Date: Thu, 8 Aug 2002 21:30:10 -0400
From: Sequoyah <sequoyah@charter.net>
Subject: OF-20

		   ASP--The Oberlin Five--Chapter Twenty

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				 Comments

This chapter is one of three in the editing process when The Concord Five
went into hiatus. When these have been posted, The Oberlin Five will also
enter a haitus of indefinite length.

A note is always appreciated: sequoyah@charter.net. Also check out the
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ASP--The Oberlin Five--Chapter Twenty--Luke

Eugene and Larry took Marc and Keith with them, and the Greywolfs went with
Matt and me in Matt's Jeep. I knew Matt was too excited to drive, so I just
got in on the driver's side. As I did I thought to myself, "And you're the
stable one here?". I was really aching inside thinking about how much Matt
deserved to celebrate and we were about to break his heart. I would have
suggested we put it off longer, but I knew we had been lucky that Matt
hadn't suspected anything yet, and that if we did keep it from him any
longer he would have our heads. In a very special way we all thought of
Paula as our sister--well, I was sure Kent thought of her as much more than
a sister! I had realized in the horrors of the previous night that, of all
the Concord crew, Matt was most attached to her. She was the sister he
always wanted and never had.

Those thoughts were running through my head when Matt turned around--he had
been looking back, talking to his parents--and asked, "Luke, how did you
keep all this a secret? You know I could never have kept the lid on".

"It was easy. It was as big a surprise to me as to you," I said. Which was
true, I had no idea the Concord crew would come up. "You know I couldn't
have kept these people coming secret."

"And, just think, we ran into a classmate of Millie's at Sunday dinner."
Matt told his parents what had happened and when he finished, laughed and
said, "You know, Luke, I'd hate to be Mrs. Barrington's little boy. I bet
she uses her cane on him." The image was funny and we both laughed.

We pulled into the drive right behind the others. Fr. Manville's car was
already in the drive. We went inside and, as we did, Matt said,
"Celebration time!".

When his dad said, "Not just yet," his face fell immediately and all the
concern, tension and pain we had been holding in came rushing out.

I wrapped Matt in my arms and said, through tears I could no longer
control, "Matt, there is bad news. Let's go to the library."

When we got to the library and were finding places to sit, Matt suddenly
got a stricken look on his face and said, "It's Paula. What's happened to
Paula? Tell me!"

"Matt, it is Paula and Kent. They are out of danger so you can calm down--a
bit anyway," Larry said.

I sat down and pulled Matt beside me, held him close him and stroked his
hair as Larry said, "Matt, I will not kid you, it was bad and there will be
repercussions, I'm sure, but right now Kent and Paula are out of danger and
in excellent hands. We had to keep what happened a secret until your
recital was over. You could have done nothing had you known and, had you
known, today would have been impossible."

We let Larry carry the ball, and he did a good job telling Matt what
happened without any unnecessary details. While Larry spoke, Matt was
crying uncontrollably one minute and shaking with rage the next. When he
could sit still no longer, he got up and paced the room, enraged, until he
collapsed on the floor in tears. Finally, he looked up and said, "I should
have been told! You should have told me!"

Dealing with this was not Larry's chore, but mine. I got up, went over to
Matt, knelt beside him and pulled him to me and held him very, very
close. "Matt, you gave a goodly number of people great pleasure today. You
made family and friends very proud to be your family and friends. Nothing
can take that away. You are right, this was a time to celebrate, but you
can't and neither can we--not because you aren't a magnificent human being
and a damn good organist, one of the best. You can't celebrate nor can we,
because Paula and Kent cannot celebrate with us and we share their
pain. But we will celebrate because good will overcome evil--maybe not
today, but it will. Our world has witnessed great evil and great
goodness. It is up to us to make sure that the goodness and love we have
for Kent and Paula enable them to join us in a great celebration one day,
we hope soon."

Matt was clinging to me sobbing softly when I finished. I held him as he
gradually stopped sobbing and, when he did, he wrapped his arms around me
and placed his lips against mine in a wonderful long, soft kiss. When he
broke the kiss he said, "Luke, you are my beloved treasure," and kissed me
again. We got up from the floor and went back to the sofa where we had been
before and sat down. As we did, the phone rang and Eugene answered it.

He said very little and when he hung up, he had a strange look on his
face. "That was James from the frat house where we played last
night. Shapiro has been found. The police apparently had searched
everywhere they thought he might be, except his dorm room. When his
suitemate came back from an all-night party at Baldwin-Wallace he found
Shapiro in the shower, water running, with his wrists slit. There was a
suicide note. He wrote he knew the jig was up with his rape of Paula,
because he didn't use a condom and she had gained partial consciousness
during the act. There'd be no way he could deny he was the rapist. He
confessed to six other rapes and said he knew he would do it again as soon
as he had a chance. James said he wrote that he simply couldn't stop
himself any way other than by suicide, and, 'I hope all my victims
eventually pick up their lives and especially Paula. I did love her'."

