Date: Tue, 04 Oct 2005 20:23:41 +0000
From: Steve Thomas <stevethomas535@hotmail.com>
Subject: Jamey is Gay, Ch 17

This is a work of pure fiction, but based on the author's feelings,
beliefs, and in some cases, experience.  Come to think of it -- it might
not be very pure either! There may be graphic sexual encounters at times
between men, so if this offends you, you are invited to retreat.  If you
are too young or it is otherwise illegal for you to be reading this kind
if story, shame on you for reading it - - please stop here.  If not, - -
ENJOY!


Cast of Characters:

James Thomas Arthur (Jamey)

Harold Brian Arthur -- Jamey's Brother (Habby)

Harold Garfield Arthur -- Jamey's dad

William Pitts -- Roommate (Will)

Ronny -- Will's best friend.

George Wiggins

Darrel -- George's roommate

Dr. Steve Jordan -- Doctor

Grant (Buddy) Windward -- Waiter at Holdren's

John -- Neighbor across the hall.

Jerry -- John's roomie

From Chapter 16:

"Hello?"

"Jamey!  Glad I caught you!  I have an opportunity to go to Bermuda -- a
continuing education opportunity - next weekend.  I can take a friend --
or rather -- I want to.  I could only think of one friend I want with
me.  Can you go with me?  It's only for the weekend."

I was speechless.

Chapter 17

"I need to make reservations today.  Can you call me back before noon?
If you can't go -- I'll go alone, but I really don't want to."

"Uh -- yeah.  I'll definitely call you back before noon."

"Oh!"  He said, sounding surprised.  "Okay.  Is there a problem?"

"I'm sort of with someone else at the moment."

"OH!  I mean -- oh.  When did this happen?"

"No, I don't mean -- I mean -- someone is here."

"Oh!"  Sounding relieved, he said, "Okay, I hope I didn't put you in
an awkward position."

"No -- it's okay."  I said, feeling very much like a liar.  I never
felt so awkward in my life!  "I'll call you in a bit."

"Okay.  Bye"

I was in my bedroom.  I called Dad in.  "What's wrong, Son?"

I told him my dilemma.    "What is it you really want?"  He asked.

"WHAT DO YOU WANT!  WHAT DO YOU WANT!  WHAT DO YOU WANT!  WHAT DO YOU
WANT!"  My nightmare came back to me.

"I don't -- I mean I'm not - - sure.  I really am confused.  What do
you think I should do?"

"I don't know how it is in the gay community, but when I was your age,
even if a guy was not engaged, usually by twenty, he was dating -- well
-- exclusively -- one girl at a time.  That is much easier.  What's
normal for gays -- I just don't know."

"I think -- it's pretty much the same -- for -- us.  But -- I just --
LIKE all three of these guys so much!  What can I do?"

"Well, you really need to make up your mind -- I think.  Tell you what:
Now this is nothing I will try to hold you to, but why don't you try to
decide before your birthday.  Try to make it a goal."

"Who do YOU like best?"  I asked my dad.

"That's not fair, Jame.  I don't really know the other two.  I hardly
know Grant."

"Yeah -- I figured.  But -- no `gut feeling'?"

"I really like Grant -- but -- no."

"You know what my problem is?"  I asked.  "Well, our birthdays are
week after next -- Tuesday and Wednesday.  If I go to Bermuda with Steve,
then it won't be a fair comparison.  He'll be the last one I'm with.
And Bermuda -- well, that's got to be romantic.  I will feel like I love
him most -- probably."

"Well, if you feel that way -- why not just decide now?"

"Because now I'm with Bud -- I mean Grant -- and I feel like I love him
the most -- now."

"<Sigh!>  Well," dad started, "make a list.  Make a list of everything
you like about each guy."

"Yeah, Ross did that on friends.  That was a disaster for him!"

"But this is real life, and the other guys don't need to know."

"Okay.  We better get back before Habby and Grant start to wonder
what's going on."

"Probably too late for that." Dad said as we walked back to the
kitchen.

As soon as we were somewhat alone, Buddy said, "Oh! You were asking
about next weekend?  I almost forgot.  Norm asked me -- to do something
with him.  So I guess I'll be staying in Santa Barbara next weekend."

"Oh!"  I said, feeling relieved on one hand and way too jealous on the
other!  I felt like crap again.  I left Habby and Buddy alone again and
called Steve back.  I told him I would go to Bermuda.

