Date: Tue, 27 Jul 1999 15:58:15 -0400 (EDT)
From: sliders21@iname.com
Subject: hidden-desires-in-ny-3 (college)

Note: There was a lot of typographical errors in part 2 and I hope that
this one won't have that many. I've gotten a lot of mails and I wanna say
thanks to all of you written. Someone wrote me that I shouldn't have the
characters drive cars since the story is in New York so I'll have them use
taxis and subways to get around.

Note: I know it's irritating when I shift from the first person to the
thrid person. I try not to do that but like I said, I'm more used to using
the third person. I'll try to get someone to proofread my stories so I can
correct all of my mistakes. I read this one and I didn't find any
mistakes. At least I think I didn't find any.

			   ********************

		      Hidden Desires in New York - 3

			       By Sliders21

			   ********************

	I was picking my food absent-mindedly while I was debating whether
I should come out of the closet or not. I couldn't fool myself anymore into
thinking that I was happy pretending to be straight. I probably could hide
my homosexuality for long time. But should I sacrifice my happiness just
for the sake of avoiding all the consequences of coming out?  I was so lost
in my own thoughts, I didn't see Stephen coming up to me until he placed
his tray on the table and sat down opposite me.

	" I hope you won't freak out and start yelling at me again like you
always do, " Stephen joked lamely but I just stared at him with a slight
annoyance in my face. His face became serious as he said softly, " I just
wanted us to be friends Jason. "

	" Sorry if I was very rude to you before but as you probably know
by now, I have some very big problems and I couldn't care less if I come
off as an asshole to anyone, " I said to him as I tried to control my
emotions. I really wanted to lash out at him harshly so he won't act very
concerned for me anymore and give up his insane idea to use me to get my
cousin to bed. But looking at him right now, I can't help but feel like he
meant all he had said to me.

	" That's why we're here Jason, " Stephen said to me softly. " I
know you don't consider me a friend but Sarah's very worried about you. You
know she'll help you out no matter what. Josh seemed to be very concerned
about you also. You need friends during a time like this. "

	" You know what I really need in my life right now? " I said as I
stood up and glared at him angrily. " I need to be left alone by
people. Especially people that I barely even know and who's trying to get
Sarah into bed by pretending to be a knight-in-shining-armor that helped
out her cousin in his time of need. I don't know if you are blind or just
plain stupid but I'm not a helpless damsel in distress. And even if I was
one, I sure the hell wouldn't accept your help!"

	I stood up and left the cafeteria in a huff. I just couldn't stand
seeing him act that way and knowing it was all an act. And if it wasn't an
act and he truly wanted to be a friend to me, I knew I did the right
thing. I was at a crossroads in my life and I don't want him to mess me up
any further by making me fall madly in love with him. I knew I was
attracted to him physically. That was very obvious from the first time I
saw him. It will just make things worse if I knew just what a nice, caring,
gentle guy he really is. If I make him a manipulative bastard then I will
forget this stupid thing I have for him a lot sooner.

			**************************

	Art is a very funny thing. I knew I suck at it. I barely can tell
violet from purple. Maybe they are just the same thing. And I easily get
bored at art museums. But as I stared at this awful painting of a girl
picking flowers, I couldn't help but feel a little relaxed. For the first
time in a long while, my mind wasn't filled with any thought other than how
repulsive that painting is.

	" You like that? " A very soft voice suddenly whispered to my ear.

	" Huh? " I said in a daze as I was brought back to reality. I saw
Shawn smiling at me as he handed me a glass of wine. I thanked him with a
smile as I accepted the glass. I nodded back to the painting and said, "
Actually, I thought that this is the most horrible painting I had ever
seen."

	" I'm glad you were able to make it, " Shawn said to me as we
walked over to the next painting. " I thought you'll go to the party
instead. "

	" Like I need to see some moronic, dumb, dull-witted guy score with
every girl in the party while I am probably in some corner, wallowing in
self-pity, " I said with a laugh.

	" You seeing anyone right now Jason? " Shawn asked me warily as we
joined a group of people. A guy was trying to explain just what the
painting meant.

	" Not that I'm aware of, " I shrugged my shoulders.

	" I never heard Josh mention you having any girlfriends, " Shawn
said to me as he looked at me expectantly, waiting for an explanation.

	" That's probably because I never had one, " I said casually as I
tried to control my nervousness. Shawn was obviously fishing for
information. I had to be very careful at what I say. I figured that the
less I say, the better so I didn't offer any more explanation to him.

	" Ohhhh, " That was all Shawn could say as we turned our attention
to the guy. He was an art critic and was saying his opinion about the
painting. I didn't even understand half of what he said.

	" You wanna ditch this and head to this cozy bar I know? " Shawn
said as we followed the group around for the next five paintings. " It's
just a few blocks away. Don't worry, it's not a gay bar or anything. What
do you say? "

	" Sure, " I said to him. " I really need some break from all this
art stuff anyway. I have to remember to bring a dictionary the next time I
go to a thing like this again. "

	We decided to walk the short distance to the bar. It turned out to
be a blues bar. We sat down on a table and listened as this lady belted out
some pretty amazing songs. Before I knew it, Shawn was telling me that we
should leave. I looked at my watch and saw that it was already midnight.

