places and hugging and cuddling
with me -- nothing, but - "

"You're right.  I was -- um -- well, I've got too much experience, I
guess."

"So -- you DON'T love me."  He said, folding his arms.  But he looked
hopeful.

"Zach -- um -- well, maybe not like you want me to -- yet."

"So -- you -- um -- COULD -- some day?"

"Walk outside with me, Zach."

We walked in silence until we got out into the yard.  It was a suddenly
cold autumn day, and neither of us had anything really warm on.

Shivering, I said, "Zach -- remember my friend -- er my shrink - Seth?"

"I know you've talked about him -- a lot."

"Did you ever wonder why I was seeing him?"

"Because you're gay?"  He asked.

"No -- well not altogether.  I'm freezing -- so are you.  We better go
somewhere."

"We could go to my house.  But you have an 11 o'clock class!"

"I can miss it!  Let's go!"

I followed him out to the parking lot.  I didn't see the red van.  He led
me to an older Mustang.  "Wow!  Where did this come from?"

"It was my Grandpa's -- My Grandpa Taylor.  I never met him.  But he --
knew about me.  He died and left it to me."

"Cool!"

"It's nice.  Hop in."

I got in.  The seat was hard and cold, and it felt like I was sitting on
the floor.  "What year is this?"

"1965. Dad says it's a classic."

"It looks perf -- wha -- does that say 35,000 miles?"

"That's all it has.  But dad says cars back then only went about 50,000
before they started to have major problems.  But he said that my grandpa
must have taken good care of it -- changed the oil often and stuff.  It
runs pretty well."

We pulled up to his house.  We went in.  "Where is everyone?"  I asked.

"Kids are all at school.  As soon as Deedee started kindergarten, mom
started to work in the school library."

"Oh."

"You were saying that -- about -- Seth?"

"Oh -- yeah, well, I was seeing him for reality therapy."

I let that sink in.

"You -- were -- having trouble with reality?"

"I've been hurt by a lot of people.  Zach -- it's hard for me to trust
people.  And every time I do, they let me down -- or worse -- they hurt
me."

"Omigosh, I'm so sorry."

"Well, Seth has helped me deal with the reality of it, but it still hurts
when someone let's me down."

"I'm sorry, Josh.  I won't let you down."

"And -- I want to believe you -- but -- it's just hard."

"I don't know what to do, Josh.  I want you to trust me, but - "

"I just need more time -- maybe.  I trusted Morty.  I used to shut down
when I got hurt.  Now it just hurts."

"Shut down?"

"Yeah, well, the first one to hurt me -- was my step-father.  He wasn't as
nice as yours."

"What - what did he do?  Oh!  Maybe you don't want to - "

"No -- it's okay.  He liked little boys.  He started abusing me sexually --
when I was 8."

"Good God!  What did he do??  Play with your - "

"Oh no!  I only dreamed that he might do that!  It was never about me.  He
told me he loved me -- while he was fucking me.  I believed him."

"He -- omigod!  You were only 8?"

"Yeah.  He was the first of many to -- disappoint me."

"That's all you call it -- a disappointment?"

"That's what it seemed at the time.  I know now that that really screwed
with my mind.  But I was always disappointed that when he left me -- he
forgot how much he loved me.  But believe me -- I lived for those times
when he -- did me -- because he loved me while he did it."

"Didn't it hurt?"

"He wasn't very big -- but -- yes, it hurt like hell.  But I just wanted to
be loved."

"And now I've hurt you too!  I'm so sorry.  I didn't know.  What can I do
to - "

"Just give me time.  I want to trust you.  I know I have every reason to
trust you.  I just need time -- and - "

He pulled me in and kissed me again.  Only this time there was no one
around -- no possibility of anyone around.  I kissed him back with so much
passion!  He returned it.  He dragged me back to his bedroom.

(Okay, he was still in no condition to drag me ... I went willingly!)

When we got to his room, he closed and locked the door.  Then he went to
the bed and sat down.  He looked up at me.  "I want you to trust me.  I
don't know what to do to -- to -- make that happen.  I pulled you in here
to -- to -- I guess show you how much I -- um -- want you.  But after what
you said, I wonder if -- I mean -- maybe this isn't such a good idea."

"Zach -- that right there -- was a gift.  It's more than anyone else has
ever given me.  Make no mistake -- I WANT to -- show you how I feel.  But
-- I'm afraid to let you get -- um -- well, maybe -- too close."  I stopped
to let him digest what I said.  I wasn't even sure exactly the impact of it
myself.

I went and sat next to him.  "Zach -- the problem I may have -- or rather
maybe that YOU may have is -- What we have done -- so far -- is -- well,
I'm sorry, but -- even though to you it is more than you've ever
experienced with another guy - "

"Girl or guy!"

"Yes.  Well, what I was going to say -- and please don't take this wrong --
but -- what we have done -- to me -- is -- well -- more like just having
some fun with a buddy.  Maybe you see touching each other as an act of
love.  I see it as simply messing around.  I just don't want you to take
what we do so seriously -- maybe.  Do you understand that?"

"Wow -- that kind of hurts."  He said.

"Oh I didn't mean that to sound so -- um - " I paused a moment.  "Look: I
HAVE come to care about you."

