Date: Thu, 15 Sep 2005 18:28:26 +0000
From: Steve Thomas <stevethomas535@hotmail.com>
Subject: Jamey is Gay, ch. 15

This is a work of pure fiction, but based on the author's feelings,
beliefs, and in some cases, experience.  Come to think of it -- it might
not be very pure either! There may be graphic sexual encounters at times
between men, so if this offends you, you are invited to retreat.  If you
are too young or it is otherwise illegal for you to be reading this kind
if story, shame on you for reading it - - please stop here.  If not, - -
ENJOY!



Cast of Characters:

James Thomas Arthur (Jamey)

Harold Brian Arthur -- Jamey's Brother (Habby)

Harold Garfield Arthur -- Jamey's dad

William Pitts -- Roommate (Will)

Ronny -- Will's best friend.

George Wiggins

Darrel -- George's roommate

Dr. Steve Jordan -- Doctor

Grant (Buddy) Windward -- Waiter at Holdren's

John -- Neighbor across the hall.

Jerry -- John's roomie

From Chapter 14:

John was sitting on the couch in the common area.  Hi!"  I said.

He looked up with very tired eyes.  "Hi."

"You okay?"

"Sort of."

"What's wrong?"  I said, clearly seeing that he was NOT okay.

"I -- um -- I heard you guys last night -- and then again this morning.
I had to come down here."  His eyes looked terrible.  "I guess there's
not much chance for me, huh?"  His face looked so hurt, but his eyes
were dry.  I sat down and took his hand in mine.

"John - -"  I started.

Chapter 15

I was at a loss for words -- for the umpteenth time today.  And it was
still morning!  He rescued me -- sort of: "I know I don't have any
claim on you."  He said.  "It's just that -- well -- I've never felt
-- this way -- about anyone before.  And -- it's really confusing to
me."  I looked at my watch.  He continued, "Oh, you probably have a
class, don't you?  You better go.  I -- I'll work this out."

I did some quick thinking and calculating in my head.  "No.  I can miss
that class.  I think I owe that much to you."

"No, you can't do that!  We can talk later."  He objected.

I strengthened my hand on his and got up.  Someone else came in to the
room, so I made as if shaking his had, but I said quietly, as I let it
go.  "I'm going back up to my room.  If you want to talk, I'll be
there."  And I left the common area and went back to my room.  He
followed.

Once in the room, he said, "Jamey -- you should go to class."

"I HATE being late to class.  Besides, I'd rather talk to you."

"You're too much!"

"John, I am confused too.  It's true what you said.  You don't have
any claim on me.  But neither does anyone else."  I said, looking into
his eyes for some sign of recognition of what I said.  He was looking
down, but when I said that, his eyes met mine.

He looked like he wanted to say something but hesitated.  I waited.  "I
-- I -- I really am confused.  When I first saw you, I -- well, I wanted
to meet you.  I thought that was all it was.  And I think that's true --
at first.  You seemed like the kind of guy I could -- well -- talk to."
His concerned look relaxed a little as he saw my slight smile.  "And --
well, you know that Jerry isn't that -- um -- warm."  He stopped again
to think.

"I guess what I'm saying is -- like I already said.  I'm confused.  I
never counted on being -- well -- attracted -- in this way -- to a guy.
And you -- you're the only one I know.  I mean -- oh crap!  That came
out wrong!  But -- it's true!  I don't know any other guy who is -- um
- "

" -- gay?"  I said.

"Yeah.  And you've been so nice to me and - "

"Me?  I've been nice to you?  Dude!  You were nice to me!  When I
needed a friend -- to stay with me -- to hold me -- to listen to my
soul's complaint, even!  I felt so protected when you were with me!  I
can't tell you how confused I was, losing Will like that, feeling lost,
confused and guilty all at the same time!  I can't ever make that up to
you."

"But you already have!"  He said.

"Already have what?  Made you doubt yourself?  Sent you into a tailspin
that you may never recover from -- or feel like you can?  Is that what I
did for you?"

