Date: Sun, 16 Feb 1997 21:17:43 -0800
From: Jeff Stewart <jhstewar@midway.chicago.edu>
Subject: Jeffs-bad-day

5454 South Shore Drive
						Chicago, IL 60637

						February 16, 1997

Dear Chris,
	I haven't killed myself yet, so I'm not going to.  It was really
tempting for a while.  I had a really bad day yesterday.  Worse than
anything you've seen in the movies or anything.  My father found out. 
In the worst way possible.  Now that he knows, I don't care who knows.
	Ever since we met on the Internet, I asked you for advice, I told you
my problems, and I enjoyed getting to know you.  Well, as much as you
can get to know somebody by typing and making a few phone calls.  I
haven't felt so bad physically since a nasty track meet.
	Anyway, I'm going to have to start seeing a psychologist.  I don't know
how to deal with all the problems that started, and my dad is making me
do it, or else he will disown me.  He thinks he can change me, and who
knows?  Maybe the shrink will help.  I should start at the beginning.  I
really don't know what I'm going to do.  This is still all pretty
recent.
	Yesterday, I was really depressed.  All I've heard from everyone else
around the music department is the fun they're planning with the
girlfriends and boyfriends, even everybody in the physics department has
been talking about the fun they were going to have Friday night.  Well,
since Sean, I still haven't found anybody.  And he was just a few
times.  I think I might have just been convenient for him.  I don't
know.
	I thought hard about how hard I've worked this year and last year.  I
deserve a better Valentine's Day than sitting alone at home.  Chris,
there's a freshman in one of my classes who I always thought was good
looking.  His name is Michael and he's thin, but he has a lot of skin if
you look closely at him because I found out that he used to be fat, but
he lost a lot of weight right before he came to college.  Shut up, I'm
telling this story.  You know how I'm always wound up and come off as
tight.  He didn't notice me at all.  He doesn't really notice anybody
because he's one of the only freshmen in the class.  He's pretty shy. 
Yesterday, I caught him before he went into class and tried to strike up
a conversation with him.  I made sure to ask one of the other guys in
the class how their Valentine's Day was going to go loud enough so
Michael could hear.
	Then I asked Michael if he had any plans for Valentine's Day so it
didn't come off to everybody around like I was asking him on a date.  He
sighed really loud and said, "I wish!"  That was enough conversation, so
I went into class and started talking to someone else.  I didn't want
anybody to think that I was trying to pick him up.  I've never had the
courage to ask anyone at my own college out.  I have always thought that
there are enough other colleges in Chicago that I could find someone
from one of those and keep my identity secret to everybody at my own
college.
	All during class I tried to think of an excuse to ask Michael to come
over to my place.  What good reason do you have for inviting somebody
over that you don't really know?  He'd know that I had nobody else to
spend my time with on a Friday night.  Even if he was actually
interested in me, he'd probably say no because he'd think I was a
loser.  Normally, I'd just put it off for another week and spend the
time alone, but everybody had been building up Valentine's Day for so
long, that I guess something just snapped.  And all year he seemed like
the kind of person who would say yes.
	After class, I asked Michael if he could come over since I had a
problem with my computer and no one could fix it, but I thought he might
be able to.  I offered to pay him.  As soon as I asked that, I knew it
was stupid.  But it worked, I guess.  It was my last class on Friday,
and his last one too.  His face didn't brighten, but he said, "Sure." 
And then I realized just how much he didn't know about me because he
asked me my name.  "You're Jeff, right?"
	"Yeah, Jeff Stewart and you're Michael.  Do you go by Michael outside
of class?"
	"Yeah."
	When we got to my place, I hung up my trenchcoat and offered to take
his coat too.  I had to move my trombone out of the way so we could both
sit at the computer.  He said that he played violin in high school and
was thinking of taking lessons up here.
	Anyway, it was true that there was a problem with the computer.  It
kept crashing in the middle of things, but Michael couldn't figure it
out any better than anyone else could.  He got frustrated, and I patted
his shoulder and said, "It's O.K.  The more people who look at it, the
better the chances are that someone will know the answer."  I think he
liked my hand on him.
