Date: Sun, 29 Nov 1998 21:07:39 -0500
From: Charlie <charlieje@mindspring.com>
Subject: Kenny Part 11 (STILL highschool!)

       This is a story about a love between two young boys. The usual
disclaimers apply: If you are under the age of 18, or reading such material
is illegal in your jurisdiction, then please leave this story unread
now. There are within the story explicit descriptions of sex between boys,
but that is not the main theme; so if your thing is reading stories that
are purely sex in nature then this story will probably not be to your
liking.

       The story is made up of both fact and fantasy. The people herein are
real, but their names have been changed. The rest of the story, as I said,
is a mixture of fact and fantasy . . .  perhaps how I wish it had
happened. As to what is fact and what isn't, I shall keep that to myself.
Suffice to say that the details of the intimate encounters contained herein
are more than likely not exactly as stated. The encounters did happen, but
not necessarily as described here..


			   Kenny_11: Graduation

     Things were starting to settle down to a dull roar again after all
that had happened in the past few months. Graduation was looming, and it
looked like I was really going to get to wear the cap and gown! Up to this
point I don't think I really believed it would ever happen, but here I was,
having pictures, ordering my gown, and... well...  planning for the prom.
     "You've got to go to the prom," Mom said to Kenny and me, "It's just,
well, you've both worked hard for this and you owe it to yourselves."
     "But Mom," Kenny whined, "We can't go with each other. It just
wouldn't be, well, it just wouldn't be right! We'd be embarrassed and so
would everyone else there! I'd rather just stay home."
     "There must be some girls around the school who still don't have a
date. You're not marrying her, Kenny, you're just going to a prom. You can
all have a good time with no commitments on anybody's part. You both love
to dance and go with girls all the time when you're at dances and parties.
It's not as if they were poison or something."
     "I know, Mom," Kenny answered, "But it's, well, it's dishonest."
     "It doesn't have to be," I observed. I'd been thinking about it a lot,
and I had to admit that I really did want to go to that prom! I mean, that
was all part of it, wasn't it? The exams, the college applications, the cap
and gown, and the big blast they called the prom! Hearing my remark, Kenny
was all ears. I guess he'd been assuming that I didn't want to go, and now
that I showed some interest he was interested too, waiting to hear my idea.
     "We know lots of girls who know about us," I went on, "I just bet that
we can find a couple who'd love to go with us."
     "Like who?"
     "That's WHOM!" I corrected with a grin, trying to give Kenny back some
of his own.
     "'Tis not, it's WHO, you asshole!"
     "Kenny!" Mom scolded, "Where'd you learn talk like that? Certainly not
from me or Dad, or Charlie either!" At that comment I almost burst out
laughing, but I managed to keep my cool.
     "Wouldn't want to learn any talk from Charlie," Kenny pouted, "Bad as
his English is."
     "You seem to understand me all right," I countered, "Especially when I
say 'let's go to bed.'"
     Mom didn't say a word, but I knew from the look I received that I had
crossed the line with that comment, so I apologized meekly and we went back
to our serious conversation. Kenny and I, it seemed, were always bantering
back and forth these days. We didn't mean it, could not hurt each other no
matter what we said, but sometimes it did get a little out of hand.

     "Seriously Kenny," I said, "You've always said you really like Carol
Stevens. You've been dancing with her at all the dances all year."
     "I don't think she knows we're going together, Charlie. She just knows
I'm not interested in her."
     "So that's perfect. You ask Carol and I'll ask Janet Murray. I bet
they'll say yes!"
     "What if they don't?"
     "I don't believe you, Kenny!" I said in frustration, "You're always on
me that I complain about can't do this, afraid to try that! You tell me
that I'm my worst enemy, and that if I'd just try things I'd do just fine.
Now I have the guts to go for something and I can't get you to admit
there's even a chance!"
     "This is different."
     "I don't see anything different about it. The worst that's gonna
happen is they say no, and what's the big deal about that?"
     "He's right, Kenny," Mom interjected. I suddenly wondered if maybe at
least a small part of her hoped that one or the other of us would go to the
prom and fall in love, suddenly discovering that we weren't gay after all.
But right now she was supporting my side of the argument, so I wasn't sure
I cared about her motives.

     We had pretty well decided that neither of us would be going to
college in the fall, that we would be going back to high school and taking
the college prep courses that were offered, commonly referred to in the
school as "Grade 13." Things were different then: schools were not so over-
crowded - I had never been in a portable classroom; I think the teachers
were, if not more dedicated, at least more able to provide what their
students really needed. And anything that deferred the expense of college
was useful. For Kenny and me, Grade 13 was perfect! Of course we were
disappointed that we wouldn't be going away for another year, but that's
just how things had turned out, so we accepted it and planned for it.

     Kenny and I chose a school dance in early May, the last one of the
year, to make our moves.  We had listed a couple of alternatives in case we
were turned down the first time, and we thought it would be better to ask
the girls as we danced rather than a cold, impersonal phone call.