"No.  I've thought a lot about what has happened to me up to this
point.  I've thought a lot about you, me, you AND me, and how I have had
these feelings for as long as I can remember.  I KNOW some of the boys
experimented and played with each other when I was in grade school.  At
least I thought they must!  Because I wanted to so much!  And I didn't
feel I was any different than anyone else!"

"I know."

"But apparently I WAS different that all the others!"  he exclaimed.

"MOST of the others -- and -- I read that ALL little boys -- and girls
-- go through a homosexual stage in their preteen years.    So you really
weren't that different then.  Neither was I."  I said.  "But -- by the
time I got to Junior High, the other guys lost interest in that kind of
stuff.  Somehow, no one noticed -- not even myself -- that I DIDN'T lose
interest!  I knew that we had to undress and shower for P.E. with the
rest of the guys.  I couldn't wait!"

"I know."  He said.  "and man!  The guys made fun of anyone who was
different.  In 7th grade, some guys had big dicks, but not many.  Guess
who got made fun of?  The guys with the big dicks!  But by ninth grade,
most of us had matured, and there were only a few who still had their
little dinks!  Then it was they who were made fun of!  I was a special
case."

"Special case?"  I queried.

"Yeah!  My dick grew fast, and so -- even though now it's nothing out
of the ordinary -- in ninth grade I had one of the longest in the shower
room.  But - - I had NO hair down there yet.  So that made me look even
larger!"

"And they teased you for that?"

"Well, not really, but I FELT like they did.  I just KNEW what they were
THINKING"!  He said.  "Or THOUGHT I knew!  I withdrew into a shell for
three years while my hair growth caught up with my other secondary sexual
stuff."

"Wow!"  I exclaimed.

"And now, in my second year in college, I find out that I am -- um --
THIS way!"

"Gay."  I said.

"Damn, I can't say that!"

"I know.  It's hard at first.  But -- are you still attracted to
girls?"

"What?  No!  I never was!  I always figured that when I got older I
would be more excited about girls.  I remember telling my best friend --
well, I didn't really have a friend close enough to call him my best
friend -- but anyway, the best friend I had -- I said, `What gives?  Do
guys have sexual organs in their fingers -- or hands, or something?
What's the big deal about feeling a girls tits?  You know what he
answered me?"

"What?"

"He laughed and said his sexual organ was in HIS hands and fingers as
often as possible!"  At that, John finally smiled.  I laughed, and it
eased the tension a lot.  "Anyway, it took a night with you to help me
see the light."

"Glad to be of service -- I guess."  I said.

"But now I don't know what to do."

"Join the club!"  I said.  "I mean -- well, I always knew I was gay.
But I still didn't know what to do with it!  I couldn't tell anyone!"

"I know!"  He said.  "and now -- it's no different.  I don't know
anyone -- except you -- and obviously you are not interested in me, so
what - "

"Who told you that?"

"What?"  He said.

"Who told you that I was `obviously not interested in you'?"

"Well, I just assumed, and then I saw you -- and heard you -- with that
other guy last night -- and this morning, and - "

"I'm not going with him!  I like him, though.  I just met him -- or
rather got to know him this weekend.  We both agreed that we're not
ready to be tied down -- just yet."

John looked at me for a long moment, then said, "So -- where does that
leave us?"

"It leaves us pretty much where we were -- well -- last week."  I
said.  "Except - "

"Except what?"  He asked.

"Except -- we had not shared with each other what we just shared -- last
week."  I looked into his eyes.  Or rather I got lost in them.  They
were kind of sad looking, kind of haunting looking, and definitely
alluring to me.  They lacked one thing -- hope.  I didn't want to give
him false hope, but I brought my face closer to his, laid my hand against
his cheek and kissed him.  "I don't want you to make too much of that,
but you have meant a lot to me in the past week."  I said.

He grabbed me in a close embrace.  Finally he let go of some tears.
"Sorry!"  he said.  "I just -- I dunno -- it's such a relief that you
still are not -- um -- taken."

"I'm not."  I said seriously, looking into hopeful eyes.