	"Let me try a few more things."  Michael went back to typing and moving
the mouse.  He was getting as intense as I can get, and I kept my hands
on his shoulders and started to rub them.  He smiled really big for the
first time.  "Keep doing that, and I could spend all night working
here," he said.  That sounded like a cue to me.
	I tried to be cool, but my voice squeaked when I said it and I sounded
like an eighth grader, "Well, I'd be willing to do this all night if
you'd be willing to go at it all night."  
	He was still smiling, and his smile got bigger.  It was really genuine
and made him look pretty cute.  I took this as a good sign.  He scooted
forward in the chair and was still looking around system folders on the
screen.  Meanwhile, I moved my hands from his shoulders down to his
back.  I pressed into the back of the chair so that if he turned around,
he wouldn't be able to see my hard on.  
	"That feels really good, Jeff."  He pushed the keyboard away, crossed
his arms, and put his head down on the desk and closed his eyes.  I
moved my hands all around his back and shoulders.  I almost touched his
butt once or twice.  I went back to his shoulders, and then worked my
way down his back again and reached till the tips of my fingers touched
where his body met the seat.  "You really know what you're doing.  This
is very relaxing after a tough week."
	"If you want to take a break from sitting and staring at the screen,
you could stretch out on my bed."
	He lifted up his head, turned around, and looked at me.  "O.K."
	I had to clear it off, and he helped me, then he took off his shirt and
lay on the bed with his face in the pillows.  I guess it was about then
that I realized for the first time what was happening and I got really
nervous.  To my credit, I didn't throw up.  But I couldn't breathe, and
I couldn't hear.  My ears were ringing.  I had to steady myself so I
gripped his shoulders hard and rested a lot of my weight on him.  I
guess I gripped hard because he took a fast breath of air, but he didn't
move.  He just wasn't expecting it.  My heart was beating really fast. 
It was hard to rub his back because my hands were so sweaty, but I just
used the tips of my fingers. 
	I don't think he tried to say anything, but I wouldn't have known
because I really couldn't hear.  I couldn't see either.  I don't know if
my eyes were open or closed, but it was like I was in the middle of a
cathedral that was thirty stories high inside and I was alone, but there
were dancers dancing in place lining the walls of the cathedral all the
way to the top singing on ledges with arches and columns.  I don't think
I'll tell the psychologist about that part of the experience, but it was
weird.  I've never been so far away from reality while I was awake.  I
just hope that Michael didn't notice how scared I was.  
	I wasn't scared of him, just of the situation.  My hands were still
wet, so I went down his back, brushed my hands lightly over his butt,
and started to squeeze the backs of his legs.  This way, I dried my
hands on his jeans.  On the way back up his body, I kneaded his ass.  We
were way outside the bounds of straight guys.  I wondered if he thought
of himself as gay like I do, or if he just liked experimentation that a
college freshman might tell himself is O.K.
	I went up and down his legs one more time to make sure my hands were
dry, and then glided up his back again.  He was really relaxed.  All of
a sudden he tensed up, and I tried to figure out what I did wrong, but
he moved and then I realized that he was turning over.  His eyes were
closed, like if he didn't look at me, it wasn't really happening, and I
could do anything I wanted.  It looked like he had a hard-on.  I started
at his shoulders again.  My arms were beginning to get a little tired,
so I slowly got out of the chair beside the bed, and sat on the side of
the bed.  His eyes were still closed, so I wasn't too worried about him
seeing my hard-on.  Besides, now I was pretty sure that he had a hard-on
too.
	His face was relaxed, but he had a little smile like he was content and
enjoying everything.  I felt his breasts and rubbed and dug my fingers
into his flesh.  My hands moved down over his smooth ribs and to his
stomach.  Very gently my fingertips touched him and moved up and down
his front.  Sometimes I would play with his naval.  My arms spread apart
a little and my hands touched his sides.  I went almost to his armpits
and down to the top of his jeans a few times.  I though about going
below his jeans, maybe even inside.  My mouth was really dry and I was
breathing so hard, I had to open my mouth and breath through it instead
of just my nose.  I hope that he didn't notice.  I had another weird
flash like I couldn't or see anything.  My pulse was like 150 or 160. 
