Date: Mon, 5 Jan 2009 18:30:22 +0000
From: Steve Thomas <stevethomas535@hotmail.com>
Subject: Growing up Joshua, Chapter 30

Growing up Joshua This is a work of pure fiction, but based on the author's
feelings,beliefs, and in some cases, experience.  Come to think of it -- it
mightnot be all that pure! There may be graphic sexual encounters at
timesbetween males, so if this offends you, you are invited to retreat.  If
youare too young or it is otherwise illegal for you to be reading this
kindif story, shame on you for reading it - - please stop here.  If not, -
-ENJOY!  Cast of characters:

Joshua Alan Black II
Barbie Warfield -- my mother
Dennis Warfield -- my stepfather

Richard -- My favorite Cousin
Ray and Raul -- Richards' younger brothers.

Nate Willows  -- My first roomie.

James Meriwether -- Mid-year Transfer

Seth Gary -- My therapist.
Luke  -- Seth's partner. (Lukamaiola Makamakahaiiolioli)

Jake -- Seth's Cousin
Colin -- Jake's partner
Uri -- Jake and Colin's Son
Ursula -- Jake and Colin's Daughter

Chris -- Seth's brother
Craig -- Chris's partner

Rob -- Seth's "big brother" (not really, but ... )
Denny -- Rob's partner.
Greta -- one of Rob' and Denny's 4 kids.

Uncle Jake Smith -- Jakes father and the Smith Patriarch
Aunt Lindy -- Jakes Mom
Etta -- The Smith's housekeeper

Ren (Lawrence) Smith Family Friend
Lenny (Leonard) Ren's partner.

Bobby -- Colin's brother

Donny -- Seth's patient
Randy -- Donny's cousin


>From Chapter 29:

I hyperventilated and then, being in the arms of Seth and Luke, two guys
that I trusted my life with -- and loved -- I let out a long wail.  They
rocked me back and forth, kissing my neck, humming and cooing to me.  "Let
it our, Josh!  You deserve to let it out.  You're doing fine.  We love you.
You will find someone else -- soon I believe.  Said my Seth.

I was in the midst of wondering what crystal ball Seth was peering into
when it occurred to me: I never as much as even told Randy that he could
call me Josh!

Chapter 30

Before, when I had disappointments and heartbreak, I escaped -- so I didn't
feel it to the full extent.  I had never felt this great expanse of loss --
the hurt ... ohhhh the exquisite pain that you can't dull!  You can't
scratch it, hit it, rub it away.  And worse that that, sometimes you have
to act like there's nothing wrong.  Seth explained to me that this one
thing was maybe the hardest.  No one felt what he felt when he went through
his hell, several years before, and he could not even explain it.  That was
what drove him to do what he did.

But he and Luke stayed close to me and hugged me and ... loved me!  Some
times in the middle of the night, as I lay bereft on my bed, feeling sorry
for myself, and wondering if this was what life was like -- and drenching
my pillowcase -- they would quietly come in to me and surround me with
their love.  Their hugs, their warmth, their chaste but tender kisses
... their LOVE ... lifted me up when I was in a deep hole.

But they couldn't take me out of it.  I wanted to die, but I know that was
not the answer.  I could tell that Seth was watching me closely.  I started
to fantasiz about him again.  I thought about the trip to Central America
and fantasized about Luke.  He didn`t just play with me -- he actually let
himself love me -- and though I was always aware that he could not ever be
mine, what we did was something I may always dream about.

I locked my door so that no one might steal in and change my sheets.  I
could at least still smell Randy there!  I would fall on my bed sometimes
and bury my face in his pillow and breath deep, seemingly absorbing his
essence for a moment.

In time, his odor went away.  I cried anew, just realizing that!  I dreamed
about James and again felt guilty that he probably loved me more than I did
him ... and that was because I wanted the forbidden fruit of my brother and
my cousin so much, I forsook the wonderful guy that was under my nose.  Is
this what life is?  Is this what we are created for?  I knew that was not
so, but I still wondered.

And what ABOUT Richard and Nate?  They permeated most of my thoughts --
whenever I thought about Randy, their images came to me again -- as if to
rub salt in my gaping wound.