For a moment I felt like I held some sort of magic power that I didn't
know how to control yet.  I really like John.  He is so sweet and
vulnerable.  But -- so is Buddy.  And Buddy is so hot to look at.
John's not ugly, but not outstanding like Buddy.  But somehow that did
not matter this morning.

"It's nearly time for the next class.  I have a free period now --
you?"  I said.

"No.  I have English Lit."

"Okay.  So you better go, huh?"  I said, looking from eye to eye, out
noses almost touching.

"You just missed your class for me.  I can miss Lit this once.  I don't
think we were finished."  He said.

"Me neither!"  I said, and this time I grabbed HIM and kissed him
deeply.  He kissed me back.  I locked the door, and pretty much did the
same to him as I had to Buddy last night.  Only -- he didn't object when
I played with his anus.  He wiggled a bit and cooed and groaned, but
seemed to love it as I slipped my wet finger in and out of him as I
sucked him off.  Per my usual style, I didn't let him do me at that
time.  I was satisfied with what went down as it was.  Besides, I had
gotten off twice this morning as it was!

I talked to Buddy later in the afternoon.  He wanted to come by for
another "study period", but I declined, citing a lot of make up time
needed at my desk.  "I can probably help you with that!"  he said
hopefully.  But I still said no.  (I was gentle!)  Then I asked if we
could get together tomorrow night.  (Thursday)

As I was studying, it was about 10:45.  I was having trouble staying
awake.  There was a light tap on the door.  "C'min!"  I said, finally
glad for the diversion.  I knew it was John.  He came into the room and
sat on the bed next to where I was studying.

"Am I bothering you?"

"Naw!  I don't think I could go much further tonight anyway."  I said
and yawned.

"Can I stay here tonight?"  he said.  "Jerry's being a butt."  I
tiredly nodded my head.  "I can sleep on this bed, if you want."  He
said.  He was sitting on Will's old bed.  Well, actually I was studying
at Will's old desk.

"Naw,"  I said, "The sheet are all clean and stuff."

The ridiculousness of what I said hit us both at once.  We started
laughing almost hysterically.  All we did was sleep together.  Well,
maybe that's not ALL we did.  We went to sleep close together -- after
some heavy kissing and fondling.  Well, okay -- we both got off -- and
didn't even clean up before falling asleep in each other's arms.  It
felt every bit as good as it did our first night together.

"Hi Jamey!"  Buddy was in his college guy persona.  It was mid-day and
I stopped by the student union for a bite to eat.  "How are you?"  he
showed his gleaming Hollywood smile.

"I'm fine."  I said between bites.

"How's John?"

"Huh?"  I said, shocked out of my mid-day lethargy.  "Oh!  He's --
okay too -- I guess."

"He didn't look too good yesterday morning when I left your place.  He
was in the common, and -- well -- he looked like a train ran over him."

"I -- um -- talked to him.  He's fine -- now."

"You made it fine?"  He pressed me.

"Okay, Buddy, we have to set some boundaries here."  I said flatly.  He
lost his man-on --the --town look immediately and sat down.  He looked at
me, concerned.  I continued.  "I like you -- a lot!  It's tempting to
say, I love you -- especially since you have told me the same several
times now.  But -- no, I mean -- and -- er -- Shit!  Buddy I DO love
you.  I hardly know you, but I do!"  His eyes started to glow again.

"But - - I also love John.  He has been a life-saver to me.  What I am
saying is -- we have already agreed -- your choice -- not to be
boyfriends.  So you can't ask me about other guys.  It's -- well --
really, it's none of your business."  His inner light was easy to see.
It turned off again -- or nearly.

"Can -- I mean -- do you want me to -- still come over -- tonight?"  He
looked fearful when he asked it.

"Of course!"  I said.  Light back on!  "I hear of people `playing the
field'.  I don't know if this is what they are talking about.  It's
stressful, you know?"

"No."

"No?"  I reiterated.