My body was going like I had just finished running a sprint at track
practice.  My hands were wet again, and it was hard to by cool and rub
Michael because of the moisture so I moved my hands along his sides and
went down his legs, drying them again on his legs.
	He still had the same expression on his face, he hadn't moved.  My arms
were still beginning to hurt.  I wanted to get in a more comfortable
position and I decided to take a chance.  I shifted one leg over his
body and straddled him, but didn't let myself totally relax.  I leaned
forward and put a lot of weight on my arms and pushed into his chest and
then up on his shoulders.  Then I carefully sat down so my crotch was
right on top of his.  I leader even further forward and I gripped his
shoulders tightly and pushed my feet down to his feet, then I let my
chest down meet his.  My face was only a foot from his, and I was lying
on top of him.  He still had his eyes closed.
	I wanted him to open his eyes, so I waited for him to do something and
I didn't move.  I just lay on top of him and held myself up with my
forearms.  My breathing was still heavy and I tried to force myself to
relax.  I took a deep breath and tried to breath with my mouth closed. 
I was envious of Michael because he was so cool throughout the whole
thing.  He finally opened his eyes and looked at me.  I think he tried
to study my intentions.
	Michael moved his own arms back and lifted his head closer to mine and
kind of tilted it a little.  And then he kissed me.  He put his lips on
mine and pressed a little.  I was surprised and I inhaled through my
nose, and my dick got even harder.  We stayed like that for a long time,
maybe five seconds or even ten, and then he put his head back down and
gave me a really nice smile.  Whenever I try to smile at people I always
feel awkward, but I couldn't help myself and I remember smiling back at
him.  I guess it wasn't awkward because it was one of the only times I
remember having a genuine smile in a long time.  I hope it looked as
good as I felt.
	He reached down between us and tried to get his hands near our
crotches.  I lifted myself up a little bit and he moved in and undid his
pants.  Then he reached up and undid my pants.  I opened my legs and
spread them apart, then I tugged on his pants to pull them off.  It
didn't work very well, so I tried stay cool and got back so I was
straddling him again.  I scooted back and sat at the end of the bed and
pulled his pants off and threw them on the floor.  His underwear, silk
boxers, stayed on.  I think his dick held it around his waist.  I took
my shirt off and lay back on him.  His flesh was right under mine and
when we touched I wanted to crawl right inside him.  I felt like I could
feel everything that he felt.  I could feel his heart beat and his lungs
breathe.  I almost could feel the sheets under him, I was so close to
him.  He reached up and grabbed the back of my head and pulled me down
to kiss him again.  Then he worked my pants down to my ankles.  My feet
pushed them off.
	I felt Michael's hands grab me and turn me really quickly onto my
side.  I don't know how he did it.  Then, all of a sudden, I was on my
back and he was on top of me instead of the other way around.  He kissed
me again, but he had al lot of saliva in his mouth and when he pulled
away there was still drool between my mouth and his.  It was gross but I
tried to force myself to enjoy it.  Then he kissed my neck and left spit
there too.  He really sucked on my neck and then he started to bite me,
but not very hard.  He went down and sucked on my nipple and then went
to the other one.  He was still leaving spit all over and it would get
cold.  He went straight down to my belly button and sucked on it hard. 
Then, just like he turned me over, he swiped my underwear down to me
knees.  I hoped that my five inches wasn't too much for him to take if
he was going to do what I think he was going to do.
	He did.  I was propped up on my elbows, and I couldn't believe it, but
he just took the whole thing in his mouth and once and started sucking
hard.  The sounds he made he a little dumb, but it felt great.  My back
arched and I got into it.  I didn't want to hurt him, but my hips
started to buckle and I went back and forth into his mouth.  It was
better than anything I have ever felt before.  I never wanted it to
stop, and it didn't for a long time.
