Date: Mon, 23 Aug 2004 01:40:44 +0000
From: mark lee <leemarker@hotmail.com>
Subject: Last Winter Chapter 1

Our story began at the beginning of the winter. Our affair ended when the
winter ended. It is now the summer. Wirting it down is like having a
conclusion. It is not to forget. It is just for me to move on, telling
myself the winter is a history now. I remember telling him that in a way,
we were all like dinosaurs, strong but vulnerable at the same time. Got
hurt, the wounds heal anyway. All that left are scars. One day, we will
look at ourselves like scientists look at fossiles and remember that at
this period, we fell, and at that period, we had a broken heart.

It is a small town in northwestern US. I was born in the south. When I was
younger, I thought I could deal with any kind of weather. Four years later,
I fully understand how big a role weather plays in our life. I dread the
winter here. When you are alone most of the time, the cold weather becomes
even more unbearable. I had several short relationships since I came
here. But none worked out. We all grow in and out of love. Sometimes we
break up because of pratical reasons.  So I have nothing to complaint
about.

My last relation before the winter was with a German guy. He just graduated
from stanford and got a position there. At the same time he was running a
company for his father in a city nearby. So he stayed here in the city for
one week and flew to California for one week. If he was not here or
California, he was somewhere else for business. I got to see him once or
twice every month.  I think I was kind of needy and scared of being hurt.
So instead of taking things slowly, I decided to stop seeing him before
things got complicated. At least, I could say I left him first and that was
good for my ego. I wrote him an email to tell him my decision. He replied
and wished the best for me. No drama. That's how relation between people
goes. Everyone is rational. I did not know I was sad until a friend pointed
it out on the bus.

"You look as if you are gonna cry." She said.

"yea, I just broke up with somone." I said half jokingly.

She did not say anything for a while, but raised her eyebrow.

"It is OK though. You don't have to play cool."

That was the beginning of my friendship with the girl. Her name is Judie.
But I sank into a depression that winter. I stopped looking and spent all
my time in the lab and at home.  Talking with Judie helped a bit. She was
also in a bad situation, loving someone who could not return it. But
everytime weather turned bad, my depression became worse.

Spring came, followed by summer. If the day was beautiful, I wandered in
parks. Listening to birds and feeling the wind caressing my body, I thought
it was close to happiness.  Sometimes, I wished there were someone to share
all these with. I was still not looking. Why spoil it, if things are not
gonna work out, I though, which is a ridiculous idea. But It made sense
then.  Expectation always brings disappointment.

Fall came too quickly. Fall is the most beautiful season here. It is also
the shortest. Leaves turn into all kinds of shades of colors. The air is
clean and clear. Like everything stops and waits and listens. That's when
the loneliness set in. It is like you are waiting for someone you love to
depart and you want so much for him to stay. The winter was gonna be
dreadful. I felt desperate. I needed someone. The thought of going through
the winter alone was so unbearable. I had to find someone.

I decided to go to bars. I had only been to a bar once. I went with an
American friend. He was straight and had also all the shortcomings straight
guys supposed to have. First, he liked girls too much. He ate too much and
his was getting fat. He got too excited when there were girls around and
could not stop talking. He never listened. But he could be attentive
sometimes. That made him bearable occationally.  He had a girlfriend
then. She was a little bit overweight, so she managed to put up with him
for a while. His girlfriend had a lesbian friend who was in a drag show in
the bar that night. She invited her, and she invited him and he invited
me. I had nothing else to do that night and I was curious, so I tagged
along.

The bar was full of people. More than half were lesbian. Most of them were
big. Guys in the bar were not impressive at all. Lots of middle age men who
had lost their fight with body fat. The drag show was boring. Lesbians in
guy's outfits, lip-synching. Or guys in girl's outfits. All of them were
fat and ugly. It was so sad looking at them. I could not understand
people's fascination of drag show. I think maybe it is supporting of the
minor group in a minor group or it is some of craziness we want but dare
not to try but like to see other people do it.

That was more than three years ago. I had never been to a bar afterwards.
The bar is in the nearby city where the Germen guy lived. There is a bar in
the town where I live. But I decided to go to the other bar for my
solo-adventure, because I knew the setting. It was more familiar to me and
it was half an hour away. If anything stupid happened, I could run away and
no one was gonna notice.

I was nervous when I walked in the bar. It was about 10pm, still early.
People scattered about. I really needed to pee. The restroom was empty. I
was afraid that someone was gonna grab my butt. But it did not happened. So
I was reliefed while a little disappointed. I sat down by the bar and asked
for a bottle of water. The bartender was kinda cute but too fem. The music
was loud. When he gave me a paper towel, I did not hear what he was
saying. But there it was, a phone number on the paper. I actually felt
flattered although I did not plan to call. After a while I moved away from
the bar and found a seat by the dancing floor. A middle age guy came up to
me, he touched my knee.

"Can I buy you a drink"

"no thank" I tried to be polite.

"Ok then, You've got my phone number. Give me a call sometimes if you want"

It dawned on me that the phone number was from him. I felt kind of violated
although I knew I should not. I always tell myself you should be thankful
if anyone likes you. But did he really like me or he thought I would settle
for less. I did not dwell on the thought for long before I joined the crowd
dancing on the floor. I had never really danced before. But soon I found
that I was actually quite good at dancing. I felt free for the first time
since I entered the bar.

That night there was a stripper show in the bar at 11pm. The Strippers were
from chicago and were call Chicargo beef. A drag queen was hosting the
show. It was much better than the drag show. At least they have nice
bodies. Some of them were really cute. At the intermission, they moved
about in the bar to mingle with the crowd. Some guys tried to chat them
up. I saw the guy who gave me his phone number slipped one stripper some
money and the stripper let him feel him up but the stripper had a disgusted
look on his face.

After the show, people continued to dance. I danced with a guy for a while.
There was this another guy who joined us after a while. I liked him. We
shout out our name and nice to meet you. But that was it, we were both
shy. The first guy wasn't shy at all. He tried to kiss me on the lip but I
rejected. I fled the bar after that.

I went to the bar for a couple of times. The middle age guy and the guy who
tried to kiss me were always there, but they pretended that they did not
recgnize me at all.  That's a relief. I was ready to tried out the bar in
my town. It was in this bar where I met Ben.

Chapter 2

The bar in our town is quite different from the bar in the other
city. Since it is a college town, the bar has a much younger crowd. The
bartenders are almost all students. There are some middle age men.  But
they usually keep to themselves. They try so hard to enjoy themselves, but
apparently, they know they don't fit in. And they are very self-concious
about it. There are this middle age couple who are always in the bar
dancing. They just have some clean fun. In another word, they are not dirty
old men.

