Date: Mon, 15 May 2006 23:52:10 -0700 (PDT)
From: Lusty <lustyville@yahoo.com>
Subject: Lucas and Lionel-Part 12. You Don't Want to Know

     I sat in the window seat on the bus, looking out at the sun
setting in the distance. Lionel was sitting next to me, with his
head resting on my shoulder. I looked at the divider between our
seats and smiled as I thought of how Lionel behaved when we first
got on the bus. As soon as we sat down, Lionel pulled down the
armrest and winked at me. He was very careful about how we
interacted with each other in public, but I was sure that anyone
with half a brain could see the way we looked at each other and
know that we must be more than friends. I knew I'd been around
couples before and I could feel the chemistry between them, I
liked to think that Lionel and I had that type of chemistry.

     I saw the sign for our town limits and I almost wanted to
cry because I knew we were going back to being Lucas and Jay
again. The bus came to a stop as we pulled in to a parking space
in the terminal. The bus driver announced the transfers and
turned on the lights. I nudged Lionel and he woke up. For a brief
second, he forgot where we were; he leaned in and gave me a light
peck on my lips, and I let him. He jerked back from me as he
realized where we were. He looked around quickly to see if anyone
was watching, but everyone was too busy doing their own thing to
pay attention to us. He flashed me a half smile and stood up to
get his carryon bag. I got up without thinking and hit my head.
I'll never understand why they don't extend the overhead bins
over the other seat, so people like me don't hit our heads. It's
easy to forget that you can't stand straight up, when the person
right next to you can. Lionel laughed at me.

     "Great move, Einstein" he joked.

     "No shit, Sherlock." I said.

     He smiled at me. "What?" Then he laughed to himself and
handed me my carryon bag. We had the brilliant idea to throw our
clothes in our gym bags since we weren't going to be home that
long. We stepped off the bus and walked in to the building. My
parents were waiting for me.

     "There's your fam," said Lionel as he pointed to our left.

     My mother came running towards us. "Lucas!" she shouted as
she hugged me and planted kisses on my cheek.

     I pushed her off, blushing from the embarrassment of having
her kiss me in front of Lionel, even though he had seen her kiss
me several times before. "Mom!"

     "Oh, sorry baby, I wasn't trying to embarrass you." She
steps back some and pinches my cheek. I push her hand away
quickly. "Oh, I'm so happy to see you. I missed you so much." The
love in her eyes made me sad that I had pushed her away. She
reached out and grabbed my hand, as she turned her attention to
Lionel. "So how have you been? Has Lucas been treating you right?
Are you okay, you look sick?"

     I looked over at Lionel and was shocked to find that she was
right, he did look sick. A few seconds ago he looked fine, now he
looked like he could throw up at any moment. "Are you okay?" I
asked him as I put my arm around him.

     "I'm fine!" he said, a little too emphatically for my taste,
but that was not the time to question him.

     My mother seemed to sense the tension because she said,
"Well I'm happy Lucas has a friend to keep him company up there."
Then she turned her attention to me and said, "Sweetie, why don't
you go over there and say hello to your father while I talk to
Lionel."

     "Yes, Momma." I told her as I started walking towards my
father. My father was standing there, with his usual uninterested
look on his face. I could tell he wasn't too happy to see me. I
walked up to him. "Hi Dad."

     "Hey, son." He looked past me towards my mother and Lionel.
I turned to look too because I was curious about what was going
on. My mother was hugging Lionel and he looked like he was
crying.

     "What did she say to him?" I asked my father.

     "Hell if I know." He grabbed my arm which made me turn and
look at him. "Are you messing around with that boy?"

     "Huh?" I could feel the panic building up inside me. I never
wanted to talk about things like this with him. "Why would you
ask that?"

     "I'm not stupid! There's something about the way the two of
you looked as you were walking next to each other. You look too
close to be just friends. Your mother noticed it the second she
saw you. `Looks like Lucas has a boyfriend,' she said before she
ran to give you a hug." He looked me in my eyes. "She was right,
wasn't she? You've turned that boy in to a faggot just like you?"
I would like to say I was shocked and hurt by his words, but he
had said much worse to me before.

     "I didn't turn him in to anything!" I told him.

     He glared at me and I knew he wanted to say something else,
but he didn't. His eyes went back to my mother and Lionel. "What
the hell is she doing?" he asked out loud.

     I turned back around to see my mother planting kisses all
over Lionel's face the same way she tried to do me a few minutes
earlier. It looked like she was kissing away his tears and I knew
it was perfectly innocent, but part of me was jealous because I
wanted to be the one kissing away his tears. I took my arm away
from my father and went over to see what was going on with
Lionel. He saw me approaching before I could get to them. He
lightly pushed my mother away and tried to clean his face with
his shirt. "What's wrong?" I asked.

