Date: Mon, 24 Jul 2006 17:58:40 +0000 From: Steve Thomas <stevethomas535@hotmail.com> Subject: Just-a-Normal-Boys-Dreams, Ch. 23 This is a work of pure fiction, but based on the author's feelings, beliefs, and in some cases, experience. Come to think of it -- it might not be very pure either! There may be graphic sexual encounters at times between men, so if this offends you, you are invited to retreat. If you are too young or it is otherwise illegal for you to be reading this kind if story, shame on you for reading it - - please stop here. If not, - - ENJOY! Cast of characters: Jack Smith -- uh -- that would be me Billy -- Jack's closest brother, 3 yrs older. Will Smith -- My dad Vivian Smith My mom Art -- Jack's oldest brother, 9 yrs older. Ralph Gilmore -- a new friend - deceased Stacy Whitworth -- a catalyst/friend George Toliver -- old grade school buddy George Toliver, Sr, -- (duh!) Cynthia Toliver -- (Mrs. Duh!) Jim Walls-- George's cousin Uncle Jake Smith-- Will's Brother Aunt Lindy -- Uncle Jake's wife Seth Gary -- One of Jake and Lindy's other nephews Etta -- The Jacob Smith's housekeeper. Jake Smith Jr. Jack's cousin Colin -- Jake's partner Carrie Smith -- Another of the Smith cousins Al -- Carrie's Partner Chris Gary -- Seth's older brother. Craig -- Chris's partner Mario -- Old high school friend Terrence Moynahan -- Carmel Architect Casey Bell -- Terrence's attorney From Chapter 22: Then we went back to my house and sat in the living room. Seth had me lie on the couch. (yes, psychologists really do that!) He told me a story. It sounded strangely familiar. It taught me I needed to forgive everyone that had hurt me by accident, and feel sorry for those who should have known better. He told me how I was probably feeling extremely guilty because of my newfound wealth. I was amazed that he knew that and told him it was true. I felt ungrateful and petty that I wasn't happy with all the stuff I could buy now while others I know were still struggling to make ends meet. He told me I indeed should not feel proud, because I did nothing to deserve it, but that I should also not feel guilty because it did not bring me any more joy than it did. But that's exactly how I felt! Mom and Dad came home. Seth asked if they would mind me going to the Santa Barbara for a few days, so he could continue to work with me. He of course asked me first. I told him that finals were next week and maybe after that I could come. "Okay, but I want you to call me every night -- and tell me how you are doing." "Okay." I said. I truly felt like he was my master -- maybe my mentor. After he and Luke left, Mom and Dad told me that if I were paying for this kind of therapy, it would cost a minimum of $60/hr. They also reminded me that it was Billy that had called and told Seth what was going on. Chapter 23 Thank God for finals. After Seth left, I had 2 more bouts with barfing, and more black stuff. I did the same as Seth made me do, and called him after, each time. I called him every day. I felt like I was falling in love with Seth! I know that was crazy, but I also knew from psych classes that it happens all the time. I found myself rationalizing irrational things. I tried to picture Seth, Luke and I, a happily in love 3-some! I wanked to that image. I dreamed about it. "So, how do you feel, now? Do you think you're done with the black barf sessions?" Asked Seth, 2 days before I was to join him at my uncle's house. "I -- I -- feel -- um -- well -- much better." "Yeah, I can tell you are sure about that!" He said sarcastically. "Have you been back to the bridge pier?" "Yes." "Jack -- what's bothering you? Never mind. Wait until you get here." "No -- I -- can't!" I blurted out. "Oh! Well, okay! What do you want to tell me, Jack?" "Seth, I know you're a reality therapist, and I have been finding -- um -- comfort in the realm of -- unreality -- I think." "You sure you don't want to wait until Friday -- when you get here?" "No -- I mean yes! I'm sure. Seth -- I think I'm in love -- with you." A long, embarrassing silence. I expected Seth to handle the situation, but he was speechless. I continued. "Seth, I'm not unfamiliar with this stuff. It's one of the first things we learned in high school psych: `The patient often forms a strong bond -- even falls in love with -- the therapist. This must be avoided at all costs.' It was on one of our tests!" "I know." He said hoarsely. "It's why I always try to either include Luke -- or