Date: Wed, 4 Apr 2001 04:41:46 EDT From: SLK2308888@aol.com Subject: I Wanna Be With You Chapter Six General Announcements~ OK yes, I know I'm a lazy ass bastard who just sat on his ass and didn't write. What can I say, school's hard, new Jetta (go me!), work, movies, shopping, and other various plausible excuses. I'll try to keep the slacking to a minimum and get cracking on this story. On a much lighter note, I have started dating and BOY can it get so good and then kinda suck so bad. Maybe a few more years of fruitless searching for "The One" will leave me a truly jaded cynical hag who'll sit in coffee shops and bitch to his friends about how all the good ones are taken or straight. Gee doesn't that paint a pretty picture . . . those email engagement proposals should be coming in at any time now and boys, remember nothing says, "I love you" quite like platinum or white gold . . . . = )~ This story is entirely fictional, the characters represented in the story are merely fictitious ones, who have been influenced by people that I know or experiences I've had. If you're not of legal age to be reading this, you know you should be watching Pokemon or something like that. If your 18 and older (cute, funny and can carry on quasi email me! Hehe . . . hehe actually no I'm serious, please do so) go ahead and read! Enjoy the story! Any questions/comment/suggestions can be sent to: SLK2308888@aol.com with the subject heading of ~I Wanna Be With You~. Stick a fork in me. . . Cause I am DONE! (And maybe cause I'm kinky like that) = )~ ------------------- I Wanna Be With You By Rick ------------------- Previously On I Wanna Be With You: I could feel my breath catch as we kissed. It's so hard for me to explain without reveling in the ecstasy of it all. It was everything I had hoped and dreaded it would be yet to describe it by words would not do it justice. Like the definition of love, there isn't a single concrete definition to all that goes into it. I don't know how long it lasted, nor do I care, all I know is that it changed me. It marked me as his forever and always. As we finally broke away I felt myself flushed with heat and panting for breath. My lips tingled as they tried to memorize each and every aspect of that kiss to memory. "Well?" I slowly open my eyes to see him staring right at me. "What do you think?" I pant out. "Told you so, come on lets get back to the school before it gets too late," he replies with a smirk. "WHAT?!?!?!?" I mentally erupt inside. Is he kidding me? Didn't he feel anything? That was nothing? I only saw my life flashing before me and he didn't think it was anything? As he drove us home, the whole ordeal was eating away at me. I can't believe he didn't feel a thing when I basically had the equivalent of a mind orgasm. Then I began to think of WHY he didn't feel anything and that basically put the blame on me. Clearly I was not his type, or I wasn't good enough for him, not smart enough, not beautiful enough, not special enough for him to feel the spine tingles I felt. I couldn't even blame him, I was the stupid one annoyingly pushing for us to kiss, so sure that anyone would want me. I clearly wasn't taking the rejection well as we had come to a complete stop without my notice. "Well . . .." "Yes, 'Well' you fucker, I can't believe I felt something and you didn't." I fumed mentally. "I'm glad we got this all sorted out, now we can just go back to being good friends right?" he asks with a huge smile plastered on his face. Don't make this a big deal. Don't show him your body's aching for another kiss. Don't show him he just crushed you with his nonchalance. Don't show him he means the world to you. Smile. "Me too . . .." I manage to say. "So I'll see you at school tomorrow then?" he inquires as he steps out of the car. I slowly get out of the passenger side to drive my car home. "Sure, tomorrow . . ." I mutter visibly shaking as I feel myself on the verge of breaking down. "All right bro, I'll meet you for lunch at the commons then," he replies hastily as he gives me one of those "brotherly" hugs. I'm dying, god why does he have to torture me so. So close to my heart yet I'm the furthest thing from his, why is this happening to me. I have no energy to reciprocate any sort of a hug. A part of me wants him to know how much this is killing me but what would that accomplish? He'd still be feeling nothing and I would be falling for someone who couldn't reciprocate those feelings the way I wanted him to. "Bye guy," he whispers as he slips from my grasps and runs into his apartment complex. I watch as he disappears into the darkness, taking with him my better self, my heart, my happiness. Chapter 7: Someone like You "Why didn't he want me?" This question played over and over in my mind. If he felt this was nothing then why have I just spent two sleepless days and nights holed up in my room? So I was hurt and upset that he didn't find me romantically appealing, but did I let him get me down? Fuck yes, I raided the booze cabinet the moment I got back and that was sadly the highlight of my little