"You don't sound too excited."  He said.

"Oh -- well -- I'm kinda tired, I guess.  Sorry.  I've never done
anything like that.  It IS exciting."

"Good!  I'll look forward to it too!  Gotta go to surgery.  Talk to you
later?"

"K.  Bye."

I felt guilty talking to Steve while I am with Buddy.  But I couldn't
tell that to Steve -- or Buddy.  I started to make a mental list in my
head.  I knew my dad meant a written list, but it didn't take long to
decide that it was between Steve and Buddy.  John was still undecided
whether he was gay, straight or bi.  I decided I don't want to deal with
his decision process -- at least at this time.  How to tell him -- or --
ask him if we can just be friends - -

"Wow!"  said Buddy.  "You're a thousand miles away.  Can I come
too?"

"What?  Oh!  Heh!  You were talking to Habby.  I didn't want to bother
you.  He sure likes you!"

"Well -- what's not to like?"  He quipped.

Indeed, I thought.  What's NOT to like?  I chuckled.

We played some games all afternoon.  Dad got some Chinese take-out for
dinner, then Buddy and I left for school.  We stopped by his house before
we left town.  I made at least one decision.

"I'll be right out, Jamey.  Just got a couple things I want to get."

"I'll come with you."  I said.  He looked at me strangely, as if he
knew what I was about to propose.  When we got into the house, I stopped
him and turned him to me.  Looking deeply into his eyes, I said, "Bud --
have you -- um -- ever -- had -- anal?"  I turned almost purple, as I
watched his changing expression.  He at first had a "Wha- at?"  look,
then an embarrassed look.  Then he answered.

"I -- um -- don't know how to -- well  -"  He stammered, then cleared
his throat.  "Yeah." He said hoarsely.

"Okay.  No, really it's okay, Bud.  Um -- top or bottom?"

"Well -- both.  Look, I didn't want to - "

"Buddy, it's okay -- REALLY.  I -- um -- want you to be my first."

"But I thought you said you wanted to save - "

"I wanted to save it for someone I love.  Buddy, that hasn't
changed."  I waited a moment for that to sink in.  Tears came to his
eyes.

"Jamey, I -- I am -- so sorry."

"Why -- why?"

"My other -- fucks -- that's what they were -- had nothing to do with
love.  The first time, I was raped by my uncle -- years ago when I was 11
years old.  I really liked him.  He didn't look twice at me before I
came on to him one night when he stayed at my place.  Mom was still
here.  He just said, `Boy, you want me to teach you about sex?'  I said
yes.  He told me to turn over.  We slept in the same bed.  He took me
fast and hard.  I was a pretty tough little kid.  I gritted my teeth and
took it -- as I thought -- like a man.  He used lube, but it was only for
his own comfort.  I hurt for a month after."

"Shit!"  I said.

"The second time was not much better.  It was the same uncle.  He came
to stay with us again about two years later.  In that time, I had grown a
lot bigger -- I mean my dick and stuff.  He played with my boner that
time.  I liked that.  He sucked me off then turned me over and pretty
much tore me up again.  I cried to myself most of that night.  That was
the last time with him."

"Did you tell your Mom?"

"No.  The sick thing was -- I wanted more.  I thought I loved him.  I
would have done anything for him."

"How old was he -- at that time?"  I asked.

"I dunno -- 35 maybe."

"Where was your dad?"  I asked, by now mortified.

"Prison.  It was his brother who got me -- who I loved so much.  After
Dad went to prison -- for -- get this -- child rape -- I thought that
Uncle Marvin would be like another dad to me."

"Wow."  I said.

Tears still flowing, he said, "The stupid thing is -- I still love him!
I sometimes wonder if he even remembers me, or was I just one of many
that he took advantage of?  That reality is what hurts me so much -- what
makes these f-ing tears.  Why did you ask?"

"You said that you have done both -- top and bottom.  What was the top
like?"

"I was drunk -- hardly remember it.  All I remember was that he made me
wear a condom -- thank God for that!  That was when I was pledging a frat
when I first came here.  I let one of the frat guys do that to me.  It
was then I decided that I was never going to let that happen again.  I do
remember that he liked it -- a lot!  Again -- why are you asking me this
now?"

"Buddy -- I want you to be my first."  I said, looking from eye to eye
for some kind of positive reaction.  "Now -- here -- before we go
back."

