Date: Tue, 18 Nov 2008 16:17:32 +0000
From: Steve Thomas <stevethomas535@hotmail.com>
Subject: Growing Up Joshua, Ch. 21

Growing up Joshua This is a work of pure fiction, but based on the author's
feelings,beliefs, and in some cases, experience.  Come to think of it -- it
mightnot be all that pure! There may be graphic sexual encounters at
timesbetween males, so if this offends you, you are invited to retreat.  If
youare too young or it is otherwise illegal for you to be reading this
kindif story, shame on you for reading it - - please stop here.  If not, -
-ENJOY!

Cast of characters:

Joshua Alan Black II

Barbie Warfield -- my mother

Dennis Warfield -- my stepfather

Alva Benson -- my Gram (Grandma)

Iver Benson -- my Pop (Grandpa)

Richard -- My favorite Cousin

Ray and Raul -- Richards' younger brothers.

Nate Willows  -- My first roomie.

Rudy Chanbers -- Friend across the hall.

James Meriwether -- Mid-year Transfer

Morty Rankowiscz -- college friend

Zach Taylor -- new friend

Tom Clancy -- Zack's dad.

Jane Clancy -- Zach'z mom.

Dania, Darcy, Deanna, Danny and David -- Zach's Sibs



>From Chapter 20:

"I was fourteen when I was sent away.  I have to tell you -- I cried myself
to sleep so many times -- because you were taken away from me.  Did you do
that?"  Asked Richard.

"I guess I handled it in a different way.  I was angry.  Not at you, Rich!
At your parents -- at your Gram.  That's when I started Tai-kwon-do.  I
took out my anger and aggression in my lessons.  My instructor, Antonio,
was worried that I might hurt someone.  And ... I did -- when it was
necessary.  But not often."

"You feel awesome, Joshy.  You're hard body and your hard -- um -- I'm so
glad you are here for me this weekend.  I'm a little worried."

"What about Rich?"

"I've -- erm -- never -- um -- done anything -- with a girl before.  Joshy
-- what if I can't -- um -- do it?"

Chapter 21

"You're only 22, Rich.  You HAVE to be able to."

"I've never been with a girl, Rich.  But I know I could -- fuck one -- if I
had to.

"I'll think of -- you -- if -- if - "

"Why are you getting married to -- I mean -- of you don't even know if --
you're -- um - "

"I need to show I'm ready to take over the head of the corporation --
before my dad retires.  And he want's to do that soon."

"But your dad is still young."  I said.

"And both his parents died relatively young.  Gram was only 62."

"Well, anyway, worrying about it won't make it easier.  Just assume that it
will work.  What have you told Bunny about -- um -- you?"

"NOTHING!"

I wanted to talk to him about that, but it seemed a little late in the
game, and also I didn't want to make him even more paranoid.  "How's your
head feeling?"  I asked.

"Dull throb.  It'll be okay in the morning, I think."

"Hey!  You're gonna be married in less than 48 hours!"  I said, hopefully
sounding more upbeat than I was feeling.  I felt a twinge of something
stirring in my loins, but it was rather counteracted by the twinge of
sadness I felt in my heart.  Not only did I feel bad for him -- and his
fears, but ... for me and my ... disappointment!

Nighty-night, sweet cuz!"  I said.  I kissed him and we snuggled to sleep.



"Were you sleepy heads going to sleep all day?"  Came a staticky voice
through the ancient P.A system installed in the Mansion.  It was Richard's
mom.  "Will you be coming to brunch, boys?  It'll be in 40 minutes.  You're
brother is already out here, Joshua dear."

"Okay, okay -- we'll be there, Ma!"  said Richard, half awake.

I was still holding him.  He giggled as he wiggled his ass against my pee
wood.  "Ohh, careful there, Cuz1 Too much Coke last night!"  I said.  I
tried to hop over him, but he popped up and ran to the bathroom.  I joined
him at the toilet and we both tried to bend our stiff poles down to relieve
out bladders.

"My God, I don't think I'll ever get used to that magnificent piece!"  he
said, gawking at me.

We were both unable to bend it sufficiently, so he suggested we take a
shower.  I don't mind golden showers ... when they're under a real shower!
It felt great to let loose and we peed all over each other for ... it
seemed ... at least five minutes!  When we finished we stood under the hot
shower spray and watched for our wood to subside.

It didn't.

I wonder why?

