Date: Sun, 1 Aug 1999 13:23:05 -0400 (EDT)
From: sliders21@iname.com
Subject: hidden-desires-in-ny-5 (college)

Note: here's part 5. Thanks again for all the comments you wrote me.

			    hidden desires -- 5

	"You're gay, aren't you?" I heard Josh say to me. I just stared in
shock at what he said. Shit! I stood there, frozen at what he said.  I
studied Josh's face and saw anger and something more but I wasn't sure what
it was. All I know what that he was very angry seeing me with Shawn like
that. 	


	"I should have known!" Josh said more to himself than to me. "No
wonder you don't have any girlfriends yet! You're gay!"

	"You should have known?!" I said to him in a very bitter
tone. "Just what the fuck is that supposed to mean, huh?  I never did
anything to you! I never came on to you! I never flirted with you! You have
the nerve to tell me that I'm gay?! Who the fuck do you think you are, huh?
We're not that close anymore for you to know anything about me!"

	"I'm your friend for crying out loud!" Josh said to me
frustratedly. "You should have been just honest to me and tell you are gay
and--- "

	"I'm not gay!" I said to him in a very enraged voice. We just
looked at each other for a while. His angry look gave way to a very
concerned look.

	"I'm your friend Jason and I just want to know what's wrong with
you," Josh said softly. "I know I acted like an asshole earlier with Shawn
but I heard him say that he came on to you and you didn't want it to
happen, right?  If you have a problem, why not just talk to me. We have
known each other for four years now and I consider you as a very close
friend."

	"Whatever happened between me and Shawn, it's not your problem," I
said to him bitterly. "Let me handle this on my own. I don't need you to
meddle in my life."

	"Fuck! I'm just trying to be nice to you!" Josh was starting to get
angry at me again. "If you don't want my help, fine! If you don't want to
be my friend, fine! I'll leave you alone from now on!" Josh then turned
around and walked back inside the building. I turned around also and headed
off to catch up to Shawn.  I finally caught up to him at the bus stop.

	"Hey, " I tried my best to smile as he faced me. He didn't look at
me as he greeted me back the same way. I pulled him down to the bench and
we sat there silently for a few seconds.

	"Sorry about what happened back there," I finally said to him. "I
didn't know Josh was there and would act like that."

	"He's right," Shawn said in almost a whisper. "I--I should stay
away from you."

	"I just wanted you to know that I'm still your friend, " I said
with a nervous laugh. "I told you that you were a pretty good friend to me
so far."

	"A friend who's so stupid as to do that thing Friday night," Shawn
sighed out deeply. "I'm sorry."

	"Don't you get tired saying that?" I said to him as I stood
up. "You know what you should do? You should come back to me at the Singles
party and have fun. Maybe you can even meet someone there."

	"Aren't you guys just a hetero group?" Shawn looked up at me and
finally made eye contact.

	"Not really," I shrugged my shoulders. "There are some gay people
in our group although most of the gay students like to go to the Queer
Coalition get-together. I guess they wanted to be part of our volunteer
programs."


	"I heard you guys were part of that thing where they repainted the
old library," Shawn nodded his head as he stood up.

	"One of the projects we have next month is to clean up this park
somewhere," I said to him. "You might have a better chance at hooking up
with someone in one of the QC's parties but you get to help out a lot of
people if you join us."

	"Maybe some other time," Shawn said to me softly. "Just tell me
when your next meeting is and I'll come but not right now."

	"It's cool," I nodded my head. "I'll just call you up to tell you
the details." The bus came just then and I watched him get on before
heading back to the party. When I got there, the meeting had started
already. Mark was speaking at the front while everyone was sitting down. I
saw Lisa standing at the back. I made my way to her side.

	"Hey," Lisa whispered to me as I joined her. "I heard you and Josh
were fighting outside."

	"He's being an asshole," I muttered out to her.

	"Some people were saying that he accused you of being gay," Lisa
said as diplomatically as she could before looking at me keenly.

	"He saw me and Shawn talking together and he thought I was gay," I
said to her tiredly.

	"And who's Shawn?" Lisa asked me curiously.

	"He's in the same frat as Josh and he came out sometime ago," I
said slowly. "He invited me to some art thing last Friday night and well,
ummm, we ended up at his place and..."

	"You guys ended up in bed? " Lisa whispered out to me.

	"No!" I said a little to loudly. "How could you say that!"

	"Then why did Josh get so worked up?" Lisa folded her arms as she
gave me a very interested look.

	"He heard something he shouldn't have and took it in another way,"
I said to her slowly.

	"What exactly did Josh didn't like?" Lisa asked me. I just stared
at her for a while. I didn't want to tell anyone else what happened at
Shawn's place but I also didn't want everyone to think that Shawn and I had
sex. I could take the easy way out and just tell her Shawn came on to me
and make him the bad guy.  Fuck! What should I do?

	"I--I can't tell you," I finally said frustratedly. I really wanted
to blame Shawn but I had been feeling so bad about the way I have been
acting lately. I can't do this to Shawn. I'll just feel more rotten about
myself.  I couldn't help but think how ironic it is to be outed because I
didn't want to tell everyone how some faggot came on to me.

	"Why not?" Lisa asked me suspiciously. "Something happened between
you and Shawn? Did you guys have sex? Did he try coming on to you? "

	"I don't want to talk about this right now," I hissed at her.

	"O--Okay," Lisa said slowly but she still looked at me keenly.

	Great! As if things aren't bad enough. I just hope this is the last
I hear about this Shawn business for a while.  I just focused on the
meeting which went on for another thirty minutes. After the meeting, the
party started.