They say time heals all wounds.  I found myself hoping that was so, but not
really believing it.  How could anything so exquisitely painful ever stop?
How could I ever return to normal?  What IS normal, anyway?  I prayed that
this was NOT normal -- for me.

Donny started to bring Randy to his appointments.  After two bouts of very
awkward times with Randy, I found it easier to just hide when I know they
were coming.  They would go to Rob's and ride all around the property.  I'd
spy on them from the window, as they rode and laughed and played together.
They rode ... I cried.  They plaYed and I cried.  They laughed ... and I
cried.

Weeks seemed to pass like years.  Seth got worried and upped my own
sessions with him.  "You have to get out, Josh!  I've seen you watch them
as they are playing.  Josh -- that's just not healthy!  My brother wants
you to come to his place on Friday night to meet a guy that he and Jake
seem to think is cool.  Do you think you're ready for that?"  Then before I
could answer, he said, "I told them that you'd be there.  Sorry, but the
Doctor knows best!"

I dreaded Friday.  When I thought Seth wasn't looking, I still spied on
Donny and Randy.  It was becoming an obsession.

Friday morning, Luke knocked on my door.  It was pretty late in the morning
and they were concerned.  I was awake, but could not drag myself out of
bed.  I know -- classic depression symptom.  I knew what I was doing, but I
just didn't care!  Luke came and sat on the floor by my bed.

"I didn't realize how much I have come to love you, Josh."  He said.  "You
are like -- well -- closer than a brother to me.  I'm worried about you.  I
wasn't around when Seth -- well -- you know -- but I expect he felt
somewhat like you are feeling.  It hurts him to see you like this, and I am
pretty sure he is reminded of Brian and the hurt he felt.  Won't you please
get up and come to breakfast?

"I went over the Jake and Colin's this morning, and I met Stefan."  He
continued.  "He's from the Ukraine, and looks like a grown up version of
Uri!  He's almost too beautiful to be a guy.  He's a bit older than you
are, and like Uri, has very curly blond hair -- that comes to his collar.
I usually don't like long hair on a guy, but this is amazing.  He is Uri
and Ursula's uncle."

"Oh."  I said.

"Hey!  I need to drive over to Burlington this morning.  I hate that drive
alone!  Will you go with me?"  I shrugged.  "Good -- we don't have time for
breakfast -- we'll grab some on the way.  Get yourself dressed."

Rather than leave me to my own preparations, he sat on the bed and made
small talk -- I guess to make sure I followed through.  Undressing
... showering in front of these guys was so natural neither of us thought
anything of it.

It was early fall and the days were getting cooler, but today was looking
like a bright, hot day.  I took my cue from Luke who had on shorts and a
ribbed tee.  We hopped into his sports car and left within 10 minutes.

What he needed in Burlington was some clothing -- he SAID -- for himself.
But I soon figured out that he was doing this for me.  We bought an outfit
-- for me -- to wear to Jake and Colin's tonight!  It was a loose orange
camp tee from REI and a brown pair of cargo pants.  He also coaxed me to
buy a light weight tan, unlined silk jacket.  "You really look stylin'!"
He said.  Getting some new clothes made me feel a little more in the mood
for this evening.

We were walking out of the mall when I heard, "Joshua!  Joshua Black!"

I turned and saw my uncle ... Dennis's brother ... Richard's dad.  I
quickly assessed what I was wearing.  Hmm ... not too gay looking, at least
-- even though Luke, who still had his short shorts and muscle tee on --
could not say the same.  My uncle quickly closed the distance between us.
He had never been all that warm toward me, and I wondered -- a lot of
things.

"Uncle Dick!  You're the last person I would have expected to see!"  I
exclaimed.  "What're you doing here in Vermont?"

"I have some business.  I was hoping to contact you while I was here, but
this is quite providential!"

"You?"  I said, maybe a little too incredulously, "You wanted to contact
me?"

"Yes -- well, I was going to call you first, but I did want to see you.
May I take you and your - - friend - - out to lunch?"

"Oh, I`m sorry!"  I said, trying desperately to think of how to introduce
Luke.  Silly overload!  "You remember Seth, my therapist?  This is his life
partner, Luke Makamakahaiiolioli."

