Date: Thu, 03 Dec 1998 18:29:49 -0500
From: Charlie <charlieje@mindspring.com>
Subject: Kenny_12

       This is a story about a love between two young boys. The usual
disclaimers apply: If you are under the age of 18, or reading such material
is illegal in your jurisdiction, then please leave this story unread
now. There are within the story explicit descriptions of sex between boys,
but that is not the main theme; so if your thing is reading stories that
are purely sex in nature then this story will probably not be to your
liking.
       The story is made up of both fact and fantasy. The people herein are
real, but their names have been changed. The rest of the story, as I said,
is a mixture of fact and fantasy . . .  perhaps how I wish it had
happened. As to what is fact and what isn't, I shall keep that to myself.
Suffice to say that the details of the intimate encounters contained herein
are more than likely not exactly as stated. The encounters did happen, but
not necessarily as described here..

         Kenny 12: Senior Year Plus One

     "You were totally awesome tonight, Charlie!"  Kenny said as we drove
home.
     "It wasn't me," I replied honestly, "Those kids really work hard, and
they're a good bunch of singers."
     "I didn't mean the musical," he corrected, "Although that was pretty
good too. I meant with Conrad."
     "You were listening?"
     "Not exactly. I came in to find out where you'd gone and heard you two
talking. I didn't want to embarrass him so I didn't let him know I was
there.  But don't you think it's a little risky telling him about us? What
about the church? The choir?"
     "Too bad," I said more defiantly than I felt, "I wasn't gonna lie to
him, and he needed to know he wasn't alone. He needed to know that being
gay doesn't mean you're worthless."
     "But what about his crush on you?"
     "I don't know, Kenny. I tried to explain how it is, that I don't
consider myself any more available than if you were a girl, and hopefully
he'll get the message and try to get over it."
     "You think he'll come back to the choir in the fall?"
     "No idea. I hope so. I think it'd be kinda neat having someone else
our own age who's gay. You know he's the first I've met that I'm sure
about. I think we could all benefit from just having someone to talk to."
     "You could get into a lot of trouble too," Kenny pointed out.
     "I don't know how. It's not like we were going to take a romp in the
hay."
     "They could blame you for making him that way and you know it!"
     "I don't care, Kenny! But I just couldn't let Connie go on thinking he
was the only freak in the universe. Don't you remember how..."
     "Yeah, I remember only too well. I still feel that way sometimes. You
took a bit of a chance, but I'm proud of you for it."
     "Does that mean I get some tonight?" I said with a grin.
     "You randy queer!" Kenny chuckled, "Don't you ever think of anything
else?"
     "Nope. Not when you're around."

     We were in bed by 11, and had absolutely nothing to do all the next
week! So it was after 3:00 before we slept. We planned to just sleep in
Monday morning, then get up and do some things for Mom around the house. It
was a luxury we hadn't had together for a long time. Of course we had a
really great "romp in the hay," but then it was time for our favorite
pastime again: lying and running our hands over each other's body, scraping
our fingernails gently, softly, over the skin.

     "You know what I'd like to do?" I said suddenly.
     "Mmmm?" Kenny moaned, almost asleep.
     "I'd like to go visit Uncle Brad for a few days. Suppose Mom would
mind? I'd really like to see him, and you've never met him."
     "I think she'll be glad to get rid of us for a few days," Kenny
laughed, "So she can get some rest.  There's never any rest as long as
we're around."

     We spent Monday as planned, doing up a few chores around the house,
and then we were up early Tuesday morning, on the bike, headed for the
farm.  The ride was uneventful, if a little thrilling.  Kenny hadn't driven
my bike very much and wanted to drive, and Kenny liked speed! We drove the
120 miles in record time, the intoxicating sensation of speed and wind
lifting us both to a higher level of consciousness.
     "Aren't you even a little nervous about meeting Unc?" I yelled in
Kenny's ear.
     "No," he yelled over his shoulder, "I feel I already know him. Should
I be nervous?"
     "I think I would be under the circumstances," I answered. But that was
the basic difference between Kenny and me. He was so self confident, so
sure of himself, and yet not conceited. He was just anxious to get on with
the job of living and presented himself to all he met with no
pretentiousness; and if he wasn't accepted that way, then he regretted it
but didn't dwell on it.

     We arrived on the farm just before lunch and were welcomed warmly as I
knew we would be. Unc had just finished his spring planting and was
cleaning and storing his planters, and getting out the next group of
machinery in his never ending schedule, the potato cultivators and haying
equipment. The hay wasn't quite ready, so Unc took Wednesday off and took
Kenny and me fishing.

     "Your uncle is so cool!" Kenny reflected as we lay in bed, "It's hard
to believe he's your father's brother."
     "Yeah, I know," I agreed. "Unc says my father really does love me but
he just can't show it. He said when they were growing up my father was the
same. He bullied his brothers and tried to run their lives for them... he
just didn't believe that they had the intelligence to make their own
decisions."
     "So what can we do about it?"
     "Probably nothing. Unc says I need to make my own decisions, and maybe
when he sees that I can, he might come around. But I'm not too confident.
There is something I can do, and I'm going to, right now!"
     "And that is?"
     "I'm going out to the barn and check out the hay loft. You coming?"
     "Probably before long," Kenny grinned.