We washed each others backs and dried on the softest, whitest towels I've
ever seen.  When we got to the dining room, my brother gave me a look as if
he knew what we were doing.  I just frowned at him.  That's not to say I
didn't want to.  Every cell in my body was screaming out for my cousin!

My mother looked better than I've seen her -- ever.  Maybe it was her new
financial status.  Maybe it took a few wrinkles from her face or something.
She was still thin as a wisp, but she looked nice.  I told her so and she
glowed.

The rest of my family, The General, Mom and James, weren't there, but Bunny
and her family were.  Her sister looked like her, only she looked jealous
of all the attention Bunny was getting.  Well, duh!  It IS her wedding!
But it seemed like Bunny was intentionally rubbing it in.  I wondered if
Richard caught that -- or wondered, as I did, if that someday would be what
he would have to put up with.

Richard had told me she knew nothing, but it seemed like she was even
giving ME a conqueror's look.  I tried not to react.

Breakfast was the last we saw of the women.  Nate and I accompanied Richard
to far flung places all over the Sacramento valley to pick up the tuxes and
other various things that were necessary for the wedding and ... that
bachelor party.

I too felt a new sense of freedom, with my new status.  I had no idea how
much it was yet, but Richard assured me I'd never want for anything.  I
don't know if he knew what I wanted the most!  I felt good being with him,
but guilty about my feelings for him, and also for "cheating" on Zach.  I
really wasn't, but I felt that way.

I insisted on paying for everything having to do with the bachelor party --
at least everything we encountered that day.  Luckily I even got to pay the
caterer!  My brother thought I was going insane.  Because of our promise
not to make anything of yesterday's revelations, I couldn't tell him the
truth.

I just put it all on a credit card that I had gotten only three weeks
before.  Nate warned me that I was treading thin ice, and I even got a call
from the credit card issuer, that someone was using my credit card a lot.
I assured than it was me and that it was okay.

We stopped in at the Roseville Nordstrom store and I bought one new
complete outfit -- to wear to the party.  I also insisted on buying Nate
something.  I bought a pair f designer jeans that I never could afford
before, and when Nate saw them ... having no idea how much they were, he
said, "That's what I want!"  I said okay and told him to try some on.  When
he saw the $250 tag, he almost went ballistic.  Again I insisted.  "Pop's
gonna flip out!"  He warned.  Both of us knew better.  "Pop" would prefer
to let me learn life's lessons the hard way than "flip out" over something
like that.

I bought a ribbed tee, and another expensive shirt to top it.  When both of
us were outfitted with new threads, we dropped Nate off at his hotel.  We'd
see each other next at the manor, for the party.

Then I did something completely insane.  I asked my cousin where a good
place to get a hair makeover was.  He took me to a salon on J Street in
Sacramento, and though it was by appointment only, I learned the power of
money.

The stylist, Riley, was definitely gay, hair bleached white, and swishy.  I
looked through a catalog and found a very cute guy with a shag cut, with
the ends tipped. Riley cut it and combed it all down then air dried it, and
it fell completely natural.  "Omigod, Josh!  You look so hot!"  Said my
cousin.

When the party started, each person that walked in had a different reaction
to my new look.  My mother and Mom said it was a "cute" and "darling" look.
The General did a double-take and said, "Well, who's this boy and ... what
have you done with my son!"  But ... he was smiling.  "Oh well, I guess
you're a California boy after all!"  He laughed.  So did everyone else.
They weren't laughing AT me ... were they?

Of course when I say everyone, it was mostly men.  My mother and Mom went
out with my aunt for the evening.  Uncle Richard sniffed and half smiled.
He was proud of his number one boy, though.  Richard looked very masculine
and up scale, in relaxed jeans, a plaid, short sleeved shirt and an old
pair of deck shoes with no socks.  He had a platinum chain on his neck that
disappeared down his shirt.

The party was pretty sober until the strippers got there.  Richard had
promised Bunny that there wouldn't be any, but his father had other ideas.
(Yes ... sorry to say ... they were girls!)  They danced and stripped
nearly all the way, then the hottest girl came, topless and with no more
than a g-string on the bottom. And did a lap dance on Richard.

She grabbed his crotch and said, "OHHH!  You have something here you wish
I'd take care of!  Well, sorry, sexy, that's not in my job description!"
Everyone laughed and she hopped up and dragged him up too and started to
try to take HIS clothing off. But to her dismay, Richard was completely
sober and not going for it.

