Date: Wed, 2 May 2007 01:03:20 -0700 (PDT)
From: Lusty <lustyville@yahoo.com>
Subject: Lucas and Lionel-Part 25. Goodbye My Lover

   I couldn't bring myself to tell Michael or Troy or Henry
about what happened with Lionel. I briefly discussed Von's
existence with them and I let them believe that Von was the demon
that was haunting me. I didn't go to my classes the rest of the
week and I sent all of my teachers an email explaining that I had
over-exerted myself on my first day back and I needed a little
time to recuperate. My teachers were all understanding, even the
teachers I hadn't met seemed sympathetic of my situation. I
wondered if all of them knew that my crazy boyfriend accidentally
pushed me down a flight of stairs. It felt as if everyone knew.

     It was Friday night, I was sitting in Michael's bedroom,
depressed and angry because I kept remembering how it felt to be
in Lionel's arms again and I wanted to call him, but at the same
time I felt stupid for wanting to have anything to do with him. I
didn't want to be like Henry's aunt. I didn't want to die and I
didn't want to be smacked around. I didn't want to be insulted or
constantly accused of things I didn't do. Lionel couldn't give me
what I needed and he was incapable of having the type of
relationship I wanted, but my heart looked beyond all of his
faults and focused on how he made me feel. I needed Lionel to
want me and to still need to be with me.

     The best thing for both of us was for us to move on and
separate, but I wasn't sure how to do it. Having Troy around was
a good distraction and for a while I thought he could have been
something more but then I realized that I still wasn't over
Lionel. I said I was and I wished saying it made it true, but it
didn't. Lionel had his hooks in me so deep that just seeing him
changed everything inside of me and screwed up my circuitry until
all I could think about was him. I had to figure out what was
going on in my head and why I was making such horrible, ill-
advised decisions whenever Lionel was around. I needed to know
how I could still want to be with him given our history. There
had to be a reason.

     There I was, sitting on Michael's bed pretending to read a
book but really thinking about Lionel, when the bedroom door
swung open. I looked up and saw Troy. Seeing him brought a smile
to my face. "Hey Troy."

     "When were you going to tell me that you hooked up with
Lionel?"

     "What are you talking about?"

     "Von cornered me after practice. He said that you and Lionel
were together on Monday. He said you did it in your old room and
then Lionel walked you home."

     "It was a mistake."

     "So it's true?" I nodded. "Why would you do something like
that? I thought you were trying to move on. You can't move on if
you refuse to let him go."

     "Don't you think I know that? That's why I've been so
depressed. I don't want to be with him anymore, but when I'm
around him, I can't control how I feel. You don't know what it's
like to know that something is so bad for you, but still want it
anyway." I looked away.

     "But you were almost over him."

     "I know."

     "So what happened?"

     "I keep seeing him. I wish I could stop wanting to be with
him and I hate myself because I can't, but when I see him
everything is different."

     "Well hating yourself won't solve your problem but I know
what will."

     "What?"

     Troy walked over and sat next to me. "I know you hate to
hear this and I've been trying to stay out of your business with
Lionel, but the best thing for both of you is to stay away from
each other. I'm sure he doesn't want to hurt you and I'm sure he
feels horrible about the things he's done, but nothing he can say
or do will ever change what happened and I'm sure you miss your
friendship and you want to be near him and only think about the
good times, but you can't live like that. You can't pretend that
things are fine."

     "I don't pretend things are fine. He knows how I feel about
us. He knows I won't be with him like that again."

     "Does he? Hell, do you? You say one thing and do another.
You don't want to be with him like that, but you were anyway, and
why? Is he that good in bed?"

     "It has nothing to do with sex."

     "Then what is it about him that makes you want to be with
him even though he likes to hit you?"

     "I don't know. I wish I did."

     "Well you need to think about it. You guys are toxic
together and even you know that's true. He's not good enough for
you, but worse, he's not good for you." Troy kissed the side of
my head. "You're a good guy, but my god you're so stupid
sometimes. You can do better than Lionel." He laughed. "I mean
come on. You could have had me."

     I grinned and looked at him. "I did have you."

     "Once. You had me once, but you could have had me all the
time."

     I pushed him away. "Go cook dinner or something."

     He stood up. "Michael's cooking dinner, but I'll go bother
him since you want to be alone. You should go to your classes on
Monday. You can't hide from Lionel forever." He left the room and
closed the door.

     All I wanted to do was let Lionel go and move on with my
life but it seemed impossible. Troy was right. I had to get away
from Lionel. I couldn't walk around campus with the constant fear
of seeing him and the certainty of knowing that I was likely to
do something I would regret. I wished Lionel had never followed
me to college. Everything would have been different and most
likely better for both of us.

