Date: Tue, 5 Nov 2013 22:01:40 -0500
From: Lucas Brimstone <lbrimstone00@gmail.com>
Subject: Never-23

DISCLAIMER: This story is based in truth.  Some events/persons have been
altered for the purpose of the story.  There may be scenes of unsafe
practices which are not endorsed by this author.  All other usual warnings
and precautions should be considered here.  Feel free to write with any
comments, corrections, etc.  Think of this as a Gedankenexperiment.  And
remember to donate to Nifty to support all of these great stories.

I started becoming slightly tenser as the next two months whisked past.
Work increased in intensity and volume with finals just around the corner.
The added stress was becoming more apparent to those around me.  But the
one thing that really had my nerves wracked was the fact that Cole would be
visiting for a few days at the end of finals week.


It hit me one afternoon while I was studying that soon I might have to
break things off with Charlie.  There was always the option of staying with
him.  Nothing was stopping me from telling Cole that I had moved on.  Then
again, I still wasn't sure if I had moved on.  It was true that I had sex
with my fair share of guys that semester and Chuck was great, but did I
still love Cole?


That question lingered in my mind for weeks, and the more I thought about
it, the less sure I became.  Being with Charlie also made me less sure of
my feelings for Cole.  I couldn't really think of anything definitive which
would lead me one way or the other.  Sure, I probably wasn't the best
influence for Charlie and I had gone behind his back.  Since then though,
nothing had ever crossed my mind except for how appreciative I was to have
him as my boyfriend.


Some part of me was still rooting for Cole.  A piece of my essence belonged
to him.  He was there for me in a difficult time of my life.  There was so
much we had in common; Cole just understood me on a level no one else had
before.  Our relationship served as my gateway into a world I never thought
I would explore, but was glad I had.  We hadn't been together for five
months, yet I still remembered him as if he had only left for a day.


Another part of me wondered if I should just move on.  In fact it was a
large part of me.  Sure he was the first person I loved, but it seemed like
not everyone ended up with the first person they fell for.  I had learned
so much in the time he had been gone, and now I was involved with someone
who genuinely cared for me.  What if Cole had changed?


My biggest fear was that I would no longer love Cole because he was no
longer the person I remembered.  People can change when they live apart;
especially abroad.  At the same time I thought it was selfish to want Cole
to return exactly as how he had left.  There was only one way for sure I
could make my decision, and that was to wait until Cole got back.


My last few weeks at school boiled down to three pivotal days.

Day 1

I had resolved to tell Charlie about my current situation.  It was only
fair that he knew, even if it meant we would no longer be together.  In the
back of my mind I was aware of how difficult this would be, but I refused
to acknowledge it.  Of course, I had no idea what I was going to say.


The weather had warmed up considerably since March.  Everyone was out
enjoying the sunshine despite the pressure to study for finals.  A few
hours outside couldn't hamper anyone's chances that considerably.
Personally, I never really understood the desire to sit out and do nothing
or lay on a roof.  That didn't mean that I wasn't in favor of the
occasional study break.  Most of my finals were situated in the middle of
the scheduled times and I had already planned out all of my study sessions
accordingly.  I liked to work most seriously during the afternoon.


Charlie came over at around three.  I was working on a few practice
problems for one of my math finals.  All but one of my finals, psychology,
were in math classes.  My speakers were pulsing with the Sleigh Bells album
"Treats", granted it wasn't the best album to maintain my concentration,
but it worked.  The door to my room was open and I didn't hear Charlie walk
up behind me with Derek Edward Miller's smashing guitars in "Tell `Em".  He
kissed my neck and I jolted back.  It was like making a sandwich in zero
gravity and then suddenly everything kicks back on and all of the layers
smash together.  There was no way for me to have anticipated him being
there; he hadn't even texted me to let me know he was coming.


"Fucking hell, Chuck," I got up and hugged him, it seemed like the right
thing to do.


"Sorry, sorry, I didn't mean to scare you," he held me.


"It's fine.  I just, wasn't expecting you.  I was studying," I stepped back
and paused the music on my laptop.


"Well maybe you want to spend some time outside, it's so nice out," the
warm weather was a source of excitement for Charlie.


"I guess I could take a break," he smiled and my fate was sealed.


Not to sound shallow, but one of the perks of the nice weather was the way
Charlie dressed.  I imagine he would have preferred to go shirtless most
days, but usually he wore a tank or t-shirt with a pair of chino shorts
that seemed only a little tight.  He had also taken my advice from a few
months prior and started letting his facial hair grow in.  There was never
a point where he reached full beard status, typically it was most stubble,
around a two or three on a standard trimmer.  Admittedly I found him really
hot, slightly sweaty from the walk over in the sun but smiling all the
same.