I met Ban at my second time there. The dance floor was very crowded. He
moved over, and smiled at me. He had this very bright smile. His teeth were
white and straight. I have always thought those teeth were capped. But I
never had the courage to ask. His eyes were shining. He was blond. I had
never liked blond very much. But his look suited him well. It gave him a
sunny feeling, which went well with his personality. We danced, then he
left. I did not give it much thought.

I went to the bar the following weekend. It was Halloween. I bought a small
package of Halloween makeup late that night. That was all I wanted to
spend. I had had better plans, but they turned out to require more time and
more work, and I was too lazy to do it. The process needed to make myself
ready for the party also turned out to be more time consuming than I had
expected. The whole makeup took me more than half an hour. All I tried to
do was to make my face look pale with the white paint and draw some red
lines that looked like blood running down my eyes and nose.

When I got to the bar, it was packed. There were many huge drag queens and
people dressed up in different outfits. Some guy had a big pair of wings on
his back and when he walked, the wings kept brushing other people or got
tangled up with their dresses. Some drag queens were lip synching on the
dancing floor. I thought since I had to go throught it again. I'd better
enjoy it. I had many more similar experiences later. Everytime, it striked
me how sad their live seemed to be.  One thing I noticed is that they
usually leave when the show is over. They don't stay and party with
others. I can't imagine how they look when they don't have the makeup and
fancy dresses.

The drag show was finally over, and at once the dancing floor was flooded
with people.

"Hey, we met again" There he was, having the same makeup as I had. But
apparently he spent more time and money on it. He was wearing a black
outfit. It was wide open showing his wide chest. He also wore a pair of
tight pants and a black clock.

We danced. There were so many people. We were very close. He took my hand
and held me close. It had been a long time since I was held. It felt really
nice, kind of like home.

"You are a good dancer" He said.

I had never known how to reply when complimented. So I smiled.

"You are so sweet" He said, laughing as if I intrigued him.

"come" He took my hand and led me of to a concer of the bar, where he
introduced me to some of his friends. Then he grabed a small asian boy and
told me that he was his boyfriend.

"So he has a boyfriend" that was all I thought of "It is just some kind of
flirting. We'll forget about each other the next day." Which did not bother
me a bit. But I was a little annoied. The music was so loud. I did not feel
like talking at all. I told them I was going back to the dancing floor.

Later, he came back to the dancing floor. So did his boyfriend. His
boyfriend was dancing with someone else. I could never get how serious this
boyfriend thing is. Every american boys in the unveristy has a boyfriend or
a girlfriend. Usually, it means someone you hang out with and make out
with. A lot of times, I found that we have different definations for the
same things like commitment, love, or freedom. So I thought if he did not
mind, why would I. Looked like he flirted with everyone he liked.

Late that night, he led me to another part of the bar where no music was
playing and people can actually talk.

"We have a party tomorrow, I want you to come"

"Here" He asked for a paper towel and wrote down his name and his number.
"just some friends. We are not gonna do anything crazy. So you don't have
too worry." He was quite sincere. And I always believe my judgement of
people.

I gave him my number.

"I'll call you tomorrow and tell you my address. Promise me you will
answere." He was quite eager.  But I believed him.

Later he told me, when he saw me, he had this desire to have me in his
life.  "I just could not bear to not having you in my life." He said.

When the DJ finally announced the bar was closed, he was still holding my
hand. He meet some other friends on our way out and he proudly presented me
to them. "see, we even have the same makeup. It is fate, isn't it."

He gave me a hug, before I left. I saw that his boyfriend was a little
amused but also annoied.

Chapter 3

The next day, I went to my lab. In the afternoon, I did some shopping and
bought a bottle of red wine.  When I got home, my answering machine was
blinking. The message was from Ben. He gave me a detailed direction to his
place. I called back. He sounded happy to hear from me.

I cleaned up and went to his place. It took me 20min to get there. His
house was in a new development area. Most houses there looked similar, but
they were all new and clean. I rang the bell. Someone opened the door. It
was his boyfriend. He seemed enthuthestic.

"Hey mark, it is so nice to see you. Oh red wine, so sweet." He was like a
housewife, fussy but pleasant.

"Ben, it is mark. He brought red wind."

Ben ran out. He gave me a hug. "It is so nice you come."

It sounded funny. Come also means ejeculation, so I am always careful to
use it in a sentence. But his hug was comforting.

There was someone else in the house. "Tim, you remember him. Last night he
was in a farmer outfit."

"That was very cute." He winked at Tim, then turned to me "Timis my best
friend."

Tim was a very good example of average Joe. He was a nice person, someone
everyone wanna be friend with, but very few wanna have him as a
boyfriend. I knew later that he dated a lot. He fell for his dates quickly,
but none of the affairs went to the second round.

"We are still waiting for someone. He is from D city, so it is gonna take a
while."

We talked for a while, nothing special, just about this and that. What do I
study; how long have I been here; How do you like it so far. Ben also
showed me around the house. He seemed to be very proud of the house, which
was understandable. It had a big sitting room, which opened to a
patio. There were a lot of asian decorations. It was all mixed up. Some
were Janpanese. Some were chinese. He asked me to translate the Chinese
poets to him. On the patio, there was a table with writing brush and ink.

"You do chinese calligraphy?"

" a little bit."

"Someday, I am gonna ask you to write something for me."

"I can give you an oil painting if you want."

"That would be so lovely."

He showed me his bedroom and his boyfriend's bedroom. "Kay likes art
too. Oh I called him Kay sometimes." His boyfriend's name is Kerry. The
finding that they lived together gave me an reality check. It might be a
blessing, who knows. I told myself. Never had I had a real gay
friend. Maybe it could be the beginning. At least I had the chance to
really know a person, before hormone messed up my rationality. I tended to
jump into something if I liked someone. Then I got tired because when I got
to know a person, I concentrated too much on his shortcomings. That's why
friends always last longer than boyfriends.

The so called art was some copies of cartoon characters, like wonder woman,
superman.

Finially it was the guestroom, which was totally Janpanese. "This is where
you'll sleep some day."

"You know, I don't sleep in Janpanese bed. I don't eat Japanese food. I
don't date Japanese boys." I said.

He thought this was very funny and told the others like a grandma telling
everybody something her grandson just said which she thought was cute but
not so funny by others' standards.

"Why?" They asked.

"Political reasons."