make someone else watch me -- and my patient -- if I feel some attraction to him." That went through me like a bolt of lightning. Was he telling me that he is attracted to me? As if in answer to my un-verbalized query, he continued. "Jack, please do come Friday. Luke will be here, and we'll get through this. Just -- and I'm serious about this -- try not to fantasize -- about -- us. It's not gonna happen. I love Luke too much to let it happen. I know my weakness and believe me, we WILL not meet without Luke any more -- never." "Ok -- okay. I'll -- try -- I mean -- I'll see you -- Friday. Bye" I immediately hung up and wanked wildly, with visions of me, Seth and Luke. I couldn't get Luke's blue hair and purple eyes out of my mind! Afterward I felt extremely guilty. Thursday I got a call from Banff. "Hey, Jackamo!" It was George! My heart skipped a beat, and an electric shock went through me, and you can probably guess where it ended up! I forced myself to remain calm. "Hello George." I said it emotionlessly. But it wasn't how I felt! "Nice to hear your voice too!" He said. "What do you expect?" I said. "It's been 5 months. Jim's mom filled me in on your activities." "It's not the same without you, Jackamo!" "Stop calling me that! George, Jim won you fair and square. He was the highest bidder!" "Jack -- no -- it's not -- well -- Come up and join us! We both want you! I'm not sure we can hold it together -- just the two of us." "That's what you'll have to do. I have a life to live. Go live yours." "Jack, I admitted to Jim that I sometimes fantasize -- about you -- during sex. It was a huge risk. I was afraid he'd throw me out. But -- I wanted you that bad! But guess what? He didn't throw me out. He wants you too! He said he has fantasized about you too!" "Well, I can't tell you what to fantasize about. But please don't ask me again - Matter of fact - - please don't call again!" I hung up and went directly to the bathroom and chucked up my dinner. It wasn't black. It was -- the same color as my dinner! I rinsed my mouth and throat out as much as possible then went to the kitchen and ate the leftovers -- which were still cooling on the stove from dinner. I went back to my room and started reflecting. I fantasize about me, Seth and Luke, but thought it was ridiculous that George and Jim fantasized about me. Was I too hard on George? I called him back. "I knew you'd be calling back!" "Well then, I guess you were right. George I want to apologize. I had no right to be -- well, the only way I can describe it is -- mean -- to you. What I want you to know is -- when you called, my initial reaction was extreme excitement. But reality must dictate in my life. In my opinion, you're living in a fantasy world -- because you can. I'll never be part of that. I need a guy to be exclusively mine. I see that now, and I have to thank you for opening my eyes." "Huh?" He said, thoroughly confused. "George, I was doing the same thing. While making love to my hand, I was fantasizing about my cousin -- Seth -- and his partner. But I know I don't want a 3-some. I want a two-some. Anyway -- thanks for calling -- and clearing that up for me. And Sorry I was so cranky! I love you. Bye!" "Seth? I'm coming!" "Um - -- oh! Yeah! You said that earlier." He said curtly. "But I've had a serious reality check since then." "Jack -- tell me about it Friday. It's after 11:00 PM and you have interrupted something -- nice -- between me and my sweetheart! In the meantime think about our last conversation hard." "Oh. Sorry." "Bye." "Bye." I was considering this lesson on boundaries, and also involuntarily picturing what Seth and Luke may have been doing, when my phone rang again. I didn't recognize the number. "Hello?" I recognized the voice though! "Jim!" I said. He started talking and it was immediately evident that George had put him up to calling me. He went on and on, basically telling me the same things George did. I said, "uh-huh", and "mm-hmm!", etc., as I got out my hardening piece and pictured the very three some he was wanting -- me, Jim and George. I quickly came to my orgasm, and let it go loudly. "Jack! What happened? You just -- you -- did you just - - ?" "I did! Jim, you call after 11:00 pm and expect a conversation. I WANT you to call. I've wanted it for five months. And now you call me at 11:15 at night, interrupting a rather hella-wild session with my hand! Jim -- there has to be boundaries. If you were my lover, I'd not