     "I'd love to!" Janet answered as I held her close in a slow dance,
"But what about Kenny?"
     "What about him?" I questioned, "I think he's asking Carol." I think I
knew what she meant, but it also occurred to me that she might be just
fishing. It would be stupid to think that there were not at least rumors,
but I was naive enough to think that no one believed them."
     "Charlie, everyone knows that you and Kenny are inseparable. Are you
sure he won't mind if you take me to the prom?"
     "I can hardly take him, now can I?"
     Janet laughed a hearty, tinkling laugh. I loved to hear her laugh!
"Now that you mention it," she smiled, "I guess that would raise a few
eyebrows." And so it was set. She agreed readily to double dating with
Kenny and Carol, assuming Carol agreed to go. She said that she doubted
that would be a problem because Carol had always thought Kenny was
gorgeous. It took a lot of will power for me not to tell her I already knew
that.

     The night of the prom was absolutely perfect.  It was around the first
week of June, it was warm and clear. We had never heard of things like
renting stretch limo's for the occasion, but it didn't matter, I had never
seen a stretch limo anyway, probably didn't even know they existed! So
Kenny and I set about cleaning the family car. We did rent tuxedos, and
after my experience at Robbie's wedding, I knew that I would be the one to
remove Kenny's, and I was looking forward to it.

     Of course we had to go get the girls, then make the rounds of all the
parents again so they could take pictures of us all decked out. Mom had to
have a picture of just Kenny and me, which she treasured as much as if we
really were brothers. I never said so to anyone except Kenny, but it was
one of my favorites too. After the photos were taken we gave Mom a quick
kiss, promised to be back soon, and ran out the door. Kenny slipped behind
the wheel and I got in the passenger's seat, and we were off.

     I was a whole lot more nervous that I cared to admit, and Kenny told
me he was too. Just around the corner from Janet's house, our first stop,
Kenny stopped the car. "I dunno why," he said it me, "But I'm scared to
death! I've never had a real date before."
     "Neither have I," I replied, "And I'm sorta nervous too."
     "But..." Kenny appeared struggling to say what he wanted to say, "What
if one of the girls wants to... uh... you know..."
     "I don't know, Kenny," I said, "I guess we just roll with the flow."
We had heard of all the things that go on at and after senior proms, and
some of those things were just not something that we wanted to get
into. We'd had very little, in fact NO experience with girls in a
one-on-one situation.
     "But... what if Carol wants to go off by ourselves?" Kenny worried.
     "Go for it!" I said. It never occurred to me that it might be Janet
that wanted to go off alone.
     
     Suddenly Kenny fell into my arms and there was clear evidence that he
was going to cry.  "Charlie," he said, "I hope you know, I don't ever want
to hurt you. I didn't even want to do this, and I'm afraid of what might
happen."
     "It's ok," I assured him, "I feel exactly the same."
     "Really? You mean you don't mind if I..."
     "Depends," I said, "Depends on exactly what you end up doing."
     "I won't do anything you don't want me to, ok?"
     "I won't either, Kenny," I said, "Only problem is, what is ok and
what's not?"
     "Charlie," Kenny said with a sudden inspiration, "This is our senior
prom! We've worked for it, we deserve it, and we deserve a good time! We
will never have another senior prom, so we owe it to ourselves to enjoy it!
So I'm gonna just ask you to have a good time! Just do whatever with no
regrets, and all I ask is that you don't ever forget me, ok?"
     "No danger," I assured him, "I could never forget you!"

     After we'd had three very passionate kisses, exchanged more than a few
"I Love You's," Kenny put the car in gear and accelerated around the
corner, and I was walking up to the house to get my date.

     When the front door opened, I can safely say I went into shock! There
stood Janet, but not as I'd ever seen her before. She wore a long light
blue formal dress, with a wide full hooped skirt, bare shoulders, the
narrowest hips I think I'd ever seen. He long blond hair was softly falling
on her shoulders... that I knew was in honor of my comment made one evening
that I loved long hair.  She was strikingly beautiful!
     "Janet!" I exclaimed, "You're.... WOW!  You're...." I was truly
tongue-tied!
     "We'd better get going," Janet laughed, "We still have three stops to
go before we get to the dance." And so after brief introductions to her
parents, we hurried to the car and got in the back seat, and Kenny drove to
Carol's house, where the scene with Janet and me was repeated. After
introductions were made Janet and I joined the others inside and posed for
a few hundred pictures, and then it was back to Janet's. About a dozen more
rolls of film, and we all piled in the car again and headed back home,
where Mom C. had cornered the market on film. "Mom," Kenny complained,
"We've got to go!"
     "Stop fidgeting!" Mom ordered while she took more pictures. And then
finally we were off to the prom. The senior prom! MY senior prom! In my
mind I was going with Kenny... I secretly wondered if there would ever come
a day when a couple like Kenny and me could go to a prom as a couple
instead of playing this game. I was proud of Kenny! So why couldn't I tell
the world? Why did we have to do this masquerade thing?

     The dance was one of the best times I'd ever had! As proms go I
suppose it wasn't that spectacular, except that this was mine! Or, more
accurately, OURS! Mine and Kenny's! We were with our dates, but the four of
us were together most of the evening, so Kenny and I had lots of chances to
grab each other's hand and give a squeeze, exchange looks with those deep
brown eyes of his - eyes that could still mesmerize me just like the first
time I'd laid eyes on him in History class.
     We each took our dates outside to just walk around, talk, and enjoy
the quiet for a while. I found myself really liking Janet, and in some ways
wishing that this date could last a lot longer than one evening. I don't
really know what I was wishing for, but I found myself on a major guilt
trip for having used her just as a date for the prom. It was during one of
these trips outside that the axe fell.