"That was impressive!"  Said Luke, grinning.

"I've been practicing!"  I said with momentary pride.  "Anyway, this is my
Uncle Dick."  I said to Luke.  Then turning back to my uncle, I continued,
"We were just doing some shopping.  How're Richard and Bunny doing?"

"That's what I wanted to talk to you about.  Shall we go to lunch?  The
restaurant in my hotel is excellent."

"Uncle Dick!  Please tell me if Richard is okay at least!"

"He's ... okay ... as far as that goes, but -- well -- let me fill you in
over lunch."

We went to the posh restaurant in his hotel.  He paid for a splendid buffet
and as soon as we all had filled our plates, he said, "First of all -- Josh
-- if I may call you that -- I want to apologize for being -- well --
pretty much as my name suggests -- a dick!  You know I didn't approve of
you and Richard -- I mean your -- um -- closeness.  I was wrong in that,
and I have only recently come to realize how wrong!"

"Is Richard all right?"  I asked impatiently.

"Yes ... and no."

"Why -- what's wrong?"

Uncle Dick looked over at Luke and I said, "Luke and Seth are close
friends.  You can say anything in front of Luke."

"Richie has been having fits of depression since his split with Bunny."

"What??!!  They -- what - ?  Split up?  Already?  What happened?"

Again he looked nervously at Luke, then went on, "Well, she was -- how can
I put it delicately?  Um -- there IS no way to put it delicately -- she's a
bitch!  Richie's mother found her -- or rather her family -- and set up the
meeting and -- well, you probably already knew that Richie was coerced into
the marriage.  Well, that wasn't his mother's doing!  To my shame -- it was
mine!  I just put her up to arranging the details.  Richard was not to take
over the business unless he married a woman."

"Yes -- I knew that."  I said.

"Well, they didn't even make it happily through the honeymoon.  Richie
couldn't do anything right.  I don't mean he did anything wrong, but she
was -- the only way to say it is ... a bitch!  Everything had to be her
way!  We should have seen it before they were married: She was as spoiled
brat at home.  Your aunt and I never wanted Richard to be miserable!  He
was trying to please her, to please us and ... balance all that with his
new responsibilities in the business.  They got the marriage annulled 3
months ago."

"Why -- why -- why didn't he call me -- or -- or -- something?"  I said,
knowing I was more distraught than I wanted to appear.

"We -- well -- his mother -- suggested that he contact you.  He refused.
He said he had already messed up your life enough.  Running into you -- as
I was -- was quite providential!  Now I don't even have to lie, when I tell
him I ran into you!"

"Uncle Dick -- does he have the same cell number?"

"No.  He carries an iPod that is a company number -- that's all."

"Well, give me the number -- I'll contact him!"

"That may not be a good idea.  I know my son.  He may say something that
will set up his pride and then he won't let his guard down.  Let me tell
him I just happened to run into you -- which now is quite true -- and - "

"And you give him my card!"  I said.  I whipped out a card with all my
current contact info on it -- as well as my address at the Smith Compound.
But if he doesn't call in a week, I'll call him!  What's his number?"

Uncle Dick looked wary about giving it to me, but then said, "I guess I
need to let Richie grow up sometime!"  And he gave me the number, which I
entered into my blackberry.  He made me promise to wait the week.  "I'll
tell him today that I ran into you.  And -- I have to warn you -- he's a
shadow of his former self.  Worry and that bitch and her family's ragging
have worn him down.  Talking to you may just be what he needs.  But --
don't hold your breath.  He was a stubborn boy -- and he's every bit as
stubborn as a man."

I could see the worry in my uncle's face.  I decided to take him at his
word.  He gave me what approached being a hug before we parted.

"That was interesting."  Said Luke.  "What did you make of it?"

"Richard and I were always close.  I really don't think he wants to get
close again -- well not as close as we used to be.  But I'll call him in a
week or so -- to see if there's anything I can say or do to make him feel
better.  For now let's get through this dinner party at Chris and Craig's!

I got home and the more I prepared -- the more excited I got.  I shaved
with my Norelco and then took a shower and shaved again with a quad-blade.
My skin felt as smooth as a baby's butt!