mind a bit -- but you're not -- are you?" "No." "You both made your choice. I guess you now have to live with it. I love you, Jim. Bye!" "Bye" He said, sounding totally defeated. I actually felt bad -- but -- didn't call back! One definite plus to all this was that I aced all my finals -- yeah -- ALL of them! Of course I didn't know that at the time, but I had a good feeling about it as I breezed through Thursday -- and my last test. Mom was unusually quiet at dinner. I figured out later that she was more than a little jealous of Seth. For herself but also for my dad. She saw my dad as my main counselor. I arrived at the Smith Manor at 10:00 AM sharp. Seth met me at the door. I didn't know quite what to say or do. "Have you given some thought to your feelings -- for me?" He said. "Yeah. I have." I answered. "And - - ?" "It won't be a problem -- any more!" "Good! C'mere!" He hugged as close as ever and pulled me into the flat. "Luke!" Seth cried, "Mr. Horny is here!" "Great! Did you thank him?" "Thanks me? For what?" "Your call precipitated a -- let's call it a `conversation' -- that we have been avoiding for months." "Omigod! I'm so sorry!" I said, sensing that "conversation" meant a fight. Luke appeared in nothing more than a loose, squarecut short swim suit, a darker color of purple than his eyes. It wasn't even June yet and he was as brown as bear! I almost drooled, as I couldn't help taking all of him in, as my eyes swept up and then back down. "That's okay, Dude! The makeup sex was totally worth it! It started out to be a good night and ended up nothing short of spectacular!" He grinned widely. "He's right about that!" Said Seth. "I'm glad I'm good for SOMETHING!" I said. Seth ignored the obvious put down to myself and went on, "That's something else. This has nothing to do with your current situation, but -- when you DO find another dude that you like -- don't let petty -- or even more than petty -- crap build up and screw up your relationship! That's what we did. Everyone does, and I -- I should be more aware than any! But it still happened." To answer my concerned look, he added, "It's not important what our differences were the other night -- only that they got in the way -- like a blockade -- to our relationship. As Luke said, it started out good -- and would have ended good, but instead it ended spectacularly." He grinned over at Luke. Luke then stepped closer to me and hugged me with his near naked body, and kissed my cheek. "You'll have to get used to him naked. He likes it that way. And to tell you the truth -- for several obvious reasons -- so do I!" And Seth kissed Luke on the mouth. "So -- tell me about what brought about this change -- in you -- this `serious reality check' as you put it." I told him about George calling and what I had learned -- and had reinforced by my call to Seth and by the call I received from Jim. He approved. "Jack, we have made a major decision -- brought on by our `discussion' the other night. We're moving to Vermont before the end of summer!" "Oh!" I said. "Wow! I don't know what to say. I'll miss you of course." "We'll miss you too. But my brother -- well, my BROTHERS -- have been persistent in nagging us for the last couple years. I can find work there as easily as here. There's never a shortage of screwed up people!" He laughed. "And Luke -- well, it doesn't matter where he lives." "I see." I said. "Well, I'm sure I'll still be screwed up when you leave, but maybe I can at least see the light at the end of the tunnel by then." "You have made amazing progress already. You'll be fine. Would it kill your parents if you moved up here?" "Huh?" "Uncle Jake and Aunt Lindy have been really been on me to encourage you to move in here -- in the flat. You can probably afford to go wherever you want now, but if you were here, we'd see you a lot more -- as we will undoubtedly be going back and forth a lot. My parents are still in Cerritos. Colin's and Denny's are nearby too." "I have given that some thought. I have also given thought to changing my major." "Really? I don't even know what your major was." "Maybe I should have said choosing my major. It was general ed. But I have made a choice now." "What would that be -- if you want to share it?" "I want to be a psychologist!" I said. Seth looked dumbfounded. "You have influenced me a lot in that decision." He became all smiles. "Then you really need to think of coming here! Well, at least I have had a good