     I heard a commotion in the apartment and then I heard
something crash to the floor. My thoughts had to take a backseat
as I went out to see what was going on. I had visions of Troy and
Michael fighting, but I was way off. I walked out and saw Von hit
Troy in the face.

     "That's for pushing me!" Von yelled at him.

     I looked around and saw Michael walking back from the
kitchen with the phone in his hand, "I'm going to call the police
if you don't leave."

     "Call them! I came to talk to Lucas for a few minutes and
I'm not leaving until I talk to him."

     "What do you want with me?" I asked.

     Von noticed me for the first time since I entered the room.
"Lionel is fucked up and it's your fault. How could you do that
to him? How could you toy with his emotions like that? You know
what he's been through. You know how screwed up he is! I asked
you to call him. I didn't ask you to let him fuck you and then
disappear. Why won't you answer your phone when he calls?"

     "Wait, wait, I'm still stuck on the fuck you part," Michael
said. Michael looked at me. "You were with Lionel?" I shook my
head in affirmation. "Please tell me it wasn't here. Not in my
apartment, just not in my apartment. Tell me you didn't do it in
my apartment."

     "I didn't. It happened on campus, in our old dorm room. It
should have never happened."

     "But it did happen and now Lionel is a complete mess. Why
won't you talk to him?" Von asked.

     "It's only been four days! I needed some space. What's the
fucking problem? I told him right after it happened that we were
just friends." I was getting angry.

     "Oh hell no! I know you are not getting a fucking attitude
with me! Not after what you did to my brother. You got him all
twisted up and shit. He hasn't eaten anything since he saw you,
and that bitch Niqua has been sniffing around. That ho gave him
Chlamydia. He don't need her, but if you keep fucking with him,
he may end up fucking her. You can't just let that shit happen."

     "Why not? Lionel is just my friend. It's none of my business
who he does and does not fuck. I don't care, let Niqua have him.
It's probably for the best anyway."

     "For the best? You know his track record with her. How could
you say it's for the best?"

     "He needs to be with someone other than me. I'm not the
right person for him. I wish I was, but I'm not."

     "But you are. You made him better. He needs you in his
life."

     "But I don't need him in mine. You can't force me to be with
him."

     "If you ever loved him, I wouldn't have to force you because
you would be there for him. I know he did you wrong when you were
together but he is trying to change. He's changing everything
about himself just to make your little white ass happy. I'm not
asking you to love him again. I'm not asking you to let him fuck
you again. I just want you to talk to him and if you can't even
talk to him then I hope you rot in hell because you know how
Lionel is. You know he's going to do something dumb soon. If he
comes after you, don't say I didn't warn you, because I'm here
right now telling you that he's not doing well. Give him a week
and we'll see if he hasn't managed to get his hands on you by
then."

     "Is that a threat?"

     "No, it's a warning. You're driving him crazy. He's getting
upset and obsessive and I'm afraid of what he might do to himself
and to you if you don't talk to him soon. I mean best case
scenario is he fucks Niqua and moves on, but I have a feeling
it's bigger than that. If you keep toying with him, he's going to
bite back hard. He wanted to come here tonight but I told him I
would come instead. I came because I was afraid of what he was
going to do."

     "He was going to hurt me?"

     "It wouldn't be the first time, now would it?" Von asked
with malice in his voice.

     "Shut up Von!" Troy shouted.

     "Oh are you going to jump me like you did Lionel? He told me
all about you guys. You, Henry and Michael, a bunch of punks. You
didn't even face him man-to-man, but I'm standing here right now.
Take a swing, motherfucker! Come on, I dare you. Hit me! Come on,
hit me!"

     I walked in front of Von. "Calm down. You told me what you
needed to tell me, now leave." It took a few minutes but I
finally convinced Von to leave. I slammed the door and turned on
Michael and Troy. "You guys beat up Lionel?" I asked in
disbelief. Troy and Michael didn't say anything. Their faces
admitted their guilt. "I can't believe you guys."

     "He deserved it," Michael told me.

     "He deserves a lot of things, but that's not one of them," I
said.

     "He needed to know how it felt to be knocked around."

     "Michael what the fuck do you think is Lionel's problem?
He's been knocked around all his life that's why he was so
violent with me. My relationship with him has nothing to do with
either of you. If I take him back, that's on me."

     "You're not planning on taking him back are you?" Michael
asked.

     "And what if I am? The therapy seems to be helping him a
lot. He's not as violent as he used to be."

     "That's because we beat the hell out of him," Michael
screamed.

     I left the two of them in the living room and I went to the
bedroom to gather my thoughts. I took a nap and Henry came in and
woke me up so I could eat. The way he tried to baby me let me
know that Troy and Michael had filled him in on the day's events,
but he didn't ask me any questions, he just opened his mouth and
stated, "I'm sorry about what we did to Lionel."

     "You should be."