"It is all very sad and you wish it hadn't happened," said Eugene. "I even
feel sorry for Shapiro and his rotten life, but that doesn't compare with
the anger I feel toward him."

I guess we all felt the same way. After things had settled down a bit, Matt
called the hospital and reached Kent. They talked for a while, and when
Matt hung up the phone he said, "Poor Kent. He has not been able to see
Paula yet. Sandra went in as soon as she arrived, came out and told Kent
Paula was still a complete emotional wreck. The rape counselor told Kent
that Paula may not want to see him for some time. He is really
hurting. He's fine, so far as having been drugged is concerned, but he's
blaming himself for Paula being raped. James has called him about Shapiro
and he has told Sandra."

"The doctor who did the intake on Paula and the analysis of the Coke left
in the can, told Kent had either he or Paula drunk it all it could have
resulted in death. The Coke was well laced with Rohypnol, the date-rape
drug, enough to kill since it was combined with alcohol--vodka or maybe
even grain alcohol. That's the reason Kent passed out so quickly. He took a
big slug from the can and drank so fast he didn't notice the alcohol."

"The rape counselor has been with Paula most of the day. Sandra says Paula
wants to come home one minute and never wants to the next. In any event,
she won't be released until tomorrow. Kent wants to stay at the hospital,
but I suggested I come pick him up so he can shower and change clothes and
go back if he wished, and he agreed."

"If there is nothing I can do here, I'll go," Fr, Manville said. "You all
are in my thoughts and prayers and do call if I am needed."

"Thanks, Father," Greywolf said. After he had shown Fr. Manville out,
Greywolf came back and asked, "Matt, are you sure you should be the one to
go pick up Kent?".

"Dad, I am going," Matt said flat out, and it was obvious there was no use
talking to him.

"I'm going with you, Dark Angel," I said, taking Matt's hand.

I insisted on driving, and drove into Cleveland without a hitch since it
was early Sunday evening. When we reached the Cleveland Clinic, I parked,
got out and took Matt's hand, and we went up to Paula's floor. Kent was
sitting in the waiting room, his head in his hands. Matt walked over to him
and said, "Kent, brother".

Kent stood up immediately, grabbed Matt and the two of them burst into
tears. I joined them and we had a good cry. When we got control of
ourselves, Kent said, "Thanks. Sandra came out of the room and told me
Paula was definitely free of the drug. The rape counselor talked with me
and Sandra about what we can expect in the next hours, days, weeks, months
and maybe years as a result the rape. She will be talking to Paula again
before she is released, will talk with Sandra and me again, and asked about
talking with the household. I assured her we would be ready to do anything
and everything we could for Paula." Kent had just stopped speaking when a
young woman came into the waiting room. "Ms. Shaffer, these are Paula's and
my brothers, Matt Greywolf and Luke Larsen."

"Seems Paula has a large family for an only child," Ms. Shaffer
smiled. "Matt, Luke, Kent has told me wonderful things about you, all of
you, and your household. Matt, I understand you played a recital today. I
hope it went well."

"I'm prejudiced, of course," I said, "but he was absolutely
magnificent. His teachers agreed. I even forgot this horror for a short
time."

"I am pleased you were able to keep this from him until he had his day of
glory. There will be plenty of times in the future when this day will haunt
you, and it will be good to remember it was also a day of glory. Kent told
me of your offer to take him home to get cleaned up. There is probably no
reason for him to come back, but I'm not fool enough to think he would stay
home. I don't know when Paula will be ready to see him. Since I don't know
them, I can't say for sure, but I think Paula's rape has revealed to the
two of them that they care more for each other than they might have
thought. That of course makes it harder on both of them and, additionally,
Paula may well continue to feel shame and not want to see him. It
happens. Well I'll tell Sandra you are here, because I am sure she will
want to see you. Before you leave I'd like to talk with you about future
steps in Paula's and your healing."

Of course when Sandra came out, Matt grabbed her and the two of them had a
good cry. "How is Paula?" he asked.

"She alternates between being in absolute control, quiet, reserved, and
being enraged. In her rage she has thrown everything not nailed down, and
then clinches her teeth and says, 'I'm all right. No-one has to worry about
me!' Ms. Shaffer said she would probably be one way or the other for
several days. I guess Paula is one of the rare ones who is both ways. Kent,
if you'll go home and rest, I promise I will call you as soon as Paula is
ready to see you."

"Thanks, Sandra, but I'll be back." Sandra hugged Kent, kissed him on the
cheek, gave Matt and me a hug and went back into Paula's room.