"Haha!"  Said the girl, "Maybe you should have ordered up a pretty boy!"
He lost his half smile turned red and jerked his hand away so fast that she
stumbled on her high heels.

She pouted and came to me.  I just turned around and ignored her.  She
looked at Ray and Raul, but they were obviously too young for that kind of
shenanigans.  She found a willing partner in bunny's father.  He danced and
played her game like it was HIS party.

After the girls left, some old football and soccer videos -- of Richard and
Nate at the Point -- came out.  We watched those for a good 40 minutes,
then Bunny's Dad left, which was the beginning of the end.  Soon everyone
was excusing himself, and then it was only me, the boys and Uncle Richard.

"Sorry about the girls son," said my uncle to Richard, "but when Ralph
(Bunny's father) told me of your promise, I had to do something about
that!"

This night we went to Richard's suite completely sober and not really that
tired.  As soon as we got in and he closed and locked the door, he said,
"Okay ... tonight I am completely sober and know what I am doing.  Last
night I could explain away sleeping with you as I did.  I was drunk --
right?"

"Um -- yeah," I said, "I guess."

"When Bunny made me promise that there would be no girls, of course it was
no problem -- for me!  I didn't want any.  She's gonna be pissed when she
hears about it."

"Really?  It wasn't you who arranged it.  And ... did you see how -- well
of course you did.  Her father was the one who playing their game!"

"Maybe that's why she is so touchy about the subject."  He said.  "What she
DIDN'T talk about was my last single night."  He said.  Then he grabbed me
and kissed me passionately -- fiercely.  I melted in his arms.  But as he
pressed his advantage it made me uncomfortable.

"Rich -- you're going to be married tomorrow.  Maybe we should cool it a
lit - "

"Joshy!  You're absolutely right!  I AM getting married ... tomorrow!  But
tonight is MINE.  Tonight is OURS!  Cuz -- we may never get another chance
... to do what we can do tonight!"

He looked from at me from eye to eye.  Everything in my said YES!  My body
ached to have the one boy that I've never stopped loving -- in my arms --
in my embrace -- in my ... "NO!"  I cried.

I jerked away and in doing so, I stumbled back and fell on the floor.  He
fell on top of me and pinned me.  I didn't have it in me to push him away.
As he lay on top of me he kissed me again.  I resisted, but gave in
quickly.  He started to hump on me and said, "Josh, for the love we never
got to share growing up.  For the love that I will probably always have for
you -- just this night.  JUST THIS ONE NIGHT!"

I was so torn, so confused, so ... burning with desire!  I wrapped my arms
around him and held him close, shaking from the excitement I felt ... and
the raw horniness!

Richard extricated himself from me and helped me up.  We undressed, doused
the lights and climbed in the big king-sized bed.  "I want you so bad,
Josh, but -- you have a guy back home -- don't you?"

"Yeah."  I said.

"Are you going steady with him?"

I thought long and hard about it before answering, "No."

"Have you made any promises? -- Oh!  Wasn't he supposed to come out with
you to the wedding?"

"Yes."

"Why did he stay back?"

"I know why -- and I still don't want to betray him."

"You know why? Asked Richard.  "Why?"

"He didn't want to get in the way of you ... and me."

"Damn, Joshy!  Did he say that?"

"Yes."

"Well, then he was as good as giving you permission -- to - "

"He was, but I know it would still hurt him.  I can't do that, Rich."

"I understand.  It's why I love you so much!  I hope he knows what he's
getting!"  He said.

He said that and again wrapped his body around my own and kissed me deeply.
I returned the kiss.  It was obvious that we were both leaking pre in
abundance.

"Can we at least have a wank together?"  He asked.

In the dim light I saw him take his out without my answer and start to
stroke it.  I removed his hand and put it on mine.

"Oh!"  He said, the smile obvious in his voice.  "Okay!"  I started to
stroke him.

Because of my hood-protected head, I was gasping before he was ready.  I
expected him to slow down a bit, and let himself catch up, but he didn't.
When he could tell I was going to blow, he quickly positioned his face in
my crotch and caught the spunk.  I was not in any shape to stop him.  He
continued to wank himself as he drank my nectar, and was soon spraying
spooge all over both of us.

He climbed back up and kissed me deeply and I tasted of my own strong sex.
Again, he spooned up to me, and I held him close all night.  I'm not sure
if I woke up slightly or if it was dream -- him crying softly in the night.