experience taking my training here." "Where did you train?" I asked. "Why, UCSB! I thought you knew that!" "I guess I did. But when you said training, it threw me off." "Oh! Okay. Well, anyway -- take me for a ride in your new car!" He said looking out the window. I threw him the keys. Take a ride -- the two of you. I'll go and put my stuff in the -- will it be the middle room again?" "No, the far right one this time. It's bigger." "That's what I need -- a bigger room!" I said, sarcastically. "You can have the smaller room if you want." "I want." "Why? Be truthful, now!" I turned red, because I suspected he already had me pegged. "I want to be closer to you." I confessed. "I guessed that, because -- Rob used to jack-off to the sound of my brother and Craig. They even would do it in the same bed, sometimes!" "When Jim and I were here, we didn't do what Jake and Colin did, but yeah, we did our own thing while they were doing theirs. It was pretty hot." "Jake and Colin did that? Did they know that you weren't exactly a couple yet?" "I -- don't know. Maybe not!" "Still, I may have to have a talk with them about that." "Oh, please don't!" I pleaded. "We're both okay! Well, at least nothing they did caused us any problem! Please don't scold them over me -- er -- us!" "Okay. We'll laugh about it some day!" Said Seth. I spent a week in Santa Barbara. We didn't do anything really different -- or even have any deep discussions. But just being there and seeing a normal relationship -- and what it's supposed to look like -- helped me a lot. I got used to being with them, and in that short week, I discovered that the familiarity, and my own conditioning myself that I could not always have what I wanted -- seemed to quell the compulsive desires I seems to have for Seth - - and Luke - - before I came there. Seth said it was okay to fantasize, but it probably was a good idea to keep it to someone I didn't know. He said, "Hey, if you want to fantasize about me -- and/or Luke -- I don't care. I can't for the life of me understand what you would fantasize about. We both are less than average in most ways." He said grabbing his crotch and grinning. "but usually keep the fantasizing to Matthew McConnaughey or some hung dude you saw in a porn film." "Oh! Is Matthew McConnaughey hung?" I said. Seth laughed. "I dunno! But put a perfect pretty face with your idea of the perfect pretty dick, and you have the ideal fantasy. For my money, I like little the best." "That's what all guys say -- that are little!" I repeated what I heard one of the other guys say. "You heard my brother say that! But it's true. Easy to suck on, easy on the bum! That's my story and I'm stickin' to it!" We all laughed. "And I'm glad he feels that way!" said Luke, whose squarecuts were tented out straight -- but not very far~! "And -- if I am not mistaken -- I saw you in the shower. You're not exactly huge!" Said Seth. "Nope. Pretty average. It's 5 ¾" long. It fits me!" I smiled. "You got an inch and a half on me!" Said Luke "And Luke and I are practically twins in that department. So together we have 9"! That's about the average length of one those guys you always read about in Nifty stories!" "Yeah! Why do I never see any of those guys in the gym at Cerritos -- or anywhere else?" I said. "Because they don't exist, except in Mr. Guinness's Book!" Said Seth. "That's what all guys say -- that are little!" I repeated. I got a double birdie from both guys -- and we weren't even golfing! FF (Fast forward) 20 years: "So you see, Ryan, I have gone through nearly everything that you are now experiencing. Being 17 is a wonderful time in your life, but it carries some serious trauma, if you take it too seriously." I had a very open relationship with my son. No holds barred. He sometimes had a hard time identifying with gay sex, but then he is straight, so far as we can tell -- so - - "But Dad, you're gay!" Said my son, bluntly. "Heh! Tell me something I don't know!" "It has to be different when you're gay. I'm straight. When you fell for George -- and then Jim -- what was the big deal -- when they got together -- you could have just moved on - - couldn't you. Why did you have to do all the psycho-talk to Uncle Seth?" "Rye, sometimes you don't even try to understand, do you? What I'm trying to tell you is that you think you're in love with this girl, and - " "You see, Dad! You DON'T EVEN get it!" Ryan said passionately. He was fighting a losing battle to keep