"Wow."  He said.  He looked at me through wet eyes for about 45
seconds, then grabbed me and pulled me to him.  He could hardly talk, he
was so emotional.  I wondered if this was a mistake.  "Top or bottom?"
He asked.

"What do you suggest?"  I asked.

"Jamey -- you know I'm pretty -- um -- well, big.  I don't want to
hurt you."

"I think it'll be okay.  I have been practicing."

"What with?  A polish sausage?"  He reared back and asked, his eyes
revealing a little humor with his tears.

"No -- practicing relaxing.  I think I can do it."

"It still might hurt.  The first time is seldom that good.  But -- if
you want, I'll be as careful as I can.  And when I'm finished -- I want
you -- in me."

"How big was your uncle - I mean his dick?"

"I don't know.  At that age, anything hard looked huge to me.  You
wanna start out in the shower?"

"Naw.  Maybe we can do that after."  I said.  "Oh!  Do you have any
lube?"

"I got some hand cream stuff.  I use it after working in the yard in the
summer."

"Will that work?"

"I don't see why not.  It works for me when I'm alone!"  He said with
a wink and a smile.

We took off our clothes and after some perfunctory foreplay -- kissing
and cuddling -- and stuff - he put the stuff all over his soldier.  He
was about to try to stick it in.  "Wait!"  I said.

"What??  He said.  "Change you mind?  It's okay if you did."

"No -- but first -- um -- use your fingers."

"Oh!  Okay."  He got his hand all slippery from his soldier, and then
went to put it in me.  I tried to relax and it was difficult at first,
but as he kept up the probing with his fingers -- starting at first with
one, then more, it felt better and better, until I was starting to
breathe pretty hard.  I wanted his soldier so bad!

I turned over on my back and asked him to go for it.  "I -- don't know
if it'll work this way."  He said.  "I was always on my knees, and --
he -- oh!  It DOES work!  Ready?"

"I'm MORE than ready Bud!"  I almost hollered.

He pushed against my anal sphincter.  I tightened it up, then with all my
willpower -- I  relaxed.  He eased in ever so slowly.  I could see love
and concern in his eyes.  When he was all the way in, he slowly pulled
out and then I wrapped my legs around his butt and pulled him back in.
Each time he took it out, I pulled him back in, faster and faster.  I
watched his eyes continually,    Not much time went by before his eyes
were shaking and he looked unsure.

"Jamey -- I don't have a condom!"  He said.  I looked at him and
pulled him back in again.  My mind was spinning a mile a minute.  "If
the last time with your uncle was 8 years ago, and he is healthy -- then
I am not worried!"  I said, "Go for it Babe!"

He started to ram it home and I kept my legs in time so he'd know it was
what I wanted.  It hurt, sometimes a lot -- it brought tears to my eyes.
But I craved for him to explode in me.  When he did, he cried out like an
animal.  I momentarily wondered about his neighbors, but decided if he
wasn't worried -- neither was I.

He collapsed on me.  I pulled the covers up.  He lay there and I could
feel his soldier shrinking back to soft.  His eyes were closed, but he
said, "God, I love you, Jamey!"

"I love you too."

"I'm so -- sleepy.  Can't help it -- this seems to always do it to
me."

"I know."  I said, grinning.  "Maybe we can drive back to school
tomorrow morning early."

"Jamey -- wake me up -- no kidding -- in the middle of the night.  I
want you!  In me!  But I want to be awake to know it -- and enjoy it --
fully!"

It was still pretty early -- only about 6:45 PM, so I again covered him
up and I went to his front room and switched on the TV.

All I could find in the way of entertainment were old reruns of Friends
and Queer Eye, but I was preoccupied with my list.  I still didn't want
to write it down -- not when Buddy could appear at any time.  But After
my initiation to full union with Buddy, I felt loved and full.  It was
hard to think of anyone else. I went into the bathroom and released his
spunk into the toilet.  Even that felt good, though it was messy.

I went back and sat back down in his big easy chair and started thinking
about Steve.  I tried to disconnect myself from my most recent experience
in Buddy's bed.  Not possible.  Then I remembered what Buddy said about
giving myself to him completely while we were together.  I gave in to it
and watched the TV - - and zoned.