"How would I know?  I have gone here for over three years.  You are the
first guy I have really gotten to know.  You're the first guy I have
been BRAVE enough to get to know.  It's scary, though.  It seems too
fast.  I guess I'm playing the field too, but you're the only one
giving me anything to field.  On one hand I envy you and on the other - -
I -- I -- dunno!"

"We'll talk more about it tonight -- BEFORE we `study'.  Okay?"  I
said.

"I'll bring dinner.  No -- wait!  My roommate will be gone tonight!
Can you come over to my place?"

"Cool!"  I said.  Around 6-ish?"  I said.  We both laughed.

"Very cool!" he said.  And he got up to leave -- but stopped and turned
around.  "Have you heard anything from that Steve?"  My look made him
change his mind.  "Oh, never mind.  None of my business!"  I smiled.

I had one more class and an afternoon lab.  When I got home, I barely had
time to get cleaned up.  I put on a lightweight turtle neck - it was
getting really cold.  And I wore my black leather jacket with black
jeans.  I shaved and as I was fixing my hair, there was a tap -- John's
tap -- at the door.  "C'mon in, John."

"Oh!  You're going out?  Wow!  Must be a big date!  You look great."

"Thanks."  I said.  I'm just about to leave.  What's up?"

"Nothin'.  Going out with that other guy?"

"I'm going out with AN other guy."  I said.  And if you mean the guy
who was here the other day, that's Bud -- er -- Grant."

"Grant!  That's it!  Can't ever seem to remember that."

"Why would you need to?"  I said, a little more snappish than I meant
to.

"You're right.  I should mind my own business."

"John -- I don't want to hurt your feelings.  But -- geez, my personal
life is -- well -- mine.  I want to continue to see you.  I would hope
that you would see someone else too.  John, I'm late.  Can we take this
up later?"

"Sure!  Stop by on your way home tonight."  He said.

"I may not be home tonight."

"Oh. Okay.  Well, see you later, then."  He walked out, and tried to
close the door.

"John -- wait!"  I said.  I walked over and kissed him.  "I WANT to
see you later!"

He smiled sadly and said good bye.

I arrived a little after six.  The sun was nearly down to the horizon.
Buddy grabbed my hand and pulled me out to the beach.  "Take off your
shoes and socks!  The cold sand feels great!"

We walked out to the water's edge.  The sun was huge and halfway behind
the waves by now.  It was dark enough that if anyone saw us -- we were
not the only ones on the beach -- all that was visible were silhouettes.
Buddy turned and looked deeply into my eyes.  This was the first I
noticed - his were swimming.

"I'm afraid I'm losing you."  He said, forlornly.  "and the stupid
thing is -- I never HAD you."

"Yeah, you can't lose what you never had, can you."  I said.
"Buddy!  You aren't losing me!  I just don't think either of us is
ready to -- settle down."

"I though so last weekend.  Now I'm not so sure!"

I embraced him closely.  "I have learned a few things in the few months
since school began, Bud."  I said. Maybe we should talk a little about
those things."

"Okay."  He said, sounding worried.

"Okay.  First of all, don't look so sad.  I'm not letting you down
gently!"  He smiled a little.  "Buddy, you are adorable, cute, and when
we are alone, so vulnerable and sweet!  I love that."  He relaxed a
little.  I taught him a few of the things that Seth taught me as well as
some that I learned on my own about thinking I was in love with whatever
guy I was getting intimate with.  Problem was -- his only guy is me!

"Buddy, I still feel the same way.  I feel like I love you when we're
having sex.  I do!  But I know from experience that this is a reaction
from all the good things that are happening to my body.  Remember Seth?
I told you about him."  He nodded.  "He assures me -- and I trust and
believe him -- that when real love happens, I will know it.  It will feel
much different.  Much more -- than the emotional high of post sex.  I
wouldn't have known this -- at this time -- if Will had not died.  I
thought I loved him.  But here it is less than two weeks after he died,
and I am pretty much feeling those same feelings with you."

"And John."  He said."

"Okay."  I said.

"And Steve."