At last the other guest arrived. He was good looking. He looked jaded but
at the same time like a spoiled child. This time Kerry showed him around.

"It is gonna take a while." Ben said in a doting way " He is gonna tell him
all the histories behind all the items we collect." He used the we word,
which I did not like.

Dinner was OK, I did not talk much. Mostly Kerry and Tim's date Josh
talked.  Josh liked the attention.  The way he talked was like he was
superior and he criticized everything. I did not care much about him, so it
did not bother me at all. Ben kept asking me "are you OK?" and touched my
hands reassuringly. During the dinner, Kerry suddenly exclaimed "we have to
find Mark a boyfriend."

I was a little offended. I did not need anyone's help to find a boyfriend.
"I am not really looking. I enjoy being with myself most of the time." I
lied. Still I partially believed that was true.

After the dinner, everyone got ready for the bar. It was the first total
gay experience I had. Facial Mask, Hair gel, moisturizer. First we washed
our face, then applied the Mask. You are not supposed to talked to much or
smile with the Mask, otherwise it is gonna cause wrinkles. We talked with
only our lips moving, without any facial expression. To me it was so funny,
I could not help laughing. After we rinsed it off, we looked in the mirror.

"now look at yourself, you face is glowing." He looked at me for a minute.

"You don't like it, do you."

"No." I had to be honest.

"See that's the difference. You have naturally good skin. For us, we have
to take good care of ourselves to be presentable."

When we went out, it was raining. The bar was desolate. No one was dancing.
"hey let's get the party started." Ben said. We all moved to the dancing
floor. Josh had this queen attitude. He had to be invited. I did know
why. He did not quite enjoy it. Maybe he did not think he got enough
attention.  Soon, the dancing floor was crowded. I did not notice when they
left the dancing floor. But when I left it to find them, they were nowhere
to be found. I was angry, mostly of myself than of them. I went home
alone. One side of me wanted to forget about them. The other side tried to
put sense into my head. Finally, the rationality won over my ego. I called
Ben and left a message on his cell phone.

Then next day, he called, apologizing. It turned out that Josh wanted to
leave suddenly, and they did not even have time to say goodbye, which still
not enough to sooth my ego.  But after all, he cared, so he is forgiven.

Chapter 4

The following weekend, I called Ben. I told myself I just wanna say hello.
But that was not true. I wanted to be near him. My place and I seemed
cold. His place with nice lit rooms and his personality seemed so warm. I
longed for the family feeling.

"You wanna go out for lunch tomorrow." He asked.

"Yes, I 'd like to." The night seemed longer but bearable, cause I had
something to expect.

I brought a painting I did the previous Winter with me. All my paintings
are kind of sad. I tend to be drawn to sad people and sad beatiful
pictures. I tried to paint something warm the previous winter. It was cold
and I wanted to have something to lift my spirit up. It was a man touching
another man's face in a wild field. The late afternoon autumn sun casting
on them gave the whole frame a warm feeling. Still it is a little sad like
the tenderness is so poignant. It is not my best one. I did not want to
part with my better ones, not as gifts.

Kerry was nowhere in the house. Ben told me he was working. We hugged. I
thought I had addicted to it already. Holding each other, laying your head
on each others shoulder, suddenly, you feel like whole, like all the
acheing and yearning are fading away.

He liked the painting very much, and said I was really talented, which
embarassed me a bit.

"It is too gay for my straight friends anyway. I thought your house could
have a painting."

After he finally have enough look at the painting, we sat down in two
different couches. It was cloudy that morning. The silver light from the
sliding door to the patio gave the funiture a gentle cool look. It was like
we were in a old black and white photo in the old time. We talked about
friends, about how people adjust to environment. How we changed. How to
maintain our own identity, not losing ourselves. It struck me how he could
be so deep and shallow at the same time. He cared so much about his look,
his body, and all these small distractions. I thought maybe that was a good
attitude towards life, enjoying it and following it. And maybe I was the
shallow one with all these analyzing.

He called Tim on our way to the restaurant. When we were in public place,
he became all flirty again.  He flirted with the waitress. Talked about
Tim's hair style. But when he looked at me, it was with all the
sincerity. Tim was dating a new guy again that weekend, a guy from
Hongkong.

"I really like him. We hung out in my apartment, rent a movie and cuddle. I
gave him my phone number. He has not called yet. I think it went well" Poor
Tim. All the expectation and dissapointment.

Ben seemed to have been used to it. "welcome to our group. So you finally
found how beatiful asian boys are."

Ben asked me if I was free in the afternoon. I told him that I needed to
teach a friend to drive. Tim said he was a driving coach before. He seemed
quite eager to help. I really feel sorry for him. I knew quite well what a
pain loneliness could be sometimes. Tim left after the lunch. I went to
walmart with Ben.  He needed to do someone grocery shopping.

"Tell me what kinds of guys do you like." He asked.

"I like you." I said. It was quite easy for me. And I did not mean
sexually.  It was my general feeling for him. Something quite, peaceful and
normal.

He did not answer but it did not bother me, cause I knew that he liked me.
It was easy being with him, because I did not have to guess how he felt
about me. It was just that clear.

I put my hand over his hand when we left walmart. It was not intentional.
His hand was on the gear shift. When I was with my first German boyfriend,
it had became a habit holding each other's hands when driving. I said
sorry. He said he did not mind. But I kept my hands under control. I wanted
this friendship to work out. I wanted it to last forever. I did not wanted
to ruin it.

Chapter 5

One night, I was at home. I looked out of my window. What I saw was one of
the most beautiful pictures of my life. There are moments when you stop and
see something so beautiful, you feel happy and sad at the same time. You
want so much to preserve the moments but you know nothing so beautiful
could last. And you just want to share this fleeting moment with someone
you love. One of this moment was in the first winter I was here. It was
late afternoon. From my window, I could see two trees. The blanches were
bare of leaves but they were covered by snow or ice. The late afternoon
sunlight passing the blanches, lit up the snow and ice, it was like crystal
and jade and heaven. I was sad because I had no one then. The second time
was the second spring. It was in a morning, I woke up early and went to
school on a early bus. There was fog, and the sun was coming up. So the fog
was fading, but some still lingered by trees. It was like dream, you
childhood and lost innocence. I sent my second German boyfriend an email
decribing what I saw. He replied right away, telling me he saw the same
thing too and my mail was beatiful. I was happy that day.