It wasn't more than an hour, when Buddy appeared before me, naked, and
sexy as anything.  I was sitting and he was standing, so his half firm
soldier was about the height of my face.  I grabbed it and pulled him on
top of me.  I too was naked.  We both were instantly aroused.  He got
back up and pulled me into the bedroom.

He lubed his hole up and then commenced kissing and caressing my body.  I
returned the favors.  Before long we were both raging sex machines
again.  He then lubed up my soldier and with me on my back, he sat on
it.  He humped me up and down for a time, then got off and lay on top of
me kissing me deep.  I was so desperate to get off, but I let him lead
the way.

He then lay down on his back and raised his feet over his head.  He
directed me into position, and he rested his knees on my shoulders, and
told me to ease into him.  I did -- quite easily.  My soldier was like
most Marines:  Small, hard and ready for action.  When I initially went
in, he involuntarily squeezed me out, but after that first rejection, he
relaxed and let me in.  I was not long enough to do the act and at the
same time kiss him, which I dearly wanted to do, but he didn't seem to
mind.

As I gathered steam, his eyes were riveted on mine.  At the very first
thrust -- where he pushed it back out -- there was a hint of fear, but
after that his look was nothing less than loving, excited and - -
hungry!  I started slowly and he moaned each time I went in.  It was an
appreciative moan that only intensified my own mounting excitement.

As I increased in speed, it felt like I was going deeper with each
thrust.  I didn't notice how aroused I was getting until my own moans
got more and more intense.  My first reaction was to quiet down, but then
I remembered how Buddy had let his go.  I started to grunt and moan
louder and louder, and that intensified my deeply moving orgasm even
more.  It seemed to come from the center of my being.  Then I noticed
that Buddy was also moaning loudly.  He got a wild look in his eyes and
as I started to scream out my ecstacy, he was right there with me.

Then I felt the warm, electric feeling of my orgasm explode.  Wave after
wave of euphoria spasmed my body, as I heard someone screaming out with
delight.  Really it was two someones screaming, and I felt his warm spunk
hit and run down my chest and face.  When we were finished, I fell with
all my weight on top of him.  He was breathing every bit as hard as I
was.

I tried to get off -- to relieve him of the heavy dead weight of my
thoroughly spent body, but he held me fast where I was and lowered his
legs.  I quickly slipped out of him.  Even that felt like heaven.
Finally, when our breathing returned to something close to normal, he
said, "That was - - indescribable.  Jamey, that was the most perfect act
of -- well, love or something -- that I could ever even imagine.  We were
like - - "  He paused, unable to go further, as his face reddened and
tears sprang from his eyes.

I continued his conversation: "We were like one integrated machine.
Gosh I loved that.  I love you!"  I heard myself saying.

"Jamey," he said seriously, "I can break my date this coming weekend
-- if you want."  He searched my face for some approval of that idea.

I'm sure that I didn't need to say anything in return.  I felt my face
saying it all.  He continued, "But maybe you're not ready -- or -- I
mean, you have other plans, don't you?"

He had no way of knowing that, but again I know my face was doing all the
talking.  "Yeah -- er -- I mean.  Yes, I do."

"What're you doing -- if I can ask?"

I felt the former warmth being sucked out of me.  "Buddy, you asked me
to be 100% with you -- when we are together.  Can we just go with that
for now?  I loved -- what we did.  I love -- you!  I have to be sure,
though before -- I -- can - "

"Shhh -- sh."  He said. "I shouldn't have even asked.  I'm sorry.
Oh, Jamey, please don't cry."  He rolled both of us over on our sides
and began kissing my tears away.  "Jamey, this has been the most
powerful, most wonderful experience of my entire life.  It was enough to
make my uncle's treatment take it's proper place in my life.  Thank
you!  No matter what you decide, you have done that for me, and I will
never forget it or you."

"Buddy,"  I started but I could not put into words how I felt.  "When
you're Buddy, you are so wonderful and so sweet.  Why don't you show
this side of you to more people?  The Grant that you show at school is
cool, suave, and so very together -- and I'm sure many think you are as
hot as they come.  But -- have you ever shown anyone else this side of
you?  I don't mean the sex.  I mean this warm, caring, sweet, wonderful
boy."

"I'm afraid to.  I trust you.  Most of the world -- in my experience --
will shit on me when I let them see what is beyond that cool exterior."

"That's the nature of the world.  You have to let it run off your back,
and concentrate on the ones who appreciate you for the Buddy you are."