"Nope.  Steve and I haven't -- done anything.  I just like him."

"Heard from him?"

"This isn't about me and my other friends.  This is about us."  I
reiterated.

"I want you all to myself."  He said.

"And when I'm with you, I want YOU all to myself."  I said then
continued.  "But you keep bringing my other friends into OUR space.  Can
you stop doing that?"  I said gently.

"I guess."  He said.

It was completely dark now and getting colder.  We went back to the
house, picked up our shoes, and went in.

"That could have been a lot more romantic.  Sorry I blew it, Sweetie."
He said to me.  Somehow the way he said `Sweetie' hit a chord with me.
The rest of the evening went smoothly.  We had the usual sex except he
decided it was my turn to get "service" first.  He had been reading
some things -- probably on the internet, because he used some techniques
I didn't know about.  But the main thing that surprised me, was when he
put his finger in my butt.  He first wet it in his mouth and then
massaged my sphincter for awhile.  This was much more pleasurable than I
realized it would be.

I tried not to compare it with the way John had done it, but it was
impossible.  Buddy's technique was much more smooth and felt better.
Well, he was ready with a slippery lube for one thing.  When he was
finished with me -- and had swallowed every drop of my spunk -- he kissed
me and said, I love you sooooo much!"  I believed it this time.

When we were almost asleep, he said, "Jamey, will you be my boyfriend?
Just mine -- for at least now?"

As tired as I was, my heart sank. I know I waited way too long to
answer.  I felt lame when I finally did.

"Buddy, I have only known you a week.  Less really."

"Okay, okay, I know."  He interrupted.  I shouldn't have - "

"Let me finish, Bud."  I said gently.  We were in such an intimate
position, it made it a little easier to "be gentle"  "I have felt so
-- um -- well, almost humbled when you have told me that you love me.  I
am so new to this myself; I can't quite fully understand it.  But for
some reason, you are drawn to me -- I don't know why.  But I know from
my own limited experience -- that a sexual relationship makes ME feel
that I love.  I can't answer for you, if that's true, but I really
don't think you can either.  I just don't feel like I'm ready for that
kind of commitment right now.  Can you understand that?"

"I can."  He said.  "I understand that you aren't ready.  I feel I
am, and I guess that's my problem, not yours.  But -- I still want to
see you -- and have the chance to love you.  When we have had sex, it
seems to be vulgar to refer to it even in that way.  To me it is just the
physical manifestation of what I already feel for you.  And - - lots of
even high school kids `go together' -- even if they are not ready for a
-- or `the' -- lasting relationship.

He continued, "And I know it's only been a week.  I'm sorry to put you
in this position.  I know you must feel like crap, to have to tell me
no.  Please don't."  He said.  "No!  Forget I said that.  It wasn't
fair.  Just -- I guess give me a fair chance at your heart.  I feel
pretty unqualified when I am competing with a doctor!  But give me a
chance."

"I wish you didn't think you were competing at all.  Steve hasn't even
called me since before the funerals.  John is -- well -- he's been very
sweet to me -- as you have!"

"But it's still a competition.  I know John wants you.  And I know that
you dream of Steve.  Just -- give me some kind of hope."

"Well," I said, "For what it may be worth, I have not decided on
anyone -- yet.  I definitely have not ruled anyone out -- and that
includes you."

He didn't say any more.  I could tell when he went to sleep.  I felt
cold when, about an hour later, he moved away from me in his sleep.  I'd
like to say that I dreamed about him -- or anyone -- but I didn't.  I
couldn't.  I didn't sleep all night.

I thought about what he said.  I thought about how he felt.  I thought
about how I felt!  What I felt was immature and confused.  He said that I
dreamed about Steve.  How could he know.  Steve intrigued me.  He was
like the only piece of stability that I had to grab on to.  He was
mature.  He was stable in his job and in himself.  He had what all three
of the rest of us wanted.  But he was so much older -- and - - he had not
called me!

"Hello, Jamey!  Nice to hear from you!  What a nice surprise.  What
prompted you to call me?"