     It was something we had to do and we did. But let me tell you, sex in
the hay is not all it's cracked up to be. That hay is downright prickly
when you're naked! We finally found an old horse blanket and lay on that,
but even that wasn't nearly as kind to our skin as home in bed. We
discovered that our skin was a lot more tender and sensitive than we'd
thought. But it was still something we had to do, and we did it.

     The next two days were back to work, big time!  Unc had a small field
he wanted plowed, so I jumped on the John Deere, with Kenny perched on the
rear axle housing, and we went off to plow it up for him.  Kenny wanted to
learn to drive the tractor, so I taught him. It was quite different from
anything he'd ever seen before, with its hand clutch, hand throttle, and
six speeds, not to mention the hydraulic controls, power take-off, and
other things that were important on a tractor. He did well, though, and
when we came back from the field Kenny was driving with a grin on his face
you could see for miles!

     We spent the rest of the day and all of the next maintaining
machinery. I changed the oil in the tractor and greased it, cleaned the air
filter, replaced the spark plugs and points, checked air in the tires, and
cleaned the fuel filter. Kenny was astonished that I knew how to do all
those things, and I guess it was then that I realized I was really a
country boy. I had spent a maximum of three months a year on the farm, but
when I was here I lived, breathed, and thought farm!

     When we finished the tractor I had Kenny back it into the machinery
shed, I hooked him up to the various haying machines one at a time and pull
them into the barnyard so we could work on them. We greased and adjusted,
hooked up and tested, and generally did the maintenance that I knew would
probably not be done if we didn't do it.
     The baler was another story. It was one of the older style with its
own engine, a small air cooled V-4 that sounded totally awesome when it was
under load. Unc was in the habit of pouring oil down the spark plug holes
for storage to prevent rust, so it was always hard to start the first time
in the spring. So after the maintenance was done I cranked and cranked (you
got it, no electric starter!) until my little friend snarled to life. We
ran it a while, kicked it into gear and ran the baler to make sure it was
ok. I broke open a few bales of hay and re- baled them. I just had to hear
that engine under load! To Kenny it was just a loud noise; to me it was
like a symphony! Then we shut it all down.  "You're gonna have to make it
this year without me, baby," I whispered.
     "You love that machine, don't you?" Kenny observed.
     "You have no idea," I said tearfully, "You got a problem with that?"
     "Not at all. I guess I just never knew someone could be in love with a
machine!"
     Of course it wasn't the machine itself I was in love with, it was what
it represented. I'd had so many happy times here on the farm, as my world
at home was coming unraveled, usually at the controls of one machine or the
other. It was one of the more difficult decisions I'd ever had to make, to
turn my back on that farm and move on. I think it was while I was saying
good-bye to that baler that I first realized that my farming career was
over. But I wasn't prepared to admit it to myself yet.

     "Are you sure you have to go?" Unc questioned on Friday evening as we
were packing.
     "Yeah, we'd better," I said. I really didn't want to ever leave, but I
had responsibilities now, and I decided I'd better attend to them.
     "Well, it sure was nice having you. We haven't had that many times
when you could come up and just visit. Usually we're working so hard there
isn't time for visiting."
     "I enjoyed it, Unc. I'm sorry but I guess my haying days are over, at
least for now."
     "Not a problem, kiddo. You've got more important things to attend to
than this old farm, so get your tail back and get to it." I couldn't
imagine anything being more important than that farm, but I knew what he
meant so I hugged him and Aunt Melanie, and we were back on the bike,
headed home.

     One of things that I loved so much about Kenny was his constant
innovation, his "full of surprises" approach to life. The night we got home
from the farm was certainly no exception. We had gone to bed fairly late,
having sat up with Mom just talking about all sorts of things. I loved
these times with her, often imagining that it would have been similar had
my own mother lived, but Mom C. had become a very good substitute for me.
When we finally did go to bed, Kenny and I were both wiped, so we just
assumed our usual position, arms wrapped around each other, and went to
sleep.
     About 4:00 AM I was awakened by a feeling of fullness. I had rolled
over on my front in my sleep, and as I came back to consciousness I
realized that Kenny had somehow got my briefs down, at least in the back,
and had entered me. He was now very slowly and gently sliding in and out,
as if not to wake me.  He was fully on top of me, but supporting his weight
on his elbows and knees. I emitted a soft moan just to let him know I was
awake, whereupon he nuzzled my ear and whispered "I love you!" He didn't
speed up the pace, made no other sign that I was awake save whispering "I
love you!"  over and over. When he finally climaxed there was no fanfare,
no violent lurching or bucking, only a soft grunt, I felt myself being
filled, and then Kenny slid off me, wrapped his arms around me and kissed
me, and was asleep again in a very few minutes. I quickly picked up the
habit, and those times were very special to both of us.

     I was sitting at the organ on Saturday morning.  Kenny and his mom had
gone somewhere to attend to some family business, and although there was no
requirement today, I made my way to the church and sat there, all alone,
with that gorgeous instrument.  I often came here like this, to play just
for me.  When I was depressed, which happened all too often, the music was
restful, soothing. When I was elated about something, the organ was called
upon to announce that elation to the whole world. But today I was at peace;
I had just come from the farm which had always had an almost magic effect
on me, there were no immediate situations I had to deal with, so I was just
playing for my own enjoyment... the excruciating pleasure it gave me to
just play, improvise, experiment with different techniques and chord
combinations, and yes, marvel that I had been given the gift of music. I
was thankful to so many people who had worked together to place me where I
was now, both in my life and my musical development.