tears from his eyes. "Dad! I AM in love with Noelle! And I think she's in love with me! Why does she have to make me feel so bad -- just because I want her to stop seeing Matthew?" "Because, at your age, Ryan, you just can't depend on anything being the same tomorrow as it was today or yesterday. People at every age change, but especially teens. They change daily, son." "That's BULLSHIT!" My son yelled at me, his eyes nearly overflowing. "I'm an adult now and - " "Watch your language, young man!" I said. "Son, you aren't even an adult LEGALLY yet. And it will be several years after that that you'll really be an adult." "If being an adult means I have to act like most I see, I don't ever want to be an adult!" "I agree with you on that point." "But I still FEEL like an adult -- at least when it comes to loving Noelle. But she won't commit to me!" I knew Ryan wasn't yelling at me. He was just so frustrated. I can remember that so clearly! "Dad, before you met Pop, how did you manage, after George and Jim fucked you up?" "Ryan, you KNOW I don't like you using that kind of language!" "I'm sorry dad. Everyone uses that word now. It's hard to remember it's `not legal' in this house. I'll try to remember. Anyway, so, what other fu -- I mean -- um -- did you date any other guys -- or fall for any other before you and pop got together? And -- what ever happened to George and Jim. Do you still hear from them?" "Yes. Well, not recently, but Jim found me about a year ago. What happened to them was sad. Sad for them and really, sad for me. I still have tender feelings for both of them. I don't suppose one ever loses them. George stayed with Jim long enough to help him waste all of his 25 million dollars. Then George left him for another guy - - with money." "What a creep!" "You know what? I don't feel that way. Jim chose to do what he did. Maybe his love for George blinded him a bit, but he wouldn't listen to me -- about saving or investing the fortune he got. Ryan, some people don't understand any of the laws of abundance. I believe God gives abundance to us to do good works with it. "And if we don't do good, then we waste it. I think Jim contacts me every now and then, probably just to check in. If anything happened to your Pop, I'd maybe consider seeing him -- I mean romantically, but he'd never get his hands on my estate. That will go to you and Ranee. And that won't happen for a long time, because both your Pop and I are in excellent shape." "You didn't always work out like you do now, did you?" "No. But when I moved into Uncle Jake's flat, and your Uncle Seth and Uncle Luke moved back to Vermont, they left all their weight training stuff. Your Uncle Rob had his full fitness gym built on the compound, so they didn't need it. I decided to start working out as soon as I moved to Santa Barbara. You know you're welcome to go over to Uncle Rob's gym any time!" I said, maybe looking a little too critically at my skinny boy. "I'll pass. I like running cross country. That's all the exercise I need. I don't see why you guys want to always have bulging muscles." "It's a gay thing, I guess." I said smiling. "So, Dad, tell me how you met Pop!" Even though I can remember a lot of when I was Ryan's age, I am still amazed how quickly a young man can go from the depths of despair to yet some other exciting thing. Not that the story of meeting and marrying Ryan's Pop was THAT exciting. But I guess Ryan is interested. So I continued telling Ryan about my life. After Jim and George, I sort of bounced around a bit, falling for one guy after another. Looking back on it, I think I wasn't falling so much for guys as I was in love with being in love. I loved the feeling. I kind of got used to the hurt of losing guys. I guess I'm more vulnerable than most -- I fall in love easily. I dated Mario probably for the longest of anyone. We had so much in common, coming from the same high school and all. But that didn't work out because he seemed to be stuck in '04 or '05. He could not live in the present. As soon as I received my doctorate in psychology, I moved back here to Vermont. I wasn't really ready, but a job came open at the clinic that Seth works in. And of course the fact that Uncle Jake and Aunt Lindy decided to move back there influenced me too. The hardest thing for them was that Carrie and Al decided to stay. They were too established in their lesbian community to want to leave it behind. But when we moved back, Uncle