That night, an early winter night, when I looked out of my window, I saw
something I wanna share with Ben. The night was quiet like deep sleep. The
full moon was silver blue. Beside the moon was cloud like a lotus flower
with silver lining lit up by moonlight. The sky was deep but approachable.
On the ground, everything was calm and peaceful as if it was under the
blessing of the half smile of a buddha. I felt like that if I kicked the
ground hard enough, I could fly away like a spirit in a nirvana. I took my
digital camera and tried to capture it, but it did not work. I wanted so
much to call Ben and tell him "look out the window." But I did not. I
called the other friend.  She was single and alone. Still I felt there was
something missing.

That weekend, I invited Ben and Kerry out for dinner. The original plan was
Saturday night, but Kerry had to work, so we postponed to Sunday night. I
went to my lab on Saturday, working the whole day.  When I pulled out of
the parking lot. I was daydreaming. I could not remember what I was
thinking about. But I sure got a lot on my mind. And I was sucking a
candy. I tried to role down the window and throw out the stick in the
candy. I lost control of my car. It ran into a car parked by the street.
The alarming system of the other car went off. I managed to get out of my
car. The front of my car and the other car were badly damaged. It was
raining. I stood on the sideway waiting for the owner to come out. The
sound of the alarm echoing on the barren street. Finally a couple of guys
came out. We called the police and the towing company. They were nice, but
apparently upset. The guys were from another state and here for the
football. So it was gonna be a hassle to get home. "are you all right, you
are shaking." One of the guys asked.

"It is the cold." I said.

After everything was settled. The police took me home. I called Jane and
talked for a while. She said she had some dinner left. So I went there and
ate.

The next day I called Ben and told him to picked me up for the dinner. In
the car, he talked about how good a person Kerry was. Always willing to
help his colleages out.

"You sound like a proud boyfriend." I said without showing my jealousy. I
knew I had no right to be jealous. But I was a little bit bitter because of
the car accident.

"Yes I am." He said.

The highway to the restaurant went over a hill. The fog was so thick we
could barely see anything 30 feet away. Somehow I felt safe in it. The road
and the air became all clear after the hill.

Tim was there waiting for us when we got there. The Chirstsmas was coming,
so they talk about all the gifts they were buying for their family. Ben and
Kerry were also talking about the vacation they were gonna take. Which made
me even more miserable. Tim said he was making quilts for his family.  He
bought a sewing machine and began it a couple of weeks ago.

I was kind of quite the evening. Ben asked me if I was alright a couple of
times. When we left. Tim showed us the quilt he had in his car. That must
have being time comsuming with all the pattern.

"Now you are all have special talents. Mark and Kerry paint, you sew. I
suck." Ben said jockingly.

"Oh, I am good at sucking though" he added. Everyone laughed.

They took me home. On the bus, I told them that I had a car accident last
night. I did not plan to tell them, but I needed some attention. With all
the holiday atmosphere, I was depressed. I hated holidays here. Holidays
mean I have to spent time all by myself. It was gonna be the frist chrismas
I spent by myself. The first chrismas I was in the American friend's
home. The second was with my friend John.  His wife was still in China
then. The third year, John and his wife came over. They invited me over for
Chrismas. But his wife had became such a pain in the ass, I did not feel
like going at all.

I got the attention I was supposed to got from Ben. But it did not help at
all.

Chapter 6

Fortunatly, my insurance covered both my car and the other car. I felt
better as the days went by.

Ben called again, inviting me over for dinner. He asked Tim to pick me up.
On our way to Ben's place.  I asked him how was things going with Ken, the
Hongkong guy.

"Pretty well, I guess." So they had a couple of more dates. I was wondering
if I knew this Ken.

"are you going back to China when you finish your school here." He asked.

"Probably not, Too many people there. You could not even find a place to
make out." He laughed, but we pretty much ran out of topics to talk
about. With some people, you never have to worry about having awkward
moments. Ben was an example. With Tim, I just did not have the connection.

They just bought this new Karaok machine and were quite excited about it.
But they did not have many disks and were waiting for some friend to send
them more. We sang along for a while. Kerry had a vioce as high as small
girls, which could be terrifying sometimes. I just did not have the voice
for high pitch songs.

They were planning this weekend getway. We were going to D city the next
weekend. Ben asked me what I liked to do. I knew it was gonna be the same
old. Shopping in malls, bar hopping.

"Why don't we go gambling."Last time I went gamble was in K city. I won
some. I thought without love, I was gonna have luck. They thought that was
a good idea.

We had another guest that night. He was a GI. Very tall and skinny. Short
hair, big eyes. Baby face. He had this bad boy vibe, which made him quite
charming. The dinner turned into a sex talk, which I did not participate
much. But I did not mind at all. I told them some erotic story websites I
went to. It was more about expectation and imagination. Ben was touching my
feet with his.

Because I did not talk much, I drank too much. When the night ended, I was
a little drunk. When we left, we all hugged each other. I was holding Ben
from the back. With the courage from alchol, I kissed his neck.

Dave seemed to make quite an impression on Tim. On our way home, he kept
talking about him.  "Dave is quite cute, isn't he."

The next Friday night, Ben called to comfrim the trip. I was watching the
victoria secret show on CBS.  Sting was singing. It turned out that he was
also a fan. We were so different yet so similar. We always had the similar
outfits. We liked same kinds of films. We have similar opinions about many
things.  Sometimes, I think in a way we are all looking for allys. Someone
to be on our side. It is so lonely fighting alone.

When we finally left for D city, It was kind of late. So we had to cancel
the casino. We went to pick up Dave. He came out in a strange outfit like
those worn by cult people. Black pants long and huge, with a lot of metal
clips and chips and links and chains. Black shirt with skull images. The
fragant he wore was sweet and heavy. It was such a huge contrast from the
one I saw the other night.

He and Ben talked about his mother. From the talk, he seemed like a nice
child taking care of his sick mother. Then they started talking about all
the gay guys they knew in the city. Looked like they knew a lot about them
too. So all the gay guys like to gossip. As far as you don't judge others,
there is nothing wrong with it.

Our first stop was the mall. Tim was a little late. When we finally met, he
was with this asian guy. He was Ken. And I knew him, but we had never
talked before. I did not buy anything in the mall. While Ben spent quite a
lot on cosmetic products. We checked out cute guys. A group of school girls
looked at us giggling which was kind of funny.

In Gap, there was this black employee. He was so clearly a queen. He
wiggled his big butt, pouting his big lips. Kept arranging his scarf and
asking people "can I help you sir."  "can I help you sir." A couple of cute
guys came in the shop, he got totally excited and followed them around.

