Date: Tue, 31 Jan 2006 22:37:51 -0400
From: JT Ogden <curldude@hotmail.com>
Subject: NEW- Chapter 4 Gay College Section

New-Chapter 4

INSERT TYPICAL DISCLAIMER HERE!

	So the bus ride off the Island was quite different compared to the bus ride
that I took to the island. For one thing, I legitimately felt rested. I
mean, with all the sleep that I got at Hugh's, I should. However, with the
lack of sleep, came more time to think about what was coming up in front of
me.
	The bus ride didn't seem that long, but thinking can sure pass time
quickly. I pulled out my journal and just started writing. Maybe the first
experience didn't work, but I need to sort out what's in my head.

	"First, I thought about what I was going to say to Will, but that really
wasn't going very well. I pretty much got, "Hey Will, I am back..."and that's
where it ended. More than likely he'll be very pissed at me. I mean, I just
ran away, didn't tell him where I was going or anything? Oh man, he probably
called my parent's home and when they told him I wasn't there or hadn't
heard from me, then they'll be worried.
	Wait, why am I worrying about Will being pissed? I was still pissed at him.
Maybe pissed is not the right word, disappointed is better. I laid my heart
open to him, and he crushed it. Well, he really didn't crush it, or I am not
sure, maybe he did. I really didn't let him explain. Heck, He's straight and
was just figuring out the right way to tell me. That makes sense. Kinda
confused why he was screwing around with Michelle, but hey, to each his own.
	Here's the part I am having difficulties. I still have massive feelings for
Will. He knows about them. This fucking sucks! I am not ready to have myself
outted. Wait, Will wouldn't do that to me. However, I still have no idea how
I can be just friends with him.
	Man, I think I love him. It's not just that he is good looking, he is an
awesome person inside, and I haven't felt like this to anyone before. I feel
he is the one for me. Man this hurts. This fucking hurts! (I then start
shedding a few tears). Why does this fucking have to hurt so much.  No, I
know I love him. SO what does that mean?
	Either (a) I avoid him like the plague. Or (b) just be his friend. Do I cut
him out of my life, or do I try to move on with these intense feelings and
take any relationship I can have with him. Both options suck! They really
really do..."

	By the time, I actually got that down; I had arrived back to the Campus bus
station. It was dark, so instead of walking back, I hailed a cab and got a
ride back to my dorm. Wasn't sure what was going to happen when I got back,
but knew that prolonging it wasn't going to help me any and I was just ready
to resolve something one way or another.
	As I was getting closer and closer to Trudeau Hall, the fear and panic was
increasing immensely. Was I strong enough to deal with the rejection that
was for sure in my mind coming to me? Would Will even talk to me? Would I be
able to deal with him? For one thing, if there is something I hate in this
world, it is the unknown. It means that I have to give up control and let
other forces come into play in a given situation. In those situations, I am
always petrified, because I can not control the outcome.
	As I arrived at Trudeau Hall, the panic button inside my head was really
sounded quite loudly. "DANGER! DANGER!" But I knew I could not avoid this
situation. I walked through the front doors, walk down my hall and arrive to
my door. I took a really big breathe, unlocked my door and walked into a
situation that I wasn't really ready for, but went in anyway...

	Now you would think, with all that lead up that Will would be sitting there
and we would have the conversation that I was building up upon. However,
something kinda happened, which prohibited that.