	We shared a taxi and Shawn told the taxi to take him to his place
first. Shawn was also staying off-campus and was living alone. He told me
that he figured that it was much better for him to live alone in an
apartment rather than stay at the dorms because he was gay. He didn't want
to tempt fate.

	" Ummmm, " Shawn looked at me very nervously. " You wanna come up
for a while? We could catch a late movie or something. " I looked at him
for a few seconds, deciding what I should do.

	" I guess I could come up for a while, " I said slowly. We paid the
cab and got out. Shawn lead me up to his apartment. I sat down on the couch
as he went to the bedroom. I grabbed the remote and turned on the
television. I switched the channel to HBO. Some crappy movie was playing
but I decided to wait for Shawn. He might like this.

	" You want some beer? " Shawn's voice said behind me. I turned my
head around and saw him coming from the kitchen and was carrying two
bottles of beer. But that wasn't what got my attention. Shawn was just
wearing silk boxers and a loose white shirt.

	" I--I don't drink actually, " I said as I focused my attention
back to the television. I hope he didn't catch the nervousness in my
voice. Fuck! I could feel my heart beating faster.

                         " But you drank earlier, " Shawn pointed out to me
as he placed my beer on the coffee table. I glanced at him and he gave me a
smile before he took a drink from his beer.

	" I drink during occasions like that but I usually limit myself to
a glass or two, " I said as I forced a smile. I have to stay calm. So what
if a very hot and good-looking guy is sitting besides me and he's just
wearing boxers and shirt. We are at his place and he just wants to get
comfortable. I just focused on understanding the damn movie and not on him.

	" Jason? " Shawn called out to me. I tore my eyes from the
television and looked at him. I was very surprised when I saw him move
closer to me and felt him give me a quick kiss on the lips. I pushed him
away and looked at him in shock. I couldn't say anything to him for a
while. He was also just staring at me silently.

	" You don't have to say anything Jason, " Shawn said as he moved
back close to me and placed his right hand on my legs and squeezed it
gently. " You don't even have to do anything. You can just let me do all
the work. I've always been attracted to you. " He pressed his lips on mine
again as his hand moved higher. I quickly pushed him away again.

	" Why did you do that? " I asked him hotly. I was still trying to
understand just what happened. A guy actually kissed me! Though I knew I
wanted to kiss Shawn, it just didn't feel right. I was still so confused
about coming out.

	" I--I thought that was what you wanted, " Shawn said to me
slowly. "Didn't you? "

	" What?! " I burst out loudly as I stood up. I looked at him in
disbelief as I started to get angry. I wanted him to kiss me? Yeah, maybe I
did but I never did anything tonight to make him think that. I was having a
very difficult time as it is trying to come to gripes with my sexuality
without having him force me to make that decision right now. Having sex
with a guy is a very big step for me.

	" You mean...you're not..." Shawn stammered out as he looked at me
uncomfortably.

	" I don't know what you're thinking, " I said a little icily. " I'm
here right now because you're one of the few people who makes me forget my
problems. I don't know If I gave you any signs that I wanted to have sex
with you. I thought we were just being friends and hanging out together. "

	" I--" Shawn said as tears flowed from his eyes. He began to sob
loudly. I stood there and just watched him. I wanted to sit down besides
him and put an arm around him and tell him it's ok. But I knew that I
couldn't risk doing that. He's doubting my sexuality already and I don't
dare do anything else to make him suspect me even more. So even if it tore
my heart to leave him like this, I decided to do the macho thing and just
walked out on him.

		      *******************************

	I was sitting on the dining table as I poured milk on my cereal. I
felt so terrible leaving Shawn like that last night. Even if we weren't
really friends, I never figured that I could be a cold-hearted bastard and
do a thing like that to anybody.

	 I can barely recognize myself lately. I'm not the nicest guy on
the face of the Earth but I do try to do all the right things whenever I
can. But shouting at my cousin, hating a guy I barely know and leaving
someone when he needed a friend are I wouldn't have done. At least before I
started to slide into this depression and started acting like a total
jerk. Maybe it's time I really did something instead of just worry what
could happen. But I also knew I just couldn't pick up a phone and call up
everyone I know and tell them I'm gay. As I finished my cereal, I realized
that I finally decided to come out. The question now is can I go through
with it.



**********************************

To Be Continued:

**********************************

Note: This one is a little short. I'm still trying to decide how the story
should progress. I've received some very interesting suggestions.  To tell
you the truth, I really didn't plan on writing this story. I was going to
write another one when this one came to me. That means the next one might
take a little longer to be written.

One last thing. I said I'll try to get something sexual started in this
post. Something sexual did get started but sorry if I didn't really get to
finish it. I just think it's not time yet for Jason to have sex. I hope
you'll stick around till he actually does have sex.

E-Mail: Sliders21@iname.com

Thanks again to those who wrote. I really appreaciate your e-mails.