     Janet stopped as we reached an area in the shadows of the yard lights
that surrounded the school. She turned and faced me and looked directly
into my eyes. "I'm having a real good time," she said almost in a whisper,
"You're a really great dancer! Where did you learn all those steps?"
     "I first learned from Kenny," I replied, "And we just keep working on
it at home."
     "You and Kenny dance together?" she asked with surprise in her voice.
Oh shit! I thought, now I've done it. She's only two steps from figuring
out the whole story, and Monday it'll be all over the school!
     "Yeah, we do," I said blankly, "It's cool now that I live with him, we
can work on our dancing a lot more. He's really good at learning the new
dances and we practice a lot."
     "That's really cool," she observed, "Most guys would never do that for
fear of someone seeing them."
     I wasn't real sure where this conversation was going, but I knew it
could only get me in deeper. She was still looking right at me, and she had
to see my face turning red, but she ignored me and drew closer. It was
obvious that she wanted me to kiss her, so I did.
     "WOW!" Janet exclaimed, "Do you practice that with Kenny too?"
     "I... uh... well, I..." My heart was pounding so hard I thought
everyone must have heard it, and my face felt like it was all on fire!
Janet was very close to me, her arms around my neck.
     "Gee, relax. Charlie!" she laughed, "I didn't mean anything by it,
only that you are a very good kisser."
     "You think so?" I responded, trying to lighten the mood a little.
     "I know so!" she proclaimed, "But just to be sure..." This time SHE
kissed ME! It was long and deep and wet. And in spite of myself I felt a
stirring in my groin. Her arms were around my neck, and mine were around
her bare shoulders, and as much as I hated to admit it, I was in Heaven as
our lips, our tongues, our very beings touched.
     "I..." I stammered when we'd broken the kiss, "I... uhh... I think
we'd better go in."
     "Why?" she asked, "What's the hurry?" How could I tell her that I was
enjoying her far more than I wanted to? How could I tell her that I wanted
to see her again? How could I tell her that I was committed, and to another
boy?
     "I want to dance," I said firmly, "That's why I came!"

     Just my luck, I thought, We get back on the dance floor and it's a
slow dance! Janet was in my arms, looking at me dreamily as we swayed
around the floor. "I can't believe," she said dreamily, "you've been in
this old school all the time I have and we've never got together before!"
     "Well," I answered, "I've been kinda busy, you know working and all."
     "What are you doing after school, Charlie?"  she asked innocently
enough, "Are you going to college in the fall?"
     "I'm staying here next year and taking grade 13. I haven't decided yet
where I'm going to college, or if I'm going at all."
     "Double cool!" she said excitedly, "I'm taking grade 13 too! Maybe we
could study together some times."
     "That'd be cool," I lied. In fact I thought that would be about the
most un-cool thing I could think of. But holding her was so nice, and she
was a really smooth dancer, so I kissed her lightly and we just got lost in
the music.

     "Can you come in for a while?" Janet asked as we stopped at her house,
"It's still so early and I just don't want this night to end. Besides I
know my folks would like to meet you and we can tell them all about the
prom." We had left the prom at midnight, after having the last dance
together along with Kenny and Carol.
     "I dunno..." I said doubtfully, "I have to work tomorrow..."
     "No you don't," Kenny interjected, "Remember, you're not playing this
Sunday, and all the practices were canceled. So if you want to stop off I
can pick you up in an hour or two, whatever."
     "Not playing Sunday?" Janet echoed, "Playing what? Are you on some
kind of team?"
     "Not really," I answered, "I'm a but of a klutz when it comes to
sports. I play the organ at a church..."
     "Really? You're kidding, right?"
     "No, he's not," Kenny said proudly, "He's the organist at St. Luke's."
     "Really!" Janet gushed, "That's great! We've got a Hammond organ in
our house and no one can play it! Could you play it for us?"
     "I guess so," I answered. And then I made a vow that I'd kill Kenny
the next time I got him alone.
     As we were getting out of the car Janet told Kenny, "Don't worry about
picking Charlie up, I'll drive him home." Kenny thanked her, then he and
Carol was gone.

     "Finally our prodical returns!" Mom said cheerfully as I walked into
the kitchen. It was almost 4 AM, and I had finally broken free and had
Janet drive me home. "Where in the world have you been?" she asked.
     "At Janet's house," I answered.
     "What on earth were you doing all this time?"
     "Mother!" Kenny exclaimed, "That's none of your business!"
     "But it is your business," I pointed out, "And you have a right to
know." And then to the astonishment of both Mom and Kenny, I started to
cry.