When Ms. Shaffer came out, she asked when would be a good time for us to
get with her and the counselor at Oberlin who handles sexual
assault. "Probably this evening if that is possible. We were supposed to
all be on our way home for the holidays tomorrow. I don't know what we will
do now. Maybe if you two could come to the house, say in a couple hours or
so?" I asked. "Kent, you could stay that long, right?" Kent nodded.

When we got home, Millie and Woody were there. They had not been told about
Paula until they arrived, just after Matt and I had left for
Cleveland. Millie grabbed Kent and hugged him and, as she did, said, "Baby,
I sure wish this was something money and good will could cure, because you
could have all of both that I have. But even Millie can't fix
everything. Damn it to hell!" Millie practically shouted and tears started
running down her face. Woody embraced his wife-to-be and Kent, saying
nothing.

Kent went upstairs to shower and get clean clothes and while he was gone,
Matt and I told the family about Ms. Shaffer coming. "I guess we need to
talk about plans," Matt said. "I'm not willing to go home and leave Paula
here, and I don't know when she will be ready to go."

"I suspect we would be wise to wait until Ms. Shaffer is here to help guide
us," Yong Jin said.

Eugene and Larry had prepared a cold supper and put it out for anyone who
wanted to eat. People just kinda wandered by the table, picked up something
and wandered away. No-one was still, and yet no-one was going anywhere. For
some fool reason, a physics lab on Browning movement popped into my
head. Yea, we were good examples of random motion.

When Ms. Shaffer arrived, she was accompanied by a Ms. Humphrey, the sexual
assault counselor at Oberlin.

Both counselors expressed their sympathy. "Paula is the primary victim in
this rape, but she is not the only one," Ms. Humphrey said. "Ms. Shaffer
has given me the background of the immediate situation and while we have
not met before, I have known about this Oberlin family--I don't think
anyone could be at Oberlin long and not hear about 'that bunch at the
lake'. Friends and family are always victims in a rape assault. It is
clear, from what Ms. Shaffer has told me, we will need to deal with this
situation as we would with a family. Kent, you are both a brother to the
rest of the family and Paula's lover."

"Whoa, wait just a minute!" Kent objected. "I am in love with Paula--more
than I realized--but, if by lover you mean sexual partner, you have it all
wrong. Paula and I wanted to be sure we knew what we were doing. We are
taking it slow and easy, making sure of our emotions. Paula is a virgin."

"Then I suspect the two of you will have a great deal of rage to work out,
which might not have been the case otherwise. You may feel the rapist
cheated you of something you looked forward to, and Paula may well feel the
same. She may also feel dirty, shamed, even that she invited this rape."

"There is rage all right, and no-one to vent it on since Shapiro killed
himself. But it is rage because of what he did to Paula. I said Paula is a
virgin and she is. That may not be technically true, but I can tell you: if
she will have me, when we have sex it will be an expression of our love
and, so far as I am concerned, she has never given herself to anyone, so
she's a virgin," Kent said.

In the days, weeks and months that were to follow, I saw absolutely no
indication that Kent hadn't lived that statement from the core of his
being. He did, from time to time, become enraged, but I never saw any hint
that it was because of something done to him. It was because of the harm
done Paula.

Both counselors laid out the phases following a rape and what we could
expect in them, phases which could last for years. When we asked how we
could help, we were told to listen to Paula, to be supportive, to keep
reminding ourselves of what could be expected and what would indicate new
or repressed trouble. We were also told Paula could be very hard to live
with, and to try not to baby her too much, but certainly not to fight back
when she blew up, as she was likely to do.

"What about immediate plans?" Greywolf asked. "The household was planning
on leaving tomorrow--all except Kent. What do you advise?"

"It's difficult to say. She has her family here, she's getting the
treatment she needs, but then she has a larger family in North Carolina,
I'm sure. Why don't I check the services available there and then help you
make a decision. Do you know any medical personnel there?"

"As a matter of fact we do," I said. I took the phone from the stand and
pressed the speed dial for the Andrews. When Michael answered I told him I
needed to speak to his mom or dad. "They can tell you what's up later, but
right now I need to speak to one of them."

"I'll get Mom," Michael said.

"Luke, what's up? What's going on?"

"Bad news, I'm afraid, Margaret. Paula was raped last night and we are here
with rape counselors from Cleveland Clinic and Oberlin. I'll turn you over
to one of them. Ms. Shaffer, Ms. Humphrey, Dr. Margaret Andrews on the
phone. She's like one of our moms. If both of you need to talk with her,
there is a speaker-phone in the family room. This way."

Half an hour later, the two counselors came back into the library. "I hope
you young adults realize that you have the most amazing friends--I guess
you correctly talk about your family--I have ever encountered. Clearly
Paula is in good hands and she--and you--will need that. Ms. Shaffer and I
have talked, and clearly the best thing for Paula now is to get home. She
would have good support from you here, but nothing compared with what she
would have at home. With luck, she will get through the initial phase
during the long holiday season so when she comes back, we will be able to
sustain her healing process. Kent, were you going to North Carolina with
Paula?"