meltdown. For all I cared, I was hereby dead to the world until further notice. OK so I'm being overly dramatic, but this feeling of . . . of rejection, it just . . . it just sucks! I mean if you were in his place would you have rejected me? Ya I thought so too . . . so what the hell is his problem? What makes me so unlovable? Were those little hairs sticking up at the back of my neck working improperly? If he felt nothing than why would he leave me several phone messages calling to check up on me? If it was all nothing then why . . . why can't I pick up the phone and talk to him instead of sitting here in the dark, replaying his messages over and over again? "Patrick, Its me Jase, I waited an hour for you but you were a no show. You didn't forget about me did you? Talk to you later dude." "Patrick, Its about 7 p.m. haven't heard from you all day. You weren't at your biology lecture, I waited for you to come out but that bitchy girl told me you weren't in class today. Is something wrong? Are you feeling sick? Is this . . . is this about last night? Call me, we need to talk OK? Bye . . .." "Rick, pick up the phone man. Dude come on you can't be out this late. Give me a call whenever you get this message, I'm going to wait up till you get home. Call me. Lates." "It's 8 in the morning man. I fuckin waited up all night up for your ass but you never called. I know you check your messages all the time Rick, what's going on here? I gotta get my ass to class, try to meet me for lunch around 2 OK? We really do need to talk. I'll be waiting for you at Royce Hall. Please . . . please be there today OK? I'm getting worried here, give me a call and let me know you're fine. I'll see you this afternoon." "Patrick? Patrick? Pick up the goddamn phone, what the hell is going on? You're not going to class, I asked your friends if they knew where you were and they don't know where you've been for the last few days. I know you're home! Pick up the phone I know you're listening to this. Are you hiding from me? You going to sit there in the dark moping like the a dumb ass just because I told you I didn't feel anything? God, Justin was right, you are an egotistical arrogant prick! Get over yourself, the world doesn't revolve around you OK? I replayed the last one in particular letting the hurt crash into my heart over and over again. "But my world revolves around you . . .." I thought to myself miserably. It was true what a fool I'd been making him this guy who should be placed on a pedestal to be praised and admired. No matter how physically and intellectually put together I thought myself to be, I was an emotional nut. I could taste the hot and salty bitter tears flowing down my face. The more I cried the angrier I got. At myself for having these feelings for him, at him for rejecting me, at the world, my fucked up life. I've never felt this frustrated and alone before, why was he doing this to me? I looked down at my answering machine and reached for the rewind button. " . . .You going to sit there in the dark moping like the a dumb ass just because I told you I didn't feel anything? God, Justin was right, you are an egotistical arrogant prick! Get over yourself, the world . . ." I yanked the plug out of its socket and blindly threw the machine across the dark room. Somehow I found a slight satisfaction as I heard it hit the wall and break into a thousand pieces. In fact I found the situation quite hilarious, laughing crazily as I tried to wipe the tears from my eyes. "You don't deserve me Jase . . .." I whispered to myself cynically. "You don't fucking deserve me at all!" I yell pathetically. "God, fuckin help me," I sob. I hug my knees and slowly rock myself back and forth, back and forth, back and forth . . .. I don't know how long I let myself go acting like a little baby but when I woke up I was in my bed and suspiciously stripped down to my Calvins for those who care. The sun was shinning brightly into the room, nearly blinding me after having the shades drawn for the last few days. After gaining my bearings I took a quick look around to survey the damage I've done and was surprised to find everything in its place, except for a noticeably absent answering machine. In fact, if it weren't for the missing answering machine and a small scuffmark on the wall I would think it was all just some dream. For a quick moment I even let myself believe that it was just a figment of my imagination, that my life was normal, uncomplicated and simple once more. "You're up," a familiar voice greeted me. I grimaced at the sound of that voice, "God, must you always be this cheery all the time?" "Like, for sure!" Jess cheered in her ultra valley-girl/cheerleader voice. "Ick. You do that too well, I always knew you should have tried out . . ." I murmured as I sat up with my sheets around me. "I don't have the boobs for the job, they don't go bouncy bounce like theirs do," she sighed. "Ya, well non-silicone enhanced breasts don't really do that do they," I remarked pointedly. "Besides, everyone knows it takes astrophysics and advanced vector