"I know.  And - - maybe I will.  And Jamey - ?

"What?"

"Don't let anyone tell you that your little man is anything less than
perfect.  That was more than I ever expected, and there was absolutely no
pain -- none at all.  You're little `soldier' as you like to call him
-- is the perfect size.  But most importantly -- it is connected to the
most wonderful boy I've ever met."

I felt the same about Buddy, but I held it back.  But I again kissed him
and this time I fell asleep cuddled in his arms.  I felt him shake me
awake.  "Jamey -- we really should get up and hit the shower -- get
cleaned up a bit before going to sleep.  I agreed, and we went together
into his small tub/shower combination.  Once there, with the hot water
washing over us, I woke up again, and so did he.  We performed some other
acts of love on each other, then got out and dried each other off.

"Do you wanna drive back now?"  I asked.

"Are you awake enough?"  He asked.

"I think I'd rather do it now than in the morning..  If I need to,
I'll drink Pepsis and eat chocolate all the way back.

We got dressed and set off for Santa Barbara.  It was about 11:30 when I
recognized the place he pulled off.  I looked over and he was snoozing,
so I gently applied the brakes and pulled off the highway.  He woke up as
I rolled to a stop.  "What?  Where -- Where are we?"  He said,
disoriented.  "Is everything okay?"

"Yeah.  I just had to stop and walk a little."  I lied.  "Wanna walk
with me?"

"Sure."

As soon as he got out, he knew where we were.  He took my hand and we
walked out of site of the highway.  We each again satisfied our burning
desires. And as we were buttoning, zipping and snapping, he again said,
"You are the perfect size!  I love the feeling of you little man in my
mouth.  No choking.  Just the most wonderful oral satisfaction I've ever
experienced."

"I've always been embarrassed by my size.  Thanks!  And Buddy, you were
amazing!  When we were standing up, you didn't hurt me at all.  Maybe
rear entry is better when you are hung like that.  I hope Habby is always
straight.  He would choke a horse -- at either end!"

"Skinny Habby?"  Buddy said.  "Well, as much as I found out I love
little cock, I still like to see magnificence.  Maybe his tool will serve
better in a vagina!"  We both laughed.

We drove back home.  He came in and slept with me.  We were asleep as
soon as our heads hit my pillow.

Tap tap tap.  I knew who that was.  I looked at my clock.  2:30.  This
was too much, I decided, and also I thought, this was as good a time as
any.  "Come in!"  I said, just loud enough to be heard outside the
door.

Buddy tried to get out of the bed -- I suppose to hide in the bathroom or
something.  I held him fast.

"Shh"  I said.  It was dark in the room and in the hallway, so John cam
in and sat on my bed.

"Been thinking about you all weekend."  He said.

I felt Buddy move beside me.  I looked over and in the darkness, it was
obvious that his head was propped up on his arm.  "Oh!"  John said.
"I -- er -- sorry!  I didn't -- I mean -- sorry!"

"Are you okay, John?"  I asked.

"Well, not really, but -- I just was -- I better go!"

"Are you sure?"  I said.  If you need to talk, it's okay -- Bud -- er
-- Grant is okay with that -- right, grant?"  I asked.

"No problem."  Said Buddy.

"No, I think I better just go back to my own room."

"John!"  I said, sweetly.  "You came over here for a reason."  I
threw back the covers.  "Just let me hold you far awhile.  You've
certainly been there for me when I needed someone!"

He stared to waver and he sat for a moment and considered it.  "No.
Thanks anyway.  Maybe next time -- I mean -- okay, this is silly.  See
you later.  Nice to see you -- er -- Grant.  You guys have fu -- I mean
sleep well.  Night."  He nearly ran back out of the room.

Buddy laughed and said, "That was interesting.  How often does he come
over here?  Never mind.  None of my business."

"No, it's okay.  He has been doing it pretty regularly.  Maybe this
will put a stop to it."

"Really?  You want him to stop?"

"Yeah.  He's out of -- I mean - "

"You were gonna say, `out of the running' weren't you?"

"<Sigh>  Yeah.  It's you and Steve."

"The good Doc Jordan."

"Yeah."

"And while I'm trying to fend off my date's advances, you will be with
him all next weekend?"

"Sorry.  I wanted to spare you, but yeah.  He's taking me to Bermuda."

"Bermuda!!!??"  Buddy exclaimed.  "Shit!  I can't compete with
that!"