The more I primped, the edgier I got.  I tried to imagine the adorable face
of Uri, with those long blond curly locks, in a grown up body.  I wondered
how much English he spoke.  My shaggy hair crept in trails down my neck.  I
worried about that, but both Seth and Luke said I looked like something out
of a fashion magazine.  Of course they were exaggerating!  They had to be
just pumping me up!

Seth and Luke were invited to the dinner party too, as well as the rest of
the Smith clan, including Stefan's sisters -- the mothers of all the kids
that were adopted on the compound.  He apparently had only recently come
out as gay.  He had lost contact with his sisters during the wars after the
break up of the Soviet Union.  This night was their first reunion since he
was a teenager.  Luke told me that he was at least ten years younger than
either of his sisters.

I had grown quite fond of Jake and Colin's kids.  At 11, Ursula was a
little princess -- and looked the part -- especially this night.  Uri was
13-years old -- going on 21!  He looked like a cross between Corey Haim and
David Cassidy at that age -- but not as gay looking as either of them --
even with his long golden blond curls.  He was all man!  But he still
didn't mind hugging his dads and uncles.  He treated me like one of the
guys -- which of course he knew I wasn't!

I looked around unabashedly in every direction -- to see if I could see
their Uncle Stefan.  As it turned out, we got there earlier than he and his
sisters did.  When they did get there, I was mesmerized by his looks!  He
indeed looked an older version of Uri -- but also a lot like a young Heath
Ledger.  He smiled sweetly at me and I almost melted -- even knowing he
smiled at everyone like that!  His grin was contagious.

Chris set us next to each other at the dinner table, so we got to know each
other.  His English was quite broken, but we were able to communicate quite
well.  He was letting his leg touch mine frequently, and then quite out of
the blue, he said, "Um -- so -- Craig says dat you may be able to show me
around -- and uhhhhm -- dat you are - - - "

"Gay?"  I said.

"O my Gott!  You say dat so easily!"

"It takes a little getting used to!"  I said.

"Huh?"  He said, not getting the meaning.

"It -- um -- wasn't easy -- for me -- at first, either."

"I am staying mit my sisters -- for now -- but will need to find a place of
my own.  Do you know of any?"  "You can come stay with me!"  I thought.  I
tried not to let any drool slip past my lips!  I shook my head, and said,
"No, but I could help you look, if you wanted?"

"Dat would be very kind of you."

"Have you -- um -- seen much of the Compound?"

"The -- what?"

"This property -- have you walked around it?"

"No.  I did not want to be presumptuous."

"Would you like me to show you around?"  I asked.

"That would not be necessary -- but if you have the time - "

"I not only have the time -- but I have the inclination!"  I said.

"I'm afraid you are using words I have not learned yet.  I am sorry."

"I only meant -- it would be my pleasure!"  I said.

He gave me another of his delicious smiles.

We left the house shortly after dessert, and walked back toward Rob's
stables.  "You like Horses?"

"Oh yes!  I was in a cavalry unit in the old country.  I love horses!"  I
led him into the stables.  The last vestige of sunlight was creeping across
the ceiling, as the sun was falling fast behind the western tree line.  He
took a step toward me.  I closed the gap and our lips met.  He kissed me
tentatively then pulled back.

"Thank you for da compliment, sir.  But I am having a partner to join me
from Europe -- as soon as I get myself established.  I mean -- a kiss is
only what it is, yes?  -- But I felt that it may have been more -- to you
-- dan it was to me."

I was profusely embarrassed.  What a stupid thing to do!  I hardly knew
this guy!  "Well -- er -- duh -- I mean - "

"I understand.  I don't understand English all dat well, but I kind of set
that up.  I didn't mean to, and it was quite welcome, but -- should go no
further den dat."

"Josh?"  I heard and turned.  My mouth dropped open, and I was speechless.
He quickly closed the distance between us -- as his father had done
earlier.  He stopped short of touching me.  "Hello.  I'm Richard Warfield
-- Josh's cousin."  He said to Stefan.  "I just wanted to see for myself.
Dad told me - "

"Richard!  What are you doing here?  I mean - - that is -- I only was your
dad a few hours ago!  How could you - ?"