"I had planned to go down later. Paula is Jewish and I am Christian, so we
planned for me to be with my family for Christmas then fly down for the
rest of the holidays, but I want to be with her unless I need not to be
with her. I mean--you know what I mean."

Ms. Shaffer smiled and said, "You make yourself very clear, Kent. I hope,
one day, Paula will realize how much you love her and how lucky she is to
have you. Kent, this is a very personal question and if you don't want to
answer, or want to answer in private, we all will understand. One concern
in rape cases is pregnancy..."

"No! God no! No! No! No!" Kent shouted, and threw himself on the floor. He
pounded his fist on the floor while crying with loud wails." Matt
immediately dropped to the floor and held him close, resting Kent's head on
his shoulder and stroking his hair. Matt looked up at the counselors, his
eyes pleading. Yong Jin sat on the floor with Matt and Kent and, as soon as
she did, I realized we had made a horrible omission. We had not called
Kent's parents. I motioned for Eugene and whispered that he should call
them. He left the room to do so. Yong Jin and Matt got Kent on a sofa and
Yong Jin sat with him. I reached out and took Matt's hand, trying to calm
him as he was almost as out of control as Kent.

I heard Ms. Humphrey say to Ms. Shaffer, "I'll handle this". Ms. Shaffer
nodded.

"Kent, sometimes we all forget how much someone is hurting and hurt them
more. I am sorry we hurt you."

"I am very, very sorry, Kent. I hope you'll forgive me," Ms. Shaffer
said. Kent nodded.

"Kent, if you can help us, we'll not have to discuss with Paula the
possibility of a pregnancy. That's the only reason I mentioned it. Do you
know where Paula would be in her cycle?"

"No, there's never been any reason to discuss that and PMS just doesn't
come into play around here."

"Do you know if Paula is on birth control?"

"I don't think so. I mean we have talked about having sex, but we
haven't. We haven't set some sort of magic date when we would. Once she
said that when it was right it would happen and I agreed."

"As practical as Paula is," Yong Jin said, "I can't imagine her waiting
until what she thought was the right time and then saying, 'But we can't,
I'm not protected against pregnancy'. I suspect if she thought the right
time might come anytime soon, and wanted to be prepared for it, she would
have started on birth control. I feel a bit like I would be violating her
again," Yong Jin continued, "but I will check her room. Anything to keep
from having to tell her she might be pregnant from a rape." When she came
back she said, "She is on birth control pills. It appears she has just
started her second month. If she has been regular in taking her pills--and,
knowing Paula, she would have been absolutely faithful in that--pregnancy
should not be a question."

"Excellent," Ms. Humphrey said. "One worry we don't have, at least for
now. She should be safe."

"I think we can sum up things now. You all are victims of the attack on
Paula, because it will affect all of your lives. I am leaving materials
with you about what you might expect, and suggestions of how you can help
her and yourselves. I think you should take Paula home as soon as possible,
and let her healing begin among good family and friends," Ms. Shaffer
said. She and Ms. Humphrey asked if we had questions, gave us their cards
and left.

Yong Jin was still holding Kent, who lifted his head and said, "Thanks,
Mom. Mom! My God, I haven't told my mom."

"Your parents are on their way right now," Eugene said.

"I guess we need to make plans about getting home," Greywolf said.

"I have taken care of that," Marc spoke up. "Dad is sending Captain Kelly
and the Gulfstream up in the morning. We can all fly back in the two
planes. Keith and I will fly Sandra and Paula back when they are ready. If
that means we will be here a day or two, that's ok. The Gulfstream will
take the rest of you back as soon as you are ready.


ASP--The Oberlin Five--Chapter Twenty--Mr. Glaze

When Kent didn't show up for church, Derrick said he was probably at home
in bed since the combo had played for a party in Cleveland. Seemed
reasonable, so I thought nothing about it.

After church, Derrick asked for the car and went off to see Judy. I had
expected them to break up like most high schoolers, but it hadn't
happened. Both families thought they were spending too much time with each
other and agreed to restrict their time together. Derrick didn't like it at
first but later admitted to Kent he was glad we had, since he didn't feel
trapped--as he had since Judy wanted him to spend all his time with
her--and he missed his buddies. Judy had told Kent the same thing. They
both agreed it was ok to date someone else, but neither had.

Martha had not been feeling on top of the world the past week and decided
to take a nap. I really hoped she was just tired and not sinking into
depression again. She had been doing so well on her new medication. Anyway,
for all practical purposes I was alone and decided to take a walk through
the orchard. I don't know why I picked the orchard but I did, and
immediately I thought back over the last few months.

