Date: Fri, 6 Aug 1999 14:21:34 -0400 (EDT)
From: sliders21@iname.com
Subject: hidden-desires-in-ny-8 (college)
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hidden desires - 8
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I couldn't believe my eyes. Stephen was holding hands with Gary!
My whole world literally stopped and I doubted every thing I ever believed
in. What the hell was he doing here of all places and holding hands with
Gary no less!
"Are you alright?" Mary asked me bewilderingly. She looked at the
door to see what grabbed my attention.
"Yeah," I said as I faced her. I had troubling breathing and my
lungs felt like it had collapsed. I looked back at the door again. This
time my eyes met Stephen's. I saw the shock in his face as he let go of
Gary's hands. His face became pale white.
"Who's the gorgeous guy?" Shelley asked me quizzically as she put
an arm around my waist. She leaned towards my ear and whispered, "Your ex?"
"Shut up," I said to her half-in-amusement, half-in-irritation.
"Isn't he one of Sarah's suitors?" Mary asked me quizzically. I
faced her and gave her a puzzled look. She explained to me that she had
seen them a couple of times eating lunch or having snacks in the campus.
"So he's straight?" Shelley asked me as she moved away slightly.
"That's what I thought," I nodded my head at her before looking
back at Stephen and Gary. Gary had seen me by now and he excused himself
from Mike and grabbed Stephen's hands and walked towards me.
"Jason!" Gary greeted me and gave me a smile. "Fancy meeting you
here. I didn't knew you were Mike's friend."
"Hey," I stood up and gave a lame smile. "I knew Mike since we were
kids. We went to the same high school. By the way, I'd like you to meet a
couple of our other high school friends, Shelley and Mary. This is Gary and
Stephen." Mary and Shelley stood up and greeted them hello.
"You guys are dating?" Mary asked them curiously. I saw Stephen
blush deeply as Gary let go of Stephen's hand. Gary just gave us a laugh.
"Mary!" I hissed at her before facing Stephen and Gary again.
"I just wanted to know who's straight and who's gay in this place,
ok?" Mary grumbled out to me.
"It's ok Jason," Gary laughed out to me. "It's not really a big
secret that I'm gay, right?"
"And what about your friend?" Mary said to him before I can stop
her.
"Why don't you ask him?" Gary said to her as he glanced around the
room. I looked at Gary quizzically because he suddenly lost his smile. I
glanced at the direction he was looking at and saw Shawn still deep in
conversation with some guys.
"Uhhhhh," Stephen cleared his throat first. I faced him and saw
that he was looking at me nervously. I avoided his eyes and just looked at
the floor. I didn't really want to hear what he was going to say.
If he was gay then there's no way he would want me considering the
way he treated me. And I'm not really sure if I wanted to pursue something
serious at this point in my life. And if he wasn't gay then I'll know that
I was right and that I'm better off forgetting my feelings for him.
"So?" Mary said a little impatiently.
"Mary!" I looked up at her and chided her. "That's not something
you just ask like that."
"We're in an engagement party for two guys, remember?" Mary said to
me sarcastically. "Most of the people in this room are gay. Like it's any
surprise if he'll say yes." Then she looked back at Stephen and gave him a
smile.. "Though I really want him to say no."
"I'm...sorry to disappoint you," Stephen said in a very soft
voice. I looked at him sharply. Suspecting that he was gay was one thing
but hearing it actually being said by him was really very surprising. "I'm
as gay as Mike or Gary."
"Damn!" Mary muttered out again. Then she gave Stephen a very sweet
smile. "And I really thought you were cute. I was very envious of Sarah
when I saw the two of you at the cafeteria at the Math building one
time. Guess I'm stuck with Jason for the night." She grabbed my arms just
then. "Come on Jason and we'll get a drink for everyone."
I looked at Stephen for a second before walking with Mary towards
the kitchen. We got five glasses of wine. As we were pouring our drinks, I
saw Mary giving me a curious look.
"You didn't know he was gay?" Mary asked me point-blank.
"No," I said slowly. "I thought he was courting Sarah or
something." We went back to the others and handed them our drinks. I
glanced at Shawn's direction again and saw that he was not with the group
of guys he was talking to earlier.