I hadn't thought that far.  I was again at a loss for words.  "Oh!  I
guess you have caller I.D.  It surprised me that you knew who I was!"
DUH!  I felt really stupid, and also -- what to say now?

"Yeah.  Normally, cell phones don't show up, but yours is programmed
in, so it does.  What's up?"

"Oh!  Well, uh -- I -- I -- just wanted to say -- um -- that -- I really
appreciate you making Will's funeral so much easier for me."

"Uh huh!"  Steve said.  "You told me that last week, but I appreciate
you calling me and telling me again."

I felt completely lame!  Why didn't I give some thought to what I was
going to say!  "Uh -- yeah.  Um -- well, thanks."

"So -- how are you?  How was that other funeral?"

"Well, it wasn't so much the other funeral -- which by the way was fine
-- but I met a very sweet and great guy because of it."

"Reeeeally?"  he said.  Something told me -- his tone of voice -- that
he misunderstood.

"Oh!  It wasn't that kind of guy -- I mean he wasn't -- I mean - "
<<CRAP!!>>  "He is a counselor for the county.  He is the cousin of the
other guy who was murdered.  His name is Seth.  He's happily married!

"Oh!"

I still think he misunderstood!  "I mean -- look!  Nothing happened
between him and me -- except he helped me see some things.  You know --
like -- reality.  He's a reality therapist."

"Oh."

I think he finally got it.  Or at least got that I had not fallen in love
with someone else!  What am I saying!!??

"Anyway, I am fine.  How are you?"

"Well, always busy -- with work. I was thinking about you.  I wanted to
call you several times to see how you were.  But it's only been a week
since last Friday.  I didn't want to bug you."

"You wouldn't have!"  I said more quickly that I should have.  "I
mean -- I'd have loved to hear your voice."

<<THAT WASN'T what I meant to say!  Or was it?>>

"I mean - - Seth made me realize some important things."

"Well, obviously, you want to share them with me -- I hope.  Why don't
you do it over dinner tonight -- are you free?"

"Yes.  Um -- Actually, I am!  Okay!"  I couldn't help the pleased
sound of my voice!

"Great!  Can I pick you up?  About 7:00?"

"7:00 would be great!"  I said.

"Cool!  We can go to Holdren's and then drive down to the beach to
talk.  I am so glad you called."

"Okay."  I said, still glowing.  Then it hit me.  "No WAIT!  We can't
go to Holdrens!"

"Why?  You don't like it?"

"No -- it was fine -- only -- can't we go somewhere else?  I haven't
been to many restaurants up here.  Actually an In-and-Out burger would be
fine with me!"

"Then that's where we'll go!  Bring your coat, we'll drive to the
beach and eat there!  I gotta go -- got a surgery in a half hour -- gotta
prepare.  Bye!  I'm so pleased you called!"

"Bye!"  I said.

Could I have been any more LAME!!!  I guess I'll never be smooth.  Maybe
we'll laugh about this years from now.

Years from now!!??  I couldn't tell Buddy what I would be doing even
next week -- or John, for that matter!  And now am I projecting me with
Steve - - years from now?

When he arrived, John was just leaving.  There had been a power outage
and we were just standing in the hall talking.  "Hi Steve!  This is
John.  He's my room mate -- I mean, no!  Well, Dorm mate -- I mean -- he
lives across the hall.

"Nice to meet you, John.  Hey, Jamey -- I like In-And-Out burgers fine,
but they don't hold a candle to the action at me place -- Hamburger
action, I mean! -- heh!  So I thought we'd just head back there.  You
ready?"

"I just have to grab my coat."

"Yeah, you may need that -- if we decide to go outside.  Ohhh, too bad
you weren't there about an hour ago.  The sunset was gorgeous!  Very
romant- erm -- beautiful!"

I grabbed my coat, and as John was disappearing into his room, he said,
"Will I see you later, then?"

"I -- uh -- dunno when I'll be home."  I said.

"K.  Bye."  He said.