     I had just finished a long musical work, probably Bach or something
equally emotional, and was thinking of locking up the organ and leaving
when I heard someone clapping. I had thought I was completely alone, but it
was not unusual for someone to slip into a pew to listen while I fooled
around.  When I looked, it was Janet.

     "That was really cool, Charlie!" she gushed as she made her way up to
the console.
     "Thanks," I said sheepishly, "What're you doing here?"
     "I was walking by and saw your bike, then I heard the organ so I just
came in to see if it was really you playing. I loved it! Please don't stop
just cause I'm here."
     "I was done anyway," I answered, "I just had a little time on my hands
so I thought I'd just have a quiet time. It's so peaceful here when there's
no one around."
     "Time on your hands?" she echoed, "With your schedule that doesn't
happen very often does it?"
     "Not really. But today I'm on my own."
     "Well, then," she said, and I knew by the tone in her voice that she
had a plan and it included me.  "I got an idea. Take me for a ride on your
bike?  Please?"
     "I don't know..." I stammered.
     "Come on!" she pleaded, "I've never been on one and that's a really
cool looking bike. I bet it flies!"
     OK, she had me. I loved my little motorcycle, and when someone paid it
a compliment like that, my resistance drained to zero. So I said OK, we
finished locking up and climbed on my little BSA.

     We rode all over town, then out on the highway, Janet squealing her
delight the whole time! She had fallen instantly in love with the little
bike and couldn't get enough! Meanwhile I was sweating bullets! What if
Kenny saw us? What if she grabbed my groin, as I'd heard of girls doing?
What if she grabbed me and I popped a stiffy?

     By the time we got to the beach I had relaxed a little. The pavilion
was jammed with teenagers who, like us, had just been released from the
prison they called school and were making the best of it. "You wanna
dance?" I invited.
     "You know the answer to that one!" she cooed, "I love dancing with
you!" So I found a place to park the bike where it wouldn't fall over in
the sand, and we danced. Man, did we dance!

     "I really like being with you, Charlie," Janet said as we walked along
the beach, 'You're so... so different from most boys."
     "I dunno," I countered, "I certainly don't feel any different." And
then I realized I'd just missed a perfect opening to tell her exactly what
was different about me.
     "You are, believe me," she went on, "I mean, here we are out on the
beach, no one else is around, and you're the perfect gentleman. Most boys
would be practically raping me by now." WOW! A perfect opening! Now I can
tell her why!
     "Is that what you want?" I asked. SHIT!  Chickened out again.
     "No, not at all. I love it when someone likes me for me, not what they
can get."
     "I like you, Janet," I answered, "Especially when we dance."
     "Not when we kiss?" she pressed. Cool! Another chance!
     "I kinda don't enjoy kissing that much." I stammered. DAMN! Another
chance gone!
     "Are you kidding? The way you kiss you've gotta have had lots of
practice."
     "Not really," I answered. Yeah, this time I'm gonna go for it! "You
know when we went to the prom, that was the first real date I've ever had."
     "Get outa town! You're kidding, right?"
     "No I'm not. Y'see..."
     "Oh, I get it!" Her eyes brightened as the lights came on, "You're one
of those shy guys! I mighta known, you so heavy into music and all. Hey
don't worry about it. I think it's cute!"
     Well dammit! Now she thinks I'm cute! And I'm blushing like I was
gonna catch fire!"

     We talked about other things, neutral things, pleasant things. I was
determined to let her know where we stood, but she seemed equally
determined not to let me. Of course she wasn't blocking me consciously, but
it sure seemed that way to me. We stopped at the pavilion and had a coke,
then hopped on the bike and headed home. It was getting into the evening
and I knew Kenny would be home by now and wondering where I'd gone.

     By the time we'd got to Janet's house I was determined to tell her my
secret. I liked her a lot, enjoyed spending time with her, but it just
wasn't fair to either of us, and it certainly wasn't fair to Kenny. As she
climbed off the bike and took off her helmet, I killed the engine and said
"Janet, can we talk for a few minutes?"
     "Sure, Charlie," she said cheerfully.
     "Janet... I... er..." I stuttered. I was starting to chicken out when
I formed a picture in my mind... a picture of little Conrad, looking me
straight in the eye and telling me he was in love with me. That must've
taken some pile of guts, I thought. And here I was, his glorious leader,
his all-knowing been-there-done-that older friend, and I was turning to
mush! Not gonna happen, Connie! If you can do it, I can do it!

     "Janet," I said as I began again, "Have you ever noticed my bracelet?"
     "Sure," she said, "Everyone has. Yours and Kenny's. More guys should
wear them, they're cool."
     "But, I insisted, "Have you ever had a good look at it?"
     "Sure, Charlie. It's got your name on it. I really like it!"
     "Do me a favor and look at the underside."
     Janet was really taken aback at my request, but she did my bidding and
smiled. "That's so cute!" she exclaimed, "Is that an old girl friend?" I
shook my head no. "Then who is KC?" Before I had a chance to tell her, the
lights came on. "It's Kenny!" she exclaimed, "Now that's REALLY cute! You
guys are really close, aren't you?"

     Damn, I had never thought of Janet as thick, but she was sure acting
slow on this subject. But it illustrates a point: There were truly a lot of
people back then who literally had never heard of same-sex love! Until I'd
experienced it, I never had! But that didn't help the dilemma at hand; I
was determined to tell all before I spent any more time with Janet, and she
was giving every indication that she wanted to spend time with me.