	"Hey Will, I am back!" as I walked through the door. I got three steps in
and saw on my floor was Will and some girl. This time it wasn't Michelle. Oh
my god! What the Fuck, it was her roommate Jane. Then I looked around and
saw that they were not dressed as I noticed the clothes anywhere, that the
room just reeked of sex and that my Mattress and his mattress was put on the
floor and that they were screwing on my bed.
	JT looked at me and the look he gave me was one of horror. "FUCK!" That was
all that needed to be said. He knew it, and I was too hurt, pissed, or
something along those lines to make him elaborate. The worst part was that I
stood there in shock, like a deer caught in headlights and did not move.
	"JT, what are you doing back? I thought you were gone until tomorrow." Not
an apology or a voice of concern or anything. Then the rage became the
predominant emotion.
	"I'm sorry Will. I am the one at fault here. I left, so that meant you
could fuck some chick on MY BED! Yeah, I am the real bastard here. I am the
fucking one that hurt your feelings." I was really getting mad. I was
starting to loose control and get really loud.
	"Calm down, JT. I am so Sorry I mean..." I cut him off.
	"Now you're sorry. Do you know what type of personal hell I have been
through? I open myself up to you, and you have the nerve to try and fucking
apologize. I should of Let Michelle's boyfriend beat you up. FUCK!!!!"
	"Why didn't you? I mean I deserved it. I mean man. Then you left me,
without saying where you are going. By the way your parents are now probably
worried about you." As the discussion was become more intense, I don't think
either of us realized that Jane had left the room.
	"Then JT, you come back and you go all postal on me."
	"You fucking hurt me Will! This reminds me all about last semester man. I
am so mad I could hit you. I really want to! Man! AAAAAAAHHHH!!
	"Come on, do it. If it will make you feel better, giv'er! You are my best
friend, and I need you to open up to me. I know it's weird to say, but in
this short time it's true. However, you keep yourself so fucking closed to
me. You don't let anyone in, especially in. Then when I get a little in, you
run away."
	"I ran away because I opened up a little bit and you ran to fuck Michelle.
"
	"Not one of my best moments, but I am sorry."
	"Then I come back and find you fucking some other tramp on my bed. How do
you think I should react to you?"
	"I would be hitting you right now, but see it's so fucked up for me right
now."
	"WAAAAH! This is such a piece of cake of me. (Gotta love the sarcasm)"
	"You don't understand JT."
	"Oh I understand, I just don't know how I can get through this."
	"But JT. I said I was sorry, what more do you want from me?"
	"I want you to love me the way I love you!" There I said it. It was out
there. It slipped out. Will was speechless; I was scared and saw several
people out in the hall watching our fight. Fuck! Not fucking again. I just
fucking outted myself again. You guys all know what happens when I panic, or
at least you should be beginning to figure this out. I bolted.
	I had no where to run. I mean, most of my friends were also friends with
Will, so that was out of the question. It was a semi-warm evening for a
January in Atlantic Canada, so I decided that I would just walk around the
campus and surrounding town.
	I just kept walking, and walking and walking. I had no real destination,
but knew any place was better than the dorms. I must have walked for hours,
before I looked at the clock and noticed it after midnight. I really didn't
do much thinking while I was walking. I was numb, void of feeling, more like
a denial of what was really going around. I don't think I could make any
sense of it at the time, but knew that I wasn't sure what was going to
happen.
	Then walking through this park in the middle of city, I heard my name being
called in the background. "JT Stop!" I wasn't sure, where it was coming from
or who was saying it, as I was confused at everything at the time. A light
dusting of snow had begun to fall when I heard it again. "JT! JT!" It was
getting louder and louder, but I still couldn't figure out where it was
coming from, or who it was. I started to think that I was going crazy, and
the voices were in my head, until I felt a hand touch my shoulder.
	It was a strong hand, but grasped my shoulder very gently. I turned around
to look who it was, and stood there as I examined who it was. I stood there
and looked into this gorgeous man's beautiful blue eyes. I could stare at
those eyes for ever. I remember thinking that I should be mad, and angry and
throw a fit, but there was something different about the look in Will's eyes
that seemed to melt me. There was something different about it. Maybe it was
the dim street light or something, but I could feel the hurt in his eyes.
	"How'd you find me Will?"
	"Luck I guess, when you left the dorm, I sort of got dressed and tried to
find you. I have been looking for you all this time. Then when I was about
to give up my search and go back to the room, something in this park caught
my eye and when I looked closely I noticed your bright orange parka, and
knew it was you."
	"You found me, but Will where does that leave us? I mean, I think I stated
clearly how I feel about you, and now I am stuck with these feeling that..."
	"What feelings are you talking about JT?"
	"You know damn well, what I am talking about'"
	"What feelings are you talking about JT?"
	"Please don't make me do this Will?"
	"What feelings are you talking about JT?"
	"That I love you."

	Then out of nowhere, before I could even catch my breath from my response,
Will had leant over and put his lips onto mine. It was a quick kiss that
left me confused, but wanting more.
	"What was that Will?"
	"I know I may be spending mixed signals JT, but I am scared, all I know is
that I feel something that I have never felt with anyone before. It scares
me, but losing you scares me more."
	With that, we leant in and share a very passionate kiss.

More to Come! Sorry, if this is a little jumbled, but remembering all the
emotions that went behind this one was hard to put down on paper.

Feedback always appreciated. Thanks all for your positive words.

JT