It was hard to believe that Kent had been away only four months. It was
even more amazing what five southerners had done for him. "Don't kid
yourself, Carl," I thought, "they have done as much or more for you." I'll
admit I had always resented Kent because of the trouble he caused being
born with a heart condition. It didn't make sense, because I was sure he
would have liked to have been born perfect, but I hadn't been rational. In
looking back, I was sure I had worked hard not to become attached to Kent
for fear he would die. So long as I could resent him, well, you know...

Additionally, Martha had been a tremendous burden. I loved her very much
when we married, but when she started going into bouts of deep depression,
I resented having to take care of her and the two boys, one of whom had
problems as well. Not making excuses, but there were times I was so worn
out physically and emotionally, I dreamed of lying down and not waking up.

When Martha was put on her new medicine, she became a new person--no, an
old person, the person I had known and married. I guess I still treated her
in a way to protect myself from the possibility that her medicine would
stop working. And with Kent, I had developed patterns of behavior that
prevented me from seeing what a great kid--no, young man--he had grown
into. When I finally admitted to myself that I had been an utter asshole, I
expected him to say, 'Too late,' but he didn't. I still found it hard to
express the affection I had for him, but I was proud of him and what he had
accomplished and I take no credit for it. He had done it himself. Well he
did have the help of five great people. I smiled when I realized I had
called four gay men, two sets of lovers even, great, but they were.

And the fifth? I had a good chance to see Paula and Kent together over
Thanksgiving when Paula and Sandra came for a visit. Both she and Kent said
they were not sure whether they were in love or not and I guessed they
would be the last to know but, even as unobservant as I can be, I could see
they were two people head over heels. That was the reason Sandra, Martha
and I had talked about Christmas. They had solved the conflict this year by
Kent staying here until after Christmas, but that was only this year. I
surprised myself when Martha asked what I would do if Kent converted to
Judaism. A year ago I would have gone into a rage. Now when she asked I
just said, "I'll bet he'll thank me for having him circumcised if he does!"
A lot had happened and it was all good, and I was thankful for it.

When I got back to the house, the phone was ringing. Both Martha and I
picked up at the same time, and learned that Kent and Paula had been
drugged and Paula raped. Derrick had the car, so we hopped in the
rattletrap of a farm truck to go see our son who was hurting and we had not
known it.

When we arrived at the house, Kent ran to meet us, grabbed both of us and
started crying buckets. I didn't really know what to do--what was to
do?--so I just held him and his mom. When he got control again he said,
"Mom, Dad, I was so upset, I forgot to call you, I'm sorry". We both just
patted his back and said nothing.

When we got inside, we joined the group in the library and Kent told us the
whole story. I'd like to say I felt sorry for the Shapiro kid, but I
didn't. I was just mad as hell because of what he did to my son and his
girl. Kent finally said he wanted to get back to the hospital. Matt and
Luke were going to take him back when I said, "Martha and I would like to
take Kent back, but we are in the farm truck and I wasn't sure it'd make it
even to here."

"You can take my truck," Luke offered.

"Luke, that'd be fine for Mr. and Mrs. Glaze, but they are taking Kent
back," Matt said, as he handed the Jeep keys to Mr. Glaze.

Kent got lot of hugs and we left.


ASP--The Oberlin Five--Chapter Twenty--Sandra

I looked at my baby, who finally had exhausted herself and drifted off to
sleep. I had only had time to react since I arrived, but now with her
asleep, I sat down and wanted to scream, "Why? Why was my baby hurt?". Of
course there was no answer. It was clear from what Ms. Shaffer had said
this was only the beginning.

Paula was not the only one hurting; we all were. Poor Kent, Paula didn't
want to see him. One time she would say she was ashamed and another she
never wanted to see a man again. Her emotions were all over the place. At
times she was so enraged that she threw things, and at others she was so
icy cold it was frightening.

Paula slept for three or four hours--often restless, tossing and turning,
whimpering, crying out. She was still asleep when Kent returned. He tapped
on the door gently and I went out to see him. Carl and Martha were with him
and, as soon as I saw them, I embraced both. "Sandra, we are so sorry, so
very, very sorry. She is like our own daughter we never had," Martha said.

"How is she, Sandra?" Carl asked. I told him she was sleeping for the
moment.

When Kent told his parents he was staying, they asked about staying with
him. "Mom, Dad, Sandra is here and Derrick will come home and not know what
has happened. I don't know when Paula will be leaving for North Carolina or
if she will allow me to go with her. Whether I go with her or with the rest
of the crew, I am going. Sorry that I won't be home for Christmas, but I
don't think it would be much of a Christmas for me and I would sure be a
wet blanket on yours. Anyway, I have to go."

"We understand, Kent, and wouldn't want it any other way given the
circumstances," Carl said. "Is there anything you need or we can do for
you?"

"I can't think of anything. To be honest, I can't think, period."

"Sandra, is there anything we can do for you or Paula?" Carl asked.

"Nothing. I am here until Paula is ready to leave. Thanks anyway."