"I was actually in Dad's hotel room.  I wanted my dad to try to ascertain
if -- well -- if you have a boyfriend -- but he couldn't do that without
giving me away.  But I can see with my own eyes.  You and - " He indicated
Stefan.  "I didn't catch your name Sir.  But whoever you are -- you're very
lucky to have a guy like Joshua."

"Stefan is his name but -- we are not -- what you think.  I very stupidly
tried to kiss him -- trying to be romantic and all that -- and he just told
me that he has a boyfriend in the Ukraine.

"So -- where is YOUR boyfriend tonight, Cuz?"

"I have none."  I said, and I looked down.

He lifted my chin and said, "Yes -- you do!  He's standing in front of you.
If you will have him -- after he has hurt you so much, he'd promise to
cherish you forever!"

"I tink dat my sisters vill vunder where I may be.  I vill be goink beck to
Mr. Chris's house now.  Nice to meet you both."  Said Stefan, making his
exit.

My older cousin grabbed me and kissed me almost desperately.

I didn't kiss him back.

He withdrew and said, "I was afraid of that.  I told Dad you would probably
not even want to see me -- after what I've done to you!"

I was almost in a trance -- stunned would be an appropriate word.  I looked
blankly at him while what he said began to form something intelligible in
my brain.  It must have been only a moment, but seemed like an hour!  He
was looking dejectedly at the floor, when I gently raised his chin and
looked into his tear-streaked face.  Mine was overflowing too.  "If -- if
-- IF I will have you?!!  Richard - - I have wanted no one more -- ever in
my life -- than I've wanted you!  Every guy that I've ever dated was a
substitute to you -- and had to stand a comparison ... to you!  And all of
them -- even my brother -- couldn't possibly come up to your standard!  I
have always loved you with all my heart!"

I then grabbed him -- before what I said had time to really register in HIS
brain and I smiled into his shining eyes, and then kissed him deeply.  He
kissed me back!  "How -- how did you find me -- out here in the stables?"
I asked.

"When I came to the gate, I dialed in and told them who I was.  They rang
me in, but no one told me there were so many houses here.  As I was slowly
driving around the circle, I couldn't miss your profile -- even 75 yards
away, I'd know the man I love!  I saw that you were walking with another
guy.  I also saw that you weren't holding hands and then as I walked up --
you kissed him."

"Oh, Rich -- I can't tell you what turmoil I've been through in the last
couple years.  Well, you know SOME of it, but I have considered some pretty
insane things, including ... well, I don't want to go there ... now.  But
now I know why none of the guys I have met were the right ones.  I guess --
I mean -- I really believe -- the universe was preserving me -- for you."

"And vice versa!"  Said Richard.  "Josh, I can't even describe what hell it
was putting up with Bunny's crap.  I now know why here father wanted so
much to get her out of his house -- and also -- why he drinks so heavily.
He's really a decent guy when out and away from those women.

"But -- what do you care about HER family ... I know I don't ... now!  I
have always loved you, Cuz!  More than I admitted to myself.  And now that
my dad see's that the world won't beat a path away from his company's door
just because the CEO might be gay -- he's completely okay with it too.  I
don't know how much he told you, but Bunny made life hell for him too."

"He DID tell me.  He didn't want to even suggest to YOU that you leave her,
but ... he was happy when you did."

"Actually she left me --... when I told her I was gay!"

We both laughed until we cried over that -- but mostly it was a tension
reliever.

Epilogue:

Josh and Richard didn't stay at the Smith Compound or anywhere nearby, but
rather went to stay in the Warfield Manor, in the foothills of Sacramento
California.  Josh learned to love the place he hated going to when he was a
boy!  Josh and his uncle Dick -- once Dick accepted that his own son was
gay -- hit it off very well.

His aunt was another story, but she behaved herself.  Of course she was
disappointed that her Eldest would not be giving her grandchildren, but
then after living a few months in the Smith Compound gave Josh some ideas
about that!

Josh and Richard visited Wisconsin and Vermont often, and Josh learned a
lot from Seth, which added to his own studies at UC Davis -- where he
graduated in psychology.  Since he didn't need the money, he was content
with that, and tried to model his practice after his mentor, Dr. Seth Gary.

The End