	Michael's hand reached to my back and went down slowly.  He caressed my
butt all the time I was still enjoying having my dick in his mouth. 
Then, my eyes really got wide because he had put his finger really far
up my ass.  He pulled it out and I think the next time he put a few
fingers up there.  It was shocking but it felt really good.  It felt so
good, my body stopped responding and I stopped having any thoughts and I
just exploded.  I looked down at Michael, and he still was sucking. 
Either I didn't juice or he swallowed it all.  I think he swallowed it. 
It was incredible.  I collapsed and closed my eyes.  I was about to pull
him to me, but somebody was knocking on my door.
	"Oh, shit," I said.  Michael looked like he was bemused.  He wasn't out
was he?  I mean, I planned to get married and have kids and everything. 
He wouldn't tell anybody about this.  I hope.
	My body was all slimy, so I put on some fresh shorts and a T-shirt. 
Michael was out of sight of the door, but I only opened it a crack.  The
visitor made me lose feeling all over my body I was so nervous.  It was
my father, and he was in his uniform, no less.  I couldn't imagine what
he was doing here in Chicago and not back in Virginia.  What had he
heard?  Later I found he was just here for a conference meeting thing
and wanted to surprise me.  He did.
	He opened the door and walked right in.  I guess that he thought he was
my father and shouldn't need an invitation, and had a naked boy with my
jism still on his stomach been standing right there, I probably wouldn't
have given my father walking into my place without me first asking him
in another thought.  But my father had really bad timing.  He walked in,
and Michael wasn't hiding.  At all.
	I didn't think that he would have anything to say.  All he said was,
"Son."  I thought about telling him that we were just watching a porn
movie or looking at something on the Internet, but I think that he knew
better.  He's always suspected, I think. 
	"Jeff, tell this boy to get some clothes on.  I'll back in five
minutes."  He went outside.  There were tears in his eyes as he shut the
door.  I didn't hear him leave.  I think he was standing right outside
the door.  
	I was so scared that my mind was racing and I guess I was just standing
there because Michael had his clothes on and his backpack on his
shoulder when he came up behind me.  "Jeff, you're great.  I like you a
lot.  I want to help you get through this.  Give me a call when you need
me."
	I tried to think of something to say, but right now Michael was not my
main worry.  "Michael. . . ., You have to leave now."  I couldn't think
of anything else to say.  I hope I didn't hurt his feelings.  We opened
the door, and my Dad was standing there, facing away.
	Michael stepped out and looked at my father.  "Goodbye, Mister
Stewart."  And he left walking fast.
	My Dad came inside and sat down and I was still just wearing shorts and
a T-shirt.  I felt pretty small.  I wish Dad wasn't wearing his uniform.
	"I'm going to have to talk with your mother about this."  He paused.  I
had to go to the bathroom, but I didn't dare leave.  I sat on my legs to
try to make the feeling go away.  "Jeff, I simply do not know what to
say."  He stood up.  "Your mother and I have. . . "  He stopped and let
out a breath.  "You come to college, and we think that you're a
responsible adult.  You have a head on your shoulders, and . . . "  His
voice trailed off.  I didn't see any tears in his eyes at least.
	All of a sudden he sat down and reached for the phone.  "You shower and
get some clothes on.  We'll go out and eat as I originally planned, and
we can discuss this.  I'm calling your mother."  I showered, got
dressed, and we went out.  I didn't eat anything because I didn't think
I could keep it down.  It was all I could do to not cry.  He kept asking
me questions but I couldn't answer because I thought that I would start
crying.  I knew that my voice would break if I tried to talk.  The rest
of the night I just listened to him ask me questions and then answer
them himself.
	The bottom line is that every week I have to have an appointment with a
private psychologist who is going to evaluate me and report back to my
parents.  My life isn't over, but all of a sudden, I don't know what to
expect.  What can I do?  What do I do now?  Please let me know what I
should do.  I'm still so close to everything that's happened, I can't
see what I need to do.

						Your friend,
						Jeff