"It's not that kind of competition, buddy.  You asked me to give myself
to you completely while with you.  I did that.  I'm still trying.  I
plan to do the same with him next weekend."

"Oh great.  So I get to imagine you and the doc doing all the things we
did this weekend!"

"Buddy, I'm sorry that you have to deal with my crap, but no!  Steve
and I have done exactly nothing so far.  He's a guy I really like, and
seem to be drawn to.  I love you, and I can't promise I won't love
him.  But if I don't find out, I'll forever wonder.  I just know it.
So you go on your date and give him all of you for your time together.
You owe that to him as much as I owed it to you -- and -- you owe it to
yourself -- and maybe me.  If we both give our all and still want to come
back to each other, then it will make us that much stronger -- won't
it?"

"It makes sense when you put it that way, but -- my heart isn't buying
it."

"Okay, then let your heart think and feel whatever it wants.  But be
open to anything -- okay?"

"Whattaya mean?"  He asked.

"This other guy -- you may fall for him big time.  And I may decide for
whatever reason that Steve is not for me.  And I could lose you.  That
does worry me, believe it or not.  I was extremely jealous when you told
me you had a date next weekend.  I have no right to be, but like you, my
heart seems to have a mind of its own."

"Yeah.  Like that's gonna happen."

"Well, it could."  I said.

"Well, for the record, at this moment in time, I want you -- only
you."  He said.

I wanted to tell him so much that I pretty much feel the same, but
something held me back.  "Buddy, we both have class tomorrow.  Look: I
will know after next weekend if I want to continue to date Steve.  And I
will promise you this -- well, almost promise you -- I will make my
decision by the first week in November."

"Ahh!  Not very smart, Sweetie Pie."

"Why?"  I asked, astounded in the quick change to Grant.

"Another week or so, and you can get birthday presents from all of us --
right?"

"All?"  I said.  "John is out of the picture now."

"Okay, both of us.  Well, that's good I guess.  I probably couldn't
compete with any gift a doctor would give to you!"

"Grant, Stop!"  I commanded.  "Buddy, come back."  I crooned.

"Jamey, we're one in the damn same!  I love you and it's gonna kill me
thinking of you `giving all of yourself' to the doctor."

"So you're gonna spoil your time with this other guy, huh?"

"I might just break the date anyway."

"Aw, don't do that!  Go and have fun with Norm.  Steve and I haven't
gotten to first base even!  I just have to know that -- he's not - - -
"

"The one?"  Buddy said.  He swallowed hard and said, "Okay.  I'll do
my best.  Do I get to see you this week?"

"If you want.  I want to see YOU."

"You're right.  We better get to sleep.  Night."  He rolled up into
the far edge of the bed, away from me.  I snuggled up close behind him.
He was shaking.  As I held him he shook even more and I couldn't stand
it.  We both cried ourselves to sleep.

When I woke up the next morning he was gone.  His place on the beach is
far from mine, but he maybe went to class and then took a tram back to
his room.  His stuff was gone.  I felt empty.  I contrasted that with the
feelings I had not even twelve hours before.  I tried to remember the
joy, the ecstasy we felt being together.  I could remember that it was
good, but the feeling now was only emptiness.

"Hey, Jamey!"  Steve's voice was welcome enough.  He called my cell
phone and brought me back to the real world. "How are you?"

"Okay."  I tried to sound happy.  It's Monday morning, though.

"Great!  Can I come get you tonight for dinner?"

"Sure."  I said.

"Jamey, if you are not interested, I will back off."

Damn!

"No -- I -- it's just -- it's been a rough weekend.  I couldn't sleep
last night."

"Want some sleeping pills?  I can get some samples."

"No.  What time tonight?"

"Seven okay?"

"Sure.  What shall I wear?"

"Well, do you want to go to Holdrens?"

"No!"  I said too quickly.

"Okay!"  he said.  "I thought you liked it when we went.  They have
good food, and I especially like that one waiter, uh - "

"Grant."  I said.

"Uh -- Yeah!  You know him?"

"He goes here to the university."

"Oh.  Well, anyway, he's always so nice to me.  Anyway, wear something
nice, we'll go -- somewhere."

"Great!"  I forced some enthusiasm.