The young teen voice of Richard's 14-year-old brother Raul came over the
old P.A. system.  "Okay, Drop your cocks and grab your socks!"

Then 16-year-old Ray, said, "OR ... drop each OTHER'S cocks and - "

Then in the background, we heard Uncle Richard say, "I just asked you to
wake them up!"

Richard pushed the button on the transceiver by his bed, "Yeah, yeah!  You
two just keep talkin' about YOUR morning ritual!  We're awake!"

We showered together.  "You looked so damned hot in those new clothes!  I
wanted to eat you!"

"I believe you did."  I said.

"Oh -- yeah!  Thanks for that!"

"It wasn't as if you asked permission."  I quipped.

"You could have stopped me."

"I could have, but my head was not in a place to stop you."

"I know -- and I'm sorry, Joshy!  Forgive me?"

"No need.  I feel justified.  It's cool."

"I wish it was you I was marrying."  Said Richard, with a serious face.

"I wish you were too!"  I thought.

"But I have to -- keep up an appearance -- if I want to inherit the
CEO-ship from Dad."

"Almost doesn't seem fair."  I said.

"What?"

"My inheritance doesn't have any strings on it. But you are his son and you
have to - "

"My inheritance is the same as yours -- no strings attached.  But in
addition, I -- and my brothers -- get equal shares of company stock --
about triple what you and your mom got, when you figure in our mother's
inheritance.  That's over and above what we all got the other night.  I
could take this money and run, but -- no, I can't."

"When will you tell Bunny about -- about -- you, Rich?"

"She and I have an arrangement.  Our marriage was arranged. She is a
virgin, and so am I -- at least with girls -- and neither of us is very
attracted to the other."

He suddenly grabbed me and stood under the shower for a few moments.
"Sometimes I hate myself."  He said.  "I cried most of the night, you
know."

"I wasn't sure if it was a dream or - "

"It wasn't a dream."  He said and started to cry again.  I held him for
several more minutes like that.  Then we got out and dried off

As we were walking out to the dining room, he said, "A lot of couples learn
to love each other as time passes." As if he were assuring himself.

"I hope so."  I said.

I didn't find out until the reception -- which Bunny's parents arranged at
a very baroque hall in Sacramento -- that they also wanted me to attend
another reception in Pennsylvania, after the honeymoon.

I only saw Richard once more, the morning they flew off to Tahiti.  He got
me alone long enough to say, "It worked!"

"I TOLD you!"  I said, smiling.

"And Joshy ... I LIKED it!"

"Great!" I said, and it felt like something died inside me.  But I flashed
him a wide, triumphant smile and a thumbs up.

I tried not thinking the rest of the day, because every time I did, I got a
conflicting message: "What the F!!!  do I want him to fail at this?  GROW
UP!"  While at the same time, a plaintive wail that I could not really even
understand, but it felt like "It's not fair!  He was lost, then he was
found and now he's lost again!"

"Are you okay, Bro?"  Asked Nate.

"Yeah -- sure!"  I said, none to convincingly.

"Hey -- d'ya think we could find our way back to that corner down in
Sacramento -- you know the gay corner?  Where was it?"

"20th and K."  I said.  Numbers have always had a way of sticking in my
head.

"Only first I want to go somewhere that I saw earlier."

I told Nate to get dressed to go clubbing, and then I asked one of my
cousin's to drive us to the Shingle Springs Nissan dealer.  When I told Ray
to leave us there, Nate asked if I was crazy.

"I think I may be getting that way!"  I said, as Ray drove away.  Hey,
Nate, do you have time to drive back with me?"

"Huh?"

"I'm gonna buy a car."

"You're crazy!"

"I know, but it's time."

"You've already spent so much on your credit card -- you'll spend most of
the rest of this decade paying it back!  As your brother - "

"Half --brother!"

"As your Half-brother ... you OLDER half-brother -- I have to tell you - "

"Nate -- sit down.  I am nineteen now and -- not a little boy any longer I
- ""

"Hello!  I'm Archie!  May I help you boys?"  Asked an aging salesman.

"Um -- yeah, I want to drive that Xterra there -- the silver one."  I said.
"Could you get me the key?"

It was in the showroom and was completely pimped out. With large diameter
run-flat tires with chrome rims.  It sat about 18" off the ground!

"Joshy!"  said my brother.