     "Janet," I started again, "What I'm trying to tell you is... well,
Kenny and I, we're lovers.  Like, he's my boy friend and I'm his."
     "Really? Is this some kind of joke?"
     "It's no joke, Janet. I just wanted you to know that I like being with
you, dancing, talking, but it's never gonna go any further. I'm gay,
Janet!"
     I couldn't believe it! I had started to cry! I was sitting on my
motorcycle, just had a great afternoon with a very pretty girl, a cool
biker dude, right? Except that I was crying like a baby.
     "I love him so much, Janet!" I went on as the tension released in a
flood of words and tears. "I mean, I love being with you, having you as my
friend, spending time like we did today, but I just can't do it any more
with you thinking it's gonna go anywhere, 'cause it's not! I love Kenny!"
     "I see," she said. I can't even describe the look on her face, but the
word 'shock' comes to mind. "Well," she said, "Thanks for telling me. You
really are a cool guy Charlie. It's a shame, I really think I could get
into being your girlfriend."

     Janet said thanks for the afternoon, and then she had gone. I fired up
the BSA and headed for home.

     When I got home, at about 7:00 PM, I found Kenny, Robbie, Tanya and
Mom sitting gloomily at the kitchen table. "Damn!" I quipped when I walked
in, "Did you miss me that much?"
     "We gotta talk," Kenny said without expression."
     "Ok," I responded, "What's the deal?"
     "We've been talking for over an hour, Charlie," Mom said when I'd
seated myself, "And we were just waiting for you to ratify what we've
decided."
     "Decided?" I asked blankly, "Decided about what?"
     "Well..." Kenny said as he shifted uncomfortably..."
     "I'll tell him," Robbie volunteered.
     "Jeez!" I said with no small amount of panic setting in, "Somebody
please tell me! You're scaring me!" In my mind I could picture my father
suing Mom Collins for kidnapping me, Kenny having found a new love, the
Collins family having decided I could no longer live with them, all sorts
of things.
     "The truth is," Robbie went on, "Tanya is pregnant. We're gonna have a
baby, Charlie!"
     "That's all?" I said with relief, "Man that's great! WOW! A baby! That
is too cool!"
     "It's not all, Charlie," Mom said as she took my hand. "Tanya's been
very sick, and the doctor says she will probably get sicker before the baby
comes. The doctor has ordered her to quit working."
     "I agree with the doc," I said flatly, "You should be home taking care
of yourself, Tanya."
     "It's not that simple," Mom countered. "If Tanya can't work, then
Robbie can't finish school.  They don't have enough money and neither do I,
except..."
     "My college fund," Kenny added. "I've got that money, though it isn't
as much as we'd thought, but Robbie needs it right now so he can finish
school.  He's only got a year to go and I can't see him quit now. I told
him he could have it, but Mom said no, that it's yours as much as mine, and
you had to agree."
     "Mom," I said, "When did that money get to be half mine?"
     "When Kenny gave up UNB so you could go wherever you go together. We
don't break promises in this family. We stick together and we stand by each
other. And that's why we can't, won't, touch that money without your
agreement."
     "But this is different!" I argued, "This is family! Robbie's got a
problem and you all can help him! Surely you wouldn't let him do without
just because I..."
     "You're my little brother," Robbie interrupted, "And it's my job to
take care of YOU, not the other way around. I will not take anything that's
marked as yours, unless you offer it, and in this case even then I feel
guilty about it."
     "Not a problem," Kenny offered, "We've got all summer to earn our
tuition, and you've gotta take that money!"
     I was totally floored! The Collins family had a problem and there was
right before them a ready solution! But they wouldn't use it unless I
agreed!  Me! The one who had taken their son and brother away from them
into the devious world of homosexuality!  How could they do that to Robbie?
On the other hand, Robbie seemed as committed as the others to honor the
commitment even though I hadn't taken it that seriously anyway! I had never
seen anything like it!  I didn't know what to say, but then there was only
one thing I could say, wasn't there?

     I must say I was rewarded liberally that night for giving up something
that I hadn't considered mine in the first place.
     "You are so cool!" Kenny exclaimed as he slipped out of his boxers and
into bed beside me, "What you did for Robbie..."
     "I didn't do shit for Robbie!" I argued, "That was never my money. And
besides, even if it had been my money Robbie is my big brother! Why
shouldn't I help him any way I can? And also, I don't care what it is, if
it's gonna get me an extra lay or some unexpected goodies from my gorgeous
lil brother, YOU, Kenny my love, then I've kinda got to do it, haven't I?

     Talk about pushing the envelope of credibility!  I will not describe
the next two hours, because there is no way that anyone would believe it.
Suffice to say that when Kenny and I finally went to sleep, cuddled
together so closely we couldn't slip a cigarette paper between us, we were
both more than ready for sleep.