Kent said goodbye to his parents, assuring them he would keep them posted.

When they had gone, he asked me about Paula. "Kent, she finally went to
sleep on her own. She's exhausted, but her sleep is restless. She whimpers,
cries out. I suspect she is having nightmares. My poor baby." Kent took my
hand and when I looked up, he had tears running down his face. I thought to
myself, "I wonder what is going to happen to my baby and this wonderful,
loving man who obviously worships her". Inwardly I smiled when I thought
that, because both had been very clear in stating they weren't sure they
were in love when it came up at Thanksgiving. It made them the only two who
were not sure.

I sat with Kent a few minutes after his parents left, then returned to
Paula's room. Paula was half-awake when I returned and it took her a few
minutes to get herself orientated and, when she did, she said, "I guess
Kent is so ashamed of me that he's staying away. I don't blame him, but I
wish he was here."

"Paula, Kent is not ashamed of you at all. Stay away? It was all Matt and
Luke could do to get him to go home, clean up, and change. He is outside
where he has been since he was discharged."

"Discharged? Why was he in the hospital? I don't understand."

"I'll let him tell you if you'll see him. You have been saying you didn't
want to see him, and he honored that although it has been hard. You want I
should ask him to come in?"

"Yea, and just the two of us here, ok?"

"Sure." I went out to the waiting room and told Kent Paula wanted to see
him.

"Are you sure," he asked, hesitating.

"Kent, she asked to see you alone." From the expression on his face I
wasn't sure of his feelings.


ASP--The Oberlin Five--Chapter Twenty--Kent

I wasn't sure what I felt when Sandra came out and told me Paula wanted to
see me. I mean I wasn't sure if Paula had asked to see me or if Sandra
thought she should see me. Anyway, I was going in to see Paula and I was
nervous.

When I walked into the room, Paula was sitting up, looking very pale and
beat. "Hi, Paula. How are you doing, Babe?"

"Kent," Paula answered, as tears started running down her face. "Kent, I am
sorry. I am so, so very sorry." Paula was weeping silently as she spoke.

"Paula, you have nothing to be sorry about. I'm sorry, angry, hurt, because
of what happened to you. If I had been more careful..."

"Kent, I went with Nathan. What happened is my fault. Something I wanted to
give to you has been taken from you."

"No, Paula. What happened is not your fault. As hard as it is for me to
convince myself, it is not the fault of either of us. And nothing has been
taken from me. Something was taken from you, something very precious--your
trust in people and I don't know what else, but everything you were to, and
for, me is still there. Paula, Babe, I told everyone I wasn't sure about
being in love with you, but I was wrong. I love you, Paula. I know that
from the very bottom of my being. I love you, Paula. Nothing can or will
change that."

"I love you too, Kent, but I'm ashamed, dirty, soiled. I am not worthy of
your love."

"Nonsense, Paula. I am one lucky guy and I hope in the days ahead I can
prove that to you."

Paula suddenly changed tack and asked, "Kent, what happened to Nathan?
What's going to happen to him? I don't think I could stand seeing him and I
know I'll have to or he will go scot free."

Man, was I in a bind. I thought Paula would have been told but, since she
hadn't, what should I say? I guess if you don't know what to say, you tell
the truth. I sat down in the chair Sandra had drawn close to Paula's bed,
reached out and took her hand. "Paula, you neither have to see Nathan again
nor will he go scot free. He has seen to that. I suspect you will not be
surprised to learn you are not the first woman he has attacked, but you
surely are the last." I then told Paula of his suicide and the note he
left, but did not tell her he said he had loved her. "For reasons known
only to him--if he knew--Nathan was a warped human being who took his rage
out on innocent women, but it will not happen again."

"I'm not glad that he is dead, not really, but I am pleased that he will
never take from another woman what he took from me. Kent, Ms. Shaffer said
she had talked to you."

"Yes, she did. She and Ms. Humphrey from Oberlin both came to the house
while I was there and talked to all of us. Paula, I'll not lie. They both
said there would likely be rough days ahead for you and for us. We are all
ready to do what it takes to see you through, Paula. We are all here for
you."

"Kent, if what she said is likely to happen, you are going to be hurt and
have a real struggle."

"Paula, you are the one facing a real struggle, but I am here and I will be
here, even when you think you don't want me."

"Always remember, Kent, you said when I think I don't want you. There are a
thousand feelings and emotions like waves washing over me--I feel ashamed,
I accuse myself of letting Nathan do what he did to me--a thousand
emotions, but the one which I can hardly stand is the feeling that I am no
good and certainly not good enough for you. I have been a fool for not
being honest with you and myself about my feeling for you,and now it is too
late."

"Too late for what? For admitting that you love me? Why too late? It is a
thousand times as welcome as it would have been a week ago because I need
to hear that you love me as I love you."