	Lisa and I joined Mark and the others at the front. We discussed
some last minute business before we joined the others. I was pouring myself
some drinks when Sarah joined me.  Stephen was right behind her.

	"Jason," Sarah greeted me but she had this grim look on her
face. "Josh told me about you and Shawn."

	"What did he tell you?" I asked her slowly as my heart beat
faster. I looked at Stephen and he was avoiding my eyes. That was kinda
creepy. Did Josh tell them I was a faggot already?

	"He said Shawn tried to do something to you last Friday," Sarah
said to me. " Shit! I told you you should have just come with us to the
party and none of this--"

	"Look Sarah," I said as I looked at her eyes. "Whatever Josh told
you about what Shawn did, keep it to yourself, ok? I don't want everyone to
know that. Shawn feels bad enough as it is without him looking like some
pervert. Josh probably exaggerated anyway."

	"Let me get this straight," Sarah looked at me in shock. "You're
worried about what people will think of the guy who came on to you against
your will?"

	"It's not like he forced himself on me," I hissed at her, warning
her to lower her voice. "He just wanted to be with someone so bad and he
misread the signals I was giving off. I wanted to be with a friend that
night and he thought I wanted something much more. Nothing happened that
night. There's no need to make an mountain out of a molehill."

	" I see," Sarah said slowly as she looked at me curiously.

	"You surprise me Jason," Stephen spoke up. I looked at him in
surprise. He was looking at me very seriously.

	"Why's that?" I said to him as I put my drink down.

	"I thought you were this asshole who was always rude and sarcastic
to everyone and anyone," Stephen said to me slowly. "God knows how nice
I've been to you but you've always brushed me off and been pretty rotten to
me. I`ve already gave up with you considering everything that had
happened."

	"But you had to do this and think about someone's feelings first
before your own," Stephen continued on. "I really don't know how to act
around you anymore. I know that if I treat you nicely, you'll just be
rude. But seeing you can be very unselfish and kind, I hope that we can be
friends finally."

	I just looked at him for a while as he smiled me his smile. I
sighed out deeply and said, "I know I've been very rotten to you and to
everyone else. But don't let me fool you. I told you that I have some
problems to deal right now and I don't need your help. I can work this out
by myself. Don't think that just because I was nice once, I won't say
another biting, cynical remark against you."

	I excused myself then and mingled with the other people in the
room. I knew I did the right thing.  I just don't see myself being friends
with a straight guy I'm head over heels in love with.  I know how miserable
that feels. I deserve some break from the heartache that can cause.

			  **********************

	History class was a drag that day. The teacher gave us some pretty
hard assignments. I was sitting in a table in the library, this huge book
about Europe in front of me. I was trying to understand this article about
the German Confederation when I heard the seat opposite m being dragged. I
looked up and saw Stephen sitting down.

	"Hey," Stephen greeted me with a smile. I just nodded at him
silently before going back to what I was reading.

	"Look Jason," Stephen spoke up again. I closed the book and fixed
my gaze on his beautiful face. He was smiling at me uneasily. " I'm not
going to bother you by asking you what your problem is or say that I want
to help you. And I hope your not in a bad mood today also. I just wanted to
ask your help in answering our assignment."

	"You've been talking to Mark, huh?" I muttered out to him.

	"He might have told a few things about what you said last
Saturday," He gave me one of his smiles again. "I'm sorry if I was being a
pest before. I thought I was just being a friend. I didn't know I was
bothering you."

	"What don't you understand about the assignment?" I sighed out
deeply as I opened the book again.  He took out his notes then and we spent
the next hour or so doing our assignment.

	"You wanna grab some bite to eat?" Stephen asked me as we were
going out of the library.

	"No thanks," I answered him a little gruffly.

	"My treat," He said to me. "Aren't you even a little hungry?"

	"I don't want to seem rude again but I really don't want to eat,
ok?" I said to him as I tried to control my anger.

	"O--Okay," Stephen said slowly. We separated when we got to the
first floor main lobby. He headed to the cafeteria and I made my way to my
next class.

			  **********************

	"I told you I don't want to see some stupid movie," I said to Sarah
over the phone. It was Friday afternoon and I was watching television when
Sarah rung me up.

	"Come on," Sarah pleaded with me. "You need to lighten up
anyway. You need this. When was the last time you just had fun, huh? You've
been brooding in your apartment for weeks now. Go out! Have some fun!"

	"Fine," I sighed out deeply.

	"Great," Sarah said happily. "We'll just pick you in two
hours. We'll go to dinner before going to the theater."

	"We?" I said to her as I sat up straight. " What do you mean we?"

	"Goodnight," Sarah said with a giggle before she hung up. I placed
the phone back to it's cradle as I leaned back on the couch. We? I didn't
like this. My cousin can be very crazy and nosy sometimes. That's a
dangerous combination.

	I watched some more television before getting up and taking a long
hot shower. I was just putting on my sweater when I heard the bell ringing.
It was Sarah and I let her in.  I opened the door and went to the bathroom
to brush my hair.

	"We're here," Sarah yelled out to me. I walked back to the living
room and almost dropped dead.  This was what she meant when she said
`we'. Stephen was sitting on the couch besides Sarah who was giving me a
huge smile.

===========

To be continued

===========

Note: Some people who wrote me said that Jason was being way too rotten to
everyone around him.  I guess I loved blowing of steam by making him into a
very cynical person. Besides, just because he's the protagonist doesn't
mean he have to be nice. But thanks for pointing that out to me.


Any comments and reactions are very welcome. Write to me at:
Sliders21@iname.com