As soon as we got into the car, while we were buckling up, Steve said,
"So -- tell me about what this Seth did for you!"  As soon as we were
out of the university streets, I noticed his hand was setting comfortably
near my leg on the center console.  It was a struggle not to place mine
over it.

I talked non-stop all the way to his house.  As I walked in, I was again
reminded of the last time I was here.  But this time, the table was set
with nice dinnerware and there were candles -- unlit -- on the table.
The lights were low.  There was a fire going in the fireplace.  Well, if
I had missed the romantic sunset, the candles, fireplace and low lights
didn't escape my attention.

He fired up a grill in his kitchen, and threw on four hamburgers.
"Four?"  I asked.

"I wasn't sure what you liked at In-and-Out.  I like the double-double
myself!"  he said as he turned them and threw some slabs of cheese on
the tops.  I continued to tell him about my conversation with Seth.
Steve just let me talk.

When I was finished talking, Steve looked deeply into my eyes said,
"Sounds like you were falling for HIM."  The implied missing phrase was
"instead of me!"

"Heh!  I suppose I could have.  He -- I mean -- anyone could, maybe.
But he is securely taken."

"Yeah, I got that when you said he was married.  It must be hard to be
the wife of a therapist.  They say that everyone falls for their
therapist."

"Oh, he doesn't have a wife."  I retorted.  And -- well, he's not
really married.  But he and his partner feel like they are."

"Partner?  Is he gay?"

"Didn't I mention that?"

"I don't think so."  He said, seemingly trying to see into my soul
through my eyes.  I had to look away momentarily.


"Well, anyway," I hedged, "He helped me to realize that what I had
with Will was not -- all that deep, I guess."

"I kinda got that the first day you came into Will's room"  He said.

"You did?"

"Uh huh.  But I'm not a counselor, and I'm not in any position to be
anyway."  He said.  He looked intensely at me.  I felt uncomfortable.
"Do you understand what I'm saying?"

"Er -- not exactly."  I said.

"Jamey, I've never thought much about romance -- I haven't had time
to.  And when I did think about it, I didn't think in terms of anyone as
young as you are -- what 22?"

"Um -- actually 18 -- almost 19."  I said.

His head dropped to his chest.  He put his hands to his face and shook
his head.  "What are we doing here, Jamey?"  He finally asked in an
almost desperate voice.

"We're two friends having dinner -- a romantic dinner -- I hope."  I
said, surprising myself with the calmness of it.

"You really do?  Jamey, I could be your father!"

"I suppose -- if you were sixteen when you knocked up my mom!"  I
laughed.  He laughed after me.

"Everything is telling me that you're too young for me -- and that was
when I thought you were 22!"

I took control of the conversation in a way that even surprised me.  I
reached and touched his hand.

"Steve, we were thrown together into a mutual chaotic situation.  We
still hardly know each other.  I'm very inexperienced.  I hardly even
know about you.  Have you ever been in a serious relationship?"

"Not since -- high school.  Too busy."

"High school?"  I said with surprise.  "Was it a guy?"

"No.  A girl. Heh!  How serious could it have been, huh?"  He looked
embarrassed.

"Well, anyway, you've been too busy to grow up -- in this way, and it
seems that I have been forced to grow up faster than most my age.  Even
with my inexperience, how many guys -- or people even -- have lost
someone to a murder?"

"You have a point."

"To me, the point is -- the sixteen  years difference means nothing to
me -- well, in all honesty, it plagued me at first -- but not any more."

"So ... did you say, at first? Then,"  he did a little happy giggle,
"so you too have been -- um -- thinking about me?"

"Yes, I have.  It's just that I don't want to go too fast, and I was
afraid at your age -- sorry -- that you might be more than ready to go
faster.  Do you understand?"

"Of course I understand.  He said grinning from ear to ear.  "And I am
completely content to go as slow as it takes."

"As slow as what takes?"

"As slow as it takes for you to get comfortable."

"Steve, I'm dating two other guys.  I know -- there goes that extra
measure of maturity out the window.  But I'm pretty confused right
now."