"Yeah, so does every boy that walks in here.  I'm afraid - " Said the
salesman, as if he were talking to someone in junior high school.

" -- but my brother and I have something to discuss first."  I said,
turning my back on the guy.  I sat with Nate on a bench inside the show
room.

The salesman sniffed and walked away.

"What are you doing?"  Asked Nate.

"Nate -- we were asked not to say anything until everyone was gone -- so as
not to take away from the wedding.  Nate, when my step-father died, he left
me a fortune -- and not a small one!  I can afford this."

Nate took a moment to let what I just said sink in.  "You're serious,
aren't you?"

"Fraid so!  I'll explain more later if you need me too.  But for now, let's
buy a car!"

I stood and looked around.  Outside the showroom were several guys standing
around, waiting for the next customer to come.  I saw a very young looking
guy -- maybe between my age and Nate's -- and walked up to him.

"I want to buy that silver Xterra in there.  Can you handle the sale?"  I
said, walking back into the showroom, with him trying to keep up.

"Oh!  Well!  I -- um -- I'll need to talk to my sales manager."

Before I could say anything, he signaled someone in the building and out
came Archie.  "Let me guess!  This BOY wants to drive the silver Xterra!"

"He never said anything about driving it.  He only said he wants to buy
it."  said the young sales dude.

"Son, that's the oldest ploy on the books.  He want's to drive it!  He's
already tried with me.  I told him no way!"

I asked the sales dude his name.

"I -- I'm Auggie."

"Can I speak with the sales manager, Auggie?"  I said, ignoring Archie.

"Hello!"  said Archie, smiling triumphantly.  "I am the sales manager.  How
may I be of service?"

"You may get yourself out of Auggie's way, so he can sell me a car."

"What you don't understand is ... BOY ... even if you COULD buy that car,
you'd still have to go through me to do it.  You see, I was your first
contact, and - "

"We don't give a flying fuck if you own the place!"  Said Nate.  "Customers
deserve some respect -- at least where I come from!"

"And I will have to ask both of you to remove yourselves from these
premises!"  Said Archie.  "Guys, you want to help these boys on their way?"
said Archie to a group of nearby salesmen.

"Nate, sit down."  I said quietly.  Then I turned on Archie.  "I expect you
should get your supervisor here now, sir.  I want to talk to - "

"That would be me!"  Said a voice from down the hall.  A man in a gray suit
strode to us and asked, "What seems to be the problem?"

"These ruffians here are demanding to - " Started Archie.

"Are you the owner of this store?"  I asked.

"Yes."

"I want to buy the silver Xterra here."

"Have you checked his references, Arch?"

"No, Bill, he's just - "

"He's just a customer, Arch!"  the owner said.  "Do you have any
references, Son?"  Asked Bill.

"Only if the name Dennis Warfiield means anything."  I said.

"Mr. Clark, please wait for me in my office."  Said Bill to Archie.  Archie
looked daggers at me as he slumped into the office.

"Now, how may I help you, Sir?"  Asked Bill.

"If it's okay, Auggie was very nice to us; can he help us?"

"Of course."

"And -- please understand: I don't want anything to go to Mr. Clark from
this sale -- Bill."  I said, shaking his hand.

"Neither do I.  Archie is a good motivator, but sometimes he is overly
judgmental of some customers.  But you must understand ... he's my
brother-in-law ... "  He smiled sadly.  Maybe he was just relieved that I
didn't demand Archie's resignation.

We drove to 20th and K in style.  There was a parking place right in front
of The Depot.  We walked in and there was a long bar with a couple video
screens going above it -- of sexy guys dancing or posing.  In the back room
were a pool table, and a dart board, plus a door outside as well as another
to another bar.

There were mostly young people outside, so we headed there.  It was the
smoking area.  We went back in.  We really felt like tourists, as no one
paid us any attention.  In their defense, we may have appeared to be
together.  We went across the street to a larger complex, with a regular
bar, with another outside smoking area, another patio, a country and
western dance floor, and a karaoke bar -- Faces Nightclub, it was called.

Nate pulled me on to the C&W dance floor, where several cowboy looking guys
were already gyrating to the C&W music.  Two guys had seasoned looking
cowboy hats on and as they were topless, we could see a very hairy chest on
the older looking one, and the younger one -- looked younger than I -- was
smoothchested, and with 6-pack abs.  Another was in no more than a hat, and
some skimpy cut off jeans ... and boots!  He was skinny but - cute!  The
others looked the part of cowboys.  As we danced, one of the guys came up
to my front and rubbed himself on me.

