Date: Sat, 23 Dec 2000 10:48:43 -0500 (EST) From: sliders21@iname.com Subject: if i let you go 8 (college) ************** If I let You Go 8 ************** ********** Ryan's POV ********** A couple of months had passed since I last saw Jason. That was when he went to pick up the rest of his things. God! I miss him so badly! I haven't known him for that long but I couldn't help but feel like I lost my best friend already. One Friday night, I found myself walking towards the student center building. I was kind of hoping I'd see Jason there. But I know that even if I saw him, I'd probably turn around and walk away. In my mind, Jason was a very good friend already. I didn't want to shatter that by meeting Jason and him dismissing me like I was nobody. I was very content with the fantasy of Jason and me together. I don't want to face the reality that Jason probably thinks that I'm just another annoying freshman. I slowly walked up the concrete stairs but chickened out before I could go inside the building. I sat down on the top step and hugged my body as a cold wind blew. I didn't know how long I was sitting there. I was dreaming that Jason was beside me, hugging me. "Ryan?" A very soft voice called out my name from behind me. I turned around and saw Jason and Lisa and some other people walking out of the building. Jason had his arms around Lisa, hugging her close to him. "H...hey," I stammered out softly, partly from the cold and partly from seeing Jason with his girlfriend. I saw Jason whispering something to Lisa and the other people before he walked up to me. I watched Jason as he sat down next to me and he gave me a really warm smile. "What are you doing here?" Jason asked me as he grinned broadly. I came to see you; I answered him in my mind. "Nothing," I replied instead somewhat lamely. I watched his friends go down the stairs and walk away. "Your girlfriend is leaving you." "Girlfriend?" Jason looked at me quizzically. "What girlfriend?" "Lisa," I whispered softly. "You guys are dating, right?" "Oh that," Jason laughed out to my surprise. "That was nothing." How can he say that so casually? How can it be nothing when I feel my heart breaking everytime I see Jason and Lisa together? I couldn't approach him because everytime I see him, he was with Lisa. Why would he want to be with me when he could be with his beautiful girlfriend? "You...guys broke up?" I asked him very softly, not really wanting to know what his answer is. "No," Jason smiled at me. "We never were really dating so we don't really to break up." "You...weren't dating?" I stammered out dumbly. I shivered again from the cold. "No," Jason shook his head as he took off his jacket and gently put it around me. "You're cold. You shouldn't have gone out without wearing any warm clothes." "Thanks," I felt myself blushing deeply as I put on the jacket Jason gave me. It was a jacket given to him by the student council. I've seen him wearing it before. It had his name at the back like a letterman jacket. I looked up at him and saw him staring at me. "What?" "How long has it been?" Jason asked me softly. "Two months," I answered him. I know it was kind of pathetic letting him know I kept count how long we haven't talked. "I..always see you around campus though." "Why didn't you stop me and say hi?" Jason gave me one of his goofy smiles again. "You seem busy," I answered him. "I didn't want to bother you." "I am very busy between my studies and the council but I'll always have time for you," Jason reached out and touched my shoulders and squeezed it gently. "Next time you see me rushing down the hall or something, stop me and say hi, okay?" "Yeah..I'll do that," I nodded my head. We fell silent for a while, him smiling at me and me smiling back as we both shivered from the cold slightly. "Shouldn't you be catching up with your girlfriend?" I finally whispered to him. "I told you Lisa's not my girlfriend," Jason gave me a somewhat frustrated look. "The truth is she just asked me to pose as her girlfriend for some stupid reason which I really don't want to go into right now, okay?" "You...posed as her girlfriend?" I couldn't believe my ears as Jason said that. "I don't even like Lisa that way," Jason shook his head at me. "Lisa's very beautiful and all that but I'm just not attracted to her." "Oh," I said simply but my heart was beating a lot faster now. I may be reading way too much in what Jason said but could it be that he doesn't like girls in general? That was what I think he was saying. But then again, I could be just hoping so much that he could like me that I'm willing to put meanings in everything he says or do. "You doing anything?" Jason stood up and held out his hand. I put my hand on his and he pulled me up gently. "Nothing really, why?" I asked him as I put my hands in the pockets of Jason's jacket. "Mind accompanying me to a party?" Jason asked me rather casually. Thought I could detect nervousness in his voice. Or was it just from the cold? "I'd love too," Damn! I sounded too eager. If I keep this up, he'd definitely start to suspect about my feelings for him. "Before that, I have to stop by a party being given by the Queer Coalition," Jason warned me. "Just some stuff for the council." "Okay," I'd go to the ends of the earth if it means being with Jason. We walked away towards the QC party. We made small talk and he asked me a lot of questions about what I have been up to. It felt like he was very interested in my life. We reached the QC party fifteen minutes later. There were about forty people in the room. Most of them looked at us as we entered. I really didn't blame them. Jason was probably the hottest guy there. I meekly followed Jason as he tried to find the president of the club. We found him by the refreshment table, talking with a few other guys. The guys gave me a peculiar look as they saw me following Jason. "Hey guys," Jason gave them the smile that probably made me fall in love with him in the first place. Wait a minute. Did I say fall in love? God! Did I just really admit that I'm in love with Jason? Then my thoughts were broke as I felt Jason nudging me with his elbows. "Huh?" I looked at Jason as he gave me a funny look. "Why don't you go get something to drink while I talk with these guys?" Jason smiled at me. I nodded my head as I walked over to the punch bowl at the other end of the table. I was pouring myself a drink when I felt someone standing beside me. I turned my head and saw a classmate of mine in English, Kyle Madigan. "I can't believe you're with Jason," Kyle said as he gave me a sly smile. "I knew you guys were friends but I didn't know you guys are dating." "Huh?" I looked at him stupidly. Too shocked to say anything. I was about to deny it when I felt someone putting his arm around me. When I looked up, I saw Jason's deep blue eyes twinkling just for me. "Ready to go Ryan?" Jason whispered to me. "That was quick," I sot of blushed as I saw Kyle giving us a surreptitious smile. "I just needed some signatures," Jason shrugged his shoulders then he looked at Kyle without pulling back his arm. "You sure made a friend quickly Ryan." "Don't be jealous," Kyle laughed out as he winked at me. "Your boyfriend here is just my classmate in English." I became beet-red as I sort of pulled away from Jason. I saw Jason giving Kyle and me a quizzical look. He must be thinking that I told Kyle I was his boyfriend. Fuck! This was starting to be such a great night and my stupid classmate has to ruin it! *************** To be continued *************** Any comments are welcome at: sliders21@iname.com