After the mall, we all went back to the hotel to take a rest and get ready
for the bars. All the beautifying process repeated. I thought I could enjoy
a life like this once for a while, but you got tired if you were too into
it. Sometimes I prefer to be an outsider.

All the gay bars in the city were in a small downtown area. One bar was
having a ten year anniversary than night. The bar was totally packed. We
danced for a while then the drag show began. This one was acctually much
better than the previous ones I saw. We saw the black Gap guy in the
bar. He flirted with Dave and soon they dissappeared behind the bathroom
door.

Over the dancing floor, a big web was holding hundreds of balloons. Inside
the balloons were gifts.  After the drag show, the web was loosed and
everyone tried to catch as many as they could. I got one.  I got a shirt
with the ticket inside.

We decided to go to another bar. But Dave was nowhere to be found. Ben went
to find him. He disappeared too. Kerry and I waited by the door for a while
and went to find them. There they were in the middle of the bar, flirting
with each other. Kerry did not went up to them. Instead, he went back to
the door. I followed him. There was some saddness on his face. We kept
silent and waited until they came out.

They did not waited for Tim and Ken. I was getting angrier but I did not
say anything. The other bar was much quiter and it had huge dancing floor
with mirror walls. Not many people were dancing. But I did not care. I
danced and Ben joined me. I tried to pulled Kerry in, but he was reluctant.

In the middle of a song, I heard Ben whispering "Mark, what am I supposed
to do with you." I pretended that I did not hear it.

When we left the bar, Dave came out of the bathroom. He was drunk and with
a fem boy in a leather jecket. He was loud and rude. The boy left. I did
not know what happened.  But it did not take me long to figured out that
they dated for a month and the boy left him. It sounded ridiculous to me
that it deserved so much drama. Now I knew beside gossip, every gay guy
liked drama.  In the car, he was cursing everyone involved or not involved,
which was quite a scene to watch if you were not in the same car. We all
tried to calm him down but with no success. We stop at a restaurant for
something to eat. The waitress was kind of rude, and everybody got pissed
off. Even Tim began to curse. We left the restaurant without ordering
anything. I was used to people being rude. It was acceptable that you got
angry working at 2:00pm in the morning and having to deal with some drunk
guy.

We got something to eat in a fastfood restaurant. With food, Dave seemed to
gain some sanity. Ben seem to got a lot on his mind. On our way back to the
hotel, he reached over and put his hand on my neck. It stayed there all the
way back to the hotel.

We took turn taking shower. There were only two beds and we had six people.
Ben, Kerry and Dave shared a bed. Ken, Tim and I share the same bed. Ken
and I chated a bit when Tim was in the shower.  He seemed to be a nice
person, but he was not my type. When Tim came out he slid between us. I
turned to the side. I heard Tim say "can I cuddle with you." Ken answered
"sure"

I woke up early in the morning. I did not sleep well. The bed was too hot,
while the air was cold. I had to opened the blanket and closed it again and
again while afraid of waking them up.

Dave seemed to regret about last night and he apologized. On our way home,
nobody talked much. We all listen to the music. Ben reached over and I took
his hand. We dropped Dave off at his place. On our way to my place, Ben
suddenly asked again. "what Kind of people do you like."

"Someone like myself I guess. I want a simple life."

Chapter 7

We talked on the phone for a couple of time after that. Once he asked me if
I was gonna stay here after I graduate. I said "No I hate the winter here."

I complaint about the unstablity of gay relationship. When you leave one
place, you usually leave someone one behind. He said not if you were really
in love. One person could always move with the other one. I had never
stayed or gone anywhere for anyone, so that made me a selfish person plus
never being in love.

He said he would be knocking on my door at that very moment if he did not
have a boyfriend. That was quite a compliment, but also sounded sad.

Then came the afternoon. I called him. He said he was coming over. We
hugged when he stepped in my apartment. "I miss you." I said.

We sat down on my couch. He kissed me on the lips, which took me by
surprise. I had promised myself never to make the first move. He pulled
back and looked at me in the eyes. To reassure him, I moved forward and
kissed him.

He sighed after we broke the kiss. "I have wanted to do this for so long."
I heard him say.

We made out on the couch. At one point he asked "what are you thinking."

I said "nothing." Which hurt him a bit.

"People always say that." He thought I did not want to tell he what was on
my mind. Truth was I did not know what to tell. I buried my face in his
neck. I heard him wisper my name.

Time flew by. He said he still had some last minute chrismas shopping to
do.  When we put our clothes on. He said "so we fooled around. That was
nice. Lets forget about it and still be friends." I knew he was trying to
make the situation easy on both of us, so I was not offended at all. In a
way, I thought he wanted to see my reaction to know how much I cared.

We went shopping together. I had nothing to buy, So I just walked around
the stores. He was busy picking up things on his list. "you have this way
of walking. Quiet and serene." He came up behind me. We touched each other
here and there not intentionally but subconciouslly. One time he held my
hand. When he realized it, he dropped and apoplgized "I did not mean to
embarrass you in a public place." I said "I don't care."

We then went to car wash. We kissed in the car when it went through the
washing tunnel. It was like the whole world was blocked out and there were
only two of us. Then we went to the wine shop. The boss looked me up and
asked how old I was and If I was of legal age. Ben was quite
interested. "see, I told you. You look young. Don't ever say you feel old
again."

On our way back to my apartment. He invited me over for dinner, but I
rejected. I told him about the HBO movie Angles in America.

"so that's the reason you don't wanna come."

"NO."

"Then I guess you don't like the food I cook."

"Not really." I had to be honest.

He laughed. I thought that was the reason he liked to accept. The real
reason was that I did not wanted to face Kerry. I did not know how I would
reaction if I saw they were intimate. As the same time I felt sorry for
him. I always say that I was not bound by commen morals. Different people
have different heavens or hells. Every mistake because of loneliness or
true feelings is forgivable. But I also tell myself not to do anything that
I don't want others to do to me. And there I was doing it. At the same time
I was not regreting it. The only person I felt sorry for was Kerry.  Only
later did I know that all three of us were victims of our desire for love.

The minute we were in my apartment, we started making out again. He seemed
to have completely forgoten his earlier comment.

"are you scared of falling for me." I asked him in the middle of hugging
and kissing.

"Are you." He asked.

"I am."

He sighed. A couple of minutes later "I have already fallen."

After the passion subsided, we lay there cuddling. I could see he got a lot
on his mind. He was torn apart. "I don't wanna leave." I heard him
murmured.

"What do you see in me, Mark." "why do you have to like me."