     I was unable to eat anything, so I sat at the table and
stared at my plate while I thought about Lionel being beaten by
my friends. I finally reached a point where I had to say
something, "What you guys did was wrong. I know why you did it,
but it was still wrong." I excused myself from the table and went
back to Michael's room to hibernate.

     I was a wreck on Monday morning. My stomach performed a
variety of gymnastic routines as I walked to campus with Michael
and Troy, who had not said much since I forgave them the night
before. We said goodbye and I promised to meet up with Michael
after my class.

     I went in class and was pleased not to see Von. The class
dragged on but I was grateful because the longer the class felt,
the more prepared I was to face the people on campus again. Class
ended and I walked out the door.

     My nose was ambushed by a foul smell. I turned my head in
the direction of the stench and saw Lionel. My body was instantly
paralyzed. The person coming out the door behind me bumped in to
me. Lionel grabbed my arm and jerked me to the side. "We need to
talk," he growled.

     "How did you know what room I was in?" I looked at him and
he was a mess. His condition reminded me of the bus ride back,
but he wasn't disheveled this time, he was drunk. He reeked of
alcohol and funk. I figured he started drinking Friday night and
didn't stop until he decided to come track me down. It was too
early in the morning to be drunk.

     "Von told me where to find you." He pulled my arm and led me
down the hallway towards the back staircase.

     "Let me go." I tried to get away but I couldn't because his
grip was too strong. "Where are you taking me?"

     "Away from them."

     "From who?"

     "From them. They're turning you against me and I won't have
it. I'm sick of playing nice with them. They have no right to
fill your head with all that nonsense. Why can't we be friends? I
gave up everything to be with you. I could have played ball for a
college that was ranked in the top five in the nation, but I gave
it up to be here and I'm not going to let you go. I just need to
get you away from them so you can see that they're bad for you.
They want you to hate me. We were great until they started
dipping in our business."

     Lionel sounded like someone who had slipped over the edge.
"You do realize you sound crazy don't you?"

     "Shut up."

     "What are you going to do, walk me through campus like
this?"

     "Yes and you're going to keep your mouth shut."

     "Why?"

      "Because you owe me that much."

     He walked me down the stairs. There were only a few students
using the backstairs and none of them paid us any attention. I
guess we looked like we were playing around. I should have
screamed for help but I didn't. I let Lionel lead me down the
stairs and outside. We must have walked past a hundred people on
our way to our old dorm room and I never cried out for help. His
grip on my arm was tight, but he wasn't stopping me from
speaking. I had to admit to myself that I wanted him to take me
away. I wanted to be alone with him because being alone with him
excited me. It was always a little scary and I was always on
edge, but something about the way it made me feel and the rush of
not knowing what he might do from one second to the next,
something about that was indescribably appealing. Every nerve in
my body was charged when he was around and when he was close to
me there was so much going on inside of me, so many emotions
pulling me in different directions, that I thought I could
spontaneously combust and burn for days. I hated and loved him at
the same time.

     I wondered what he was planning as he opened the room door.
"I bet they'll never think to look for us here," I said, hoping
to get a rise out of him.

     He shoved me in to the room. "Shut up."

     "Or what?" He closed the door and grabbed me from behind. He
didn't hit me and that impressed me because it meant he was
really changing.

     He led me towards my bed while he kissed the back of my
neck. "I waited for you," he whispered. "I waited for you to get
out of the hospital and come back to me and when you didn't, I
came to you. I came to you and you rejected me and I let you. I
wanted to give you your space but it was eating me up inside that
you wouldn't even let me be your friend. It was hell while you
were in the hospital, but even that can't compare to this." His
hand grabbed the back of my head and forced me to look at the
bed. I closed my eyes. "Open your eyes and look at it! Look at it
dammit!" I opened my eyes and saw our old room, still empty and
void of all traces of us, besides the stain on my mattress, which
was gross. Lionel guided me to my knees. He pushed my face so
close to the stain that I felt cross eyed as I looked at the
spot. "Is that all I mean to you now? Just sex?"

     "I'm sorry. It was a mistake. It shouldn't have happened."

     "You're just like her!" he shouted. "You're just like her!"

     The hairs on the back of my neck stood up. I had spent a
week agonizing over having sex with him, but I never thought
about how it might have affected him. Von tried to tell me but I
was more concerned with my own safety. I knew Lionel's past. How
could I do that to him? How could I have sex with him and toss
him aside like he was nothing? What happened was wrong. I should
have been stronger. I could have made enough noise for someone to
notice and come see what was going on, but I let Lionel keep me
in the room. I was as guilty as he was. I knew what he wanted
from me and I played my part and let him be the aggressor.

     I wasn't like her though. She loved a part of him, but I
loved all of him. Everything clicked in to place and I realized
how true my thoughts were. I loved all of him and that's why I
couldn't completely let him go. I wanted to fix him. I had to let
Lionel know that I wasn't just using him. "I'm sorry. I wasn't
trying to use you. You're more to me than sex. You know that. You
have to know that! I'm not like her. I love you."