     "What in the world?" Mom said in a knowing tone.
     "I'm so confused!" I managed to say, "I thought I had myself all
figured out, but now everything is a muddle again."
     "You mean," Kenny said nervously, "You mean, you've fallen for Janet?"
     "I don't know, Kenny!" and then I started crying even harder. "I was
so happy with you! And I still love you! But I had a really good time
tonight! It was so... uh... well... I dunno, it just seemed so nice being
able to hold her and kiss her, and no one even noticed! It was just so
normal!"
     "Charlie," Mom said as she took my hand, "You have to understand,
you're different! Not worse, or better, but different."
     "NO!" Kenny screamed, "No, Mom! No more! I am so tired of 'Poor
Charlie!' We were supposed to have a good time tonight, and what happens?
Charlie comes home and starts again, just like he always does!"
     "Kenny," Mom pleaded, "I don't think this is the time..."
     "When is the time, Mom? When can we put all this stuff behind us and
just go on with our lives? When can we be happy like you and Dad always
taught us to be? You've got to grow up, Charlie! We're NOT the same! We're
NOT normal, at least by most standards! And we're not GOING to be by
feeling sorry for ourselves. I'm sorry, Charlie, but I had a real blast
tonight! It was so cool! We're graduating, man! And tonight was the
celebration! And what do you do? You come home and start blubbering that
you're not normal and it hurts so much. Is that all my love means to you?
Would you throw me away like so much trash if you could be normal?"
     "Kenny," I countered, "That's not what I meant. It's just that..."
     "What, Charlie? What did you mean? What do you want? Do you even
know?"
     "I know I want you," I answered, "But...  well, why can't we be normal
and still be together? What is wrong with the world?"
     "The world doesn't understand, Charlie. I don't think we do either,
but we're stuck with it!  And I for one have no regrets loving you! I LOVE
you, Charlie! But now I'm really beginning to wonder if you love me! Do you
love me enough Charlie? Do you love me enough to say to hell with the
world? Because that's how much I love you.  What do you suppose Carol and I
were doing while you were with Janet and getting a real good "Poor Me"
going? I'll tell you what! We were in the car, down by the river, talking
and just enjoying what we thought was a pretty special moment. Then she
wanted to make love! You know what I said, Charlie? Do you even care what I
did? What WE did?"
     "I care a lot," I said meekly. In truth I wasn't at all sure I wanted
to hear about it, because I was deathly afraid of what Kenny was about to
say. But I had asked, and Kenny was about to tell me.

     "I said NO, Charlie! I told her that I had someone so special, so
wonderful, that I doubted that I could even do what she wanted me to do!
Then I told her about you! And I told her how much I loved you! I told her
that I didn't care if she told it all over the school, that I was tired of
sneaking around, trying to appear to like girls when the only thing I cared
about is YOU! I was so looking forward to making love with you when we got
home! And then you come home and start in again with the Poor Me bullshit!
Maybe I should have just done what Carol wanted. Who knows? I might have
enjoyed it. Maybe I would have discovered that I'm not gay after all, that
it was all a stupid mistake!"

     I looked at Mom Collins, but she was no help.  She caught my look
instantly and simply shrugged, gave me a quick hug, and said she was going
to bed. She had obviously concluded that I was in good hands with her son.
     "Kenny," I pleaded, "I don't think you understand..."
     "Of course I don't understand!" he said, a little more tenderly now,
"Of course I don't! I don't understand how two people can love each other
so much and be ashamed of it! I don't understand why we have to keep it to
ourselves when I want to tell the whole world! I want to take an ad in the
paper and just proclaim the whole thing! But that's the way it is, Charlie!
Like it or not, that's the way it is! I don't like it any better than you
do, but we don't have a choice! If we really love each other, and we want
to be together, we've got to face the fact that we're not normal, and it
doesn't matter how we feel. Or we can decide to call it quits now and try
to BE normal. We can do our thing with girls, get married and have
babies. Lots of babies! And everybody will think how wonderful we are!"
     "Kenny, I didn't mean I didn't want to be your lover any more," I
said, "It's just that...  it'd be so cool to just be part of the flow for
once, you know?"
     "Of course I know, Charlie! I had fun tonight too! I had a real cool
time with Carol, seeing you and Janet together and knowing just by the look
on your face that you were having a good time too!  And we have to grab
these moments and take them for what they are! If we constantly analyze
them, try to extend them, we'll never be happy! And you know what? I don't
think that's a gay thing! I think everybody makes that mistake. We have a
really great time, then we mourn because it's over! Why can't we just be
thankful that we had a great time? Everything has to end, but that doesn't
mean we can't remember the good times."

     We were both standing now, both crying, and I was for the millionth
time looking into Kenny's eyes: those deep brown, liquid, sensuous eyes
that led me on a floating journey to the very essence of my beloved Kenny!
And I lost it completely!  Sobbing hysterically I picked him up and carried
him up the stairs to our bedroom. I have no idea who turned the lights out,
if indeed anybody did.