"Excuse me," I said to them before going over to Shawn's friends. I
was really worried about him considering his ex was here. And I wanted to
be alone for a while, away from Stephen. I am supposed to be happy that
he's gay and I might get a chance with him? With the way I treated him, I
blew away my chances the first day we talked. If I were in his shoes, I
wouldn't have anything to do with me.
I asked the guys where Shawn was and they told me that he went
outside to the balcony. I made my way to the balcony and saw him in a
corner, leaning over the ledge. I walked up besides him.
"You saw Gary already?" I said to him and I leaned forward and
breathed the night air.
"Yeah," Shawn said to me. I could detect some sadness in his
voice. "I thought I was over him. I guess I'm not."
"I'm sorry for asking you to come to the party with me." I faced
him and gave him a weak smile. " I really didn't know you knew Mike or that
Gary will be here."
"It's ok," Shawn sighed out deeply as he turned around and leaned
against the ledge. "I just couldn't believe that he's over me already. I
really thought we had something special but I guess I was the only one
thinking that. Why else would he be dating Stephen?" He said the last line
a little bitterly.
"You know Stephen's gay?" I looked at him in surprise.
"No," Shawn shook his head at me. "But why else
would they be holding hands?" Then he looked at me sharply. He became
beet-red. "I.I'm sorry. I.I forgot that you love---"
"Shhhh!" I said, cutting him off. "Don't say that to anyone else!
Especially to Stephen!"
"But now that we know he's gay, maybe you guys can----" Shawn said
as he looked at me bewilderingly.
"He's with Gary now and I can't just say to him that I'm gay and
expect him to drop Gary and be with me," I said as I hung my head in
shame. "Not after all the rotten things I did to him."
"You're not going to go in some bar and get drunk again, are you?"
Shawn said to me as he tried to lighten up the mood. Mary then walked out
into the balcony and told us that there was going to be a toast for the
happy couple.
"Like I really need to see some happy couple right
now," I muttered out to Shawn in a sarcastic voice as we walked back into
the apartment.
"If they'll start to say sweet nothings towards each other, I swear
that someone's going to get hurt," Shawn said to me in the same tone. I saw
Mary and Shelley was still with Stephen though Gary was with a group of
guys a little farther away. Shawn and I walked up to the three.
"I'll just get a glass," Shawn said to me as he went over to the
kitchen. Mary gave me my glass back. Mike started to say something and we
just listened for the next few minutes.
"What did Cliff do to our na‹ve, innocent, shy Michael?" I
whispered to Shelley as Mike was talking about love and happiness and
finding his one true love.
"I know," Shelley said to me in a giggle. "You remember when he
couldn't even remember that poem by Poe and he got an F in English?"
"I wonder when I'll be in love like that, " Mary sighed out deeply
as she grabbed my arm again. " I want a man Jason!"
"We'll go shopping tomorrow honey," I whispered back to
her. Shelley and I giggled at my corny joke just as Shawn joined us. Mike
just finished his speech and Cliff stepped up and began to speak.
"Great!" Shawn muttered out to us. "I thought I was spared already
but I guess not." We listened silently to the rest of Cliff's speech. Then
the toast came and the two actually kissed in front all of us. We all knew
the party was ending.
"Mike gets to kiss a cute guy and I don't?" Mary pouted a little.
"If you really want to get a date that badly, you should start
hanging out with straight guys," Shelley laughed out at her.
"Maybe we could all get together again sometime soon," I nodded my
head at what Shelley said. "We could go out and hit some clubs."
"I'd like that," Mary smiled at me. "I'll call up some of the guys
and see who can come with us."
"We'd better go now," Shelley said to her friend as she looked at
her clock. " I still have an exam tomorrow, remember?"
"We'll just say goodbye to the two lovebirds," Mary laughed out as
she and Shelley left Stephen, Shawn and me alone.
"I'd better go home now too," Shawn sighed out deeply. "I have an
early class."
"Let's say goodbye to---" I began to say but Shawn interrupted me.
"I'd like to walk home if you don't mind," Shawn smiled at me
weakly. "You stay here and enjoy the rest of the party. I'm sure you and
Mike still have lots of things to talk about, right?"
"I understand," I gave him a smile back. I watched him go towards
Mike before facing Stephen. He was giving me a puzzled look but when he saw
I was staring at him he blushed deeply and lowered his eyes.
"You and Shawn came here together?" Stephen asked me rather shyly.