I was pretty much on autopilot until about noon.  When I went to the
student center where I usually have been meeting Buddy for lunch -- or
Usually he was more Grant -- but he wasn't there.  I thought some more
about his counsel to me to give my all to whomever I was with.  Well, he
was actually just asking for my attention.  I had done that, and it
seemed to work well, until later on -- last night.

So, I decided to step out of my self pity and give my best to Steve
tonight.  By the time I got to my room, and was getting dressed in a silk
tee and a sport jacket, I was pretty much psyched up to have a good
time.  It was ten minutes before Steve was to pick me up.

Then it happened.

Beep beep beep.  My phone was telling me there was a text message.  From
Buddy.

"Jamey.  I know I told you I would wait.  But I can't do this any
longer.  I haven't been to class or anything today.  I walked back to my
dorm and have been in agony all day.  I have decided some things."  -
End of message.

Beep beep beep.  I finally decided to look at a list I made a long time
ago, of things I wanted in a partner.  One of the things that stood out
was this:  He has to be so excited and in to me that he can't think
about anyone else.  At first I thought that was immature and naive."  -
End of message.

Beep beep beep "But the more I think of it -- I was right.  I don't
want someone who isn't so much in love with me -- or excited about me --
that he has to put me on ice while he decides about someone else he
really doesn't even -- love.  I hope we can remain friends, but for now,
that"  - End of message.

Beep beep beep. "would be too painful for me.  So I don't want to see
you for awhile.  Give yourself -- all of yourself -- to Dr. Jordan.  He
seems to be a nice guy.  See you around.  Love, Buddy.

I dropped my cell phone as if it was a hot iron.  I was stunned.  How
could this happen?  NOOoooo!  My body felt cold, then it felt numb, then
it got hot -- all within a minute or so.  The heat started at my feet and
I could feel it work it's way up my legs and then up my torso.  When it
got to my face was when I lost it.  I collapsed into my desk chair, and
started to sob.

Knock knock knock!  Oh no!  Steve!  I exploded to the door, and pulled it
open, turning my back and said, "I'll be just a minute."  And I ran
for the bathroom.

"Jamey!  What's wrong?"  He said.  I stopped dead in my tracks.

Gathering every bit of strength I could find, I said, "I'll be just a
minute, Steve"  and went into the bathroom and closed the door.  I went
to the toilet and dropped to my knees.  I had not eaten any lunch,
because I was disappointed the Buddy wasn't there this afternoon.  I
started to heave into the toilet, but it was nothing but some water and a
lot of stomach acid.  I was forcing back the tears.  Then I felt hands on
my shoulders.

"Jamey,"  he said in the sweetest voice I had ever heard from him, "If
this is a bad time, I can go.  What's wrong?  Do you want to talk about
it?"

I shook my head.  "Well, - um -- I guess I better -- no, I can't leave
you like this."  He said.  "Still having a tough time with Will?"

I grabbed on to that.  I turned and cried, "I'm just so confused!"  I
then went to the sink to wash my face.

"Do you want me to leave?  We can do this any time."

I turned suddenly and cried, "NO!  Don't leave me like this.  I just -
- need - - to have someone -- here."  I turned back to the sink.

He again put his hands on my shoulders.   He massaged them and said,
"I'll stay as long as you like, Jamey."  I melted a little as his
fingers worked themselves deep into the shoulder tissue.  I almost fell
back against him.  He deftly caught me and led me out of the bathroom.
He sat me on my chair and he sat opposite me on my bed.  "You wanna
talk?"

Again I shook my head.  He put his hand on mine -- ever so gently.  My
mind was going a million miles an hour.  I wanted to tell him -- or
someone -- how I felt -- how I was hurting deep in my soul.  But I
didn't want to make the same mistake with Steve that I had with Buddy.
"Thanks.  I feel better just knowing you care."  Well that at least was
true.

"Someday we'll sit and laugh about this."  He quipped.

"You see us that far into the future?"  I said.

"Well, I mean -- that is -- er -- maybe this weekend -- maybe then
we'll laugh about today."  He was clearly back-tracking, trying to take
his foot out of his mouth.

"Oh yeah,"  I said.  I paused for too long, thinking of what I could
say.  "About this weekend."

"Yes?"  He said, sounding worried.

Notes: What is a 20-year-old boy to do?  Can he be ready for a committed
relationship?  Is he no more than an overgrown teen?  Comments always
welcome.  Address them to Steve at stevethomas@hotmail.com.  Thanks and
love, Steve