     "Feeling better this morning, handsome?" I heard as I stretched and
opened my sleepy eyes.  When the fog cleared I was staring into those
liquid brown eyes again! Those eyes! I felt a hand on the back of my neck,
stroking, caressing....
     "Waking up to see you and feel your magic hands on me," I said
dreamily, "How could I feel anything but great?"
     "We sorta didn't get our little game last night," Kenny said with a
giant smile, "In fact I didn't even get to take your tux off." I looked
down and discovered that both of us were still fully dressed, albeit a lot
more wrinkled than we'd been a few hours before.
     "It isn't too late," I whispered as I kissed Kenny full on his
gorgeous lips, "I need a shower, and I don't think it'd be a good idea to
do it with all these clothes on." After a challenge like that, it wasn't
long before both of us were out of our wrinkled tuxes and ready for a
shower. It was 9 AM, Mom had gone out to do her usual Saturday morning
shopping and other errands, so we had the house to ourselves for at least
three hours.
     I think that was the most enjoyable shower I'd ever had up to that
point. We soaped each other, then washed each other gently, slowly,
caringly. We embraced each other, our soapy bodies touching in all the
right places. I looked into those deep brown eyes and whispered "I love
you!"
     "Me too," Kenny whispered back. "About last night..."
     "I don't want to hear it," I said sheepishly, "I was out of line...
again! I'm sorry..."
     "No," Kenny interrupted, "It's me that should be sorry. I felt the
same as you did... enjoying ourselves so much but at the same time wishing
it could be different, that we could be together and up front about our
love. But it's never gonna happen, Charlie, and we might as well face it."
     There was no more talk as we held each other, the warm water splashing
all over our naked bodies. We started to hum one of our favorite tunes,
"You belong to me," and our bodies, still embracing tightly, began to sway
back and forth to the music. It was truly a magic moment. By the time Mom
arrived back home a little after noon, we were still in bed, still naked,
and enjoying just lying together after having had sex at least three
times. We didn't even hear her come in, didn't know she was in the house
until there was a soft knock on the door.

     Looking back, I have to give Mom a lot of credit. When she knocked on
the door Kenny just said "Come in," which she did. She came and sat on the
edge of the bed - the bed in which lay her son, naked, in the arms of his
lover! The other twin bed had obviously not been disturbed. She seemed not
to even notice, as if it was the most natural sight in the world! She was
something!
     "I just wanted to see how you're feeling this morning," she said to
both of us.
     "Much better," we chorused.
     "That's good. And I wanted you to know that I didn't go to bed last
night because I wasn't interested, but I thought you two would be better
off working through that problem by yourselves.  You know, when you first
told us about your relationship, I cried for days! Then I went through a
period when I told myself it was just a teenage phase and you'd soon get
over it. During that time I hoped that somehow when the inevitable breakup
came, that you'd still be friends. But that breakup is not going to come,
is it?"
     "Not if I can help it," Kenny answered, and I nodded my agreement.
     "Then I have a few things to say to both of you. I want you to know
that I am here for you and want you to trust me because I trust you. And I
want you both to understand, that if either of you hurts the other, you
will have to deal with me. I don't think that's likely to happen, but I
just wanted you to know." At that she kissed the both of us and left.
     "Thanks, Mom," Kenny called to her as she left the room.

     This was one of the busiest weekends we'd ever had. The prom had been
Friday night, we had our caps and gowns to pick up on Saturday, along with
returning the tuxes, making sure our best suits were clean and pressed, and
shopping for new dress shirts. I had been given the weekend off at the
church because the Sunday morning service included a short ceremony
honoring all the graduates, and I'd been told they would get someone else
to play the organ so I could be with the others at the ceremony. Saturday
morning usually found me at the church, practicing the next day's music,
rehearsing with this or that soloist, and occasionally an extra practice
with the youth choir. Busy as I was, I still felt lost not being in on all
those activities.

     "Is your father coming this morning?" Mom C. asked when we sat down
to breakfast. Kenny and were all dressed up for the Sunday morning service,
and had our graduation gowns on hangers ready for the ceremony.
     "I don't know," I answered, "But I doubt it.  He's probably gone
fishing."
     "Did you call him?"
     "No, ma'am."
     "Don't you think you should give him a chance? Maybe he doesn't know
about it."
     "He knows I'm graduating, or at least I'm supposed to. He probably
figures I've flunked out by now."
     "Charlie, you can't go through life hating your father! Why don't you
call him and at least tell him about the ceremony?"
     "I don't hate him, Mom, I love him! I used to kill myself trying to
please him but it never worked. I couldn't play football or hockey or
baseball, so in his eyes I am some kind of freak.  The only time my music
was important to him was when he wanted me to play for one of his drunken
parties. I feel like he really doesn't care what I do or what happens to
me. And if that's the way he feels then I just have to accept it and move
on. I told him when I left that I'd stay out of his life unless I saw some
evidence that he wanted me around."
     "You'll both be very sorry, son, when one of you is gone."
     "Yeah," Kenny agreed, "I'm sure glad Dad and I were the way we were. I
have nothing but good memories of him and when I see you and your dad I
realize how lucky I am. But once he's gone, Charlie, anything unfinished is
gonna stay unfinished."
     "It takes two to build a relationship, Kenny," I pointed out, and
that's where the conversation ended.

     The Sunday morning service was no big deal, but it was important to
me. We lined up in the choir room, dressed in our caps and gowns, the organ
began playing "Pomp and Circumstance," and we paraded in and up on the
platform. There were six of us: Kenny and me from our school and three
girls and a boy from another school. The preacher just called out our names
and school, then said a few words about each of us, said a little prayer to
bless us and ask for our future to be bright and rewarding to us and
whomever we touched, and it was over. We went down off the platform and sat
in the front pew until the service was over, then we had to stand at the
front of the church so anyone who wanted could come shake our hands.
Pretty simple really, but old sentimental me got all choked up, partly
because I was beginning to realize it was really going to happen, and
partly because I hadn't seen my father. In spite of what I'd told Mom and
Kenny, I was sort of hoping he might show.