After closing my laptop lid and securing my study notes in a neat pile, we
headed outside into the radiance of the almost-summer sun.  I was wearing a
t-shirt and jeans which in retrospect was a poor choice given the weather.
A conservative estimate would put the temperature somewhere around
seventy-eight degrees.  But it wasn't the temperature that had me
preoccupied.  I knew that now would be as good a time as any.  We sat down
in the grass a few feet in front of my building and stared out at the
parking lot.  He put his arm around my waist.


"Hey," I started.


"Hey," Charlie replied and squeezed me closer.


"Thanks," I kissed his neck, "There's something I need to tell you."


"Sure, anything."


"Well it's kind of complicated, I only ask that you withhold any outright
anger to the end."


"Ok, one of, those sorts of things I guess."


"Don't deck me."


"I won't, just go ahead."


"Alright so last semester I had a boyfriend.  You probably don't know him,
Cole, he's studying abroad this semester in London.  But, you don't care
about that part.  Well, the thing is, he's coming back here in a few
days. I guess, the thing is, I can't be entirely sure if I'm over him.
Maybe if I saw him again once more, I'd know.  It's really hard, because I
love you too. A lot," I couldn't help myself from tearing up.


"At least you said something Lucas.  Yeah, that news kinda sucks, but
things happen I guess," I could tell he was upset too.  The sun beat down
with all its warmth, but my heart still felt cold.


"I don't want to do this to you Charlie.  But, would it be fair if I still
loved him?  Would it be worse?"


"Worse.  My last break-up was bad, he fell out of love with me.  I know how
this feels.  I hate how this feels."


"Chuck, please don't say that, don't--" I really started crying.  I hated
how my shirt fit and how the tag itched at my neck.


"Lucas, don't cry.  I didn't say that's how I feel now.  I know you love
me, and I love you.  Deep down I think you know that you don't love him
anymore, and you need to accept that.  For both of us, just accept that."


We sat without saying anything for a while.  I cried for a few more minutes
and tried to comprehend what was happening.  Chuck didn't hate me, at least
not yet.  But, there was still that chance that some shred of love within
me still burned for Cole.  If that was true, then I couldn't be with
Charlie.  But wouldn't that mean I couldn't be with Cole either?


Chuck got up, messed with my hair a little, and then left.  The silence
surrounded me.  It was foolhardy of him to invest so much faith in me.  I
wiped some tears and sweat off of my face with the back of my wrist.  There
wasn't much time between this moment and the inevitable moment when I would
see Cole again.  Time has no mercy and doesn't pity the weak.  I steeled my
nerves, got up, and headed back inside to study more math problems.


Day 2


A few days' time and two finals passed by before the day arrived when Cole
returned to school.  That morning I awoke with a jolt and couldn't shake
the feeling that my heart would beat right out of my chest.  All of my
attempts to calm down or study were futile.  Sure, it was dramatic and
slightly blown out of proportion, but I had never been in this sort of
scenario before. When had I ever sat down and contemplated what it might
feel like to have to choose between two people?  I hadn't even thought I
was gay, let alone that I might love two guys at once.


There was no amount of preparation which could have instilled any
confidence or idea of what was to come in me.  Letting someone go isn't so
much about the words exchanged, it's about the emotions.  Those subtle
changes in facial expressions, that one uttered phrase that haunts you on
your way to work three years later.  These are the moments that clench your
soul, right alongside the moments of that same person which make you smile.
Relationships can't be undone and that wouldn't be the same if it was only
the good parts.


He came over that afternoon.  It was raining outside.  The contrast between
my day with Cole and the one with Chuck were so perfect it was almost as if
someone planned them.  A downpour wasn't in the forecast that day and so he
was markedly damp and a few wet strands of hair clung to his forehead.


For the most part Cole appeared just the same as when he had left.  His
hair was a bit longer, most likely for lack of getting a haircut in London.
Not much else had really changed about him physically.  I remember starting
up a discussion with him about his whole experience and how I kept thinking
how he just wasn't the same.  There was something that didn't feel right.
My mind flashed back to those moments we had shared; the ones that were
perfect, the delicate ones, the breakdowns and the make-ups.  Everything I
wanted to still be there resting within the person sitting right across
from me, all of it, was lost.


I remember putting my hand on his shoulder and stopping him abruptly.  We
looked right into each other's eyes.  He smiled lightly.  A drop of water
hung to the edge of his glasses.  Then his smile faded.


"This isn't going to work, is it?" he asked.  I had to stay strong.  All
the events of the last semester rushed through me.  That river of
experiences crashed down through the channels of time up to this point.


"Cole, I did what you told me to do at the end of last semester," this
wasn't my fault, we'd just moved on.


"That's good.  I guess you met someone then?" I nodded.  We sat still for a
few moments, my hand fell off his shoulder and returned to rest on my
thigh.  I watched him as he broke in front of me.