     I awoke about 6:00 AM and Kenny was gone. I saw him sitting at his
desk, still naked, staring into space. "Morning, gorgeous!" I said with a
smile - a smile of total contentment as I looked at my beautiful lover. He
didn't answer, but just looked at me with a far away look.
     "What're we gonna do, Charlie?" he asked. "The money's all gone now!"
     "In a way," I answered, "I'm sorta glad. Now I won't be constantly
having to fight to keep you from giving it all to me. Now we're equal."
     "You were never gonna take any of that money were you?"
     "Why would I? That money was yours!" I pointed out, "And there was
never enough for both of us."
     "But we don't have any at all! How can we possibly go..."
     "We haven't been accepted anywhere yet," I reminded him, "And we've
got a whole year to save our first year's tuition, so I think we're gonna
be fine. We'll have to work our way through, but that was my plan anyway. I
love you, Kenny, and we'll do it together. Like the sign I read somewhere.
It said 'The only thing standing between man and his dream is the faith
that he can achieve it, and the courage to try.' You bet we're going, and
we're gonna graduate with honors too!"
     "I love you, Charlie!" he said as he burst into tears and melted into
me again.
     "Then trust me!" I ordered, "We're gonna be fine!"

     The rest of the summer went by pretty quickly for Kenny and me. I had
my 17th birthday, which was marked pretty plainly with a simple cake and
gifts at the Collins'. To me it was as wonderful, maybe even more so, than
a full blown party! Once more I sort of looked for a gift, card, anything
from my father, but nothing was forthcoming.

     Kenny got a job at the hospital for the summer and into the school
year if he wanted it, while I ended up working at the motorcycle shop. I
did odd mechanical work, but soon got completely involved in un-crating and
assembling new bikes as they arrived from England. At that time Japan had
not emerged as a major force in the motorcycle market.
     I saw Jack from time to time at the shop. We were both trying
awkwardly to be friends, but he usually ended up trying to induce me to go
to the camp with him, but I always managed to find some excuse. I had
started to resent him because of all the times we'd fooled around, all the
things he'd tried to do, he never once mentioned any part of it except when
the acts were actually going on. Being used to Kenny's up front nature, I
felt that he could at least have mentioned his real motives, or ask me what
I thought, or something.

     Toward the end of July it was carnival time again. This was to be our
big blow-out for the summer, having avoided anything that cost money up to
now. Kenny and I had decided to invite Conrad, and he readily accepted when
I called to invite him.  We had no motives other than to try to be friends
to him, and I was pretty certain that unless he'd changed a lot in the past
month, he wouldn't come on to either of us.
     The first thing I noticed was Connie's voice.  The ravages of puberty,
it seemed, had hit him all at once! His voice had deepened to the point it
sounded rather odd on a boy as small as he was.
     "I'm gonna have to find a place for you in the bass section," I
remarked as he climbed in the back seat.
     "Don't bother," he answered, "I think my singing days are over. I try
and sing but my voice sounds awful!"
     "I bet it'll be fine by September," I promised, "You just have to give
it time."

     Kenny and I had prearranged for Connie and me to go on one of the
rides together so I could talk to him. It turned out to be the Ferris
Wheel, a ride I was never crazy about; but Connie loved it, so off we went
while Kenny headed for the burger stand.
     "You doing ok?" I asked as soon as we were alone.
     "Fine," he said rather blankly, "It's been a good summer."
     "How about what we talked about? You feeling any better about
yourself?"
     "It's still there, if that's what you mean. But I'm dealing with it."

     I got the message loud and clear that he just did not want to talk
about it, so I made some weak comments about how we just wanted to be his
friend, and the subject was dropped. I have often thought that I'd handled
it rather badly, considering that the poor boy was attracted to me. I
probably should have done some sort of maneuvering to get Kenny alone with
him, but then how would I explain the fact that Kenny knew about it? I
guess we were still new at handling such a taboo subject, and actually I'm
not at all sure it's any better today.

     "I had a real great time," Connie beamed when we dropped him at his
house, "Thanks for inviting me."
     "Thanks for coming," I answered, "I gotta butter you up good so you'll
be sure to be my new star in the bass section in the fall." Connie paused
and looked back at me, opened his mouth as if to say something, paused
again, then abruptly ran across the lawn and into the house, calling "Bye,
thanks again!" over his shoulder.
     "What was that all about?" Kenny wondered.
     "I dunno," I answered, "But I think he's a lot more bothered by what
he is than he's letting on. I gotta make sure to call him once in a while."
     In my mind I had the perfect reason for calling him: as his choir
director I was protecting my interests and those of the choir. But that was
just not to be, because a week later George called to tell me that
Mrs. Atkins was coming back, and my services as choir director would not
longer be needed. I tried desperately to think of a way to tell him, or
Mrs. Atkins, or somebody, about Connie; but of course there was no way
without telling them things that only Connie had the right to tell. So I
just told them that he was concerned about his voice changing and might
need some prodding to come back to choir in the fall.

     Before we were really ready for the summer to be over it was Labor Day
weekend. Kenny and I had been planning to go to the beach, had arranged to
use the car, and were planning on taking girls. I had asked Janet at least
two weeks ago and she'd said yes, while Kenny had met a girl named Susan,
who he said was an incredible dancer.
     We were just leaving the house on Saturday morning when the phone
rang. Mom answered it and handed the receiver to me.
     "Hi, Charlie," the voice I recognized as Janet's came over the phone,
"Are you guys still going to the beach today?"
     "Yeah," I answered, "We were just leaving to pick you up."
     "Oh," she said, then paused. "Ummm... that's why I called Charlie. I
can't go. Something's -- well something's come up."
     "You sure?" I questioned, "It's gonna be a total blast."
     "Sorry, Charlie, I just can't."
     "I'm sorry too, Janet. Maybe next time, ok?"