     The following week we didn't have school, but we had to go get our
marks, attend two more of at least a thousand rehearsals, and of course
socialize with everyone we might never see again.  Kenny and I had to
register for the Grade 13 classes, and were surprised at how many of our
classmates would be there. When you think about it, it made sense. One
could get a head start on basic college courses without the expense of
tuition, moving away from home, and all that goes with it. We both signed
up for advanced Algebra, English 101, advanced Physics, Basic Chemistry,
and Beginning Philosophy. That meant that we'd have little time to work,
but in the long run we were sure it would pay off.

     Aside from all the different duties of graduates, we had the week
pretty well to ourselves. We spent a lot of time with Ron and Timmy, and
even got to spend some time in Ron's lab, something we hadn't done for
months. If Ron had any inkling of our sexual encounter with Timmy, he gave
no sign, and that made me feel guilty about the whole thing. Why, I don't
know to this day. But at that time I was pretty into feeling guilty about
just about everything, justified or not.
     Kenny and I made sure we weren't too busy that week to have some
pretty intense love making sessions. It seemed the older we got, the more
insatiable our sex appetite. (Yah, OLDER! Kenny had just turned 16 and I
was almost 17! Real old, right?)

     Graduation day arrived the following Saturday, ready or not. Kenny and
I woke up early, about 6 AM. I will never forget the look on his face as I
opened my eyes and was treated to his intoxicating grin as he watched me
sleep. "I love you, graduate!" he whispered. That was too much! I threw my
arms around him and held him as if someone was trying to tear him away from
me. I was happy and excited, but at the same time I was afraid! Afraid of
what I don't know; but I was absolutely terrified, and nothing but the
touch and feel of Kenny close to me could allay those fears. I have often
thought since that day how incredibly fortunate I was during that time to
have Kenny, my love, my companion, my life really, so close to me.
     "What, Charlie?" he asked, "What's wrong?"
     "Nothing's wrong, Kenny," I answered as I held him even more tightly,
"I'm just so glad we're together! I love you so much."

     I didn't think much about it at the time, but later I realized that
we'd had one of the most treasured moments in our lives, and neither of us
even thought of sex; neither of us wanted it or cared! I can't be sure this
many years later, but I don't even remember having my usual morning
erection, and I know Kenny didn't. It was the beginning of a very special
day, and one that we would share! And that was enough, or so I thought as
we lay there, our bodies entangled and our lips together.

     "Have you ever called your father?" Mom asked as we ate breakfast.
     "Has he called me?" I asked in return.
     "No, he hasn't, Charlie. But don't you think..."
     "Let me ask you a question, Mom," I suggested, "And maybe you'll
understand why I can't call him. If Kenny was away from home, say he was
going to school somewhere out of town. And suppose you knew his graduation
was coming up, but he'd forgotten to write you and tell you the details.
Would you sit on your behind and wait to hear, or would you try and find
out what's going on? And once you found out, would you wait for his
invitation or would you get ready and go anyway?"
     "That's an unfair question, Charlie. You already know the answer."
     "Of course I do, Mom! But I don't know what my father would say if I
asked him that question, and I need to know! And frankly I don't really
care! If he comes he comes, if he doesn't, well, I guess I have my answer."
     Thankfully there was no more talk about my father and whether or not
he'd be at the graduation. I think if I'd had to discuss it much more I
would have started crying, and I didn't want to do that, not today! I
wanted my mother to be there, and somehow I knew she would be. I wanted
Kenny's father to be there, and I also knew he would be, and that was all I
hoped for, or so I thought.
     The graduation itself was almost an anti-climax. The high school
orchestra played Pomp and Circumstance, or rather they murdered it, but I
knew they's practiced tirelessly for hours, so somehow it was all right.
Predictably my father was not there, and in spite of my outward toughness,
it hurt! It hurt a lot! But as soon as we all had our diplomas, I took
Kenny in my arms and I kissed him, full on the lips! And in front of
everyone! "Congratulations, gorgeous!" I fairly shouted. He didn't
congratulate me, he just melted into my arms and whispered "I love you,
Charlie!"
     "C'mon, you two!" a voice behind me said.  When I turned around there
was Ron with his parents, and Timmy with his. We all hugged and shook
hands, promised not to lose touch with each other, and then it was over!
     "Anybody mind if I just drop my gown in the car and walk home?" I
inquired.
     "Yes," Kenny piped up, "I mind. I don't think you need to be alone
right now, Charlie."
     "Let him go," Mom advised, "I think he needs some time by himself."
And then I was walking around town, alone, thinking.

     I thought about all that had gone on for the past three years. What
had happened? Things had been so great then! There was no doubt, no thought
even, for the future, because the future was cast in stone. But then the
stone crumbled. Why? Of course I knew the answer. I had fucked everything
else royally by declaring myself in love with another boy. No matter that
the boy I loved was the most sensitive, feeling, caring individual I had
ever known. No matter that he had eyes that could reduce me to a muttering
idiot! I didn't think about his body, his endless appetite for sex, I only
thought about how I'd been attracted to him from the first time I'd seen
him and nothing else mattered. And I knew that it was all right. I knew
that it's impossible to love someone as much as we loved each other without
some good coming out of it.
     I considered the possibility that we could become very good friends,
soul mates even, but dispense with the sexual part of our relationship.
Society understood good friends. That would be acceptable and we could be
normal again! We'd be accepted by everyone as just close friends, brothers
in so many ways. But the thoughts of a platonic relationship sent a shiver
of dread through my body. I knew that I could never be close to Kenny and
not want him totally.
     I thought about my father and wondered if he'd been at the graduation
if I hadn't told him I was gay. Somehow I doubted it. But still, I
wondered.
     I thought about the prom. Janet was so pretty in her evening gown! We
had such a good time! We danced our feet off that night. We laughed,
talked, fellowshipped with friends, and just shared our lives. Couldn't I
live with that? Of course I knew I couldn't. I knew that the next day she
would be out of that gown and in jeans or shorts, and although I still
found her pretty, that was the extent of it. She was pretty and fun to be
with, but try as I might I couldn't picture myself spending my life with
her, to the exclusion of all others.