"No, it's okay -- I mean -- um -- okay - - Yes!  I understand what you
said.  But I just want YOU to know that I have -- um -- feelings too.  And
-- I'll try to -- um -- not take what we do as -- well -- so seriously."
Zach said.  I opened my mouth to say something, but he continued, "Um - "
He turned and took both my hands in his.  "Can you tell me -- at what point
that you will feel that we have gone -- um -- far enough -- that I CAN take
it more seriously?"

I looked at him for a moment.  His eyes weren't so round and not as intense
-- as Morty's, but they were very sincere.  I looked at our hands, then
back into his eyes.  "Okay -- you seem to be -- um -- calling my bluff.
No, I don't mean that!  Um -- maybe that's where you will have to be more
patient with me.  I'm -- um -- scared.  And maybe that will freak you out
-- or something -- but Seth taught me to be honest with myself.  And the
feeling I am feeling now is -- fear."

"Fear?"  he parroted back.  "Of what?  Are you afraid I will hurt you --
again?  Oh, I don't blame you!  I -- really -- had no idea I was hurting
you before -- when I walked away.  I thought it was you hurting me.  Well
-- I WAS hurt!  But -- I guess maybe -- maybe -- I misinterpreted what was
happening."

I then told him, as I had Morty, my whole theory about how sex makes a guy
think he's in love.  Even just me touching Zach -- made him think he was in
love -- etc.

"I think you have that right!  Now that you have told me that -- I can see
that -- the feelings I have -- for you -- aren't nearly as -- um- intense
or something -- as I had when -- when -- we were touching each other like
that.  I guess what I am saying is I got reminded of those feelings -- when
I saw you -- and wanted them again.  It's like I have been going without
them for twenty years!  And now that I have experienced them -- I want
more!"

"Yes, and I have gotten maybe a little too callous about them."  I said.
"I feel them alright -- when it's happening, but -- I turn something off --
so I won't get hurt."

"Does someone ALWAYS have to get hurt?  I mean guys our age -- well, most
of them are not ready to -- settle down -- yet.  But does someone always
have to get hurt -- when the relationship -- stops?"

Zach hit a nerve.  I was still looking into his eyes, but -- I stopped
seeing him for a few moments.  "Wow!"  I finally said.  "You're right!"

"I'm right?  I was asking a question!"

"Oh -- no!  I mean -- sorry!  I guess I was -- um -- talking to myself --
kind of.  Yes!  Someone always has to get hurt.  Because when two people
break up -- it's hardly ever mutual.  One wants to break up -- the other
doesn't!"

"And when you and Professor Rankowiscz broke up -- it was you that didn't
want to -- right?"

"You know -- um -- let's not talk about - Professor Rankowiscz."

"I'm sorry -- you even said it still hurts.  I'm SORRY!  I just seem to
know how to fu -- mess things up!"

"No Zach -- you just don't get it at all!"  Zach gave me a hurt puppy look.
"Wait -- just wait!  I didn't mean that like it sounded.  Neither Morty or
I wanted to break up.  But he's a weakling.  He let his parents -- and his
job -- break us up!  He shouldn't even be teaching at the university.  The
only reason he is -- is because his parents are so respected there."

"But he's a good teacher."  Said Zach.

"I know, but by rights, he should be a good teacher somewhere else.  And he
let this job -- get in the way of our relationship."

"Oh." Zach said, still sounding defeated.

"But you're right.  It still DOES hurt to talk about him."

Zach turned back sitting straight on the bed, looking away from me.  He
flopped back on his back and said -- to the ceiling, "I don't know -- what
to do."

I rolled over -- on top of him.  "Do you want to -- try to -- take up where
we left off?  With no promises -- except that I WANT to trust you -- and I
WANT you to trust me.  Can you do that much?"

He looked away, and his eyes glistened.  I rolled over to where he was
staring.  "Zach?  I'm NOT getting back with Morty -- even if he -- well, he
DOES want to.  But -- it will never work.  I see that, and as much as it
hurts -- I won't be getting back with him.  THAT I can promise you.  Will
you help me get over the hurt?"

A sudden flash of -- something -- came into his eyes.  "That's it!"  he
said.  It came so suddenly I couldn't help smiling.  "Really!  What you
said makes so much sense.  When a person gets hurt -- he will probably
remain hurt -- until someone else comes and takes the hurt away."

"Wha --at?"  I said, but I half got it already.

Zack now climbed on top of me.  He looked down at me and said, "You are a
genius!"

"I didn't come up wit it -- you did!"

"Okay, I accept!  I accept your Nobel LOVE Prize!  Haha!"  He then kissed
me and ground his pelvis into my own.  "I'm ready!"

"You're -- um -- ready?"

"Yeah!  I want you to -- take me to -- wherever it is -- that you think is
more meaningful -- to you -- to show you that I -- care for you -- and that
you -- um -- care for me -- that much."

"That much?"

"You know -- as much as it takes!"

His smile was wide and infectious.  He kissed me deeply and I kissed him
back.  "You're getting pretty good at that!"

"Yeah -- now teach me some more!  Teach me it all!"  he laughed.

"How about we just start with one thing at time?"

"Yeah!  That'd be great!"  He said as he removed his shirt -- and then my
own.  We kissed again and rolled over again with me on top.  I got up and
took my clothes off.  He lay there and gave me the go ahead -- with his
eyes.  I stripped him and our bodies melded together, as we kissed and
caressed each other all over.

Notes: Comments are welcome!  Solicited even!  To Steve at
stevethomas535@hotmail.com.  Thanks and love, Steve