"Wow!  Well, so am I -- now.  Have you -- I mean -- have you been -- um
- "

" - intimate with them?"  I said.

"Sorry, that's none of my business."

"Okay.  I have had very little experience -- with guys.  I have played a
little with those two -- and with Will.  Nothing penetrating, though.
Does that answer your question?"  I tried not to let it sound as
frustrated as I felt.  After all this is the third time I have had to
defend my -- my -- position.

"Wow!  Yes, it does.  Well, ok.  I hope I'm your first."  He said and
smiled.

"You and too many others!"  I thought, but did not say.  "Well, hey!
Those hamburgers are smelling great.  I'll have one of those
double-doubles please!  With fries and a chocolate shake!"  I was joking
of course.  Imagine my surprise when he filled my order as requested.
The fries were already cooking, and he made the shakes form real ice
cream, milk and put malt in.

"Tell me THAT'S not better than in-and-out!"  He said.

I couldn't resist saying it: "I wouldn't know yet!  Maybe someday you
will be the one to show me."

"Oho!  Well, if that's the kind of in-and-out you are talking about --
then NO!  The hamburgers are definitely NOT better!"

"So -- you have had some experience -- while you were in med school?"

He looked only a little guilty.  "Well, I didn't say I was a hermit or
a priest during all that time."  But he was still smiling.  I dunno why
but I felt somehow comforted by that.  I guess I felt safe with his
experience.  I might rather have my first time with someone who know what
he was doing.  "Wow!"  He said.  "Where did you go?  You looked far
away there for a minute."

"You're very perceptive."  I hesitated to tell him what I was really
thinking about.  But again -- I felt safe with Steve. "I was just
thinking that it might be better my first time with someone who knows
what they are doing!"

"Oh, well!"  He exclaimed.  "I can't claim any great prowess or vast
experience.  I've just had some experience -- that's all."

"We can't seem to get off this subject, can we?"  I said.  "What was
it we came here to talk about, again?"

"Well, originally it was your counseling session with that Seth guy.
Was there more that you wanted to say about that?"

There really wasn't but I wanted to change the subject from where it
kept going.  "Only that you should see the Smith family!"  I told him
how rich they were, how both of their children were gay, and that they
were so kind to all them, their friends and cousins.  I described their
house and the guest house that Seth and Luke stayed in as best I could.

"Their son, Jake, and his -- well, husband -- along with their cousin
and a former roommate, and both their lovers-slash-husbands -- and their
six children -- live on a compound in Vermont.  They adopted a family of
children that recently had been given up to an orphanage, when their
father was killed in a war.  The mother could not care for them.  They
split the children between the three couples, but they found out who the
mother was, and brought her here to give the children the normalcy of
having a mother."

"Wow!  It sounds too idyllic."

"Probably wouldn't work if two of the guys weren't so rich.  But they
are.  They have a compound similar to the Kennedys'."

"Do you want kids?"  He said.

"Doesn't everyone?"

"I'm not so sure about that."

"Don't you?"

"Yeah.  But I too feel that they need a mother in their life.  It would
be hard to do that as your friends have done."

"I doubt it was that easy for them."  I said.

"Your maturity in so many things is amazing to me!"  He said.

We talked into the evening.  There was no talk of staying the night.  At
about 11:30, I said I should be getting back.  He was almost falling
asleep in front of the fire.  Well, so was I!  He popped up and grabbed
our coats and threw mine to me.  Before he opened the door, he asked,
"May I kiss you?"

"I've been dreaming of it all night!"  I said.

He wrapped his arms around me and kissed me tenderly.  Not too much
tongue.  But so tenderly.  Our bodies were in full contact.  I could feel
his soldier getting aroused, as I am sure he felt mine.  Then he took me
home.

At home I fell into bed.  Before I was completely asleep, I heard John's
familiar tap on my door.  I ignored it.

Notes:  No note is necessary here.  It would spoil the sweetness --
right?"  But your comments are welcome any time.  To Steve at
stevethomas535@hotmail.com.  Thanks and love, Steve