     I found myself standing in front of the house where I'd spent many
hours. It was the local bootlegger. Here a young teen could buy a bottle of
beer, a pint of rum, with no questions asked, no problems. I fished in my
pocket and pulled out a small wad of bills. Yes! I had enough! I started to
walk in, but then I saw in my mind, of all things, the youth choir! The
choir that I had taken charge of because their leader, Mrs. Atkinshad had
to go out of town for an extended period and I'd volunteered to become
their director along with my duties as organist. They were so beautiful!
Boys and girls, ages 12 to 18, and so beautiful, every last one of them!
They trusted me, even those who were older than I was!  I led them, played
piano and organ for them, and they would do my every bidding. I thought of
the very first time I'd stood in front of them and made a small gesture
with my hand, and twenty-five gorgeous teens had risen from their seats and
stood there, every eye on me, waiting for my next direction. I can never
describe the feeling of...  of oneness, of power, but not threatening
power, just the extreme rush of being trusted, of being looked to for
guidance, by all those teens, every one of whom probably had it together
more than I!
     Those kids thought I was about the most wonderful thing that had ever
happened to them!  I'd been warned before I took on the job that this would
happen, and it had indeed happened, in spades! I was their age, at least
two years younger than some of them, so we understood each other. But I
could teach them in a language they understood; and before I was anywhere
near ready, I had the awesome responsibility of being a role model for
twenty-five teenagers! And here I was, standing in front of the house that
could blow it all!
     I saw in my mind Mom Collins lecturing me in her kitchen only two
weeks after she'd lost her husband. She hadn't left a lot of room for doubt
about what she wanted me to do, but here I was anyway.
     Then I found myself looking once more at my own mom, just hours before
she died. Her last words to me were "Be a good boy, Charlie." At the time,
and for a long time afterwards, I had trouble reconciling that comment with
what Kenny and I were doing. I still wasn't sure it didn't include the
terrible sin of homosexuality, but as I stood there on the sidewalk gazing
at, but not seeing, the house where I could get anything I wanted to drink,
I knew without doubt that in my mother's eyes getting drunk could in no way
be compatible with being a "good boy."
     I thought of Kenny. So masculine! So sensitive! So faithful and so ...
so always there!  To my knowledge he had never tasted a drink in his life!
Not that he didn't want to, but his parents had told him that there was
time enough later to sample that particular part of life. So finally I said
under my breath, "Bye dudes, guess I won't be around here for a while." And
I walked back to my home. Kenny's home! OUR home!
     "Where in the world have you been?" Kenny demanded when I walked in
the back door, "You've been gone almost four hours!"
     "Believe me, you don't want to know," I said.
     "If I didn't want to know wouldn't have asked. I was starting to
worry."
     "Not a problem, I'm fine," I replied, "But I'm kinda tired. I think
I'll go to bed." So I kissed Mom C. and started up the stairs, calling over
my shoulders "You coming, handsome?"

     "You all right, Charlie?" Kenny inquired when we were in bed.
     "Yeah, Kenny," I reflected, "Actually I think I'm better than I've
been for a while. I got a few things worked out in my head so now maybe I
can put that all behind me. But I really am pretty tired. I know you wanted
to play tonight, but can we just lie together?"
     "Damn!" Kenny exclaimed with a grin, "You ARE sick! If you don't want
sex then you must be close to death!" But then from nowhere came the
sensitive Kenny, the Kenny I really loved, not the sex crazed teen that
kept me naked all the time.  He slipped his arms around me, gave me a long
deep kiss, and our bodies melted together and we were asleep in minutes.

     Some time in the night we woke up and had that sex he'd wanted
earlier, and it was HOT!  Planned sex is great, but spontaneous sex is so
much better! By the time we went back to sleep, we were sorely in need of a
shower, but of course that was out of the question in the middle of the
night, so we slept in our... well, I'm sure you get the idea.

     Sunday morning brought us back to our familiar routine. I was up at
7:00, getting dressed for what would be a long day at church. I had choir
rehearsal at 9:00, practice for two soloists at 10:00, drive home to get
Mom at 10:30, the worship service at 11, then youth choir practice at 4:00
which would be long because we were doing a special musical service, and
the evening service, which featured the youth choir musical we'd been
practicing for. This marked the last event for them until fall, so it was a
big deal to them, and to me.
     I had grown to really love all my Sunday responsibilities. Yes, it was
at times downright grueling, it certainly tied us down on the weekend, but
there was with it a certain security, a sense of belonging, that made it
more than worthwhile.
     "You don't have to go with me," I said to Kenny when he started to get
up, "We had a late night and you must be tired. Just come with Mom at
10:30."
     "I go with you every Sunday," he reminded me.
     "I know, but it must be awful boring for you."
     "Not at all! I love it! Did you know you're at your best, and your
happiest, when you're playing, or singing, or doing something else musical?
I love watching your face because it's as if you have left the whole world
behind. You're truly beautiful when you're playing, Charlie! Your face
actually radiates!"
     "I guess I sorta do get in my own little world," I admitted, and for
the millionth time I began wondering if I should pursue a career in Music
instead of Engineering.