     I somehow knew that I'd never go out with Janet again, and I turned
out to be right. I knew under the circumstances that I could hardly blame
her, but still it hurt. "You have to face it," Mom said, "That's what your
life is going to be like. You can't change what you are, but you'll face
discrimination just when you think you're in a safe zone."
     I knew that Mom wasn't trying to talk me out of anything, only trying
to prepare me for the inevitable. But it sank me into a deep depression
anyway. I went to the beach anyway, but I just walked up and down the
water's edge while Kenny and Susan danced.

     "Come on, Charlie!" Susan called as I came close to the pavilion, "I'd
like to dance with you.  Please?"
     "But you're with Kenny," I protested.
     "What difference does that make? We came here to have fun didn't we?
And I already know I've got no future with you two, so let's just have a
good time, ok?"
     I did go and dance with Susan, along with about three other girls, but
there was no magic; no spark.  Suddenly I wanted to dance with Kenny! And
why the hell not! But we didn't. When it came right down to it I simply
didn't have nearly the courage I'd thought I had, especially after losing
the friendship of one girl I was sure would understand.

     "You weren't much fun today," Kenny accused after we'd dropped Susan
off.
     "Yeah I guess so," I agreed, "I was kinda bummed out over Janet."
     "Why? Are you starting to wish you could go out with her?"
     "Not starting, Kenny. I've always wished I could be more normal. But
I'm not; I love you, and that's not gonna change. I only wish... oh never
mind, you know what I'm gonna say."
     "Yes I do," Kenny agreed, "And every time that happens you end up down
in the dumps for a week or two. Is that where we're headed again?"
     "I dunno, Kenny," I answered. And then I saw him looking at me. Those
liquid eyes again! They said much more than he could ever verbalize. "NO,
dammit!" I suddenly exclaimed. "Hell no! Not this time! I am what I am and
if Janet or anybody else doesn't like it, then they'll just have to deal
with it any way they can. Come on, dude, let's go home!"

     The school year started again, much more differently that we'd
expected. Kenny was not eligible for the swim team because, although he was
within the age group, he wasn't considered a 'regular' student, so once
again he had to satisfy himself with swimming just for enjoyment.
     Connie didn't show up for practice when the youth choir met, which
didn't surprise me in the least. I tried to call several times, but he was
always 'out.' Then I asked Kenny to start calling, reasoning that he could
simply state that he was helping out with the choir without revealing that
he knew Connie's problem. But Connie was either a very busy young man, or
he wasn't receiving calls.
     We discovered that most of the other Grade 13 students were quite
aware that we were together, and although our social lives weren't all that
we'd hoped, we didn't suffer any particular difficulty over it. Our best
friends, Ron and Timmy, were off to UNB, so we more or less went about our
business, filling our spare time working at whatever job we could find.
     I found my job at the motorcycle shop quite enjoyable, and it had the
added benefit that I had lots of contacts when it came time to sell my
bike.  I hated to see it go, but it was impractical and the money it would
bring would sure come in handy for my college fund. I ended up getting a
good price for it, but it still left me feeling empty. Gay or straight,
rich or poor, there is little that is more devastating to a teenager than
losing his wheels, and mine were gone!

     The school year, from an academic standpoint, can be described in only
one word: BOOOOORRRRRINGGG!  It was supposed to be college level, and in
fact we were getting college credits for our courses, but we found we were
learning almost nothing! But there was good news too. We didn't have to
study hardly anything to maintain A grades. So we worked more hours piling
up our money, or so it seemed to us.

     We were invited to a party in mid-October. Most of the party-goers
were kids we'd gone through high school with, but in spite of that we
hardly knew them. "We've got to go," Kenny asserted when I expressed some
doubt.
     "Kenny," I said, "They know about us, and they've never had anything
to do with us, and now they're inviting us to a party. I think I smell a
rat."
     "Shit, Charlie," Kenny laughed, "I'm way ahead of you! Of course I
smell a rat too! They're gonna try and humiliate us, but the joke's gonna
be on them! I'm gonna have some fun! So let's go, ok?  Puhlleeeeeeze?"
     And then he pulled out all the stops, broke out the heavy artillery:
his eyes. Those pleading, sparkling, gorgeous look-into-the-soul eyes that
rendered me totally helpless. Man, I hated when he did this! But I agreed
to go.