calculus to learn how to do the 'Chest pump #1' and 'Sparkly Magic Fingers' followed by a flash of underwear to keep people interested," I quipped while mocking their moves. (For those technical wise asses like me out there, yes I know they have terms for those moves but that's what I call them). "Very true sexy, and my god, polyester sweaters and those tacky skirts I so do not think so!" She remarked. "Besides, who cares if I could have dated the star quarterback, who may I remind you is going to be a first round . . ." " . . .Draft pick in the NFL. Yes, yes I know. You gave up Gucci and Armani clothes and a huge mansion for me, blah blah blah. God Jess, you really do need to come up with a better guilt trip, this one's definitely loosing its charm." I stated evilly. "Bitch!" she murmured jokingly. "Here I come slaving to get you all cleaned up and sorted out, cook you breakfast, and skip out on school and this is the thanks I get. I feel the love," she huffed, setting a tray of food before me. "Awww honey, thanks a lot babe, you're always there for me when I need you," I state earnestly as I pull her closer and give her a quick peck on the cheek. "Save the sweet talk for some other broad babe, you are so going to take me shopping this weekend." "Ya ya, I guess I do owe you something for all the trouble you went through," I state as I dig into the food. "Hon, did you take some cooking class behind my back or something cause this doesn't taste like your cooking," I question suspiciously. "What, I can cook!" she stated defensively. "Ummm . . . well no offense hon but having your maid cook you breakfast, lunch and dinner does not constitute you as being able to cook. I've had your cooking "creations" and well . . . they sucked. This is actually edible, actually it's quite good." I speak earnestly as I dig into my plate. For some reason she was being really quiet and she was biting her lip, in that very telltale "I'm keeping a secret from you" kinda way. "Did you get this from a restaurant?" I questioned. "Not exactly . . ." she stated mysteriously, OK well duh, now something's totally up and its pissing me off that she's giving me the run around. "Jess what's up?" I prod. "OK Fine! Well . . . I can't really take credit for the food and everything, your friend was the one who called me so someone would be here for you when you woke up." She explained. Fucking great, so the jerk probably found me looking like shit and feels sorry for me. Did I freaking ask for his help, I can take care of my own self god damnit, who the hell does he think he is trying to be some damn knight in shining armor. "Patrick . . . sweetie what's going on?" she questioned worriedly. "Its nothing, just been having an off couple of days," I say with indifference. "Hon, I know you like the back of my hand tell me what's going on. Jase says you've just been under the weather lately but its not just the last couple of days, I'm talking about the last couple of weeks. You've fallen out of the social scene completely, pretty soon people are going to think something's going on with you and Jase," she joked. "Ya me and Jase, some joke that would be" I agree halfheartedly. "God is he not the hottest man or what? Do you think it'd be to forward if I asked him to be the father of my children?" she asked. "Get in line babe" I thought to myself. "When did I suddenly become yesterday's news?" I manage to kid. "When you had to meet the one guy who might be hotter than you are, you should have killed the competition while you had the chance babe." "If you haven't heard me say this before Blondie, the boy is gay, as in he wants something down there that you don't." "For that man, I just might be tempted to get a sex change," she chided. "Good idea, you weren't that great of a woman in the first place . . ." I began as she leapt on top of me. I let her straddle my body and didn't give up much of a fight (well there was food on the damn bed and I had my good Banana Republic sheets on, why mess them up?) "God, maybe you should get the sex change Ricky, you always were the biggest bitch I've ever known" "I dunno, I've seen the devil incarnate come out from inside you . . ." I say with a grin. "Will you shut up, like I told you before I didn't mean to let her fall like that," she cringed before giving me a really painful flick on the ear. We were at Nordstrom's half yearly sale when Jess and this lady were vying for the same sweater and somehow Jess got it into her head that it'd be smart to let go, unfortunately letting the woman flying. The funny thing was that the lady got back up, dusted herself off and walked away with a smug smile, sweater in tow. To this day I still won't let Jess live this one down. "Hey you two, maybe you should close the door before starting something," I hear from the entrance of my room. Great, of course Jase has to come in at the "perfect" moment to see Jess and I together. "Hi Jase, how was class?" Jess asked in that giggly oh I think you're so hot. Forgive me if I gag (well not on the sheets of course, Banana Republic remember). "Ehhh