     I expected him to go on a tirade about how I couldn't love
him because if I did I would be with him, but he didn't. In a
very quiet voice he asked, "After everything I've done, how can
you still love me?"

     "I know who you really are." I felt him move from behind me
and I turned to my right and saw him beside me. I looked him
square in his eyes and said, "I know who you really are and I
have hope that you'll find that person again. This isn't you
Lionel. I don't know who it is. I don't know if it's your father
or if it's her, but I know it's not you."

     "Don't you get it? I am them. They made me."

     "You don't have to be them. You're better than that."

     I saw the tears creep in to his eyes. "What if I'm not?"

     "I know you are."

     "I hurt you," he commented.

     "I know."

     "I'm sorry."

     "I know." I wanted to add, `you always are,' but the time
was wrong for smart comments.

     The tears in his eyes began to escape and slide down his
face. "I'm scared."

     "Of what?"

     "That I'll always be like this."

     I put my arms around him. "You're going to finish getting
help and you'll be fine. I know you will. And you want to know
something else?"

     "What?"

     "When you finish getting help I'll be here waiting for you,
as your friend."

     "You will?"

     "I promise I will, but you have to get help and you have to
finish your program and stop drinking. I can't be friends with
you if you stay like this and if you ever hit me, I'll be done
with you forever."

     "I'll do whatever you want me to do, but you're going to
have to help me. I can't do it without you."

     "You can call me and we can talk on the phone. Other than
that I don't think we should have much contact with each other
until you get the help you need. I'm going to get some help too."

     "For what? There's nothing wrong with you."

     "Yes there is. I should have never let you treat me the way
you did and I need help pinpointing why I can't let you go
because it's not normal. If we're going to promise to try to
salvage something between us, we both need to be healthy so we
don't fall in to the same routine."

     I could tell by the way his eyes were watching my lips that
he wasn't really listening to me anymore. "Can I kiss you
goodbye?" he asked.

     "I don't think that's a good idea."

     "Just a little kiss."

     I gave him a quick peck on his cheek then I stood up and
backed towards the door. "I need to leave now, but you call me if
you need to talk, okay?"

     "Okay." I had the door open when I heard him say my name,
"Lucas."

     I looked at him, "Yes."

     "Do you think we'll ever be more than friends again?"

     I smiled. "Who knows?" I closed the door and left him alone
in the room and on his knees. I walked out the building and took
about three steps before someone shouted, "Lucas!"

     I spotted Michael running towards me. "Where the hell have
you been? I was looking all over for you."

     "And you didn't think to check my old dorm room?"

     "I figured you wouldn't go there after what happened with
you and Lionel last week."

     "Well you were wrong."

     "Why didn't you wait for me? I would have walked over here
with you?"

     "I needed to do this on my own."

     "Do what?"

     "Figure out who I am to Lionel and who he is to me."

     "And?"

     "I figured out that he was as mean to me as I let him be and
I have to take some responsibility for what happened between us.
The first time was completely his fault, but I knew what to
expect the other times and I didn't leave. I can't blame him for
all of it when I know part of it was me. I was supposed to be
Lionel's savior. He wanted me to save him from himself and I let
him down, but I get it now and I'm ready to help him the best way
I can."

     "And how's that?"

     "By supporting him and giving him some space to get
professional help because I can't fix him. Nobody can fix him. He
can get better though. And as far as who he is to me, I think
that's still a work in progress."

           -The End-


C Lustyville 2007

Please send comments to lustyville@yahoo.com and check out my

other stories at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/lustyville



             Epilogue

    It has taken me weeks to realize that the story needs to end here. I
received a long email from a fan who wanted a happy ending and I have
received several emails from fans who are adamantly opposed to a Lucas and
Lionel reconciliation. My first instinct was to continue the story beyond
the original ending but I understand why the ending felt right the first
time and I fear that continuing the story will only lead to a contrived
ending that does not do either character justice.
         Yes their relationship is complex and confusing and most people
have picked sides but who is to say which side is right? I began the story
with my mind made up that Lucas and Lionel were not going to end up
together because Lionel's behavior was unforgivable, but the more emails I
received, the more I understood that it's not that simple. Even the
seemingly unforgivable has the potential to be forgiven. No matter how
Lucas and Lionel ends there will always be lingering questions and
differing opinions.
         I had the original ending because I didn't want to tell people
what decisions to make and I'm going to stick with that ending because it
seems the most appropriate. If you want Lucas and Lionel to be together and
have a happy ending then make it so and if you want Lucas and Lionel far
away from each other, you can have that too.
        PERSONAL PLEA: If you or someone you know is involved in an abusive
relationship, please seek professional help.