     The first thing we noticed when we walked into the party was that
everyone, I mean everyone, was paired off, male to female! There were boys
and girls everywhere! Some we knew, had gone to school with, and others
we'd never seen before. The next thing we saw was that there were no "good
girls" or "good boys" there. Everyone, at least of those that we knew, had
something of a reputation for being what is now called 'sexually active.' I
wanted to leave then and there, but Kenny would have none of it. "Follow my
lead," he directed, "And trust me."
     First, the beer was handed out. "No thanks," Kenny said when he was
offered, "Charlie and I don't drink." Why'd you say that? I said under my
breath.  I wanted a beer more than I'd ever wanted anything.
     The music was put on, and couples started dancing. To my utter
astonishment, and most of the others there, Kenny grabbed my hand and
dragged me onto the floor, and we started dancing. We didn't hold back, we
let it all out and in no time I was having a blast just like Kenny was.
When a slow number started, Kenny just wrapped his arms around me and
continued dancing, grinding his hips into mine. At first I was mortified!
But then I began to notice that no one was laughing, in fact everyone was
watching, a look that's hard to describe on their faces.
     "Okay," our host Rodney said, "Time for some REAL fun!"
     The music was turned down, and everyone gathered around Rodney and a
few of his friends as he broke out a deck of cards and started shuffling.
I knew this was it! I had no idea what was happening, but I knew this
moment was the reason we were here.
     The deck was split into two halves: red in one pile and black in the
other. Each person was required to pick a card, black for the guys and red
for the girls. Another deck was produced and shuffled. Rodney began drawing
cards one at a time.  If someone held a matching card, he or she went to
the center of the circle we'd formed. The deck was shuffled and cut, then
the chosen one drew a card.  The holder of its match, if any, was required
to go upstairs with the person who'd drawn the card for fifteen minutes,
after which they were to come back and report to the others what happened.
Same-sex matches were declared invalid and the whole process started
again. I didn't know how, but I knew Kenny and I were being set up somehow.
     The first round was played, and a drunken guy we didn't know ended up
climbing the stairs with a cute blonde from our school. Second round, and
another boy and girl climbed the stairs. Third round, and a very attractive
redhead was in the center. As if on cue, she picked the three of spades:
Kenny's card!
     I looked to Kenny for some sign, questioning with my eyes. He returned
the look with a wide grin, that "trust me" look, and then they were gone.
Three more girls and guys were paired off. I was beginning to wonder how
many rooms they had upstairs. But I didn't have long to think about it
because suddenly I heard "Ace of Clubs!" My card! There was still no sign
of the others returning, so I very nervously got up and stood by Michelle,
a fairly plain but not unattractive blonde. "This is gonna be so great!"
she whispered to me as we headed up the stairs.

     We walked up the stairs and down the hall, turning into a bedroom that
was completely dark. I listened for sounds of the others who'd preceded us,
but all was deathly quiet. "First," Michelle said as she produced a bottle
of vodka, "You need a drink."
     "No thanks," I said shakily, "I don't drink."
     "I don't think you understand," a male voice from behind me said, "The
lady said you NEED a drink!" Before I had a chance to react, two guys from
the party were holding me by the arms, with two more ready to take my feet.
Michelle had disappeared as the light came on. Guy number three grabbed my
hair and pulled my head back while guy number four began pouring the vodka
down my throat. "Just a little something to relax you," he said, "Cause
you're in for a very nice evening."
     I felt my legs being lifted off the floor and I was laid face up on a
bed. While three of them continued to hold me down, the vodka kept filling
my mouth, forcing me to swallow. I still didn't feel the inevitable buzz,
but my throat was a fiery inferno from the strong liquid.

     It wasn't long before my head began to swim and my eyes went out of
focus. "Now, my little queer friend," said one of the guys I didn't know,
"You get to have all the fun, and you get the best first: ME!" With that he
undid his zipper and I was staring into the end of a large semi-hard
penis. "Suck it," he ordered as he slapped my face with it, "I know you
want it."
     "No thanks," I managed and clamped my mouth shut.
     "I don't remember offering you a choice," he said as more vodka was
poured in my mouth. I tried to spit it out, getting a lot of it running
down the front of my shirt, but some of it still went down my throat. "Suck
it now!" he ordered, "You've got 12 more to go after mine and we haven't
got all night."
     When I refused again a fist went crashing into my balls, causing me to
suck in a breath along with half a mouthful of vodka. I choked and coughed
a bit, and then I threw up all over myself. I was getting too drunk to lift
my head, so the vomit just flowed out of my mouth. A towel came from
somewhere and my mouth was wiped, and then there were two penises slapping
at my face. I heard a voice saying "Come on, guys, he's had enough."
Everything was a blur now, and even thought I wasn't being held any more I
didn't move.
     "What have you done with Kenny?" I demanded.  Looking back I doubt
that they even knew what I had said because I could hardly form the words.
But they heard his name, and someone informed me that he was in the next
room eating cock like a good little faggot, and I should do the same. "That
is, unless you want us to cut his dick off," another said, then they were
all laughing. "That would be too bad for you," someone else said, "Then
you'd starve to death."
     They sat me up on the edge of the bed, and my head began to really
spin. I felt the head of a penis press through my lips and hit my teeth. To
this day I don't know why I didn't bite down on it, but I was so repulsed
all I did was throw up again.  "You fuckin' little queer!" its owner raged,
"You puked all over my dick!"
     A fist, or foot, or something went hard into my kidney, then another
into my stomach, causing me to throw up again, and then I passed out.

     I don't know how long it had been, but when I awoke and lifted my
head, I banged it on the steering wheel of the Collins car. The pain was
indescribable! When I got my bearings I realized that the car had been
moved, and I didn't have the vaguest idea where I was. I checked the back
seat, and Kenny was there, still passed out. A bolt of fear went through
me, thinking that he might be dead. We were both a sorry sight, with vomit
all over our front, and something else. As my memory of the party started
coming back, I realized that some of those guys, perhaps all of them, had
ejaculated all over us: our heads, our clothes, our faces. I wondered what
else they'd done while we were unconscious.
     Fortunately for us, the idea of raping a male was relatively unheard
of. Fag-bashing was a favorite sport then as it is now in some circles, but
the sexual content was usually confined to receiving a blow job from the
victim. It was almost as if the gay person's body, especially his genitals,
were 'unclean,' and usually left alone. So it was with us. Our clothes had
been untouched, except of course for the mess we'd made of them.  Further
checking revealed that I had wet my pants at some point, so I was truly a
mess, and Kenny was no better.
     "Ohhh, geeesh!" Kenny moaned as he started to come to life, "Have I
got a headache or what!" And then as he realized the state he was in, he
exclaimed "Oh, my God!" And then he started looking around to get his
bearings.
     "Where are we?" he asked when he'd got control of himself again.
     "I have no idea," I answered, "Somewhere in the country."
     "What time is it?"
     "Uhhh..." I strained to see my watch, "It's 3:45."
     "Holy fuck!" Kenny exclaimed, "Mom's gonna kill us!"
     "We're gonna have to get used to it," I observed, "Cause we're gonna
be here a while. That is unless you're a lot more sober than I am. I can't
even see, let alone drive!" So, not knowing what else to do, we just went
back to sleep.