     My mother walked towards my father and Lionel stood still
for a couple of seconds. I watched as the tears began to fall
again. "She knows about us."

     "I didn't tell her, Lionel. I swear."

     "I know you didn't. She said she saw it the second we got
off the bus. Are we that obvious?"

     "I don't think so," I said as I reached for him. I hated
lying to him, but I knew he couldn't handle the truth.

     He jumped back and yelled, "Don't touch me!" drawing the
attention of a few other people in the terminal. He started
bouncing from side to side and then he suddenly stopped and spoke
again. "I can't be near you! I just can't! Not here!" He began
walking towards one of the exits.

     My mind was a little delayed in computing what he was
saying, so he got a nice head start before I realized I should be
chasing him. "Wait!" I screamed as I ran after him.

     He stopped and turned around. "Leave me alone! I will talk
to you when we get back to school."

     "Oh, so you're not going to talk to me on the bus ride
back?" I asked as I reached him.

     "You know what I mean," he said wiping the tears from his
face.

     "No, I don't!" I said. I dropped my gym bag, which was
starting to press in to my arm the wrong way. "Why don't you tell
me what you mean?" I whispered.

     "I can't do this here. I mean, us, here. I can't do that. So
please just stay away from me," he said in a low voice.

     "Are you breaking up with me?"

     "No. I just can't be with you while we're here."

     "But I thought we were going to hang out?"

     "How can we, when everyone is going to be able to see that
something is going on between us?"

     "But, I thought"

     "Well, you thought wrong" he said cutting me off.

     "We don't have to hang out with our friends, we can just
hang out with each other."

     "No."

     "Why didn't you tell me this before we got here?"

     "I wasn't sure myself and I had to see how it felt to be
here with you. I don't know how to act like you're just my
friend. At school, people accept our closeness because they think
I'm trying to kiss your ass because I hit you with the ball that
day, but here, it's different. These people know I don't kiss
anybody's ass and they'll see how I treat you and they'll know
something's going on."

     "You're being paranoid." I told him.

     "Your mother took one look at us and she knew immediately. I
don't want that thought to cross anyone else's mind."

     "My mother knows about me, of course she would jump to that
conclusion, but that doesn't mean other people will notice." I
took a breath and said, "We should talk about this."

     He smiled. "You always want to talk, but there's nothing to
talk about. I've told you everything I have to say, so relax,
we're still together and I'll see you when we get ready to board
the bus back to our place." Then he did something that melted my
heart. He lifted two of his fingers to his lips and kissed them,
then he looked around and when he realized no one was looking, he
put his fingers on my lips like a flash and then it was over. I
knew it was nothing, but to me it felt like everything. He was
afraid that he loved me too much to act like his old self around
me, at least that's what I heard.

     "Okay." I said. He pulled me in to a hug and squeezed me.

     "I'm going to miss you," he whispered. He let go of me and
turned to walk away. I grabbed his arm to stop him. "Let us drop
you off at home."

     He turned his head to look at me. "It's easier this way."

     I let go of him and he walked away. As he walked out the
door, I felt a hand on my shoulder. I glanced over and saw my
mother. "It's okay Sweetie, he'll come around." All the anger I
thought I should be feeling towards Lionel, was now directed
squarely at my mother.

     I moved away from her touch. "What did you say to him? You
chased him away!" I told her.

     "Don't be upset, baby, I just told him that I could tell he
really cared about you, then he fell apart and started crying.
You know how I am; I had to try to comfort him. I told him that
his secret was safe with me."

     "You scared him! He doesn't want people to know and you told
him that you could tell just by seeing us! How could you do
that?"

     "Honey, calm down. I wasn't trying to upset him." She put
her arm around me. "Now why don't you tell me what happened?"

     I wanted to be a brat, I wanted to pull away from her again,
but I needed her comfort, so I let her pull me close. "He doesn't
want to talk to me while we're here. He's afraid everyone will
see us together and know that something is going on."

     "Oh, baby, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. He'll come around," she
said. Her other arm came around to embrace me and I cried on her
shoulder. Twenty minutes back in town and already the drama had
begun.

     A voice whispered, "Would you stop that! You look like a
damn fairy!"

     My mother pulled away from me. "Don't talk to him like
that!" she yelled at my father.

     "It's bad enough he is what he is, but now he's got that boy
confused and he's standing here crying on your shoulder like a
fag. I can tolerate what he is, but I don't need him rubbing it
in my face." He grabbed my bag and then grabbed my arm. "Come on.
Let's go home." There were only a few people in the terminal, but
the way my father acted, you would have thought there were a lot
more. He kept his grasp on my arm until we reached the car. He
dropped my bag on the ground as he opened the car door. He
pressed the button to unlock the other doors and said, "Get in!"
I grabbed my bag and got in. My mother got into the passenger
seat.