I was able to catch up on lost sleep at least," he responded with a grin. Yeah yeah, show of those pearly whites you big jerk . . .. "How you feeling Rick?" he asked, sitting down on my bed, and patting my leg. "Ummm OK, just under the weather I guess . . .." I fibbed. "Right, under the weather . . . we'll I'm glad you're OK then," he said with a slight frown. "Thanks . . .." I mutter absentmindedly. "For what?" "Ummm for you know . . . everything . . .." I stumble. "I'm just glad that your OK, I was worried about you." "I'm sorry I should have called but . . ." "Your machine is on the fritz, I know you told me. You really should get another one bud," he jokingly stated. "Ummm yeah, I'll have to go pick one up sometime soon . . ." I say in a daze. Why was he covering up for me? He had to have seen the answering machine broken to smithereens. "Oh we can go pick one up when we go to the mall!" Jess stated. Clearly her love of shopping is only surpassed by her love of life . . . not to mention herself. Still she's a great gal though. "Anyway boys, I have to get my butt to History class. Hope to see you later," the latter spoken directly to the supposed sex god that was Jase. "Bye hon, feel better," she said as she gave me a quick peck on the lips and sauntered her way out. No doubt strutting all her worth to give him a show. He watched with amused appreciation before looking back at me with a subtle frown. "So . . . you sure you're OK?" He questioned again. "I said I was fine didn't I?" I asked in an annoyed tone. "You SAID you were fine, but you didn't look it last night," he said matter of factly. "Well who the fuck asked for your help anyway?" I blow up. "Whoa, don't get all bent out of shape, I THOUGHT I was being a good friend and helping you out in your time of need." "Oh so I'm in a time of need now because you think I'm 'confused' or that you 'love me but you're not in love with me'. Save all the speeches, I'm a big boy now," I mock. "You know what you have some fucking nerve Patrick, I've done nothing but tried to be a good friend to you and this is the thanks I get, why don't you stop being a BOY and grow up!" OK, OK so I know this little argument was just a grade level above "I know you are but what am I," but he was pissing me off! Even if he was right (which in hindsight I know he was), this was a matter of integrity, honor, and of course my foolish pride. "You . . . you . . . just go all right, get out of here!" I countered. Yeah I know, good comeback there. He just sat there looking at me for a few moments and finally sighed deeply, his shoulders falling back signaling defeat. He stood up and slowly walked to the door, like a little puppy dog with its tail between its legs. Damn him for being so cute, even when he's pouting. "We had a great friendship going Patrick, why . . . why do you want to mess all that up?" he quietly asked. "Because it could be so much more Jase, because I want it to be so much more! Am I really just confused? What's wrong with me?" I questioned breathlessly. I quickly glanced at him to gauge his reaction but couldn't meet his eyes. He was peering into my soul until I felt naked and vulnerable. "Why can't . . . why can't you like me like I like you?" I finally confessed. I doubt I have ever willed myself to not cry any harder then at that point. I was shivering like a leaf, physical exertion was one thing, but it pales in comparison with your emotions. I could feel Jase's presence by the door for a long time, probably taking everything in. "Please just go and lets just salvage our old lives," I wordlessly begged. Yet as always, he had to be chivalrous and noble. Silently walking back to my bed, he sat and gently cupped my head in his strong hands. Hands that felt so good so perfectly made to cradle me and softy caress my cheek. I tried to look away but he held my head firmly until I had no choice but to look at him. "You are one of the most beautiful creatures I've ever laid eyes on Patrick," he stated, "not only that but behind all the smartass remarks there lies an equally beautiful soul. You're smart, funny and you just have this fire inside that instantly makes people want to know you. I DO like you a lot Patrick . . . and if I don't stop myself I know there's a very real possibility that I could fall for you." "Why then?" I asked, "why are you stopping yourself when this . . . this thing between you and me can be for real?" "Because this whole thing ISN'T real. Love isn't like fairy tales Patrick, sometimes it can't always be happily ever after. After so many dates you begin to realize there is no such thing as love as first sight. What we're experiencing is just infatuation plain and simple . . .." "How dare you try to analyze your way out of this and tell me what I'm feeling," I irately responded, pushing his hands away. "Listen to me! OK assuming that I inadvertently opened up the gates to Gaydom for you, there's tons of guys out there who would kill for you, how can you be so certain that I'm the right guy?" "I can't help the way I feel for you and yeah I