Jake and Aunt Lindy moved in with Jake and Colin while their house was being built. Etta of course came with them. "You mean that creepy old woman?" Ryan said. "Don't let me ever hear you call her that again. If you won't take the time to get to know her, it's your loss!" Anyway, I met and dated several guys. I never got involved with any that I felt comfortable going all the way with. I'm talking about anal sex. About a day after I moved, I met your Pop. Your mom was really ill with her mysterious cancer. You were only 4 and Ranee was still in diapers. Your parents were both very gay-friendly and of course living next to the Smith/Balser compound helped a lot in that department. All the Smith clan and Rob and Denny were excellent neighbors. When your mom got so sick and finally died, you kids -- and your dad -- were practically taken in as family. I think I fell for your Pop before he even knew he was gay! We met the first day I moved in to Seth's and Luke's house. I was waiting for the gate to open and your Pop pulled up next to me and pressed the button to open his own gate. He rolled down his window and waved, so I did the same. "Hello! I'm Ryan! Are you Seth's cousin, Jack?" "Yes!" I said curiously. "I live right next door!" Next door here of course means you guys were on the 40 acre plot next to the Smith/Balser property. "Nice to meet you, sir!" I said. "Please! Call me Ryan! `Sir' makes me feel -- hah! -- my age!" "I'm sorry, sir -- oops! Ryan. I call anyone I don't know `sir'. Old habits are hard to break." I was 27 at the time and Ryan was 35. Melissa -- your mom -- was already bedridden. It was of course tragic that a young woman of 32, with 2 young children, was dying of cancer. So we did everything we could to comfort your Pop. I was talking to him one day, and invited him over to play racquetball at Rob's. He was so stressed out over Melissa's illness and all. Luckily, your Pop worked from home and communicates his business over the internet. So he was always there with you and Ranee. Well, your Pop and I really hit it off! Nothing romantic, mind you -- or sexual even -- well, at least not on his part. He loved your Mom too much for that. But I have to admit, I was immediately attracted to him. He reminded me a lot of Jim at first. Tall and thin, smooth skin all over except his dark shadow of beard. That in itself, in a man, always made me drool! I became closer to your dad than anyone else in the compound. Your Uncle Seth talked to me about it. He didn't want me messing with your dad while your mom was still alive. He didn't have to tell me. I wouldn't have. But emotionally I think I was already falling. I dated guys I met here and there, satisfied some of my sexual appetite with some of them, but none measured up -- to your Pop! The only evidence that anything could have happened was in the showers at your Uncle Rob's Gym, I caught your Pop looking -- maybe it was longingly -- at me a time or two. I don't think I thought anything about it at the time. But looking back on it - - I had been working out for 7 years and he probably did like what he saw -- even though he had no intention of ever saying or doing anything about it. And I sure didn't! Your Mom's funeral was a sad affair. Her parents belonged to some old fashioned religion that dwelled on the sadness of death, rather than it being a renewal of life -- in a different realm -- like some others do. That's why we go to the church we do. They are more life oriented -- and -- they don't condemn gays -- that helps! Before Melissa died she told Ryan, "I don't want you spending any year or any set time grieving for me. Grieve and get it out of the way, then find someone else to take my place." She told him. "I want my children to have 2 parents!" "Heh! It was more like 3 parents!" Said Ryan Jr. "With you, Pop and Wally!" Yes, we were pretty sure your mom meant a mother and a dad for you. But it didn't work out that way, so we hired Willamina -- Wally -- to be your nanny and help out in that manner. "So you still haven't told me about how you and Pop got together!" "For a straight boy, I think you're a little too interested in this!" I teased. (He Giggled) "See?" I exclaimed, "You even giggle like a little fem poof!" "DAD!" Anyway, after your mom was buried, Ryan came over more regularly to play racquetball, then cards, and then he started to invite me over to dinner and watch movies while Wally went out to -- do whatever it was