He sniffled and wiped a few fingers under one of his lenses.  I knew that
this might be more difficult than it seemed to be for me.  Cole didn't have
anyone here, at least I had Charlie.  Someone I could depend on, someone
who believed in me and would deck another person for looking at me funny.
I don't think Cole could have been that guy for me, and I needed him to be.


"Are you, OK?" it was a stupid question for me to ask.  Of course he wasn't
fine or good or anything remotely close to that.


"There's just one thing I need to confess, before I leave you to the rest
of your life," he took a deep breath and regained some of his composure.
"That time when you came over to my apartment, you know, that time.  There
was something that happened before-hand.  I cheated on you.  I slept with
Steve."


"You--" I couldn't even finish the thought.  My voice was caught in my
throat and I started sobbing.  It hurt so much that he would never know
just how similar we really were.


"I'm sorry, it was stupid and thoughtless.  But now, what does it even
matter," he got up from the couch.


"Can't we still be friends?" I asked.


"It hurts too much," and then he left.


Day 3


My finals were a thing of the past.  An immediately distant memory.  I
still didn't know what my grades would end up being for all of my classes,
but I was confident that I did well.  The real secret to crushing an exam
is to go into that exam knowing you will crush it.  Sit down in front of
that paper and just own it like Carnegie during the steel boom.  It felt
great to put all of that school work out of my mind.


Charlie was also done with his tests.  He had finished the day prior but
wasn't going to be moving to go back home until tomorrow, same day as me.
I welcomed the gleam of the sun as I walked back to my apartment.  Sure, I
was still upset over what happened with Cole and there were sporadic
episodes where I felt a sharp pain in my heart.  But that was to be
expected.  As much as I wanted to sob over a part of my life that was now
lost to me, I couldn't.  Instead, I recalled the best memory I shared with
Cole and resolved to remember that every time I missed him.  He would have
liked it to be that way.  On my way back I stopped by Charlie's dorm to
gather him for some time together.  He still didn't know what happened
between Cole and me.


I waited outside of his building for someone to scan their ID and open the
lock.  Students who lived off-campus couldn't access any of the dorms.
Eventually I made my way in and up to Chuck's room.  I knocked and waited.
I knocked again and finally heard some movement before the door opened.
Charlie was just in his boxers and it was dark inside.


"Have you just been sleeping all day?" I asked before stepping inside.  He
gave me a kiss and definitely smelled like he had just woken up.  That warm
and innocent scent of dreaming.


"Yeah, I guess I'd never done it in a long time.  Done with tests?" Charlie
asked.


"Yup.  Just finished.  Where's your roommate?" I closed the door and the
room darkened significantly.  Charlie stumbled over to the window and
opened the curtains to light the room once again.


"He went home yesterday.  Goodbye forever I guess," he replied.


"You're not living with him again next year?" I was surprised.


"Actually--" he started but I cut him off.


"I think this would be a good time to discuss what our `plans' might be.
You know, one of those obligatory serious talks," I sat down on his bed.
He sat down next to me.  "Item one, you're still my boyfriend and I love
you."


"That's good.  I knew you'd come to realize you've moved on," he kissed me
again.


"It was sad, but I really have moved on.  I guess item two is summer
things.  I got an apartment in the city for June through August, and the
rent isn't so bad.  Plus I'm getting paid.  Feel free to visit whenever you
like for however long you can sustain," I told him.


"Slick, I'll definitely come to visit.  We can do all sorts of stuff,
that's great news.  Is there an item three?" he asked and I nodded.


"Item three.  Next year I am going to be living in a house with Kyle and
Lex.  However, the house is really made to be occupied by four people.
Oddly enough we are still looking for someone to occupy that fourth room.
Would you want to live with us?" I couldn't help but smile when I saw the
expression on his face. Most of the time he was like a vision of
masculinity, but there were moments when Charlie was nothing more than a
gleeful preschooler.


"Of course, yes I will move in with you," we kissed for a third time, this
one was longer than the other three.  He pulled away and we just sat
smiling at each other.


"Time for you to get dressed," I hopped up from his bed.


As I watched him get dressed and ready to set out on our last day of the
year I couldn't help but reflect on what a whirlwind everything had been.
My junior year was an incredible experience.  I must have crushed my own
spirit three times and had even more mental meltdowns.  But I also reached
my highest states of euphoria and serenity.  I learned how to be carefree,
how to be human, and what it felt like to love someone.  I made new
friends, and I probably made some enemies.  Most importantly though was
that I finally started living my life.


"You ready?" Charlie asked as he slid into his jeans.

"Yeah.  I'm for sure ready," I stopped him before he could button his
pants.

Dump your thoughts at lbrimstone00@gmail.com.  This isn't over yet, don't
worry.