"never question yourself, Ben." I did not know how to comfort him. "You are
the most selfless person I have seen." That was true. He was always kind to
others, always considerate to how others feel, even with an asshole like
Dave.

"You are so kind, you have so much great qulities. You deserve someone
better. Someone that could love you unconditionally."

"I don't wanna hurt you or Kerry." That's the first time he brought up
Kerry that day.

"Don't worry about me." Neither did I have any clue where this would
went. I hoped that I could spare him any pain. He seemed to have fallen
harder than I did. It was better I pulled out from this triangle.

When he finally left. I leaned on my kitchen counter. The apartment seemed
darker and colder. My mind was all blank.

Chapter 8

Ben and Kerry left for a vacation the next week. I though of Ben when I was
walking when I was eating. He was in my mind before I went to sleep and
when I woke up in the morning. I did not sleep well. Sometimes I woke up at
night, with all the longing. Like nowhere to go and you try to grab
something solid. It drove me crazy.

I went to the bar alone that weekend. I danced alone. It was quiet at the
beginning. Even with loud music if there were not many people around, you
got this quiet feeling. More people came as the night deepened. Then came a
group of people. Some were black and some were bi-racial. I always have a
liking for bi-racial people. They look exotic. Fair skin. Beatiful faces.
There was a boy in the group.  He had this big doe eyes, full lips, short
hair. He sat by the dancing floor, while his friends flirting with other
people. Late that night he finally came up to the dancing floor.  He danced
around me for a while, apparently not a good dancer. He was shy and smile
innocently. We move together. I made the first move. I took his hand and
led him close.

We danced the whole night. When the bar closed, we were holding hands. We
took a walk outside.

"what's your name." I asked.

"Larry. You."

"Mark."

"Where are your friends."

"I don't know."

Some of them were his cousins. Others were his cousins' friends. They came
in a brand new Mercedes.  They are from D city, which was one hour away. He
asked me where I live.  Here I said.

"Damn, all the good ones are far away." He talked like a teenager. It is
really hard to tell their ages. It could be much older or much
younger. "Can I have your phone number."

I gave it to him. He entered it into his cell phone. But I did not think
anything was gonna happened.  He might call, but if I did not pick up the
phone, then that's the end.

The next day, I went to the lab. When I got home. I had a message from him.
He said he was coming over tonight. When would he left home and when he was
supposed to be here. I called him. He said he was on his way already. I
asked him if he had to work tomorrow. There was a short silence.

I had a panick attack. Oh he was jobless. Then he said he was on vacation.
So I asked him if he was a high school student. He laughed "NO, I go to
college."

The next time he called he was already in the city. But he only knew the
downtown area. I told him to find a parking place near the bar and I would
go get him.

He reminded me of myself when I was younger. If I liked someone, just went
and got him, never afraid of being hurt.

It was cold that night. It took me a while to find him. When I found him,
he was only wearing a shirt.  He followed me to my apartment. He was also
quite impressed by the arts in there.

"You are a better artist than I am." He said.

"You also paint."

"No, I play some piano."

"I wish I could play some music instruments." "My hands are to clumsy."

He took my hands and looked at them "No, you have good hands."

"You were not speaking at all last night in the bar. I thought you were
mute. I was a relief when you finally speak." He said.

"I like people with defects. I am especailly attracted to mute people."

"Sorry to disappoint you." He laughed like a child.

"How old are you." I asked.

"Nineteen, you."

"Twenty five." I never had a problem with my age.

"so when I am twenty five, you are gonna be thirty one."

"good calculation."

"I don't mind at all." He chuckled.

It turned that we had a lot in common. We talked about movie, music. He
like white strip and thought Jake White was cute. I asked him about high
school. He said that was tough if you were gay and out.  He had two big
rings on his fingers.

He told me one was high school graduation ring with his name on it.
Apparently, he went to a private school. The other was from his father. His
father was a marine. His father was black and his mother was Italian.

"I don't think my mother would have any trouble accepting me if she find
out. But my father, that would be a different story."

At one point during our talk. He lean over and I hold him close.

"What are you looking for Mark." He asked.

"I don't think I could handle a full time boyfriend right now."

"I understand." He said, a little sad.

"I like you." I asid.

"I know."

Before we notice, it was twelve already. His phone rang. He did not take
the call. After a minute, he picked it up and looked at the ID. "it is my
Mother."

"Don't you wanna call her back."

"I will call her tomorrow morning."

We took shower separately. Then I gave him some mouthwash. "this stuff is
tough." When he rinsed his mouth. He made face as if it was really
disgusting. "I could be really whiny sometimes." He was like a kid again.

He went to bed with the towel on. I had my pajama on. After a while, he
moved over and kissed me.  He kissed all over. I thought he was possesive
in a way but I did not mind.  He also gave good massage.  He was quite
energetic. Soon it was three in the morning. I really needed to get some
sleep.

"Hey, baby boy, I have to work tomorrow."

"But I could not sleep. You keep me awake."

"Why don't you jerk off."

"only if you jerk off with me."

He came but I did not.

"You were cheating."

"Who do you think of when you usually jerk off." I tried to divert his
attention.

"This time, you." He said accusingly.

"I don't believe it." I went up to take his towel away. Then I took a look
at myself in the mirror. My body and my neck were covered with kiss marks.

"Oh, how am I supposed to explain them to my semi-boyfriend." I referred to
Ben. "And I hate to wear turtleneck." I could be quite insensitive
sometimes. I saw the hurt look on his face.

We went to sleep eventually. I woke up early next morning. He was still
sleepy. But he got up with me.  I took him to the downtown area, where he
could find his way home and I could take a bus to my lab.  The sky was
cloudy and he was moody.

Before I left his car. He said "give me a call."

I called him that night and asked how his day went.

"I slept the whole day off. You kept me awake the whole night." He was
chuckling, seemed to be in a better mood.

"Can I came over this wensday." That was the Chrismas day. "Sure" I said. I
was lonely.

That Wensday. He did not come, and did not call. I was not angry. I was
upset. I called him many times. He did not pick up the phone. I believed
that he was not such an inconsiderate person. There must be something
happening. I thought that subconsciously I wanna believed this explaination
too.  Being stood up was too much for my ego. At one point, I was so upset,
I called Ben. He did not pick up the phone either.

The next day Ben called, he left a message on my phone, saying he did not
have his phone with him last night. At noon, when I was taking a nap, Larry
called. My answering machine picked up the call.  He said he was
sorry. They had a family game night last night and he left his phone in his
room. He was clearly lying. After a short period of silence, he exclaimed
"I did not have money and gas." Like he wanted to get something out of his
chest and embarassed.