We then went to the karaoke bar and Nate showed me that he could sing!  He
sang a C&W tune I never heard before.  Everyone was laughing and having
fun.  But ... again -- except for the flirty cowboy -- who was way too old
for me -- no one acted interested in saying anything.  I suppose that our
own shyness worked against us as well.  We called it an early night, and
went back to the Manor.

When we rang the bell, we were taken to the den, where Uncle Dick had
invited our dad and Bunny's dad for the evening.  They were involved at the
pool table, playing a game of cutthroat.  "Early night for you guys, huh?
Wanna challenge the winner?"  Asked Uncle Dick.

Naw, I'm kinda tired, I said, yawning.  I think I'll just get myself to
bed."

"You might like your brother to stay with you.  I know that Richard would
insist you use his room."  Added Uncle Dick.

"Actually," my pop said, "Nate at least should come back with us to the
hotel.  We'll be leaving in the morning for Milwaukee."

"Oh -- about that, Pop.  Joshy wants me to drive back with him."

"Drive back ... in what?"

"I bought an Xterra this afternoon."

"You what?!!"  Said my dad.  "And how were you planning to pay for this --
this car?"

"Actually the boy has plenty" Said Uncle Dick.  Pop looked at him as if we
were all crazy.  "His stepfather provided well for him."

"Nate, the plane fare is non-refundable."  Said our dad.

"What airline?"  Asked Uncle Dick.

"United."

"I'll fix it for you.  Let the boys have their fun.  God knows it will not
last forever."  Said Uncle Dick.  I never knew his to be so warm and
friendly.  Maybe he felt secure now -- with Richard "safely" married.

When we got up to Richard's room, Nate said, "I have been meaning to ask
you about something, Joshy."

"What's that?"

"Well, I was really disappointed that you didn't come to my graduation from
the Point."

"Gosh, I sure wanted to -- what with both you and Richard graduating.  Had
I known what I know now, I would have.  But I didn't want to quit the
Burger Palace.  They've been awfully nice as it is, giving me time off."

"Are you okay with Richard?"

"What?"  I said, not willing to immediately admit what I was feeling.

"You're my brother, Joshy.  I saw you several times -- probably thinking no
one was watching.  You looked -- um -- well -- pretty hurt -- that Dennis
was being married.  You really -- um -- love him, don't you?"

I clouded up and said, quietly, "Yes.  I have to ask YOU something now."  I
said, wanting to get the subject off me.

"Anything, Bro!"  He said, smiling.

"Did you and Rich -- ever -- do anything?"

After a long pause, he said, "Um -- well -- yeah."

"It's okay.  Neither of you had any way of knowing there could be a
connection."  I said.  "What -- did you do?"

"Joshy -- you shouldn't be hurting yourself this way.  I can tell this is
painful.  He's married now.  Just try to forget."

"I want to know, Nate.  What did you do?"

He took my hand and let me to the bed, pulling me down to sit next to him.
He held both my hands, looked into my eyes and said, "Pretty much
everything."

"So he was pretty -- um -- sexually active -- at the point?"

"I don't think so.  I was!  I was the one who drew him out.  He was pretty
shy -- at first."

"Oh."

"Is that good?"  Asked Nate.

"Uhm -- oh!  Yeah, I guess."

Nate and I could not sleep together without touching, but all we did was
cuddle.  I think he knew I was not ready.  And he had promised Seth not to
push me.



The next morning, I called my boss and thanked her for all she'd done for
me and told her I would not be coming back to work.  And as this all
happened right after graduation, Nate didn't have a job yet.  With two
weeks to get back home, then to the Pennsylvania reception, we took our
time driving to Wisconsin.

We went to my parents' hotel to say good bye.  They ooed and awed over my
new car.  We took them to Sacramento International, and when we dropped
them off, I headed to the stores in Roseville that Richard had taken me
too.  I bought us both very hot and stylish traveling clothes, then he
asked me where I had my hair done.

I knew it was south of 80 on J street.  We found it.  The white haired guy
was there.  I tipped him largely and he quickly gave Nate a twin cut to my
own.

My mother asked me to stay in California, but my life was in Wisconsin.  My
only reason to have moved to California was on his honeymoon in the south
seas.  And -- sorry to say -- even though I have forgiven my mother -- I
don't feel all that close to her.  I asked if maybe she wanted to come to
Wisconsin.