she did. One night, He asked me what it was like to be gay. "I don't quite know how to answer you." I said. "Probably like being straight, I guess -- except for that one important thing. (no pun intended!)" We laughed at that remark then Ryan said to me, "Jack -- you're my best friend -- you know that -- right?" I probably thought about it too long, because he looked pained when I started to answer. "I never thought about it that deeply, I guess, Rye. But -- yeah, I feel the same. Can I tell you something personal?" "Of course. You can tell me anything, Jack." "And you know you can tell me anything too -- right?" I said. "Uh -- yeah -- uh -- anyway, Have you ever -- I mean -- I have -- um -- seen you -- sometimes -- watching me -- when I was doing things. I mean things like when I bend over to wash my legs -- things like that." "Ryan! I'm sorry, it's just that I feel so -- er -- close to you and - " "Jack! It's okay! Obviously you've caught me staring too!" "Doesn't everyone?" I said. "Jack, I've been really struggling with something. Ever since my first day in 8th grade intramurals -- where we dressed down and played games with the other guys -- and then showered after -- in the private boys school I attended -- I have felt -- uhhhm -- some amount of attraction -- to the other guys." "Yeah?" I replied. By this time Ryan was quite serious, his eyes nervously twitching. "Jack", he continued, his voice lowered to a whisper. "I always was so sure than I would grow out of it. At first I thought that by the time I was 18 it would be gone. Then I upped the age to 25. I'm 36 now, Jack. And the attraction to guys has never stopped. Am I gay?" Ryan looked deeper into my eyes than anyone ever had. "Gay -- or bi -- I would guess. You WERE attracted to girls when you were young -- weren't you?" I said. "I'm beginning to wonder. I had sex -- probably too much sex -- with lots of girls! And -- I liked it. But looking back and now feeling what I feel for you - " "What?!?" I said. "Oh! God! I'm sorry, I didn't mean that! I mean, I didn't mean to say that! I mean -- oh crap!" "Okay, just continue, Ryan." I said Anyway, I am wondering if it was not girls I was attracted to but -- sex itself. And when I met and married Melissa, I had no problem having sex with her -- and we did it often. But in the last 18 months -- since she's been sick -- my desire seems to have all but disappeared." "Desire for sex?" "No!" He said looking down. "Desire for my wife!" "Wasn't she pretty much bedridden for most of that time?" "Well, yes -- mostly since Ranee was born. She refused treatment when she was pregnant, so the condition deteriorated rapidly. Thank God it didn't get over into Ranee's system! But anyway, it's not just Melissa. I'm not in the least attracted to women at all -- any more." "But -- you are attracted to men?" I asked. "Well -- one, especially." He looked at me unblinking. I felt my cheeks and ears burning. "Oh." I said, suddenly feeling about 17 again. "Jack -- I want -- um -- to -- um -- try things -- you know?" Said Ryan. I thought I knew. But luckily I said, "Things? What kind of things?" "I -- I -- I'm not sure myself." Ryan said. "Oh." I said. Maybe he didn't even know what to ask for. "Um -- well, - I mean," I was at least as shy as he was, all of a sudden! "Would you want to -- um -- well - " "I just want to -- well, first -- hold your hand." "Oh!" I THOUGHT I knew what he wanted! "Okay." He offered his right hand. I took hold of it with MY right hand. "No -- your other hand!" I gave him my left hand and we stood face to face, holding hands -- the first time for Ryan -- like lovers. I reached out with my right hand and he put his left in it. We stared onto each other's eyes and Ryan closed his eyes slowly. He drew a deep breath and exhaled slowly and sighed -- audibly -- and said, "At last!" He put a movie into the DVD that I had brought over and we sat on the leather love seat and watched the movie -- holding hands. I decided that I should let Ryan take the lead. He didn't ask anything more of me, but when we said goodbye at the door before I went home, he took my right hand in both his hands and laid it against his lips. "Thanks Jack -- for being so understanding." I drove home, wondering if I really did understand. Notes: Well, do you ever wish you could "FF" past some of the less positive times of your life? Comments as always are welcome, to Steve at stevethomas535@hotmail.com. Thanks and love, Steve