So clearly something happened. He had this nice jeep and his family seemed
well of enough to send him to a private school. My guess was that his
father found out. That was what I wanted to believe. I called him that
night and asked him if he was OK. He said he was. But I could tell he was
upset. I did not asked for more information. At the end of the
conversation, he asked "can I come over on December 31th."

I wasn't sure about that. I thought it meant something that he wanted to
spent the new year eve with me. So I said "OK, if you want."

He did not come. And this time I did not call. I threw away his phone
number. I am always wondering what happened. A cynical part of me wanted to
believe that I got stood up, it was just a game I lost. A selfish and no so
selfish part of me wanted to believed that he was not a player and his
father found out. So he did not have the money to come over. I am wondering
what I could have done if that was the truth. I felt kind of weak thinking
of the idea. There was nothing I could have done. I could barly support
myself, let along a rich Kids. Once he told me he spend two hundred on gas
a month.

Chapter 9

Ben came back from his vacation shortly after the new year. He was having a
gathering in his house. I knew quite well that If I went that night
something bad was gonna happen.  But I went anyway, partly because I wanted
to see him partially because my defiance. If there was a god, If you wanted
to give me bad luck, I did not care.

His house was warm and shining, with all the beautiful chrismas decoration.
I havn't been there for a while. It became kind of crowded. There were
small chrismas gifts everywhere. Glass turtle. All kinds of candles. Small
water fountain. Sometimes, I thought chrismas in American had became such a
nonsenese. Everybody accumulates lots of useless gifts.

Tim was with an quite attractive Latino that night. Clearly Ken had left
him. From Ben, I knew that after Ken, he dated a closet Vitanim guy, some
big dick black guy. He seemed to had a huge crush on the Latino boy.

The Latino boy was Nick, he was in nursing school. Just broke up with his
boyfriend of four years. We sat around the fireplace and talked about new
year resolutions. Tim wanted to find a new job, do some volenteer work. I
thought the second part was just to impress Nick. Nick's resolution was to
graduate nursing school, and work in the unversity hospital and start his
graduate study. Kerry's was to work harder, shop less and spend more time
with his friends. Ben's was to spend more time with his family and take
things slowly and enjoy life more. I did not have a resolution.

"sometimes I want this, sometimes I want that. Sometimes I want a
boyfriend, sometimes I think a full-time boyfriend is too much for me to
handle." That was true, I could never imagine myself being in Kerry's
position. "I just want my experiment to work well."

"That's pretty practical." Ben said.

"with less expectation, less the chance that you got disspointed." "I don't
like to try too hard, that's unnatural."

"how do you know you try enough." Ben asked

"Try till you are satisfied."

"that's an interesting idea."

"Why don't you want a full-time boyfriend." Nick asked. He seemed
interested.

"I might get tired." That's put an end to it.

Nick had to left early that night. Tim escorted him out. When he came back
he was all smiling.

"He asked me if I am gonna be alright to be left alone with you guys. He is
quite protective. Don't you think."

"What do you think of him?"

"I like him." Kerry said. We all agreed. Tim went to the computer and
logged on the msn group and pull out a photo album of Nick's. There were
photos he took with his friends, photos of himself and one his
ex-boyfriend.

"I know his boyfriend. His name is Brad. Right?" I asked Tim.

"Did you go out with him." Ben asked.

"No, he is not my type."

Ben and Tim went to get ready for the bar. Kerry wasn't feel well. So he
was not going. We sat on the couch watching Magaret Cho stand up. He soon
feel asleep. He cuddled up to me and holding my hand. His fingers were
shaking in his sleep. That was the first time he did not wear hair gel. I
suddenly felt some tenderness welling up from my heart. Like he was my
child and I could not bear to hurt him.  I knew it was time I ended the
affair with Ben.

I drove my own car following Ben and Tim. When we got out of the house, it
was snowing. The snow was light. They took the highway. When we got close
to the downtown, snow was much heavier. Its only a ten minute distance,
there was a huge difference. So I wasn't prepared at all. When we went off
the highway, it was downhill. Suddenly I found that I could not control my
car. The brake lost it function. My car went sideway and sliding forward. I
actually prayed that I did not hit Ben's car. His was a brand new sport
car. I did not want to get into anything finantial with him. Luckly they
speeded up the car.

My car ran into a ditch. It was a very short period of time, but you could
hear yourself thinking. It was like looking at your own fate, knowing that
you did not have any control. It was stopped by short bushes and snow. My
mind went blank, like the light refleting on the snow in front of me. I got
out of my car and climbed up the ditch. I stood by the side way, not
knowing what to do. Cars running by, I thought Ben and Tim did not
know. Then I had to walk home. Then I saw him running towards me. He pulled
me into him.

"Mark, Are you Ok, you are not hurt, are you." He was more nervous than I
was.

"I am alright." I laugh like an idiot. He took off his jacket and put it on
me.

"No, you are gonna catch cold." I put it back.

He later told me that he thought he was gonna lose me when he saw the car
run into the ditch, that's when he realized how much he loved me.

"Look like we have to deal with it tomorrow. You wanna go home or go to the
bar."

"The bar." I said.

After dance, he led me to a quite corner.

"Mark, I am so sorry about the car."

"It is not a big deal." I said.

"sometimes I notice that you like to dance alone. I don't wanna hold you
down." He was trying to say something. "I am so sad. Everyone I love is not
well. My mom is dying. The doctor told me that she could not go through
this winter. Kay, he has a tumor in his brain." He was crying.

I was heartbroken. I held him close. "Sorry Ben, I did not know it. I am so
selfish dwelling on my feeling for you."

"No, you are my only comfort. When I think of you, everything seems much
more bearable. Like I saw the light."

We went back to his place. Everyone sat in the kitchen talking about this
and that. After Tim and Kerry went to sleep. Ben led me into the
guestroom. We did not do anything, we just cuddled. I guessed we both
needed the comfort. One moment, I told him to get back to Kerry. He did not
hear it clearly. But I did not repeated either.

Then the door went open. Kerry stood there and call Ben. Ben got up and
went back to their bedroom with Kerry.

I did not sleep well and woke up early in the morning. The room was
cold. No one was up yet. I found a book and sat in the kitchen reading it,
waiting for the day to break the night. I thought that I could never love
Ben as much as Kerry do. I decided that I was not gonna see Ben again. Tim
came up with a blanket warpping around himself. Apparently it was cold down
there to. We kept quite. He went outside and picked up the
newspaper. Aftering going throught it. He said "It is the heaviest snow
this year. I am wondering if Nick got home safe last night."