As we talked, I had been holding Paula's hand. When I finished, she pulled
my hand to her lips and kissed it and told me she loved me. I didn't know
what to expect, but I stood, leaned over and kissed her gently. When I
broke our kiss, I sat on the edge of her bed and we talked. It was not the
talk I wished we had after confessing our love for each other, but it was
the talk which needed to be. We talked about what Ms. Shaffer and
Ms. Humphrey had told us. Occasionally it was too much for Paula and she
would turn away from me, but she always turned back. Finally she asked that
I get Sandra.

When Sandra came into the room, Paula asked if she could go home. Sandra
told her she would be discharged in the morning and that Marc was ready to
fly them home. "That's later, Mom," she said. "I want--I need--to go home
before I go to North Carolina." I felt tears welling up in my eyes when she
said that. She wanted to go home to her family, and that was us, the crew
on the lake. "Kent, will you go home and tell everyone I am going to be ok,
and get some rest? You can come back in the morning. Oh, how did Matt's
recital go? I hope I didn't ruin it."

"Paula, you didn't ruin anything," I said. "As to Matt's recital..." I
hesitated, what should I tell her? "Kent, try the truth," I told
myself. "Paula, Luke knew what I guess we all knew, but never thought
about: as much as all the household love you--and it's heaps--Matt's
feeling for you is different. Luke says you are the sister Matt always
wanted and never had. Regardless of the reason, they all knew that if Matt
found out what had happened, the recital would go by the boards. The snow
gave Luke an excuse for the crew not going home last night. Luke went home
this morning and told Matt you and I had gotten ill from something we ate
or drank, and Eugene and Larry stayed until the last minute. Everyone
agreed that Matt performed better than he had ever done, and he was told
after the recital and reception."

"I ruined his celebration," Paula said and, again, turned away from me.

"No, Nathan Shapiro ruined the celebration today, but there will be other
days to celebrate, when we can celebrate Matt's success and your recovery."

We talked a while longer and, before I left, Paula made me promise I'd go
home and get some rest and come back for her in the morning. When I started
to protest she said, "Mom will be with me. You need to go so the family
will know I am going to be ok. I don't know when I will be ready to go to
North Carolina. I want to be at home with you all. I guess the rest of the
household can go, late tomorrow? I don't want to go without you. Maybe
I'll..."

"Paula, you are not going without me unless you tell me to stay, and I may
still go. Mom and Dad told me they thought I should, before I told them I
was going with you. But we can talk about that tomorrow."

"Kent, will you kiss me?" Paula asked.

"You bet I will," I said softly. I guess Paula and I had been so much on
guard that we had never had a really hot make-out session, and our kisses
had been pretty tame affairs, so I was surprised when I leaned over her bed
and she grabbed me and gave me the hottest kiss I had experienced in my
entire life. As she did, I found myself wondering, "Is this for real or is
it a reaction to the rape?".

After the kiss, we said goodnight and I promised to go home and try to
sleep. As I walked toward the waiting room, I remembered Mom and Dad had
taken the Jeep back. I'd have to wait until someone could come for me, and
I dreaded another hour, another minute in that waiting room. As I turned
the corner, I saw Matt and Luke waiting for me. "This is a surprise," I
said, hugging the two--there had been a lot of hugging the past several
hours, but no more than was needed!

"I called them," Sandra said. "Paula asked me to before I came and got
you. She also wanted me to check with her before you left. She thought she
wanted to see Matt and Luke. I'll see if she still does."

When Sandra came back, she said Paula wanted to see Matt and Luke, and they
went in. They were back in five minutes. Matt managed to get back to the
waiting room before breaking down. Luke wrapped his arms around him and the
two wept. I realized I had wrapped both in my arms without knowing it. When
we got control of ourselves, we drove back to the house.

Eugene and Larry had hot chocolate waiting, and we and the Carolina crew
sat around the kitchen table. After I told them what I could about Paula's
situation, Matt and Luke added that she was anxious to get to the
house. "She kept talking about going home," Luke said, "and at first I
thought she was talking about North Carolina, but she soon made it clear
she was talking about here. She said she was going to North Carolina only
because Kent promised to go with her."

I was recalling my conversation with Paula and her asking for a kiss. I
must have been quiet longer than I realized. I suddenly realized Matt was
calling me, "Uh, I guess I wasn't listening," I said, "sorry. I was
thinking about something."


ASP--The Oberlin Five--Chapter Twenty--Larry

When we went up--Greywolf and Yong Jin were in the guest room and Marc and
Keith and gone to the studio with sleeping bags and pads--Kent asked his
four housemates if we could talk. Of course we said yes and turned into
Matt and Luke's room. As soon as we were all comfortable, Kent said, "Guys,
I don't know what I wanted but, well, you heard what the two rape
counselors said. I have no doubt, none at all, that you will be there for
Paula--and me as well. But I had an experience tonight which shows just how
difficult it's going to be. You have been around enough to know that Paula
and I have been pretty reserved about showing affection. Part of that was
because we were being careful--too careful, I think now--about leading the
other to believe we were in love when we weren't..."