"Yeah," I laughed out nervously. "I asked him to help me buy some
nice present. I really didn't know why what to get Mike and Cliff. This is
my first engagement party." I figured that wasn't really lying since that
was one of my reasons.
"Ohhh," Stephen said in a disappointed voice. Mike, Shelley and
Mary all came back to say goodbye to us. I hugged all of them and escorted
them to the door. Then I returned to Stephen on the couch. We both sat
down. We were silent for a few seconds, not sure how to start a
conversation with one another.
"You know what this means, right?" I laughed at him
nervously. "You're not eligible to be with the Singles anymore considering
that you and Gary are dating."
"Gary and I are not dating!" Stephen denied it hastily and
forcefully then he blushed deeply when I gave him a puzzled look. "He just
asked me if I wanted to go to an engagement party a friend of his was
throwing. I didn't have anything else better to do today since you said you
couldn't hang out with me and Sarah today."
"Sarah knows about you being.uhhhh." It was my turn to blush.
"Yeah," Stephen nodded his head at me.
"Why didn't you tell me?" I asked him slowly.
"I would have except that I everytime I open my mouth, you just
yell out to me," Stephen gave me a weak smile.
"Sorry about that," I said in a very soft voice. "I thought you just wanted
to be friends with me to get my cousin in bed."
"That's one thing I still couldn't understand," Stephen said to me
in a serious tone. "Why did you think I was after Sarah?"
"Everytime I see you, you were with her," I said slowly as I
thought about my answer carefully.
"She's an interesting girl but as you probably guess by now, I'm
not really interested in girls," Stephen grinned at me goofily.
"Shit!" I said as I stood up. I looked at him apologetically, "I
have to go now. I forgot I was supposed to submit this essay tomorrow and I
don't even have a title yet."
"I...I'll go---" Stephen stood up.
"Thanks but you came here with Gary, right?" I gave him a smile to
tell him it was ok. I excused myself and went to Mike to say goodbye. I
found him in the kitchen, washing some glasses.
"Hey," I said as I walked up besides him. "I'll go home now. Thanks
again for inviting me."
"No problem," Mike said as he washed his hands and dried it before
facing me. He was giving me a very irritating smile. "Do I detect romance
in the air?"
"Huh?" I looked at him quizzically.
"Stephen!" Mike said aloud exasperatedly. "The guy obviously has
the hots for you!"
"Yeah right," I just laughed at what he said. "I didn't even know
he was gay until tonight."
"He had been asking me about you," Mike said to me slyly. "He was
asking why I invited you over and if you brought any dates with you. The
guy wasn't that subtle."
"You didn't tell him that.." I trailed off as I looked at him
worriedly.
"Relax," Mike said to me reassuringly. "Your secret was safe with
me. I told him that we were friends back in high school. And I made some
excuse about Shawn being a friend also that's why you guys came
together. But I made it clear he wasn't your date."
"Thanks," I sighed out in relief as I gave him a hug.
"You know that if you really want to be happy you have to come out
and trust someone," Mike said to me mysteriously as I let go of him.
"Huh?" I lost him again.
"There's really no reason for you to hide your sexuality from
anyone," Mike said to me as he faced the glasses again. "There's no way you
could justify the bitterness and pain you inflict on yourself and to others
just to live up to what others think you should be."
"I.I'll remember that," I said slowly as I stared at the back of
his head for a while. "Bye. Mary said we should go out sometime and hit the
clubs. We'll just call you up when we talked with the other guys." I
walked back to the living room. Stephen was still sitting on the couch,
watching some boring movie.
"Hey," I walked up to him and he stood up. I gave him a warm smile.
"Bye. See you tomorrow."
"Yeah, tomorrow," Stephen smiled back at me. To my surprise, he
walked me up to the elevator. As I was riding the elevator down to first
floor, Mike's voice filled my head. He said that Stephen had the hots for
me, right? He was just mistaken. Stephen's with Gary now and I have to
accept. But there was something inside me that was doing a triple
somersault at what Mike said. Could there be a possibility for me Stephen
to be together?
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to be continued:
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note: This is the first time I ended a chapter on a positive note. But like
they say, there's always a calm before the storm right? The next two
chapters will definitely be the last. I hope you stick with me until the
end.
Email me any of your comments: sliders21@iname.com