Date: Mon, 17 Dec 2001 18:18:04 -0000
From: Ryan Collins <Phoenix.Angel@btinternet.com>
Subject: love through hyperspace part three: are gay relationships like the sea?

LOVE THROUGH HYPERSPACE
CHAPTER 3: ARE GAY RELATIONSHIPS LIKE THE SEA?

This story is completely imaginary. If any gay material offends you; then
why are you reading gay material? As for anyone under 18 you know the drill
you shouldn't be reading this.


The door slowly opened to reveal Daniel, his dark untamed hair flowing as
the wind hit his face.  I could feel myself trembling, what was this that I
felt; I was overcome with emotion.  I wondered how he felt opening the
door, as I appeared unannounced? I wondered if he was shocked or amused; or
even happy.  I hoped that he had felt the way I did.

"Hey, can I come in?" I asked

"Of course you can; I invited you -- well maybe I invited you to come round
tomorrow but hey the earlier the better," He smiled as he ruffled his
hair. I wonder if he was analysing me at that moment, because he looked
into my eyes and gave me a smile. As he smiled like that at me, I began to
feel that he actually had feelings towards me. I didn't want him to have
feelings for me; I had gotten used to the idea of being alone all my
life. I didn't want love but why did I go there? I can't answer that
question my self. I had no defence against Daniel; he did not need any
protection against me.

I entered cautiously as I knew what a typical student dorm was like. I was
totally caught off-hand at how clean it was, I was expecting to have to
trod through piles of old magazines, half-drank bottles of alcohol and a
pile of underwear that was reminiscent to a rubbish heap outside the back
of a charity shop. As I walked in I told myself to get a grip of myself; I
managed to regain my composure.  I looked around; his room was warm and
comfortable looking, Red painted walls with pine varnished shelves built
into the wall. I noticed an acoustic guitar on his wall.

"Do you play?" He asked

"Guitar, yeah I do, I'm not that good at it though. I just learned how to
play that song by Coldplay.  What's it called again, oh aye that it; it's
called Yellow."

I was anxious to hear him play. I could imagine him holding the guitar, his
head bowing in concentration plucking away at the nylon stings gently;
gently playing a melody for me. My heart began to pound as I imagined him
with the guitar, what was it that I was feeling? Was it love was it lust --
I said earlier that I didn't want to be loved, I didn't want to feel love,
because all relationships that I have seen gay men have imitated the
tides. One man goes out to sea and another replaces him. Nothing strong,
nothing infinite, nothing complete enough to make me think that I could one
day have a life long companion. But that was only my view at the time if
only I knew then what I did now, I would have never needed a hyperspace
reality to feel loved. But in that moment I didn't need hyperspace, I
didn't need a defence mechanism or a way out I just wanted to let go, I
wanted to fall, I wanted to feel, I was standing right in front of the
lights and I would not budge; for in that moment I could finally feel.

"Play for me?" I asked, as I gently placed his hand round the handle of the
guitar.

Daniel pulled a pillow from his bed and placed it in on his window
ledge. He got himself comfortable and took a strong firm grip of the
guitar. Not only did he play beautifully but he also sang like and angel as
well -- just like in hyperspace. I almost actually confused reality and
hyperspace. I found myself asking myself if this was real or if I was hit
by the lights and now in a coma.  I looked in his eyes -- the stars shone
inside them. I could feel shivers running up and down my spine.  He smiled
at me as he continued to play, he sang and played me like he did that
guitar. I was amazed at how beautiful he really was. I couldn't stop
looking at him, looking into his eyes, I then believed that I was in love;
I just stared amorously into his eyes until he finally put down the guitar.

"Luke why did you come?" He asked trying to look into my eyes - I hid my
face so that he could not see the tears. . I could feel his concern for me
but I was too scared to let go of my defence. Too scared.

"I'm fine it's nothing."

"There's obviously something, you can tell me," he said as he gently
stroked the tears from my cheeks.  He placed the palm of his hand oh the
side of my face. My heart was in my throat; I had ripples dancing up and
down my spine. I felt excited and scared but most of all in that moment I
felt complete.  This wasn't hyperspace, this wasn't my imagination; this
was real. As he touched me I could here the crashing of waves from
outside. This moment for me was magical.

"Daniel I'm in love with you."

He looked at me. He looked in my eyes for what seemed like hours. He ran
his hands through my hair and began to whisper in my ear,

"I love you too."

I could feel everything that I worked for slipping away, I was scared more
that ever before. All the misconceptions of my bullet hole ridden youth
haunted me, travelled beside me, taunted me, told me that I was no
different from any one else that, I would only get hurt, that all that love
would do was bring about pain.  I was scared, but I didn't care. Nothing
mattered now. Nothing but the moment mattered to me.

"Daniel I'm scared."