Matt was the first to start what became a tension-relieving giggle
session--we sounded like a twelve-year-old girl's pajama party. "Kent, the
only people you two have fooled, at least since Halloween, have been Paula
and Kent," he said when he could stop giggling long enough.

"Yea, well, a part of it was I didn't want to push Paula. I really did
stand back and wait for her to set limits. Like, I mean, I would never had
said anything about having sex until she asked me about it. I mean she had
been preparing for that happening, but I didn't know. Anyway, tonight she
asked me to kiss her. We have exchanged kisses, but never had a really hot
make-out session. A couple times, I'll admit, our goodnight kiss did get
pretty hot, but we never just made out for a hour or something like
that. Guys, I feel like I sound like a complete idiot."

"Kent, you pretty much know how Eugene and I relate to each other, and it
is different from the way Matt and Luke relate to each other. Well, we four
know how you and Paula relate to each other. It has seemed too slow and
careful to me, but it is your business and when you two are ready, you'll
be ready for--well, whatever."

"Yea, well tonight Paula asked me to kiss her and, man, it was some
kiss. But you know what I was thinking? I was thinking, 'Is this because
Paula has realized she loves me as I have realized I love her, or is it
just a reaction to being raped?' You know, Ms. Shaffer talked about one
reaction being a change in patterns of relationships. I mean when she
kissed me, I was on cloud nine but then I half-crashed when I thought this
might not mean anything other than it being a reaction to a rape! That
son-of-a-bitch bastard Nathan Shapiro took away from what could and should
have been the most wonderful moment in my life. I really hate the bastard
and am very angry at what he has taken from me as well as Paula and all of
us. And there is no way I can let him know how much I hate him for what he
has done."

Kent was shaking when he finished. I was sitting beside him and reached out
and put my hand behind his neck and said, "Yea, Kent, we all feel that
way".

"Kent, you know I have tried the coward's way out twice," Luke said. "One
of the things I have learned in counseling with Matt is that suicide is
difficult to deal with because the murderer and the victim are the same. As
a result, you suffer the loss of someone you love and are angry at the same
person as well. Of course, in my case, Matt and my family and friends were
angry because I attempted to take myself from them. In this case, the
dynamics are different but the results are the same. You are angry at
Nathan for making it impossible for you to make him pay for what he has
done."

"And now it makes you even more angry as you see that what he did to Paula
has effects much more far-reaching than you thought. I mean who would have
thought that what he did would raise questions in your mind about what
Paula meant by a kiss. I suspect this is, as we have been told, just the
beginning. We, all of us, are really going to be tested in the weeks
ahead. It's going to require a lot of forgiving and a lot of support and,
as much as I would like to say we'll come through with flying colors, I
can't. All I can say, and I think you know this, is that we will all give
it all we have. You, Paula, we, are too important not to do everything we
humanly can to make the weeks ahead as good as possible."

"I know that," Kent said, "I really do, but it's good to hear it."

"We are going to prove that Paula knew what she was talking about when she
said she wanted to come home, here, to our home," I said.

Kent stood up and said, "Thanks, Brothers, and I mean that. I really do
feel like this is my family--more than I ever thought I would." He opened
his arms and we all hugged each other and said goodnight.

When Eugene and I were in bed, wrapped in each other's arms, he said, "Lar,
this has been very painful for me. I know Paula is really hurting,
confused, bewildered, because I have been there. I just have to be strong
enough not to let my past prevent me being a rock for Paula."

I didn't respond because I was having my own struggle. Eugene could
understand Paula's reaction because he had been there and I had put him
there. As if he was reading my mind he said, "No, Lar. I wouldn't have said
anything if that was what I was thinking. To be very honest, Lar, what you
consider your rape of me was nothing compared with what had happened over
and over again. I know why you did what you did and it was wrong, painful,
but you have more than made up for it with your love for me. Damaged goods?
You better believe it, but not because of what you did. I now realize that
moment when you went out of control will always be with us. I guess it's
like Paula and Kent will always have her rape as a part of their
relationship. But it's not what their relationship is about and ours cannot
be about that one moment when you hurt both of us."

Eugene brushed my hair from my forehead, smiled into my eyes and kissed me
so gently it was like the kiss of a breeze on my lips. "I love you, Larry
Watley. I love you with my whole being."

"And I love you Eugene Willingham. I love you and I will never deserve it,"
I said.

"You don't have to deserve it, Lar. I give it to you, now and forever."

I smiled back at Gene and said, "And you have mine." I then reached over
and turned off the bedside lamp, and soon the two of us were asleep, but
our sleep was not peaceful.