know that you aren't the only fish in the sea but being with you, talking and laughing with you, I feel . . . I feel happy Jase. For the first time I'm happy without the superficial stuff, without all the BS, just without this self-consciousness or need to be perfect in front of you. I'm happy just being you and me," I spoke. He contemplated it for a moment and I could see a glimmer of hope in his eyes. "I wish I could tell you the words you want me to say but I can't. Maybe I've been hurt one too many times but I've stopped believing in love and I don't want to end up hurting you because of it!" "Listen to me please! I don't know what happened in your past and I can't promise that I won't someday be the cause of your pain but I can't keep pretending that I want to be friends when there's this attraction to you I've never felt before. It'll be scary for the both of us but I'll be here, I'll be here no matter what." "God, its not that I don't think you'd make a good boyfriend, I'm just . . . I'm just fucking scared and nervous all right! I just have this feeling that its not going to work out and we're going to end up hating each other and I don't want to hate you or you hate me. I DON'T want to lose you over this Patrick, and please don't make that stupid promise that no matter what happens we'll still be friends because I've heard it all before and it never happens," he spoke passionately. "Then tell me how to make me stop feeling things for you! Tell me you bastard cause its eating up at me and I can't stop wanting you. Its not going to go away if you just hide it or run away from it you know," I say with tears already trickling down. He seemed taken aback by me crying and he just looked at me for a minute. "I . . . I need to go," he finally said. "Ya just go you fucking coward. Fuck YOU and your fucking insecurities," I yell at him with hate. "I'd rather have you hate me then break your heart," he sniffled. "Then tell me you could never ever love me," I demanded. "Why?" he questioned "Because I need to hear those words and I'll just have to deal OK. Just look me in the eyes and tell me you have no feelings for me whatsoever and I'll get this notion that we can be anything more out of my head." I say, trying to wipe away the tears. Jase just looked down at his hands and thought for a long time. He finally looked up at me and our eyes connected. To say it was surreal would be an understatement but it was if our time together was projected in the glints of his eyes. The time we met at the movies, all the conversations we had over coffee, just us having fun with each other. God, could it truly ever be that good again? Every moment spent with each other had this lucid sense of great tranquillity and lightness to it. Now I see him carrying me to my bed, when did this happen? I'm just laying in his arms in a drunken stupor. He's gently taking off my clothes and placing me under the covers. He's taking a damp washcloth and cleaning me up ever so softly. I can see myself drowsily wake up and giving him this wide stupid grin. "Hey Jase, what are you doing over here?" I asked woozily. "Shhh. Go back to sleep Patrick," he whispered. "Sing me to sleep then," I requested. "Here I'll turn on the radio . . .." "NO! I want YOU to sing to me," I state emphatically sitting up from the bed, "I want you to sing the song that was playing when we first met. You remember?" "Jase you remember?" I ask again after a few moments of silence. "Yeah, I remember," he said softly "Good now sing!" I laugh as I flop back on the bed. "I wanna be with you," he whispered, his voice cracking ever so softly. "There's nothing more to say . . . There's nothing else I want more than to feel this way . . ." he sang with a tremor in his voice. I could hear the pain, NO I could feel the pain he was going through. I can see him looking down on my already sleeping form and gently stroking my face and running his fingers through my hair. For a long time he just sits beside me and for a moment I wonder if he's fallen asleep. Then I start to see his chest heaving ever so slightly and him covering his eyes, until his body is racked with sadness. Don't cry Jase, please I can't help how I feel for you. I don't want to need you but you've become the air I breathe and I can't go on without you anymore. . .. I finally tear my eyes away from him and I realize we're both silently crying. "Just say the words," I beg him with my eyes. "You know I can't!" his sad look seemed to say. "I wanna be with you . . ." I start singing in a quivering voice, "There's nothing more to say. . .." "Don't start this Patrick, please," he whimpered. "Then say the words." "I CAN'T!" he yelled back as he stood up. He opened the door and stood at the entranceway for a long time. He turned back and looked at me for a second. "You and I know this is already so much more . . .." And with that he was gone, leaving me with a flurry of questions. To Be Continued???? Drop me some email and make me write more of this story at SLK2308888@aol.com with the subject heading of ~I Wanna Be With You~.