     It was after 11 before we finally drove into the Collins driveway.
Before we'd got out of the car Mom C. was coming out the back door. "Where
in the world..." she said, "Oh my gosh! What on earth happened? Where have
you boys been? You're a mess!"
     "I gotta get cleaned up," I said, ignoring her questions, "I'm gonna
be late for church!"
     "Forget it," Mom said, "I've called long ago and told them you
wouldn't be there today. Your only duty right now is to do some explaining,
and you've got a lot of that to do." Then we made our next mistake: we
tried to walk. "Oh my gosh!" Mom exclaimed, "You're both drunk!"

     "What on earth were you thinking?" I demanded as Kenny and I peeled
our clothes and prepared for a shower. We had explained to Mom what had
happened, leaving out a few details of course, and she had excused us,
promising that we'd talk later after we were sober and a little more lucid.
     "I'm so sorry, Charlie," Kenny said, tears welling up in his eyes, "I
was only... I thought..."
     "You thought?" I accused, "I don't think you thought at all. Trust me,
you said! It'll be a blast, you said! You had it all figured out, didn't
you? The cool Kenny Collins has all the answers.  Kenny's got it all
figured out. Now look at us! For all I know we mighta swallowed half the
sperm in town last night! Jeeez, Kenny!"
     "Charlie, would you please listen?"
     "Listen to what? You telling me once more how you've got it all
figured? How I should trust you?"

     When I look back now, I can see my father loud and clear in the way I
handled my situation. I had been violated, my rights as a human being
compromised, and I was lashing out at the one I cared for the most! I was
furious, and with good reason I think; but my fury was dumped on the
nearest, easiest target: My beloved Kenny.
     "Charlie," Kenny said weakly, "I was only trying to help."
     "Help!" I bellowed, "Some fuckin' help!"
     "Charlie, please listen! Please?"
     "Yeah, sure!" I raved, "Go ahead, I've gotta hear this!"

     "I gotta tell you," he began, "I had some idea what that party was
about. That bunch has quite a reputation for wild sex parties. And you're
always talking about how you wished you could be normal, I mean in the eyes
of others. I just thought that if you had an experience with some girl, you
might feel more accepted. I thought that if we could go to a party, I mean
as a couple, and be accepted as we were, you might not be so unhappy. It
kills me to see you unhappy, Charlie! Sometimes I think you'd be so much
better off if we'd never... uh... never..."
     He didn't finish. He didn't have to! I knew what he meant.
     "Am I really that bad?" I said, my temper completely deflated, "Do I
really complain that much about us and the world we're in?"
     Kenny didn't answer, but he nodded his head.
     "But what if I took that girl to bed and liked it? What if I decided I
wasn't gay any more? Did you think of that?"
     "Of course I did, Charlie! All I want in the whole world," he sobbed,
"Is for you to be happy.  And if that means losing you, I'd gladly do
it. I'd do anything to make you happy, Charlie! I love you so much!"

     WOW! Anyone out there who wants a definition of true love, I have one
for you. I was still so drunk I could hardly stand, but I heard Kenny's
little speech loud and clear. I wondered if I could truthfully say what
he'd just said, and I wasn't at all sure. He was so good for me! He did
everything for me, no holds barred! And when his efforts didn't work out
the way he'd planned, he was full of apologies! And what did I do? I
accused, ranted and raved, bellowed like a wounded ox!

     "Okay," Mom said, "I want to hear the whole story. What on earth
happened and what were you doing there in the first place?" It was Sunday
evening and Kenny and I were sober at last, having slept the entire
day. Now we were being called upon to go over all the details. We were
still in no shape to do much of anything with the headaches we had, but Mom
wasn't about to wait any longer.
     "It's just like I told you, Mom," Kenny answered, "They were just
having some fun with us."
     "Doesn't seem much like fun to me," she observed, "But what I don't
understand is why you didn't just leave when it started getting rough."
     "We couldn't," I piped up, "They wouldn't let us."
     "Do you know who they were?"
     "Some of them," I offered.
     "Well then I'm calling the police!"
     "Please don't, Mom!" Kenny begged, "They didn't really hurt us, and we
still have to live in the same town with them. We'll just know better next
time."
     "But they held you against your will! And poured liquor down your
throats! That's illegal!"
     "Please, Mom! If you call the cops it'll be worse next time."
     "Not to mention," I added, "what'll happen when my father gets wind of
it. And if you call the police he's sure to hear about it."
     "But he's no longer on the force," Mom reminded me.
     "He still has lots of friends there, and one of them is sure to tell
him."

     We didn't call the police. Kids getting other kids drunk wasn't all
that uncommon, and Mom had to agree that any permanent damage that had been
done was not physical, so we let the matter drop.

		    *          *          *          *

       If you like this story or have any comments or criticisms, please
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