"Brrrr!" Was all she replied.

The next morning My brother and I were off across country in my new Xterra.
Our first stop would be Lake Tahoe.  Lake Tahoe in June is gorgeous.  From
the shore you can see bands of colors, as it gets deeper, starting out with
almost yellow near the shallows close to the shore, then greens, down to
deep blue where it is the deepest.

We drove around the lake, getting to Carson City, Nevada.  We took highway
395 south, taking a short detour to Virginia City, a city made by the
silver era.  Mark Twain published a news paper there for a time.

395 quickly returned us to California, where we drove through the Tioga
Pass to Yosemite, to see the great Half Dome and El Capitan rock
formations, as well as Yosemite Falls, then down through Kings Canyon and
Sequoia National Parks.  Devil's Postpile was eerie!

You may wonder why we went south before going east.  Two words: Las Vegas!

After driving through Death Valley, the driest, hottest and lowest place in
the USA.  It is 282 feet below sea level.  From the lowest place you can
see the highest peak in California -- and the continental USA, Mt. Whitney,
at 14,505 feet above sea level.  After visiting "Scotty's Castle" which we
learned never belonged to "Scotty" and it wasn't a castle ... we drove to
Las Vegas.

I was too young to gamble, but that wasn't why we went to Vegas, anyway.
Both Nate and I were completely blown away by all the casinos.  When I
think of a casino, I think of a place to play gambling games. But these
places were much more than that.  Each was a hotel compound, with a city in
the basement.  You can buy anything ... and almost anyone -- you want -- in
Las Vegas.

Las Vegas is in the desert, and it is desert hot all summer, but these
places are of course all climate controlled.  Not only that, but they had
ceilings painted like the sky, and one of them even had periodic rainstorm
... where we actually got wet!

We felt more at home in Vegas than anywhere I've ever been ... at least
where it concerned being gay.  In the first place, no one cared, and
besides that, there were so many obviously gay people everywhere we looked.
Guys walking around, holding hands, kissing ... some of course making a
spectacle of themselves.  We stayed at a place called the Bellagio.  It has
a wonderful, very large fountain in front of it where the shooting water
was choreographed to music.  It could have actually been quite romantic.

We stayed only one night there, in the most luxurious room I have ever
seen.  It had a Jacuzzi tub in the bathroom big enough for two, with a TV
on the wall.  That was the closest we came to doing anything sexual with
each other.  We got in the bath tub, and as I sat between Nate's legs, I
fell asleep -- we both did.  When the timed water jets stopped, we woke up
and the water had cooled considerably.  We got out and went to the almost
locker room sized shower.

"Hey, Bro!"  Said Nate.  "Wash my back, Huh?"

I soaped up one of the wash clothes and started to wipe it over his back.
"Oooo -- that feels great.  Push harder, though."

I couldn't push harder without putting my arm around his chest and pulling
at the same time.  I couldn't help noticing his raging wood.  I ignored it
and scrubbed his back.  When I got to the small, he said, "Mmmmm -- that
feels great, Joshy!  Go on down and get my butt -- I'll do you after."

I knew what he was talking about and though I had already decided not to do
anything, when he said he'd do me ... it affected me more than I realized.
As I scrubbed his butt, he added, "Ohh -- that's a little rough.  Use your
hand!"

It brought me to full mast as I rubbed his soft skinned butt.  I couldn't
help squeezing and massaging it.  I saw pre ooze from his bone, and felt
some warming inside my hood as well.  He then turned and wrapped his arms
around me and kissed me.  I didn't even hesitate this time.  I was
thoroughly horned up and just kissed him back with as much lust as he
showed me.

Our soapy bodies were slipping against each other in a most delicious way.
He looked into me eyes and then kissed me again.  Then, breathing hard, he
said, "Please, Joshy -- we may never get this chance again."

I pulled him in close and hugged him tight.  Our stuff was mashed together.
I pulled his head into my neck and said, "No, Nate.  Let's not do anything
more -- please?"

"Josh, I promised Seth not to push you, but -- well -- if you change your
mind, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas!"

I was not overly worried about what Seth thought.  But I didn't tell him
that I was trying to kind of save myself for Zach.  I knew if I did, he'd
start asking about our relationship and truly -- I can't really answer him.
I'm not bound to Zach -- really -- but I think it would hurt him if I did
anything.