Ben came out. His cheerful self again. "what a host I am. I forgot to turn
on the heat last night." He turned on the electric fire in the fireplace
and asked us to sit around the fire. Then he grabed and blanket and put it
over me. That morning Kerry called triple A to have my car towed out of the
ditch.  It was still snowing, we took Kerry's jeep there. When we were
waiting, a car came off the highway. It lost control and ran into and
lamppole. When Ben saw it, he got off the jeep and ran towards the car.
The lady at the passenger seat were hurt. Ben call 911 and stayed by her
side talking with her trying to keep her awake. I realized what a wonderful
man I was gonna left behind.

The ambulance came, so did the police car. It was a total chaos. The guy
from the towing company came and took a look at my car. He told us we had
to wait until the snow stopped and the road cleared up. They took me back
to my apartment. It was all cold and lifeless.

Chapter 10

The next day was Monday. When I got home from school. Ben left a message on
the anwering machine. He had all the paper work done. And Tim would pick me
up. That was a sunny day. The air was crispy and extremely cold. It was
kind awkward being alone with Tim. I was happy that he had Nick to talk
about.

"Tim, can I ask you a favor." I did not like it a bit.

"Sure, what is it."

"I am not gonna see Ben and Kerry for a while?"

"Why?" He asked, but I was sure he had known the reason.

"Some reason." I was not comfortable talking about it.

"Oh" It seemed to dawn on him and he stopped asking.

"Do you mind that I call you sometimes and ask about how they are doing."

"Not at all, you are very welcomed."

They pulled my car out of the ditch. It was still drivable but needed to be
fixed. I wanted to buy Tim a dinner for the trouble. But he rejected. That
was some relief to me. I drove my battered car home. I called Ben to thank
him. My nose was running because I stayed outside for so long. He thought I
was crying. He said he loved me. I was happy. I said I loved you too. I did
not know if that was love or not.  But I cared for him that much, I could
not bear to not say it back. I did not care. Even if that was not real
love, I had never been that close to being in love.

I told him that I wanted to be left alone for a while. "I need to get over
this feeling for you Ben."

I could tell that was not what he wanted. The idea of me getting over him
scared him. "I don't work that way. Once it is there it is there
forever. You are the second person I really loved. But I respect you
decision."

The next day I drove my car to an auto shop and had it check. This time, my
insurance did not cover my own car. To have it fixed costed three
thousand. I told them that even the car was intact, it worth less than
three throusand.

That night, Tim called and asked about my car. So I told him about the
checkup. The next day, I got an email from Ben, telling me that he wanted
to help me have the car fixed. I told him that I had the money. I asked him
not to be so good to me. How else was I supposed to get over him. My reply
hurt him. He said he was not gonna bother me again. I could not bear to see
him hurt. The whole morning I was sulking. I wrote him a letter telling him
why I had to do that. I was not a cold hearted person. I just wanted to
protect myself. And I did not wanna see him hurt too. So that was the best
for us.

Chapter 11

Ben and Kerry went to P City to have the tumor removed the following
week. I called Tim the day after the surgery. The surgery went well. I was
happy. With Kerry getting better, Ben would have someone to lean on.

It was when you tried to get over someone that you realize how much he
meant to you. I could not sleep well. I woke up in the middle of the night,
wandering around my apartment like a ghost. I got angry. Once I was so
angry, I sent him an email accusing him seducing me even when he was still
in love with Kerry. Sometimes you like someone so much, you want to hurt
him. I regretted right after I sent the mail. Days and weeks got by slowly.

One morning, I got an email from Ben. His mother passed away that
morning. I called him that night, trying to comfort him. He cried in the
phone. He said that was he first time he cried since he got there.

"Mark, I am so tired. I have been tried to be strong for everybody." I
understood his outburst. If you are strong, people expect you to take the
burden and suffer silently.

"Hey, you have us. Kerry, Tim, and me. We will be there for you."

"I love you." He said

"I love you too." I understood that he needed all the love he could get.

I sent him some jokes, trying to cheer him up. I did not think that helped
much. But all I could do was listening and waiting.

Life went on. I knew if I suffered this much. He must have suffered much
more than I do. We tried not to write or call each other.

One day, the longing became so unbearble, I sent him an email. There was
nothing in it expect I miss you. He called that night, saying he almost
came over.

"Lets meet sometime next week." He said.

"OK" I did not care. If I was gonna go to hell, then bring on the hell.

Chapter 12

That was Thursday. We had a seminar that morning. And after the seminar
anyone who wanna talk with the seminar speaker could go to lunch with
him. My lab collaborated with another lab. They had a new postdoc. Usually
none of them went to the seminar in our department.  That morning, my boss
invited them all over, trying to impress the new postdoc. The guy was from
China. I found an apartment for him and picked him up. He was very rude, so
I did not like him at all. And He smelled.  The first night he was here, my
boss wanted to take him out for dinner. And he asked me along. But I did
not want to go so I told them that I had to work that night. I did not know
that my boss was mad at me because I refused to go to dinner with them.

He picked that morning to take out his anger at me. After the seminar, he
told me I should go to lunch, which he never cared much about. I told him I
could not. He went into a rage. It was ridiculous.

I went home anyway. Ben and I were supposed to meet at noon. When I got
home, he was already there. The sideway outside of my apartment was cover
with snow. He stood there, all black. I ran towards him. My scarf flew
away, so I had to run back and pick it up. I ran into his arms.

"It was so nice to see you again." He murmured on my ear. It had been two
monthes since we last saw each other.

We cuddled on my couch. At one point, I was on top of him "Ben, say you
love me."

"I love you, Mark"

"I love you, Ben."

We then moved to my bed. "I want you to be happy, Mark."

We were so tired, like all the emotions were so heavy, it squeezed out the
passion in us. He dozed off in my arms. Finally time came for him to
leave. He had to get back to work.

On his way out he stop "Mark, say you love me."

"I love you, Ben."

"I love you, Mark."

We were in each other's arms again. "I have always wondering what it is
like to be your boyfriend, to lead a life you lead." He said.

"Can we just like this. Meet once for a while. I have never wanted you to
leave Kerry." I asked.

"That would be unfair for you and for Kerry. You deserved someone who could
give you all the love he could give." I did not realize then that it would
be even more unfair for him.

"Ben, stay for the afternoon, or stay forever." I said.

"Forever, you will get tired of me."

Somehow, we both knew that that would be the end.