     The day went well, and it marked the beginning of the summer schedule
which was much more relaxed. The adult choir more or less disbanded for the
summer, and so aside from playing the organ twice a week I was more or less
free. I was at the organ console arranging my music, gathering up the
scores I'd finished with so I could file them, when I noticed him sitting
alone in the front pew, watching me. Kenny was outside talking to some of
the other teens.
     "Hi, Conrad," I said when I saw him, "Your solo really went well
tonight! Thanks for your help!" Conrad, or Connie as we called him, was 13,
very handsome and had the most angelic soprano voice you can ever imagine!
Of course leave it to a musician to notice the voice first. At his age that
voice would soon be gone forever, and I'd been using it to full advantage
before it gave way to all the hormones that would change it forever.
     "You got a minute to talk?" he asked, ignoring my compliment.
     "Sure," I said, "Walk with me while I take all this music back to the
library."
     He stood there watching as I filed the various scores in their
appropriate places. "You said you wanted to talk to me?" I questioned when
he made no move to speak.
     "Ummm..." he stalled, "Maybe it's not the right time. You're busy and
I don't know..."
     "I'm afraid there might not be another time till fall," I reminded
him. I was expecting him to ask me something about the choir, like possibly
some concern about when his voice started to change. But when I looked into
his fluorescent blue eyes I knew that whatever was on his mind was
bothering him - a lot!

     "Charlie," he said haltingly, "I--I don't think I can come back in
the choir next fall."
     "That'd be a real shame, Conrad. You've got a beautiful voice!"
     "That's what my mom says, But when it changes..."
     "Chances are it'll still be just as good, only deeper. You should give
it a chance before you give up. I know you love to sing and it'd be such a
tragedy to give it up just because..."
     "That's not it, Charlie. I just can't... well, I can't sing in the
church any more. I just can't!"
     "Why, for heaven's sake?"
     "Charlie," he said tentatively, "I got this problem. I--I'm not like
other kids. And the older I get, the worse it gets. Like, you like girls,
right?"
     "Umm... sure I do, Conrad, why do you ask?"  Looking back, I cannot
believe how dense I was! I had no idea in the world what Conrad was trying
to tell me. But then my new role as mentor and confessor was one I wasn't
really ready for. I had related to the kids, become their friend, but
mostly because I was their age. But it was becoming more and more obvious
that they were putting me on a pedestal as someone in whom they could
confide, that they could trust.
     "I don't, Charlie!" he sobbed as his eyes started filling with tears,
"I don't like girls at all. I mean, I don't hate them or anything, but I
just don't... you know... care about them."
     "Lot's of kids uour age don't like girls, Connie. That doesn't
mean..."
     "You don't get it, Charlie! What I'm saying is, I like boys! As long
as I can remember I've seen boys I liked, I mean REALLY liked! I know it's
a sin, and now I know I can't sing in the church choir any more.
     "Why? What's changed?"
     "I can't tell you, Charlie."
     I put the rest of my armful of music on a chair and took Connie to two
chairs and we both sat down. "Connie," I said as I finally realized what
was going on here (DUHHHHH!), "What's happened? What's changed? Are you
involved with someone? Has something happened? You can tell me buddy, I
promise it'll go no further."
     "I can't, Charlie. I just can't!"
     "So there is someone, right?"
     "Uh-huh."
     "Someone in the choir?"
     "Uh-huh."
     "A boy, right?"
     "Uh-huh."
     "Have you discussed it with your parents?"
     "Are you nuts? They'd kill me!"
     "Does the boy know?"
     "No! He would laugh at me! And probably get me kicked out of the
choir. That's why I have to quit."
     "I won't laugh, Connie. I promise, I won't laugh. I don't want to lose
you, you're far too good a singer."
     "Promise?"
     "Of course I promise! So why don't you tell me all about it?"
     "Ever since I first saw him, I wanted to be like him. And then it got
to be so much more than that. I wanted to... well... do stuff with him. I
wanted to be with him all the time, you know? He's just so... so cool! He's
good looking and talented and so with it! He's in control, and so... so
sure of who he is and where he's going! You know what I mean?" Of course I
knew, and told him so, and then I asked him who it was. I assured him again
that I'd tell no one, and I wouldn't judge him for it, I would try to find
some way to help him. It was me all over again, three years ago when I'd
first met Kenny. I knew precisely what he meant.
     "It's you, Charlie!" Connie managed to get out before he completely
broke down, "There, I've said it!"

     You could not have knocked the breath out of me any more effectively
if you'd hit me full force in the stomach with a two-by-four! Me? Cool?
With it? In control? Man, if you only knew, Connie! But what was I going to
do now?

				  * * * *

       If you like this story or have any comments or criticisms, please
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