     As we drove out the parking lot, I looked over to see Lionel
waiting at the local bus stop. We made eye contact and I smiled
at him. He smiled back and I knew we would work it out. My
parents had a huge fight on the way home. My mother was telling
my father that he shouldn't call me a fag or a fairy because it's
not nice, and my father was telling my mother that as long as I
am his son, he will call me whatever he damn well pleases. I
zoned them out by thinking about Lionel. I wanted to do something
special for him, so I decided I would take his Christmas present
to his house and drop it off personally. I realized that I had
never been inside his house. I always knocked on the door, or
blew my horn, and he would come out and we would go about our
business. I wondered what he was hiding behind that door. I never
thought about it before, because it didn't seem strange, but now,
knowing how messed up he was on the inside, I wondered if the
demon lived with him, and if he was afraid that by letting me in,
he would somehow let the demon out. We pulled in to my driveway
as I made the decision to try to get inside Lionel's house.

     That night was uneventful besides the talk I had with my
father in the kitchen around two in the morning. I couldn't
sleep, so I went to the kitchen to get some milk and cookies, and
my father came downstairs. He sat and talked for almost an hour.
He apologized for the way he reacted earlier and explained that
it was a shock for him to think about me with a boyfriend, but he
still shouldn't have called me those names. I accepted his
apology, as I always did. I went back to bed and tried to sleep,
but it still took me forever. I missed having Lionel cuddled up
against to me. I missed our beds at school. I missed our
blankets. I missed the warmth that I felt when he was near me. My
bed at home felt cold and empty and I felt alone.

     Christmas went by without a hitch. I gave my parents their
presents and they gave me some money and some clothes. I hadn't
spoken to Lionel in two days, and I was ready to try to see him
at his house. I knew I was risking him getting upset, but it was
worth it just to see him, because I felt physically ill not being
around him.

     I told my parents I was going to visit some friends, but I
think they knew exactly where I was going. I sat in my car in
front of Lionel's house for ten minutes before I worked up the
courage to get out. It felt strange to come to his house
unannounced because I always called when I was going to drop by.
I got out the car with his present, all beautifully wrapped, and
a card in my hand. I walked to the door and knocked.

     "Who is it?" asked a young sounding voice.

     "It's Lucas. I'm a friend of Lionel, um, I mean Jay." It was
always hard for me to call him Jay.

     I heard the door unlock and a little boy opened it. I looked
at him and he looked like a miniature Lionel. "Hello, is Jay
home?" The little boy shook his head `yes.'

     He walked in the house and sat down on the floor in front of
a television. I closed the door behind me. I stood there for a
minute, observing this room I had never seen before. There wasn't
much furniture. There were beer bottles all over the table and
something that looked like drug paraphernalia, but I wasn't sure
because I had never seen drug stuff anywhere other than on
television and the movies.

     "So, where is he?" I asked the little boy.

     "He's upstairs, but we can't bother him right now. You have
to wait until he comes back downstairs."

     "I'm sure he won't mind." I told him as I went to the stairs
and started walking up.

     "I wouldn't disturb them if I were you. You're going to get
in trouble." The little boy said from his seat on the floor.

     "I'll be okay," I told him as I continued up the stairs. My
heart was racing as I prepared myself to see Lionel and whoever
it was he was with up there.

     When I reached the top of the stairs, I heard a woman
moaning. "Oh, shit! Oh, Jay! Make me happy Jay! Yeah, that's it!"

     I should have turned around then, but I couldn't. I had to
see for myself what was going on in the room. I stood outside the
closed door and listened before I tried to twist the knob.

     "Oh, Jay, put it in baby! Put it in! I need it! Oooohh!
You're so big, baby! Just like your Daddy!"

     I couldn't listen anymore. I tried to turn the knob, and to
both my horror and my shock, the knob turned. I pushed the door
open and the scene before me made me wish I was blind. I dropped
the present. "That's just sick!" I shouted.

     Lionel looked over at me. His eyes were bloodshot and they
moved like they couldn't really focus on me. "Lucas?" he asked in
a childish voice. "How'd you get over there?" He looked down at
the woman below him. "You said you were Lucas," he said to her.
"You look like Lucas, but he looks like Lucas and he sounds like
Lucas, too." His words were slurred. He turned back to me.
"Lucas?"

     The woman turned his head back to her. "Ssh. I'm Lucas,
baby. I'm Lucas." She pulled him down in to a kiss. They
continued what they were doing as if I wasn't there.

     I tried to keep it in, but that sight pushed my stomach over
the edge. I started vomiting, mostly on top of the present. I
turned and ran out of there as quickly as I could. I flew out the
front door, slamming it shut behind me. I got in my car. I wiped
my lips and screamed. I started banging on the wheel, trying to
release some of the agony that I felt. I finally settled for
placing my head in my hands and sobbing until my body physically
couldn't make any more tears.

     Some secrets are better left as secrets.


c Lustyville 2006
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