Again we cuddled all night.  In the morning, before we got up, he rolled
over on his back and just started to wank.  It was not as if we'd never
done that many times when we roomed together.  But now -- in the morning --
in the semi light -- it really got my already hard boner going.

"Aren't you gonna join me?  You GOTTA be as horny as I am, bro!"

I didn't answer, except to start pumping myself.  I worried about what
Richard had done, but before I built up enough steam, Nate was moaning
loudly, his nectar spraying on to both of us.  When he was finished, I
started.  He didn't do what Richard had done that night, but he just leaned
in and kissed me as I was cumming.  It was pretty awesome.

"It's great to have a brother I can share anything with!"  He said, as he
crawled over me.  I thought he was going to get off the bed, but instead he
lowered himself down onto me, our cum drenched bodies warming to each
other's touch.  "I do love you, Joshy!"

"I love you too, Nate."

"Can we always reserve at least this for each other?"

"I -- um -- dunno."  I said.  "I think I'd feel somewhat funny if my
boyfriend still wanted to -- um -- do this kind of thing with his brother."

"I -- um -- guess I see that."  He answered, in his usual quick recovery
mode.  I know it hurt him though.

"But," I added, "We can do it while we travel together -- this trip!"

He collapsed on me and nuzzled my neck, then popped out of bed and ran to
the shower.  I let him finish before cleaning myself up.  All the time I
lay there waiting, I was trying to justify what I had just told him ... and
what we had just done.

We drove up through the native American places in New Mexico.  There were
already posters up for a big Indian nation celebration in mid-August.  The
Ozarks were beautiful.  We were warned on a website to steer clear of doing
anything remotely gay while in anyone's sites, there.

We saw so many places, and I wrote extensively in my journal.  (It was my
personal journal that Seth asked me to write in each day.  I'm not sure he
wanted me to write as much as I did.  I told about everything!)

We of course kept in contact with our dad.  I looked forward to getting
back home a few days, before going to Pennsylvania for the other wedding
reception.  I tried not to dwell on it, but I had to admit to myself that
Zach wasn't the only reason I kept myself from getting into more with my
brother.  The real reason was Nate himself.

It's so confusing sometimes.  Does everyone always want someone ... who
wants someone else?  My first choice would be Richard.  I try not to think
about how much I love him.  I thought I forgot about him, even though I
dreamed about him regularly.  But that was the 14-year-old Richard.  When
the 22-year-old Richard came back into my life ... for me at least ... it
was as if he never left.  Every feeling I had for him then was the same
... except more so.  At 19 years old, my hormones are so much stronger, and
Richard ... Oh my GOSH!  He is sooo much more -- EVERYTHING -- than he was
when we were younger.

I would love to have my brother ... for my boyfriend.  Nate still makes my
insides quiver.  I know that he still has a problem with actually being my
boyfriend, though.  He wants to play, but ... he only wants to play as
brothers.  I can't emotionally keep it that way with him.  I want more.

But ... James on the other hand ... We're so different ... I think.  I
don't mind playing with him ... sometimes.  It doesn't hurt with him --
when we stop.  Oh ... crap!  I wonder if he ... if he feels the same about
me -- as I feel about Nate.  He's always ready to do anything he can to "be
there" for me.  Is that fair to him?  It is "really" as okay as he says?

Our first night back in Milwaukee, things were back to normal ... except
that I insisted on paying my way.  I asked if it was okay to stay -- in my
bedroom -- for awhile.

"You stay as long as you like, Joshua!"  Said Mom.

I looked at my Dad.  He looked all choked up and said, "What she said!"

I truly felt like I had a real mom!

Later that night, as I was lying on my back, almost asleep. thinking about
my trip and what to do next, I heard my door quietly open.  It was dark in
the hall.  He came and knelt beside the bed as he usually does.

"Hi."  I said.

"Hi."  He said.  "You okay?"

I hesitated too long before saying, "Yeah."

"Move over."  He said.

James slipped under my covers and lay his arm over my chest, and lay his
hand on my face.

"James?"

"Yeah?"

"Please tell me the truth."

"What?"

"Um -- you know how I love Nate?"

"I ... think -- um -- I think so."  He said.  "Um -- what -- um - "

"Is that how you feel about me?"

Notes: Why does love have to be so complicated?  Is it always that way?  It
must be harder for people who have been abused as children.  Comments are
welcome.